Our Island Family Life

Back to Normal?

2012-01-10T12:08:00.004-05:00

So, the holidays have passed. They were as ok as can be. New Years was fun. The boys had some friends out. Sofie wasn't here which was sad. I had a friend visiting and another popped by and we watched movies. Not a drunken free for all some have for this particular holiday but then again I have never been to one of those before anyway so I have no idea what I should be missing. We had a good time anyway which is all that matters.

We all had colds the week before Christmas. Sofie however kept a lingering cough. I took her to the doctor last week and she has a kind of post viral cough. I didn't let her go visit Sean last weekend to make sure she stayed on her medicine properly and stayed rested. The weekend before Sean took her to the playground after I told him she had a cough and was flushed and feverish. I asked him to keep and close eyes out for any changes and to have her inhaler ready. Instead he forgot the inhaler and took her out in the cold without a hat for hours. Her cough was of course worse when she got home and after a whole night of not rest and non stop coughing I was really frazzled and angry. I called him to let her know I took her to the doctor and what they said and he never returned my call. Then he never said anything about her not coming. He finally called five days later to "see how she was doing". I am battling in my head about if my feelings are ungracious. Should I be satisfied he called to check on her at all, even days later or upset at the seemingly lack of concern. I feel like I would be pathetic to be jumping on the scraps of attention he shows any of the kids when it suits him. Yet, I don't wish to be, sour grapes about the effort, any effort that is given. Just like, I am glad he did something fun with Sofie like a real dad would by taking her to the park. I am just exasperated and the lack of judgement in taking her while she is obviously sick.

On other fronts, no changing in the money is tight situation. Maybe a little tighter. Less work this time of year. Trying real hard to not feel helpless. Need to focus on the fact Will is working real hard on his college work. Connor is still doing well emotionally and overall happy. He could improve his school work but he goes to school everyday and does his work. A little more conscientious effort would be nice. I am not going to harp on him about it thought with all the strides he is making. Also, he has a job for pocket money which means no more begging from him. Cade is having a little bit of a rough time. He missed school with the fever and cold we all had and fell a little behind in his school work. He got caught up but was in tears about it all.

The holidays are a rough time though because the boys tend to rehash things in their heads about their dad and get shorter tempers because of that. I totally understand what they are going through. One little holiday snafu occurred when when visiting Sean's family with the kids (I took them) it was mentioned (not sure by whom) that Sean had credited Kathryn for motivating and getting him to go back to college and how grateful he was to her about that. She's a freaking saint, right? Well, the boys looked at me while I said nothing and smiled. Which I think made them mad a me too. They want me to defend myself more than I do but trying to explain to them that the wasted emotional effort to do so is not worth it to me is hard for them to understand. I know a lot to truths but don't need to justify that to people who won't listen anyway. The older boys felt that need however and explained how their dad had already started college before he left and had heard me trying for months to get him to go if he wasn't working and unhappy with his old job. How he had spent their college money to pay for his own first semester and for all the trappings like computer programs and books. How he had said he didn't want to go to college for a career and fail to get a job only to fall back on having to "teach or something". The only thing Kathryn did was convince him to try a career as a teacher he never wanted to do or be in the first place. Is that what he is grateful for? If he should be grateful for anyone why not their mom who helped him fill out forms and helped him with his homework? Why not them who paid for his start even if they hadn't been consulted about it. Silence was pretty deafening I can assure you. Still, I think they were less angry about all that stuff and more the delusion their dad has, the hypocritical attitude and lies. He is never going to get ahead with his relationship with his kids if he keeps saying things like that. Does he think they can't remember? Sean and I did most of his school stuff at the dining room table and hid nothing. He even showed them what he was doing to encourage them to have college as a goal for themselves. Oh well, just another warm holiday faux pas. So, yeah, holiday burn out.

Anyone like Sofie's xmas tattoo face? I would have never let the boys to something like that when they were little. I am not as strict as I used to be on little stuff like that. I won't say it didn't give me a little thrill to send her off to her dad looking like that either..:) Maybe I should dye her hair and give her a fake nose ring? Too passive aggressive? Sofie was also showing off some of her missing teeth. She has a huge gap now with her top teeth missing. I will have to get a photo of that!

I am off for a cup of tea and some tylenol. Haven't been sleeping all that well and need to relax and unwind.

and from the depths of silence...

2011-12-14T14:07:00.002-05:00

What have I been doing the past month and a half? Wallowing. Dwelling. Uninspired nothingness. That about sums it up. A real lack of energy to do anything but the bare minimum. Halloween was fun. I wore a pink wig and some glitter makeup and went as "Lady Gaga: the later years", it was a hit. Sofie was a vampire geisha. She was so cute in her outfit. She had glitter instead of white face but she did go with deep red lips and fangs. Connor went trolling with the teens on another island, Cade was a bank robber and Will dressed up as a "sword wielding alien princess" to hand out candy. He went with the princess motif to irritate some of the more "manly" men of the island because Will likes to walk the edge of elder respect and enjoys watching adults squirm uncomfortably. One boy asked Will why he was dressed as a girl and he said. "I am an alien." The kid thought about it for a moment and said, "Cool." His dad wasn't as impressed. I personally found it hilarious. Sofie got two pillowcases full of yummy treats.

November was full of field trips, meetings, work and creative scheduling with Sean. He is testing me again on boundaries and I am finally being smart enough to see his actions for what they are and staying firm. Can I do this? Will I do that? Could I help him out here? Uh. No. I'm not trying to be a witch or anything but he has to figure out his own life and I am not his wife anymore to take care of things for him. He already has a bed warmer to that for him. As long as he fulfills his obligations to the kids I really don't see why I should be more involved. He has been bailing on weekends with Sofie. He already doesn't see the boys so you would think he would cling a bit more to Sofie. Kicking her to the curb this early though is a bit surprising. Then again, she has been quite vocal in her displeasure in going on visits. If he can stay strong and show her he wants her there it should work itself out but he has the spine of a wet tee shirt so I don't see that happening.

Anyway, it's the holidays and they always make me maudlin. I like seeing the kids open presents and everything but when you have very little spare money wise to get them anything it gets pretty depressing. Still, things are better than when Sean first left but still pretty bad. I am glad to have the post office job with a more or less steady income, even if it's small. I love the dollar store. Stocking stuffing has never been easier with that place. I am glad I have been picking up things over the whole year so things won't be so thin.

We had our island party this past Saturday. It was really great and relaxing. The kids play was wonderful. They did a Christmas Carol. Sofie's little buddy Aiden was scrooge and she was his past love and she was crying saying, "You love money more than me!" He lowered his head to his hands and shook his head. It was so funny. They were awesome. Sofie was also the ghost of xmas future. Easy role since she didn't have to say anything and just point. She was also scrooges niece, inviting him to xmas dinner. Small school has to double up roles. She has another play on Monday for the other island school she goes to for art and music. They are doing the Reindeer Whisperer and she is one of the deer. I can't wait to see it.

For now though we are getting over illness. I had a stomach bug Monday and Tuesday. Today I could finally clean my house which looked like a bomb had hit it. I am really run down though. Stinks too because we got all kinds of extra food from the party on Saturday. At least the kids could eat it and I didn't have to cook. Sofie has a bit of a cough and sniffle thing going on so she has been on the couch all day sipping juice and watching cartoons. She is napping now so I know she isn't up to snuff.

So life trauma is moderate. Battling my own down times which are only my own problem. I know it's just me still sad and unhappy from life changes forced upon me I haven't really come to terms with and probably never will. Just letting time do it's thing to make it more tolerable. I can do the happy dance but it is so exhausting to do so. Draining. I still have to deal with Sean doing strange and weird things that make me wonder if his family really gives a crap about him at all to not notice. I just really wish sometimes he would go away and I could wash my hands of the whole bipolar mess. As long as the kids see it, I see it. It affects them so it affects me. Can't have the good without the bad. I want to enjoy the kids childhood and yet want them all grown up so we can wash hands of him, everything. The messes and the emotional drainage.

I'm so glad I am taking vitamin D. I would really be weepy otherwise wouldn't I? I'm off to plan my craft for the kids craft day tomorrow. It will be a nice community thing. As long as no one trips over the hot glue gun cords we should be all set...:)

Melt Down

2011-10-30T08:37:00.003-04:00

I have been doing my best to dodge the weird phone calls from Sean. I answer of course but as soon as I notice something is off with him I try and end things as soon as possible (more so than usual). I have been using email to try and arrange the whole holiday visits schedules. In person he has been agreeable and eager with me but I have been down that road before. He doesn't ask about Cade coming anymore. I can only assume he just figures Cade with come eventually and if not, oh well. Sofie on the other hand the past few months has been getting down right falling into tantrum mode about not wanting to go. It used to be she would cry and complain only to me. I would be stressed and trying to soothe her and by the time Sean would show up to get her she would be fine. Slowly that has changed to where she would seem happy to see him, hug him and turn to me ready to go home. It was like she had an attitude of, "Well, I hugged him, smiled and said hello so now I'm done." Then when she realized she would have to actually go she would cry and whine and say she wanted to go home with me. Sean was finally having to go through what I had have had to deal with from the beginning. Maybe that's a good thing? Maybe she is feeling more comfortable with him? All I know was this Friday was the first time since nearly the beginning of her having to leave that I cried.

We had a field trip this week to Bangor which is about 2 1/2 hours from here. We left on Wednesday to meet up with the other outer island kids and went to the planetarium, had a presentation about the space shuttle and astronauts, went to a rock climbing wall and a challenge course. We spent the nights in cabins by a lake on Wednesday and Thursday and had a Halloween party on Thursday. Even though it was packed with activities it was surprisingly relaxed and the kids had a blast. Sofie was amazing and unafraid scrambling up the rock wall, all harnessed up and repelling down. She got right in there with the older kids and making friends with the two other kindergardeners. On Friday we drove back, she napped and then we had our last swim class. I splurged and got her a happy meal. We talked about her going to Sean's and she was not very happy about it but didn't cry like usual so I made the mistake of thinking things would be at least the same as before or a little better when I dropped her off. She was rested and fed and relaxed from swimming. When she saw Sean some into the bay lines she got up and instead of running to him she ran off before I could stop her and hid behind the benches along the wall where we really couldn't get to her without dragging her by the arm which neither of us wanted to do. I tried talked to Sean calmly telling him about her trip and telling him the usual things he needed to know hoping it would give her time to calm down some. In the end it took us 15 minutes to coax her out. Sean was getting angry and asked me why she was doing this all of a sudden. I told him this wasn't sudden it was only the past few months he was starting to see what I have been telling him about from the beginning. I suppose he just never believed me before. He told me that when he gets her to his house that it's like this stuff never happened. I told him just because she isn't actively crying doesn't mean she isn't still upset. The hardest part for me was when she refused to say good bye to me because she thought if she didn't she wouldn't have to go. So I said good bye instead and she cried and looked at me like I had slapped her. I really felt for the first time I was abandoning her. The look she gave me nearly killed me. Sean had said to me a few minutes before, "Well, aren't you going to say good bye to her?" In a very nasty way as if Sofie's tears were all my fault. This was right after he had been trying to convince her that coming with him would be fun. He had told her he had pizza and that they would go see a movie (which was I'm sure a lie) and wouldn't she like that? Like this? She agreed of course, who wouldn't? Then he said, ok let's go and Sofie said no that she was going with her mommy. I had almost laughed at that because she reminded me of the boys right then. They always got a kick out of Sean trying to bribe them and they saw it for what it was and took what they could but it never once changed their minds about anything and told him so and here she was doing the same thing. Sure I like pizza and the playground and movies. Sure I want to go and eat that and do that...just not with you. This was of course when Sean went from the cruel, here we go again to, nasty. Thankfully he was focused on taking that out on me and how everything was my fault but I didn't care and better me than her. I know I'm not doing anything to turn her against him. When he bails out of visits Sofie doesn't even bat an eye anymore. She shrugs and says he must be busy. Anyway, I said goodbye and could hear her cry and scream for me. It sounded like a kidnapping with her crying how she wanted her mommy. I had a lot of friends there from the island and one of them came up to me and hugged me and I just started to cry right there. She whispered to me that Sofie was walking on her own and everything was ok. I certainly didn't want Sofie to see me upset in anyway and held it together until she couldn't see me. Kids are smart. You can even let them get a sniff of your moods because it affects them. You have to be cold at heart until they are gone. I don't want to influence her in any way. Yesterday, while I was working at the post office everyone who had been there who hadn't spoken to me on the boat that night talked to me about what happened. It was nice to have everyone so concerned for me and Sofie but it was hard because my feelings seemed to be right on the surface. When I wasn't thinking about it I was fine but it would only take a few words and tears were right in my eyes. Small town. I can only hope Sean's odd mood swings stay stable enough to deal with her.

Leap of Faith

2011-10-12T14:38:00.002-04:00

Sofie's reading/video game corner

So Cade is gone for the week on a school trip. He forgot his sleeping bag of course even after I reminded him. I am getting better and shrugging and telling myself it isn't my problem. I did my part after all.

Sofie was supposed to go on a field trip yesterday but we both felt sick. I was crashing after getting only 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night since Saturday. I don't know if I was stressed more than usual or just feeling the cold coming on that kept me up so much. I like that night time cold stuff. It helps.

Connor finally managed to find a job. Not in town though but on a nearby islands boat yard. He will be patching traps and learning how to work on boats. He will work every day he doesn't have to stay after school and weekends. Due to the boat schedule that will mean him staying with a friend on the other island quite often. I am not thrilled but willing to let him try. If he crashes and burns at least he tried. I packed a banana box full of food for him so he won't eat his friend out of house and home. He has a set time every day to call or the job experiment is over and a certain grade he has to maintain for school. He is also seeing his school counselor every single day now. That more than anything has been the most helpful. His mood is good. So, we'll see.

Will is moving right along. He has been making about $1000 a month and also doing side jobs and school work. He could be doing more school work than he is but he'll have more time for that by the end of November. He already is never here on his days off spending time with friends so I am not worried about him cutting off from the world. I don't ask him to pay me rent or anything but he helps me when I ask without complaint, helps with Sofie if I need it and helps with some of the bills like the phone and internet. His brothers complain a bit when he might hog the tv but I tell them he has earned it and since he is rarely home to watch it in the first place they better not whine. He also cooks which is a huge bonus but I know he if didn't already like doing that he wouldn't. One thing about Will is he won't do anything he doesn't want to do. Quite stubborn.

In my quest to update the library to a more modern age I have been fiddling around with ebooks and audiobooks. I have been about going blind with all the free options out there to listen or look at. There is just not enough time in the world to read everything and that makes me sad. I wish I could earn money by reading. I would be filthy rich.

Time for a break

2011-10-10T12:30:00.002-04:00

Sofie at Matinicus Island field trip

I find it is rather a good thing work slows down for me this time of year. I have to keep a closer eye on Connor and his moods and it is just so stressful I don't think I could handle anything more. My store job is only one day a week now. The post office job is one sometimes two days a week. My babysitting is spotty at best and the cleaning jobs will be pretty much over after this week. Scary but at least I have something. I am pushing that work/money stress aside and dealing with kids stress now.

As for my own school that is finishing up this week and I am going to take a break from that as well. I am burnt out. I will go back after a semester break. I wanted to cry dealing with this last class. It wasn't hard to figure out but a lot of work and it felt so meaningless. Besides, all the school stuff I want to deal with for the time being is the kids school stuff.

Connor has had trouble again getting to school but me and our support group of counselors and teachers stopped the ball before it got out of control this time and he is back on track. His grades are good but I can see an oncoming obsession with money happening with him again. He gets consumed with one obsession after another and it drives me crazy. Now he want to a job and it's his main focus. In other kids, wanting a job to earn your own money would be a good and responsible thing to do. In Connor it's the start of a guilt trip. He wants money usually because he feel like he owes a lot already and feels guilty. He also never got over the fact he got let go of his lobster job earlier than expected. He had spent his money thinking he would be able to make another $400 or so to tide him over but then he didn't get the work. I warned him that this could happen but who am I, right? I have offered him a few bucks working with me on some cleaning jobs but he always bails at the last minute. I don't offer any more. Will asked him to haul for him this past Saturday so he could go to one of his life breath classes and Connor hemmed and hawed until it was too late. He said no then yes but Will told him he had to know earlier than when Connor told him. I also don't think Connor can handle school and a job at the same time. Especially this time of year. I just feel like everything is holding on by a thread with him.

I was lucky enough to have Sofie for the extra day off here over the holiday. It was a dad weekend but he brought her back early. Not a big shock there. Cade is still not going and I am not sure how this will all play out.

Gotta run, I am going to work on figuring out ebooks and audiobooks for our library computers and how to link the system with the main branch. I should get paid more for this. *sigh*

Stuff and more Stuff

2011-10-05T16:05:00.008-04:00

Well, I have been a lazy bum when it comes to updating this. It was a busy month. Swim lessons started up again for Sofie. I had a birthday and so did Cade. I can't believe he is twelve now. His dad didn't send a card or anything. He did call once, stuttering and hardly coherent but yet still had the presence of mind to try and blackmail Cade into coming for visits again by holding a birthday present as leverage. He did the same thing to Connor. Cade remembered that and wasn't impressed. Cade also got zip from his grandparents. I so love how Cade is made into a bad guy in al this. Anyway, his brothers and I pooled together and got him a bike. It wasn't anything expensive and very simple with no gears or anything. Just something to get from point A to B and easily fixed.

Sofie and I also went on a school field trip to another island. I posted some pics of the trip. Thankfully no one was seasick but it was close for a few of us. It was a blast. It was also cold since we had to camp in tents. We were both wiped out at the end though.

As for Connor....that is a whole other post.

Time Flies

2011-09-13T08:34:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it's been so long since my last post. Things were supposed to slow down right?

Kids are back to school and after a few bumps seem to be doing fine. Cade is trying my patience and is already grounded for a week. He just didn't bother coming home until the late boat yesterday without asking or calling to hang out with friends. We need to nip that trend in the bud. Otherwise he's good. Sofie has been crabby and testing limits. It seems when kids hit that half year mark in age they turn nasty. She's almost 5 1/2 so it has begun. Whining, saying no, not picking up because "she doesn't want to", tattling, crying at the drop of a hat. I almost wish she was at school all day and not half a day. Today is her first full day so she can attend specials. She is excited about that. Connor is doing well so far. He has been open about how his days have been and sharing a lot with Will as well. Fingers crossed. Will is still working and doing school. He was really tired yesterday. He was out for 10 hours and was not pleased when it was around 80 degrees.

I have a full post office day today. Working out how to deal with Sofie was a challenge. I will miss her first swim this season as well because I have to be here at the PO. Another mom is taking her in so Sofie can go to a birthday party afterwords. She will be all hyped up on fish sandwich and cake when Sean picks her up. I am not sad about not seeing him at all. Cade isn't going again so I will have him with his nose to a book this weekend. He has a lot of it to do.

It feels like I am all over the place again. I am still cleaning and at the library for the school and closing it up for winter. I also am doing the store hours. It feels weird. Anyway, I feel too tired to get my school work done a lot. Seasonal allergies I never really knew I had kicked me on Friday. I was sneezing for nearly four hours straight. It was awful.

Birthday Craziness

2011-09-07T09:36:00.003-04:00

First Day of School - Big Kid Desks

So, yesterday was my birthday and the kids first day back at school. My golf cart was fixed the afternoon before so I was able to drop Will off for work and then take Sofie to school. When we opened the door everyone began singing to me. I think they could tell I was embarrassed. Sofie didn't know what to do. It was kind of funny.

I wasn't sure if Connor was going to make it at all. He was up at 3am running the shower. I knew that meant he wasn't feeling well and sure enough he was throwing up shortly there after. He said after he threw up that he felt a whole lot better though and went to school. I had been thinking, here we go he's going to miss his first day. I don't know if it was nerves or something he ate. He was the only one who got sick though and he has been fine since.

That after noon I went back to the school for a PTC (parent/teacher committee) meeting to plan out the school year. The kids were all playing in the playground and we were trying to finish off to meet the ferry at 4pm to see how the big kids first day went when Will popped his head in to ask for a ride home. I said sure and then we heard an engine and a squeal of brakes. Will went to check and he came back in pale and said "someone" (I can't legally say who) was injured. Since in that room alone we had 3 EMT's we ran outside. The ambulance was on the other side of the playground so I told Will to watch the kids and keep them out of the way. We sent someone else to tell the family since they were also right down the road. It was a trauma and my first real call. I don't know but when you know the person too it adds a whole lot more to the whole thing. Keeping calm and out of each other's way. So one of us called 911 to get the fireboat out and on it's way, another got the ambulance out and the other stayed with our friend. It took a while and from the time we started to the time we were washing down the ambulance took nearly two hours. We got a call this morning that the person is going to be ok but in the hospital a few days. I felt so bad because as EMT's we can't do anything for pain and the person was in a lot of pain. Knowing the person is in good hands really is a relief.

After that excitement I went home to a pot roast and lemon cake I made for my birthday. The kids were great with Will taking Sofie home and them getting everything ready knowing why I was gone. I had a friend over and the presents were nice. After I was all relaxed Cade gave me a huge folder of school paper work to sign. That wasn't what I was hoping for to end my day.

Today started off well other than the rain. I got Will and my friend's son to work and Sofie to school and on the way home the cart died again. I could have screamed. It was just wet and being a pain but, really?

Here we go again. That taste of road freedom was so sweet. *sigh*

Slowly Switching to the new Season

2011-08-30T10:30:00.002-04:00

So, the golf cart is still a big question mark. I am having it moved to my driveway today and I have someone who is going to look at it. It seems to be a wiring issue and fixable.

We are as ready for school as we are going to be. I have a headache really just thinking about it.

Looks like I have wrangled another job for the fall and winter working for our little store a few hours a week. Hopefully I can survive with that, the post office (if it doesn't close) and the day care I do. Hopefully. Will is helping out too now that he is working which is nice. I could never count on his child support anyway so it all a bonus. Especially now that Sean no longer has to pay for him. Will of course is trying to balance work and school. It's hard I know. I am struggling with mine. I did well last semester but not really feeling it this semester. I am doing the work but not as quickly as I should. It hasn't helped I have been off and on ill recently. I had some really bad head pain last week that had me down. Stomach trouble too. I am ok now but now I feel like I am behind in everything.

On a fun note we have already planned a school field trip for September. It is an inter-island get together on Matinicus island. We have to get there by either plane or someone's lobster boat. It is 20 miles out and has a one room school house like us. The kids have been conferencing via skype for a few years now and do book groups together and even some classes. It's great experience with technology as well as socialization. Every year we all try to physically get together with the other outer islands. They have one kindergarten student this year just like Sofie and a girl too. Everyone wants them to get together so much it's cute. We will be camping in tents for two days and I have to come up with an activity. Their school goes to 8th grade. I wish ours did too. Oh well. I will have to leave Will in charge for those two days. He will so enjoy that. Can you read the sarcasm there?

Sofie came home from her visit yesterday. I let her stay an extra day so she wouldn't have to come home during the storm. She had me struggling to keep a straight face on the boat ride home. She asked me if I knew that Kathryn had a scar on her chin. I didn't recall her having one before so I said no. Then she said, "Maybe if she was nicer, people wouldn't want to beat her up and leave scars." Now, I did not ask if this scar was a result of an actual "beating up". It could have been an old bike injury for all I knew. I thought it was interesting Sofie thought she was mean enough to deserve a beating. Then she tilted her head and said, "Maybe Ramona did it." This told me it must be a fresh wound. I didn't want to think if Sean had done anything. He gave me stitches once but it was an accident. I said to her I didn't think Ramona (the "baby") was strong enough to do something like that. Sofie was very animated by then and assured me of how strong the toddler was. She pointed to a fresh bruise on her leg and told me how the girl had come "out of no where" and punched her in the leg. "She has a strong head and strong fist and strong legs!" I rubbed her leg and asked her if she told daddy about it. She nodded and said, "Daddy yelled at her then he grabbed Ramona real tight on her arm and yanked her to put her in time out." I am not sure if I should feel glad Sean finally did something to protect his daughter or bad for how angry he was to the other girl. She is only two after all.

Well, back to work my break is over. I am at the post office today.

No Big Deal

2011-08-29T11:49:00.002-04:00

We were pretty lucky. Nothing bad happened ot us from the storm. In fact the boys said they were kind of disappointed. All I could do was sigh. I mean, really? Anyway, nothing flew away, we didn't lose power and it barely rained. It did rain and it was windy but we have had worse. The boats had been canceled for Sunday but by the evening we saw them running. I had a great day doing nothing because I had run myself ragged getting everything done "just in case" the day before. I almost didn't know what to do with myself.

Tried to pick up my golf cart today. It wouldn't start. It really must be me. I'm doomed to have anything that runs on the island. I am hoping it is just wet.

Storm Update

2011-08-28T10:30:00.002-04:00

So, we finally got everything inside that could fly through the air and break a window yesterday. t was kind of annoying the boys couldn't do it while I was at work but when I got some the look on my face showed I meant business and they hopped to it, except Will who had just got off work himself. He helped his boss get their boat out of the water. Yesterday was the "lobsterman" day at the marina. All the pleasure boats got out the day before. Will said they had to wait a long time because there was four boats ahead of them and five behind them. Everyone had been waiting as long as they could because they needed to get all their traps out of the water or set much further out. Will's boat isn't huge so they pulled all their traps. When you have 1000 traps that can take a while. To make it worse the lobsters know a storm is coming and have shuffled off to deeper water so they are lucky to have gotten 4 lobster in 50 traps. No joke. A lot of work for nothing.

Will left yesterday to a friends house inland. He wasn't running away from the storm but is hanging out with another friend. Lot's of his friends are shipping off to college so they are all trying to see each other for "the last time". At least Will brought in all the big stuff on Friday afternoon like the grill and lawn chairs and our plants. One of our neighbors boys (he is 16) was visiting when I got home and I told him if he was staying he was working. He laughed and helped out. Connor the sneak did nothing and instead made dinner for everyone. Nice trick to get out of clearing the yard but no one complained. He made shrimp alfredo. How can you complain about that?

We have our drinking water and toilet water all ready. I am pretty sure we will lose power. Not worried about flooding or storm surge though. We are on high ground. Even though it's been downgraded to a tropical storm the winds won't be any worse than some of the winter storms we get. We also had all the weak rooted trees taken down this spring so nothing should fall on the house. I do need to get a crank radio. That would be nice. I have a walkman but my speakers I had for it died. I haven't been able to find any to replace them. I have head phones of course but we liked being able to listen to music when the power went out. I was already stocked on batteries. To my immense relief. I also got a little camp stove after the last storm so we can have something warm. I did note I need more lamp oil. I poured the last of it in my lamp for this storm. First aid kit, check. I had been building my EMT bag so I wasn't worried there. Once I get my golf cart I should be getting a beeper to answer calls. It's a scary thought for me to be so responsible for someone else's life.

The boys are actually excited for the storm to come. My friends son is still here with me for the next week so there will be the four of us. I will keep the updates coming.

Near Tears

2011-08-26T10:52:00.002-04:00

Has anyone noticed how I haven't changed my mood icon from overwhelmed all summer? It is a constant state of being. Tired could be right up there as well but I only have room for one emotion right now.

I tried to start reading a new book today and I really like it but I was in tears by page 17. Not that the story is sad in any way but a bit too familiar I guess. So, I am sure the rest of the day is going to be emotional.

I am actually at work at the library, very carefully not shelving the books I should be shelving. I did some but got distracted. I have been up since 5 am anyway. I was cleaning the babysitting until I had to come here. Connor said he would watch the kids for me (I was going to bring them with me) so they could play in the beach ball sprinkler instead. I thought that was nice of him to think of me and them to offer and agreed. I knew he was in a good mood because we had a good day yesterday.

Yesterday. We had a meeting at Connor's high school about him coming back. It was uncertain because there is limited space. We came up with a good plan and he will be going back on the 6th. We still have a few things to do to get ready but it is a huge weight lifted off of me.

If anyone is interested I was interviewed for an article that should be in the Wall Street Journal for August 31st. It is about one room school houses. So, if you see any quotes from an Amy on Cliff Island, that's me.

The storm. Well, it sounds like it is going to be a doozy. This afternoon I am going to make sure everything is put away in the basement that is not bolted down in the yard. I am going to get some drinking water ready and toilet water. I am grateful for all those bait buckets Will has been bringing home. We are all ready for the power to go out. Other than that we aren't very worried. We can always go to the hall if things get nasty. I really should invest in a generator though I think. Live and learn. I will be sure to let everyone know how we fair. Sofie will be in town with Sean. I am not thrilled about that but have little choice. Cade is again not going and Sean doesn't seem bothered by it anymore. Then again, Sean has been rather off the wall the past month. He's kind of in the clouds. Absent minded. Seen it before. Again, nothing I can do about it.

Back to shelving.

History Lover

2011-08-23T10:30:00.002-04:00

Sofie has a thing about historical figures. The real problem with that is she doesn't quite understand that they are "historical". She thinks everyone is still alive. The day before yesterday she asked me if I knew William. Will was there and we both looked confused for a moment. I said, "Your brother William?" She said, "No! William Wallace." Will tried not to laugh. I told her I knew about him but of course not personally. She asked me why not and I had to break the news that he was dead and died a long time ago. She burst into tears and said how she had never got a chance to meet him and how unfair that was. Will at this point had his hand over his mouth to hide his laughter to not upset her further. Then she went on about this was just like the time she never got the chance to meet Jesus. Will had to leave the room by then. All I could do was give her a hug and commiserate about the unfairness of life.

I should be asleep

2011-08-12T06:50:00.002-04:00

I was supposed to start babysitting at 6:30am today but my charge hasn't shown up yet. Ever since the man I was doing nursing for left (last Thursday) I have spoiled myself sleeping in a little. I still have to get up early to work at the post office two days a week (recently) but aside from that it has been rather nice. Timely as well since my stress levels have increased oddly enough. So much so I have had the resurgence of the nausea and chest pain (muscle soreness) I had way back in 2007/2008. Just wonderful.

On a upswing I finally have a new washer and dryer. My old one is fixable and sitting in my living room for the moment. I need to straighten out the basement before I move it down there. I will get some help for that. There are some things I know are just out of my realm.

My cleaning jobs will be ending soon. I am so thrilled. Good money but I am wiped by the end of the summer. I feel like I am hitting a wall right now. It has been a good feeling getting my own house in order and spending more time with the kids.

Sofie has to go to her dad's this weekend and I feel rather selfish. I want her home and I usually am ok with the kids leaving but this weekend I am in a bad mood about it. Could be knowing Sean's rational thinking brain is on the fritz this week could have something to do with it. Who knows, he could be back to "normal" by now. I haven't heard anything from him since Monday. I still haven't addressed the whole stealing debacle yet. I know this is adding to my stress. I want to stay home and bury my nose in my blankets.

So tired.

Not Again...

2011-08-10T11:04:00.002-04:00

How do I even begin? About two weeks ago Sean asked me if the kids could come over a day early and leave a day late because he had family visiting from out of state. We were on the busy dock and I was very distracted so I told him it would probably be ok but I would have to check and would he please email me the dates because I would forget. He thanked me and said he would. He didn't of course and I had forgotten about it. He emailed me the day before, which was this last Wednesday expecting the kids on Thursday. Well, I couldn't bring them in on Thursday which I told him, but I was able to switch things around for them to stay an extra day so they would come back on Monday. Him not contacting me should have been a sign. Now with most people you could brush it aside as forgetfulness. Not with him. One, he really did forget, which for him is never a good sign or two, he was deliberately creating drama to make himself look put upon by his relatives. A center of attention, poor me, narcissistic thing. I am going to have to go with two after what happened over the long weekend. So far I haven't commented on anything. I am still trying to decide if I should and if I do how I will handle things. I know I am going to push aside my frustration that he brought the kids back at noon on Monday and not at the normal 4pm time. I'm glad they were home earlier but he didn't tell me he was doing that. I emailed him to double check because I had a funny feeling things weren't quite right and he replied from the boat. I had to miss my noon class to pick them up and it was the only class I was able to attend so now my grade is going to go down from missing it. Frustrating yes but you pick your battles and this is low end of the totem pole. I was more upset that I could have missed picking them up entirely. Thank goodness Cade is old enough and we live where we live where he could have walked Sofie home if necessary.

On the walk home Cade said, "Well, I'm back from Hell." This was the first time he had gone in a while. He spent Friday and Saturday at his grandparents and Sunday evening with his dad. The grandparents house was full to the brim with people all weekend. Sunday almost everyone went hiking up Mount Washington except the younger kids and the grandparents. Cade wasn't allowed to go, them telling him he was too young which was funny since Sean dragged him along two years ago when he was 10. Anyway, the main issue was the fact Sean accused Cade of stealing again. Cade was more hurt that his grandparents now believe he is a thief than his dad's craziness. Cade broke a rule we had set to prevent this from happening again. I told him he was not ever allowed to bring any of his money with him of any visits ever. Every time he does he is accused of stealing. Cade had been dog sitting and sold some of his game cards to a friend and had $20 on him. He didn't break the rule deliberately. It was stuffed in his pocket and he had forgot about it, which led to a talk about being responsible about his money and keeping it safe but that is a whole other topic. Anyway, he had the $20 with him and on Sunday went out with his grandmother and a few of the cousins to a place that has games. He tried to use his money in a token machine but it was too rumpled to go through so it was spat back out at him. He pocketed the money and sought out a different machine, flattened out his money the best he could and this time was able to get his tokens. That afternoon his dad confronted him and accused him of stealing $60 from his grandfather. Apparently he had his wallet in the basement and now $60 was missing and Sean said Cade was the only one who spent any significant time down there. Cade was in the basement (where they keep their computer) to go online but he wasn't the only one and people go in and out of the house through a door down there all the time. Cade of course denied he took anything and said he only had ever had his $20 he had earned with his summer animal sitting business and card selling. His dad said, "Yeah, right." Then his grandmother told Sean she saw Cade with $40 dollars. What she had seen was him putting a $20 in two different token machines. She was not aware it was the same $20. Cade tried to clear up the misunderstanding but Sean accused Cade of calling his grandmother a liar. Sean then searched Cade's clothes and bag. He found nothing. On Monday he was confronting Cade on the boat for nearly an hour telling him to just admit it, that he stole the money, how could he do such a thing to his oxygen ridden, emphysema troubled grandfather after everything they have done for him and followed him to the bathroom to check and see if Cade had hidden any money to retrieve later. Cade finally had enough and pulled out his pockets, took his shoes and socks off and shook them, dumped his bag out on the table and told his dad out side of a cavity search Sean could look anywhere since he had nothing to hide. Sean then got bitter and said how he supposed Cade wouldn't came back for visits again for months because of this. Cade refused to speak to his dad anymore by then so Sean again got angry and said, "Oh, so you're ignoring me now?" Sean had told Cade how he could help him and if he needed money Sean could give it to him. (snort) Cade took a nap instead. So, I checked my email and phone and Sean had emailed me and left a phone message telling me how much he hated to say this but Cade was stealing "again". This made me angry because he didn't steal any of the other times Sean accused him. Sean then asked me to search Cade's things and confiscate anything I find so he could give it back to his parents. Apparently they also thought out of the whole house full of relatives and strangers that Cade was the culprit. Cade is most upset about that. He is also angry and certain his dad has been telling them he has stolen in past which makes him look like a likely suspect. Sean told me how Cade hadn't come with any money and now claimed to have $20. One, Cade would never tell his dad he had money even if he did in the first place because if he did Sean would devise and way to take it. That was what he has done for years now and one of the big sticking issues the older boys have with him. Two, he had no reason to take his money out before Sunday.

I want to shake my head how all of this could have been avoided if Cade had just left his money at home. There was a reason we decided to have that rule in the first place. I also believe Cade was lax about using his money because his dad wasn't around so he thought it was safe and because he hasn't had any fights of this nature in a while so it wouldn't happen again. That him not showing up for 4 months taught his dad a lesson. Since Sean never apologized the first time Cade should have known better but this is kind of what I had talked about before. You get complacent when things are going well or if you are detached for a while because then when it happens again you keep asking why, why?

Now, I know it's a Sean issue not just a Cade "stealing" issue because he has been harassing Connor recently as well. He called Connor the day before the hike and asked him to come. Connor thanked him and told he would have liked to have come if he had known about it sooner but he already had plans for the day and didn't have a way to be at the mountain by 9:30am. Sean was upset and told Connor how he couldn't believe he would choose a friend over his family. Connor tried really hard not to say something crass to that. It wasn't like he was offered a ride or anything. Connor said he was sorry and thanked him for thinking of him and hung up. Two days later Sean texted him and once again railed at him about not coming and how inconsiderate he was, how selfish Connor was for not visiting his family. He said how disappointed he was in Connor and how Connor had disappointed his family. Connor was upset about it and you could see how depressed it made him. He was saying things like, "Whatever.", but that was all cover. He finally said, "I just don't get it. I don't understand why he does stuff like this." I have to again remind him his dad has a mental illness and not just assume his dad is a jerk and try and be respectful of that. It isn't about Connor and do not believe all the negative things his dad says to him or about him. They are not true. When his dad is acting like that do not engage him. No one comes out a winner in that.

Which leaves me with, what do I do? I feel like it would be a positive to address the stealing issue with Sean because when a future court case comes up....and it will....I can have evidence that I did try and work with him on this issue. I did take what he said seriously. I did discuss it with Cade. I even did search his things. I was upfront about it with him. I explained why it was needed. Cade said he had nothing to hide and to go right ahead. That alone tells me volumes. I turned everything upside down. Nothing. If he had taken $60 and had spent $40 when he was out with his grandmother that would leave $20 to find on him somewhere. Yet, there was nothing. Not even a penny. Sean also asked me if any of us were missing money and I have told him time and time again we never do.

I was considering having a conference call with Sean, Cade and myself. I really want to say, this is the last conversation we are ever going to have on this topic. Explain how I took Sean's concerns seriously and the steps I took to deal with the issue. Deal with provable facts. Money may be missing but there is no proof of how that came to be. Did his dad lose it himself? Misplace it? Someone steal it? Second, why assume Cade did it? Just because he was in that area the longest does not prove he took money they can't prove was taken in the first place. Cade was searched by both of us, body and belongings and neither of us found anything. I can also verify Cade did have money of his own and how he earned it. Other than Sean's belief and opinion how can he say Cade stole anything? Is he basing his opinion on what he considers past behavior? Considering how Cade and Sean both have very differing ideas about that is significant. This issue needs to be looked at in it's own relevance, not connected to anything else. When looked at on it's own merits without bringing in any old baggage, then what to you see? I would like to set the same rule that Cade is not allowed to bring any money but this time let Sean know about it. I didn't tell him before to avoid an argument because the basis for this rule is because of how every time Cade does Sean accused Cade of stealing. I knew it would led to Sean trying to justify himself and that would be a waste of time. This time, lay it out there and say if Cade has money at all on his person when he is at his dad's from this point forward Sean is welcome to confiscate it. Cade was not thrilled with this but I said to him this is the only way. One, Cade will be more diligent about keeping his money at home. If he has money on him at the bay lines and his dad is picking him up he can leave it at the office for me to pick up for him. Cade was ok with that. If Cade has no money that hopefully this won't happen again. Of course Sean could still accuse him of stealing but there is nothing we can do about that. You can only instill so many preventive measures.

Then again, I would like to ignore the whole thing. It would also be nice to tell him off and tell him if he does this to Cade again I have him sued for harassment.

Dreams.

Should I say anything? I don't know what to do anymore. Cade by the way is not going back next weekend. I wonder why?

On another note, things are looking up for Connor to reenrolled in school for the fall. Weekly therapy in place to help him stay in line, pdoc on tap without a wait for any emergency, Connor wants to be there (which is more than half the battle). Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Links

2011-07-30T14:41:00.002-04:00

As I briefly mentioned before, I may soon lose my postal job. I really can not say more but I can post links to those who can. Here is a local news spot showing our island.

Local News

Mental Health Burps

2011-07-26T08:46:00.002-04:00

All my previous whining aside I try and keep on target on why I started writing here in the first place. Dealing with mental health issues in the family. How that affects me and our family. What realizations I finally understand for the first time and the struggle that comes with that. It's easy to spout off when "things" are in crisis. You are focused on that and dealing with that so it's a tree in a forest thing. Then, there is the long term coping. That I think is much harder to deal with, live with, cope with, understand. It is so much harder to stay upbeat when this "thing" called mental illness wears you down. If it is this hard for me than I feel so much compassion for those who have to live it. At the same time however there are many times I want to scream and wash my hands of everything.

In my current dealings with my bi-polar ex-husband it has gotten slightly easier. Only slightly and that is because now that he no longer lives here it isn't a daily struggle. Let me preface one thing, when I say "bi-polar ex-husband" I use the term bi-polar for a reason. One, it is a reminder to me that yes he does have this illness no matter how much he protests otherwise and for me personally I have a hard time remembering it myself because I think I still don't want to accept it sometimes. Two, to differentiate which mental illness I am talking about. Anyway, the immediately consequences of his actions are apart from me which helps in the short term but make it hard for me in the sense that I can tend to think of him as some kind of ex-husband jerk stereotype instead of the issues he has. Also, the long term problems are what drains me. That is never going away. That is hard to accept and cope with. His issues with the kids, coping and financial are far reaching and there are times when it would be nice to want to run away from it all. That, however is "negative" thinking and so I make sure I recognize these feelings, give them a handy dandy label and sigh (or have a good cry) then regroup for a while until all if this feels too heavy again. As time goes on dealing with Sean's issues is getting, not easier but more predictable which makes coping somewhat ok for me. Connor on the other hand is still fresh for me.

For example, last week he was on a tear again. Really pushing boundaries. Not liking the consequences. Not my problem. Then Saturday night he was gone for hours, no calls, nothing. Curfew came and went. I have no vehicle to track him down and his phone was at home. I knew...knew...where he was but that was beside the point. I called the house I knew he was at and he apologized profusely. I didn't care. The next day he asked if he could work with me at a house cleaning job I had in the afternoon. That was great because Sean wanted to drop Sofie off half a day early. No shock there. So, I would have to take time out to get her and bring her to my job which would slow me down. Did Connor actually work? Nope. He had his mental health burp. He was depressed the whole day. He refused to say this was how he was feeling but he was sleeping almost the whole day and kept calling his counselor. I am glad he was seeking the right kind of help while in that frame of mine. Not an easy thing by any means so I am hoping his therapy is paying off somewhat. I am worried he has the next two weeks off from it because his counselor will be on vacation. The next day Connor was back to normal, doing chores and homework. The ups and downs make my head spin. If I could only see some kind of pattern.

oh, and on other news, they are thinking of closing our post office again. It's on a short list. I can't say more but it will be on the news.

Stress

2011-07-20T08:28:00.002-04:00

Things have been feeling like they are out of control. Too many things going on and I am so stressed out I have been gagging every morning from it all. I haven't done that since Sean left really. Things will be slowing down soon. The end of this month/beginning of August. Still, time seems to be running together.

My washer is not working at all right now. The back is off and I am waiting for a part for it right now. I had practically now clean laundry. It isn't like I can pop down to the laundry mat from here. I am paying a neighbors friend to do it for me in the meantime. Not much but enough to cover gas for the golf cart to get it to their house, water, electricity and his time. I am also muti-tasking by having him pick up and drop off the laundry at the same time so I can get a ride from him to my evening nursing job. My car won't go down the path to that house even if it was running properly, which it isn't, so I never use it anymore. It's walking and bumming rides until the end of September when I will be getting used golf cart for free. I normally love walking but my feet hurt so much at the end of the day I am getting edema and I am walking up at night from the throbbing. It isn't so much the walking but the fact I am on my feet from 5am until nearly 9pm every day. Let's forget bathroom breaks and not include meals because I am usually running around while I eat. I try and put my feet up whenever I can and Will has been making dinner when he's home so I don't have to. The kids are doing chores but they don't always see my notes and I can not always call from different jobs.

Typical day: Up at 5am, clean up, eat (take vitamins), dress, pack for the day (usually a lunch), do at least one chore, walk to job.

Nursing job from 7 or 7:30am until just before 10am on library days later if Sunday or Tuesday. 10am -walk to library, Monday, Wednesday, Friday (unless working at the Post Office, which means I have to find someone to cover library job and skip morning nursing job), 12pm - head home to do homework and chores unless it's Thursday when I go to clean houses instead until 5 or 6pm. Walk home, eat, change, do one chore, go to evening nursing job from 7:30pm until 9pm, walk home unless I get a ride. Saturday I do the nursing job, post office, library, clean a house, home to eat then nursing job. Sofie comes with me to clean the houses and the library so I am spending time with her and give Cade a break to play with his friends. Will watches her in the evenings. Also, in there I am dealing with Connor when he gets into fits, making sure he goes to therapy, making sure he does his school work and that he is trying to be balanced while he works, does school and spends time with his friends. I wanted to scream last week and did wind up crying for nearly two hours when my patience met it's end with him. He was pushing the boundaries every single day, several times a day for a whole week. Then on Friday when I had a full work day, went to drop off Cade and Sofie in town to find out Sean had bailed so now I had to come up with new babysitting plans off the cuff, did my food shopping and house hold shopping, took Will to get new work pants, dealt with a moody Connor and got home at midnight on the late boat to get all of this done, Connor decides to tell me he is going to a friends house the next day and not going to do a cleaning job he said he would do. I lost it. I was in a panic because there was no way I could clean the house myself in the time allotted because I would be at other jobs. I had asked Connor if he wanted to do the job over a month ago and clearly said if he didn't I would find someone else so it wasn't a big deal and no pressure. He said he would because he wanted the money. Now he tells me he never agreed to do it and I wasn't on the same page as him and I get mad too easily. That just upset me more. Oh, did I mention I had been up 22 hours by this point? I asked him how he would feel if he had a kid who didn't ask permission to go someplace but thought he could just say he was doing it and think that was ok, skip a job that was agreed upon leaving someone else scrambling, skip therapy (which he did last week, it was for a valid reason so that wasn't my problem it was because he didn't call) without being responsible and calling the counselor to let them know and then getting angry with the parent who points out the problems but yet doesn't get mad and instead says, "If you don't want the job fine I will get someone else but you can not visit your friend because you didn't ask which is the rule and instead felt it was ok to tell me, the parent, what you are going to do at 12 o'clock at night. Not to mention the fact the chores you were asked to do did not get done or did you call your counselor which you said you would do and I called to remind you to do. Do you think it's ok to get angry with me instead. That seems a bit defensive." Well, first off he said it didn't matter how he would feel about a kid of his doing that because he is never having kids. Totally missing the point of developing some empathy. Then said I was over thinking things. He then went on to try and walk away and when I told him to sit so we could talk he got angry again. He said a lot of hurtful things and that I want to do everything in my timetable. Not trying to see all the help I have been trying to give him on developing his own timetable of doing what he needs to first and doing a little at a time to not overwhelm himself. He said how he never gets to spend time with his friends. Let's forget he has a friend staying with him the whole summer. I told him he sees his friends every single day after work for at least four hours. He said that it wasn't enough and he shouldn't bother at all. I told him if he wanted to be that way and cut him self off that was his choice. He said it was my choice because I would let him go visit his friend on another island for the day. I told him I wouldn't take the blame for his actions. He can spend some time with friends or none at all. His choice. As for not seeing his friend the next day, well, I felt bad about that but there are consequences to actions and he had been pushing the boundaries of his actions for a whole week. My finally saying no doesn't mean I get angry too quickly by any means. In fact being patience for a week to see him make good choices on his own was above and beyond what other parents would do and he should be grateful that I feel he has the ability to be mature and responsible enough on his own without me micromanaging his life. Then he went on about about how I was a liar and how I always say positive things to him but bad mouth him behind his back to Cade. Cade tells him how I think he is lazy and stupid etc.. That's when I started to cry. I told him I never said such things and I would be speaking to Cade about this. Right now I wasn't even in a place to know if what Connor was saying was really true or something he was saying to hurt me and Cade. I was also really upset after everything I have said and done if Cade real did say such things that Connor could so easily believe such a thing. I finally went to bed that night but only had four hours of sleep before I had to work the next day. Although he didn't apologize he did see me at work the next day with over half of his math work he needed to get done for the whole year done. As well as bring me lunch and he did almost all the chores. I knew it was his way of thinking things through and realizing he had been lax in things and he wasn't angry with me anymore. Still, I am wary and still hurt by it all and I feel some distance between us on my part. It's something I will have to work through. It reminds me a bit too much of his dad for me.

I am still using slippers to get around. I went to the store to get new shoes but I only had time to go to one place and they didn't have what I wanted in my size. I ordered some sneakers online so they should be here any day. I am still looking for some sandals though. Thank goodness for online shopping.

Sofie has been having a blast. She has been earning ice cream with memorizing poems for story hour, and cleaning up the beach, building fairy houses and playing tennis. I helped he make a little "nursery" in my room for all her babies. She has been having so much fun with that. She has been looking for sea glass, making jewelry, doing bridge school work, dancing, swimming and playing with the sprinkler. The most exciting thing has been her bike riding. I think she may be off the training wheels by the end of the summer. If she manages it she will have done it long before the boys did. Here's hoping.

Cade doesn't want to see his dad next weekend. Sean has been asking me why and I told him they needed to discuss it. Cade was willing to go and talk to his dad last weekend and Sean said he couldn't take him. Now this weekend Cade wants to have friends over and doesn't want to go. Sean facebooked Connor saying he wanted to talk to him so Connor called him and Sean never answered his phone. Sean called back several days later but Connor was spending the night with a friend. I told Connor his dad called and he just shrugged. I'm not the middle man.

I had better get back to work now. Break is over.

Better late than never...preschool graduation pics

2011-07-11T16:04:00.004-04:00

Wow

2011-06-30T15:12:00.003-04:00

It's been awhile huh? I should be doing homework but I am taking break. I was feeling stressed and that wasn't helping.

So, here is a quick low down on what's been happening. Connor's mood is much better. His therapy appointment last week went well. He has been working consistently which is a huge improvement although he still is having trouble balancing work, friends and school work. School is always last and then he has a frenzied moments where he does school and nothing else. We are working on that.

Cade has seen his dad once in almost two months and is skipping again next this weekend. Sean hasn't said much.

Sofie and Cade had a stomach bug Sunday and Monday. My washer doesn't spin so laundry was so much fun with that going on. I am having someone come look at it next week.

My desktop and modem fried and are now useless due to a storm. Thanks surge protector. I was able to get a new modem for free from a friend and I got that up and running after a full day at the post office and before one of my online classes. I got it done with only 15 minutes to spare. Now I don't have a desktop.

I lost my only pair of sneakers and cried. It took me years to find a pair I really liked. I now have no money to get new ones. I should be getting a good amount of money soon. Work is picking up because of the summer. I am trying not to take on too many jobs and get overwhelmed.

My island car made me scream last week. I hate it and need a new car desperately. I wish I had $6000 because someone in the PO is selling one used but in great condition. The only thing is the steering is on the right side. Fun for the island though. Still, I don't even have $60 much less that.

Sean owes close to $4000 now. He is falling apart at the seams apparently. "They" lost the van they had purchased for all the kids and now only have his duct taped lexus to drive. Fights are breaking out all the time and even Sofie is fed up with it. Chaos. Utter chaos. I really love the fact she was the one who turned in her car to get the van so you know it was either under her name or the both of them and yet he still has his car while she doesn't. So it begins.

Sean's parents have been incommunicado with the kids. I think the whole graduation thing is still an issue. The kids also aren't very inclined to talk with them. Of course, the catalyst in all of this is Sean. Him and his illness are still causing pain and hurt for everyone.

I had better get dinner ready. It isn't easy when you are almost out of food. I need to go shopping tomorrow. I hope I have enough money to do so.

Coping Skills

2011-06-19T07:49:00.002-04:00

Things have been tense around here since Thursday. Sometimes it's hard to forget how stumbling blocks that everyone has to deal with from time to time can have nasty results for others who are already fighting to maintain stability.

Connor had been doing relatively well recently. Working from time to time but not every day and doing school work, trying to find a balance. I knew with the change of the other kids ending school for the summer and me going back to work at the library it would be hard since change is not something he does well. Still, he was doing fine if maybe needing some pushing and reminding from me. Weekly therapy has been a big help. Until Thursday. He went to town for a session and he had asked to go by himself which I let him do with the caveat that I had to go at least one session a month for accountability, my views and scheduling. He was ok with that. I was planning on going to the next session this coming Thursday. On his way he walked with a friend to his friends school and they stopped off at a dunkin donuts for a coffee then went on the way to school. At school Connor realized he had left his wallet at the store. He raced back and found his wallet but he had been robbed. He had been planning on going to the bank to deposit money he had earned working and was now out $130 and his bank card. This tipped him right over into depression and anger. He tried to look at the positive that he at least still had his boat pass. However, he wasn't in the frame of mind to think clearly. He sat at the bay lines all day until his friend got out of school (it was the last day) and told him what happened. His friend saw his state and invited him fishing which helped a little. Connor had been planning to buy a phone card so he could call me but now he couldn't. He didn't go to the bank, which was across the street, to report his stolen card. He had no money to use a pay phone to call me, but if he had been thinking clearly he would have known that the deckhands would have let him use their phone since he has done it before. He didn't eat or drink all day. He also bailed his therapy appointment. He didn't call to cancel either and he had been warned that if he did that again he would be dropped. So things were a mess. I made him call his counselor the next day and the bank. That night when he got home I made him drink and eat and go to bed. Friday he was a broody mess and exhausted all day. He still hasn't made that connection between depression and exhaustion. He got offered a job for Saturday and was wishy washy about it. So, I told him he had to go. He whined that he had never said he would (although he had) and I said I wasn't going to argue about it. The commitment was made and it was only for one day not a long term thing. He huffed and went to his room. The rest of the kids knew what happened and felt bad but wouldn't say anything to him afraid to set him off. Saturday he went out on the water to work ( he hauled on a lobster boat) and came back that afternoon much better. He said he had fun and then he washed up and went out with friends. I hope the big part of the mood swing is over. I am not happy that he didn't see his counselor as a support. I told him that at times like that are perfect reasons to go not bail. He said he just wasn't in the mood. (scream) I told him that was the whole point. His mood was crappy and that was what his counselor is there for. So, we have a lot of things to discuss this Thursday. Hopefully he won't be dropped. Also, I hope I can make sure the DBT is on track. Coping skills, without them Connor's life is going to be real tough.

Shock

2011-06-07T09:14:00.002-04:00

Well, Will heard from his grandparents. I still have a hard time understanding their reasoning and if I do then I am rather certain Will does too. His words after he read their email was, "Well, if they keep this up then I will just treat them like dad."

Why such harsh words? Will let me and Connor read the email. Connor didn't even finish it he was so disgusted. I reread it several times just trying to grasp what they were saying. I could tell it was well intended. They are just so far off the mark.

Will had emailed them with the information about his graduation. He had called as well. He had talked with his grandfather who asked who was going to be there and he never once asked if Will's dad (his son) would be there. When Will emailed he told them he would appreciate it if they didn't tell his dad about the information because he didn't want his dad there. It is his day and he didn't want there to be a scene or stress because it would "ruin his graduation". There was no reply and they didn't show up. We didn't know what was going on and he never even got a card. Yesterday, Will checked his email and saw one from his grandfather. In it he had a paragraph telling Will his feelings were his feelings and that he understood them and they weren't wrong. He said how he was an adult when his parents divorced and how it made him feel. He had asked his dad about what happened but his dad had told him it was none of his business which made him angry. Later on he realized his dad did that for him. His dad had an affair and that his mother would call him at 3 in the morning bad mouthing his dad and thought that he should be bad mouthing him as well so, he understood Will's feelings. Reading that upset me for several reasons. I felt it implied I was bad mouthing Will's dad. I don't do that in front of the kids. I may have weak moments in therapy or here or privately with friends but mostly it is others who bad mouth him and I feel bad when I hear that. I know most of what they say is true but then I feel bad for looking like a moron who chose to be with someone like that and for the guy who tried for years to overcome his issues. I also have to try hard to keep in mind a lot of his choices are made while deep in illness. Hate the illness not the person. I also felt like his grandparents feel Will's issues are about the divorce. That he is choosing me over his dad. His grandfather also said he has heard something about money $1000-$2000 but he didn't care about that. Will sure as heck cares. Will and his father's issues are not about divorce or even money. It is about trust. Will doesn't trust his dad. Not to steal from him, not to lie to him, not to keep his word. It is between the two of them, their issues. Also, Sean does nothing to show he cares for Will. He doesn't care enough not to steal from him, lie to him, call him, write him, acknowledge special occasions for Will like holidays, birthdays. Sean tells his parents he loves Will but that I am feeding him lies and keeping them apart. Does Sean tell Will that he loves him? The first thing he said to him in years was to ask for a favor. He takes and takes but doesn't give as a parent should. Now, these thoughts are not something I share with Will. That would be putting his dad in a negative light. Besides, Sean does enough on his own to make himself look bad. This is why I stay out of it. Sean and Will have a long road ahead of them, maybe even therapy, but that is for them to decide. Does it hurt me? Yes. I keep thinking about the day Will was born and Sean cried when I held him the first time to today when he didn't even show up for his firstborns graduation day. No card, nothing. It hurts me deeply and I can't imagine how Sean makes Will feel. It is so difficult not to say anything, not to give advice, not to get in the middle, not to get involved but I have to do that. They have to build their own relationship together without me. The only thing I have told Will is that he might want to remind his dad, even if it's just once a year, of what they have discussed and if his dad was willing to do it. Will said he wouldn't. He said he has set his limit, his boundary and if he crosses it then his dad will know limits are meaningless and try and walk all over him again. It's hard to argue with that logic.

Anyway, his grandfather went on to say how Will had put them in a terrible position. How they love Sean and him. How Will should be a man and open up to his dad. How they knew he loves his dad and that his dad loves him. How as long as Will feels his dad shouldn't be there then they weren't going to come. Well, Will was furious. I could tell because he was silent. I was too. To me it seemed so simple. Yes, I am sure it hurt for Will to ask for them not to tell his dad about his graduation. I don't think though he was asking the wrong thing. He was asking his grandparents to stay out of it. I believe he was right. The same reasons I don't get involved apply to his grandparents. Instead of not coming they should be supportive to Will just as much as Sean. They don't have to agree with either of them do but not to show up for a once in a lifetime event? If Sean wanted to know he should have asked Will himself. Of course Will could have told him as well. Let be devil's advocate here after all. Will, however, has told his father that until he comes to him and acknowledges how and in what ways he has hurt Will and make amends to rebuild trust Will was washing his hands of him. Sean knows this. Will didn't come up with this in a vacuum. He told his dad over and over again. Will waited for 6 months for his dad to do this. Sean did admit he stole Will's money to him and that it was wrong. He also told him he had "intended" to pay him back. Then he ruined all that progress by crying on his knees that he had no idea what he could have possibly done for Will to be so angry with him. How he wasn't going to pay him anything and then he told Kathryn how it was all my idea to take Will's money, that I wanted it for food and how he knew it was wrong and didn't want to do it but since he loved me so much he did it anyway. How parents sometimes have to make hard decisions and that is the reason he doesn't need to pay anything back. Will also is aware that his dad knows exactly how hard Will had to work for that money because Sean tried to do Will's job twice when Will was sick and Sean couldn't do it. Sean got sick both times. Will has told his grandparents all this. They think the money is a "silly" issue to argue over. It isn't but the money is only a catalyst. Even Connor knows to hide his bank card from his dad. His dad is just not responsible with his money or anyone else's. If he needs something he takes it. He is not always that way, only when he is a depressed cycle. Then he knows it is wrong which feeds the depression. We all understand it is the illness but when he is stable he knows he did something wrong. Some people with bipolar don't even remember doing bad things but Sean usually does. If he can lie and make up excuses for it then I know he remembers. He he doesn't remember then he gets angry and denies everything. There are ways to tell. What his grandparents don't seem to realize is that saying they love them both but then not coming is hypocritical. They did choose a side. Sean's. There isn't a side to choose but doing what they did made one. Leaving it for the two of them to work out is what they should have done because they are only alienating Will from them. If they told them they didn't agree with what he was doing but still came that would have been one thing. Will simply wanted his own dad to take responsibility of asking himself. He wanted his dad to "act like a man". I couldn't believe they were asking Will to to that. What about his father the adult to do that? It seems to me like they are blaming Will for the distance between them.

Anyway, they said they would send a card and visit the island sometime. I am not sure I want them here right now. It may be good for the kids but right now I don't feel very accommodating or being the "better person" for the kids sake. This isn't the first time they have done something like this. The first xmas after Sean left we had made arrangements to visit. I would visit then leave the kids so they could see their dad for a bit then pick them up. Just days before, the day before Will's birthday as a matter of fact, Sean turned off our utilities. I had warned the kids that it would happen eventually and to not worry. When it happened I would take care of it. I don't think that they really believed their dad would do that to them however. Will called his dad when the tv was turned off and asked him what happened. This is where things went bad. If Sean had handled the situation well then things would have ok but he was rude, spiteful, nasty,cold and mean to Will over the phone. He basically said he could care less what happens to the kids over here. Will was beyond furious. I had never seen him that angry before. He said when he saw his dad next he was going to punch him in the face. Connor was angry too and didn't want to go. He said if he did he was going to help Will beating up their dad. They were both teens and angry and Sean wasn't exactly stable at that time. He has always been quick to temper and had thrown things at the kids before and shoved Connor around. I knew there needed to be a cooling off period or there could be violence, physical violence. I told his parents that we would come for a visit so they could see them for the holidays but that I didn't think it was a good idea for Sean to be there at that time and explained why. I told them I would bring them by again and in a week or two after tempers had cooled for a visit with their dad. They told me I was no longer invited to stay and that if I didn't drop the kids off and leave then they didn't want the kids to come either. I said I would do that as long as they assured me Sean wouldn't be there since this was going against the kids wishes at the moment and explained again why this was a bad idea. They refused. I told them I wasn't going create a situation both Sean and the kids would regret because it wouldn't matter if his parents were there or not. Sean doesn't care about an audience when he gets physical. So they told us not to come. Later, in court his mother said not coming was my decision and that I had said I would come but "had made up my mind" not to come. That was very hurtful. I understand now that they just couldn't (and still can't)comprehend the dynamics of Sean the kids or believe that they could be violent with each other. Considering their own family background of mental illness, alcoholism, verbal and physical abuse they should know better.

It's all so sad.

Big Day

2011-06-06T10:04:00.002-04:00

Will graduated Thursday evening. Here is a link to a clip of the ceremony. At 00:46 you can see Will and two other students real well. You can see him again at 2:30 and 2:45 walking away. I will be buying a copy of the ceremony on DVD. He will hate me for that...:) In the mean time I have this clip. I will upload pics (as blurry as they are) soon. I have to find the camera first. I keep forgetting where I put it. Senility has hit me early it seems. Sean didn't come. I wasn't really surprised. I did think he might send a card or something but nothing so far. His parents didn't come either. Will did tell them about it and they had said they wanted to come. We haven't heard what happened yet but I think because Will's grandpa had eye surgery only a few days before and he is on oxygen and his grandma has to work full time as well as take care of her husband it may have been too much for them. I will try and not remember the fact they flew to Colorado last month to see their son graduate college. This was pre eye operation. Not thinking....not thinking. Anyway, Sofie was funny. She was yelling for Will and clapping, "Go Will!" Will went to his project graduation and then spent the weekend with a friend. He will be home later today and right to work on the boat tomorrow. I talked with him over the phone and asked how his project graduation went and he said it was "ok". They had taken a bus to a lake to ride an old style wheel boat but Will grumped that the captain was a coward. The captain said the wind was a bit rough so he didn't take the boat actually out on the lake. So, they were stuck on the boat, docked for hours. Will who is very conservative about when to go out thought the captain was just plain lazy. Will has almost enough hours in for his own captian's license so he would know better than me. He has some cards waiting for him when he gets back. None from his grandparents yet either though. My mom was there it was just the whole side of his dad's family that was missing. Even his aunts and uncles. Will was supposed to meet up with one of his aunts last Monday but she never called to confirm even though he left her five messages. They had all better watch it because Will has limited patience for being ignored. Other than that it was nice. Cade and Sofie caught small colds. Connor is sick now with a nasty summer cold. I have a scratchy throat and stuffiness but I am hopeful that it will be a small thing and nothing like what Connor has. I had better get back to my own studies now...

The Sun has Emerged

2011-05-29T17:49:00.002-04:00

Nearly two solid weeks of rain. Then, overcast with streaks of sunlight. I am not complaining much. I like cloudy days. It is getting warmer though and I have never been crazy about the heat. I think it should always be around 68 degrees. The kids think I am a freak.

Anyway, I have been super busy with school work. I really struggled last semester having other things going on. So far so good this time even though the pace is going to pick up. Next week is going to be a whirlwind. Will has his graduation and his stitches removed from having his wisdom teeth pulled last week. Connor has therapy which is back to happening weekly again, Sofie has a field trip, I have two classes and homework, I am doing a full day at the post office and babysitting. Speaking of which I am picking up a new one. The newest island baby one day a week until around September. I am excited about that one. I have an excuse to slow down a bit in order to take care of him. He is 3 months now. Sofie will be very excited too. I was also wrangled into Will's part time business, more on that in another post. So, I am nervous about all the work but happy too.

What I am worried about is the situation with Cade and his dad. Cade didn't see his dad again this weekend. I did have company he didn't want to miss and if he had been seeing his dad regularly he would have stayed home this weekend anyway which he always does when they come, which isn't often, which is why he stays in the first place. He hasn't seen his dad in over a month now. He plans on not going back either. At least this week he called. I told him he had to call or he had to go. If he thinks he is responsible enough not to go then he has to be responsible enough to talk to his dad and tell him why and have some kind of communication. The problem was he called and his dad didn't answer the phone. Sean never does when they call. He screens and calls back. That made Cade angrier and he left a message explaining his reasons and hung up. His dad called back but Cade said, "If it's ok for him to not pick up when I call then it's ok for me not to answer him either." I wasn't home when Sean called because I was on the boat bringing Sofie in but Cade told me when I called home to make sure he had called his dad. Sean said nothing when he picked up Sofie but I could tell he was pissed. I had just agreed to a weekend switch via email for next month and I doubt he wanted to affect that by yelling at me but it was obvious he was mad. Mad at Cade but found me the easier target. I try not to let those things bother me anymore but they do somewhat.

Will just made strawberry ice cream. Three days after surgery and he grilled and made ice cream. Ahhh to be young again...:) Gotta go eat this before it melts.

Wet Week

2011-05-15T11:18:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I last posted. Time is flying by. It's supposed to rain all week. I hope that doesn't make my sniffles worse. I think I may have some kind of allergy thing going on. Who knows?

Anyway, I have been treading water as usual. I was able to get a few babysitting hours last week which was nice. Sofie had two days off because the older students had to take an overnight trip to the state capital for a field trip with other outer island students. That time was nice.

Connor is doing somewhat better. He is doing his school work again although not as much as I would prefer but something is better than nothing. Of course he is working for money less so he still has balance issues.

Will is getting ready for prom next Saturday. I didn't think he would go but he broke down and decided to go for it since it will be a masquerade.

Cade on the other hand seems to be doing fine except for in once area. His dad. He came home the weekend before last (friday) on the ferry as Sofie and I were going to get on in order to go for the visit. Cade usually comes home on the ferry to hang out with his friends and drop off his stuff then he rides back in. As soon as he got off the boat he said he had a bad day and wasn't going to go see his dad. He was near tears and adamant. Time was an issue since I couldn't take time out to talk him "down". Sofie and I would miss the boat otherwise. So I told him he could stay but to call his dad right away and work something out. If that meant him coming to town on the 7pm ferry or Saturday. I left otherwise Sofie wouldn't be going either. I can't take that 7pm ferry because there wouldn't be another one for me to come home on. I told Sean what happened when we got there and he said Cade hadn't called him. I was irritated of course since I was put into the hot seat. Sean said he would call Cade. I got home and Cade still hadn't talked to his dad. Fine. Not my problem any more. In the end Cade never went. This weekend Cade had Friday off from school due to a celebration thing his school does. I had to go in early on the noon boat for groceries and supplies so I told him he could just come in on the 4pm ferry like we usually do. I had Sofie with me and Will came along as well. He also didn't have school since it was a senior play practice day with which he isn't involved. We had to get some stuff for his new part time job (more on that later) and browse for pants for his prom outfit. I got to the bay lines to drop Sofie off and Cade wasn't there. Will called him on his phone and Cade said he had "missed" the boat. Maybe he did, maybe he missed it on purpose. Most likely on purpose. I told him he needed to call his dad. When Sean got there I told him what happened because, yet again, Cade hadn't called him. Sean said he would call. I asked him if he wanted me to call Cade right there but Sean said I didn't have to. I knew Cade would just not answer the phone if Sean called but he would answer if I did and I could just give Sean the phone. Nope. Didn't happen. Fine. All weekend he has been jumping when the phone rings afraid it's his dad. Something is going on but I am not sure what. It could be after the last incident with Kathryn (the yelling and shoving) he is afraid or has simply had enough. He isn't talking even though I have been probing every now and then. He did say he was feeling guilty about Sofie being there alone. He really feels like she is all alone there. He felt she is going to be angry with him. So, I am not sure what the next move should be with this issue.

My next school semester starts next week. I have to register tomorrow.

I have to contact DHHS. Sean got a subbing job at the end of April which should last hopefully until June. Lord knows he won't tell them.

I need a cup of tea for my sore throat and a good movie.

Faux Potluck

2011-05-03T09:06:00.002-04:00

Quite out of it today. We went to a dinner at the hall last night which wasn't what I expected. It was supposed to be a potluck so I made a beef stew and cookies. Turns out the plan had been changed to a pasta dinner so no one had to bring anything. I was the only one who didn't know. More food for me so, oh well. The kids had fun. Even Connor was running around playing tag with the little kids. However, Cade, Sofie and Connor woke up with slight colds this morning. I am feeling tired myself. Not sure why exactly. Sofie has a bit of a cough so she is in bed. Connor and Cade are toughing it out. Will stayed in town yesterday so he missed out on all the cake but he also missed out on all the germs...:)

There is a nip to the air today. Why does that make me want to take a nap?

More B-Day Pics

2011-05-02T11:15:00.006-04:00

Don't be Fooled

2011-05-02T08:05:00.002-04:00

I know it looks like Sofie has a lot of presents for her birthday but I really just make it look like that for her. The plastic thing in the front of the picture is a marble run the "Easter Bunny" put in their basket this year. Worth the purchase. ALL of them play with it. Do you know how hard it is to find something all of them will play with when their ages are from 18 to 5? Every single day one of them rebuilds it. It's a little harder for Sofie to do but she benefits from learning about gravity and she also directs them on how to build it. What I like is that they don't tell her if her idea won't work. They just help her build it and when the marble doesn't work they tell her it was a good try so she learns herself. Anyway, I got most of her presents from goodwill. Some are from her brothers which they paid for themselves from their own jobs. A few are from other people. Still, looks impressive doesn't it? :) She made her birthday crown at school.

I am still getting headaches now and then. I am not sure if they are connected to my little hospital trip on Monday. These are really headaches that don't encompass my entire left side of my head down to my neck like before. Not my usual migraines either. In fact I haven't had one of those in months. I used to have the whole shebang, one side of the forehead, spots, nausea, light and noise sensitive, smells too bothered me. However, this "thing" isn't like that. It hits suddenly and hard but as the week has gone by with less frequency. I still have some of the heavy duty pain meds left over. What has been working for me is to stop whatever I am doing, sit, take some ibuprofen and some deep breaths. After half an hour or so it goes away. Thankfully I have been home to be able to do that. I worked Saturday at the post office and I had one hit but I took the medicine and sat down and did some reading. There is always reading I have to do for the job. It's all required too. Good thing I am a fast reader. Anyway, I am hopeful this will pass soon enough.

Sine I have been "resting" this week I have been able to do a lot of things around the house and yard. It has been real nice and rather relaxing. Sofie has become a real gung ho garden freak. She weeds like a mad person. So far no actual plant has been damaged with her enthusiasm. I will take some pics soon of what we have planted so far. I didn't do anything really since Sean left. Another part of who I am that kind of got lost because of his illness and actions. I have worked so hard trying to get by financially in the summer my feet went numb, so gardening or anything else was just not on my to do list. Nothing outside was on my list at all. I am trying to do more things for me and hope for the best. Since Sofie is excited about it, it is a motivator. Will as well seems to be able to grow anything so we have stuff all over the house.

So far we have planted or in various stages of growth:

green peppers

cayenne peppers

jalapeno peppers

ancho chilies

thai peppers

basil (Sofie's)

parsley

chives (outside)

oregano

rhubarb (outside)

hanging hot peppers (outside)

apple tree

aloe

banana plant (from Costa Rica)

roma tomatoes

garlic

marigolds (outside)

iris (outside)

johnny jump ups (outside)

lemon tree

mint

blackberries(outside)

ginger

Planned to plant this week:

cantaloupe

potatoes

Future:

strawberries

morning glories

I still have to get a few more supplies but I can get most at goodwill for a great price. Who knew?

I spent most of Friday cleaning our grill. Will was thrilled and he cooked on it yesterday. Nothing I clean stays that way for a full 24 hours I swear. Still, he is good at it and made pork ribs (a gift from one of the people I clean for), and two types of chicken. One marinated in peanut sauce and the other an italian rub. I made macaroni salad and a plain salad to go with it. Nothing fancy. Leftovers are great.

Connor went to spend the night with a friend on Saturday and agreed to see his dad for a few hours on Sunday. Connor refused to go to his house and refused to discuss Kathryn. He told his dad the only way for them to see each other would be to get together for lunch or in town for a few hours once and a while and as long as his dad didn't do something stupid. Connor wants to be able to have access to leave if he needs to based on his dad's behavior. I am glad Connor is willing to see him but it is also good he is setting his boundaries. Now, this may seem odd since he is the child and Sean is the parent but looking at it from the stand point of Sean's illness (untreated illness) it makes sense. Now if Sean was seeing a medical professional and on his proper meds it would be a different game but that just isn't how it is. I would love to be able to do this with the younger kids but I can't. Sean seemed excited to see him and was all praise for Connor. I expressed to Connor that I am sure his dad was happy to see him and to just keep in mind that Connor is a very non confrontational type of personality while his dad is the type to be excited and quick to compliment and schmooze to manipulate. Just take stuff as it comes, be happy with it but go heavy with the salt on all those "compliments and adoration's". Be happy that his dad seems happy and leave it at that. Don't count on anything that will lead to heartbreaking disappointment. Also, keep your wallet hidden and don't fall for tricks like, "I just need to stop by the house for a second." If his dad wants to do that then fine let him. Connor can wait elsewhere since it's the only way he can reaffirm his boundaries. I feel bad like me saying these things is putting his dad in a bad light. I have to keep reminding myself this isn't a normal situation. If Sean was taking care of himself there could be more freedoms. Yet with this illness you have to have limits and stick to them or get walked all over. Maybe, if Sean learns them now and all of us can be firm, it will foster better relationships in the long run. That is my hope anyway.

Sidenote: It seems "the mean witch" is in therapy for herself. I guess there have been others who have told her she has "anger issues" and "control issues" and isn't being a very good stepmother. Let's hope this helps to put an end to the verbal abuse she gives the kids and the tendency towards the physical abuse as well. Funny how she is now going and Sean still refuses. I know I knew I had to go in order to cope with his illness and how it was affecting me. I wonder if that is also a factor for her as well? Not enough days in the week for the amount of therapy she needs.

More Costa Rica Pics

2011-04-29T11:21:00.006-04:00

Time to establish emergency protocol...

2011-04-29T09:50:00.003-04:00

What a week. Sofie's birthday went well. She had fun helping to make her cake. We had a late dinner so we could include Cade. He got home around 7 pm. We did the cake thing and a few presents before we ate. Around 7:30 I got a fast a furious headache. Not like a migraine. Not like a sinus thing. Not a annoying frontal pain in the butt. Oh no. When I say head, I mean practically my whole head. It was from the bottom of my ear and jaw all the way up to the top of my head. It felt just like the pain I had last October when it turned out to be a bad tooth that needed a root canal. The difference was my teeth felt fine. No swelling. Nothing. Anyway, I took a couple of ibuprofen and hoped that would work. It didn't. I took more half an hour later and by this time I had directed the kids to clean up the table and put the food away. I went to bed, making sure Sofie was changed but within another half hour I was ready to scream. Will warmed a heating pad, I tried cold, I took Tylenol, I tried darkness, then walking. I knew it was a nerve that was really trying to get some attention. Finally after throwing up from the pain I called for help to go to the ER. Since it was already 10 pm I couldn't take a ferry so I had to go by fire boat. Which meant calling 911 and the island ambulance. I was so mortified. In pain no doubt but I would have preferred to just have gotten a simple ride. Anyway, seven EMT's showed up. It was distracting and rather amusing, well, I was as amused as I could be under the circumstances. I was so out of it I was just reciting all the information they needed in a daze before they even asked. One of them laughed and said I would have to be put down as the first responder instead of them. A few went out on the deck and I joked (when speech was possible) that I should have thought of providing snacks and drinks. My blood pressure was high ( for me, I usually run a little low) but I am sure that was in response to the pain. Will stayed with Cade and Sofie. Will and Connor both were up with me which was thoughtful. I asked Will if he was excited to be 18 and the adult in charge. He smiled grimly at me. Connor went to the hospital with me. He was quite excited about the trip so at least one of us had a good time. It was exhausting though. I couldn't sleep from the pain anyway. In the end I was told to wait a few days and see if the pain improves because it was either a nerve thing from teeth (which I doubted) or an infection of the lymph node. Lucky me. Anyway, I was given something for the pain to get on top of it which I was grateful for. It still hurts but I don't have any swelling, which is a good sign and the pain is lessening as the days go by. Nothing some ibuprofen can't take care of. The whole thing does make me very sleepy though. I feel pretty good for a while then I suddenly get very sleepy and the head throbs. Tuesday was a wash since I didn't get home until 6:30 am and I had been awake since 5 am the day before. I slept half the day, woke for a while then went back to sleep. Wednesday I had to go into town for several appointments so I popped in to follow up with my doctor. Will has his surgery to have his wisdom teeth pulled for next month. Connor had a therapy session. It didn't quite go the way he wanted which was fine with me. I like it when other people tell him the same things I do, since who listens to me? Yesterday I did chores in between short 5-10 minute naps. You would think someone had punched me in the head or something. It sure feels like it.

Some Pics of Will's Trip to Costa Rica

2011-04-25T15:15:00.006-04:00

blink

2011-04-25T09:20:00.002-04:00

Today is Sofie's birthday. I feel strangely older with her turning five than I did with Will turning eighteen. It will be fun watching her open presents but sad as well. Cade won't be here and I doubt she will wait until 7pm because his first tennis practice is today. Also, and this is just me, I feel sad because things are different now. Birthdays and holidays are just not fun for me any more. I have mentioned it before I know and maybe it is some odd form of depression but I have very little joy in them. I like picking presents out but I used to like making them as well. The kids birthdays though are the worst. Maybe it's a woman thing but I always think back on the day they were born. All of those memories are now tainted with Sean. It isn't the same when you are having those memories alone. It's at times like these I want my husband and I want my kids to have their father here to share in these new memories and talk about the old ones. Not the guy out there now who, in my mind, is a father in name only. I imagine I will outgrow it. I don't miss him when I have to take out the trash for example, or when I do all the other things he used to do.

Easter. It was a quiet day. Cade and Sofie came home from April vacation with Sean. Nothing was different. Cade had a melt down because we didn't have any jelly beans. Now, I know it really wasn't about jelly beans but he was crying for half an hour. He said Easter wasn't Easter without jelly beans. I know it was more about having some things be the same. Something to count on when other things fall apart. The stress of the visit. On one hand he didn't have to see or deal with Kathryn or her daughter for five days. I have no doubt they planned it that way. Three of those days he didn't have to see his dad either because he visited his grandparents. He did have to deal with one of his littler cousins (who is five almost six) for those three days. The kid swears like a lumberjack and likes to push everyone's buttons to see how far he can get. Cade said, "His mom needs to take care of him herself!" That would be Sean's sister. Does it run in the family? Well, at least she tries. That dad also bailed and sees the kid even less than Sean sees his kids, which is saying a lot. Also, they had a birthday party for Sofie on Saturday. Cade was rather hurt that when she got her presents they were signed by Sean, Kathryn and the two girls. They deliberately didn't add Cade's name. They didn't involve him in the process of gift giving or help him in any way. He was bawling the whole time he told me this. I made sure that even though he will be late today we will have cake after he gets home and the gifts from him will stay unwrapped until he can be here to see her open them. That might not seem like much but it is the small things that make a difference. They just once again made it clear he wasn't included. Sean sent no holiday tidings to Will and Connor. He did send a candy bar to Connor as an Easter present. I gave it to Connor who looked at it funny. I said, "This is for you from dad for Easter." He took it, glared at it and said nothing.

I'm glad it's warming up a little. Sean didn't send Sofie's coat home. What a pain. What did she think she was going to use for the next two weeks? Thank goodness for layers.

Floundering

2011-04-18T08:11:00.002-04:00

Kids are gone so I should be throwing a party or something. Instead I am cleaning. I have been ignoring other things to do it so I know something is going on somewhere in my head but I am not sure what. Am I worried, overwhelmed, upset? I don't know. Usually when I clean I feel a sense of control and accomplishment. Instead, all I am seeing if how much more I have to do. Which makes me feel bad, which then makes me crawl under the covers to do school work. Of course then I feel like I have to much of that to do and stick it out for a while to slip away from that to the next task. Then the circle goes round and round. I should be over at the library today but I am not sure I will make it. It isn't like I have to be there. I need to clean it up and get it ready to open soon but going today isn't vital. I should finish up my assignments instead but I am torn and tired. I'll probably wind up folding laundry. I am having problems with priorities so maybe that's why even though I might work hard, I feel that lack of accomplishment. I like the me who is happy for small achievements. *sigh*

I feel like the kids should be here. I can't imagine how Cade is faring at his father's right now. Sofie will simply cry and fume but Cade....? I think I will shove that from my mind. There is nothing I can do about it in any case right now. *sigh*

I really need a new desktop. I have two but they are both old. I spent a good part of the day yesterday cleaning them up (on the inside) and they were SO slow. Everything I own is old or hanging on by a thread. Since all the kids (and me) use them for school it's pretty vital to keep them running well. I need to get them networked as well but I don't see it happening any time soon. More worries.

I had better eat something. Without the kids around I have less incentive to cook anything. I did yesterday to get stuff out of the fridge so Connor was happy but he's crazy if he thinks I am doing it today. Leftovers. Enjoy.

Glad I'm not a bug....

2011-04-18T07:38:00.000-04:00

Transfusion Stat!

2011-04-14T08:29:00.001-04:00

I just finished shopping for Sofie's birthday. Even though I am not paying for all of it (Will and Connor gave me money for their purchases) I am still cringing. I also had to get a present for another birthday Sofie is going to AND Easter stuff. I am tapped out. I have to get new sneakers for Cade since his are falling apart and he just joined the tennis club so he kinda needs some. Granted, I made an extra $200 this week cleaning but gads. Plus I still haven't gotten anything for Will's graduation. I have an idea but who knows if it will pan out. I feel like I am bleeding money.

It is now a game....

2011-04-13T19:01:00.002-04:00

So, it poured today. Sheets. Thankfully it was clear when I walked Sofie to school. The bag I was carrying felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. I had all my cleaning supplies and the jumper for the car in it. I think I had mentioned before the island car had died. I was walking for a while and I was able to get some gas, jumped it again and it worked. Some might say, oh it was just out of gas stupid. Yet, the jumping problem is a serious issue. Jumping it every time I need to turn it on isn't fun. Anyway, that was Friday. I used it all weekend then *poof* dead again with gas on Monday afternoon. I had Connor pick up the jumper yesterday from the car and I charged it over night in a last ditch attempt to get it to go. I wanted to at least get it in my driveway either by getting it started or having it towed. A serious new car search in underway. I dropped Sofie off and went to a house across the street I was hired to clean. I got her at 11 am and we went back to the house so I could finish it off which wasn't easy since there is no water yet. I did what I could (too bad for the insides of the toilets) since the people are coming tomorrow. They will open the house up and turn the water on later this week. By now it is back to pouring rain. I had totally forgotten I had a PTC meeting and had to give a treasurers report this afternoon so I was trying to hurry. Sofie and I sloshed over to the car (which was still in the school's driveway) and I figured I would try and jump it. I knew I was going to get soaked. I got Sofie in the car so she was at least dry. Then I popped the hood and held it up, since the bar that holds it up is missing with one hand. I was also holding an umbrella in that hand and then I connected the jumper with the other hand. I noticed after all this the jumper had been accidentally left on since 8 am. I was doomed. Being the optimistic person I am I turned the key anyway. IT WORKED. Holy Crap. I disconnected the jumper and prayed it wouldn't stall. Now, the wipers have only worked twice since I have had the car which has been what, 7 months now? I could barely see out the window and Sofie told me to try the wipers. What the heck? THEY WORKED. I tried not to pass out from the shock. Of course the car has no heat so the windows were fogging up but it was a short drive. I have driven in worse shape. Once I got the thing in the driveway though I called for a ride to the meeting. I think I am done messing around with it. I think it is playing with me now. My own little Christine. Better stop now before it eats me.

Worried and Worried

2011-04-12T07:06:00.003-04:00

Sofie woke up yesterday morning and was upset. I asked her if she had a bad dream and she said no. She looked very nervous and told me that the mean witch said to tell right away if she peed the bed. I had no idea what she was talking about having just woken up myself. I am not very lucid and 6:30 am. She just stared at me and nodded. I said that that was probably a good idea then waited. She kept staring. Then it dawned on me. I asked her if she had peed the bed and she cringed like I was going to scream at her. I thanked her for telling me. She had been wearing a pull up so I asked her if she had gotten the sheets and she had. I told her it was just and accident and how proud I was she had gone so long since the last time she had done that. I told her she was getting better all the time. She was very relieved. I found it odd since I never yell at her for something like that. Connor had accidents until he was 8 years old. I had taken him to the doctor and was told his bladder hadn't grown as fast as the rest of him and it happens to a lot of kids and he would catch up eventually, which he did. After dealing with that Sofie wetting the sheets once a month maybe is no big deal. I still have her use pull ups at night just in case (live and learn) but she just sleeps right through it if she does go. That night I was putting the clean sheet and protective pad on her bed and Cade asked if she had wet the bed. I said yes and he told me this weekend Sofie had wet the bed and "the mean witch" and gone ballistic. She yelled for Sofie to come upstairs and lit into her about not telling anyone about the sheets blah, blah, blah. Sofie was crying and scared to death. Sofie has always told me in the past if she wet the bed, sometimes at night but usually in the morning because as I said she just never woke up during the night. Now I know if she went and woke them up they would have a fit but then again if she waits until they wake then she will get yelled at for not waking them up. Lose lose situation. On top of that Sofie got yelled at for leaving the toilet seat up. Kathryn is afraid the baby will drown. I say buy a toilet lock because a four year old is just never going to remember. They are just lazy. They would have to help Sofie with a lock so I guess making her responsible and yelling at her is the easier option.

Speaking of yelling Sofie woke up Cade at 2am on Saturday evening crying because her leg hurt. She gets growing pains and I have brought her in to see the doctor about this several times. Will had it pretty bad when he was little but outgrew it by the time he was 5. Sofie may take a little longer but the gaps in between bouts is getting longer and longer which is a good sign. Still, when she has them she is in real pain. I have to get her pain medicine, warm heat and I have to rub her legs until she calms down which is usually half and hour or so. Cade couldn't get any medicine, had no access to anything warm so he rubbed her leg until she fell asleep. Sean and "the wife" don't help her because they think she is faking. The next day of course Sofie was cranky and tired and so was Cade. How Sean could think she is faking when we went through the same thing with Will is beyond me. Then again, this usually happened at night and he was always at work at that time so maybe he simply forgot. I feel helpless for her.

Also, speaking if yelling, way back when Will went on visits he told me about an incident when they left Sofie unsupervised (she wasn't quite 2 yet) and she dumped a whole bottle of sunscreen on "their" bedroom floor and smeared it into the carpet. Sean found the mess and had an extremely difficult time restraining his anger. I think he did because Will was there and waiting like a hawk for Sean to screw up. Several deep breaths later Sean went to the girls room and beat the crap out of a over sized stuffed bear. He pounded and pounded it. I guess this bear is his anger outlet because Cade said he was woken up at midnight over the weekend because they were fighting..again. He couldn't hear what they were saying exactly but it was enough to wake him from a dead sleep. He must have gotten the tail end of the argument because he heard his dad leave their bedroom and stomp down the hall. Cade peeked out and saw his dad again punch the poor bear repeatedly, mumbling something the whole time. Cade got scared and hopped back in bed before he was noticed. Sean never had to do anything like that when he was here. Is his anger getting worse? Is it the alcohol? Anyway, I am sure all those worries didn't help me yesterday and the car problem just sent me over the edge.

Will leaves for Costa Rica today. He is home right now packing his things and will leave on the noon boat. I let Sofie stay home today to spend time with him since she was crying about missing him. She is helping him pack which helps her with the process. Sofie won't see him again until Easter Sunday. I hope he has a good time but I will miss him.

Not again...

2011-04-11T15:14:00.002-04:00

I think I am doomed when it comes to cars. I was able to get the island car running Friday evening and even though I had to jump it every time I turned the car on at least I could get to point B from A. Well, It died again today and now it sits beside the school. Of course to make everything perfect it was during a thunderstorm when it gave up the ghost. I am so done. I don't even know how to move it from there and right now I don't care. I came home and cried. I was at least able to get a ride so Sofie didn't have to walk home in the rain. She had a rain coat at least unlike me. I really needed the car too because I need to bring my heavy three step ladder to one of the houses I am cleaning to get at the windows. I told Connor he needs to chip in with me and Will and get a golf cart or something. He said he would since he has made $300 in the past three days. Who knows how much he can spare though since he is saving up for drivers ed. Will is out of money now since he paid for his trip and his first semester of college as well as incidentals. I have $500 to give the cause but I had wanted that for rent. I need something before summer hits and we will be zooming from one job to the next I just can not walk 20 miles a day plus work on my feet every day all summer. Connor is also working on fixing up three bikes for himself and his brothers. I don't know. I am just feeling tired right now. Tired of life more than anything. Guess I had better get motivated and plan dinner.

Do I have time for this?

2011-04-08T07:02:00.002-04:00

No, but I am going to blurb something out anyway. Where to begin? How about a call from Cade's school counselor this week while I was in the middle of a elementary school gym chaperoning Sofie at a health fair? Sound like a fine and calm setting? He told me Cade had come to talk to him. I had a feeling Cade would since he was crying when he got off the boat and very stressed. He mumbled something about how he didn't have his work done and he was going to get yelled at but that really wasn't the problem. He had his work done but he had a lot on his mind. What stuff you ask? Well, Monday was the first time since he went to school on the island he missed a day after being at his dad's house. He talked and talked and talked. Some was venting some was just random things. Talking around the problem. I knew he had gotten into a fight with Kathryn and that she yelled at him but he didn't elaborate. I knew he would tell me eventually. He did on the same day he told the counselor so I was glad I didn't have to ask. Well, she not only yelled but swore and in the end grabbed his waist and shoved him into the side of a door. He has a bruise on his leg. Connor was the one who saw it first and he was hopping mad. The counselor didn't see the bruise since it is high on Cade's leg so nothing was reported this time. She is on the radar. I was also able to remind Cade on Wednesday's a lady he knows well from the island is there as a visiting nurse and he can also talk to her. The fight was stupid. It was just a dumb thing and so small really. She asked him to come upstairs and he said he would in a minute. How many parents of teens and pre-teens hasn't heard that before?He was on the computer and was trying to turn it off first because he didn't want the younger girls to mess with his stuff and because he gets yelled at for leaving anything electronic on. He should have told her what he was doing and maybe the event could have been prevented but he didn't and her reaction was unacceptable. She ran down the stairs and yelled and swore and said how this was her house and her rules and just pressed the button on the computer off. That's really bad for the computer by the way. Anyway, after that she shoved him and hurt him. He was in pain of course and although he didn't technically swear back he came close and said, "I can't believe you did that! You're an ahole!" Well, I talked to him about how to not make a bad situation worse. His response could have made things really bad. Thankfully she just pushed past him and left. She could have slapped him for that or worse. They have to be there for April vacation. I asked Cade if he was going to be ok and he said, "Oh yeah, I am looking forward to my week of hell." I was so sad I didn't even say anything to him about swearing. I mean, what do I do?

Fighting the Urge

2011-04-02T17:45:00.002-04:00

So for the past week I have been trying to watch the Harry Potter movies in order with Sofie. Tough task with how busy it's been lately. It took three days to watch the last one because we watch for only for a little while before bedtime or if Sofie falls asleep, which ever came first. Then I would get online and do some school work. We have a long ways to go. Sofie wanted to do it though and snuggle up with me since I have been gone so much recently with the new job. It's been fun but now I want to reread the whole series again. I just do not have the time but the itch is now there and like the chicken pox it mocks me.

Speaking of being mocked....

I did my first day alone at the post office today. I was worried I would be late which gave me a stomach ache. Stress I suppose. I did fine of course. I was faced with several letters I couldn't deliver and had no idea what to do because it hadn't been covered yet. I called for help and got that straighten out. I am not thrilled making change for people. I am really not familiar with the prices of all the inventory so that also unnerves me but I did well. After I was done I went over to the island store which, until summer, is only open on Saturdays. I loathe to go because while I love the lady that runs it I am not very impressed with her husband who works on Saturdays. I try and not get angry with him but he just says the most condescending things to everyone. Cade worked there for a while but couldn't stand being around the guy who would get angry over the smallest things. Cade has to deal with that enough in his life thank you very much. The guy has never been deliberately unkind to me but I think he just doesn't have a clue. Today for example he was trying to be nice, I think, by congratulating me on the new job but then he ruined it but saying, "It must feel good to finally have a job with real responsibility." It took me a few seconds to process that. Was he insulting me for not having a "real" job before now? It isn't like his wife is working right now. What does he mean by "real responsibility"? What about the library? What if I did a poor job cleaning a house? I doubt I would be rehired again. What if I had a child in my care that was seriously injured? Have I been sitting on my thumbs all this time? I just smiled and said something vague about the government wanting everything in triplicate, bought my eggs, which I now wished I hadn't needed and left. Anyway, I have some more training next week on Monday, Connor has therapy Tuesday, Sofie has a field trip Wednesday and I will be working at the Post Office the whole day on Thursday. My bosses husband had some appointments going on she needs to be there for. I think I will be ready. Friday Sofie has swim and I will have to drop her and Cade off for a visit. Some how I will have to fit in my classes. Who needs free time?

What a Week

2011-04-01T09:46:00.002-04:00

It's snowing today. Seriously. Schools canceled. Swim class canceled. I am trying to do some things online before we lose power. We may not of course but with my luck....

Anyway, I did my training Monday and Tuesday in town for my new job. It was nothing out of the ordinary. Boring at times, interesting at times and a long days for sure. The first day I was feeling rather sad. I could really feel it and it was noticeable. I should have been excited since I like doing new things but this wasn't really "new". I was training at the place Sean worked at and dealing with people who knew him and his father. It was embarrassing at times but I got the sense from thew few who asked after Sean they weren't surprised he was still on disability. I don't think they knew about what had happened and I didn't elaborate but I still got a few pity looks. I really didn't know how he was perceived at work but I am getting a bigger idea. I also found out about employee programs I qualify for and I was really upset. One was for counseling and support that I had no idea Sean and all of us were eligible for when he worked there. We spent so much money for counseling and things of that nature that were free through his job. At this point I don't qualify for benefits but if I get made full time I will. That would be nice. Still, with the bad job market I could be let go just as easily. I also have been doing my 24 hrs. of paid training this week. I have to go alone tomorrow even without all my training done. I am nervous because you just can not mess up. Official stamp this and do that in triplicate that. It's like when I worked the polls but this time I will be in charge. Eek. I will be trudging through the snow again this afternoon to practice again. Wish me luck.

I got my taxes back today! I paid off the dentist, credit card AND paid the rent on time. whoo! feels good. Especially since I have money left over and I will be getting a paycheck on the 15th as well as the child support. I still have to fix the island car but things are looking good on that front.

As for Connor.....I am back to square one after his little chat with his dad. *sigh*

Crowded House

2011-03-27T10:05:00.002-04:00

I spent the whole of yesterday afternoon in town dealing with my car. At one point I felt like crying. I had it jumped and went to go get gas just to make sure that wasn't the issue. I needed it to run at least half an hour so I decided to get it washed and fill my tire. I didn't want to run around on a low tire or just sit there. Well, the automatic machine for the car wash stole $10 from me. I went though anyway and grumbled knowing I would now have to go inside and talk to the clerk. My time wasn't up from running the battery yet so I decided to get air before I went in. The machine only took quarters. I keep coins in my car ashtray for times like these and parking meters but when I looked there was only nickels and dimes. Mildly annoyed I checked my wallet and saw Will and Connor had cleaned me out for bus money. Well, crap. I waited since I didn't want to go inside with the motor running. After half an hour I turned the car off and tried to start it like I was told. Zip. Nothing. I had to call AAA....again....in one day. I called and saw Cade's phone was almost out of minutes. There was maybe $1 worth left. I tried not to panic. I saw a pay phone. It said it took nickels and dimes but in reality it didn't so I had to use the cell and hope for the best. After being told I would have to wait 45 minutes. Again. I went inside and got a drink and a candy bar. It was 2:30 and I hadn't eaten since 8am. I told the clerk about the car wash and was given a number to call since they didn't own the darn thing. Fine. I got some quarters which I realized I should have just used for the pay phone and went to get air. I blamed my absentmindedness on panic and stress. AAA took 20 minutes longer than they told me, I was glared at by three people who wanted to use the air machine. Thank goodness I went there first and not the pumps for gas. No sympathy at all. In the end I didn't leave the gas station until 4:45 and just made the boat. On the upside the real problem was just the car battery. I have gas, no electrical problem, no starter problem and the alternator is good. A dead battery I can handle. They replaced it right there. I still had to fork over $120 but at least I had the money, I didn't need a tow, I don't have to spend the hundreds of dollars I was dreading and I have my car back to drive next week. I have to drive to the training place for the post office Monday and Tuesday so I was giddy with happiness. I wanted to sit there and start the car over and over again just to test the reality of it. Will called in the middle of the whole battery fiasco and asked to have friends over. I wasn't really paying much attention and agreed, not comprehending how many friends he meant, then the phone died. I knew Cade had a friend over. No problem. Connor also had a friend over. Ok. Will brought three. Six teenagers and two middle schoolers. All but Cade taller than me. Did I mention they eat a lot? Thank God for pasta. Everyone was well behaved though and they did all the dishes and cooking and even made cake. One of the friends was visiting from college. Times are moving fast.

On the bizarre side of the coin, I dropped Sofie off Friday to visit Sean. We took the 4pm ferry which gets in around 5:20 and Sean picks her up at 5:30. He has never once been on time. Sometimes I fear I will miss the 5:45 ferry home but he always seems to make by the skin of his teeth. Will and Connor were in town and were going to take the 5:45 ferry home with me. They knew Sean was coming and they usually go outside to not run into him around 5:15. When Sofie and I got there imagine my shock to see Sean there at 5:20 and talking to Connor. Will was even there. Sofie ran inside and went to Will instead of Sean and cried. She missed him and didn't want to go etc. etc. Sean didn't look pleased. Will hugged her and told her he missed her too, then gave her a treat. She thanked him but was still sniffing. She told Sean she didn't want to go. He bribed her with pizza but she said she didn't want to eat it. While she said good bye to me Sean turned to Will and said, "Hi Will, how are you doing?" Will completely ignored him. Then Sean and Sofie left. I looked at Will but before I could say anything his friend (who is one of the ones visiting) said, "Wow Will, that was cold." Then he laughed. Will said to me," He has been here about 15 minutes and he walked right past me, never looked at me and didn't once try and speak to me until you stood beside me. I'm not going to be used like that." His friends nodded and agreed what he did was certainly cold but well deserved. Connor even agreed. He was pissed how his dad had ignored Will and spoke only to him but he was also mad about a few things his dad had said to him. He asked about school and said he had heard Connor would be going to the school his wife teaches at next year. Connor snorted apparently and said, "No. Like hell I would. Who told you that?" Sean said it was a teacher at Connor's school. His crew leader. The one Connor has been having issues with all along and has been feeding info to Sean's wife because they are friends. The one Will despises. Connor told Sean the guy was nothing more than a liar. After that the conversation lagged. I wonder if the teacher really said that or if Sean is the liar? Sean suggested they go see a movie sometime. Connor shrugged. Sean had walked right past Connor too the first time and even left the bay lines entirely when he saw Sofie and I weren't there. Connor said he spoke back to his dad because he didn't want to be rude but Will wasn't the only one Sean ignored. Connor said he might not even bother if there is a next time. *sigh*

Blanky

2011-03-23T12:05:00.004-04:00

So, Sofie decided she was having a blanky baby last night. She said it would take 32 days until it would be born, then said 6 days which finally ended at 23. Wild gestation period apparently. She said it was a girl and she would be naming her blanky Elizabeth. In the end it only took half and hour after which she wiped her greasy from dinner hands on it and threw in the washer for a bath. Ahhh, motherhood.

I am a feeling a little green eyed I guess. Sean is about to buy a huge six bedroom house. It makes me mad for several reasons. He never once tried to buy a house for our family even when we could afford it. He is still behind in child support so shouldn't that be a first priority? Why does he need that much space? Are they going to have more kids? It isn't like his two eldest children will ever be there and it won't be long before it will be three who don't visit. How in the heck can he afford it? Besides being behind with DHHS he still doesn't have a job and they don't make more now than when the "wife" was living in a tiny two bedroom condo. They have instead a new van, still making payments on his car, had a baby and are swimming in debt from college loans. Seems stupid to me..especially when they will have to also pay out of district fees for her daughter to attend school.

Speaking of the little biter. Cade was furious last weekend when he discovered how much of a thief she was becoming and the fact she had no consequences for it while he had his head nearly ripped off in the past for the "idea" he had stolen money. He found she had four student id cards from high school students from her mother's school, seven Boarders cards, a card from a local music store that wasn't hers and $50 stashed away. Now he is simmering thinking he had been screamed at all those times and it was probably her fault. He has no proof but that is where his mind is at. I didn't ask him if he talked to his dad about all that money she had or anything. I am going no where near that can of worms. I doubt Cade ratted her out. When they find out (if they don't already know) it will be interesting to see the results.

Upswing

2011-03-21T09:24:00.002-04:00

I sometimes wonder how it is I have managed not to sink deep into the depths of depression myself. My stress level is functioning at an all time high. Not a high and then a leveling out but at a constant high. That said, I take good things when they happen with a sense of relief followed by a, "Hey, let's not get cocky now.." attitude.

The first miracle this week was when Sean actually got off the boat with the kids and personally handed me a check. I think the only reason he got off the boat was to hand me the check and not for the kids sake but take what you can get. I was really becoming depressed with the idea that he wasn't going to pay what was ordered by the court since it is his pattern of behavior. I was very glad to get it but I didn't act like it. I said a simple thank you and left it at that. Let's hope it doesn't bounce. Cade and Sofie whined and complained the whole walk home and at bedtime about their weekend but I was able to keep a calm center and hummed noncommittally. I was a little upset when I heard Sofie was punched by the 8 year old girl over there but Cade said he, "took care of it", I didn't ask what that meant.

I got my taxes done and I will finally be getting money back that my hyper manic bipolar ex husband can't steal....very nice. So even though I am going to be tight for the next few days I should be getting some relief soon. Also, the summer people have begun to filter back which means more jobs for me. I also should be starting my post office job soon so I have some financial hopes for the future.

Connor's mood has improved greatly. He wants to go back to school. He isn't upset with me or the work we have been doing here he just feels that, "he is ready" to go back and work hard. Maybe it's the change in season. I don't know. He has an appointment Wednesday with his therapist and if we are lucky he will be back in school on Monday of next week. He sleep schedule is good. He is walking his sister to and from school. Exercising more. He is more social. I am watching for anything hyper manic but so far he seems fine. I am scared to be hopeful.

No one is sick!

My school seems to have fixed their site so I am not missing anything finally.

I can get the car fixed now I have some money.

I can pay off all of my little bills and get the car registered.

I can get one nice present for Sofie for her birthday next month. I can't believe she will be 5. She thinks the whole month of April is her birthday...so funny.

I like this.

Innocent Eyes

2011-03-20T12:04:00.002-04:00

The other day I was shopping at the grocery store with Sofie. We were in the check out lane and she tugged me and said, "Mumma! There is a beautiful lady over there." I looked around but I didn't know who she was referring to. I asked her where she was. Sofie told me, "The lady with the rainbow hair. She's going to have a baby!" I looked over and a few isles down was a very young pregnant woman. I would say she was in her late teens, early 20's and she did indeed have rainbow colored hair. Hence the picture I posted just to give a little example of what her hair was like. Not the actual person of course. Our eyes met and the girl smiled at Sofie obviously hearing the whole thing since Sofie wasn't quiet in the least bit. I smiled back. I am sure Sofie made her day because Sofie waved and said, "Hi beautiful baby lady!" I can imagine how some people would probably look down on such a young girl, pregnant and with an obvious style of her own. People seem to do that don't they?Seriously judge. I guess Sofie did too but in a very nice way. Through innocent eyes.

Where have I been?

2011-03-17T17:49:00.002-04:00

Here. Fretting.

My school site has had issues since redoing their site and so my grade are low because I wasn't able to even log in for days at a time. It will be taken care of but still....

Connor is the same....."unhappy". Having a hard time getting in to see the pdoc.

My car in town is dead. I will have to wait until I get my taxes back to fix it, although a friend is going to have a look at it on Tuesday. I have to beg for rides or borrow until then. Rides on Fridays to swim class and next week Connor has a session and Cade has a conference. He missed high honors because of gym. How lame is that?

I have to see Sean tomorrow to drop off the kids....that stinks.

Honestly thee is so much going wrong from the large to the small I feel my heart aching all the time....literally. At least no one is sick for a change. I cleaned my house to get a feeling of control in my life. I want to go to bed but I have a class at 10pm tonight.

I made green pancakes to celebrate the holiday today. There was a potluck at the hall but I had a class at the same time it was going on and missed it. Will was in town and Cade had a bad day and was upset so he didn't go. Connor went but I didn't want to send Sofie with him. So, the rest of us had pancakes after my class was done. I really wish I could have gone.

No word on my orientation day. I finally got paid for babysitting. I have people hunting down the number to the loggers so I can get paid. When I mentioned they had stiffed me two weeks pay it didn't sit well. I hope someone chews them out. I am too much like a shivering chihuahua right now to do it myself. I am pretty confident Sean is also going to stiff me. April first is beginning to loom and I haven't heard anything. I feel great to have gotten some money this month for working. Not enough but I did pick up two more jobs for next month. Look for the positive.

Isn't this boring?

2011-03-04T10:24:00.002-05:00

Whatever it is that is making me feel crappy seems to be getting better. I was really out of it yesterday. I slept well the night before (mostly due to nighttime cold medicine) but that same medicine made me sleepy all day. I didn't do very much but I realized my new classes started and I was freaking a little because I thought I had the week off. So I was a day behind. I had two classes yesterday so I spent most of the day in bed with my laptop. Not a bad deal huh? I did housework and took care of the kids of course, Will is sick, but the rest of the time I did my homework and rested and drank plenty of fluids. A lot of green tea. Still, I was coughing up crud all day. Is this a sign I am getting better? At this point, who the heck knows. I think I have some kind of immune problem. This winter has been horrible. I eat my veggies and fruits, take my vitamins, ride Will's exercise bike when I can't take my walk, load up on antioxidant stuff and keep the house as dust free and clean as possible so..what the heck? I know I have germ factories called children living with me but come on..I am getting real tired of this. I do have a lot of stress though....

I got a call today from my new boss...(hee hee) saying my orientation day has been set back to the 28th. I can't be on the rolls until the employee I am replacing if officially gone. After that I will get my paid training and start working. I will have to inform DHHS. I hate doing the right thing...still, has to be done.

Speaking of DHHS, still no word about them collecting anything. I think they send me mail to raise my hopes. *sigh* At the very least I know they are making his life miserable. I'll take what I can get. I am still waiting for the rest of the court ordered money from him. Frankly, if I don't have it by now I doubt I will.

Paid bills today. I want to cry.

Well, give me a break

2011-03-01T15:23:00.002-05:00

Things went well on the interview today. I will have to take a drug test *snort* and then I will have my orientation on the 14th. My first official day will be on the 26th. I surely hope there will be some training between the 14th and the 26th. I am supposed to get 20 hours of that. All paid. *whoot!* It's not much, four hours a week minimum. After that I will have to be as flexible as possible to fill in for sick days, training or vacations. She hinted she might take a week this summer. She will retire in four years and so...who knows? I plan on going on for a masters in school so I might still be doing that in four years. So, riding high on getting the job something has to wrong right? Just to even the karma. My car in town won't start. I have no idea why. I hope it isn't electrical. There was some charge because the radio turned on. I didn't call for help and just came home. I will bring my jumper in town and try that. If that doesn't work I guess I will have to have it towed. I think I will get AAA this week. The island car wouldn't start either. I thought it was just because I was out of gas. I got it filled today (I had some brought to the house) then tried it. No go. I jumped it. Worked fine. Turned it off to make sure it would start. Nothing. So I will have to jump it every time I start it. This happened to the last car I had. I will call around and see if anyone has a overnight charger. That might be the problem. The battery it rather new. So darn annoying.

I was able yet again to pay for the parking by the skin of my teeth. I got a call in to a friend to double check our taxes (she pays me for babysitting and we always check our records with each other) so I should be able to get that done soon. I am hoping a miracle will happen and Sean will pay the rest of the money he owes this month. I do know I will be getting some child support on the third. I will feel better when I can pay off some bills. The job is a great thing. I also got someone on the loggers so I can get that money. They are officially gone and they let without paying me. I am glad I didn't go and clean last weekend. Always make the people pay first! :)

sigh

2011-02-28T17:29:00.002-05:00

So, my interview is tomorrow. I am not too worried other than figuring out how to get there. I won't be alone though. I started having congestion again. I wonder if stress is making me sick?

I got a check today from Sean. I am not sure if I should be happy or irritated. I am glad for the money since I really need it. It was only for $355 and I have the distinct feeling he is going to bail on laying the rest. I really could use the $1500 right about now. I haven't heard anything from DHHS about them getting him to pay the back child support. I darn well know he has his tax return back. I wouldn't be surprised if he had the money deposited into his wife's bank account so DHHS couldn't attach it. He is a clever puppy after all.

I got my math book for my next classes in the mail today. I feel a little better after looking at it. I was worried it would be beyond me but it's pretty easy stuff. I great refresher course.

I just wish I wasn't so tired.

Date

2011-02-25T11:00:00.002-05:00

I have my interview set for next week. I have nothing to wear of course but I still have a sweater set I borrowed from someone I used for court. I guess I will wear that. I was told this will just be a 15 minute thing. I also won't be alone so it should be ok. I have no idea how to get there and neither does the postmaster....it's funny.

It's snowing today. A winter storm warning. I was going to bring Sofie to town today but I am thinking I will probably just stay home. Will is having three friends over tonight. I am glad I have until 4pm to clean. I pretty much didn't do anything yesterday as far as cleaning goes because I was babysitting. Time to pay.

2011-02-24T09:21:00.002-05:00

Working today. School is done until March. Been so high strung I am feeling the whoosh of relaxation. It's a busy house today. Besides babysitting, Will has a friend over so there are six kids in the house now. Still, it's rather quiet for some reason. I am sure I will regret saying that soon enough. I was able to get some food shopping done on Tuesday. I had planned on running in and quickly coming back but I was invited to lunch and I thought, why not? So, I went and it was nice. I got caught up on some island gossip and met up with a friend who had moved off for the winter. I was still able to do my shopping so we aren't down to dry milk and lemonade to drink.

The scuttle butt is that the loggers will be done and gone by the end of the week so this weekend might be the final time I clean. Nothing is for sure yet. I am owed money which I really need. I am glad to be picking up some babysitting hours. I will also be spending some time at the library getting it ready to open over the next few weeks. I still have to think of a display for this year....my creativity level right now is on empty.

Prospects

2011-02-22T20:21:00.002-05:00

So, I will be having my interview for the post office job either next week or the week after. The date is being set up. I am a little shocked but things are looking good. I am rather nervous. I will be going into town with the postmaster here since she has to be in the interview as well. If all goes well I would be training soon and starting around the beginning of May.

Other good news, the newest island baby was born! A boy named Edward. A first baby for the family and with only 3 hours of labor! Early too. She is a very lucky mom.

Work

2011-02-21T08:53:00.002-05:00

So, I am down to the wire again with the bills. Love that feeling. I was able to work yesterday and I am even babysitting today. I know I have some money coming and that is reassuring. I haven't done my taxes yet. I have an appointment coming up. I have to deal with the whole student loan thing which is new to me. I highly doubt that "the check is in the mail" bit I got from Sean. Even then he said it was only part of what he owed from court. On top of that I haven't heard anything about what DHHS is doing to get at his assets. I am sure they are wondering how he can buy a new house and still be behind in his support payments. I know I do. He was never able to buy a home for our family in 20 years. I guess going from home to home is his new thing like he used to do with shoes. Try it on then sell it and get a new pair. You can not tell me that his bipolar isn't a factor in all that. Anyway, nothing new to say, just stressed. Finals for school is going on. I didn't do anything last week so I am crunching now. Being sick is such a waste.

Churning

2011-02-20T16:20:00.003-05:00

Not too much to say. I was sick last week. High fever and the whole shebang. Sofie was ill too so we didn't do much. I really don't remember a whole lot of last week. We slept a lot. I have to do some shopping in a big way. We are out of all the essentials. I am pretty much out of money. I am owed some for cleaning but the guy that pays me is off island. Sean said he had a check for me of "some of the medical bills he is supposed to pay." He wanted to know if I would be bringing the kids in this weekend and that he would give me the check on Friday. I was still feeling exhausted and the phone message rubbed me the wrong way. He was using money as bait for me to contact him. I really hate that. The kids are with me for vacation so there was no reason for him to ask about the kids. He was bugging me the week before as well asking if I was going to bring the kids in when it was my weekend. He just assumed that since he canceled his visit the weekend before I would "trade" with him. I just didn't respond and left it at that. I am following the rules to the letter and it isn't sitting well with him. He said he even drove down to "meet us." Well, that's his problem. It isn't that I am trying to be mean. I am just tired of all the games. I was just thrilled how one of his emails to me was sent on Valentines Day and was quite nasty. Maybe he is having trouble with the fact that day was our anniversary so he needed to be a jerk to reaffirm his new life. I dunno. Anyway, I was feeling down all week and I am sure my being sick didn't help. At least being stuffed up gave me a reason not to cry.

Pressure

2011-02-12T09:18:00.004-05:00

I have Connor's cough now. Wonderful. I hope it's just a fluke. I had a horrible migraine yesterday afternoon. It has been so long since I have had one I had almost forgotten how much they wipe you out even after the pain is gone. I am still feeling it's wrath. *sigh*

Anyway, I have finally heard back from Connor's teachers. There are only three I need to work with. The one who I was told might be the hardest to work with has been the most helpful. Still, he has yet to send Connor any work yet. We did set up how it was to be done though which is progress. His English teacher (and crew leader who Connor doesn't trust due to his connections with Kathryn) got back me only yesterday (2 weeks late) and then said he still didn't know what I was looking for. I am glad the school counselor got him to email at least. The last teacher is one neither of the boys care for and I never really knew why other than she was "mean". Don't most kids think that? Well, I know she is at least condescending. I can easily see why they think she's mean. She didn't tell me what I needed to know but instead told me it was impossible for him to do ( for various reasons, lack of equipment etc.). I thanked her for her perspectives and told her what I needed was the lab assignments and the expectations on what he was supposed to learn from them and that access to equipments and things of that nature are my responsibility. No word from her since my response. I have been cc'ing everything to the counselor and the principal so I know the teacher won't be able to stall anymore. Some teachers are like that with homeschooling. It doesn't make me mad, it's just annoying and time consuming. I really don't need her input at all. I could do this myself but I am trying to work with the school in cooperation. I just don't need the grief.

I had thought that Sean latest interest in harping on me and the kids was set off by money concerns. I still think this is the case. The time set for him to pay what he owes from court is coming up soon. I also know since they are moving that is also a huge life stress and a real trigger for his bipolar. The final straw I am sure is something I got in the mail yesterday. DHHS sent me a letter letting me know they were going for a lien on his personal property, real estate and bank accounts. Understanding the causes to the triggers helps intellectually but it doesn't really make dealing with it emotionally any easier. Besides there is a little corner of my heart that is rather happy someone is holding him accountable.

Here come another wave

2011-02-10T12:32:00.002-05:00

I got an angry email from Sean today. I am not very upset about it but I need to take some time to think of how to respond or even if I should. It is in two parts, the first part was about visits. Last week he didn't take the kids due to illness so he emailed me about switching weekends so he could have them this upcoming weekend instead. I didn't respond because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I wasn't just ignoring the email (sent on Monday). In the past I would have obliged and have felt bad for him. I would think about, "what if I needed a change?," if I do this then he would for me. I never really thought to much of it if was good for the kids because really, it isn't. I used to think any time was better than no time for them to have with their dad. Waaaaayyy, back to even before I was divorced my therapist had told me how much he was an advocate for kids and parents to be together but there are some times, in some instances where it may not be in the best interest. I knew that of course but didn't think it applied to Sean. Sean himself said if he spent more time with them then they would be fine and not be as angry. As it has turned out things have gotten so much worse. Cade and Sofie who have spent the most time hate being there and ask frequently to stay home. Cade doesn't wish to go at all and thinks about being with his dad in other settings like the way he would visit an aunt or uncle. Meet at the mall or grab some lunch. That's about it. There is another mom who lives here who has to see her kid on certain weekends like Sean. (Long story) She was sick on the last visit and wasn't able to get him but he didn't come up the next weekend or anything. She missed it and that is that. No harm no foul, life happens. I have never been able to say to Sean, "Gee, I'm sorry you were sick and it's too bad you didn't see the kids. They understand, I hope you feel better and we will be there to meet you on your next pick up time." That is what I should say. I know it. I shouldn't try and bend over backwards all the time to accommodate him. I know it is something I need to work on. I feel like I should make an excuse like I have company or something. So, I had finally decided to bite the bullet and keep my weekend when he sent the email. I wouldn't have waited any longer than today to make sure he knew well in advance. He may not do that for me I certainly would do that for him. Not because it's him but because it's good manners. He said something to the effect of how he was "still waiting". Like I made him wait a life time. I had emailed him weeks ago about arranging the holiday visits and he never said boo to me. I didn't get upset about it. I just am a bit grumbly about the double standard.

Second, he finally mentioned Connor to me. He was very upset. I got the feeling he was more upset with Connor than me but I also knew he was blaming me for "Connor's behavior". To summarize it was about Connor's grades and attendance. How "abysmal" and how "at this rate" blah blah Connor is horrible etc. . Then finally, he asked me what was going on. This is the first thing he has said to me about Connor in months. Even when Connor moved back here Sean never spoke to me about it. The last time we even spoke about Connor was in October in the waiting room of Connor's counselor's office where Sean accused me of wanting to further my own agenda and I should just leave. I admit my own flaws of not talking to Sean about Connor since his return. I knew Sean was very angry with Connor and me and it wasn't going to be a constructive conversation. Then when Connor got real bad emotionally I knew this day was going to come. I just wanted Connor to see the pdoc first before I sat down with him. I wanted to have in hand all the evidence I could otherwise Sean would go ballistic. Also, school is more important to Sean than Connor mental state which is just backward to me. Get him stable then school will follow. Even Connor doctor told him not to worry about that yet and focus on getting well first. How to explain all this to Sean? I would like to be able to meet with him face to face about this but I already know to not meet him alone or even to meet in a public place because he will either verbally abuse me or if given the chance and if angry enough he would try and hurt me. This topic, lots of anger there. I think it's more about him and his own mental health issues he doesn't want to deal with than Connor's. Anyway, this sudden interest in Connor again is just Sean doing his high and low thing he does. It's all a part of his mood swings and right now he is in high dudgeon. Lucky me. How to respond? Thoughts?

Stamps

2011-02-09T11:59:00.002-05:00

I figured I would add the link to my little links sidebar over there about buying stamps. Island post offices are always in danger of being shut down (like schools) due to small revenue. If businesses or people order their stamps from an island post office it helps them out. So, the link has a pdf that can be printed out so anyone can buy their stamps. It's a bit old so I am not sure if the stamp prices are correct but a quick call the the post master of your choice will be happy to make sure everything is done correctly. When a school, post office or store closes it's just one step further to ending the community as a whole and leaving it a summer play ground. *boo* *hiss* We all need stamps right?

FEMA Loggers on my road

2011-02-09T10:12:00.004-05:00

I am the only person/family to live down on this end of the island in the winter. The fire road video is on the other end on the same side. Now, no one lives down there in the winter and the loggers worked down there first and I think forgot what it means to have to deal with other people. I have had to speak to the foreman (who I work for cleaning the houses they rent) that I need to them not to be blocking the road around 8am and 11am on weekdays because I take Sofie to school. I drive her because it is a bit of a walk for her especially when it is freezing out. We used to walk every morning until around the end of October. Things were good for about a week then they started blocking me again. Most of the time they would move pretty quickly and I am pretty patient knowing they have a job to do. There were a few sketchy times when the big tractor trailer truck came by me a little too close for my comfort. It is a very narrow road. I don't have a huge truck like they do that can drive in ditches if needed. In fact all the crap they have left on the road has been dragging under my car now and I can't get it out. *sigh* Anyway, yesterday I couldn't get Sofie to school at all. They were loading huge logs into a huge tractor trailer truck. I waited nearly 15 minutes and turned my engine off to not waste gas. I am nearly out. Finally I gave up and I had to drive home. Backwards. There isn't room to turn around. Up a hill. A steep hill. In a car that has trouble going up hills in forward. I was not pleased. I called the school and since I had already spoken the foreman once I let others do the displeased vocalizations. About 10 minutes later a friend was able to break through the lines and picked her up. I was able to go get her without trouble at 11am but on the way back home the road was again blocked and to top it off Gary our road crew guy was in between us, with a plow, headed right for me. I again had to reverse it back to the square. A shorter and less harrowing trip but since I loathe driving in reverse since I suck at it, was again not pleased. My problem with reverse is that I get my left and rights all screwed up. I have had this problem all my life so I don't see it improving any. A brain malfunction. We all have problems. Today the road was cleared. More phone calls had been made on my behalf. Here is the thing. They forget that I still have to come home after I drop her off. I was coming home today and I was nearly at the top of that big hill and there was the tractor trailer truck that I swear is out for my life like something from a Steven King novel. I could see the panic in the drivers eye (we were that close even though I was driving at a snails pace because of my intrepid island car) and I knew he had trouble stopping. I had to reverse down the hill and I tried to get back up to sneak past him. The car didn't want to make the hill. Reverse some more and try again. Make the top and can see, no room. Crap. Reverse again nearly a quarter of a mile to a slight space to hug the side of the road while he barrels past. I get slightly stuck since I am really in a snow filled ditch covered in ice. Engine begins to smoke but I get out and make it home. I am beginning to think I would rather go without the cleaning money to get these guys away from me, along with the killer truck.

Logging

2011-02-09T09:48:00.003-05:00

Where you can see all the foot tracks is our fire road, not an "official" road but wide enough, if not properly maintained, for our fire truck and ambulance. This all used to be covered in trees. In the summer they would be hanging over the road for beautiful shade. You could only see the sky as the wind shifted the trees. Now it's a barren waste land. I need to find pics from before to show the comparison.

The highest point on the island. You were not able to see the ocean from here before. Shocking.

Irony? Tragedy?

2011-02-09T09:14:00.003-05:00

After I posted all those links yesterday about our school and all the improvements we have done for it, today I got a link in my email about the city thinking of closing our school. Our island school has been very proactive. Things like our computers, ipad, smart board, green house, even supplies like tissues and writing utensils have been provided by grants we have submitted for ourselves, donations and fundraising. Our school even won an award for using the lowest amount electricity in the state. Now before you say, "well, you are a tiny school so...", this was calculated out by previous usage and other math stuff to be fair for all schools. We have to supply our own drinking water after the well became contaminated and it is volunteers not the school budget that is paying to have it taken care of. Basically, our island pays the highest taxes for the city due to all the waterfront or water view homes and we get pretty much zip in return. We are lucky to get the salaries for employees here. One teacher, one Ed Tech, one custodian and one sanitation/road works person. It costs $120,000 to have our school. We pay over $350,000 in taxes. Most of the school costs are the teachers salaries and the custodian. We pay for our own building maintenance except the cleaning. We don't add to food costs since we have no school lunch program, the city pays for the building insurance. The PTC paid for our heating, siding, playground (with a grant) and replacement windows. We should be getting more not less. The whole island gets less than the rest of the city. We have talked of leaving the city before but with only about 60 of us here year round it would be tough. I would like to though to see the city lose a huge chunk of taxes then see how they like it. We still have dirt roads here (which we like) and yet have to every year get more and more regulated by the city. They want us to have street signs now and we recently had to start paying for registrations for our golf carts (more money to the city). No wonder the city runs out of money. Anyway, I am just ranting. If they try and close the school we may just go private. We have talked about it before as a backup plan to the city closing the school. We will be having four kids coming into the school over the next few years and there are five in there now. The school has gone down to one student before and that was really bad, around 15 years ago. One of the other island schools our school communicates to only has two students and they are brothers. A constant struggle for a disappearing way of life. So sad. I understand the need to cut costs but we pay our way for our school and then some.

Press Herald Article

The article was wrong about the number of students. We have five officially enrolled (Sofie is one of them) with three younger students who are there every day preparing for preschool next year so we have eight there everyday.

How's the Weather?

2011-02-08T11:42:00.008-05:00

On the left I have added some links. All of the pictures above can be found in various places in the links. I added the Cliff school's web page, the island's web page which has some other links in it (check out lobster tales), link to the schools YouTube page with lots of their videos and projects and two weather links. One is a camera set to a view of our wharf which refreshes every 5 minutes or so so you can see what the weather is doing and if the boat is here...:), the other is a blog link to a site that connects some of the outer island schools study of the weather sponsored by the Island Institute. These schools also communicate to each other via the smart board for group activities like book group discussions. These groups also got together for the middle school retreat Cade went to a few weekends ago. Lot's of stuff to look through and revisit.

A little explanation of the above pics.

Pic 1 at the top - Taken the first year we moved here. Cade was still 2 almost three. Sofie wasn't even a glimmer. This was the largest class the school has had since we have been here. Back row: Judy (teacher), Lynn (5th grade, now 19, college student, has a job and boyfriend), Will M. (5th grade, the "other" Will; 18 and also in college. He had to take the rest of the semester off due to illness but will be back in the fall; currently on island and Connor's "bro"), Faith (Will's mom and Ed Tech at the time). Next row: Noah (5th grade, 18 and college student, his family moved off island due to due father's cancer, he passed several years ago, in contact with Connor via facebook), Chris (4th grade, Lynn's younger brother, high school senior), Will (4th grade), Jessica (3rd grade, now a junior, currently living off island in town but moving back this summer, has "the witch" for English and despises her), Bottom row: Andrew (2nd grade, Lynn, and Chris's younger brother, elder siblings to Aiden who I babysit, all the older siblings moved off island to live with their dad but Andrew is moving back good friend with Connor), Sam (kindergarten, now is 8th grade and goes to the same school as Cade), Dylan (kindergarten, also in 8th grade at the same school, younger brother to Jessica), Connor (2nd grade).

Pic 2 - Dylan (1st grade) and Will (5th grade) on a geography assignment. Cade uses that coat now.

Pic 3 - Olivia coming to school this year.

Pic 4 - Summer time on the other side of the island from our house. A nice place to relax.

Pic 5 - Our Post Office (cross fingers)

Pic 6 - Will holding a crab (5th grade)

Confirmed

2011-02-07T19:41:00.002-05:00

The girl from Cade's school passed away Friday evening. She did commit suicide by hanging. Her parents found her only seconds afterwords but the damage was too much and she only deteriorated until she finally passed. What a sad and terrible tragedy.

Good and the Bad...why is there always the bad?

2011-02-06T09:58:00.002-05:00

Has anybody checked the school web page lately? There are a lot of interesting video clips. I will post a link on the sidebar so I won't keep doing it here...:) The xmas party play is on there. It was so cute. Anyway, the above picture was taken before that last two huge snowstorms. You can only see the snowman's head now the rest of him is buried in snow. This winter has been interesting. I am not complaining at all. It reminds me of winters when I was a kid. Lot's of snow and lots of days below zero for good ice to harden on the lakes. It had been warmer and not as much fun in recent years. I figure if it's going to be cold and bothersome then there better be something to show for it like good ice for skating and enough snow for playing in. In the above pic, left to right from the back: Olivia; Mr. Snowman; Pop Pop (the school teachers dad, all the kids have adopted him as another grandpa); Second row: Elwen; Julian; Aiden; Bottom: Eliza; Kai; Sofie.

The bad, last Wednesday a girl at Cade's school (8th grade) was rushed to the hospital and is now in critical care. She did herself significant harm. Afterwords, (another reason why I despise facebook) some kids at the school got on her page and started leaving nasty comments about what she had done. I don't know why she did what she did, rumors of some bullying have been circulating. Certainly what's going on now supports that. Cade was rather upset. Shocked would be the better word. He had tears in his eyes telling me about it. Another girl who lives here on the island was in the same class and was also stunned. The other mom and I talked about it Friday and what we could do as far as talking things out with our kids. Cade of course had thought back on what he went through seeing his dad try and hang himself. At this point no one knows what the girl at school did but her intent was serious. She is on life support. There was some frank talk about the whole subject. The whole thing is just so sad. To top it off, this morning Cade said he heard that her parents took her off life support this morning and that she passed away. I hope it's just a rumor.

Tired

2011-02-04T20:12:00.004-05:00

I have realized that when I am tired and have a headache I can get nasty. Not outwardly but in my thoughts. If I have one or the other I am ok but combined it's a nasty mix.

I had to bring the kids to town for a visit with Sean. I didn't sleep much last night because Sofie was having growing pains and we were all out of pain reliever so all I could do was have heat on her knees. Cade used the last of the kids medicine last week. He fell on the ice and smacked his head pretty hard. He was fine at first but he developed a headache and I had to keep him home a day from school to rest for a slight concussion. Will also stayed home that day because he also slipped on the hill and rolled to the bottom twisting his already bad knee. Both are fine now. So, I left with Sofie on the noon boat figuring if I had to go in anyway I might as well get a few groceries. Still, I wouldn't have gone and waited until Monday (because Connor has a session) to shop but Cade had to stay after school to make up a quiz he missed that day he was out. He could of taken the late bus but I figured I could pick him up since I was going to be in town anyway. However, if Sean had called or emailed or something this morning I would have just stayed home and had let Cade take the bus to the bay lines and come home. I am sure by now you can guess Sean was not waiting to pick up the kids this afternoon. We waited until the last minute but nothing. I called home and asked Connor if his dad had called. No. I got home and checked my email. Nothing. Then around 7:30 he calls. I also had to deal with Sofie throwing a tantrum about not wanting to go "over there" which brought on the first feelings of my now increasing headache. He asked me if I had gotten his message. I said no. I took the noon boat into town. He said he had called (no messages btw) and that he had no way to get a hold of me. I reminded him I don't have a cell phone. Then he said he didn't have Cade's cell number either. So? Cade would have had it anyway not me. I didn't point that out but who needs logic anyway? He asked to speak with Cade and when he was done they hung up. No explanations for me at all. I was really pissed. Still, I didn't ask Cade anything. That would be bad and bringing him in the middle of us "not communicating". I was going to ask what happened but he hung up before I could. Since I am a fool and like throwing things like the benefit of doubt around like candy I figured something important must have come up. For a few seconds I even thought maybe someone had to go to the hospital or something, maybe the car died? Will wondered if his dad had had an accident. Connor said even he did he wouldn't care. Will said he wouldn't either but maybe that was the reason. I was too tired and my head was pounding too hard to comment at all at their cruel and bitter words. To not care if their dad was to die in a car wreak? Are things so very bad? Cade then said his dad told him he was sick and so was everyone over there. All of them were throwing up non stop all day, even the baby. So, Sean made a good call to not have the kids come over. I felt bad. Until Cade told me they have been sick since the day before yesterday. He knew they were all sick so he should have just have let me know yesterday. It's all stupid to even bother over or get mad about. I realize that. Still, as I said, headache and tired don't care about that. I wasn't able to do any school work today and I really needed to. I am mad at the waste of my time. I am mad Sofie had to get so upset. I just need to go to bed. Things will be better tomorrow.

Too Much....

2011-02-03T10:15:00.003-05:00

Things have been whirling around at quite a pace recently. I have been remiss in a few things and so have gotten behind. I am really struggling to keep up with my school work. My mind is so full I am having trouble focusing on the material. I am getting it done but if I am retaining it is a different question.

Monday was a big day. Connor and I met with his school counselor and principal to come up with a plan. To make a long story short I am going to home school him for the short term, for the rest of this trimester for sure. The goal is to get all his grades to passing from the first trimester, leaving the second to summer school and hopefully getting him back in school for the third. This in between time is hoping he will be adjusting to meds and therapy with the goal of getting him through this rough patch. After that visit we went on to his therapy session. He was quickly referred to a pdoc in their group who could take him sooner rather than later. That was supposed to be Wednesday. We had a blizzard that day so it was rescheduled for the 16th. I was really angry that it has to be so far out. That date of the 2nd was perfect. Too bad life isn't perfect and I spent most of yesterday shoveling instead. Anyway, on Tuesday I did all the paper work for the state and school for homeschooling. Thankfully I have done it before so I wasn't clueless. Then I emailed all his teachers asking them to fully inform me of what he had been doing and what he needed "exactly" to get his credits for that first trimester so we could move forward. As of today no one has responded. I am going to call later today the school counselor and let her know of the lack of response and ask for her email as well. She really is my go to person at the school at this point. I used to have a great contact with his crew leader last year but now his crew leader is a person neither Connor or I trust. We talked about this with the principal on Monday and he agreed that if Connor comes back for the third trimester that he can get a new crew leader. Sadly, this crew leader is his English teacher so we have no choice but to work with him. Connor just can't at all so it's all me. Speaking of English, Connor told me that during that first trimester he had to write journal entries and be involved in class discussion for a book. That all sounded fine. He didn't have a problem with that. Kathryn felt which of course then Sean felt Connor should instead of writing the journal entries write a 26 page essay instead to "get a better grade" and wouldn't let Connor do anything else. Now this school has a pass fail system. No A,B,C,D,F thing. 1 and 2 is fail, 3 and 4 is pass. Connor would have gotten a 3 just doing as he was told by his teacher. All that extra work maybe could have gotten him a 4 except he didn't do what was actually assigned. He got a 3 for his effort which was nice but the whole thing burned Connor. Now he thinks no matter how much effort he puts in the best he can do is a 3. He thinks he should be in a school where he can get "C's" which is all he is capable of. I am well aware this is the depression talking because he has always been able to get B's or higher with little effort. Telling him this however is fruitless right now. He isn't in a place to "get it". I hope we can get really started by tomorrow.

I went to the post office yesterday to drop of some bills (ouch), while I was there Anna (our postmaster) told me there was an opening for fill in postmaster for her and did I want to apply? Duh. I had to do everything online at home. I have no idea if anyone else is going to apply (I hope not) but I did and if I get it then I will working every Saturday from 8am until 1pm and any days Anna has off for vacation or for conferences. No benefits sadly but it would put me in the running to be the postmaster when she retires. That would be nice. Too many what if's right now. I am not even crossing my fingers. The thing that is in my favor is that I live here.

There is of course lots of "other stuff" going on. So much I am tired just thinking about it. Right now, I am going to make myself a pot pie and snuggle with Sofie while she watches a movie and I do my school reading. Multitasking is my new middle name.

Progess

2011-01-29T10:38:00.002-05:00

I am a dunderhead. I seem to have a little luck on my side though that helps to combat my airhead moves from time to time thank goodness. Well, we went into town yesterday for Connor's appointment. I also had to do some shopping for the school and hit the bank. I finally got paid from the loggers which was a relief. We get into town and I realize I had forgotten my car keys. *scream* Connor's appointment was within walking distance so that was a load off. As is the bank and the pharmacy. I had a friend bringing Sofie in on the noon boat so she could go to school and I called her to grab my keys as well. Thank goodness (again) I had her number. Still, we had to kill some time and so we went to breakfast and talked a real long time. It was nice so grab the silver lining.

Connor's visit went well. I think our long talk helped him be really open. I didn't go into the visit to give him privacy but I was brought in at the end and his doctor agrees that medication "would be in his best interest". So, she called his counselor and left a message for him and is going to expedite a visit with the pdoc for next week because she felt he should be the one prescribing due to the close monitoring Connor will need. She told us school was important but for right now not to worry about it and get the meds first and see how they work for him. Connor felt a huge relief. "Someone is listening to me." She told him what a great person he was and mature to acknowledge and ask for help. She wrote a note for the school for us to bring on Monday with her number if they have any questions. A lot of stuff is confidential of course so permission forms will have to be signed and stuff so everyone is in the same loop. Hassle, yes. Progress...definitely.

Got my keys and Sofie around 1pm. She was so cute screaming for me and running and weaving past everyone getting off the boat. She got quite a few chuckles. I did what I had to do for the afternoon and then we walked back to the last boat of the day. Cade was saying if his dad wasn't there by a certain time he was getting on the boat period. I didn't even respond. Connor waited outside. He wanted nothing to do with his dad. Who didn't call or send a card for Connor's birthday much less a present. Connor said he didn't expect one but you can see it bothered him. Sofie was again dead set she wasn't going. Sean showed up just before Cade's "deadline" but she wanted nothing to do with him. She screamed for me and he gave her to me to calm her down some. I stood her on the bench and fixed her clothes and told her I would see her on Sunday and that I loved her. Sean picked her up and she cried and screamed again. He asked her why she didn't want to go and she said because she wanted to be with her mommy. Sean told her she would "be with your mommy" in two days. She just cried and cried. Loudly. Everyone was staring and I felt horrible for her. Cade kept quiet but gave me a look. Then they left and Sean was not looking very happy. I emailed him Thursday about this weekend and asking about upcoming vacations but I haven't had any response at all. Just as well I guess.

On the way home Connor was good and talking with other people instead of curled up by himself as usual. It was noticed how improved his mood was. He was very helpful with the groceries as well. I pretty much took to Tylenol and went to bed. I still feel exhausted. I wonder how much of it is emotional?

Will is gone until Sunday. He is staying with friends this weekend. He has some friends in the school play, Little Shop of Horrors, and is seeing them both Friday and Saturday night.

I am taking the day today to rest up and do homework. I am feeling a little pressure on that front this week so that will make me feel better. I will do my cleaning work tomorrow.

I am not looking forward to going to town on Monday since it is supposed to be below zero with windchills......again....*sigh*

Read it to believe it

2011-01-26T12:31:00.002-05:00

TurDunkin'

When it snows it's a blizzard

2011-01-26T09:07:00.003-05:00

As if Connor missing, well not missing but having a forced rescheduling, of his appointment on Friday wasn't bad enough he missed his therapy session on Monday. As anyone who reads this who has a loved one with depression or bipolar knows there are good days and bad days. Connor had a good day on Friday despite missing the appointment during a freaking snow storm. I won't blather on since I wrote about that already but I had high hopes. Come Sunday the bad moods began to trickle in like a snow flurry. Sunday night he asked if he could go to a friends house here on the island and I agreed because he usually perks up from a visit but reminded him to be on the morning boat. He has never missed one coming from there before. Until Monday. I had that feeling of wanting to throttle him. You know what I mean. It was 10 below zero. I had to bring Sofie because I didn't have a sitter. The car had to be jumped. I didn't realize Connor had missed the boat until we pulled away from the dock. I had to take Will to the campus bookstore to get his book for his college class so I grabbed on to that silver lining so I didn't feel like I was wasting my whole day. The car in town was still cold even with the heater running, just not freezing. The book store was closed even though the sign said it was supposed to be open and their website said they were supposed to be open. Will and I were both miffed. I took Will to school and we were very late because of a train accident. We were in traffic for over and hour when it usually takes 15 minutes. Thankfully Sofie didn't have to pee. Silver lining (mantra, mantra). Then I decided to skip going to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for Sofie since she wasn't completely out yet and Cade's school to hunt for his coat to try and make the 10am boat. We made it but the traffic was bad going back too. I had swallowed my panic and took a route I was unfamiliar with hoping to save time. It worked but I hate not knowing where I am exactly. I figured if I got lost and missed the boat it wouldn't matter because I would miss it if I went back the way I originally came. We had to run though and amazingly Sofie and I didn't slip. She was fabulous all day. (mantra, mantra) We got back to the island and I am running thoughts in my head of what to say to Connor without getting angry. It is hard to remember sometimes that sometimes he can't help it. Lower those expectations. Anyway, I had to jump the car again to get home. Loggers on my road nearly ran me down. Then my brakes decided to take a holiday just before my driveway. I didn't panic knowing I could turn into the driveway and be fine. Of course it was trash day and the cans were thrown into the driveway. I had a choice, run them over and have to buy new cans or get half in half out and hit a snowbank. I went for the snowbank. I really tried not killing Connor when I found out he was home and walked right past the cans and recycling bin without taking care of them which landed me in that snowbank. I got Sofie inside then went back out to try and get out of it. Connor came out to help (not willingly) but was giving up before he even started. I asked him to shovel out one wheel while I put down some sand on the others and he said, "There's too much snow." Arrrggghhh! I told him to try anyway and that sometimes we have to do stuff we don't want to. He did, banged his hand and freaked out throwing the shovel. I made him get it after he stopped failing around in pain and sent him inside to check on it and warm up. It was below zero all day, windchill close to 30 below. So, I shoveled and dug and had to jump the car, again. Then I ran out of gas. Wonderful. I went inside and called for help. Oh, and the loggers came by about 6 times and never offered to help out once. Insert nasty swearing names for them "here". Several hours later our own island Handy Manny (Bobby) came by with gas. He was going to bring his tractor down to pull me out but it would start either in the cold weather but he had a hitch on his car so we tried that since I wasn't in the bank far. Just enough to be a pain. Then the key wouldn't turn in my car. (scream) After a few tries I got it. Had to jump it again, then I got out of the bank. I only needed a little nudge. I think that made it all the more frustrating for me knowing that. I never got a chance to talk Connor on Monday because it was a really bad day and I knew.....knew....any conversation would be a waste of time. He slept nearly all day. On Tuesday he was somewhat better and we talked. He is back on an upward swing. It seems like when the bad days come it is like a switch. Good days seem to come back gradually and stick around for a while. He has his rescheduled appointment for this Friday and another therapy session scheduled. I told him he wasn't allowed to go his friends house on days before appointments. He agreed. If I had said this on Monday he would have gotten nasty and bitter. As I said, it would have been a waste. Stable, unstable. See the difference? Anywho, his birthday is tomorrow. I hope his grandparents send a card. I am sure they will eventually...:) He wants cash of course. Will asked him last night if he wanted his present now or on Thursday. Connor said now of course so Will handed him $60 in cash. I was a bit shocked and Will's generosity. Will is kind of scrooge like with his money. Connor was so stunned it took him a minute to even say anything much less say thank you, which he did once his ability to speak was restored. Will was smug.

My plans for the day: laundry, dishes, shower, PTC meeting, homework, homework, homework. I made a big pot of bean soup yesterday. No cooking today.

Gnomes and Fraud

2011-01-22T08:54:00.004-05:00

We had another storm yesterday. School was cancelled for the boys. Sofie still had school and Cade went with her as he usually does on snow days. He read to the preschoolers and did all the states and capitals for them showing off some of the things he is learning in his school. Well, he already knew them so it's an easy A for him this semester. Speaking of which he is really motivated for some reason about school lately. Not that I am complaining in any way. Just curious. He is honor roll right now but by the time grades close he plans on having high honors. He would have them already but he is still making up work from when he was out with bronchitis.

Anyway, despite the snow Connor and I trudged out for his appointment. It wasn't until 10:30 and I am kicking myself for not calling after we got into town. I couldn't call at 6am to see if there was any cancellations. We went to the store and got a few things first. It wasn't the best driving but not too bad. The first boat to go back is at 10am. It turned out they had rescheduled his appointment for next Friday. I was so frustrated. Connor had asked to not go the night before and I was worried he was backing out. On the ride in however he said he was feeling like he really needed meds. Talk about back and forth thinking. He said either meds aka "happy pills" or a small gnome he could carry with him everywhere that would cheer him on. "Your doing a great job Connor!" "That was awesome!" I gave him a funny look. "A gnome?" He laughed and said he could carry it in his pocket, like the travelocity gnome. I gave him a serious look and asked him if this gnome was talking to him. He looked surprised then I laughed. He saw I was kidding and laughed back and I told him a gnome might be nice but he would have for feed it and what about his bathroom issues? So, I was kind of bitter to have him in the mood to be there and be open to talk and have it canceled. Not to mention we went into town for nothing. It was a nasty day as it was. Since we missed the 10am ferry we now had to wait for the 2:45pm. What to do. I was not going to be driving anywhere in that weather. I stopped off to get a prescription for Sofie and that wasn't going to be ready until Monday because they had to order it. Nice. Things were just rolling along. We parked and walked (in the windy snow drifts) to a building that had a record store, comic shop, video place and a pizza place in it. They also had a smoothie place but they closed and workers were in there renovating it. We browsed around in the record place a while. Connor wanted some more pics for his guitar. I found a movie for the kids for $3 we could watch for a movie night. Then we grabbed a small pizza to share for lunch. Dirt fell on my head from the ceiling while we ate. The renovation seemed to be going smoothly. Great. Then we window shopped the comic store. It was fun actually and we hung out in the pizza place a long time talking. I filled him in on some island scandals he didn't know about. I thought he did so that was interesting. I had stopped at the bank earlier to take out some money for parking and lunch. I can't use my ATM card because the bank froze it and is sending me a new card and PIN. Apparently some company had notified the bank a bunch of cards that had been on a hit list at some card processing place to use for fraud. My card was one of them. I checked my records for December like they wanted me too and thankfully nothing was touched but I have to wait until February for my new card. It's a bit of a hassle. We came home and I hoped and prayed Will and Cade shoveled the driveway like I had told them too. Well, the porch and a small path, from the porch to the driveway had a nice path, as for the driveway...they were shoveling when we got there. It was 4pm! They had waited until the last minute. I was not pleased. Also, it is too small. Cade and Connor have to go out again today to widen it. I get stuck every time I come or go. I got stuck coming home then twice more taking Cade and Sofie to movie night at school last night. I helped shovel just to get the car off the road yesterday afternoon. Connor had a shoveling job to go to so he had to take our shovel and leave so by the time he got back it was dark and the driveway was a lost cause until sometime today. Overall a day to test my patience. I didn't scream or kill anyone so I think I did a good job. I can only hope Connor will still be in a good mood like yesterday for next Friday. He sees his counselor on Monday. I am crossing my fingers.

Brain Stuffed

2011-01-19T13:10:00.002-05:00

The school social worker finally called me back today. I told her about my conversation with Connor and she agreed with me about the red flags and hitting a lot of the markers for depression. We have our appointment with the principal for the last Monday of this month. We are also going to meet with her this Friday after his appointment with the doctor. I am hoping we can get his work and bring it home and go over it together so I can evaluate where he is at. You should have seen his blank look when I asked him subject by subject what he was doing so far. He drew a huge blinking "huh" look. He has no clue. The only thing he could remember was his Wellness class and one book in English. Not good. Anyway, for me that is number two on the list of worries. Well, three. One is getting Connor on track mentally. Two, how to deal with this concerning Sean. I haven't spoken to Sean about any of this yet. I am sure he has checked Connor's school attendance. Well, since he is mad at Connor maybe not. Let's say he has, I have no idea what might be going though his mind about all this. He had NO clue how bad Connor was in October. As it stands I have Sean's consent for Connor to see his family doctor, his counselor and the pdoc connected to his case on referral. I am sticking with that. I want to get him evaluated and have all that in hand before I fill Sean in on everything. I don't dare risk him interfering and blocking medical treatment like he did last time. If it comes down to meds then that will be something new so that will need to be talked over. I am not doing anything I haven't really done before so far so I am crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. Today Connor seems happy. He is again in his coping thing with his guitar. He has learned a few songs and it is giving him a boost of accomplishment. He is taking some vitamin D now as well. I hope that helps him some. Another thing to discuss with the doctor.

More Snow Pics

2011-01-18T13:01:00.003-05:00

After that Fact

2011-01-18T11:21:00.002-05:00

I really despise finding out about things after the fact. Sean did that to me constantly until I got angry. Then he would be angry with me saying how all this happened a while ago so what am I getting upset for? I dunno, finding out about things everyone assumes I know about, in front of them, because I am your wife and should know these things. Trying to smile through the humiliation to seethe quietly until I could get him alone to say, "What the hell? How come I didn't know about this then?" Even if the incident was years ago it is never nice to find out you have been lied to either to your face or by omission. This weekend I had company. Company who has known Sean as long as me. I had been talking about Sean taking Will's money and how this wasn't new and that he had done this to me in the past but it hadn't occurred to me until much later because I had forgotten about it until the whole thing with Will came up. Sean believing he knew what was best on how to spend money that did not belong to him. I had thought he had spent my car insurance money all those years ago for food. Would have been nice to have known that before he wreaked my car. It didn't make any sense to me since we had food to begin with. It wasn't prime rib but we ate. I found out on Saturday he hadn't bought food but a trailer hitch for the car. A hitch with the idea of moving back to Maine from New Mexico that he hadn't even told me about. What if I had said no? It was MY car not his. He didn't discuss with me at all about moving. Something from 19 years ago and I am just feeling fed up. I am so tired about finding out about how he has lied to me yet again. About stupid stuff no less. How can he be trusted with the big stuff then?

Sofie came home yesterday. She had an extra day with Sean because of the holiday. She wasn't pleased since thought she would be home on Sunday. She is very clingy and it seems transitions are going to be trouble for a while. One of my neighbors (a man) got off the same boat as her and came over to me before she had gotten off and apologized to me. He said he was sorry and it probably wasn't his place but he "Ripped that bastard up one side and down the other..." on the ferry ride in. Apparently Sean got on his laptop and proceeded to ignore Sofie the whole ride back. The guy told Sean he should be paying attention to his daughter and not some stupid machine. Since it was Monday and not Sunday the other moms who ride in weren't there. They are usually the ones who watch her and walk off with her since Sean stopped doing it. Yesterday he walked off with her, the first time in months since Cade wasn't there either. Sean then told me he had "forgotten" her snow pants. I knew he would do that and already had a spare. He also "forgot" her gloves. Two pair of them. This week I took her hat and gloves off when he picked her up and took them with me. He looked at me funny but I knew he had some for her there and that if I sent them it would be another pair and hat, gone. No worries next weekend. He bailed.

Other worries instead. Had a chat with Connor today. His anxiety is worse. He was open with me though and I am trying to focus on that. He told me he felt like his life just fell apart in October and he "had nothing to live for". Red Flag. I was just thrilled to find out this, now. This is even more serious than he has been letting on. Connor was supposed to be seeing his counselor which Sean agreed to in mediation but in the three months Connor was there only went once. Another time was when Sean walked out because I was there and never even brought Connor inside. I asked Connor if he talked to his dad about this (since he was living there at the time) and he said no. He said he knew his dad would listen to him since it was expected of him but that Connor felt his dad didn't care and didn't hear him. That his dad was too wrapped up in Kathryn and his own stuff to really bother with him. Kathryn meanwhile would butt in and tell him to "suck it up and deal with it". So very helpful. We talked of other things and in the end I was able to get him an appointment on Friday with his regular doctor. He trusts her and she will refer him to the pdoc with any recommendations for meds. I also called the school and left a message with the social worker there. I am waiting for a call back. He has his appointment with his counselor for next Monday. So, hopefully the ball will start moving. He isn't curled up in a ball in his room but he is withdrawing at a fast clip. Hanging on by his nails. Coming home he was able to get a lot of stress off his shoulders but created a new one with the falling out with his dad. He is still bitter about Kathryn as well. Sadly, his slide had already started when he got here and now we are struggling to find a way back. In order for him to get any education at all I may have to home school him so he can earn his credits. If I am lucky the school with work with me and he can just do his work at home while he gets some therapy. I hope we can make a good IEP that helps him.

A Plan begins to Form...

2011-01-17T09:00:00.003-05:00

I am making a call this week to our family doctor and then Connor's counselor and asking them to give me some paper work with Connor's diagnoses and explanation of his limitations. I will also talk with the family doctor about medication options. Then having all this in hand asking for an IEP from the school so he doesn't get in trouble for his missed days. IEP - Independent Education Plan. We can come up with a solution to make sure he gets all his credits. It is a step. The school will have to abide by what the doctors and counselors recommend without penalizing him. Maybe he will need some kind of meds for anxiety to keep going to school until he has some more therapy under his belt to build up his coping skills. Right now he is simply losing himself in his guitar. He practices all the time. He did the same thing when he was into the XBox so I know this is his coping mechanism right now. He is obsessed saying how he wants to have music as his career and how he doesn't need to go to college. I am not too worried about this yet since he is still young but he doesn't get that he needs to do well with his SAT's and maintain his grades on the off chance he "changes his mind" about college. I really think this is another of his mini obsessions. Of course this may be it and he will do something in the music field someday. He is quite good and has been able to just pick up the instrument and play it. I can't do that. I like that he is doing something creative other than watching tv or something like that because it keeps his mind active and isn't too far into withdrawal. Still, he is really going for isolation like the past two years. It started earlier than last year and I know it was because he was with his dad. The year before it started later and was shorter than the year before that. No hard and fast rules with this and all you can do is pay attention to what has worked and what hasn't. I have gotten zip for advice on how to handle the situation and this "plan" is all mine. I think the fact he is going to be in therapy once a week and under his full cooperation is a huge feat in itself. Those of you who know how hard it is to get a loved on to really commit to therapy will understand. Baby steps.

After the Snow aka Blizzard

2011-01-14T09:27:00.005-05:00

Snow

2011-01-11T14:43:00.002-05:00

There is supposed to be a big storm tomorrow. I am almost looking forward to it. No one is very sick. I have supplies. I have no where to be other than home. It might be nice. Except shoveling of course. The boys are hoping for a snow day. Sofie would still have to go to school. No snow days here. Cade would go to school here. All the middle school kids always go "back to island school" on snow days and "help out" the little kids. It is kind of amazing actually since they all just do it on their own and now it's like a tradition.

Sean finally got back to me. He is going to just stick to his two weekends but not in a row. I am thinking if he stays calm for a while we might be able to make a deal for every other weekend. Two weekends in a row stresses them out. I think it stresses "the mean witch" too...:) We'll see. Sofie is still adamant about not wanting to go. I had hoped Sean would call or something. In his email he said he would call last night but he didn't. He even said he hoped Sofie didn't have bronchitis. It wasn't like I made it up. I told him about her antibiotics and special inhaler. I am very glad I kept them home. I always waffle and feel bad but I know Cade and Sofie would have never been given their meds properly if I hadn't.

I was able to get my project done with little incident this week for my web class. I am getting a little better. I have a lot of reading to do tomorrow. I need to review. I was really happy it was so "easy" this time. The classes are harder than last semester. I hope I can focus better now that the holidays are over and I am starting to feel better.

I am working today. Babysitting. It has been few a far between to be able to do that this winter so far. M cleaning job has been once a week so money is very tight. I think, maybe someone out there knew I was going to have sick kids and be sick myself and be dealing with Connor's issue and took work off my stress list. Maybe this same someone helped to make the courts make Sean pay to help make up for that financial loss. I am thinking I am probably going to be breaking even in the long run and with my classes still moving forward. I am going to just be optimistic and say I wasn't given more than I could handle. Enough to be uncomfortable but not enough to break me....yet.

On the Mend...again

2011-01-10T08:47:00.002-05:00

All the kids are at school. Finally. Cade and Sofie still have a few days left of their antibiotics but sound so much better. Will and Connor too seem much better. I can breathe through my nose again so for me that's a thumbs up. I am only a little tired and stuffy. Now I have to clean my own house. I had a job yesterday cleaning and even though I really didn't want to go of course I did. I was huffing and puffing because I was so clogged up. Thankfully the job wasn't too bad. I just refused to question things like why a thawed bag of frozen peas was in the middle of the living room floor. Seven men in one house....let the filth begin.

I have had trouble being motivated for anything much less my school work. Thank goodness I have one class where the project is due next week. I have done my reading but here again I have today and tomorrow to get the other project done. I feel more confident though than I did last week. In the end it only took me an hour to do. I am hoping for the same result this time. I have class today and it has been working for me to have the class first before I do the projects. Maybe next semester I will have the classes in the beginning of the week and not the end so I don't fret so much.

I haven't heard back from Sean about court or about the kids. Not that I care but it is a bit strange he hasn't bothered to harass me. I think maybe I start getting jumpy he is planning something. His unpredictability ties me up in knots sometimes. I hate getting into a nice comfortable groove and then him upsetting my apple cart. I am trying to push all that on the back burner and focus on getting better and dealing with one stress at a time. I have no doubt I get sick from all the stress which forces me to slow down.

Things I am proud of recently...I fixed the lamp in the kids room. I had to switch out the broken pull chain. Simple enough but I had never done that before so I am happy. As soon as I got that done then they broke their closet door. There is no fixing that. I will need to get a new door. One step ahead...you know the rest.

It's over...for now...

2011-01-07T17:04:00.002-05:00

Late night I got a call from the lawyer telling me I had to show up for court today after all. There wasn't a problem really just that the judge wanted to rewrite the order herself, a procedural thing. So I had to go in on the 6am boat for a 11am court time that lasted literally two minutes. My lawyer had to call in because he was in another town and Sean of course wasn't there at all. It was really stupid. In the end though I am still getting what I asked for so that's good. I had to be in town anyway to pick up a prescription for Cade. Both Cade and Sofie have bronchitis. They are both on antibiotics and both have inhalers. It's crazy. Connor had a fever yesterday but that's past and he is simply congested. I woke up this morning with a clogged nose and a headache. I just had a cold last month for goodness sakes! I have felt miserable all day and it was freezing cold out. I just know I am going to feel worse before I feel better after being outside. I was grumpy and went to the used book store to compensate my foul mood. I got 9 new books for 5 dollars. I finished one already. Thankfully the kids survived the day without me being here. I called a ton of times to make sure they were doing what they should be doing. Connor was in charge and things went smoothly but I still worried. They were all in bed anyway but unless I remind them they never drink enough. I emailed Sean yesterday telling him I was keeping the kids this weekend. It was my weekend anyway but I had told him they could come visit because he bailed on them one weekend last month. I told him about their medicine and stuff. I know he wouldn't give them their medicine correctly. Every time I have sent them over with medicine it has come back unopened. So, it's best they just stay here until they have taken the full dose. I told him he could have the next three weekends but I haven't had a response from him yet. I am too sick and tired to really give a darn right now. I am off to a pb&j sandwich, some medicine and bed.

Worry

2011-01-04T10:03:00.002-05:00

Sofie (my icon today is of Sophie from Howl's Moving Castle and the tipping force in our choice of Sofie's name..we love Sophie) woke this morning her cough worse than ever. It had been getting better before she left on Christmas day and I felt she had reached a turning point. When she came back on Saturday her cough was worse than when she left but I thought if she had a few days rest and proper medicine, humidifier, fluids and food she would improve. She has had this cough for a month now. Last night she had horrible headaches and her cough was just not getting better. I called the doctor today and she has an appointment tomorrow. They are going to give her a chest xray to rule out pneumonia. I am worried for her. She seems happy and is active but her eating is off. She has no fever but she has trouble sleeping with he cough and has to stop and cough during play. She isn't wheezing. I checked but this morning I heard a crackle. I am not all that great with the stethoscope yet but I am familiar with that sound. I am trying not to get angry for Sean for not noticing how bad she has gotten. After all I did wait myself 2 1/2 days with the hope she was going to turn a corner. He really should have brought her to the doctor last week though. I am sure Cade being sick was a distraction since his symptoms were more acute. The diarrhea and he also had a cough so bad he made his chest muscles sore. He is fine now though. He only has a slight runny nose. What made me mad about Sean's handling of Cade was that Sean told Cade that if he felt bad to go take some medicine. He's 11. I really don't think he should be swigging medicine any time he felt like it. Cade is not dumb though and asked his dad to measure it out for him. Proper dose for a child is important. Sean told him to do it himself. Thankfully I had shown Cade what the right amount for him was for several brands of medicine one of which Sean had. I also told Cade not to take it before the proper time was up or he would be overdosing. Thank goodness Cade listened to me because he had to do it himself quite a few times last week. When he told his dad his chest hurt Sean told him he felt bad for him and did nothing. I was able to figure out by talking with Cade it was a muscle issue but what if his chest hurt from not being able to breathe, or worse something with his heart? You just never know. Am I being over protective? What really made me upset though was that they (Kathryn too) said maybe his cough was emphysema. Emphysema? Are you kidding me? Are they trying to scare the crap out of him or are they really that stupid? Sean's dad now has Emphysema and is on oxygen all the time. It's a serious condition. COPD is nothing to joke about. The C stands for Chronic. Do I need to define chronic? Cade does not have any of the diseases that fall under the umbrella of COPD. Cold, bronchitis, pneumonia maybe. Does Sean's dad's condition make them think everything leads to emphysema? For "educated"people are they really that ignorant? Let's say Cade did have emphysema...did Sean think telling an 11 year old to "go take something for that cough" would be adequate? I wanted to scream when Cade told me this. I just calmly explained to Cade about emphysema again. I had done so twice before because of his grandpa. Cade has a good head on his shoulders at times and so he wasn't freaked by his dad's and Kathryn's comments. He is worried for his grandpa of course but not too much yet. We don't know what stage it's at but to be on oxygen full time isn't a good sign. He is only 63. I thought Sean telling Will he might have Mono (because they thought he slept too much) and that he should go see a doctor was bad and really stupid but this just might be worse.

So, tomorrow I have a meeting with Connor's school social worker. I spoke with her briefly over the phone yesterday and we both seem to be on the same page about being concerned about Connor's ability to cope with stress. He runs away which is only a short term relief. This also is a trigger for his depression. I think if we can help him learn better coping skills it will really help his depression issues. So the three of us are going to meet in the morning. I will have Sofie with me which will make things difficult but her appointment is at 10:30 am and Connor's is at 8:30 so my hands are tied. Connor also has a meeting with his therapist at 3pm. I will be sending Sofie home with Will so she can get home and tucked in bed. It is nice to have Will be there to help out with his sister. She adores him and listens to him which helps out too. It's kind of odd knowing he is 18 now. I still don't like burdening him with things like this but since it is only from time to time he never complains. He wouldn't anyway.

Gotta run and do some school work now. I feel good about that issue since I got everything done for this week yesterday. The "new" school week starts tomorrow.

No Motivation

2011-01-03T10:25:00.002-05:00

Here is one of those days when you have to do stuff you don't want to do. Well, everyday is like that I suppose but I mean one of those days when it's harder to do because you have zip for motivation.

I slacked off with my school work last week. I did all my reading which was a good thing but I have one class where I haven't done my project yet. I am a bit nervous about that because I still feel I don't know what I am doing. I have my class tonight and I am sure I will feel more confident afterwords but it is due tomorrow and I haven't started yet. I have all day today and tomorrow to figure it out though so I am not freaking out yet. I am also not stressing over it as I go over it a little then go off and do something else when I start to feel anxious. When I go back I feel much better and more focused.

I have other stuff to do as well. I have to call Connor's school, fill out paperwork for Cade to go away on a weekend school trip, all the housework, bottles and cans for the island school, the list goes on. I am keeping my own school stuff on the top of the list though. Focus...focus...

Well, ok then....

2011-01-02T18:00:00.001-05:00

I just told Sofie to hurry and finish her bath. Her reply?

"Mom, (long sigh) just let me relax for a bit."

She is an old lady in disguise.

Frayed Nerves

2011-01-02T14:36:00.002-05:00

The kids came home yesterday. We watched some movies and got caught up. They didn't go to Boston. The kids weren't going to go anyway but Cade had a bad cough which made his chest muscles very sore and had some tummy issues. On the plus side for Sean he made the choice to have Cade stay home and stayed with him. I am always pleased when Sean thinks clearly. On the bad side this peeved the "wife". She stayed as well and took out her anger on the kids all week which is why Sofie snapped the other day. Let's see...Cade said she made him a ham sandwich and the bread had mold on it. Hey, it happens so I wasn't upset about him discovering the mold, it was how the situation was handled that could have been better. Cade saw it and of course didn't want to eat the sandwich (would you?) so he pointed out the mold. Kathryn was upset, cut off the section of the sandwich that had the mold on it and slammed the plate on the table and said, "There! Now it your god d***ed sandwich!" Now I wonder where he got his diarrhea from? Then she yelled at him after he had been sick in the bathroom because she thought he didn't clean up after himself well enough. She yelled at both Cade and Sofie for leaving the toilet lid up. She is afraid the toddler will drown. I think it's a bit naive of her to think a lowered lid alone is a sufficient deterrent. She should have the lock for the seat if she is really concerned about that issue. It's also rather unrealistic to assume a four year old is going to remember every single time. There is something to be said about actually keeping an eye on your kids and being aware of where they are. Very tiring but it's kind of what you sign up for when you have them in the first place. Apparently she was yelling at Sean all week as well over the smallest things. She was upset he moved the vitamins she had set out for them to take. I will give Sean points again for moving them to begin with. He had to leave the kitchen and moved them into a cabinet so the little kids wouldn't get into them. A smart choice. A safe choice. It's just too bad his memory is so swiss cheesed he couldn't remember which cabinet they were in. Cade said all week Sean just swallowed all of the screaming and did nothing. I suppose it would be too much to ask for him to defend the kids when he doesn't even defend himself. The girl there has started biting Sofie again. Cade has been protecting Sofie and it has caused tensions to rise even higher. Cade said he felt like he never really had a vacation at all.

On another topic they really are moving. The house is officially for sale. They even had some people come to look at the place while the kids were there. They haven't bought a new place yet but have an eye on one place and are just waiting to sell the house they are in. I wonder if Sean's name will be on the next house they buy. They didn't do it last time because of the divorce. They will have moved three times in three years and bought two homes. It seems a bit excessive to me. Happiness by relocation syndrome. Never works though, you always take yourself with you where ever you go. I am not even going to think about how this will make waves in the pick up and drop off routine. Sean can think about all that. I have no plans on changing anything. Speaking of changes I was about to sign the papers on Friday for the whole court stuff. Sean has until April first to pay what he owes and the divorce as far as custody is staying the same. If Sean doesn't pay then the lawyers fees will be added on to what he owes. I am too tired to care right now. Right now my only focus is on playing with the kids and Monday and Tuesday to be focused on getting my school work done for the week.

We made apple crisp today. It's time to go sample it...:)

2010-12-31T21:33:00.000-05:00

Some Christmas Party Pics

2010-12-30T14:37:00.009-05:00

1 - Sofie after opening her secret santa gift. 2 - Graham Cracker houses made at the craft fair. 3 - School Play from left, Olivia (standing), Eliza, Kai, Sofie and Aiden. 4 - Connor eating veggie lasagna and Will's elbow. The "other brother" Will across the table with his girlfriend. 5 - Sofie with her secret santa gift a princess doll and horse. 6 - Cade with his jingle bells for the kids march around the hall. 7 - Sofie getting ready for the march

Tears

2010-12-30T12:12:00.002-05:00

It's been a quiet week so far. I have been catching up on my school work and spending some time for myself. Still, feeling a little stuffy and blowing my nose I have been resting and sleeping in which has been so wonderful. I feel a little spoiled. Especially last night. The power went out and there was nothing else to do but go to bed anyway. We got power back sometime during the night so we never got cold at all. On another note, I did put all the Christmas decorations away though so I have been doing something.

I have been missing Sofie and Cade though. You never think you would miss squabbling and loud noises but you do. Connor, Will and I were hanging out in the living room talking about this and that and watching some tv when the phone rang. The fact Connor was hanging out with us and not squirreled away in his room was a pretty big deal. A good sign. Connor handed me the phone and Cade was on the other end. He quickly told me without preamble Sofie was having a real tough time ever since she got to their dad's and finally snapped. He said she was screaming at them and told off Kathryn, her daughter and even the little toddler saying how they were brats and witches and mean and how she hated them. Just screaming. I could hear her crying in the background and Cade said how Sean just told her to apologize to them and sent her to her room. Cade got her and brought her to his room and held her while she cried then called me with the phone I had given him because she was calling for me and wouldn't stop. He gave her the phone. He had said all this info very fast so I was feeling kind of shocked. I could barely understand her she was so choked up. She said how much she missed me and how she loved me so much. Then she said, "I hate this family. I don't ever want to come back." She said she couldn't come home for three more days and she asked that when she did come back to never have to go back to "this horrible place ever again." All I could to was tell her how much I missed her and loved her and would be seeing her soon. While she was on the phone Kathryn interrupted telling her she was going to give her cucumbers on her salad for dinner. Sofie was not pleasant to her at all. Sofie viciously told her, "Get out of my face! I hate cucumbers!" I have never, never heard her have so much venom in her voice before. Kathryn left for obvious reasons. Later on Cade told me his dad had tried to force feed Sofie peas the day before by holding her mouth open with his hand then stuffing them in her mouth with his other hand. The reaction was predicable. She threw up all over him. She is four and I won't sugar coat it and say she is a great eater. She can be picky but when she is feeling well with no cold or flu she is perfectly willing to try new things and retry things she hasn't liked in the past. I always make sure to have the healthy things I know she likes available and then have her sample what we eat. So, let's say we are having peas and squash. Peas something I already know she doesn't like and squash is the new item. I will also have raw carrots which I know she loves as a back up veggie I know she will eat. I will have her try the peas. One or two, plain or with light butter or something. If that's a no go then we move on the the new veggie. If she likes it great, if not then it goes on the keep trying until she finally likes it list. Sometimes it how it is prepared that makes all the difference with someone. Will hates squash with a passion but he isn't a picky eater at all. We all have things we don't like. Still, I found one kind, prepared a specific way that he really likes. I do the raw carrots because Cade and Sofie love them raw but despise them cooked. Connor and Will prefer them cooked. Trial and error but worth it to make sure your kids eat a healthy meal. To force feed a kid? Well, not worth the mess when the puke on you. I can see it leading to an eating disorder, especially for a girl. If they are really hungry they will eat. If you make sure the choices are all healthy ones then there won't be much of a choice. Sean asked Cade if I force feed her too. Cade told him I didn't of course. Then said, "You should have given her green beans. She likes those." Cade failed to tell him she only likes them french style. See? Kids are weird. Anyway, I found out despite the whole pea fiasco they were having salad and split pea soup for dinner. Split pea. I wonder if Sofie ate anything after we hung up. Going back and forth between them I was on the phone for an hour. Sofie asked for Willy and Connie to speak with them as well. Will also could barely understand her. She kept asking for me periodically to make sure I was still there and have me reassure her she was not going to stay there forever and would be home soon. She said she wanted to snuggle with me and told me to not to watch any movies until she got home so we could watch them together. It was such a heartbreaking call. I felt so helpless. I couldn't hug her or dry her tears. Just awful. I asked Cade how he was doing and he said, "I'm managing. I have Sofie and my gameboy so I'm good. I am in my room mostly or playing with Sofie." He knew he had to give Sofie extra support just from him. It's sad he is so aware he has to do that and yet so sweet and kind that he does and isn't pushing her away which he could. He is only 11 after all.

On other news, Sean agreed and signed the court papers and sent them to my lawyer. I have to go into town and sign them with a witness and everything will be set. We won't have to go back to court. Sean is held to a stricter agreement concerning what he owed and the consequences. I am waiting to hear back from my lawyer now about coming into town tomorrow to sign them. I only found out about the papers this morning so I hope they will be open tomorrow.

Good news, bad news....same ol' same ol' I guess.

Whew...holidays and blizzards

2010-12-28T09:37:00.002-05:00

Well, the snow wasn't too bad out here. The wind is pretty bad but we didn't lose power and for me that's all that matters. We had maybe five inches or so. It was light and easy to shovel. Good thing since I did it myself. Will can't go out into the cold at all or he starts coughing continuously. He had bronchitis. He is much better but he still has random coughing fits. We had to use a neighbors nebulizer to help his breathing out. I should have just kept the one Sean had. He said he was cured of asthma when he left here and left it behind. I guess he thought when he was leaving this life here with his family he was cured all all aliments, bipolar and asthma. Well, I sent him his inhalers and the nebulizer. I should have kept it for Will and Sean should have dealt with the consequences of his insanity and bought a new one for himself. I will have to see about getting one for the rare times Will should need it. I am too darn nice for my own good sometimes. Anyway, Connor was sound asleep and I didn't want to wait for him so I just went out and shoveled myself. I needed to start the car to keep the sketchy battery functional and get the trash cans which we put out the night before. I took my time and did a little bit at a time and it was fine. My nose is still a little runny so I had to come in a blow my nose anyway. My cold was really nasty just before xmas and I was feeling pretty bad. Christmas day though I was feeling much better. We had a nice day. I had to bring Sofie and Cade in that afternoon though and they won't be back until Saturday. Sofie was beside herself not wanting to go. Cade didn't want to go either. On Will's birthday (the 23rd, he's 18 now!) Sean called and asked to speak with Cade. Then he asked to speak to Sofie. Then he hung up. Cade said his dad told him they were going to go to Boston to visit Kathryn's relatives. Cade had no desire to to that. So Sean was going to pick them up on Christmas and leave them with his parents. He was supposed to come back on Monday. Let's hope he had brains enough not to drive in the storm. Especially if he changed his mind and brought the kids with him anyway. Who knows? Sean never asked to speak with Will to wish him a happy birthday. I thought for sure when I dropped the kids off Sean would have given me presents to give Will and Connor. He gave Will a card at least last year and sent two for Connor. Even though one was something Connor already owned and Sean just wrapped it and a used book it was something. He had nothing for them and I didn't ask. I am always surprised that he can still shock me. I will say though I am getting delayed reactions. I didn't even realize until I was back on the boat for home he hadn't given me anything. Maybe he will send something back this Saturday. You never know. Really, with Sean you never know.

Speaking of unpredictability, court. It was interesting to say the least. Sean didn't show up. He did send an email to my lawyer saying he was fine with the case being withdrawn and agreed to pay the taxes he owed me and back medical bills with his tax return. However, since he wasn't there the judge didn't want to put anything in an order without him being there. So, sadly we have to go back again. The plan in place now is that if he doesn't come next time then the case will be dismissed with prejudice and an order of enforcement will be put in place for the money issues. I don't know when we will go back. February maybe? Sean could sign a notarized order agreeing to the terms and we won't have to go back. I hope that is what happens. If he doesn't then we will seek lawyers fees as well. I thought how tiring it was that I had to go into town and pay for a sitter while Sean did as he pleased. Also, the mediator who showed up never got paid either so her time was wasted. Such a waste when we could have ended everything that day. Still, I am very, very happy he is backing off finally. Connor is doing better and not withdrawn. I have a meeting set up for next week with his school counselor. Hopefully we can find a solution to his anxiety and school issues to get him back on track academically. You know what I also find bothersome? Sean was so focused on Connor and his homework he wasn't even looking at our other kids at all. Cade told him he made honor roll (which was a struggle the last week before grades closed I can tell you) and Sean had no idea. He was shocked. If Cade hadn't told him he would have never even had asked how he was doing. I don't know if I should feel good Sean is confident in my parenting ability or angry at his neglect.

I have been away from the computer for a while. When I was feeling bad just looking at the screen made my head hurt. I am trying to get back into the swing of things and I hope be more attentive to all those who have been supporting me....:)

Thanks everyone and Happy Holidays!

Almost too tired to post this...

2010-12-19T15:00:00.002-05:00

I caught Sofie's cold. Here I was thanking the stars above I never got "really" sick with that stomach bug that hit the kids last week other than one nasty day and a few other days were I felt a little tired. Last night I began sniffing. This morning I am a leaky faucet and so very sleepy. I was feeling pretty good yesterday morning though. Which is a good thing since I just got a job cleaning two houses that are being rented by FEMA loggers while they are out here on the island. Cleaning up after all those men though isn't exactly easy. They leave for the weekends so I was at one house for about four hours yesterday which wasn't too bad. I was there while Sofie was at school on Friday for 2 hours just doing dishes and cleaning counter tops. Seriously. It will help me get through the winter though. I am not babysitting for a while. Lobster season is over for the mom I work for and she is training now for another job so until she is done with that I am out of work too. Luckily when I do babysit again I can still do the cleaning while the kids are at school so I don't have to pick jobs.

I took some cold medicine a little while ago so I am feeling a little better and I am now online doing some school work. I didn't do anything yesterday and I am a bit behind. I was supposed to take Cade in for a therapy session tomorrow but if I still feel lousy I will cancel and just do homework all day instead. I have court on Tuesday and I can't miss that. I can't do any school work that day either because I have to take the morning boat to make the 1:15 court time. It stinks I couldn't take the noon but I don't control court times. I will do my Christmas shopping instead. I went to goodwill last week and I have the dollar store to go to next. I got some money from an island charity just for the kids so I will get them all something nice. I would use my laptop in town but the battery is dead. I need to buy a new one since the one I have now won't hold a charge and finding outlets is pretty tricky. I will need to get everything finished by tomorrow.

Wish me luck for Tuesday and that Sean gives up. I pray he just goes away. Once and for all. I would love to live a mentally ill free life for a little while.

So it begins.....

2010-12-14T09:34:00.002-05:00

True things have been a bit depressing around here lately outside of the party. Since we have all been in various stages of stomach flu or cold/cough it has been kind of rough. Will is still home. He was fighting a fever all day yesterday and was throwing up this morning. He seems a bit better now and is getting some math done over the internet. Nice. Cade is top notch and is off at school. Sofie went to school yesterday but is home today again because she is coughing and her nose is a like a leaky faucet. Then there is Connor. He went to school yesterday then missed the boat home because when he got off the bus he had to run to the bathroom to throw up. He had to wait for the next ferry. He got home and was exhausted. I realized however it wasn't all physical. He said he needed some fresh air and went for a walk. He should have been home by 8pm but didn't get back until 9:30. He was at a friends house here on the island talking some things out. Now, it is a good thing he has someone I trust he can turn to. Missing his bedtime though is a serious issue. It is one of the first things that gets messed up when he gets depressed. He told me before he went to bed that his ex girlfriend (the one he moved away from here for, who subsequently cheated on him, then spread vile rumors about him because he didn't want to smoke and drink with her and her pals) came up to him yesterday telling him she wanted to be friends again and he didn't know how to handle that. He was vague at first which ex he talked to so I had to be blunt and just ask. Then he mumbled her name. What concerns me is how he is having trouble coping with stress. This is obviously upsetting to him and I won't downplay that. The fact it sets him in a tailspin though is not healthy. He was lethargic and mumbly. He then missed the boat this morning and slept until 9am. Close to 12 hours. He ate but was looking very pale. I know he is still feeling under the weather from the stomach flu and I am sure that is a huge contributing factor. It really hit him hard. I am actually glad he stayed though because I don't him throwing up in town again. All his assignments are online so he can still get his work done. Still, he is moody. I can tell he wants nothing more than to be friends again with this girl but his mind knows better. So, we will see.

As for me, aside from a little queasiness from time to time I am doing fine. I had my two classes last night. One of my classes sounds like I am being taught by a valley girl. If she said uh..ummm....one more time I was going to rip my hair out. She is going to teach me to be an effective communicator? *snicker* Watch I will fail that class now.

Sleepy

2010-12-12T11:08:00.002-05:00

Being up with Sofie two nights in a row cost me. I had tummy troubles myself on Thursday. I was in town as well so that was awful. I was so wiped out when I got home. I even fell asleep in Cade's lap at the bay lines waiting for the ferry. He was sweet and patted my head. All the boys put all the groceries and other things I had bought for the island party away for me. Connor said I had a long day and should rest. Are they trying to butter me up for Christmas? :)

Friday was a nightmare though. Connor got the bug and was throwing up even though he felt fine the day before. Will and Cade had something completely different and had sore throats and congestion. They are both fine now. Cade was feeling better by Saturday morning. Will by Saturday afternoon. Connor seemed ok but threw up last night again. He did at least feel good for the party and had a good time. He hugged me at the end of it and said he was glad he was there. We got to take home a huge leftover salad, a whole lasagna, rolls and extra pie. I froze the lasagna though because I know we won't be able to eat it all with us all feeling sketchy over food right now. My tummy still gets sharp pains from time to time and I fight off nausea off and on. I never threw up though thank the heavens. I did have nasty back pain though. Just totally exhausted. I am glad I motivated myself to do school work on Wednesday because I haven't done a thing since. I still have stuff to complete but I did enough so I am not freaking out.

Cade had a friend out last night and he came to the party. Being out here was a bit of a shock I think. He is quite a shy boy. He asked Cade what kind of school lunches they had out here at his old school. Cade said ,"Homemade!" We all laughed at that since we were at the dinner at the time and it was not just our family there but two others. Cade explained it all to his friend who was kind of wide eyed. Then it was time for the play. Sofie had only one practice because she had been out sick all week and hadn't been on stage except once that very morning for a quick rehearsal. I wasn't sure they would be able to pull it off but they did great! All of us mom's were shocked I think. The preschool kids were supposed to be extra help hired at the last minute to help Santa and they hated the work and quit so they left the stage and the other elves tried to lure them back with money which didn't work, then whoopie pies which also didn't work then finally with tickets to Cliff Island (the best place in the world) which worked and they scrambled back on stage. Sofie then shouted she wanted the whoopie pies too. Everyone laughed. After that they did a little dance to the tune of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. The preschool kids did the echos. The part when they sing. "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names." Sofie shouted, "Like Connor!" Poor Connor. Everyone laughed and snickered at him. He was shaking his head and smiling. Afterword people came up and clapped his back and told him it was ok that we all liked him. We sang songs and Santa came. Sofie was totally fooled. She got a little princess doll and pony. Will got a gift card to a mexican place in the Old Port which is amazing. Connor got $20 which pleased him immensely. I got a bottle of wine and a chocolate bar. Cade got Swedish fish and some other things but it was the candy they impressed him the most. He thought he knew who the gift was from but we pointed out everyone on the island knows his favorite candy is Swedish fish so it could have been from anyone. Sofie was so funny thanking everyone even Santa. I took a bunch of pictures but I have to find the cord to upload them from Will's camera. It was the most relaxing party I have been to since we have been here. I am not sure why. Maybe I don't care as much. I don't know but it was nice. There was a lot of people there. The one woman I haven't spoken too for a while came up to me and asked about the kids. She has been avoiding me because she knows darn well I am not happy with her for having Sean and his new family out to her summer home out here. I answered her questions of course. I am not rude. She said, "I see the kids are really happy here with you." I said, "Yes, yes they are, they all know this is their home." I looked her right in the eye and she nodded. It's her husband who knows Sean and is acquainted with him. I try and understand her position to not have conflict with him about all of this as well. I know next summer they will be here again and until it stops I won't exactly be very friendly like I was before. I didn't let it bother me though. It wasn't the time.

I was able to see the lawyer on Thursday and we have our plan for the court date on the 21st. We are just going to ask that the divorce agreement we already have stay in place and the case be dismissed. Connor is back home and "voted with his feet" as he did before when I let him go. It was the only thing Sean could site as a change of circumstance and now that's gone. If Sean still wants to fight it then we will ask for lawyer's fees as well. If it does wind up going to trial then we are looking for this to go on until maybe March or April. Also the fact of Sean wanting to move away for no other reason that that his wife likes the other area is only reinforcing his inability of being able to provide support for his kids. Not a money issue but nurturing support.

I had better get off the computer now. The screen makes me queasy.

Getting Back in the Groove

2010-12-08T11:19:00.003-05:00

Classes for my next semester start today. I am trying to get back into the feel of studying again even after only a week or so off. It will be interesting with things being so busy with Christmas coming up and all the extra appointments this month. I am going to do my best not to stress out about it.

Today Sofie is still feeling under the weather. She has stopped throwing up but it could be because she isn't eating. She has a slight fever and she is now saying her throat hurts. Tomorrow all the other moms who could watch her are also going into town t so I am in a pinch again. Will said he may take the day to be with her if she isn't better. He has college applications he has to fill out and can get all of that done. The boys didn't do any chores at all yesterday and I suppose I should be annoyed about that but things got sidetracked when Connor asked me questions for an interview he needed in is healthy living class. It was about any bad experiences I have had with drugs and alcohol. I have lived a pretty dull life so I didn't have much to say. I did recount a few things but I really had to think and scrape the bottom of the barrel. I had them all laughing though. In the course of it all Connor mentioned how his dad drinks every single night now. He didn't seem thrilled about that. Connor did say his dad isn't getting drunk every night however as far as he can tell but he was drunk a quite a few times in the three months Connor was there. Connor said his dad throws up every time. Ahh, memories. Connor also said he knew about the moving plan to Bath since they were talking about it while he was still there. I didn't ask him but I now that I think about it I wonder what that would have meant for Connor if he was still living with Sean? That would have meant changing schoosl unless Sean was willing to pay the out of district tuition for Connor to stay where he is. I also wonder if that was another reason Connor came home? I will have to ask I suppose. Anyway, back to to school work. At least with Sofie sick she is immobile. Easy to take care of but she is driving me crazy by not eating. At least she is drinking well.

Moving?

2010-12-07T14:15:00.003-05:00

I have had two hours of sleep and have a huge headache. I had trouble falling asleep last night. Now I can only assume it was some kind of spidey sense tingling because Sofie started throwing up around 12:30. This was of course after I had gotten up at 11pm thinking I was going to be a mess if I didn't get any sleep and took a sleeping pill. I had to battle to stay awake since she kept getting up to throw up and her knees were hurting as well. Finally around 4am I fell asleep and then she got up around 6am. The pill I took made me feel queasy and I kept bumping into things for a few hours but it finally wore off. Now I am just so very tired. Thankfully she is napping now I think the worst if over. Maybe she ate something bad?

One thing that had been plaguing my sleep deprived mind was a conversation I had with Cade last night. He told me his dad was moving. I narrowed my eyes at this because Sean hasn't said anything to me about it and with the whole court business going on you would think something like that would be mentioned. In any case I asked Cade if he had overheard this or did his dad actually tell him that. He said that both his dad and the current wife sat down with him and the other kids and told them they were going to sell the house and move to either Bath or Bangor/Oreno. It all seems a confused muddle since Sean is applying for a full time job in a nearby town and of course she is settled in her job. To move to Bath isn't too far out of consideration since it is about an hour's drive away from Portland Still, they live less than five minutes from her job and her daughter's school. Why move? If they go further north than it is a 2 1/2 hour drive. Boston is closer than that. They are working with ReMax apparently so something is in the works. I can't help but wonder how this will affect Sean's ability to go to school conferences and doctors appointment for the kids. It isn't like he does it much now but I can see everything ending at that point. Unless of course he plans on having them live with him. This could be a good thing or a bad thing. I am not sure what to think. What about visitations? What a mess it will turn out to be.

The dentist called and Will is going to need his wisdom teeth pulled. I went to break the news to him about taking them now or waiting an having to deal with nerve pain. He asked me if he was still covered under Kathryn's dental insurance. I said yes. He then asked if he waited until after graduation if he waited if he would have to pay for it himself? I said yes. So, he told me to set it up right away and bill her. Self preservation at it best I suppose.

Whirlwind Week Ahead

2010-12-06T09:48:00.002-05:00

It's 10am and I have only just finished breakfast. I had some chores to do before I got Sofie off to school then I was on the phone for about an hour. Time flies. It was all Christmas party stuff and about play practices and when to set up tables and decorations, getting all the food ready for about 80-100 people. Since it is only three moms and some volunteers it can get a little crazy. Fun though. Not stressful. What will stress me out is if Sofie decides to get too shy to get on stage this year. She is so outgoing you wouldn't think it would be a problem but there you have it.

Sean didn't get off the boat with the kids again yesterday. I really do wonder why. A few people came up to me this time and commented on how unengaged he is with them. He hardly spoke to either of them the whole boat ride and they sat away from him with friends instead. It is strange to say the least. It's been a while since I have had people come up to me to ask about his behavior and wonder if something was going on with him (other than the obvious) with concern. I don't know what this means other than I am not the only one who is seeing this.

I didn't get the xmas stuff out yesterday. I wasn't feeling very well. I am not sick though. Just female issues that required some Tylenol and involved hissing when I had to walk anywhere. So, I didn't do a whole lot. I am going to make an attempt this afternoon after Sofie's nap and delve into abyss for some store bought cheer. Wish me luck.

Another School Paper Update

2010-12-04T17:04:00.002-05:00

Cliff Island School Times

It's only 5pm and I am so done for the day. I cleaned up the basement today. It still needs a little work but overall a success. Connor now has room to set up his drum set and fix up the old bikes. I also have room for the grill which we will drag down there tomorrow for the winter. Snow will be flying soon so I have to get moving. Tomorrow I plan on digging around for the xmas decorations. I feel a little bit more like celebrating than last year and yet I am still feeling sick to my stomach thinking about having to go to court on the 21st. I hope Santa sends Sean a huge lump of coal this year for this huge mess he made, or better yet, something more disgusting than coal. DHHS hit him hard this November. I got the normal withholding payment and the additional one he had been making for a while which was a deal he had made with DHHS to get current but stopped paying because we are in the court process and he felt he didn't have to may anymore. (idiot) They also then took two big payments of nearly $500 a piece. I will also get another payment this coming week for December. I was very thrilled to see all the money in my account. Of course it isn't all he owes but at least it means we can have a small xmas this year and I can also pay the rent! It's nice when you don't have to make terrible choices. I also finally got my new software I ordered from my school yesterday so I installed it on one of the computers. The one I primarily use for my school work. I will try and find some time to do the other one soon. I am feeling a bit run down and achy though so I am now finished with all the running around. Next weekend will be very busy. I am having company, Cade wants to invite a few friends (where will I put everyone?) and the island xmas party is next Saturday. I have only bought one secret Santa gift so far and have four more to get. Thankfully I use the dollar store and creativity to make the magic happen. I will not think any more about all that now. Now I am going to make some dinner and relax....:)

Not too Shabby

2010-12-03T12:18:00.002-05:00

So my final grades were 98 and 99. I know I shouldn't be upset at those kinds of grades but the mistakes I made were foolish ones. Other than that I am pretty happy. Don't expect me to tell about any future grades though. I don't want to jinx myself.

I have to take Sofie into town today to see her dad. When I told her we were going to take the afternoon boat she put her hands on her hips and scowled and said, "I thought I told you I wasn't going to go back there ever again!" Well, just tell me how you really feel. I can't wait for the teen years.

Connor is home today finally struck down by the virus he has been fighting off to a week. Headache, nausea, dizziness and exhaustion. He crawled out of bed long enough to take a shower and eat then slinked back in. Thank goodness it is the weekend so he hopefully will only miss today. I can hear Sean screaming in my head right now.

Time to settle Sofie for a quick nap before we hop on the boat.

Waiting for the results...

2010-12-02T07:11:00.003-05:00

So, my first semester is officially over. Now I am just waiting to see how the final projects did and how that will changes my overall grade. In the meantime I will be starting the next semester next week. I am a bit nervous. The books for my next two classes came in the mail Tuesday. The web design class looks pretty intimidating. One step at a time I guess.

I am sipping some leftover mulled cider Will made for dessert last night and I am finding it quite relaxing even at 7am. I have already been up for two hours anyway and have finally sat down for a few minutes to myself before I take Sofie to school. She is getting dressed and watching some Christmas specials I recorded for her last night. It is excited to see her really enjoy them for the first time. Some she has seen some of them before but wasn't really able to sit through them. She watched the Peanuts Thanksgiving special a few days ago I had also recorded with the little boy I babysit and they just laughed and laughed. It was so much fun to watch.

I was able to get a lot of errands done on Tuesday in town. I dropped off a paper with DHHS making sure they know that Will, even though he will be turning 18 will still be in school until June so the child support will still be collected. Also, my root canal is finally done. I still have to go back again next week to cap it off. I can't afford a crown but at least my dentist will be doing the next part for free. That will be a busy day. I have the dentist, Connor's therapy, Cade's therapy, then an appointment with my lawyer. The lawyer visit time might change. He is in court in a murder trial right now. He was on the news. *shiver* I also have to fit some time to go to the grocery store and get some supplies for the island xmas party. I am making my pumpkin cheesecake again.

I am feeling really tired today for some reason. I worked pretty much non-stop yesterday so maybe that's it. I am babysitting this afternoon so I had better get motivated.