Our Island Family Life

On a upswing I finally have a new washer and dryer. My old one is fixable and sitting in my living room for the moment. I need to straighten out the basement before I move it down there. I will get some help for that. There are some things I know are just out of my realm.

My cleaning jobs will be ending soon. I am so thrilled. Good money but I am wiped by the end of the summer. I feel like I am hitting a wall right now. It has been a good feeling getting my own house in order and spending more time with the kids.

Sofie has to go to her dad's this weekend and I feel rather selfish. I want her home and I usually am ok with the kids leaving but this weekend I am in a bad mood about it. Could be knowing Sean's rational thinking brain is on the fritz this week could have something to do with it. Who knows, he could be back to "normal" by now. I haven't heard anything from him since Monday. I still haven't addressed the whole stealing debacle yet. I know this is adding to my stress. I want to stay home and bury my nose in my blankets.

So tired.

On the walk home Cade said, "Well, I'm back from Hell." This was the first time he had gone in a while. He spent Friday and Saturday at his grandparents and Sunday evening with his dad. The grandparents house was full to the brim with people all weekend. Sunday almost everyone went hiking up Mount Washington except the younger kids and the grandparents. Cade wasn't allowed to go, them telling him he was too young which was funny since Sean dragged him along two years ago when he was 10. Anyway, the main issue was the fact Sean accused Cade of stealing again. Cade was more hurt that his grandparents now believe he is a thief than his dad's craziness. Cade broke a rule we had set to prevent this from happening again. I told him he was not ever allowed to bring any of his money with him of any visits ever. Every time he does he is accused of stealing. Cade had been dog sitting and sold some of his game cards to a friend and had $20 on him. He didn't break the rule deliberately. It was stuffed in his pocket and he had forgot about it, which led to a talk about being responsible about his money and keeping it safe but that is a whole other topic. Anyway, he had the $20 with him and on Sunday went out with his grandmother and a few of the cousins to a place that has games. He tried to use his money in a token machine but it was too rumpled to go through so it was spat back out at him. He pocketed the money and sought out a different machine, flattened out his money the best he could and this time was able to get his tokens. That afternoon his dad confronted him and accused him of stealing $60 from his grandfather. Apparently he had his wallet in the basement and now $60 was missing and Sean said Cade was the only one who spent any significant time down there. Cade was in the basement (where they keep their computer) to go online but he wasn't the only one and people go in and out of the house through a door down there all the time. Cade of course denied he took anything and said he only had ever had his $20 he had earned with his summer animal sitting business and card selling. His dad said, "Yeah, right." Then his grandmother told Sean she saw Cade with $40 dollars. What she had seen was him putting a $20 in two different token machines. She was not aware it was the same $20. Cade tried to clear up the misunderstanding but Sean accused Cade of calling his grandmother a liar. Sean then searched Cade's clothes and bag. He found nothing. On Monday he was confronting Cade on the boat for nearly an hour telling him to just admit it, that he stole the money, how could he do such a thing to his oxygen ridden, emphysema troubled grandfather after everything they have done for him and followed him to the bathroom to check and see if Cade had hidden any money to retrieve later. Cade finally had enough and pulled out his pockets, took his shoes and socks off and shook them, dumped his bag out on the table and told his dad out side of a cavity search Sean could look anywhere since he had nothing to hide. Sean then got bitter and said how he supposed Cade wouldn't came back for visits again for months because of this. Cade refused to speak to his dad anymore by then so Sean again got angry and said, "Oh, so you're ignoring me now?" Sean had told Cade how he could help him and if he needed money Sean could give it to him. (snort) Cade took a nap instead. So, I checked my email and phone and Sean had emailed me and left a phone message telling me how much he hated to say this but Cade was stealing "again". This made me angry because he didn't steal any of the other times Sean accused him. Sean then asked me to search Cade's things and confiscate anything I find so he could give it back to his parents. Apparently they also thought out of the whole house full of relatives and strangers that Cade was the culprit. Cade is most upset about that. He is also angry and certain his dad has been telling them he has stolen in past which makes him look like a likely suspect. Sean told me how Cade hadn't come with any money and now claimed to have $20. One, Cade would never tell his dad he had money even if he did in the first place because if he did Sean would devise and way to take it. That was what he has done for years now and one of the big sticking issues the older boys have with him. Two, he had no reason to take his money out before Sunday.

I want to shake my head how all of this could have been avoided if Cade had just left his money at home. There was a reason we decided to have that rule in the first place. I also believe Cade was lax about using his money because his dad wasn't around so he thought it was safe and because he hasn't had any fights of this nature in a while so it wouldn't happen again. That him not showing up for 4 months taught his dad a lesson. Since Sean never apologized the first time Cade should have known better but this is kind of what I had talked about before. You get complacent when things are going well or if you are detached for a while because then when it happens again you keep asking why, why?

Now, I know it's a Sean issue not just a Cade "stealing" issue because he has been harassing Connor recently as well. He called Connor the day before the hike and asked him to come. Connor thanked him and told he would have liked to have come if he had known about it sooner but he already had plans for the day and didn't have a way to be at the mountain by 9:30am. Sean was upset and told Connor how he couldn't believe he would choose a friend over his family. Connor tried really hard not to say something crass to that. It wasn't like he was offered a ride or anything. Connor said he was sorry and thanked him for thinking of him and hung up. Two days later Sean texted him and once again railed at him about not coming and how inconsiderate he was, how selfish Connor was for not visiting his family. He said how disappointed he was in Connor and how Connor had disappointed his family. Connor was upset about it and you could see how depressed it made him. He was saying things like, "Whatever.", but that was all cover. He finally said, "I just don't get it. I don't understand why he does stuff like this." I have to again remind him his dad has a mental illness and not just assume his dad is a jerk and try and be respectful of that. It isn't about Connor and do not believe all the negative things his dad says to him or about him. They are not true. When his dad is acting like that do not engage him. No one comes out a winner in that.

Which leaves me with, what do I do? I feel like it would be a positive to address the stealing issue with Sean because when a future court case comes up....and it will....I can have evidence that I did try and work with him on this issue. I did take what he said seriously. I did discuss it with Cade. I even did search his things. I was upfront about it with him. I explained why it was needed. Cade said he had nothing to hide and to go right ahead. That alone tells me volumes. I turned everything upside down. Nothing. If he had taken $60 and had spent $40 when he was out with his grandmother that would leave $20 to find on him somewhere. Yet, there was nothing. Not even a penny. Sean also asked me if any of us were missing money and I have told him time and time again we never do.

I was considering having a conference call with Sean, Cade and myself. I really want to say, this is the last conversation we are ever going to have on this topic. Explain how I took Sean's concerns seriously and the steps I took to deal with the issue. Deal with provable facts. Money may be missing but there is no proof of how that came to be. Did his dad lose it himself? Misplace it? Someone steal it? Second, why assume Cade did it? Just because he was in that area the longest does not prove he took money they can't prove was taken in the first place. Cade was searched by both of us, body and belongings and neither of us found anything. I can also verify Cade did have money of his own and how he earned it. Other than Sean's belief and opinion how can he say Cade stole anything? Is he basing his opinion on what he considers past behavior? Considering how Cade and Sean both have very differing ideas about that is significant. This issue needs to be looked at in it's own relevance, not connected to anything else. When looked at on it's own merits without bringing in any old baggage, then what to you see? I would like to set the same rule that Cade is not allowed to bring any money but this time let Sean know about it. I didn't tell him before to avoid an argument because the basis for this rule is because of how every time Cade does Sean accused Cade of stealing. I knew it would led to Sean trying to justify himself and that would be a waste of time. This time, lay it out there and say if Cade has money at all on his person when he is at his dad's from this point forward Sean is welcome to confiscate it. Cade was not thrilled with this but I said to him this is the only way. One, Cade will be more diligent about keeping his money at home. If he has money on him at the bay lines and his dad is picking him up he can leave it at the office for me to pick up for him. Cade was ok with that. If Cade has no money that hopefully this won't happen again. Of course Sean could still accuse him of stealing but there is nothing we can do about that. You can only instill so many preventive measures.

Then again, I would like to ignore the whole thing. It would also be nice to tell him off and tell him if he does this to Cade again I have him sued for harassment.

Dreams.

Should I say anything? I don't know what to do anymore. Cade by the way is not going back next weekend. I wonder why?

On another note, things are looking up for Connor to reenrolled in school for the fall. Weekly therapy in place to help him stay in line, pdoc on tap without a wait for any emergency, Connor wants to be there (which is more than half the battle). Let's keep our fingers crossed.

In my current dealings with my bi-polar ex-husband it has gotten slightly easier. Only slightly and that is because now that he no longer lives here it isn't a daily struggle. Let me preface one thing, when I say "bi-polar ex-husband" I use the term bi-polar for a reason. One, it is a reminder to me that yes he does have this illness no matter how much he protests otherwise and for me personally I have a hard time remembering it myself because I think I still don't want to accept it sometimes. Two, to differentiate which mental illness I am talking about. Anyway, the immediately consequences of his actions are apart from me which helps in the short term but make it hard for me in the sense that I can tend to think of him as some kind of ex-husband jerk stereotype instead of the issues he has. Also, the long term problems are what drains me. That is never going away. That is hard to accept and cope with. His issues with the kids, coping and financial are far reaching and there are times when it would be nice to want to run away from it all. That, however is "negative" thinking and so I make sure I recognize these feelings, give them a handy dandy label and sigh (or have a good cry) then regroup for a while until all if this feels too heavy again. As time goes on dealing with Sean's issues is getting, not easier but more predictable which makes coping somewhat ok for me. Connor on the other hand is still fresh for me.

For example, last week he was on a tear again. Really pushing boundaries. Not liking the consequences. Not my problem. Then Saturday night he was gone for hours, no calls, nothing. Curfew came and went. I have no vehicle to track him down and his phone was at home. I knew...knew...where he was but that was beside the point. I called the house I knew he was at and he apologized profusely. I didn't care. The next day he asked if he could work with me at a house cleaning job I had in the afternoon. That was great because Sean wanted to drop Sofie off half a day early. No shock there. So, I would have to take time out to get her and bring her to my job which would slow me down. Did Connor actually work? Nope. He had his mental health burp. He was depressed the whole day. He refused to say this was how he was feeling but he was sleeping almost the whole day and kept calling his counselor. I am glad he was seeking the right kind of help while in that frame of mine. Not an easy thing by any means so I am hoping his therapy is paying off somewhat. I am worried he has the next two weeks off from it because his counselor will be on vacation. The next day Connor was back to normal, doing chores and homework. The ups and downs make my head spin. If I could only see some kind of pattern.

oh, and on other news, they are thinking of closing our post office again. It's on a short list. I can't say more but it will be on the news.

My washer is not working at all right now. The back is off and I am waiting for a part for it right now. I had practically now clean laundry. It isn't like I can pop down to the laundry mat from here. I am paying a neighbors friend to do it for me in the meantime. Not much but enough to cover gas for the golf cart to get it to their house, water, electricity and his time. I am also muti-tasking by having him pick up and drop off the laundry at the same time so I can get a ride from him to my evening nursing job. My car won't go down the path to that house even if it was running properly, which it isn't, so I never use it anymore. It's walking and bumming rides until the end of September when I will be getting used golf cart for free. I normally love walking but my feet hurt so much at the end of the day I am getting edema and I am walking up at night from the throbbing. It isn't so much the walking but the fact I am on my feet from 5am until nearly 9pm every day. Let's forget bathroom breaks and not include meals because I am usually running around while I eat. I try and put my feet up whenever I can and Will has been making dinner when he's home so I don't have to. The kids are doing chores but they don't always see my notes and I can not always call from different jobs.

Typical day: Up at 5am, clean up, eat (take vitamins), dress, pack for the day (usually a lunch), do at least one chore, walk to job.

Nursing job from 7 or 7:30am until just before 10am on library days later if Sunday or Tuesday. 10am -walk to library, Monday, Wednesday, Friday (unless working at the Post Office, which means I have to find someone to cover library job and skip morning nursing job), 12pm - head home to do homework and chores unless it's Thursday when I go to clean houses instead until 5 or 6pm. Walk home, eat, change, do one chore, go to evening nursing job from 7:30pm until 9pm, walk home unless I get a ride. Saturday I do the nursing job, post office, library, clean a house, home to eat then nursing job. Sofie comes with me to clean the houses and the library so I am spending time with her and give Cade a break to play with his friends. Will watches her in the evenings. Also, in there I am dealing with Connor when he gets into fits, making sure he goes to therapy, making sure he does his school work and that he is trying to be balanced while he works, does school and spends time with his friends. I wanted to scream last week and did wind up crying for nearly two hours when my patience met it's end with him. He was pushing the boundaries every single day, several times a day for a whole week. Then on Friday when I had a full work day, went to drop off Cade and Sofie in town to find out Sean had bailed so now I had to come up with new babysitting plans off the cuff, did my food shopping and house hold shopping, took Will to get new work pants, dealt with a moody Connor and got home at midnight on the late boat to get all of this done, Connor decides to tell me he is going to a friends house the next day and not going to do a cleaning job he said he would do. I lost it. I was in a panic because there was no way I could clean the house myself in the time allotted because I would be at other jobs. I had asked Connor if he wanted to do the job over a month ago and clearly said if he didn't I would find someone else so it wasn't a big deal and no pressure. He said he would because he wanted the money. Now he tells me he never agreed to do it and I wasn't on the same page as him and I get mad too easily. That just upset me more. Oh, did I mention I had been up 22 hours by this point? I asked him how he would feel if he had a kid who didn't ask permission to go someplace but thought he could just say he was doing it and think that was ok, skip a job that was agreed upon leaving someone else scrambling, skip therapy (which he did last week, it was for a valid reason so that wasn't my problem it was because he didn't call) without being responsible and calling the counselor to let them know and then getting angry with the parent who points out the problems but yet doesn't get mad and instead says, "If you don't want the job fine I will get someone else but you can not visit your friend because you didn't ask which is the rule and instead felt it was ok to tell me, the parent, what you are going to do at 12 o'clock at night. Not to mention the fact the chores you were asked to do did not get done or did you call your counselor which you said you would do and I called to remind you to do. Do you think it's ok to get angry with me instead. That seems a bit defensive." Well, first off he said it didn't matter how he would feel about a kid of his doing that because he is never having kids. Totally missing the point of developing some empathy. Then said I was over thinking things. He then went on to try and walk away and when I told him to sit so we could talk he got angry again. He said a lot of hurtful things and that I want to do everything in my timetable. Not trying to see all the help I have been trying to give him on developing his own timetable of doing what he needs to first and doing a little at a time to not overwhelm himself. He said how he never gets to spend time with his friends. Let's forget he has a friend staying with him the whole summer. I told him he sees his friends every single day after work for at least four hours. He said that it wasn't enough and he shouldn't bother at all. I told him if he wanted to be that way and cut him self off that was his choice. He said it was my choice because I would let him go visit his friend on another island for the day. I told him I wouldn't take the blame for his actions. He can spend some time with friends or none at all. His choice. As for not seeing his friend the next day, well, I felt bad about that but there are consequences to actions and he had been pushing the boundaries of his actions for a whole week. My finally saying no doesn't mean I get angry too quickly by any means. In fact being patience for a week to see him make good choices on his own was above and beyond what other parents would do and he should be grateful that I feel he has the ability to be mature and responsible enough on his own without me micromanaging his life. Then he went on about about how I was a liar and how I always say positive things to him but bad mouth him behind his back to Cade. Cade tells him how I think he is lazy and stupid etc.. That's when I started to cry. I told him I never said such things and I would be speaking to Cade about this. Right now I wasn't even in a place to know if what Connor was saying was really true or something he was saying to hurt me and Cade. I was also really upset after everything I have said and done if Cade real did say such things that Connor could so easily believe such a thing. I finally went to bed that night but only had four hours of sleep before I had to work the next day. Although he didn't apologize he did see me at work the next day with over half of his math work he needed to get done for the whole year done. As well as bring me lunch and he did almost all the chores. I knew it was his way of thinking things through and realizing he had been lax in things and he wasn't angry with me anymore. Still, I am wary and still hurt by it all and I feel some distance between us on my part. It's something I will have to work through. It reminds me a bit too much of his dad for me.

I am still using slippers to get around. I went to the store to get new shoes but I only had time to go to one place and they didn't have what I wanted in my size. I ordered some sneakers online so they should be here any day. I am still looking for some sandals though. Thank goodness for online shopping.

Sofie has been having a blast. She has been earning ice cream with memorizing poems for story hour, and cleaning up the beach, building fairy houses and playing tennis. I helped he make a little "nursery" in my room for all her babies. She has been having so much fun with that. She has been looking for sea glass, making jewelry, doing bridge school work, dancing, swimming and playing with the sprinkler. The most exciting thing has been her bike riding. I think she may be off the training wheels by the end of the summer. If she manages it she will have done it long before the boys did. Here's hoping.

Cade doesn't want to see his dad next weekend. Sean has been asking me why and I told him they needed to discuss it. Cade was willing to go and talk to his dad last weekend and Sean said he couldn't take him. Now this weekend Cade wants to have friends over and doesn't want to go. Sean facebooked Connor saying he wanted to talk to him so Connor called him and Sean never answered his phone. Sean called back several days later but Connor was spending the night with a friend. I told Connor his dad called and he just shrugged. I'm not the middle man.

I had better get back to work now. Break is over.