Tuesday, January 10, 2012
So, the holidays have passed. They were as ok as can be. New Years was fun. The boys had some friends out. Sofie wasn't here which was sad. I had a friend visiting and another popped by and we watched movies. Not a drunken free for all some have for this particular holiday but then again I have never been to one of those before anyway so I have no idea what I should be missing. We had a good time anyway which is all that matters.
We all had colds the week before Christmas. Sofie however kept a lingering cough. I took her to the doctor last week and she has a kind of post viral cough. I didn't let her go visit Sean last weekend to make sure she stayed on her medicine properly and stayed rested. The weekend before Sean took her to the playground after I told him she had a cough and was flushed and feverish. I asked him to keep and close eyes out for any changes and to have her inhaler ready. Instead he forgot the inhaler and took her out in the cold without a hat for hours. Her cough was of course worse when she got home and after a whole night of not rest and non stop coughing I was really frazzled and angry. I called him to let her know I took her to the doctor and what they said and he never returned my call. Then he never said anything about her not coming. He finally called five days later to "see how she was doing". I am battling in my head about if my feelings are ungracious. Should I be satisfied he called to check on her at all, even days later or upset at the seemingly lack of concern. I feel like I would be pathetic to be jumping on the scraps of attention he shows any of the kids when it suits him. Yet, I don't wish to be, sour grapes about the effort, any effort that is given. Just like, I am glad he did something fun with Sofie like a real dad would by taking her to the park. I am just exasperated and the lack of judgement in taking her while she is obviously sick.
On other fronts, no changing in the money is tight situation. Maybe a little tighter. Less work this time of year. Trying real hard to not feel helpless. Need to focus on the fact Will is working real hard on his college work. Connor is still doing well emotionally and overall happy. He could improve his school work but he goes to school everyday and does his work. A little more conscientious effort would be nice. I am not going to harp on him about it thought with all the strides he is making. Also, he has a job for pocket money which means no more begging from him. Cade is having a little bit of a rough time. He missed school with the fever and cold we all had and fell a little behind in his school work. He got caught up but was in tears about it all.
The holidays are a rough time though because the boys tend to rehash things in their heads about their dad and get shorter tempers because of that. I totally understand what they are going through. One little holiday snafu occurred when when visiting Sean's family with the kids (I took them) it was mentioned (not sure by whom) that Sean had credited Kathryn for motivating and getting him to go back to college and how grateful he was to her about that. She's a freaking saint, right? Well, the boys looked at me while I said nothing and smiled. Which I think made them mad a me too. They want me to defend myself more than I do but trying to explain to them that the wasted emotional effort to do so is not worth it to me is hard for them to understand. I know a lot to truths but don't need to justify that to people who won't listen anyway. The older boys felt that need however and explained how their dad had already started college before he left and had heard me trying for months to get him to go if he wasn't working and unhappy with his old job. How he had spent their college money to pay for his own first semester and for all the trappings like computer programs and books. How he had said he didn't want to go to college for a career and fail to get a job only to fall back on having to "teach or something". The only thing Kathryn did was convince him to try a career as a teacher he never wanted to do or be in the first place. Is that what he is grateful for? If he should be grateful for anyone why not their mom who helped him fill out forms and helped him with his homework? Why not them who paid for his start even if they hadn't been consulted about it. Silence was pretty deafening I can assure you. Still, I think they were less angry about all that stuff and more the delusion their dad has, the hypocritical attitude and lies. He is never going to get ahead with his relationship with his kids if he keeps saying things like that. Does he think they can't remember? Sean and I did most of his school stuff at the dining room table and hid nothing. He even showed them what he was doing to encourage them to have college as a goal for themselves. Oh well, just another warm holiday faux pas. So, yeah, holiday burn out.
Anyone like Sofie's xmas tattoo face? I would have never let the boys to something like that when they were little. I am not as strict as I used to be on little stuff like that. I won't say it didn't give me a little thrill to send her off to her dad looking like that either..:) Maybe I should dye her hair and give her a fake nose ring? Too passive aggressive? Sofie was also showing off some of her missing teeth. She has a huge gap now with her top teeth missing. I will have to get a photo of that!
I am off for a cup of tea and some tylenol. Haven't been sleeping all that well and need to relax and unwind.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
What have I been doing the past month and a half? Wallowing. Dwelling. Uninspired nothingness. That about sums it up. A real lack of energy to do anything but the bare minimum. Halloween was fun. I wore a pink wig and some glitter makeup and went as "Lady Gaga: the later years", it was a hit. Sofie was a vampire geisha. She was so cute in her outfit. She had glitter instead of white face but she did go with deep red lips and fangs. Connor went trolling with the teens on another island, Cade was a bank robber and Will dressed up as a "sword wielding alien princess" to hand out candy. He went with the princess motif to irritate some of the more "manly" men of the island because Will likes to walk the edge of elder respect and enjoys watching adults squirm uncomfortably. One boy asked Will why he was dressed as a girl and he said. "I am an alien." The kid thought about it for a moment and said, "Cool." His dad wasn't as impressed. I personally found it hilarious. Sofie got two pillowcases full of yummy treats.
November was full of field trips, meetings, work and creative scheduling with Sean. He is testing me again on boundaries and I am finally being smart enough to see his actions for what they are and staying firm. Can I do this? Will I do that? Could I help him out here? Uh. No. I'm not trying to be a witch or anything but he has to figure out his own life and I am not his wife anymore to take care of things for him. He already has a bed warmer to that for him. As long as he fulfills his obligations to the kids I really don't see why I should be more involved. He has been bailing on weekends with Sofie. He already doesn't see the boys so you would think he would cling a bit more to Sofie. Kicking her to the curb this early though is a bit surprising. Then again, she has been quite vocal in her displeasure in going on visits. If he can stay strong and show her he wants her there it should work itself out but he has the spine of a wet tee shirt so I don't see that happening.
Anyway, it's the holidays and they always make me maudlin. I like seeing the kids open presents and everything but when you have very little spare money wise to get them anything it gets pretty depressing. Still, things are better than when Sean first left but still pretty bad. I am glad to have the post office job with a more or less steady income, even if it's small. I love the dollar store. Stocking stuffing has never been easier with that place. I am glad I have been picking up things over the whole year so things won't be so thin.
We had our island party this past Saturday. It was really great and relaxing. The kids play was wonderful. They did a Christmas Carol. Sofie's little buddy Aiden was scrooge and she was his past love and she was crying saying, "You love money more than me!" He lowered his head to his hands and shook his head. It was so funny. They were awesome. Sofie was also the ghost of xmas future. Easy role since she didn't have to say anything and just point. She was also scrooges niece, inviting him to xmas dinner. Small school has to double up roles. She has another play on Monday for the other island school she goes to for art and music. They are doing the Reindeer Whisperer and she is one of the deer. I can't wait to see it.
For now though we are getting over illness. I had a stomach bug Monday and Tuesday. Today I could finally clean my house which looked like a bomb had hit it. I am really run down though. Stinks too because we got all kinds of extra food from the party on Saturday. At least the kids could eat it and I didn't have to cook. Sofie has a bit of a cough and sniffle thing going on so she has been on the couch all day sipping juice and watching cartoons. She is napping now so I know she isn't up to snuff.
So life trauma is moderate. Battling my own down times which are only my own problem. I know it's just me still sad and unhappy from life changes forced upon me I haven't really come to terms with and probably never will. Just letting time do it's thing to make it more tolerable. I can do the happy dance but it is so exhausting to do so. Draining. I still have to deal with Sean doing strange and weird things that make me wonder if his family really gives a crap about him at all to not notice. I just really wish sometimes he would go away and I could wash my hands of the whole bipolar mess. As long as the kids see it, I see it. It affects them so it affects me. Can't have the good without the bad. I want to enjoy the kids childhood and yet want them all grown up so we can wash hands of him, everything. The messes and the emotional drainage.
I'm so glad I am taking vitamin D. I would really be weepy otherwise wouldn't I? I'm off to plan my craft for the kids craft day tomorrow. It will be a nice community thing. As long as no one trips over the hot glue gun cords we should be all set...:)
Sunday, October 30, 2011
I have been doing my best to dodge the weird phone calls from Sean. I answer of course but as soon as I notice something is off with him I try and end things as soon as possible (more so than usual). I have been using email to try and arrange the whole holiday visits schedules. In person he has been agreeable and eager with me but I have been down that road before. He doesn't ask about Cade coming anymore. I can only assume he just figures Cade with come eventually and if not, oh well. Sofie on the other hand the past few months has been getting down right falling into tantrum mode about not wanting to go. It used to be she would cry and complain only to me. I would be stressed and trying to soothe her and by the time Sean would show up to get her she would be fine. Slowly that has changed to where she would seem happy to see him, hug him and turn to me ready to go home. It was like she had an attitude of, "Well, I hugged him, smiled and said hello so now I'm done." Then when she realized she would have to actually go she would cry and whine and say she wanted to go home with me. Sean was finally having to go through what I had have had to deal with from the beginning. Maybe that's a good thing? Maybe she is feeling more comfortable with him? All I know was this Friday was the first time since nearly the beginning of her having to leave that I cried.
We had a field trip this week to Bangor which is about 2 1/2 hours from here. We left on Wednesday to meet up with the other outer island kids and went to the planetarium, had a presentation about the space shuttle and astronauts, went to a rock climbing wall and a challenge course. We spent the nights in cabins by a lake on Wednesday and Thursday and had a Halloween party on Thursday. Even though it was packed with activities it was surprisingly relaxed and the kids had a blast. Sofie was amazing and unafraid scrambling up the rock wall, all harnessed up and repelling down. She got right in there with the older kids and making friends with the two other kindergardeners. On Friday we drove back, she napped and then we had our last swim class. I splurged and got her a happy meal. We talked about her going to Sean's and she was not very happy about it but didn't cry like usual so I made the mistake of thinking things would be at least the same as before or a little better when I dropped her off. She was rested and fed and relaxed from swimming. When she saw Sean some into the bay lines she got up and instead of running to him she ran off before I could stop her and hid behind the benches along the wall where we really couldn't get to her without dragging her by the arm which neither of us wanted to do. I tried talked to Sean calmly telling him about her trip and telling him the usual things he needed to know hoping it would give her time to calm down some. In the end it took us 15 minutes to coax her out. Sean was getting angry and asked me why she was doing this all of a sudden. I told him this wasn't sudden it was only the past few months he was starting to see what I have been telling him about from the beginning. I suppose he just never believed me before. He told me that when he gets her to his house that it's like this stuff never happened. I told him just because she isn't actively crying doesn't mean she isn't still upset. The hardest part for me was when she refused to say good bye to me because she thought if she didn't she wouldn't have to go. So I said good bye instead and she cried and looked at me like I had slapped her. I really felt for the first time I was abandoning her. The look she gave me nearly killed me. Sean had said to me a few minutes before, "Well, aren't you going to say good bye to her?" In a very nasty way as if Sofie's tears were all my fault. This was right after he had been trying to convince her that coming with him would be fun. He had told her he had pizza and that they would go see a movie (which was I'm sure a lie) and wouldn't she like that? Like this? She agreed of course, who wouldn't? Then he said, ok let's go and Sofie said no that she was going with her mommy. I had almost laughed at that because she reminded me of the boys right then. They always got a kick out of Sean trying to bribe them and they saw it for what it was and took what they could but it never once changed their minds about anything and told him so and here she was doing the same thing. Sure I like pizza and the playground and movies. Sure I want to go and eat that and do that...just not with you. This was of course when Sean went from the cruel, here we go again to, nasty. Thankfully he was focused on taking that out on me and how everything was my fault but I didn't care and better me than her. I know I'm not doing anything to turn her against him. When he bails out of visits Sofie doesn't even bat an eye anymore. She shrugs and says he must be busy. Anyway, I said goodbye and could hear her cry and scream for me. It sounded like a kidnapping with her crying how she wanted her mommy. I had a lot of friends there from the island and one of them came up to me and hugged me and I just started to cry right there. She whispered to me that Sofie was walking on her own and everything was ok. I certainly didn't want Sofie to see me upset in anyway and held it together until she couldn't see me. Kids are smart. You can even let them get a sniff of your moods because it affects them. You have to be cold at heart until they are gone. I don't want to influence her in any way. Yesterday, while I was working at the post office everyone who had been there who hadn't spoken to me on the boat that night talked to me about what happened. It was nice to have everyone so concerned for me and Sofie but it was hard because my feelings seemed to be right on the surface. When I wasn't thinking about it I was fine but it would only take a few words and tears were right in my eyes. Small town. I can only hope Sean's odd mood swings stay stable enough to deal with her.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Sofie's reading/video game corner
So Cade is gone for the week on a school trip. He forgot his sleeping bag of course even after I reminded him. I am getting better and shrugging and telling myself it isn't my problem. I did my part after all.
Sofie was supposed to go on a field trip yesterday but we both felt sick. I was crashing after getting only 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night since Saturday. I don't know if I was stressed more than usual or just feeling the cold coming on that kept me up so much. I like that night time cold stuff. It helps.
Connor finally managed to find a job. Not in town though but on a nearby islands boat yard. He will be patching traps and learning how to work on boats. He will work every day he doesn't have to stay after school and weekends. Due to the boat schedule that will mean him staying with a friend on the other island quite often. I am not thrilled but willing to let him try. If he crashes and burns at least he tried. I packed a banana box full of food for him so he won't eat his friend out of house and home. He has a set time every day to call or the job experiment is over and a certain grade he has to maintain for school. He is also seeing his school counselor every single day now. That more than anything has been the most helpful. His mood is good. So, we'll see.
Will is moving right along. He has been making about $1000 a month and also doing side jobs and school work. He could be doing more school work than he is but he'll have more time for that by the end of November. He already is never here on his days off spending time with friends so I am not worried about him cutting off from the world. I don't ask him to pay me rent or anything but he helps me when I ask without complaint, helps with Sofie if I need it and helps with some of the bills like the phone and internet. His brothers complain a bit when he might hog the tv but I tell them he has earned it and since he is rarely home to watch it in the first place they better not whine. He also cooks which is a huge bonus but I know he if didn't already like doing that he wouldn't. One thing about Will is he won't do anything he doesn't want to do. Quite stubborn.
In my quest to update the library to a more modern age I have been fiddling around with ebooks and audiobooks. I have been about going blind with all the free options out there to listen or look at. There is just not enough time in the world to read everything and that makes me sad. I wish I could earn money by reading. I would be filthy rich.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Sofie at Matinicus Island field trip
I find it is rather a good thing work slows down for me this time of year. I have to keep a closer eye on Connor and his moods and it is just so stressful I don't think I could handle anything more. My store job is only one day a week now. The post office job is one sometimes two days a week. My babysitting is spotty at best and the cleaning jobs will be pretty much over after this week. Scary but at least I have something. I am pushing that work/money stress aside and dealing with kids stress now.
As for my own school that is finishing up this week and I am going to take a break from that as well. I am burnt out. I will go back after a semester break. I wanted to cry dealing with this last class. It wasn't hard to figure out but a lot of work and it felt so meaningless. Besides, all the school stuff I want to deal with for the time being is the kids school stuff.
Connor has had trouble again getting to school but me and our support group of counselors and teachers stopped the ball before it got out of control this time and he is back on track. His grades are good but I can see an oncoming obsession with money happening with him again. He gets consumed with one obsession after another and it drives me crazy. Now he want to a job and it's his main focus. In other kids, wanting a job to earn your own money would be a good and responsible thing to do. In Connor it's the start of a guilt trip. He wants money usually because he feel like he owes a lot already and feels guilty. He also never got over the fact he got let go of his lobster job earlier than expected. He had spent his money thinking he would be able to make another $400 or so to tide him over but then he didn't get the work. I warned him that this could happen but who am I, right? I have offered him a few bucks working with me on some cleaning jobs but he always bails at the last minute. I don't offer any more. Will asked him to haul for him this past Saturday so he could go to one of his life breath classes and Connor hemmed and hawed until it was too late. He said no then yes but Will told him he had to know earlier than when Connor told him. I also don't think Connor can handle school and a job at the same time. Especially this time of year. I just feel like everything is holding on by a thread with him.
I was lucky enough to have Sofie for the extra day off here over the holiday. It was a dad weekend but he brought her back early. Not a big shock there. Cade is still not going and I am not sure how this will all play out.
Gotta run, I am going to work on figuring out ebooks and audiobooks for our library computers and how to link the system with the main branch. I should get paid more for this. *sigh*
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Well, I have been a lazy bum when it comes to updating this. It was a busy month. Swim lessons started up again for Sofie. I had a birthday and so did Cade. I can't believe he is twelve now. His dad didn't send a card or anything. He did call once, stuttering and hardly coherent but yet still had the presence of mind to try and blackmail Cade into coming for visits again by holding a birthday present as leverage. He did the same thing to Connor. Cade remembered that and wasn't impressed. Cade also got zip from his grandparents. I so love how Cade is made into a bad guy in al this. Anyway, his brothers and I pooled together and got him a bike. It wasn't anything expensive and very simple with no gears or anything. Just something to get from point A to B and easily fixed.
Sofie and I also went on a school field trip to another island. I posted some pics of the trip. Thankfully no one was seasick but it was close for a few of us. It was a blast. It was also cold since we had to camp in tents. We were both wiped out at the end though.
As for Connor....that is a whole other post.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I can't believe it's been so long since my last post. Things were supposed to slow down right?
Kids are back to school and after a few bumps seem to be doing fine. Cade is trying my patience and is already grounded for a week. He just didn't bother coming home until the late boat yesterday without asking or calling to hang out with friends. We need to nip that trend in the bud. Otherwise he's good. Sofie has been crabby and testing limits. It seems when kids hit that half year mark in age they turn nasty. She's almost 5 1/2 so it has begun. Whining, saying no, not picking up because "she doesn't want to", tattling, crying at the drop of a hat. I almost wish she was at school all day and not half a day. Today is her first full day so she can attend specials. She is excited about that. Connor is doing well so far. He has been open about how his days have been and sharing a lot with Will as well. Fingers crossed. Will is still working and doing school. He was really tired yesterday. He was out for 10 hours and was not pleased when it was around 80 degrees.
I have a full post office day today. Working out how to deal with Sofie was a challenge. I will miss her first swim this season as well because I have to be here at the PO. Another mom is taking her in so Sofie can go to a birthday party afterwords. She will be all hyped up on fish sandwich and cake when Sean picks her up. I am not sad about not seeing him at all. Cade isn't going again so I will have him with his nose to a book this weekend. He has a lot of it to do.
It feels like I am all over the place again. I am still cleaning and at the library for the school and closing it up for winter. I also am doing the store hours. It feels weird. Anyway, I feel too tired to get my school work done a lot. Seasonal allergies I never really knew I had kicked me on Friday. I was sneezing for nearly four hours straight. It was awful.
;;
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