Our Island Family Life

Still, no money in my account. Trying not to get OCD about it. Really though, it can't come soon enough.

I looked up a book on amazon today that has been getting some buzz by the tweens on the boat thinking it might be something to check out for Cade and the library. I haven't been to my account there in ages since I can't afford to buy anything there anyway. I have been there looking up other things before but just not on my own account. Well, I thought to look at the saved to buy later section and I found stuff Sean had saved to buy there. This is my account with my credit card that would be used. I am sure he had forgotten all about it. He has no access to it now anyway. Still, it was a reminder that even though he had his own account that used his own credit card he was saving stuff and buying stuff on mine with me footing the bill. The stuff was saved in 2007, "the summer Sean went ape-shit" as we like to call it over here. I am sure he felt quite liberated to spend as much as he wanted as long as it wasn't his responsibility to pay anything back. I felt so dumb all over again. I wonder how many more unpleasant surprises I am going to find as the years go by? That was one of the things I hated most when he was still here.
Hearing stories from friends about things Sean did with them when I was out of town or something. It wasn't that he did those things. They weren't really bad. It was humiliating to hear from other people who assumed he had told me all this stuff before. I was so ashamed and when I would tell him how it would make me feel he would get angry and defensive about what he did. Trying to tell him it wasn't about what he did it was about him not telling me about it years ago that was hurtful never got though to him. He would just be angry and then I would feel bad. *sigh* I had hoped now that he is gone those days would be over. I am trying not to feel sad this week in general. Lot's of stuff. It certainly doesn't help that the " 1st anniversary" of the divorce is the 9th. One year and he already has the first anniversary of his new marriage coming up next month and a new baby. It's so unreal to me still. It feels so very very wrong.

At the end of the season I get a lot of left overs from people. I rather like it. It saves on the food stamps and I can buy other pantry items I need. Yesterday I set out a munch table in order to rid the fridge of stuff. I have so many carrots I am going to turn orange. The kids (Cade and Sofie) came home on the 7pm boat yesterday and I figured instead of dinner we would do something fun and have the munch spread. We had two kinds of humus, guacamole, salsa, carrots, celery with sides of peanut butter and ranch, two types of crackers, fruit (needed to eat or it was going to go bad) and a cake. I had left over frosting from my birthday cake and I didn't want to waste it so I made another cake...:) Why were Cade and Sofie late? I am an idiot that's why. Sean called and asked if he could bring them on the later boat. Normally I don't mind in the summer but during the school year it's 4pm and that's it. I was in a good mood I guess, or a stupid one and I said it was ok as long as Cade was fine with it. Sean said oh yes he was and thanks a lot. So, the kids came home and Cade was grumpy. He said it was the worst weekend ever. He wished he had come home on the afternoon boat. I was confused (see? stupid.) and said I thought he was ok with coming home later. I told him dad had called and asked me and since I thought maybe Cade had wanted to stay a little later I said yes. Cade said that his dad never even asked him if he wanted to stay later and never asked him if it was ok with him. Cade then said his dad and the "witch" were screaming and fighting all weekend and he was sick of it. cade said she had left to go tutor someone that afternoon and that his dad didn't want to bring Cade, Sofie and the other two girls with him on the boat. He said his dad was grumpy all weekend and was being mean and complaining about how hard his life was that he had to work all day then go to school and he should get a break from having to take care of the baby and kids. Apparently his wife wasn't sympathetic and took her anger out on Cade and was yelling at everyone. She blamed Cade for her daughter and Sofie waking her up in the morning. I guess she thought Cade should have kept them quiet. She kept sending Cade to his room which thrilled him to no end because then he didn't have to spend any time with her or "the beast". Then he said the girl has begun walking in on him while he was dressing again. He was so angry that this time he didn't bother telling his dad and he isn't speaking to the woman so he kicked the girl out of his room and she cried and told her mom. Of course Kathryn was angry and told Cade how awful he was and he asked her if she wanted him walking in on her daughter when she was naked. Of course not! Well, then why is it ok for her daughter to do that to him? She just stormed away without answering and never said boo to her daughter about it. So we'll see what happens. It is looking closer and closer like I might have to call DHHS. *sigh* So, no more being nice and accommodating from me. Set pick up and drop off times and that's it. He can just suck it up. Cade is not wanting to go at all next weekend. I hope given some time to cool off this week if he still doesn't want to go he will be able to talk to his dad rationally. So, the transitions seem to be as hard on the kids as ever. Sofie was fine Sunday night but this morning she was tired and really cranky. She thought if she screamed loud enough she could just get her way with anything. I let her scream and then asked her if she thought screaming would get her milk that we didn't have, or make Aiden move from his spot by the table or whatever. I ignored her and didn't pick her up from the floor she had thrown herself down to. I just stepped over her and did my thing. After three times she learned she wasn't getting what she wanted and has been fine ever since. I guess she does what works for her there and thinks it will work here. ha ha...nope. She has been eating like a pig too. She is a pretty bird like eater so it's good she is eating well but I wonder how hungry she was over there. Well, as long as she fine I guess. Sean of course hasn't emailed me about the weekend but I have given up the ghost on that one. I was supposed to take Sofie on a school field trip today sailing and was really looking forward to it. Sofie however is still not in a stellar mood and I was asked to babysit and I need to money too badly to turn it down. As much as I would have liked to go I feel bad Sofie is missing out.

I mailed out the dental and eye bills to Sean today. I am just not going to think too much about that today. I guess I should fold the laundry instead.

The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next.
Ursula K. LeGuin