Our Island Family Life

Talked with Connor's crew teacher yesterday. She has run a lot of interference with all the other teachers and the social worker and we came up with a plan for Connor. Sadly, he has my perfectionist tendencies which although makes him turn in excellent work he hates to turn it in on time if it isn't up to his standards. That is a workable thing. I should also mention Connor is a slow person. This is a Sean trait and a trait of his paternal grandma. Not slow as in dumb but just in everything he does. Fast paced things are just not him. He moves at his own pace like a turtle and nothing makes him deviate from it. He gets everything accomplished but he has his own world speed. So, the faster pace of high school is something he has to learn to adjust to. Transition to. He isn't bothered in the least about it but he has to learn some compromises. We talked things over, Connor included and chose to drop his French course and give him an extra study hall for his work. He will be with his crew teacher who is also his English teacher and Connor thought it was a good idea too. He is happy with the plan. French is an elective and it won't count against him come credit time. He can take it up again if he wants or take a summer course if he chooses. He still has things to make up and he might be able to pick up a class in the third trimester. We'll see. There are a lot of factors to consider. Staying after school is not a option for him at this point. The long day (7pm home time) is just too much for him while it is dark out. He really has issues with sleep, depression and the dark. Having the extra time in school w/a teacher is a great solution. His incompletes are now passes, except for his science. He has conflicts w/that teacher so even though he has turned in all his work it comes down to if the teacher thinks he understands the concepts or not. If not he will have to take that again next year. He doesn't need four years of science though and they have more interesting courses to take. He loved chemistry so he is looking into that. He could also double up on science next year or even take a summer course. He doesn't need to but he could.

Here is the rub...Sean. I agreed to the change in Connor's schedule because it was the recommendation of the the teachers, the principal and it was what Connor was excited about. Connor didn't agree quickly. He thought about it for two days and weighed pros and cons before he agreed. His crew teacher is very impressed at how he thinks things through first. I can hear Sean now flipping out about a change. What's done is done. Connor had problem with attendance due to his sleep/depression issues. Main problem. He is in active therapy at school and with his own therapist (which was at my instigation, phone calls and convincing Connor this was needed) and so far is doing well. This has enabled him to be productive and he is engaged with working with his teachers and me to maintain himself and fix past problems. I still have a sinking feeling Sean will be pissed he wasn't consulted about the change before it happened. Maybe I should have said something. I dunno. Maybe if he hadn't threatened me I would have. He hasn't said anything to me about it since and he hasn't spoken to the teachers again or the social worker. Connor still isn't speaking to his dad and flat out told the teachers he didn't want his dad involved in any conferences or for them to speak to him without Connor's knowledge. I am glad things are improving for Connor. Even if it's just a week at a time. He has done a full week and is rewarding himself with some time with friends in town on Monday. This was a suggestion of the therapist. Some positive reinforcement. Then he is going to refocus on another full week. Isn't that the whole point? No matter how we get there? The fact Connor is getting back on track and is happy? It may not be enough for Sean I'm afraid. I have considered if it would be easier for Connor to get to school if he lived with his dad since he lives in town. This was a very, very hard thing to think about. I talked to Connor about it. He flat out refused. He said his dad was pressuring him to change schools to the one "the wife" teaches at. He didn't want to see her everyday or happen to have her as a teacher. He also said he knew there was no bed for him or room. He would miss all of us too much even if he fights with us sometimes. That place is just not home and never would be. I also had to think about the fact his dad wouldn't be taking him to therapy, wouldn't consider Connor's mental state or notice the signs that come and go. That is a huge factor to me. So we'll see. I am not trying to count a chicken before it's hatched but I don't think it would be smart not to know there is an egg bomb, waiting.

Day, I've lost count, of waking up with a headache. Swallow Tylenol and moving on. No work today. I should clean the house. I really have no motivation to. It's going to be just me and Sofie all morning. It's been a while since it has been just the two of us. I think I will just spend some one on one time with her. I could take her to my knitting group today. I haven't gone in ages. I think she is old enough to sit and play with the yarn without strangling herself. It will depend on if she behaves today and how my head feels. I have to email Sean today. Not looking forward to that.

So, day three of the one week plan is still on track. Somewhat. Connor has made the boat two days in row and last Friday. It seems small to be viewing it this way but it really is best to do it one day at a time for now. I can see he is putting a lot of effort into making it to school and his work. That is about all the stress he is able to handle. When he gets home his mood is good but he has to have down time almost right away before he can even begin to think about helping out with chores. As it is he is already starting the, "I'll do it." Then it's too late and time for bed. We can NOT skimp on his sleep. Finding balance is going to be an on going struggle for him I think. I asked him to do three things yesterday, bring the folded laundry basket upstairs, put away the clean dishes and bring the trash barrels back from the road. He only brought the laundry upstairs. One thing is better than none. I am trying to not get upset about it. We need to focus on school right now. Yesterday he talked with his crew teacher and she said she would talk to his science teacher about being more responsive to his questions and to be more clear about any missed work. He gets pretty upset when he asks for the work and his only response is a finger pointing to the wall. He does what is there and feels proud then is told he isn't asking for the work and is behind. Then he gets upset. I don't want him feeling like it isn't worth even bothering about when he is trying and is shot down. He said he told her about his dad and he said he felt better about having her being a middle man for him and being in his corner. I told him I had spoken with the social worker and what she had said. I told him there would be a conference before we made any changes. We may not even need to. When I try and look at it in that perspective then him bailing out of a chore or two is on the lower end of the priority list for me. It's something on the back burner to discuss in a later therapy session. I know from Cade the need for down time is VERY important. Cade for example came back from his dad's this weekend and pretty much ignored us for a few hours and zoned out. His mood wasn't angry or unhappy. He just needed some time to himself. His dad didn't even come back on the boat with him but just sent him alone. At least I had a neighbor go with him on Friday when I couldn't be there. Monday morning though he was all in an uproar. He was banging things around and had a headache and was just on the verge of tears. He was saying he hates school and that I know is not true. He loves his school and teacher. I kept him home and we did all his work online with the help of his teacher who also has been there from the very beginning with this mess and knows Cade had trouble adjusting. Today he is back to himself and bounded out the door. When he found out next week he would have to stay an extra day (because of the holiday) he cried. I hope Sean sends them back on Sunday anyway. Most of the time he is pretty selfish about his time and would send them back but he is unpredictable.

I performed surgery today. Sofie's blankey needed some sewing big time. Sofie wanted me to fix "her" but said "she" was afraid. So I told her that I gave her blankey some medicine that makes it so the needled doesn't hurt just like they do at the hospital. Then I told Sofie "she" would be feeling a little tired and sore so Sofie needed to be gentle with her from now on. Sofie was very happy and hasn't let go of "her" since.

We are supposed to be getting a big storm this weekend. I feel so tired and weak there is no way I am shoveling until I get over what ever the heck this is. I feel slightly better but still very tired. I have already taken one nap today and I know my medicine (borrowed) is making me drowsy. I can breathe a little better. I still get completely clogged for a while and that is the worst because I have a hard time swallowing. The stretches of just being normally clogged with some chances of breathing are getting longer.

It snowed today and we are recovering from xmas. Our day started late of course and Sofie was a mess when she got home. Her hair was a disaster and she has exhausted. We had to wait to open presents a while longer until she was able to calm down. She was crying and didn't know what she wanted. Once she was settled a bit we did the present thing. Will got me some tea from a new store. It cost him $25. It was amazing. He brewed a batch for all of us and it was very relaxing. Cade got me a necklace from the school store. He really worked hard earning the money to get presents for all of us. I forgot to mention that when I dropped the kids off Sean gave me some presents for Will and Connor. He never called Will on his birthday. I guess he thought this would make up for it. Will opened his two gifts when I got home. Each of them got two things. So either Will got one birthday, one xmas gift or two xmas gifts and Connor got two xmas gifts. Either way Will got less. Will got a used cd and a gift card. Connor opened one present and saved the other for xmas day. He got a used book. Now, I don't have a problem with used gifts. When you have little money it's very practical. I got all the kids stuff from Goodwill and the dollar store myself. The boys were a bit, I dunno what the right word for it is. They knew full well Sean was buying jewelry and brand new or expensive things for his new family so it was like he was giving them leftovers. It was insulting. What was worse was what Sean gave Connor for his other gift. We laughed about it when he opened it and made jokes but I'm sure he was hurt deep down. Know what it was? It was Connor's hard drive for his xbox. The hard drive his dad used Connor's store points for and earned himself. Sean didn't get Connor anything. He just wrapped something Connor had bought himself. Something Connor didn't even ask his dad to pick up for him or had given him permission to use his points for without Connor being there. So, in the end all he got from his dad for xmas was one used book. How sad is that? Cade said the girl had a whole table full of gifts. Him and Sofie combined had about half of that. It isn't the amount of gifts that bothers the boys. They were very happy with what they got here even though it wasn't much and nothing expensive. It was the fact the things I got fit who they are. They were thoughtful. What bothered them was seeing a physical, outward display from their dad of how much he favors the new family. It really hurts them and I have no xmas spirit for Sean. I would love to see the kids pain physically manifest on Sean. He would be covered in blood. ho. ho. ho. Yes, I am a terrible person. I am feeling very protective mom right now so ...whatever.

So, I think I may be slightly psychic. My day yesterday had a few more bumps. Sean was late getting the kids. I called him twice but he didn't answer the phone. I called the first time because we were early so he could come earlier if he wanted. I left a message. The second time because he was late. I didn't bother leaving a message the second time. While we were waiting Sofie was talking about Sean and using his name. Cade said that his dad was starting to get bugged by her doing that and asked him who at home was telling her to call him by his name. Cade said no one was. We aren't. Sean thinks we coach her into calling him Sean and his wife mean witch. We don't. I told Cade not to worry about it. Then I told him how I used to call my dad by his first name for a while too. I was pretty young. Under seven anyway. I heard everyone else call him that so I did too. Didn't seem weird to me at all. Then my grandma got mad which made me want to do it more. :) Anyway, I outgrew it. I think if Sofie outgrows this phase it will depend on Sean. If he acts like a real dad then that's what she will call him. As I said, she is trying to find out what her family is right now. Observing other families and comparing. She tells people out here a lot that she doesn't have a dad. Wait and see I guess. Then Cade said, "Merry Christmas to me I get to sleep on the floor." I kind of laughed then said, "What?" Then he told me how her parents were coming over for Christmas and he got kicked out of his bed so they could sleep there. I asked him why he didn't just sleep on the couch. He said he asked to but then the little girl cried and said if he did that Santa wouldn't come. So he gets some blankets and the floor. I guess my feeling on that is if you have beds or a couch or something for your kids and they chose to sleep on the floor. So be it. Goodness knows mine have done that. To have something available for them and forcing them to sleep on the floor. That I am not ok with. Still, there is nothing I can do about it.

Yummmm, cake. Will couldn't wait to open his present this morning and he did that before I even had the cake baked. Cade, Connor and I all pooled our money and got him a heated back massage pad you put in a chair. He was very happy. Now after a long day of hauling traps he can shower and relax his muscles. Cade and I made the cake. Lemon with vanilla frosting and sprinkles. I got letter candles (since we were out of regular ones anyway) at the dollar store that spelled out happy birthday. We took a picture of it so I will try and post that another time. Sofie really wanted to blow the candles out but Will beat her to it. It was funny. Then I asked her how old Will was and she said she didn't know. I asked her, "How old are you Sofie?"

So I am finally feeling the late minute crunch. I went shopping yesterday afternoon and got all my stuff done. I do have a few things to pick up for other people who we will be seeing later in the week so I am in no rush. One thing I am really upset about is that I spent actual money on a dvd for the whole family and now I forgot where I hid it. Crap. I have looked in all my usual hiding spots. I have one more place to check but my feet hurt right now so I will do that later. The reason I want to wait is because I know once I start looking around my cleaning bug will hit me and I will wind up "since I'm here already I might as well...." and lose at least an half an hour of my time.

I got a call to unexpectedly work yesterday. It was ironic that the night before thinking I wasn't going to work I stayed up really late reading. I haven't done that in ages. So I was dragging, but grateful. I had been told it would be until 4pm but it turned out to be a half day. Their boat wouldn't start and they had to go into town to get parts and stuff. So a broken car then a broken boat. That really stinks. Plus I also lost 2 and half days work.

I never did say how craft day went did I? Well, it was fun. Sofie was great, behaved and did all the crafts. She made a necklace and threaded the beads all by herself. It was a craft of one the teachers did and she was impressed at Sofie's hand eye coordination. The boy I babysit was there. It is so interesting to see how different he is when he isn't here. When he is here is listens, shares, takes a nap without a fuss and is rather quiet. I mean he is loud in the sense he is always making noise. Car noises and humming or taking but not yelling or screaming, that kind of thing. Well, he was running and loud and trying to touch everything. He tried to take other peoples crafts. His dad was working on a car craft (his mom was working) so I got up and took the crafts he took back from him and put them back on the table. He was not pleased but when he saw it was me taking them he tried to run away. I picked him up and got him working on another craft. I had to redirect him quite a few times and he tried to wiggle away a few times. Ack. So, when he was running and crazy Sofie wanted to do it too. I made her sit. I'm just glad she didn't get too upset since it was her nap time. Otherwise, a good time was had by all.

Yesterday afternoon was a bit crazy. I brought Sofie to the practice which was a mistake because now her cough is worse. Sean did tell me to keep the kids. I wasn't surprised. I made sure it was his choice though. I asked him to send some juice and medicine. He did but we didn't get it until 7pm. Better late than never I suppose. I think he is going to let them stay next weekend too. I wonder if this is because he is thinking of the kids welfare and community ties or just because it's the beginning of not having them come over anymore. I dunno and I don't have the thought capacity to think about it.

Who still has leftovers? We do. Since we went away Friday and Saturday we are a little behind. I am thrilled to be eating them however. I haven't cooked which is good because I have the sniffles. I am hoping it doesn't become a full blown cold. Cade is sick. Just a cold nothing flu like thank goodness. I am tired though. Sofie took a late nap yesterday and was zonked for 4 hours. Then of course she didn't want to go to bed on time and I could understand that. I let her stay up and she quietly watched a movie and we read together while Cade wheezed on the extra bed on my room. I knew I had to get her back into her routine and I had no one to blame but myself. She fell asleep around 11pm. She woke up from her nap at 8pm so I knew she wasn't going to bed any time soon. That late bed time would have been ok but she woke up an hour later screaming that her tongue hurt. She was dreaming. Of course I checked and she was fine. I thought she might have bit herself. She was so upset she threw up. I knew it was coming though and got her to the bathroom. It took an hour to get her back to sleep. I was now wired and on my 3rd wind and didn't fall asleep because I was congested myself. Finally around 2:30 I passed out but I had to work today so I was up early. The older boys are up at 5am and I was kind of in and out of it for a bit then got up just before 6am. It's rainy and cold out. I kept busy cleaning and playing with the little ones because I knew if I sat down I was toast. My charge has left for the day and both Cade and Sofie are napping. She is back on schedule and I am very pleased. I will have to make some turkey soup for Cade. His throat is sore and we are out of chicken noodle soup. He doesn't like tomato. I can't imagine that. I love tomato soup. The older boys used to have it all the time when they were little. I make them a special tomato soup thing they ask for all the time now that they have heartier tastes. I get a family sized can of tomato soup and add ground beef (if I have it, it's still good even if I don't add it), french style green beans (kids will eat them but balk at eating regular beans) and cooked elbow macaroni. I add the elbows to each individual bowl because they absorb the soup really quick and then it gets nasty. If I have left overs I keep the pasta separate. Then they add things to the top like shredded cheese, goldfish or sour cream. They love it. Cade though won't eat the actual soup. He is weird. Raw veggies only for him.

Spent a good portion of the day yesterday visiting Sean's parents so the kids could visit for the holiday. It was interesting. I am too tired, perhaps emotionally drained to include everything that went on. Everyone was happy to see us. Me included which was nice. I was a bit nervous that Sean might show up at any second since the whole family was there except one brother and his family because they live in Colorado. All his sisters, his other brother and the other two grand kids were there. Yet knowing everyone was there Sean didn't come. I learned that there have been weekends when Cade wasn't with Sean but Sofie was that Sean had brought Sofie to either his parents or had one of his sisters bring her to another sisters house. Sofie hadn't said anything to me so I never knew. Why bother taking her at all? Will had mentioned the thing I had posted about my friend and her husbands marriage announcement and that got a lot of responses. I really had to bite my tongue and not say anything. Things were said like how disgusting it was and how if you get out of a long term relationship you should wait at least a year to take care of yourself and your own issues before plunging into another relationship. My mind was screaming, what about Sean? He sure has heck didn't wait a year. Not even one flippin' day. One of his sisters slid her eyes my way and smirked. She was thinking the same thing. Then of course when the kids were all occupied some questions were asked of me about how the kids were doing with their dad and everything. It was tough and I had tears in my eyes quite a few times. I never cried but I would have this really quick sick feeling in the pit of my tummy and bam...instant tears. There was no time for making a conscious choice to not cry. Both of his parents are really upset with him but I can really see the difference in how they are dealing with it. His mom is hoping he will eventually wake up. His dad on the other hand sees if he does it will be years and years before it happens and by then the damage might be too great for repair. They even got into a little argument which I squashed. His mom had said how busy Sean was. He is manic. No doubt. I can't tell them that of course since even though they hate what he is doing they can't cross that line into understanding the mental illness part. I guess he is working his ed tech job. Doing part time work as a coach. Going to school. Going to the gym. Playing in his soccer league and about half a dozen other obligations. He isn't sleeping much. One of his sisters lives with him 5 days a week and is getting an eye opener on his actions. Since in our society mania can be overlooked and even valued until you see the big picture it's really hard to tell some people how off he is. Anyway, his dad just got angry and said his busy life wasn't an excuse. He said, "Are you even listening to Amy? Sean has to make the time to be with his kids. It's so simple. It's like she said if I saw my kids only a few days a month then I would plan my life around those times so I could be with them. They need their father." She agreed and said she didn't mean to imply (but maybe she did) that Sean being busy should be an excuse. She just meant she hoped that when things settled some he would be able to see what he was doing more clearly. I said she had said the same thing about when he finished his two year program. I told them there will always be another reason and another excuse for him. He makes himself busy to not face the reality of his life. The fact of the matter is that right now he has his own life and we have ours and our kids are not a part of his new life. His dad was very sad you could see. He is very proud of the kids and how amazing and grown up they are despite everything. He was sad that Sean was just missing everything. His mom then said she agreed with me and said that the few times they have been to visit him when the kids (Cade and Sofie) were there she could see that. She could see Cade struggling and that they treated Sofie well as far as she could see but Cade was treated more like a tolerated guest and not family. His dad said he was not pleased to see how Kathryn treated Sofie. He said the kids would fight as kids do but instead of talking to them both about their actions she would track Sofie down and make her apologize to her daughter every time while her own child never was scolded at all. He said he would be thinking "what are you doing?" Then his mom said that she saw Sean being very harsh with the girl. I told her I felt that was because he didn't really like her. Sean says he wants them to be a integrated family but then tells Cade that the girl is stupid and an idiot. How is that fostering a healthy family? They both shook their heads. I told them I used to talk to Sean about the abuse the girl was doing to Sofie but when ever I say anything any more it makes things worse for the kids so I stopped. So until the day Sofie comes home with broken bones there is little I can do. I said I did hear the girl was in therapy. They said she is and then his dad said it was obvious that girl needed it. I said it was a shame any of the kids were in therapy. The sole reason for it was because of selfish adult actions. They asked me how I was doing it. Keeping everything going and keeping the kids stable. I said therapy was one thing. I told them Sean was now too busy to come and as a result our sessions ended and he no longer comes to Cade's. I told them what we were working on in sessions. His mom asked if Will and Sean could meet in a session to break the ice for them and I told her the offer was made a long time ago and Sean "didn't have the time". Also Sean spoke with Will's counselor and got angry and never talked to her again. So, Will has made offers, visited with him for 6 months, gave him three chances and told him what Will needs to move forward. Sean hasn't taken Will up on anything. Will has set limits and boundaries and what he needs and that is not him being stubborn it's being honest. If anything he has been more than open when he was at his angriest. Now he is simply resigned and has accepted his fathers current limitations. It takes two people to move forward in a relationship and if Sean wants this he has to do something. His mom said Will has a right to have a father and Will should fight for it. I said I agreed and that Will has. I said Sean has a right to have his son and he should fight for it as well but does he? Has he? The bottom line is that there has been a severe breach of trust between them and the only way for it have a chance to be repaired is for Sean to show consistency and stability in his actions and not with words and empty promises with Will. Sean's dad agreed completely. He said one big thing he had dealt with in his own therapy is when he was told that the harder he fought to not be like his dad the more like him he became. He said when he looks at Sean he sees himself. He knows Sean isn't even close to doing what he needs to do for himself or the kids. He sees him just talking the talk but it is hollow and he lies to himself. He said he has tried to talk with him but Sean evades him. He said when he was told that in therapy he didn't understand it at all. It took a long time for him to understand and to stop blaming others for his mistakes and his unhappiness. He sees Sean blaming others. His mom said she did too. He is still blaming his dad and now me. They said how much of a shame it was he was doing this to me. I shrugged. There is nothing I can do about it. It is a shame. It sucks. I have empathy for him. It's sad but the longer he is away from us the more it is an empathy for anyone who is ruining their lives and not for someone I love. I told them I let the kids cry and vent and tell them I love them but sometimes that makes it worse. To see how one parent loves them and struggles and protects them and they can't help but compare even when I don't say anything. I told them we are still trying to find a new normal. His mom said how it's been a while. I told her not really. I have only been divorced a year. The time we were separated I had hope. Not to mention it is a full time job dealing with issues that should be resolved. I have to deal with child support issues. She asked what I meant. I said I have to deal with DHHS to collect child support because Sean isn't consistent (I tried to be tactful) I also have upcoming court issues that deal with contempt and taxes and it is a lot of stress. I said basically that again the bottom line is I do everything for the kids. I am alone. Sean does nothing to support them in any capacity. Even with the child support I don't feel he should get credit for that because I am the one doing all the work to make sure it's even paid. It isn't child support it is money I earned for them. As for emotional support, that's obvious. He does nothing for them school wise, no talks about religion, nothing, nada, zip. It's scary knowing that how your kids turn out is because of you. I think I am doing ok. I could be like Sean though and just blame all their faults on him right....ha.

My night with friends last Friday almost didn't happen. I had taken the morning boat with Cade and Sofie because Cade had therapy at 9am. It was a long day. I did some food shopping and sent it home for Connor to take care of in the afternoon. Then we hit a few different Goodwill's and did some xmas shopping. Cade got all the presents he wanted to get for others. I had emailed Sean on Thursday asking if he could pick the kids up around 3:30 or 4pm so the ladies and I could have dinner before we went to the movie. Sean said he couldn't be there any earlier than 5pm (the usual time is 5:30) because of his classes. Well, that was interesting. I wasn't upset about it but I did note that he had said before that after swim lessons were over he could come to some of Cade's therapy sessions after I said I would try and move them to the afternoon. Now it seems it was all hot air. The last boat of the day is 5:45 there is no way we could have a later session and make it home. So, now I know for sure. I kinda knew Sean was never going to come back into therapy with Cade but, there it is. So we are waiting at the bay lines at 5pm for Sean and he's not there. I figured he would be late. He always is. When the normal time of 5:30 rolls around and he still isn't there I am starting to panic a bit. If he doesn't show up then I will have to go home with the kids and there goes my one night I have been waiting for. Not to mention the others had gone on ahead already. I called him and he said he had been on his way to come and tell me he wasn't going to take the kids this weekend. He had only emailed me yesterday saying he would so I was not pleased at the late notice. Cade was thrilled and grabbed his ticket and sprinted to the boat. In the end I had another mom watch Sofie for the night and I was able to see the movie and have dinner. It worked out but only by luck. Another odd thing I have been thinking of is this vacation. The kids are with me. It is all according to schedule. I thought for sure Sean would argue. After all he was supposed to have them last year but got into a fight with me about it instead and in the end didn't take them. I thought Mr. Tit for Tat would say he should have them since I did last year. He didn't. Not a peep. Of course today is his 1st anniversary with the "mean mean witch". Lucky him. I suppose that might explain him not saying anything. Maybe he is letting go finally, a little bit. As in fighting with me. I never once thought it was really about his desire to have the kids in the first place. He has his life and we have ours. He did call the day before yesterday and asked me if he could pick up Connor after school on Tuesday for the afternoon. I told him he had to ask Connor. If Connor wanted to see him then as long as I know what's going on it was fine. I gave the phone to Connor. Connor told him he would call him back. Connor never did and never went. Now I guess Sean is on the receiving end of the maybes and I'll call you backs and the oh, I forgot. I am staying out of it. They have to work it out themselves. Unless Sean puts more effort into it like say, more than one phone call every few months and shows some consistency it might turn around. I really doubt it though.

Ok, the school guidance counselor came out to the island today. It's been a while since she has been here. She came to the house and we had some one on one time (which was really great for me) and I was able to catch her up on how Cade was doing. She brought us a food card as a Thanksgiving treat which was really nice. She was really impressed at my commitment at keeping the kids in therapy even with the extra effort of having to bring them in town. Not easy I can tell you.

I am concerned about Cade. He was very upset last night. He cried for an hour and a half and in the end came away with a huge headache. He woke up with it this morning and is home now. I think he will be fine for school this afternoon. He was ok when he came home from the visit but Sean brought them home late and it was only an hour before bed time. Sean hadn't fed them and I didn't know until it was 1o minutes before bed. I am so stupid sometimes to assume he would take care of them properly. Connor hadn't eaten either but not because there wasn't food or anything. He was just being a teen. I told him he HAD to be in bed by 8pm and he HAD to eat. I am such and awful mom aren't I? I let Will stay up until 9pm if he wants but since Connor missed the boat twice for sleeping too late he has the 8pm rule. He was ok with that but he put off eating until 1o minutes before bed just like Cade. I told him he could warm up leftovers, have a bowl of cereal or make a sandwich. He was all attitude. I wasn't very happy. He just kept pushing and wouldn't stop opening his mouth to have the last word. I finally told him he needed to simply eat and go to bed in silence. Connor said, "oh I can't have feelings? I can't get angry?" He was shaking and looked furious and had tears running from his eyes. I said he was entitled to feel anything he wanted to feel. I wasn't however going to be the verbal punching bag for those feelings. It is disrespectful and rude and I simply am not allowing anyone to treat me that way. Not a stranger and not from family. I said I was well aware he was trying to push my buttons even if HE wasn't and it would be best if he stopped talking if he had nothing nice to say. I told him I needed to leave the room because I was so angry it was the best thing for both of us. He was quiet after that. Cade of course was right under foot for that and was making a sandwich. He had wanted a bowl of cheese balls and I had said no. It was almost bedtime and it was an obvious no. He got mad at me and yelled and said he was hungry. That was how I found out he hadn't had dinner. I had fed Sofie earlier because she had said she was hungry and Cade was upstairs when I fed her. It didn't occur to me to ask him (duh me) if she was hungry from not having dinner because she always comes home hungry. So, anyway, I told Cade the same thing I told Connor and he chose to make a sandwich since it was too late to cook something before bedtime. He ate then went to the bathroom. He was in there for a while. Connor had gone to bed. Will had fallen asleep on the couch so I left him there. He was all cozy and I didn't want to wake him. Sofie was in the spare bed in my room quietly watching a movie. It was now 10 past 8pm. I had gotten myself together and checked on Cade. He was crying. I had him come out and got a box of tissues and had him snuggle with me. I asked him if he could tell me what was wrong. During the thing with Connor I had said something that made Cade sad. I had said to Connor that all I wanted for him was to be healthy. To have food in his stomach and to be well rested for school. I know that seemed kind of stupid to him but that was my job and if he was mad at me for it then so be it. I didn't like it and it hurt but I loved him and wanted him to be ok. Cade said it made him sad because I was willing to be hurt and put Connor first. He said he knew I loved them. I wasn't sure why that was such a sad thing but didn't say anything. Then he got real mad and said how he had a horrible weekend. How he felt that his dad had cut Will and Connor out of his life. He never talks about them, mentions them, never tells other adults they even exist when he is asked about his kids. Some adults Sean has as friends now don't even know about Will and Connor. Cade said when he got there this weekend they had finally moved the bunk beds from his room, which were supposed to be for him and his brothers, and put them in the girls room. They took out the bed Sofie used and now she shares the bunk bed with the girl. The baby is in there as well in a crib. Cade got the girls old bed but his aunt is the one who uses it. She is there during the week to babysit the baby. No daycare for them. All of his aunts things are in his room. His stuff was moved and shoved into one corner. He said he felt like they are just getting ready to kick him out completely. He has no real space of his own. He tried to talk with his dad a few times this weekend but Sean either left the house or went to the bathroom. Every time his dad left the woman said really mean things to him. Cade was upset about the attention the girl was getting this weekend. It was her birthday and he was fine with that. She got two parties. One on Friday with "family" and one on Sunday with her friends. His cousin never showed up so he was alone. She got 8 presents. One for each year. It was a tradition I guess. Cade said how next year he should get 11 then. Kathryn said no because he wouldn't be there anyway. I have no idea if he will be or not. I didn't check the calendar. His dad was right there the whole time. Cade said to them he only got 2 presents this year. He should have gotten 10 right? She told him he didn't get them because he chose not to be there. He skipped out on that weekend. Cade was furious. He said he didn't. I had to think back and I remembered that his birthday was on a Friday that he had a weekend at home with me. We went to see my mom. He didn't skip out or call to stay with me. It was just the regular schedule. Then the following weekend he was there and I ran into Sean and the kids (OUR kids) at the store that Friday and Sean got a cake for him. Cade had been worried his dad would have forgotten his birthday altogether and thought he wasn't going to get anything from him. He was happy his dad got him the two gifts and the cake. Then he saw what she was getting. The parties and all the gifts. Kathryn told him he should just deal with it since he is ten. How stupid can they be? It's not about the amount of gifts at all. Cade cried and said how his dad loves Kathryn and the girl more than him and he is his own son. His dad said he would put him first but never sticks up for him. Always believes Kathryn over him. Lets her say mean things to him and lies to his face. How every single action his dad does just proves it over and over again and how his dads words mean nothing to him anymore. He said he felt half cut out of his dad's life already. I asked him if he thought going to see his dad more often would help? He said no. He said he felt like he had hardly any family on his dad's side anymore. He said his uncle and cousin and one aunt were all he had that talked to him and understood how he felt. The others are nice to Kathryn and believe her lies and phony surface. He said he couldn't believe he was going to say this but that his dad might be too good for her. Then after a pause he said maybe his dad was getting exactly what he deserved. Whoa. I just didn't know what to say. I was kinda numb through most of it. I was really furious for some of it. I thought about wanting to call Sean and ask to sit with him face to face and talk about this. Talk with Sean's parents and ask them to be more understanding. In the end I'm not going to. I might talk with them casually in the future but I don't think it will do any good. They want to please everyone and you just can't do that. As for Sean, well, if I say anything it will make things worse. He will just do the opposite out of spite. Also, as hard as it is, Sean and Cade have to be the ones who talk to each other about this. This is their relationship for better or worse. As much as I want to be a peacemaker, as much as I want Cade to stop hurting, as much as Sean might benefit from my insight into our sons feelings it means nothing if Sean doesn't do this himself. Cade asked if he could stop going there when he was 12. I said that it was an option but he shouldn't worry about that right now. He should should just focus on the now and trying to make the best of what is sometimes a bad situation. Cade said he would but he really wanted to know if he had an out, if he didn't then he would feel really depressed. That worried me. I don't want him feeling depressed because of his dad. Cade was saying how his life sucked and how his friends all have great lives and get to go places and he never can do anything anymore because of his dad. I told him I loved him and he cried and said he knew that. Right now Cade is quiet and and playing a game. He is pretty subdued even when he seems happy. He is off but that could just be his headache. I am glad Cade has therapy this week. Not that Sean goes anymore. I better make lunch now.