Our Island Family Life

Ok, let's start with some good stuff. Connor had his therapy session (finally) yesterday. It went really well. I least I think it did..lol. Anyway, we talked about goals and Connor was asked point blank "what do you want?". He wants to go to school, likes school, likes his teachers (except one), has made friends. So, what is the problem? It is something that also concerns him. Is it his age? The need for extra sleep? He is getting nine hours a night as it is and then cat napping as well during the day. Is it the season and dark hours? Is it slight depression? That is why we are there. All of this in the hopes he will miss fewer days which will help to not burden him with extra work later. Connor is simply fortunate that he is smart enough that he catches up quickly without even putting much effort. I explained all the different strategies Connor and I have tried. Something might work for a while then not anymore so we try again. Consequences for somethings, positive reinforcement in others. All the while he has taken the initiative to see what he needs to make up and does it. The school work isn't the underlying problem so we are focusing on Connor's needs and his sleep issues. I can see another sleep study might be needed. It was nice for me anyway to see the therapist stress some of the same things to Connor I have. Eating a good breakfast, getting to bed early, have a routine, get as much done the night before. We discussed maybe taking a shower in the morning to help wake him up since even when he gets up he is like a zombie and is unresponsive. Showers aren't good though because he is in there forever and doesn't leave in time. I have to shut the furnace off and run the water to get him out. In the end we made a plan and set a date to come back and discuss how it went, plus and minus. I really wanted Connor to know I trust him and that I didn't want to micro manage his life for him. I wanting him to be able to apply himself and take personal responsibility for himself and his actions. I would be his support and guide but I wasn't going to be his alarm and I wasn't going to drag him by the ear down to the boat and get him on it. He is going to be 15 this month. The therapist told him that really the ball is in his court. He has to be the one who wants to do this if it's going to work. He has a goal of one week without a missed day and if he does it he can reward himself. I threw in that he wouldn't have to do dishes (his least favorite chore) and he could chose something else. Soooo.....I was feeling good. Connor was feeling good and excited. I got home and emailed Sean about when to pick up the kids. I told him Sofie had the sniffles and asked if he could get them a little early. The reason I asked was because at the last minute Will needed for me to drive him to the college campus for a 9am test. He needed to take it so he could take a course offered by the college at his school. That meant I had to take Sofie with me in town again on the 6:10am boat and I knew she would be exhausted especially since she started getting a runny nose on Thursday. He emailed me back at 8:30pm saying he couldn't then went on a long rant about Connor and the bottom line in it was that he was going to petition the court to have Connor live with him. Oh. My. God. He said he had a good case since I wasn't honoring the visitation agreement concerning Connor and that Connor isn't calling him. He said I wasn't allowing him to see Sean and that his grades were bad. Well, even though I am concerned about Connor grades I want to be clear and say it isn't like he is failing all his classes or anything. He has stuff to make up in biology and that's it. So, all my good feelings for the day and feeling like we made some real progress went down the tubes. I was just beside myself and fighting off tears. He of course cc'd this to Connor. I didn't respond to the email and after thinking about this all day I'm not going to. If he wants to to it then let him ans we'll go from there. I didn't want to engage him in conflict and after I went to DHHS today I think he might just be doing this out of anger with me. More on that later. So Connor and I had a nice chat about it this morning on the boat ride in. He told me he would again talk with his bio teacher and if that didn't work (he has a problem communicating with her) he would go to the principal and get some help there. He also told me not to worry about dad. He said he didn't like how his dad tried to "overpower me with his attitude". I told him I was ok but Connor said he was glad I was giving him a chance and that he never told his dad he wasn't allowed to see him and that made him angry. I played devil's advocate and reminded him there was one time I told him no and that was on a day when he missed school. I told him if he was too sick to go to school he was too sick to go to his dad's and that if he felt better the next day then if it was ok with his dad then he could go. Connor simply chose not to go the next day even though he felt fine. Connor remembered. I told him it was possible he had told his dad he wasn't allowed (he had been on the phone with him at the time I said no) but didn't mention the circumstances (sick, next day ok) to him. If he did that then it was entirely possible his dad blew it out of proportion which he does a lot. That wasn't Connor's fault of course and he had no control of how other people perceive things but knowing his dad and his illness it should be considered and to not get too angry with him. His dad wasn't calling Connor a liar outright and I was used to his dad thinking I was trying to keep all of them away from him. I told him that we all know that isn't the case and I couldn't control his dad's feelings about it. Connor shouldn't either. I told him all he needed to do was focus on his school work and what we discussed in therapy. I told him he did well that morning and he was one step closer to his one week goal. Tonight Connor told me he spoke with his math teacher and told him if he had an issue with him and his work to bring it to him and not to discuss it with his father. He told him what was going on and that it was stress he didn't need. His teacher told him he would make some time next week and they could really sit down and have a talk. Connor felt good about that. He said his bio teacher said she was busy. I told him to not bother with her anymore and go straight to the principal. If he has to take bio next year w/a different teacher than fine. There are always options, the hard part is finding them. He was proud of himself for trying and I was glad he was feeling good. On a side note of good? things Connor has a girl calling him today. She has called three times and he said there are four other girls who like him right now. He seemed very embarrassed, yet pleased.

Isn't this the worst calendar ever? I could never just pop only one day. Bubble wrap is worse than Lays potato chips. I really could eat just one but bubble wrap is my Achilles heel.

We are supposed to be getting a big storm this weekend. I feel so tired and weak there is no way I am shoveling until I get over what ever the heck this is. I feel slightly better but still very tired. I have already taken one nap today and I know my medicine (borrowed) is making me drowsy. I can breathe a little better. I still get completely clogged for a while and that is the worst because I have a hard time swallowing. The stretches of just being normally clogged with some chances of breathing are getting longer.

So, I think I may be slightly psychic. My day yesterday had a few more bumps. Sean was late getting the kids. I called him twice but he didn't answer the phone. I called the first time because we were early so he could come earlier if he wanted. I left a message. The second time because he was late. I didn't bother leaving a message the second time. While we were waiting Sofie was talking about Sean and using his name. Cade said that his dad was starting to get bugged by her doing that and asked him who at home was telling her to call him by his name. Cade said no one was. We aren't. Sean thinks we coach her into calling him Sean and his wife mean witch. We don't. I told Cade not to worry about it. Then I told him how I used to call my dad by his first name for a while too. I was pretty young. Under seven anyway. I heard everyone else call him that so I did too. Didn't seem weird to me at all. Then my grandma got mad which made me want to do it more. :) Anyway, I outgrew it. I think if Sofie outgrows this phase it will depend on Sean. If he acts like a real dad then that's what she will call him. As I said, she is trying to find out what her family is right now. Observing other families and comparing. She tells people out here a lot that she doesn't have a dad. Wait and see I guess. Then Cade said, "Merry Christmas to me I get to sleep on the floor." I kind of laughed then said, "What?" Then he told me how her parents were coming over for Christmas and he got kicked out of his bed so they could sleep there. I asked him why he didn't just sleep on the couch. He said he asked to but then the little girl cried and said if he did that Santa wouldn't come. So he gets some blankets and the floor. I guess my feeling on that is if you have beds or a couch or something for your kids and they chose to sleep on the floor. So be it. Goodness knows mine have done that. To have something available for them and forcing them to sleep on the floor. That I am not ok with. Still, there is nothing I can do about it.

Yummmm, cake. Will couldn't wait to open his present this morning and he did that before I even had the cake baked. Cade, Connor and I all pooled our money and got him a heated back massage pad you put in a chair. He was very happy. Now after a long day of hauling traps he can shower and relax his muscles. Cade and I made the cake. Lemon with vanilla frosting and sprinkles. I got letter candles (since we were out of regular ones anyway) at the dollar store that spelled out happy birthday. We took a picture of it so I will try and post that another time. Sofie really wanted to blow the candles out but Will beat her to it. It was funny. Then I asked her how old Will was and she said she didn't know. I asked her, "How old are you Sofie?"

Work for today was cancelled again. Her car was fixed and they took the train down to pick it up today. So it's a wash. Tomorrow isn't happening because they are doing their xmas shopping instead.

Just one of those days. I woke up tired but felt I had a lot to do. I did things that don't require much thought because my mind was otherwise occupied in being down on itself. Cade was feeling bad and it was showing up in sickness symptoms. I gave him a lot of attention and by mid morning he was feeling better. He is back at school now. I guess it wasn't just me feeling sad today. Sofie has been a good girl and I am grateful. The house is cleaned and picked up. I think I was overtired and it made me have bad dreams last night which is why I kept waking up all night. I don't remember much but I do know the last one was about Sean. I woke up I think more emotionally tired than physically so. I am glad not have to to have anything to do with him for at least a week. In the back of my mind though I am afraid he will call. My fear really isn't about him and more of the stress I feel when I have to deal with him. Not knowing what I am going to have to handle and what kind of person he will be presenting himself as for the day.

Last night was our island christmas party. I was only stressed a few times during the day. Cade lost his dress socks. I had bought two brand new pair of dress socks and he only had one sock. Not even a single pair. I did manage to find another one but the other pair is probably in Narnia or something. It is really windy and cold and my car is a lost cause so we were getting a ride. Connor chose to shower as we were getting ready to go. I left him behind. He had to walk. I had to be there half an hour before the dinner started to help out. Over all things were great. We had company. We all got to sit together. There was little stress getting the meal out. We had done salads earlier in the day and had fun with all the other island ladies. Joking was nice.

Which is rearing it's ugly head again? The bipolar or the crappy father/ex-husband? Mixture of both is my guess.

So, I will try and put up some kind of holiday related picture from now until Christmas in honor of the season. Wait....that's not coal!

Yesterday afternoon was a bit crazy. I brought Sofie to the practice which was a mistake because now her cough is worse. Sean did tell me to keep the kids. I wasn't surprised. I made sure it was his choice though. I asked him to send some juice and medicine. He did but we didn't get it until 7pm. Better late than never I suppose. I think he is going to let them stay next weekend too. I wonder if this is because he is thinking of the kids welfare and community ties or just because it's the beginning of not having them come over anymore. I dunno and I don't have the thought capacity to think about it.

I sent Sean an email today telling him the kids were sick and asked him what he wanted to do about me bringing the little ones to town or not. I don't know what he will say. I am just going to prepare to take them in on the 4pm boat and let them at least rest most of the day tomorrow. I felt horrible this morning. I was dizzy and really tired. I had some protein and some fluids and I was right as rain. Colds always make me feel like that. Plus, I slept really well last night so I didn't want to get up. Work got postponed then canceled. That sucked. I am getting a few hours tomorrow. I am glad I can do it from home and still be with the sickos.

Now Will and Connor are sick. Will has a nasty cough but Connor is just stuffy so I think he can fight it off. That is the same stage as me. Other than being tired I am only stuffy. Sofie had a fever yesterday but it's almost normal now. Cade is grumpy and still stuffed. They are all home today and are getting on my nerves. The squabbling. Someone save me. I have confined them to beds and that has helped.

My night with friends last Friday almost didn't happen. I had taken the morning boat with Cade and Sofie because Cade had therapy at 9am. It was a long day. I did some food shopping and sent it home for Connor to take care of in the afternoon. Then we hit a few different Goodwill's and did some xmas shopping. Cade got all the presents he wanted to get for others. I had emailed Sean on Thursday asking if he could pick the kids up around 3:30 or 4pm so the ladies and I could have dinner before we went to the movie. Sean said he couldn't be there any earlier than 5pm (the usual time is 5:30) because of his classes. Well, that was interesting. I wasn't upset about it but I did note that he had said before that after swim lessons were over he could come to some of Cade's therapy sessions after I said I would try and move them to the afternoon. Now it seems it was all hot air. The last boat of the day is 5:45 there is no way we could have a later session and make it home. So, now I know for sure. I kinda knew Sean was never going to come back into therapy with Cade but, there it is. So we are waiting at the bay lines at 5pm for Sean and he's not there. I figured he would be late. He always is. When the normal time of 5:30 rolls around and he still isn't there I am starting to panic a bit. If he doesn't show up then I will have to go home with the kids and there goes my one night I have been waiting for. Not to mention the others had gone on ahead already. I called him and he said he had been on his way to come and tell me he wasn't going to take the kids this weekend. He had only emailed me yesterday saying he would so I was not pleased at the late notice. Cade was thrilled and grabbed his ticket and sprinted to the boat. In the end I had another mom watch Sofie for the night and I was able to see the movie and have dinner. It worked out but only by luck. Another odd thing I have been thinking of is this vacation. The kids are with me. It is all according to schedule. I thought for sure Sean would argue. After all he was supposed to have them last year but got into a fight with me about it instead and in the end didn't take them. I thought Mr. Tit for Tat would say he should have them since I did last year. He didn't. Not a peep. Of course today is his 1st anniversary with the "mean mean witch". Lucky him. I suppose that might explain him not saying anything. Maybe he is letting go finally, a little bit. As in fighting with me. I never once thought it was really about his desire to have the kids in the first place. He has his life and we have ours. He did call the day before yesterday and asked me if he could pick up Connor after school on Tuesday for the afternoon. I told him he had to ask Connor. If Connor wanted to see him then as long as I know what's going on it was fine. I gave the phone to Connor. Connor told him he would call him back. Connor never did and never went. Now I guess Sean is on the receiving end of the maybes and I'll call you backs and the oh, I forgot. I am staying out of it. They have to work it out themselves. Unless Sean puts more effort into it like say, more than one phone call every few months and shows some consistency it might turn around. I really doubt it though.

I am concerned about Cade. He was very upset last night. He cried for an hour and a half and in the end came away with a huge headache. He woke up with it this morning and is home now. I think he will be fine for school this afternoon. He was ok when he came home from the visit but Sean brought them home late and it was only an hour before bed time. Sean hadn't fed them and I didn't know until it was 1o minutes before bed. I am so stupid sometimes to assume he would take care of them properly. Connor hadn't eaten either but not because there wasn't food or anything. He was just being a teen. I told him he HAD to be in bed by 8pm and he HAD to eat. I am such and awful mom aren't I? I let Will stay up until 9pm if he wants but since Connor missed the boat twice for sleeping too late he has the 8pm rule. He was ok with that but he put off eating until 1o minutes before bed just like Cade. I told him he could warm up leftovers, have a bowl of cereal or make a sandwich. He was all attitude. I wasn't very happy. He just kept pushing and wouldn't stop opening his mouth to have the last word. I finally told him he needed to simply eat and go to bed in silence. Connor said, "oh I can't have feelings? I can't get angry?" He was shaking and looked furious and had tears running from his eyes. I said he was entitled to feel anything he wanted to feel. I wasn't however going to be the verbal punching bag for those feelings. It is disrespectful and rude and I simply am not allowing anyone to treat me that way. Not a stranger and not from family. I said I was well aware he was trying to push my buttons even if HE wasn't and it would be best if he stopped talking if he had nothing nice to say. I told him I needed to leave the room because I was so angry it was the best thing for both of us. He was quiet after that. Cade of course was right under foot for that and was making a sandwich. He had wanted a bowl of cheese balls and I had said no. It was almost bedtime and it was an obvious no. He got mad at me and yelled and said he was hungry. That was how I found out he hadn't had dinner. I had fed Sofie earlier because she had said she was hungry and Cade was upstairs when I fed her. It didn't occur to me to ask him (duh me) if she was hungry from not having dinner because she always comes home hungry. So, anyway, I told Cade the same thing I told Connor and he chose to make a sandwich since it was too late to cook something before bedtime. He ate then went to the bathroom. He was in there for a while. Connor had gone to bed. Will had fallen asleep on the couch so I left him there. He was all cozy and I didn't want to wake him. Sofie was in the spare bed in my room quietly watching a movie. It was now 10 past 8pm. I had gotten myself together and checked on Cade. He was crying. I had him come out and got a box of tissues and had him snuggle with me. I asked him if he could tell me what was wrong. During the thing with Connor I had said something that made Cade sad. I had said to Connor that all I wanted for him was to be healthy. To have food in his stomach and to be well rested for school. I know that seemed kind of stupid to him but that was my job and if he was mad at me for it then so be it. I didn't like it and it hurt but I loved him and wanted him to be ok. Cade said it made him sad because I was willing to be hurt and put Connor first. He said he knew I loved them. I wasn't sure why that was such a sad thing but didn't say anything. Then he got real mad and said how he had a horrible weekend. How he felt that his dad had cut Will and Connor out of his life. He never talks about them, mentions them, never tells other adults they even exist when he is asked about his kids. Some adults Sean has as friends now don't even know about Will and Connor. Cade said when he got there this weekend they had finally moved the bunk beds from his room, which were supposed to be for him and his brothers, and put them in the girls room. They took out the bed Sofie used and now she shares the bunk bed with the girl. The baby is in there as well in a crib. Cade got the girls old bed but his aunt is the one who uses it. She is there during the week to babysit the baby. No daycare for them. All of his aunts things are in his room. His stuff was moved and shoved into one corner. He said he felt like they are just getting ready to kick him out completely. He has no real space of his own. He tried to talk with his dad a few times this weekend but Sean either left the house or went to the bathroom. Every time his dad left the woman said really mean things to him. Cade was upset about the attention the girl was getting this weekend. It was her birthday and he was fine with that. She got two parties. One on Friday with "family" and one on Sunday with her friends. His cousin never showed up so he was alone. She got 8 presents. One for each year. It was a tradition I guess. Cade said how next year he should get 11 then. Kathryn said no because he wouldn't be there anyway. I have no idea if he will be or not. I didn't check the calendar. His dad was right there the whole time. Cade said to them he only got 2 presents this year. He should have gotten 10 right? She told him he didn't get them because he chose not to be there. He skipped out on that weekend. Cade was furious. He said he didn't. I had to think back and I remembered that his birthday was on a Friday that he had a weekend at home with me. We went to see my mom. He didn't skip out or call to stay with me. It was just the regular schedule. Then the following weekend he was there and I ran into Sean and the kids (OUR kids) at the store that Friday and Sean got a cake for him. Cade had been worried his dad would have forgotten his birthday altogether and thought he wasn't going to get anything from him. He was happy his dad got him the two gifts and the cake. Then he saw what she was getting. The parties and all the gifts. Kathryn told him he should just deal with it since he is ten. How stupid can they be? It's not about the amount of gifts at all. Cade cried and said how his dad loves Kathryn and the girl more than him and he is his own son. His dad said he would put him first but never sticks up for him. Always believes Kathryn over him. Lets her say mean things to him and lies to his face. How every single action his dad does just proves it over and over again and how his dads words mean nothing to him anymore. He said he felt half cut out of his dad's life already. I asked him if he thought going to see his dad more often would help? He said no. He said he felt like he had hardly any family on his dad's side anymore. He said his uncle and cousin and one aunt were all he had that talked to him and understood how he felt. The others are nice to Kathryn and believe her lies and phony surface. He said he couldn't believe he was going to say this but that his dad might be too good for her. Then after a pause he said maybe his dad was getting exactly what he deserved. Whoa. I just didn't know what to say. I was kinda numb through most of it. I was really furious for some of it. I thought about wanting to call Sean and ask to sit with him face to face and talk about this. Talk with Sean's parents and ask them to be more understanding. In the end I'm not going to. I might talk with them casually in the future but I don't think it will do any good. They want to please everyone and you just can't do that. As for Sean, well, if I say anything it will make things worse. He will just do the opposite out of spite. Also, as hard as it is, Sean and Cade have to be the ones who talk to each other about this. This is their relationship for better or worse. As much as I want to be a peacemaker, as much as I want Cade to stop hurting, as much as Sean might benefit from my insight into our sons feelings it means nothing if Sean doesn't do this himself. Cade asked if he could stop going there when he was 12. I said that it was an option but he shouldn't worry about that right now. He should should just focus on the now and trying to make the best of what is sometimes a bad situation. Cade said he would but he really wanted to know if he had an out, if he didn't then he would feel really depressed. That worried me. I don't want him feeling depressed because of his dad. Cade was saying how his life sucked and how his friends all have great lives and get to go places and he never can do anything anymore because of his dad. I told him I loved him and he cried and said he knew that. Right now Cade is quiet and and playing a game. He is pretty subdued even when he seems happy. He is off but that could just be his headache. I am glad Cade has therapy this week. Not that Sean goes anymore. I better make lunch now.

I had company this weekend and now I am waiting for the kids to come home. Will and Connor of course were here. Will didn't have to work this weekend so he was able to spend time with all of us. He cooked a really tasty stir-fry and we played games and watched funny things on the computer. Sounds dull but we had a relaxing time. We even toasted mini marshmallows on toothpicks over little tea lights while we played cards. Connor said we were crazy but it was fun. I also noticed us being crazy didn't stop him from doing it too.

I did my linens yesterday in preparation for my company this weekend. Also, since Sofie was sick I had to do her sheets anyway. I really loved going to bed last night. My sheets felt so nice and smelled so good. I always love that feeling.

I swear. I am never answering the phone during the daytime again if I see Sean's name on the caller ID. If it's when the boys are home, fine. Most likely he is calling for them anyway. I thought the hardest thing I would have to do today was defrost the freezer. I was going for a totally emotionally stress free day. No such luck. So, since I didn't answer the email he sent he decided to call instead. Two big things. One was about Connor. He wanted to know if I got his email. I said yes and didn't volunteer anything else. There is nothing to say. He asked if Connor was staying after today and tomorrow. I said no. He asked why. I said he didn't need to. He asked if all his work was made up and the whole idea if explaining to him about how certain teachers are only there certain days would have been over his head anyway. I said he was using his academic support block in school to take care of things and staying after wasn't necessary. He asked about the absent marks and I had to explain the scheduling snafu which made it look like he was out for one or two classes three days a week when he was there in a different class. Connor had already explained this to him before and here I was doing it again. He asked if Connor was coming over to see him this weekend and I told him Connor had planned on working this weekend so I doubted he would. He said, "This Friday?" I swallowed all my sarcastic responses and simply said yes. Then he said, "Well, I'll see Cade on Friday." Problem two. Now when the phone calls were going on between Cade and Sean last week over Halloween Cade had made the offer of switching weekends. That would mean he would be seeing his dad this coming weekend. Sean never answered Cade about it during their first talk at all. Sean also didn't say anything to me about agreeing to that when we talked during that same phone call. When Sean called back to tell Cade he could stay he never mentioned he expected to see Cade this weekend. He never said he was accepting Cade's offer. He never even said, have a good time see you next week. Nothing. When Cade hung up I asked him if his dad mentioned anything about this weekend and he said no. Sean never asked to speak to me and he hung up before I could ask. Cade did not think for one second he was going to have to go over there this weekend. Here is where I messed up. Another live and learn thing on how to make things are crystal clear with someone who is an expert of lies of omission and manipulation. I should have followed up and emailed Sean myself to check plans. I again made the mistake of trusting that Sean and one of his kids could come to a compromise neatly and clearly. Now I am going to have to clean up another emotional mess. I was taken by surprise obviously when Sean said that about Cade and I asked him what he meant. He told me, "We switched weekends." I told him I did not agree to that. What I had agreed to was for Cade to make the offer and that it needed to be worked out between them. I told him that when he called Cade last Sean did not talk to me directly about agreeing to a switch and that Cade has no idea that was what Sean was expecting. I told him he would have to talk with Cade tonight and settle things then tell me what their plan was after their conversation. In any case even if Cade agrees to come in for the weekend I would not be bringing him until Saturday. All my plans for Friday are postponed because we are supposed to be getting 45 mile an hour winds and the boat won't run in anything over 30mph. I might even keep the older boys home. Getting to town wouldn't be an issue but if the winds pick up then we wouldn't be able to get back. I haven't made an firm decision yet. I need to see the weather tonight first. Sean said ok about Saturday. I can tell in his mind it's already settled and Cade is coming. How am I going to have to break this to Cade? We had even made plans to go shopping on Saturday to Goodwill for pants and maybe find a new movie there. Do some window shopping for xmas. Maybe see a real honest to goodness movie with lunch. He is so looking forward to it. Now I will have to brace him to have to talk with his dad again. Another hard conversation. Tonight is going to be miserable. He was even talking about his dad today and it was not in a good way. Then of course there is Connor. I have to talk with him about his dad calling about his school. Connor is going to need to call him himself and tell him he isn't coming (or email) and explain his situation with his absences and make up work. Not what I wanted today.