Our Island Family Life

Ok, let's start with some good stuff. Connor had his therapy session (finally) yesterday. It went really well. I least I think it did..lol. Anyway, we talked about goals and Connor was asked point blank "what do you want?". He wants to go to school, likes school, likes his teachers (except one), has made friends. So, what is the problem? It is something that also concerns him. Is it his age? The need for extra sleep? He is getting nine hours a night as it is and then cat napping as well during the day. Is it the season and dark hours? Is it slight depression? That is why we are there. All of this in the hopes he will miss fewer days which will help to not burden him with extra work later. Connor is simply fortunate that he is smart enough that he catches up quickly without even putting much effort. I explained all the different strategies Connor and I have tried. Something might work for a while then not anymore so we try again. Consequences for somethings, positive reinforcement in others. All the while he has taken the initiative to see what he needs to make up and does it. The school work isn't the underlying problem so we are focusing on Connor's needs and his sleep issues. I can see another sleep study might be needed. It was nice for me anyway to see the therapist stress some of the same things to Connor I have. Eating a good breakfast, getting to bed early, have a routine, get as much done the night before. We discussed maybe taking a shower in the morning to help wake him up since even when he gets up he is like a zombie and is unresponsive. Showers aren't good though because he is in there forever and doesn't leave in time. I have to shut the furnace off and run the water to get him out. In the end we made a plan and set a date to come back and discuss how it went, plus and minus. I really wanted Connor to know I trust him and that I didn't want to micro manage his life for him. I wanting him to be able to apply himself and take personal responsibility for himself and his actions. I would be his support and guide but I wasn't going to be his alarm and I wasn't going to drag him by the ear down to the boat and get him on it. He is going to be 15 this month. The therapist told him that really the ball is in his court. He has to be the one who wants to do this if it's going to work. He has a goal of one week without a missed day and if he does it he can reward himself. I threw in that he wouldn't have to do dishes (his least favorite chore) and he could chose something else. Soooo.....I was feeling good. Connor was feeling good and excited. I got home and emailed Sean about when to pick up the kids. I told him Sofie had the sniffles and asked if he could get them a little early. The reason I asked was because at the last minute Will needed for me to drive him to the college campus for a 9am test. He needed to take it so he could take a course offered by the college at his school. That meant I had to take Sofie with me in town again on the 6:10am boat and I knew she would be exhausted especially since she started getting a runny nose on Thursday. He emailed me back at 8:30pm saying he couldn't then went on a long rant about Connor and the bottom line in it was that he was going to petition the court to have Connor live with him. Oh. My. God. He said he had a good case since I wasn't honoring the visitation agreement concerning Connor and that Connor isn't calling him. He said I wasn't allowing him to see Sean and that his grades were bad. Well, even though I am concerned about Connor grades I want to be clear and say it isn't like he is failing all his classes or anything. He has stuff to make up in biology and that's it. So, all my good feelings for the day and feeling like we made some real progress went down the tubes. I was just beside myself and fighting off tears. He of course cc'd this to Connor. I didn't respond to the email and after thinking about this all day I'm not going to. If he wants to to it then let him ans we'll go from there. I didn't want to engage him in conflict and after I went to DHHS today I think he might just be doing this out of anger with me. More on that later. So Connor and I had a nice chat about it this morning on the boat ride in. He told me he would again talk with his bio teacher and if that didn't work (he has a problem communicating with her) he would go to the principal and get some help there. He also told me not to worry about dad. He said he didn't like how his dad tried to "overpower me with his attitude". I told him I was ok but Connor said he was glad I was giving him a chance and that he never told his dad he wasn't allowed to see him and that made him angry. I played devil's advocate and reminded him there was one time I told him no and that was on a day when he missed school. I told him if he was too sick to go to school he was too sick to go to his dad's and that if he felt better the next day then if it was ok with his dad then he could go. Connor simply chose not to go the next day even though he felt fine. Connor remembered. I told him it was possible he had told his dad he wasn't allowed (he had been on the phone with him at the time I said no) but didn't mention the circumstances (sick, next day ok) to him. If he did that then it was entirely possible his dad blew it out of proportion which he does a lot. That wasn't Connor's fault of course and he had no control of how other people perceive things but knowing his dad and his illness it should be considered and to not get too angry with him. His dad wasn't calling Connor a liar outright and I was used to his dad thinking I was trying to keep all of them away from him. I told him that we all know that isn't the case and I couldn't control his dad's feelings about it. Connor shouldn't either. I told him all he needed to do was focus on his school work and what we discussed in therapy. I told him he did well that morning and he was one step closer to his one week goal. Tonight Connor told me he spoke with his math teacher and told him if he had an issue with him and his work to bring it to him and not to discuss it with his father. He told him what was going on and that it was stress he didn't need. His teacher told him he would make some time next week and they could really sit down and have a talk. Connor felt good about that. He said his bio teacher said she was busy. I told him to not bother with her anymore and go straight to the principal. If he has to take bio next year w/a different teacher than fine. There are always options, the hard part is finding them. He was proud of himself for trying and I was glad he was feeling good. On a side note of good? things Connor has a girl calling him today. She has called three times and he said there are four other girls who like him right now. He seemed very embarrassed, yet pleased.

Well, I got a call back from the lawyer. Sean's lawyer has withdrawn from him because of non-payment so he is on his own. The hope was that my lawyer would call his lawyer and then she would remind Sean of his obligations and along with a letter informing him of the intent to file a motion of contempt if he didn't comply with the court order for the taxes might motivate him to pay it or even call the IRS himself and make some kind of arrangement. So since Sean no longer has a lawyer I am going to be on my own I think. I have an appointment to see the lawyer tomorrow but he is going to call me this afternoon and we'll see what the next move should be. I can't hire him. He is helping me this much because he is appalled with Sean. I would have to file contempt myself. I suppose I could try the free lawyers but it takes a long time to get one. I tried it before I got the one I have now and I have a short amount of time before the extension for the taxes run out. The lawyer said he would help me with the contempt papers. It is so nerve wracking. I suppose I will call the free lawyers anyway and see what they say after I talk with my lawyer today. IF I hired the lawyer he would ask for legal fees from Sean but I don't have the upfront money. I have to put my thinking cap on and see what I can come up with. I don't want to spend more than it would cost to just pay the taxes myself in the first place just to prove a point. That would be stupid. I just don't understand why no on sees how much his life is falling apart. How DOES he hide everything? How much is that woman enabling him to the point where he looks like he is doing ok? I hope things go ok for me today. I am feeling nervous.

Oh yeah, I also had to email Sean about if he was available to have sessions on Friday. I told him he had to get back to me by Thursday. After I talked with the counselor about doing these sessions or not I told her it wasn't her. I just felt Sean was not being honest and the lack of follow through was not building trust like the sessions were supposed to help build but doing the opposite and making trust erode even further. It is better to not have sessions and have hope that things might be better for the kids sake than just be able to accept things for what they are and that is that Sean says one thing and does whatever he wants. It is easier to just not count on his words and accept his actions good or bad. I told her I would want her to hold him more accountable. If he says he will do something then doesn't then have him answer the tough question of why? I will not accept, "I tried." anymore. Try and tried are "out" words so you can get out of responsibility. I think the point of using those words are the fact they aren't used often. Then they have true meaning and the effort you put in shows. Sean on the other hand says he tried with a shrug and a snicker. The meaning, the effort, is missing. I am willing to accept reasons but not excuses. He didn't even bother with excuses. So, I doubt he will get back to me. He still hasn't answered me about the dental insurance I need for tomorrow so I am not holding my breath. I told the counselor that I would call her Friday with his answer (if he even gives one) and if he has the time then we can try if he doesn't or doesn't answer we will close the case and I will have to call the lawyer again to have the divorce amended. Yak.