Our Island Family Life

We are supposed to be getting a big storm this weekend. I feel so tired and weak there is no way I am shoveling until I get over what ever the heck this is. I feel slightly better but still very tired. I have already taken one nap today and I know my medicine (borrowed) is making me drowsy. I can breathe a little better. I still get completely clogged for a while and that is the worst because I have a hard time swallowing. The stretches of just being normally clogged with some chances of breathing are getting longer.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry when it comes to Sofie on some days. Right now I am leaning towards laughter. Of course she is sleeping right now and that is helping me immensely. She has those days once and a while where she gets into everything. Today was that day. She has a hard time understanding the part of not touching things that do not belong to you. She has been whiny as well. I have no idea why she is like this today. Things are a bit off though. All the boys are home. The wind is pretty wild and I am glad I decided to stay home and go shopping tomorrow instead. Cade twisted his ankle this morning and we had to put it up for a few hours. He is ok now but he is still limping a bit. It's always something with someone. The older boys didn't want to get stuck in town either so stayed. Connor went to work and Will helped me cook up some leftovers to clean out the fridge for my big shopping day. He also helped fix the VCR after Sofie got a tape stuck in it and pinched her finger. Like I said, one of those days. While I helped her come down from her high pitched shrieks of pain he got the tape out. She was fine of course. Not even a red finger or a scratch. She was just scared. Will was trying real hard to not laugh at her. Her pitch is so high I think I will suffer hearing loss in the future.

I swear. I am never answering the phone during the daytime again if I see Sean's name on the caller ID. If it's when the boys are home, fine. Most likely he is calling for them anyway. I thought the hardest thing I would have to do today was defrost the freezer. I was going for a totally emotionally stress free day. No such luck. So, since I didn't answer the email he sent he decided to call instead. Two big things. One was about Connor. He wanted to know if I got his email. I said yes and didn't volunteer anything else. There is nothing to say. He asked if Connor was staying after today and tomorrow. I said no. He asked why. I said he didn't need to. He asked if all his work was made up and the whole idea if explaining to him about how certain teachers are only there certain days would have been over his head anyway. I said he was using his academic support block in school to take care of things and staying after wasn't necessary. He asked about the absent marks and I had to explain the scheduling snafu which made it look like he was out for one or two classes three days a week when he was there in a different class. Connor had already explained this to him before and here I was doing it again. He asked if Connor was coming over to see him this weekend and I told him Connor had planned on working this weekend so I doubted he would. He said, "This Friday?" I swallowed all my sarcastic responses and simply said yes. Then he said, "Well, I'll see Cade on Friday." Problem two. Now when the phone calls were going on between Cade and Sean last week over Halloween Cade had made the offer of switching weekends. That would mean he would be seeing his dad this coming weekend. Sean never answered Cade about it during their first talk at all. Sean also didn't say anything to me about agreeing to that when we talked during that same phone call. When Sean called back to tell Cade he could stay he never mentioned he expected to see Cade this weekend. He never said he was accepting Cade's offer. He never even said, have a good time see you next week. Nothing. When Cade hung up I asked him if his dad mentioned anything about this weekend and he said no. Sean never asked to speak to me and he hung up before I could ask. Cade did not think for one second he was going to have to go over there this weekend. Here is where I messed up. Another live and learn thing on how to make things are crystal clear with someone who is an expert of lies of omission and manipulation. I should have followed up and emailed Sean myself to check plans. I again made the mistake of trusting that Sean and one of his kids could come to a compromise neatly and clearly. Now I am going to have to clean up another emotional mess. I was taken by surprise obviously when Sean said that about Cade and I asked him what he meant. He told me, "We switched weekends." I told him I did not agree to that. What I had agreed to was for Cade to make the offer and that it needed to be worked out between them. I told him that when he called Cade last Sean did not talk to me directly about agreeing to a switch and that Cade has no idea that was what Sean was expecting. I told him he would have to talk with Cade tonight and settle things then tell me what their plan was after their conversation. In any case even if Cade agrees to come in for the weekend I would not be bringing him until Saturday. All my plans for Friday are postponed because we are supposed to be getting 45 mile an hour winds and the boat won't run in anything over 30mph. I might even keep the older boys home. Getting to town wouldn't be an issue but if the winds pick up then we wouldn't be able to get back. I haven't made an firm decision yet. I need to see the weather tonight first. Sean said ok about Saturday. I can tell in his mind it's already settled and Cade is coming. How am I going to have to break this to Cade? We had even made plans to go shopping on Saturday to Goodwill for pants and maybe find a new movie there. Do some window shopping for xmas. Maybe see a real honest to goodness movie with lunch. He is so looking forward to it. Now I will have to brace him to have to talk with his dad again. Another hard conversation. Tonight is going to be miserable. He was even talking about his dad today and it was not in a good way. Then of course there is Connor. I have to talk with him about his dad calling about his school. Connor is going to need to call him himself and tell him he isn't coming (or email) and explain his situation with his absences and make up work. Not what I wanted today.

Ok, I am trying not to get too anxious now. I have been checking my bank account hoping I would see the money DHHS was supposed to deposit. Realistically I am sure I have to wait at least another week. Still, I have $400 to my name and the kids see the dentist next week. Two of them anyway. I talked with the teachers about the plan and there is a big copay and thinking it over I wonder if Sean isn't giving me the info because he doesn't want to pay it. I dunno. I am not having luck getting a hold of the insurance company so far. I am determined to talk with someone who can help me. I have bills coming in and over course another month of rent is here. I got another $100 for work this week but it's so little. *sigh* I have a ton of places to clean this weekend. A lot of people will be up next weekend to close up. I hope I can get them all done in time. I am feeling a little stressed. Seeing that money would be nice but like the fridge new money won't just appear just because I open to door again thinking new food has suddenly appeared. I suppose I will have to cal DHHS anyway on Monday for a progress report. What a pain. I of course did my duty and emailed Sean last night about when and where to pick up Cade and Sofie for the weekend. I didn't say anything else. No response as usual. When will I stop getting bugged about that?

Well, before we get to the introspective stuff how about the ongoing dental update. Here is where I get weak and second guess myself and think...oh well, I guess I can wait a little longer. Right? No. Let's look at the big picture. Note, this is more for myself than anything to reaffirm my thought process. After the last dental appointment six months ago I emailed Sean and told him about the appointments for this month. Informed other parent...check. No reply from Sean. Nine weeks ago a phone call with said parent informing me of dental plan. Call went well. Eight weeks ago sent email reminding of appointment as asked for during previous phone call. Informed other parent...again...check. Six weeks ago..had therapy session where he said he didn't want to work with me about dentist because I was bitchy. Since August 28th I have sent him 9 emails asking for info and also informing him about pick times for the kids and other medical needs about them. Emails from Sean as of today.....1. The last email I sent I told him he had until Friday to give me the dental info. I did not tell him what my response to his not telling me would be. Yesterday afternoon he sent this:

Got it. I'm sorry I haven't had the time to respond to a few of the more recent emails but I will shortly. I've been extremely busy. Thanks for the dentist info. I'll take care of that.

Note to self, he did not tell me any of the info. He has not sent me the insurance cards. He says, I'll take care of that, meaning what exactly? Like the way he took care of things with the IRS? Does he really think I believe him? This is the stall tactic in action. He knew he had a due date. He tells me "something" thinking that will be enough without telling me what I need to know. Sneaky. He sounds nice, seems reasonable and has an excuse with words to the effect that things will be taken care of. Simple humm? I am not the same person who just said, "uh..ok." trusted blindly and let him take care of things anymore. I. do. not. believe. him. Anyway, my response to his email:

Sean, I still want the dental information myself as well. Thanks, Amy

Meanwhile I have also asked Cade's teacher for a contact number for the school insurance. Why bother calling the school Sean works at and get stonewalled? They are in the same district. I can get the info quicker and then I can see if the insurance company stonewalls. If so then I can call the district and inform them directly of what I need and why. I even know where the office is. I can go with divorce in hand if need be. I doubt the principle at the school he works for wants to deal with this mess. If Sean gets me the info while I am doing this fine. If not I will get it one way or another. I am also calling DHHS back on Monday and see what they recommend. They can be helpful if you get the right person.

Moving on...

My talk with Cade the other night was interesting to say the least. I tried not to get upset when he told me that a door almost fell on him. I guess they took his bedroom door off the hinges to put on their bedroom doorway instead. Their previous door was too short and "the beast" could crawl under it (she's seven and the size of a blade of grass) which hindered their privacy. So Cade has no door. He also has no beds either. They took all his stuff. Anyway, it was off the hinges and "the beast" knocked it over towards him. Cade jumped out of the way just before it was going to hit him. In response to being scared half to death he smacked her and asked if she was trying to kill him. She went crying to Sean. I thought to myself that it probably wouldn't have killed Cade..unless it hit his head or something but he could have been more likely to have a broken limb or something...then I thought....what if it had hit Sofie? Then my freaking went up a notch or two. I said nothing though. I just had my arm over my eyes and listened. Well, she was yelled at by both Sean and her mother and got a time out. I almost felt bad for her. Sean yelling is scary. How her mother let's him do that I just don't understand at all. I do wonder though if she meant to do it on purpose and just doesn't understand the ramifications her actions could have had. Then Cade said he was forced to go to one of Sean's soccer games with "the beast". He went on a bit about how boring it is but there are other kids there that are also bored to tears week after week. SO bored in fact they are making out. Cade said "the beast" is usually alone because the other kids don't like her. She says she doesn't care because she doesn't like them anyway. So Cade runs off with a couple of boys near his age and they come across a second grade girl and a third grade boy from "the beast's" school that were as Cade put it, "making out". I looked at him then and asked what he meant by that? Hugging? I mean...second grade. He said they were kissing and groping, lying in the grass. Oh. My. God. I asked him where their parents were. He said the dads were on the field. Moms? Not there. Lovely. He asked me not to tell his dad. Like I would. Not that he cares in the first place. After all Cade and "the beast" were all alone. Thank goodness Sofie was napping at the house. I don't even know these people. I wonder though at the other parents that might have been there. I DO know one of them. Cade knows her too and he said she just ignores everyone. So. Whatever. Could you stand by and watch that? How gross. So young. Cade said he was pretty grossed out and the other boys were laughing. Yuck. So I got 2 hours of dumping. I know Cade didn't really want to see his dad this weekend and was talking to calm his nerves. It is a new thing. Before he would just get grumpy and take it out on everyone. Now he talks, and complains and gets nervous. I just love new things. *sigh* When we got to the baylines after swim yesterday for the pick up Cade said to me again (it was the fifth time that day) he didn't want to go. I said, "Well, tell him that and tell him why. If he knows you can't stand the fighting and what's going on and how much it is hurting you then at least he knows and can try to make some changes to make you more comfortable. He can't do anything for you if you don't tell him." Cade, "He won't do anything." Me, "Maybe so, but he really won't at all if you say nothing." Cade, "He will yell at me if I tell him I don't want to go." Me, "Cade, he isn't going to yell at you here in a room full of people. You're safe here." Cade, "Yeah, he's a coward around other adults." I think I made my tongue bleed trying not to answer that one. We waited. Sofie had a busy time at swim and was exhausted. She napped for an hour and a half in the car and was drinking some milk on the bench when she started to cry. I stood her up and held her and asked her what was wrong. She said she missed me. I told her I was right here. She said she didn't want to to leave me, her precious mumma behind. It was so cute and sad at the same time. Finally someone calls me precious...:) Sean came in then. I told her dad was coming. She only held me tighter with tears in her eyes. I felt like crap. Cade was wringing his hands. I brought her over to him and she was crying now. Sean asked what was wrong and I told him she was tired. She didn't want him to hold her. Cade then came up and Sean said hi to him and asked him how he was doing. Cade said fine and then said he didn't want to come. Wham, just like that. I made like I didn't hear anything and asked Sofie if she wanted some milk to feel better and she said yes so we left to go back to the bench. As we left I could hear Sean ask Cade why and I saw him get the arms crossed defensive thing he does and he looked annoyed. I helped Sofie and she seemed better after a drink and I got her a toy ring she had earlier that she likes and I held her and walked around for a bit. Finally Sean came up behind us and said Cade was going home with me and Sofie still didn't want him to hold her. I told her to tell him about what a great job she did in swim and that got her talking and I was able to slide her over to him. She said goodbye and was about to cry again but I gave her her milk cup and ring and that distracted her. They left and I looked at Cade who was very frazzled. He said, "He tries to make me feel guilty and like a bad person." I hugged him and told him he isn't a bad person being honest. I didn't ask him what Sean said and he hasn't told me but I am sure he will when he can tell me without tearing up. He was very excited to come home. He slept in today and just looks so relaxed. oh...I almost forgot...my title. The reason I chose it is because during the big talk the other night Cade said he was tired of hearing his dad talk about things that cause cancer and organic this and that. The evils of high fructose corn syrup. Cade said..."What about just eating what you want but not stuff yourself with it? You know what's it called? Moderation or something? So what if you have a little high fructose corn syrup? Unless your like, diabetic. Just a little, you know, not like 10 cans of soda. I mean..this is dad talking. He ate package after package of cupcakes and boxes of dunkin' donuts. He ate a pack of hot dogs..by himself! Hot dogs..not kosher either. The kinds filled with you don't want to know what. NOW he tells me, "Don't eat that!" Pleeeaasee. Get real. He is a whole different person. He is like her clone or something. He says what she says, likes what she likes, talks like she talks, thinks like she thinks, doesn't do ANYTHING he used to do that he said made him happy. If you don't believe what they believe your "an idiot" or "stupid". That's what he used to say about grandma and grandpa. How are they any different? What makes her happy makes him happy he says. Brainwashed much? Jeeze."

What can I say to that?

The Argument from Intimidation is a confession of intellectual impotence.
Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982), The Virtue of Selfishness, 1964