Our Island Family Life

Will is sick. Connor missed the boat and Cade was so upset I made him stay home so he wouldn't get mad and take out on someone at school. What a day. Why was Cade so upset? He had some down time yesterday after he got off the boat by helping Will clean up the tennis court in the square, he did so much Will gave him some of the pay he got for the job and so when they got home Cade was happy to have made a few bucks. That night though things began to simmer in his mind about the weekend and he let loose. Sofie started it all, not on purpose of course, by talking about how "the beast" had bitten her (again) while they were at Steve and Terrell's house. They are the new wife's parents. Sean and her insist the kids call them grandma and grandpa. Cade would rather die. Sofie did a few times but the past few times she has seen them has called them by name. Kathryn felt that was all Cade's doing and gave him a lecture about how he was "harming Sofie's brain" by telling her to call them by their names and that Sofie should have lots of grandparents. Cade said he thought she was nuts. How many grandparents does she want them to have? He asked her how she could be an English teacher and say something like he was harming his sister's brain? That was a little too weird for him. Then he was upset at Sofie being bitten. Sofie wasn't pleased either. She has a bruise to show for it. Then Cade said that Kathryn is planning on cutting Sofie's hair on their next visit. Granted her hair is long. Every time we go out people comment on how beautiful her hair is. So long and curly. I haven't had the heart to cut it yet. I'm not going to let it grow forever. For now though she is just lovely. When I do get it cut it would be her first cut. I have saved clippings from each of the kids first haircuts because of the milestone it is and the memories. Cade was furious. I don't blame him. Will was beside himself and said if she did that he would shave Kathryn's head himself. I left the room for a few minutes. I thought I was having a panic attack. It seem so stupid to be upset over a thing like a haircut. It's more than that really though. All the other emotions wrapped up in it. The power Sean is letting that woman have on our daughter. To touch a single hair on her head makes me so angry and panic ridden at the same time. The milestone moment gone. Sean doesn't give a crap about things like that. Scrapbook moments and family pictures. I do. That would be another thing taken away by him.....by HER. After I calmed I reasoned it was just haircut and most likely it was just her mouthing off because she is "so stressed" now a days. Cade said he was in tears on Saturday and was yelled at all weekend. I am so grateful he has therapy Friday. He doesn't want to go back ever again. He missed a day of school today because of the stress. This is not good. Not good at all.

On another note, the trip to the dentist on Friday was interesting. I had heard nothing from Sean since the week before last. I emailed him Tuesday and told him I was leaving the kids with his parents on Friday and about the dentist visit. He still hasn't given me info for the dentist. When I got there I tried to give them his name and address for billing. They wouldn't let me without a call or letter from him. I explained he had said the kids had dental coverage but that he wasn't giving me the information and about the last dental visit that was supposedly covered but I had paid for myself. The lady I talked to was nice. She gave me the number of the insurance company and said she wouldn't charge me for the visit that day. She couldn't understand either why a father would do that but she has had a similar experience (go dead beat dad's every where) so she was helpful. I went back to the waiting area relieved I didn't have to pay that day and after a few minutes she called me back. She was smirking. She asked me if he had a new wife. I said yes. The lady told me that the new wife had called the day before and added the kids to HER insurance. I was shocked to say the least. Now to anyone who even might be thinking that was a nice thing for her to do...don't. Sean lied. He lied.....again. He said HE had coverage for the kids thought HIS work. He was pressured by me and got her to do it for him. HIS kids and she is the one paying the bill. She is enabling him and was suckered. I am galled to have the kids covered by her. It's pretty sick. Not to mention it makes sense why he isn't giving me any info. He either never had it (which would be another lie) or he doesn't want to give me HER policy information. I wonder if she knows he lied and she is just saving his ass. I asked the lady where the reimbursements would go. Her insurance right? I paid a huge chunk already. She said since when they submit the bill the money is supposed to go to "the responsible party" which is me on the paperwork. Not her. I hope so. Just another paper trail I have to keep track of. *sigh*

Well, before we get to the introspective stuff how about the ongoing dental update. Here is where I get weak and second guess myself and think...oh well, I guess I can wait a little longer. Right? No. Let's look at the big picture. Note, this is more for myself than anything to reaffirm my thought process. After the last dental appointment six months ago I emailed Sean and told him about the appointments for this month. Informed other parent...check. No reply from Sean. Nine weeks ago a phone call with said parent informing me of dental plan. Call went well. Eight weeks ago sent email reminding of appointment as asked for during previous phone call. Informed other parent...again...check. Six weeks ago..had therapy session where he said he didn't want to work with me about dentist because I was bitchy. Since August 28th I have sent him 9 emails asking for info and also informing him about pick times for the kids and other medical needs about them. Emails from Sean as of today.....1. The last email I sent I told him he had until Friday to give me the dental info. I did not tell him what my response to his not telling me would be. Yesterday afternoon he sent this:

Got it. I'm sorry I haven't had the time to respond to a few of the more recent emails but I will shortly. I've been extremely busy. Thanks for the dentist info. I'll take care of that.

Note to self, he did not tell me any of the info. He has not sent me the insurance cards. He says, I'll take care of that, meaning what exactly? Like the way he took care of things with the IRS? Does he really think I believe him? This is the stall tactic in action. He knew he had a due date. He tells me "something" thinking that will be enough without telling me what I need to know. Sneaky. He sounds nice, seems reasonable and has an excuse with words to the effect that things will be taken care of. Simple humm? I am not the same person who just said, "uh..ok." trusted blindly and let him take care of things anymore. I. do. not. believe. him. Anyway, my response to his email:

Sean, I still want the dental information myself as well. Thanks, Amy

Meanwhile I have also asked Cade's teacher for a contact number for the school insurance. Why bother calling the school Sean works at and get stonewalled? They are in the same district. I can get the info quicker and then I can see if the insurance company stonewalls. If so then I can call the district and inform them directly of what I need and why. I even know where the office is. I can go with divorce in hand if need be. I doubt the principle at the school he works for wants to deal with this mess. If Sean gets me the info while I am doing this fine. If not I will get it one way or another. I am also calling DHHS back on Monday and see what they recommend. They can be helpful if you get the right person.

Moving on...

My talk with Cade the other night was interesting to say the least. I tried not to get upset when he told me that a door almost fell on him. I guess they took his bedroom door off the hinges to put on their bedroom doorway instead. Their previous door was too short and "the beast" could crawl under it (she's seven and the size of a blade of grass) which hindered their privacy. So Cade has no door. He also has no beds either. They took all his stuff. Anyway, it was off the hinges and "the beast" knocked it over towards him. Cade jumped out of the way just before it was going to hit him. In response to being scared half to death he smacked her and asked if she was trying to kill him. She went crying to Sean. I thought to myself that it probably wouldn't have killed Cade..unless it hit his head or something but he could have been more likely to have a broken limb or something...then I thought....what if it had hit Sofie? Then my freaking went up a notch or two. I said nothing though. I just had my arm over my eyes and listened. Well, she was yelled at by both Sean and her mother and got a time out. I almost felt bad for her. Sean yelling is scary. How her mother let's him do that I just don't understand at all. I do wonder though if she meant to do it on purpose and just doesn't understand the ramifications her actions could have had. Then Cade said he was forced to go to one of Sean's soccer games with "the beast". He went on a bit about how boring it is but there are other kids there that are also bored to tears week after week. SO bored in fact they are making out. Cade said "the beast" is usually alone because the other kids don't like her. She says she doesn't care because she doesn't like them anyway. So Cade runs off with a couple of boys near his age and they come across a second grade girl and a third grade boy from "the beast's" school that were as Cade put it, "making out". I looked at him then and asked what he meant by that? Hugging? I mean...second grade. He said they were kissing and groping, lying in the grass. Oh. My. God. I asked him where their parents were. He said the dads were on the field. Moms? Not there. Lovely. He asked me not to tell his dad. Like I would. Not that he cares in the first place. After all Cade and "the beast" were all alone. Thank goodness Sofie was napping at the house. I don't even know these people. I wonder though at the other parents that might have been there. I DO know one of them. Cade knows her too and he said she just ignores everyone. So. Whatever. Could you stand by and watch that? How gross. So young. Cade said he was pretty grossed out and the other boys were laughing. Yuck. So I got 2 hours of dumping. I know Cade didn't really want to see his dad this weekend and was talking to calm his nerves. It is a new thing. Before he would just get grumpy and take it out on everyone. Now he talks, and complains and gets nervous. I just love new things. *sigh* When we got to the baylines after swim yesterday for the pick up Cade said to me again (it was the fifth time that day) he didn't want to go. I said, "Well, tell him that and tell him why. If he knows you can't stand the fighting and what's going on and how much it is hurting you then at least he knows and can try to make some changes to make you more comfortable. He can't do anything for you if you don't tell him." Cade, "He won't do anything." Me, "Maybe so, but he really won't at all if you say nothing." Cade, "He will yell at me if I tell him I don't want to go." Me, "Cade, he isn't going to yell at you here in a room full of people. You're safe here." Cade, "Yeah, he's a coward around other adults." I think I made my tongue bleed trying not to answer that one. We waited. Sofie had a busy time at swim and was exhausted. She napped for an hour and a half in the car and was drinking some milk on the bench when she started to cry. I stood her up and held her and asked her what was wrong. She said she missed me. I told her I was right here. She said she didn't want to to leave me, her precious mumma behind. It was so cute and sad at the same time. Finally someone calls me precious...:) Sean came in then. I told her dad was coming. She only held me tighter with tears in her eyes. I felt like crap. Cade was wringing his hands. I brought her over to him and she was crying now. Sean asked what was wrong and I told him she was tired. She didn't want him to hold her. Cade then came up and Sean said hi to him and asked him how he was doing. Cade said fine and then said he didn't want to come. Wham, just like that. I made like I didn't hear anything and asked Sofie if she wanted some milk to feel better and she said yes so we left to go back to the bench. As we left I could hear Sean ask Cade why and I saw him get the arms crossed defensive thing he does and he looked annoyed. I helped Sofie and she seemed better after a drink and I got her a toy ring she had earlier that she likes and I held her and walked around for a bit. Finally Sean came up behind us and said Cade was going home with me and Sofie still didn't want him to hold her. I told her to tell him about what a great job she did in swim and that got her talking and I was able to slide her over to him. She said goodbye and was about to cry again but I gave her her milk cup and ring and that distracted her. They left and I looked at Cade who was very frazzled. He said, "He tries to make me feel guilty and like a bad person." I hugged him and told him he isn't a bad person being honest. I didn't ask him what Sean said and he hasn't told me but I am sure he will when he can tell me without tearing up. He was very excited to come home. He slept in today and just looks so relaxed. oh...I almost forgot...my title. The reason I chose it is because during the big talk the other night Cade said he was tired of hearing his dad talk about things that cause cancer and organic this and that. The evils of high fructose corn syrup. Cade said..."What about just eating what you want but not stuff yourself with it? You know what's it called? Moderation or something? So what if you have a little high fructose corn syrup? Unless your like, diabetic. Just a little, you know, not like 10 cans of soda. I mean..this is dad talking. He ate package after package of cupcakes and boxes of dunkin' donuts. He ate a pack of hot dogs..by himself! Hot dogs..not kosher either. The kinds filled with you don't want to know what. NOW he tells me, "Don't eat that!" Pleeeaasee. Get real. He is a whole different person. He is like her clone or something. He says what she says, likes what she likes, talks like she talks, thinks like she thinks, doesn't do ANYTHING he used to do that he said made him happy. If you don't believe what they believe your "an idiot" or "stupid". That's what he used to say about grandma and grandpa. How are they any different? What makes her happy makes him happy he says. Brainwashed much? Jeeze."

What can I say to that?

The Argument from Intimidation is a confession of intellectual impotence.
Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982), The Virtue of Selfishness, 1964

It's been a busy few days. I was in town all day Thursday and Friday. Thursday was a whirlwind with ALL the kids with me. I took a wrong turn to the dentist and we were five minutes late. I was stressed and it was only 8am. I checked the email before we left the house and Sean sent me an answer to the therapy question (when he was available) but nothing about the dental insurance. After a long chat with the ladies at the dental office. I paid the bill and when they get the dental info it will be submitted and then I will be reimbursed. Here's the catch, one of many, I still don't have the info. I gave Sean until this Friday to tell me. I didn't tell him what I would do. I no longer tell him about consequences. It doesn't work. Why keep stinging my hand on the electrified doorknob that is Sean? I will just do it. My plan is to call the school and flat out tell them who I am, about the court order and ask for the info myself. If they don't tell me anything, call DHHS and see what they say. In the meantime, I am calling the lawyer on Monday to schedule an appointment for next week. I was supposed to see him on Thursday at 2pm but Sofie got car sick 10 minutes before I was to see him. I called and told him what was going on. He has small kids and had no problem understanding. I cleaned her up and made the next boat home so we got home at 4pm instead of 7pm like planned. I can ask him about what to do about the dental stuff too. The boys stayed in town and saw their aunt and came home on the 7pm ferry. SO, the dentist was $463. Then Cade needed new lenses and that was another $132. I am just lucky I had the money but it was for the car repair so now I am screwed on that for another month. THEN if the insurance reimburses the dental (it doesn't do the glasses) since it is in Sean's name guess who they will send the money to? Do YOU think I will get the money then without some kind of intervention? I am sure it will be MONTHS before I get that money back. As for the glasses, Sean has to pay me in 30 days or I send the bill to DHHS and it will still take months I am sure to get the money for that. I feel like I am so mired in all this "crap" I can't move on. I can't let stuff go that has to go. I can see things changing of course. I am not explaining as much and I am not being so nice. Not mean though. Just, point A, B, C, the end when I inform Sean of stuff. I KNOW he hasn't given me the dental stuff because he is mad at the whole DHHS thing. He is being abusive financially just like they explained in the women's only divorce group I went to. How much is divorce issues and how much is his bipolar? I dunno. What I do know is that even though he wasn't the best with money before the bipolar now he is just unreal. SO much debt and so many lies. Before he always paid the bills and made sure we were ok. He didn't do great with saving, I did that but we never wanted for anything that was needed. It's just so tiring.

Friday Cade had therapy and we talked about difficult conversations again. We cut back to every other week and talked about respect issues. Things are getting to a breaking point with Cade though. We talked about what the criteria for ending sessions should be and we thought being able to handle transitions (of any kind not just with seeing Sean) without being overwhelmed was a good goal. Since Cade doesn't want to see his dad as much and is really beginning to complain big time about having to go I don't think Cade is nearing the closing goal yet. I let Cade complain but he knows I will take him to see his dad period. If he wants to not go he HAS to talk to his dad and discuss it with him and I will comply with their decision. At the moment it has been working out to every other weekend although I don't think either of them has realized it yet. It has been like that for about a month and a half. We'll see what happens next week. Also on Friday was swim lessons. Sofie had her first session. She was so cute. She is a little skittish about her teacher. Her teacher is great though she taught Connor and Cade too. Sofie didn't get into the water much. She had her feet in and got on her tummy and slid in some but as soon as the teacher got near she scampered away like a spider. Sofie also kept putting her goggles on and dunking her head in. I thought she was going to go head first into the watet but she didn't. I was right beside and and the teacher was close by the whole time so I wasn't too worried. Still, she said she had fun and that she was going into the pool next week. I think she just has to get used to her teacher. Cade was moved into the next class for more advanced swimmers and he is very excited. Sean of course never came. The friend of mine who died recently (his name is Robert) was really missed. He was always such a huge presence there mostly because he was one of the few dads who would come. Sean used to come to every class so when he just stopped coming the other moms were really mad at him for the kids sake. Anyway, his daughter Ella wasn't there this week. Her mom wasn't able to bring her. She is trying too hard to do everything herself right now. I did the same thing when Sean first left. I didn't want any one's help. I know the other moms would bring Ella. Hopefully she will be there next week. She is in Sofie's class.

On the walk to the baylines to meet up with Sean (he picked up Cade and Sofie this week) I told Cade that I saw Jessica (an island friend who is Connor's age) the other day and she said hi. Cade started laughing. I had no idea what was so funny and asked him. He said, "Did you know she goes to Deering high school?" (That is the school Kathryn "teaches" at) I said no. Then Cade said, "She has Kathryn as a teacher." Me: "oh really." Cade: " Yeah, she was just telling us ( us meaning a bunch of other island kids who all hang out together in the square)all her teachers names and mentioned her and I asked Jess what she though of her." Me: "oh?" Cade, "Yeah. (pause) Can I have permission to swear?" Me: "What? Why?" Cade: " Well, I want to tell you what Jess said." Me: "uh oh, is Jess swearing again?" Cade: "Well, you know how it is." Cade shrugged. You see Jess and her little brother are great kids. However every kid has a vice it seems and for them it is their language. Their parents swear a lot and so that is what Cade means by, "you know how it is". My kids know I disapprove of the bad language but they are helpful, kind and loyal kids and I figure that makes up for it. I just remind mine that I don't want THEM swearing. So, I though about it....and said, "Well, you know I don't approve but this ONE time I guess you can. BUT you have to whisper it." So Cade leaned in and said, "Jess said she was a fucking bitch and Jess and was real mad too." Me: "No. She said that! Why is she so adamant?" Cade: "Jess said she assigns them stuff and the WHOLE class does the work and when they hand it in she doesn't even remember she assigned it and and gets mad at them telling them they are playing a prank on her. I mean like what kids would do homework on purpose they didn't have to right? She has done it twice now. Then she acts like all the kids lover her and tells them how great a teacher she is. They just laugh at her and she thinks they are laughing with her not AT her. The other teachers don't like her and are always fixing her mistakes with hall passes and stuff or helping the other kids try and understand her worksheets because she explains them five different ways. Jess called her other names too just not as bad like dirt bag and other stuff I can't remember. Jess said she has some tough teachers and nice ones but ALL the kids call her the, well...the you know." I didn't say anything for a minute then said, " Does Jess know who she is to you?" Cade, " She didn't. I told her and Jess said well, there's another reason why she is such a witch with a b. Now the kids will like her even less." Me: "How did that make you feel?" Cade: "Well, I always knew she was stupid. I mean do you even KNOW how many times she has lost things...in the freezer? Like her cell? She puts her knife in the plugged in toaster so many times and hasn't gotten zapped I wonder if getting zapped is just a myth. I am glad someone else hates her like I do. I guess I am glad someone sees her for who she really IS without even knowing what she has done to me or Sofie or Will. She acts like she is perfect but let me tell you, when she thinks we are asleep she has a mouth. You think what Jess said was bad? I have heard words I don't even know what they mean mom. She just swears and says means stuff about people. She's a flat out hypocrite! And dad, dad doesn't say anything. He just lets her rant. She is a swearing vampire. By the light of day her nice mask come on and at night the evil swearing vampire comes out to make every one's ears bleed!" I lost it. I truly did. I know mom handbook 101, DON'T laugh at your kids when they make fun of others ESPECIALLY the other parent or step parent but his speech was so darn......oh my goodness, swearing vampire? I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee. Once I was calm. I told him I was sorry and that I shouldn't have done that. He asked me not to tell his dad or Kathryn he had said those things. I said I wouldn't but he should tell Jay (his counselor) about the swearing and how he feels Kathryn is two faced and maybe Jay had some ideas on how to deal with it. Cade said he would think about it.

As for therapy for Sean and me...it's over. I told Sean when I could meet him. Fridays any time between 9am and 1pm and he said he could meet at 4pm. I would have Sofie then so that wouldn't work and the counselor couldn't meet then either. I called her back and told her what Sean said in his email and she said she understood my reasoning for why I picked the day I did and knew I had to work for the kids especially without getting the child support. Sean could have offered once a month if he was working or tried to come up with another plan but his effort is lacking and so she was going to close the case. I told her I would email him and let him know and that was that. Another thing I have to talk to the lawyer about next week. Do I need to amend the divorce? *sigh*

I guess I will go have some dinner now.

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
Gustave Flaubert (1821 - 1880)