Our Island Family Life

I am really really mad at the moment. I am trying not to over react and send Sean a scathing email right now. It has been a while since I got an email from him that really pissed me off. Bothered me a bit sure. Made me sad, of course, but spitting mad? No. I was shocked of course to even get an email from him about what happened last weekend. He mentioned Halloween and that "they" didn't give Sofie too much candy and that most of Sofie's candy was there because I probably had more than I knew what to do with. *snort* Then he went on to "explain" an incident that occurred and he wanted to explain it in case Sofie mentioned it to me. Right away I thought..oh and if he thought she wouldn't then he would have said nothing right? Apparently the girl put Sofie in a time out and Sean caught her and took Sofie out of it right away(who knows how long Sofie was in it) and explained to the girl she in no way had the authority to do that to Sofie and that he thinks she understands that now. I am thinking that if he felt the need to explain it then it is way worse than he is making it out to be. Still, I doubt he sees that this girl thinks she can order Sofie about and her doing the time out is way better than what she was doing which was punching Sofie and biting her which Sean still says the girl doesn't do to Sofie. The girl bit Sofie the weekend before last and teeth marks don't lie. I was already in a rather bad mood concerning Sean the past few days. I dunno, just old stuff and feeling old hurts. My problem. Not his. Even if he was the one who caused the hurts to begin with. This morning I spent a long time getting Sofie cleaned up after her weekend. I usually don't mess with her the first day back because I don't want her thinking that coming home means pain. Besides she spends most of her time sleeping. She slept for 5 hours at nap time. Also, I had to give her some tylenol because of a wound on her leg. I saw it Sunday and it was bloody and she had been scratching it. I was a bit taken aback. She said it was a bug bite but it wasn't. It looked like she had been poked with a stick or something. I cleaned it and it was all red around the edges and a little swollen. I knew it was the beginning of an infection. I dressed it and had one of the EMT's here look at it. I was doing the right thing and gave her some medicine and she seemed ok enough. I just have to keep an eye on it. She slept, got up and had dinner then wanted me to watch a movie in bed. She was just sluggish. Today she woke up early and ate a good breakfast and took a long shower. Her hair was a mess again. I redressed her leg, which is looking much better. The area around one of her shots she got on Friday is a little red. Her skin rash she gets from time to time was back and she had a rash on her bottom again. These things don't happen when she is home. I was just not a happy camper to see this and even though I don't mind taking care of her needs I shouldn't have to and I can only hope she wasn't too uncomfortable. Her fingernails were black. I trimmed them and still had to dig out dirt. These things take a long time and that is why I wait a day for her to recover before I do them. Otherwise she just gets upset and cries and whines. She was fine with me doing everything today. I feel a little bad I don't clean her up right away but I do major things first and then let her relax first. So after all that was done I get this email. I just wanted to have a cup of tea and have some toast. Did Sean mention her leg? No. Her rashes? No. Should I feel impressed he told me about the incident? I don't feel that way because he still isn't seeing the bigger picture. You know though? That isn't what made me mad. This was just more of the same and I can handle that now with maybe a nasty expression on my face but I don't get so mad I want to scream. The next few lines made me furious. It was all about Connor. How Sean got a copy of Connor's school reports and how it looked like he was missing stuff. How he needs to go to his support blocks. He wanted to know if Connor had unexcused absences? How he missed a lot of school and was in danger. That he went online and checked the powerschool info and he was concerned about Connor's missing stuff. How Connor could come to his house for the weekend and that Connor had expressed he wanted to come over and they could do some math. The last time Connor was there they didn't do any because Connor forgot to bring it. That I knew wasn't true because I packed it myself and Connor complained about it not getting done. I wanted to scream. You jackass. He hasn't done ANYTHING concerning Connor's education except for one conference since he left. That was in 2007. Connor refused to even see his dad for that because we had already had conferences that Sean didn't bother to go to. Sean just decided to go to the school and demanded to be seen. Yes, Connor is missing stuff. He is still making up work from when he was absent. All of Connor's absences are excused except for the ones where the school messed up his schedule and that happened to Will as well. In fact most of the school had that problem. He is not in any danger at all. His worst class is science not math and Sean didn't offer to help in that. Connor does stay for the after school blocks already as well as the in school study block. Connor is also aware if he doesn't pass all his classes he loses his xbox for the whole next semester. He will do anything to prevent that. I should be pleased Sean is showing an interest I suppose. It's just that I feel you can't just show an interest when you think things are going wrong. It is an everyday thing. You can't just step in and order people around and take over because things aren't the way you think that should be. Where is he for the everyday stuff? To ask if the homework is done? Making calls to the teachers? Where is he then? Also, why just Connor? Sean doesn't care how Cade is doing or Will. He hasn't said anything about Sofie maybe being able to start preschool this spring. You can't just pick and choose which kid to harass. I am trying to calm down before I answer him. In fact I may just ignore him completely. I am leaning towards that because I am thinking answering him is giving him what he realy wants. That isn't info on the kids but power over me and my emotions. Connor never said to me he wanted to see his dad next weekend at all. In FACT he told me just this morning that he was going to work for a guy on the island this weekend to earn some money for a new game he wants. He saw Sean on Sunday on the boat. Connor had gone into town for a few hours and they rode the same boat back. On that ride Sean told Connor he would help him pay for a new hard drive for his xbox. Connor had earned enough money to pay for half of it. Connor knows this is hot air and that's why he has a job lined up the the weekend. How do I talk rationally with someone who is so full of it? It isn't real concern for his kids but a need for control. Control of me. Control of the kids. I checked my bank account yesterday and I saw DHHS had taken more money from Sean. Nearly $350. I was thrilled. I am sure he is pissed about it so now here is the concern for school? He doesn't have the control over the money like he used to so now he will find another way to torture us. I really wish I could change the divorce to where he could have no say in the kids stuff. He doesn't try to work on things. He ignores then makes demands. If I try to do anything he holds the divorce over my head saying he can say no to anything and he will sue. Control again. It's should be about a father having some rights but instead it's used as a tool to abuse. There is no other word for it but abuse. I am so thrilled I have so many more years to be abused by him. Good thing I am not already depressed.

When all is said and done can anybody tell me what the result of Connor's maybe visit is?

oh...take a guess.

He's not going. Why? After my last post I talked with Connor and he confirmed what he had said the day before that the plan was to come home on the 5:45 but he asked if things went well if he could stay to the 9:30 boat or until Saturday morning. I said that was fine and told him I had emailed his dad and would email him back asking if that was ok with him too and to let Sean know it was ok with me. At least I would know where Connor was. I emailed Sean and told him everything and asked if it was ok if Connor chose to could he stay longer? I also said again that if I didn't hear from him by 8pm then Connor wasn't going at all. That was at 4:30. Around 7:45 there was still no email from him. A few minutes later Sean calls. I answer and he asked for Connor. He did not talk to me at all about the plans. They talked a few minutes than Connor hung up. I asked him what the plan was and he said he wasn't going. He said his dad said "something came up" and he bailed. I was thinking about the earlier email Sean had sent me and it sounded to me like Sean had plans for Connor to spend the night. Had Sean forgotten them but confirmed to "save face" then said something came up? Connor had asked if he could come over on Saturday instead but Sean said no. What? It takes too much effort to try and figure out what Sean is thinking. Maybe he had the intentions (I hate that word) of seeing Connor but when push comes to shove he chooses his new family over his kids every time. Dunno. What a pain in the behind to go through the emails and waiting and parenting issues for ....nothing. What a toad.

Later this week I will be in a place where Sean and I visited a lot. I have a lot of years of memories there with him and Will and Connor. It almost seems like a different life before Cade was born. We were young and both working hard. Sean had his ups and downs and a lot of problems feeling he wasn't good enough, not doing enough, was going to be a bad father. He was hurtful to me during those times pushing me away and said hurtful things but he was faithful and I respected his efforts. Knowing what I know now I can see the bipolar episodes for what they were. The failures and the overextending of himself. The days on end with little to no sleep. The other days of sleeping and we had to be quiet or he would rage. He thought he was too much like his dad during those times and was afraid he would become abusive or alcoholic. We just reminded him of all his good points and got him through it. How naive.

I will be in a place where we did fun things with the kids and alone. A place where we laughed. A place I went a lot with my father and at first didn't want to share with Sean. I didn't want to go to the places I went with my dad and open myself up in that way. I did though. I wanted to share it with the kids and it became exciting. I knew the reason I didn't want to share before was because I knew odds were against us and if things went bad I would be sad. The more I loved him and the more I trusted him the easier it was to open up. Once the kids were born I trusted even more. I wanted Sean to be a part of my life and past and future. I really thought that no matter what fights we might have or bad times we could work through anything. I never once thought he would actually be out of my life, out of the kids life. I feel so sad to be looking forward to not seeing or hearing from him for two weeks in a row when there are no visits.

I waver between wanting to be there and not. I want to go back and build new fun memories with the kids but I also know the older boys will feel bad too. Still, they were little and hopefully not remember as much. They don't like being reminded of what their dad used to be like. I really can't comprehend how a parent can change so completely. If I can't how can they? Anyway, going doesn't bother me as much as before. I suppose next year or whenever I get back it will hurt less. I hope I can be reminded of the good times with a smile more than feeling like crying soon. I also don't want to get so wrapped up in the day to day divorce crap I forget he is sick. He needs help. I no longer feel like I need to be the one to help him. I just don't want to just think of him as a creep. It helps to keep me calm and less angry and reasonable to deal with the next problem he deals us with when I remember the place he is coming from. It helps me more than anything. It also helps the kids.

Yet another email from Sean....is it Christmas? He said he wasn't bringing Sofie home on the 4pm boat but the later one I told him not to do. There is nothing I can do of course. Why did he even bother to ask? He must have thought I would say yes. He gave excuses, Sofie was napping and he didn't want to wake her and he wasn't feeling well and he would have to bring all the "girls" with him to take that 4pm boat. Bingo. Do I look like I give a crap if he has to bring those other kids along? No, I don't. Not my kids, not my problem. Do I care he doesn't feel bad? Did he care when I was in a car accident? Uh..no..aaannnd no. Since there was nothing I could do this time I asked if she was feeling sick too and it was good she was resting...though I doubt she is. Then I said from now on it's the 4pm boat. Period. I told him to make whatever arrangements he needed to make it happen. I told him it was better for the kids routine and even if Cade wasn't there it was to be the 4pm boat. He had also said at the end of the email that he would give Sofie dinner so I wouldn't "have to deal with that." Humph. That is again suppose to placate me. I am just sick of the mind games. He made the choice to have the responsibility of Sofie and that woman's child and now another one. There are times you do what you gotta do. He needs to suck it up. I do.

Thinking good thoughts now to not get angry.....Will came home from work with a lobster. He got one yesterday too. Free. Soft shells they couldn't sell. I wish I liked lobster but I don't but at least Will gets to eat it and he loves it. It's funny when you think about it. It's so expensive in the stores but the lobster men were only getting a little over $2 a lb for it. Will gets to eat it almost every day when he works for free. His boss is super nice too and pays him for the days during the week he goes out and hauls even though Will only works Saturday and Sunday. His boss might only go out 2 more days a week since he waits for Will. Will is pretty lucky.

Well, before we get to the introspective stuff how about the ongoing dental update. Here is where I get weak and second guess myself and think...oh well, I guess I can wait a little longer. Right? No. Let's look at the big picture. Note, this is more for myself than anything to reaffirm my thought process. After the last dental appointment six months ago I emailed Sean and told him about the appointments for this month. Informed other parent...check. No reply from Sean. Nine weeks ago a phone call with said parent informing me of dental plan. Call went well. Eight weeks ago sent email reminding of appointment as asked for during previous phone call. Informed other parent...again...check. Six weeks ago..had therapy session where he said he didn't want to work with me about dentist because I was bitchy. Since August 28th I have sent him 9 emails asking for info and also informing him about pick times for the kids and other medical needs about them. Emails from Sean as of today.....1. The last email I sent I told him he had until Friday to give me the dental info. I did not tell him what my response to his not telling me would be. Yesterday afternoon he sent this:

Got it. I'm sorry I haven't had the time to respond to a few of the more recent emails but I will shortly. I've been extremely busy. Thanks for the dentist info. I'll take care of that.

Note to self, he did not tell me any of the info. He has not sent me the insurance cards. He says, I'll take care of that, meaning what exactly? Like the way he took care of things with the IRS? Does he really think I believe him? This is the stall tactic in action. He knew he had a due date. He tells me "something" thinking that will be enough without telling me what I need to know. Sneaky. He sounds nice, seems reasonable and has an excuse with words to the effect that things will be taken care of. Simple humm? I am not the same person who just said, "uh..ok." trusted blindly and let him take care of things anymore. I. do. not. believe. him. Anyway, my response to his email:

Sean, I still want the dental information myself as well. Thanks, Amy

Meanwhile I have also asked Cade's teacher for a contact number for the school insurance. Why bother calling the school Sean works at and get stonewalled? They are in the same district. I can get the info quicker and then I can see if the insurance company stonewalls. If so then I can call the district and inform them directly of what I need and why. I even know where the office is. I can go with divorce in hand if need be. I doubt the principle at the school he works for wants to deal with this mess. If Sean gets me the info while I am doing this fine. If not I will get it one way or another. I am also calling DHHS back on Monday and see what they recommend. They can be helpful if you get the right person.

Moving on...

My talk with Cade the other night was interesting to say the least. I tried not to get upset when he told me that a door almost fell on him. I guess they took his bedroom door off the hinges to put on their bedroom doorway instead. Their previous door was too short and "the beast" could crawl under it (she's seven and the size of a blade of grass) which hindered their privacy. So Cade has no door. He also has no beds either. They took all his stuff. Anyway, it was off the hinges and "the beast" knocked it over towards him. Cade jumped out of the way just before it was going to hit him. In response to being scared half to death he smacked her and asked if she was trying to kill him. She went crying to Sean. I thought to myself that it probably wouldn't have killed Cade..unless it hit his head or something but he could have been more likely to have a broken limb or something...then I thought....what if it had hit Sofie? Then my freaking went up a notch or two. I said nothing though. I just had my arm over my eyes and listened. Well, she was yelled at by both Sean and her mother and got a time out. I almost felt bad for her. Sean yelling is scary. How her mother let's him do that I just don't understand at all. I do wonder though if she meant to do it on purpose and just doesn't understand the ramifications her actions could have had. Then Cade said he was forced to go to one of Sean's soccer games with "the beast". He went on a bit about how boring it is but there are other kids there that are also bored to tears week after week. SO bored in fact they are making out. Cade said "the beast" is usually alone because the other kids don't like her. She says she doesn't care because she doesn't like them anyway. So Cade runs off with a couple of boys near his age and they come across a second grade girl and a third grade boy from "the beast's" school that were as Cade put it, "making out". I looked at him then and asked what he meant by that? Hugging? I mean...second grade. He said they were kissing and groping, lying in the grass. Oh. My. God. I asked him where their parents were. He said the dads were on the field. Moms? Not there. Lovely. He asked me not to tell his dad. Like I would. Not that he cares in the first place. After all Cade and "the beast" were all alone. Thank goodness Sofie was napping at the house. I don't even know these people. I wonder though at the other parents that might have been there. I DO know one of them. Cade knows her too and he said she just ignores everyone. So. Whatever. Could you stand by and watch that? How gross. So young. Cade said he was pretty grossed out and the other boys were laughing. Yuck. So I got 2 hours of dumping. I know Cade didn't really want to see his dad this weekend and was talking to calm his nerves. It is a new thing. Before he would just get grumpy and take it out on everyone. Now he talks, and complains and gets nervous. I just love new things. *sigh* When we got to the baylines after swim yesterday for the pick up Cade said to me again (it was the fifth time that day) he didn't want to go. I said, "Well, tell him that and tell him why. If he knows you can't stand the fighting and what's going on and how much it is hurting you then at least he knows and can try to make some changes to make you more comfortable. He can't do anything for you if you don't tell him." Cade, "He won't do anything." Me, "Maybe so, but he really won't at all if you say nothing." Cade, "He will yell at me if I tell him I don't want to go." Me, "Cade, he isn't going to yell at you here in a room full of people. You're safe here." Cade, "Yeah, he's a coward around other adults." I think I made my tongue bleed trying not to answer that one. We waited. Sofie had a busy time at swim and was exhausted. She napped for an hour and a half in the car and was drinking some milk on the bench when she started to cry. I stood her up and held her and asked her what was wrong. She said she missed me. I told her I was right here. She said she didn't want to to leave me, her precious mumma behind. It was so cute and sad at the same time. Finally someone calls me precious...:) Sean came in then. I told her dad was coming. She only held me tighter with tears in her eyes. I felt like crap. Cade was wringing his hands. I brought her over to him and she was crying now. Sean asked what was wrong and I told him she was tired. She didn't want him to hold her. Cade then came up and Sean said hi to him and asked him how he was doing. Cade said fine and then said he didn't want to come. Wham, just like that. I made like I didn't hear anything and asked Sofie if she wanted some milk to feel better and she said yes so we left to go back to the bench. As we left I could hear Sean ask Cade why and I saw him get the arms crossed defensive thing he does and he looked annoyed. I helped Sofie and she seemed better after a drink and I got her a toy ring she had earlier that she likes and I held her and walked around for a bit. Finally Sean came up behind us and said Cade was going home with me and Sofie still didn't want him to hold her. I told her to tell him about what a great job she did in swim and that got her talking and I was able to slide her over to him. She said goodbye and was about to cry again but I gave her her milk cup and ring and that distracted her. They left and I looked at Cade who was very frazzled. He said, "He tries to make me feel guilty and like a bad person." I hugged him and told him he isn't a bad person being honest. I didn't ask him what Sean said and he hasn't told me but I am sure he will when he can tell me without tearing up. He was very excited to come home. He slept in today and just looks so relaxed. oh...I almost forgot...my title. The reason I chose it is because during the big talk the other night Cade said he was tired of hearing his dad talk about things that cause cancer and organic this and that. The evils of high fructose corn syrup. Cade said..."What about just eating what you want but not stuff yourself with it? You know what's it called? Moderation or something? So what if you have a little high fructose corn syrup? Unless your like, diabetic. Just a little, you know, not like 10 cans of soda. I mean..this is dad talking. He ate package after package of cupcakes and boxes of dunkin' donuts. He ate a pack of hot dogs..by himself! Hot dogs..not kosher either. The kinds filled with you don't want to know what. NOW he tells me, "Don't eat that!" Pleeeaasee. Get real. He is a whole different person. He is like her clone or something. He says what she says, likes what she likes, talks like she talks, thinks like she thinks, doesn't do ANYTHING he used to do that he said made him happy. If you don't believe what they believe your "an idiot" or "stupid". That's what he used to say about grandma and grandpa. How are they any different? What makes her happy makes him happy he says. Brainwashed much? Jeeze."

What can I say to that?

The Argument from Intimidation is a confession of intellectual impotence.
Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982), The Virtue of Selfishness, 1964