Friday, January 15, 2010

When the milk hits the fan

0 comments Posted by perphila at 10:25 AM

Talked with Connor's crew teacher yesterday. She has run a lot of interference with all the other teachers and the social worker and we came up with a plan for Connor. Sadly, he has my perfectionist tendencies which although makes him turn in excellent work he hates to turn it in on time if it isn't up to his standards. That is a workable thing. I should also mention Connor is a slow person. This is a Sean trait and a trait of his paternal grandma. Not slow as in dumb but just in everything he does. Fast paced things are just not him. He moves at his own pace like a turtle and nothing makes him deviate from it. He gets everything accomplished but he has his own world speed. So, the faster pace of high school is something he has to learn to adjust to. Transition to. He isn't bothered in the least about it but he has to learn some compromises. We talked things over, Connor included and chose to drop his French course and give him an extra study hall for his work. He will be with his crew teacher who is also his English teacher and Connor thought it was a good idea too. He is happy with the plan. French is an elective and it won't count against him come credit time. He can take it up again if he wants or take a summer course if he chooses. He still has things to make up and he might be able to pick up a class in the third trimester. We'll see. There are a lot of factors to consider. Staying after school is not a option for him at this point. The long day (7pm home time) is just too much for him while it is dark out. He really has issues with sleep, depression and the dark. Having the extra time in school w/a teacher is a great solution. His incompletes are now passes, except for his science. He has conflicts w/that teacher so even though he has turned in all his work it comes down to if the teacher thinks he understands the concepts or not. If not he will have to take that again next year. He doesn't need four years of science though and they have more interesting courses to take. He loved chemistry so he is looking into that. He could also double up on science next year or even take a summer course. He doesn't need to but he could.

Here is the rub...Sean. I agreed to the change in Connor's schedule because it was the recommendation of the the teachers, the principal and it was what Connor was excited about. Connor didn't agree quickly. He thought about it for two days and weighed pros and cons before he agreed. His crew teacher is very impressed at how he thinks things through first. I can hear Sean now flipping out about a change. What's done is done. Connor had problem with attendance due to his sleep/depression issues. Main problem. He is in active therapy at school and with his own therapist (which was at my instigation, phone calls and convincing Connor this was needed) and so far is doing well. This has enabled him to be productive and he is engaged with working with his teachers and me to maintain himself and fix past problems. I still have a sinking feeling Sean will be pissed he wasn't consulted about the change before it happened. Maybe I should have said something. I dunno. Maybe if he hadn't threatened me I would have. He hasn't said anything to me about it since and he hasn't spoken to the teachers again or the social worker. Connor still isn't speaking to his dad and flat out told the teachers he didn't want his dad involved in any conferences or for them to speak to him without Connor's knowledge. I am glad things are improving for Connor. Even if it's just a week at a time. He has done a full week and is rewarding himself with some time with friends in town on Monday. This was a suggestion of the therapist. Some positive reinforcement. Then he is going to refocus on another full week. Isn't that the whole point? No matter how we get there? The fact Connor is getting back on track and is happy? It may not be enough for Sean I'm afraid. I have considered if it would be easier for Connor to get to school if he lived with his dad since he lives in town. This was a very, very hard thing to think about. I talked to Connor about it. He flat out refused. He said his dad was pressuring him to change schools to the one "the wife" teaches at. He didn't want to see her everyday or happen to have her as a teacher. He also said he knew there was no bed for him or room. He would miss all of us too much even if he fights with us sometimes. That place is just not home and never would be. I also had to think about the fact his dad wouldn't be taking him to therapy, wouldn't consider Connor's mental state or notice the signs that come and go. That is a huge factor to me. So we'll see. I am not trying to count a chicken before it's hatched but I don't think it would be smart not to know there is an egg bomb, waiting.

 

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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Keeping an eye out = ulcer

0 comments Posted by perphila at 9:51 AM

So, day three of the one week plan is still on track. Somewhat. Connor has made the boat two days in row and last Friday. It seems small to be viewing it this way but it really is best to do it one day at a time for now. I can see he is putting a lot of effort into making it to school and his work. That is about all the stress he is able to handle. When he gets home his mood is good but he has to have down time almost right away before he can even begin to think about helping out with chores. As it is he is already starting the, "I'll do it." Then it's too late and time for bed. We can NOT skimp on his sleep. Finding balance is going to be an on going struggle for him I think. I asked him to do three things yesterday, bring the folded laundry basket upstairs, put away the clean dishes and bring the trash barrels back from the road. He only brought the laundry upstairs. One thing is better than none. I am trying to not get upset about it. We need to focus on school right now. Yesterday he talked with his crew teacher and she said she would talk to his science teacher about being more responsive to his questions and to be more clear about any missed work. He gets pretty upset when he asks for the work and his only response is a finger pointing to the wall. He does what is there and feels proud then is told he isn't asking for the work and is behind. Then he gets upset. I don't want him feeling like it isn't worth even bothering about when he is trying and is shot down. He said he told her about his dad and he said he felt better about having her being a middle man for him and being in his corner. I told him I had spoken with the social worker and what she had said. I told him there would be a conference before we made any changes. We may not even need to. When I try and look at it in that perspective then him bailing out of a chore or two is on the lower end of the priority list for me. It's something on the back burner to discuss in a later therapy session. I know from Cade the need for down time is VERY important. Cade for example came back from his dad's this weekend and pretty much ignored us for a few hours and zoned out. His mood wasn't angry or unhappy. He just needed some time to himself. His dad didn't even come back on the boat with him but just sent him alone. At least I had a neighbor go with him on Friday when I couldn't be there. Monday morning though he was all in an uproar. He was banging things around and had a headache and was just on the verge of tears. He was saying he hates school and that I know is not true. He loves his school and teacher. I kept him home and we did all his work online with the help of his teacher who also has been there from the very beginning with this mess and knows Cade had trouble adjusting. Today he is back to himself and bounded out the door. When he found out next week he would have to stay an extra day (because of the holiday) he cried. I hope Sean sends them back on Sunday anyway. Most of the time he is pretty selfish about his time and would send them back but he is unpredictable.


Good things. Sofie loves Indiana Jones. She hums the theme song at least once a day. Cade was messing around on the computer last week and found the theme and played it for her. She ran off and got my great uncles hat (almost like a fedora) and grabbed Connor's belt and had it on as a whip. I asked her if she was going as Indie for Halloween. She said yep and that Cade was going to be the boulder. Cade and I laughed for quite a while. I could just see him dressed like a big boulder chasing her down the road.

Good thing two. Sofie is developing a sense of style. Yesterday she dressed herself in pink leggings, a long sleeved striped shirt that almost reached her knees, a pink cat collar and black cowboy boots w/a pink stripe on the sides. She topped it all off with a furry purple scarf. I know it sounds odd but she looked great. Today she has purple leggings a pink long sleeved shirt with a purple fuzzy vest. She has pink princess flip flops and a pink hat. She again pulled it off and has made the combo look really interesting and not silly. Maybe she will be a fashion designer?

 

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Monday, January 11, 2010

Progress?

1 comments Posted by perphila at 12:33 PM

I am working today for the first time in weeks. I really need the money. It would have been nice to know I wasn't needed until 8:30. I wouldn't have gotten up at five thinking I needed to be ready by 6:45 like usual. It's nap time and I am resting my foot. It still aches when I am on it too long. I do not want to go to the doctor though.


I called the school social worker last week about Connor and I finally got a call back today. She is a new one so I had to fill her in on stuff. Pretty much everything so she had some background on Connor. The old one that had been there for Will was real nice but this one seems good too. I had to let her know about Connor going back to therapy and other things. I find it interesting how sometimes I forget and doubt myself on if I am doing a good job or not as a mom. I was telling her about Sean and what we went through in 07 and his meds and stuff. The divorce and how the kids therapy went. I told her about Connor's suicidal comments and my struggle to get him his pdoc evaluation. She asked about where the kids lived and all that jazz. She told me how I did the right thing in getting him help and I was a good mom to recognize the problem and the fact there is an issue going on with him again now. She said she spoke with him and that he was well spoken and she was impressed that at his age he knew there was a problem too even if he didn't know what it was. She asked me if I was ok and how I was coping with all these issues. Just speaking with someone new and going over how much Sean was involved in Connor's life I was able to see that even though Sean has "been involved" with Connor and school recently it's been what, two emails and one phone call in two months in all the time he has been gone from our lives? She said Connor has been telling her the same thing and that his dad making threats is very stressful. What makes me doubt myself is Sean. Every single thing he says and does makes me second guess what I do and all my decisions. I hate that. When someone from the outside sees what I do and sees what he does then they think I am a bit nuts to doubt I am not doing enough. Sean makes me feel inept and substandard. I don't feel that way when he isn't around. Did he really beat me down that much and I didn't notice? I stood up to him so often and so much I never realized he was getting to me in other ways. Connor is now seeing her once a week as well as his own therapist. She knew who he was and thought he was a great fit for Connor too. I know if we have to make changes to Connors school schedule that Sean will put up a fuss. I am still scared he will use Connors issues to use against me to hurt me and not think about what is good for Connor long term. Anyway, she is going to help me set something up this week to see Connor's teachers. She totally understood me backing off to let Connor test the waters and transition and me stepping in when he asked for it and needed it. How would he grow otherwise if I did everything for him? I really hope we can help him in a way where he doesn't feel stupid and allow depressive tendencies to make him doubt himself. To be honest I really wish all this would go away. I could deal with Connor and all the kids and the money issues fine if Sean would just drop off the face of the earth. He is a constant shadow on everything. I really feel sad sometimes knowing I have to deal with him for the rest of my life. Even if he died today I would have to deal the the kids emotional aftermath and how his presence and/or lack of it shaped them.

Time for lunch and switch the kids out for naps.

 

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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Trying not to say I told you so

0 comments Posted by perphila at 8:58 AM

Which is rearing it's ugly head again? The bipolar or the crappy father/ex-husband? Mixture of both is my guess.


I am no longer swayed by little bits of kindness Sean occasionally shows anymore. I now see it as a precursor to something nasty down the road. When the kids were sick last week I asked Sean to send some juice and medicine and he did. That was a good thing. He didn't offer. I had to ask. Also he waited a full day before getting around to doing it. I will give him points for doing it at all. My heart didn't soften because of it.

Connor had some issues with his xbox. It was broken and he had managed to get a "new" used one yesterday after school. Sadly, when he tried it out it didn't work properly. He was pretty mad which I don't blame him for but I was glad to see this time he didn't take it out on any of us. He even was composed enough to not act like a jerk the whole evening. We all felt bad for him. I guess however he was still wanting some sympathy and he called his dad. I understand his need to want to talk with his dad about his problems like he used to. He still doesn't quite understand that while his dad may sound sympathetic and say all the right things he is really only using the opportunity to further his own needs and agenda.

Connor brought the phone to me saying Sean wanted to ask me about Connor spending some weeknights with him and Connor didn't want to "deal with it" and wanted to me tell his dad that wasn't going to be happening. Sean and I have discussed this before. No school nights and both Sean and I need to know about any weekend visits. I took the phone expecting for Sean to talk about Connor coming to a visit and instead he begins giving me the third degree about Connor's school work. I was surprised and I am sure I sounded it. I answered his questions but it became obvious he was confused. A lot of the questions were things we had already discussed over the phone weeks ago. Also he kept asking me why the school site was saying he was failing all his classes. I had told him before about how this school works and it's grading system and how the site is only as good as when the teachers update and they can't do it every single day which can mean a lot. I flat out told him again Connor wasn't failing his classes. He had passed everything for the last trimester except for one incomplete which he dealt with already even if it wasn't reflected on the site. He kept asking me if the site was "lying". Why wasn't it updated? Things like that I I really can't answer. So he got angry with me and said fine he would just call the teachers himself. I told him that was fine. Then he began questioning me again about what Connor had done to fix things. I told him to hold on and that he could ask Connor himself. I got Connor and told him his dad was concerned about his school work and that the school site hadn't been updated to reflect his grades and was saying he had failed all his classes from the last trimester. Connor just shook his head and sighed and took the phone. I told him he dad wanted to know what he had done and what teachers he talked to to make up his work. Connor spoke to his dad and they hung up. I was surprised again but Sean didn't ask to speak to me again about any visits and didn't say anything about if what Connor had told him helped clear up any confusion. Connor said he felt his dad now understood things better.

I checked my email on instinct and sure enough there was something there from Sean. He was real suave hitting all the right points. I knew this was something he was dying to print out for some judge. I was beside myself at his attitude and what was worse he cc'd it to Connor! He was telling me how he believed I was irritated at him over the phone and frustrated at his inconsistency when it came to Connor and his school and how bad I must feel to have had to carry the burden. He said how I "needed" to work with him and how disappointed he was. He was trying to sound like he understood my feelings and that I might be resistant to him trying to help Connor but that he was interested and willing to help. He really made me look like I was a bad guy hindering Connor's progress. He said he would call me later this week to discuss what we had to do for Connor. There was a huge power play thing going on. He was "telling" me what I needed to do and what he was going to decide for Connor basically.

Anyway, since he sent it to Connor too we had to discuss it. Connor wasn't pleased. He asked me if his dad had spoken to me about any visits and I said no. Connor read the email and shook his head and told me to not even bother answering it. He said, "Let him call my teachers. If he doesn't listen to you or me maybe he will listen to them. He said he now understood me but apparently that was hot air." It's too bad Connor got to see how much his dad was trying to make me look like an idiot and a bad mother. Will said, "You really shouldn't have called him." Connor didn't say anything. Usually by this point he would be defending his dad. He didn't this time.

So, there was a lot I wanted to say to Sean. I didn't respond to the email though. Several reasons. One I felt I would be giving Sean something he wanted even if he didn't realize it. I was not going to engage him in conflict. This is something he craves and it releases his tensions and stresses and I am not going to be his emotional punching bag. Let his new wife do that. Second, he wasn't listening to me anyway. I do not need to defend myself. I answered all his questions to the best of my ability surprised or not. This was all I could do to co-parent with him. Him showing interest is good. Sadly, based on his track record I know it will be short lived and any thing he agrees to do to "help" Connor won't last. It better to have a plan in place that doesn't have to rely on Sean as a major component. I also noted that if Connor hadn't called Sean more than likely Sean would not have called me about this new found interest in Connor's education. Also, where is Sean's concern in his other kids in school? You can't just pick and choose which kid you want to have interest in when it's convenient for you. You have to find a balance for each of them. Some days you are better at it than others but you don't totally ignore some of them. I really thought it was audacious of him to tell me what I "needed" to do for our kids. Give me a break. That was what stuck in my throat. What about what he needs and should to for his kids? Like pay the child support, go to conferences, not steal from them, talk to them, not lie to them, give them birthday presents, come to their events, offer to help them with anything, not block their medical treatments, treat their mother with respect and not shove her in front of them? How about that? Heaven forbid if I don't answer a question he may have I don't even know the answer to. Not to mention a big factor in some of Connor's missing work has been his mood swings and how when he has visited his dad he has missed school because he has gotten ill after visits. I am well aware this illness is in his head. He is upset emotionally even though he denies it and says , "whatever", but then he gets headaches and stomach aches and even gets fevers. So why would I let Connor stay with him on a school night? The last time I did that he was "sick" for three days. Can I co parent with Sean and tell him this? HA...yeah right.

So, the confusion he was showing was concerning. It was more than just not being fully informed. The ego and insistence we were lying to him, a website is lying was also kinda freaky. I am sure he has a good spin on it for "the wife" so I look like Miss Crazy Pants. I don't mean to joke about it but at this point it is a coping skill to keep me from getting angry with him for some things I know he isn't in control of. I wonder how long it will take for him to go back to his meds? For all I know he resumed taking them and this is a new side effect. I just don't know anymore and if it didn't directly affect the kids I really wouldn't care either.

 

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Thursday, November 19, 2009

Half Decent Day

0 comments Posted by perphila at 4:54 PM

Ok, the school guidance counselor came out to the island today. It's been a while since she has been here. She came to the house and we had some one on one time (which was really great for me) and I was able to catch her up on how Cade was doing. She brought us a food card as a Thanksgiving treat which was really nice. She was really impressed at my commitment at keeping the kids in therapy even with the extra effort of having to bring them in town. Not easy I can tell you.


Then Cade had his school conference. He is doing great. He has had some frustration issues but not like last year. My keeping him out for the morning the few times I did it was endorsed and not criticized. After all, if he only going to get snarly at people then he isn't doing himself an favors and it's also disruptive to the whole school. There isn't another room there for people to "cool off". It's one room school house after all. He was given a lot of praise on how he treats the younger students. He is starting to develop the school is school and home is home mind set like Will does. He answers questions but doesn't elaborate. He still shares how he is doing with the friends outside of school which is good for him. Sofie was great at the school today. She was "reading" and doing puzzles and following directions. She was saying, "no thank you" to snacks and sharing. She really fit right in. The teachers are really hoping the preschool program is approved for the spring or next year.

Then my car was looked at again today. The guy helping out thinks it's the alternator. I am grateful for the help but the guy is a little creepy. He is getting a new one and hopefully it will be running in a week or so. Then he asks me..."What do you like?" I had no idea what he meant. So I said, "Lot's of things. What do you mean?" He said, "Well, do you like chocolate or something?" I could see where this was going and said, "Well, my mama raised me right and said I should be thankful for whatever I am given." He looked at me kinda funny and I was laughing on the inside at his expression. He is creepy. Seriously. As he was leaving a friend came over to pick up some water I had saved for her( I have better drinking water than she does) and she said, "Don't you think he is a little creepy?" Ha ha. So I told her the story and I told her it was a good thing she was married. She said if she wasn't she would just pound him anyway. Also she didn't think he could fix my car. I kinda knew that anyway and I have someone else coming to look at it but I didn't want to be mean.

Speaking of friends I am going out tomorrow night with a few of them. A girls night. We are going to see New Moon and stay overnight in town. We are meeting up with another friend who can't go with us because of work for dinner. All of us are from the island. One friend said..."Well, would you look at that? My calendar says I might actually have a social life!" On Saturday I am meeting up with Will for a school craft fair for a little bit then I am going up the coast with one of the "girls" to go a bookstore/antique shop. I used to go there every year. I went with my dad then I showed Sean and we went there together. We even went there one year during our anniversary because the inn we stayed at was nearby. I haven't been there since he left and I don't want to not do the things I used to because of him and all the memories that feel tainted now. We used to bring the kids with us too. I don't plan on buying anything. Maybe a few books since they are all used and I can get 4 for a dollar sometimes. I can get xmas gifts if I am a savvy shopper. I am really looking forward to being a person and not just a mom for a few days. I won't even be near the older boys really. It's kind of scary too. It has been a long time. I am doing this on purpose. I have to be me to be a good mom. My old therapist would be proud.

Will is going to be in town until Saturday. He is actually involved in a school function (shock) and has to be at the school early to help out. Fund raiser and craft fair. So he is staying with a friend for two nights. They love him there and always tell him he can stay anytime. Who knew good manners would pay off right? Sean lives in town but Will would rather be set on fire than stay with him. It just isn't an option for him. The mom Will is staying with has met Sean and let's just say he didn't leave a favorable impression. Another reason she is so glad to have Will there.

Cade has therapy tomorrow. It has been a few weeks. Scheduling and stuff. I am so glad he has it even though I really don't want to get up at 5am and freeze walking to the boat.

I got paid today. I call it "my better than nothing" checks. All my checks are like that. Still, it's enough to pay for my parking next month and ferry tickets for two weeks. Now I hope I can make enough for the rent. If I get my child support, even a third of it I will be fine. Here's hoping.

 

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Friday, November 13, 2009

Mixed Feelings

0 comments Posted by perphila at 7:37 AM

I did my linens yesterday in preparation for my company this weekend. Also, since Sofie was sick I had to do her sheets anyway. I really loved going to bed last night. My sheets felt so nice and smelled so good. I always love that feeling.


Sofie was a handful yesterday. She was grumpy and didn't want to take a nap. Finally at 5pm I got her settled. I knew it was late for a nap but she really needed it. As it turned out she slept all the way until 5:30 this morning. She is fine now.

I was able to do Will's conference yesterday after all. His crew leader is the principal and he called and asked if we could do it by speakerphone. Nice. So we did and Will is doing great. Connor's teacher had to catch a plane after school so she said we might do the same thing next week. I like that but I am going to see if she can see me anyway. I want to put Connor on the spot a little.

Cade and Sofie have to go on a visit this weekend. Since Sofie is better I am going to let her go. She isn't very happy about going. She is also sad to be missing my friends visit and her dog. Cade is also a bit snarly about it but that's mostly because he knows his dad will want to tell him off for not calling him back. I told Cade he made the choice to not call his dad back and that does come with the consequence of having a "talk" with dad. If dad gets out of hand with the talk by giving out guilt trips or name calling then that is NOT his fault. I told him if possible he should try and tell his dad why he doesn't like talking to him. The old thing about how his dad can't do anything about things he doesn't know about discussion. It's getting old because even though the kids tell him he never does anything about his behavior. I just remind them that if they do everything they can then they will know they tried and will never look back with regret. It's kind of a hard idea for them to grasp because that is a long term thing and they have no basis yet to really understand it. Someday I hope they understand.

 

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Thursday, November 12, 2009

The things he misses out on

0 comments Posted by perphila at 10:38 AM

Choices. I had to reschedule Will and Connor's conferences until next week because Sofie is sick. Last Friday Cade had a tummy ache and felt bad but he never really got sick. I am hoping that was his bout with the "flu" and he was able to fight it off. Last night at 3am Sofie woke up and threw up everywhere. She was able to get some sleep but kept getting up. She doesn't have a fever yet so that's good. She is in good spirits though and no one else here is sick. Cade was the only kid in school today. The teacher called and asked if I wanted him to come home and I said if they were willing to teach him then he could stay. I doubt he was thrilled with that. All the other kids are home with upset stomachs and high fevers. I couldn't bring Sofie with me to town with her upset stomach and my own lack of sleep. I hate having to put off the conferences but I really didn't have a choice. It's times like this I feel sad the kids only have one parent. I can only do so much. It's great the teachers at the school are understanding. Will started his freshman year there only days after Sean left. All the teachers there know the situation and Will has been quiet open and at times blunt about it. I have been to all the conferences and what school events I couldn't attend I sent things like cookies or donations. I try and be as involved as I can even at the high school without being too in your face. I don't want to be "embarrassing". Anyway, Sofie in the end slept more than me and now I will have the challenge of keeping her in bed for the day. She woke up and said she wasn't sick anymore. Of course as long a she isn't actively puking she thinks she isn't sick. Her occasional dry heaves give her away. She also wants to drink a lot and doesn't understand that too much isn't good either. I like having ice pops for her. I am getting some new (to Sofie anyway) kids movies from a neighbor today. I hope they keep her happy so she stays put. Now, back the laundry. She really made a mess.

 

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Monday, November 9, 2009

Weird

2 comments Posted by perphila at 8:45 AM

Ok, so yesterday should have been a real honest to goodness full day off. Did it happen? I got a call about getting a new client for cleaning in the morning. I agreed. I need the money. Then I felt overwhelmed all of a sudden. Like a huge heavy weight. I didn't want to leave the house. I wasn't feeling resentful of not having my day. I mean I was doing chores anyway. I just can't explain it. It wasn't good though. I started thinking, oh crap, now I am going to be the mental case and be a shut in. Sofie and Cade went for a walk and to go visit next door to play. Will went in town to hang with a friend and Connor was working. Things were quiet and calm. My car was "fixed" again yesterday and turns over now. I had to go outside and talk with George about it. My insides were screaming the whole time to get back inside and for him to just leave even though he was being very kind. Sofie and Cade came home after a few hours and half way through Sofie's nap she woke up with growing pains. Of course it was just when I was about to leave to go meet up with the guy to do a walk through on his place. Crud. I had to call him and see if we could meet later. He was cool about it and said his neighbor who just happens to be the mom I babysit for could do the walk through with me instead since he was leaving on the next boat. I felt super duper. I thanked the evil kiddy pain gods for inadvertently helping me out. I am sure fate was displeased. Then I realized I had started my period and that was why I felt like crap and was acting all sketchy person down the block. I was so happy not to be needing to look up pdocs for myself. I'm just your average crazy woman. Today is back to normal routine. Babysitting and getting caught up on paperwork and other things I put off this weekend. I have to go into town Thursday for conferences for Will and Connor so I am going to try and chill as much as possible and just let it ride..:)

 

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Thursday, November 5, 2009

Here we go again...

0 comments Posted by perphila at 10:17 AM

I swear. I am never answering the phone during the daytime again if I see Sean's name on the caller ID. If it's when the boys are home, fine. Most likely he is calling for them anyway. I thought the hardest thing I would have to do today was defrost the freezer. I was going for a totally emotionally stress free day. No such luck. So, since I didn't answer the email he sent he decided to call instead. Two big things. One was about Connor. He wanted to know if I got his email. I said yes and didn't volunteer anything else. There is nothing to say. He asked if Connor was staying after today and tomorrow. I said no. He asked why. I said he didn't need to. He asked if all his work was made up and the whole idea if explaining to him about how certain teachers are only there certain days would have been over his head anyway. I said he was using his academic support block in school to take care of things and staying after wasn't necessary. He asked about the absent marks and I had to explain the scheduling snafu which made it look like he was out for one or two classes three days a week when he was there in a different class. Connor had already explained this to him before and here I was doing it again. He asked if Connor was coming over to see him this weekend and I told him Connor had planned on working this weekend so I doubted he would. He said, "This Friday?" I swallowed all my sarcastic responses and simply said yes. Then he said, "Well, I'll see Cade on Friday." Problem two. Now when the phone calls were going on between Cade and Sean last week over Halloween Cade had made the offer of switching weekends. That would mean he would be seeing his dad this coming weekend. Sean never answered Cade about it during their first talk at all. Sean also didn't say anything to me about agreeing to that when we talked during that same phone call. When Sean called back to tell Cade he could stay he never mentioned he expected to see Cade this weekend. He never said he was accepting Cade's offer. He never even said, have a good time see you next week. Nothing. When Cade hung up I asked him if his dad mentioned anything about this weekend and he said no. Sean never asked to speak to me and he hung up before I could ask. Cade did not think for one second he was going to have to go over there this weekend. Here is where I messed up. Another live and learn thing on how to make things are crystal clear with someone who is an expert of lies of omission and manipulation. I should have followed up and emailed Sean myself to check plans. I again made the mistake of trusting that Sean and one of his kids could come to a compromise neatly and clearly. Now I am going to have to clean up another emotional mess. I was taken by surprise obviously when Sean said that about Cade and I asked him what he meant. He told me, "We switched weekends." I told him I did not agree to that. What I had agreed to was for Cade to make the offer and that it needed to be worked out between them. I told him that when he called Cade last Sean did not talk to me directly about agreeing to a switch and that Cade has no idea that was what Sean was expecting. I told him he would have to talk with Cade tonight and settle things then tell me what their plan was after their conversation. In any case even if Cade agrees to come in for the weekend I would not be bringing him until Saturday. All my plans for Friday are postponed because we are supposed to be getting 45 mile an hour winds and the boat won't run in anything over 30mph. I might even keep the older boys home. Getting to town wouldn't be an issue but if the winds pick up then we wouldn't be able to get back. I haven't made an firm decision yet. I need to see the weather tonight first. Sean said ok about Saturday. I can tell in his mind it's already settled and Cade is coming. How am I going to have to break this to Cade? We had even made plans to go shopping on Saturday to Goodwill for pants and maybe find a new movie there. Do some window shopping for xmas. Maybe see a real honest to goodness movie with lunch. He is so looking forward to it. Now I will have to brace him to have to talk with his dad again. Another hard conversation. Tonight is going to be miserable. He was even talking about his dad today and it was not in a good way. Then of course there is Connor. I have to talk with him about his dad calling about his school. Connor is going to need to call him himself and tell him he isn't coming (or email) and explain his situation with his absences and make up work. Not what I wanted today.

 

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Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The new duck

1 comments Posted by perphila at 8:30 AM

For a long time when I was feeling overwhelmed at the stuff Sean was doing or was feeling the hurt and shame and sadness that comes with all of this I would think, envision if you will, I was a duck and that all the crap just slid off my back and I would chant, "quack, quack" over and over in my head. My own personal mantra of inner well being. I probably looked a little insane saying quack with my eyes closed but I think 9 times out of ten I did it in my head. At least I hope so. I think my duck died, or maybe it was covered like the ones you see on tv, slicked up with oil. It was like one of them and fighting for mental survival. So, I would like to introduce my new meditation focus, Watermelon Cat. It's funny. At least to me. It reminded me of how absurd the fight or whatever it is that is bothering me is in reality. I have a new picture and mantra to keep myself calm. Plus it's cuter than the duck. Maybe I can envision eating the watermelon when the crisis has passed as my own psychic reward. Sweet. I hope this works.


The stress yesterday really got to me. I had a headache at bed time and risked taking a sleeping pill. I hate those things because I am sluggish the next day and even though they help me fall asleep I am still up at night anyway. No small sounds escape me. I just didn't want to be in bed thinking about stuff and not going to sleep on time. Bad for the routine. Last night was fine but I woke up with a nasty tummy ache. I wonder if it was from the pill or the fact I had leftovers for dinner. Combo of the two? Who knows.

I had my talk with Connor yesterday. It was actually a good conversation. He came home happy and told me he was getting a 4 in French. That is the highest score you can get. Sean telling me he was missing stuff in every class was obviously another untruth because it's impossible to get a 4 with missing work. I told Connor I had called the school about his absences and he told me he had already been working on it. He had cleared it up with one teacher already and found out that the teacher had forgotten to input the change in the computer so Connor had to follow up with him and remind him. Another teacher was working with him because she knew he was in class the whole time and not tardy but her records were showing he was in other class altogether! So, I told him I was glad to see he was taking responsibility to clear things up. I told him that time was getting short though and he needed to talk to all his teachers and look for discrepancies. He can't just assume that because he knows he was there and on time that it was marked correctly. I told him it may take as long as a week to do all this but that the end of next Friday it should be corrected. Also while he is meeting with these teachers ask again about any missing work and arrange times to meet up after school if his in school study block time isn't enough. Again he told me he had done that and his math teacher was out and he didn't know when he would be back for an after school session. I told him he should find another student to help in his study block and that was what he was doing. As for the science, the teacher who runs the block wasn't letting him go to see the science teacher which was making him mad because he wanted to do everything he could during school hours so he wouldn't have to stay after and come home at 7pm. So he is going to talk with the science teacher and see if he can get an afternoon slot. He is rather bugged with the science teacher because he has asked for what he needs to make up when he was out but she only gives him half the stuff. So he thinks he has it all done then there is more. So I told him he should just be a pest and ask every single day. He may annoy her but he is doing what is required and she has to do her job. He liked that idea...probably the bugging her part but whatever gets the job done right? I then had to tell him I had gotten an email from his dad about his school work. Connor looked confused. I told him his dad was concerned about his unexcused absences, missing work and felt Connor was in danger of failing the trimester. I also told him that dad was expecting Connor to be spending the weekend with him which his dad said Connor wanted to do in order to get math help from his dad. Connor just shook his head. He said he doesn't have a problem in math to begin with. He sighed and said his dad had asked him last Sunday how school was and Connor was honest and told him he had been out sick and had some stuff to make up. Mostly math. He had said to his dad maybe they could meet up on Friday afternoon if Sean still wanted to help out on paying for half of the hard drive for the xbox. Never once did Connor say he wanted to spend the weekend with his dad or that he needed help with his math. Connor admitted that there were times he wasn't sure what he was doing from time time but for the most part math is pretty easy and it's only at the beginning of a new section he has any trouble which is normal since the whole class does too. I told him his dad had said he was missing stuff in every class. Connor was getting annoyed and said that wasn't true. I told him I knew that wasn't true. Then I thought about what I had to say that wouldn't be bashing his dad but in a way to make Connor not be so pissed. So I told Connor I wasn't upset with him. I understood when he came home with his progress report and there was a 2 on it because he had already told me before hand, had a plan in place to fix it, talked with his teacher to see it wasn't really reflecting his score which by the time I had gotten the written report was already a 3 which is the passing grade and I understood the reason it had reflected a 2 was because it wasn't from not understanding the material but missing work. I understood all of this because I understand the system of his school and how quick and flexible the grades are there. Dad on the other hand has no contact with his school at all. Not even when Will started going there. He has only been in the building once and that was to drop of a workers permit Will needed the summer Dad left. His dad has a perspective of a college student and thinks he knows all there is about being a teacher and how schools are run and his only actual experience is at the school he is ed teching for and stories told to him by his wife from the school she works for. This school is a brand new thing. It is a model school with low teacher student ratios and a comprehensive approach with deep community and parent involvement. Dad has never gone to a family crew night, PTA meeting or met any of the teachers and principal. The principal even saw his dad and dad knew who he was but never bothered to introduce himself. Based on the knowledge his dad has at hand he simply can't understand how things work there. That a pass grade can go to a fail grade based on one missed paper, one days worth of work and vise versa. That is why it's so tough there. You have to be consistent in your work and effort at all times. I didn't want to make Connor feel bad but I had to say that when dad asked how school was going and Connor was honest and said math was annoying that was all it took for his dad to become manic about it. He is all into everything now with no true understanding and as a result is now sending emails laced with demands and questions that could be answered clearly by the teachers themselves if he cared to ask. That would be too simple and would need to be done by someone who is able to think clearly. I wanted Connor to be prepared for maybe some pressure from his dad to make him stay after school more and his dad saying he would pick him up and then keep him with him for the night or a whole weekend so he can "help" him. Dad doesn't understand Connor's reasoning to try and get as much accomplished during his school day and keep school time, school time and home time, home time because that is what Connor needs to do emotionally. Will does the same thing. In order to succeed in his classes, especially when there is stress at home due to Sean or money or illness, whatever. Both their therapist were clear on that and the fact Will was doing it on his own was amazing. Connor does the same thing now at the same suggestion and by Will example and has been working quite well. Connor was clearly annoyed with his dad for the whole weekend thing. I told him to just forget about it. He can't control how his dad thinks or how he makes assumptions based on a few minutes of conversation. Maybe the next time his dad asks how school is going just tell him things are fine and he likes school. It wouldn't be a lie and even if he had a low grade at the exact moment his dad asked if Connor knew full well it wasn't because he was truly having a hard time in the class but for some small reason like missing work then let it go. He should never have any plans with his dad that could be left up for assumption. Never say, we should do that "sometime" or let's make plans or that would be cool to do. You either make a firm set date or nothing at all. It's the only thing Sean understands right now. Even then there is no guarantee that Sean isn't going to make something up in his head. Still, this would be the best to minimize those occurrences. Connor totally agreed. It wasn't about bashing his dad but trying to be realistic. Sean winds up hurting himself and his own feelings as well when he builds himself up and plans that don't exist. Plus when you try and set up a visit though veiled threats and "concerns" that is a pretty big turn off. If Connor wants his help he will ask for it. Kids asking for help is something that doesn't happen often but that has never been Connor's problem as long as it isn't emotional stuff. Then he is your typical teen. I guess things are ok for now. I am going to play it out for now. I told Connor to talk to his crew leader about conferences for next week and if I didn't have an answer by Thursday I was calling myself. I already have Will's date. Connor said he didn't want his dad there. I told him I was sure his teachers would respect his wishes like they did in middle school. Too little, too high handed and too late for Sean.
p.s. Sofie napped for 4 hours yesterday. Still recovering from her weekend.

 

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