Our Island Family Life

Today it snowed and it was really dark for a long time. Even Sofie slept in to almost 8am. I read a book. Yes, the whole thing, because I can and I am a fast reader. There was no squabbling with the kids. I made a quiche for breakfast which Sofie loves. I think she has been looking a little thin lately. Maybe it's just me. She doesn't have much of an appetite but that seems to come and go in waves for her. She had almost half the quiche all on her own though. I finally have her napping on a schedule again. Which is good for both of us. She has been having bad dreams at night lately though. I can hear her whimpering and crying in her sleep every night. She winds up coming in bed with me at some point most nights. I don't go and get her unless she gets really loud because she thrashes and then falls out of bed. She is really paranoid about her hair. She keeps telling me that the "mean mean witch" told her she needs to get a hair cut. I think after Christmas I will get it cut. It is long and I never said it wasn't. I just think that if that woman keeps saying things to Sofie that causes her to be scared and have nightmares consciously or not and I can do something to maybe stop it I should. I am well aware that after I get her hair cut the woman will find something else to bad mouth about me and frighten Sofie. I will deal with that when it comes. I hopefully if I do this it will give Sofie a break for a little while and I can be there for her first hair cut to show her it isn't a big deal. Goodness knows they won't be supportive of her. We sat in my bed this morning, her on my lap and we brushed out her hair. We brushed for about half and hour. She had really matted it during the night. I usually braid it before bed a la little house on the prairie. That keeps her from getting knotty and it only takes a few minutes to brush. I didn't last night so it was my fault. Still, I think she likes the time with me. She brushes my hair afterwords.

I was feeling a little bad off and on today thinking about dealing with these little problems that seem so preventable and stupid. Things I just haven't quite adjusted to having to deal with in my life. I hid away in the bathroom to cry for a bit. I don't have much privacy when all the kids are home so the bathroom is the only place. I was only about 5 minutes or so and it helped. I was thinking about Sean again and wondered if he even knew me at all. He probably didn't and only cared about what I could do for him. It was never about him not loving me or believing in me anymore like he said. He said I was the one holding him together when he was at his worst. I know that is true. I have kept him from harming himself many, many times over. Still, I should have said more about what I wanted and what I needed more than I did. It was very hard to be so conscious all the time of what I might say or do that would make him feel bad and get him down on himself or angry with himself all the time. I spoke up as much as I felt I could. In the end though I think I really short changed myself. I feel like every time I do or sometimes even think it I am being selfish and bitchy or whiny. Was I always this way or it a learned condition for all those years with him? I don't know and it's a good reason to be by myself for a while to figure it out. I feel really lonely though at times. I miss and sometimes dream about times I had with him when we just hung out and talked about stuff. Times when we said nothing and just watched tv or read books in different chairs with music playing. Just time shared. It really is a different feeling than when it's just me doing the same things with the kids. When there is another person there you feel comfortable with and happy with, even when you are doing nothing. A best friend you can hold hands with and nod off around. I miss those things. Honestly, it's scary to realize that realistically, I won't have that again. It feels even worse to know those feeling were only ones I had. It was not even the truth and I never shared anything at all. He used me to feel good about himself and to keep from being honest with himself. I kept him alive literally and when he found someone else to support him financially and someone he thought was more beautiful he was gone. He wanted a new outer image and I didn't fit it. If one more person tells me, "well at least you have four beautiful kids" I think I scream and think about kicking them. I just don't care about that right now. I know that. I appreciate that. Aren't I more than just a mom though? What about my own wants and needs and desires? See? Selfish. There are times when I think it's all my fault anyway. My bad decisions. Bad choices. My mistakes. My life is screwed up and stinks because of me. Sure Sean is an ass. He lied, cheated, stole and is an all around selfish bastard. He is an equal opportunity jerk who hurts more than just me but every one he comes in contact with eventually. The system sucks for not putting him in jail his theft and scams and dead beat dad stuff. Well, life's not fair so I can't feel as angry about that as I probably should. Sean does have certain circumstances for his god awful behavior. I do not excuse it though just because of his depression and bipolar and anxiety. I wouldn't excuse a drunk for beating his wife either. I just can try and see where it's coming from. I feel bad that this was something that was snowballing for years and I had no clue how to help not just him but our family. Well, what's done is done. I hurts to miss the lie I loved. The lie that I had a husband who loved me.