What have I been doing the past month and a half? Wallowing. Dwelling. Uninspired nothingness. That about sums it up. A real lack of energy to do anything but the bare minimum. Halloween was fun. I wore a pink wig and some glitter makeup and went as "Lady Gaga: the later years", it was a hit. Sofie was a vampire geisha. She was so cute in her outfit. She had glitter instead of white face but she did go with deep red lips and fangs. Connor went trolling with the teens on another island, Cade was a bank robber and Will dressed up as a "sword wielding alien princess" to hand out candy. He went with the princess motif to irritate some of the more "manly" men of the island because Will likes to walk the edge of elder respect and enjoys watching adults squirm uncomfortably. One boy asked Will why he was dressed as a girl and he said. "I am an alien." The kid thought about it for a moment and said, "Cool." His dad wasn't as impressed. I personally found it hilarious. Sofie got two pillowcases full of yummy treats.
November was full of field trips, meetings, work and creative scheduling with Sean. He is testing me again on boundaries and I am finally being smart enough to see his actions for what they are and staying firm. Can I do this? Will I do that? Could I help him out here? Uh. No. I'm not trying to be a witch or anything but he has to figure out his own life and I am not his wife anymore to take care of things for him. He already has a bed warmer to that for him. As long as he fulfills his obligations to the kids I really don't see why I should be more involved. He has been bailing on weekends with Sofie. He already doesn't see the boys so you would think he would cling a bit more to Sofie. Kicking her to the curb this early though is a bit surprising. Then again, she has been quite vocal in her displeasure in going on visits. If he can stay strong and show her he wants her there it should work itself out but he has the spine of a wet tee shirt so I don't see that happening.
Anyway, it's the holidays and they always make me maudlin. I like seeing the kids open presents and everything but when you have very little spare money wise to get them anything it gets pretty depressing. Still, things are better than when Sean first left but still pretty bad. I am glad to have the post office job with a more or less steady income, even if it's small. I love the dollar store. Stocking stuffing has never been easier with that place. I am glad I have been picking up things over the whole year so things won't be so thin.
We had our island party this past Saturday. It was really great and relaxing. The kids play was wonderful. They did a Christmas Carol. Sofie's little buddy Aiden was scrooge and she was his past love and she was crying saying, "You love money more than me!" He lowered his head to his hands and shook his head. It was so funny. They were awesome. Sofie was also the ghost of xmas future. Easy role since she didn't have to say anything and just point. She was also scrooges niece, inviting him to xmas dinner. Small school has to double up roles. She has another play on Monday for the other island school she goes to for art and music. They are doing the Reindeer Whisperer and she is one of the deer. I can't wait to see it.
For now though we are getting over illness. I had a stomach bug Monday and Tuesday. Today I could finally clean my house which looked like a bomb had hit it. I am really run down though. Stinks too because we got all kinds of extra food from the party on Saturday. At least the kids could eat it and I didn't have to cook. Sofie has a bit of a cough and sniffle thing going on so she has been on the couch all day sipping juice and watching cartoons. She is napping now so I know she isn't up to snuff.
So life trauma is moderate. Battling my own down times which are only my own problem. I know it's just me still sad and unhappy from life changes forced upon me I haven't really come to terms with and probably never will. Just letting time do it's thing to make it more tolerable. I can do the happy dance but it is so exhausting to do so. Draining. I still have to deal with Sean doing strange and weird things that make me wonder if his family really gives a crap about him at all to not notice. I just really wish sometimes he would go away and I could wash my hands of the whole bipolar mess. As long as the kids see it, I see it. It affects them so it affects me. Can't have the good without the bad. I want to enjoy the kids childhood and yet want them all grown up so we can wash hands of him, everything. The messes and the emotional drainage.
I'm so glad I am taking vitamin D. I would really be weepy otherwise wouldn't I? I'm off to plan my craft for the kids craft day tomorrow. It will be a nice community thing. As long as no one trips over the hot glue gun cords we should be all set...:)
What have I been doing the past month and a half? Wallowing. Dwelling. Uninspired nothingness. That about sums it up. A real lack of energy to do anything but the bare minimum. Halloween was fun. I wore a pink wig and some glitter makeup and went as "Lady Gaga: the later years", it was a hit. Sofie was a vampire geisha. She was so cute in her outfit. She had glitter instead of white face but she did go with deep red lips and fangs. Connor went trolling with the teens on another island, Cade was a bank robber and Will dressed up as a "sword wielding alien princess" to hand out candy. He went with the princess motif to irritate some of the more "manly" men of the island because Will likes to walk the edge of elder respect and enjoys watching adults squirm uncomfortably. One boy asked Will why he was dressed as a girl and he said. "I am an alien." The kid thought about it for a moment and said, "Cool." His dad wasn't as impressed. I personally found it hilarious. Sofie got two pillowcases full of yummy treats. 
1 comments:
It was so good to see a post from you! I was getting a little worried about you so I was glad to know you are okay. I do like my Vitamin D, too. Not many people know, but I have been battling cancer this past year, and I think the Vitamin D helped my attitude, especially when I couldn't go outside much. I hope you and the children have a merry Christmas and a happy new year. Take care of yourself.
- Daisy in Arizona
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