Our Island Family Life

Who still has leftovers? We do. Since we went away Friday and Saturday we are a little behind. I am thrilled to be eating them however. I haven't cooked which is good because I have the sniffles. I am hoping it doesn't become a full blown cold. Cade is sick. Just a cold nothing flu like thank goodness. I am tired though. Sofie took a late nap yesterday and was zonked for 4 hours. Then of course she didn't want to go to bed on time and I could understand that. I let her stay up and she quietly watched a movie and we read together while Cade wheezed on the extra bed on my room. I knew I had to get her back into her routine and I had no one to blame but myself. She fell asleep around 11pm. She woke up from her nap at 8pm so I knew she wasn't going to bed any time soon. That late bed time would have been ok but she woke up an hour later screaming that her tongue hurt. She was dreaming. Of course I checked and she was fine. I thought she might have bit herself. She was so upset she threw up. I knew it was coming though and got her to the bathroom. It took an hour to get her back to sleep. I was now wired and on my 3rd wind and didn't fall asleep because I was congested myself. Finally around 2:30 I passed out but I had to work today so I was up early. The older boys are up at 5am and I was kind of in and out of it for a bit then got up just before 6am. It's rainy and cold out. I kept busy cleaning and playing with the little ones because I knew if I sat down I was toast. My charge has left for the day and both Cade and Sofie are napping. She is back on schedule and I am very pleased. I will have to make some turkey soup for Cade. His throat is sore and we are out of chicken noodle soup. He doesn't like tomato. I can't imagine that. I love tomato soup. The older boys used to have it all the time when they were little. I make them a special tomato soup thing they ask for all the time now that they have heartier tastes. I get a family sized can of tomato soup and add ground beef (if I have it, it's still good even if I don't add it), french style green beans (kids will eat them but balk at eating regular beans) and cooked elbow macaroni. I add the elbows to each individual bowl because they absorb the soup really quick and then it gets nasty. If I have left overs I keep the pasta separate. Then they add things to the top like shredded cheese, goldfish or sour cream. They love it. Cade though won't eat the actual soup. He is weird. Raw veggies only for him.

Spent a good portion of the day yesterday visiting Sean's parents so the kids could visit for the holiday. It was interesting. I am too tired, perhaps emotionally drained to include everything that went on. Everyone was happy to see us. Me included which was nice. I was a bit nervous that Sean might show up at any second since the whole family was there except one brother and his family because they live in Colorado. All his sisters, his other brother and the other two grand kids were there. Yet knowing everyone was there Sean didn't come. I learned that there have been weekends when Cade wasn't with Sean but Sofie was that Sean had brought Sofie to either his parents or had one of his sisters bring her to another sisters house. Sofie hadn't said anything to me so I never knew. Why bother taking her at all? Will had mentioned the thing I had posted about my friend and her husbands marriage announcement and that got a lot of responses. I really had to bite my tongue and not say anything. Things were said like how disgusting it was and how if you get out of a long term relationship you should wait at least a year to take care of yourself and your own issues before plunging into another relationship. My mind was screaming, what about Sean? He sure has heck didn't wait a year. Not even one flippin' day. One of his sisters slid her eyes my way and smirked. She was thinking the same thing. Then of course when the kids were all occupied some questions were asked of me about how the kids were doing with their dad and everything. It was tough and I had tears in my eyes quite a few times. I never cried but I would have this really quick sick feeling in the pit of my tummy and bam...instant tears. There was no time for making a conscious choice to not cry. Both of his parents are really upset with him but I can really see the difference in how they are dealing with it. His mom is hoping he will eventually wake up. His dad on the other hand sees if he does it will be years and years before it happens and by then the damage might be too great for repair. They even got into a little argument which I squashed. His mom had said how busy Sean was. He is manic. No doubt. I can't tell them that of course since even though they hate what he is doing they can't cross that line into understanding the mental illness part. I guess he is working his ed tech job. Doing part time work as a coach. Going to school. Going to the gym. Playing in his soccer league and about half a dozen other obligations. He isn't sleeping much. One of his sisters lives with him 5 days a week and is getting an eye opener on his actions. Since in our society mania can be overlooked and even valued until you see the big picture it's really hard to tell some people how off he is. Anyway, his dad just got angry and said his busy life wasn't an excuse. He said, "Are you even listening to Amy? Sean has to make the time to be with his kids. It's so simple. It's like she said if I saw my kids only a few days a month then I would plan my life around those times so I could be with them. They need their father." She agreed and said she didn't mean to imply (but maybe she did) that Sean being busy should be an excuse. She just meant she hoped that when things settled some he would be able to see what he was doing more clearly. I said she had said the same thing about when he finished his two year program. I told them there will always be another reason and another excuse for him. He makes himself busy to not face the reality of his life. The fact of the matter is that right now he has his own life and we have ours and our kids are not a part of his new life. His dad was very sad you could see. He is very proud of the kids and how amazing and grown up they are despite everything. He was sad that Sean was just missing everything. His mom then said she agreed with me and said that the few times they have been to visit him when the kids (Cade and Sofie) were there she could see that. She could see Cade struggling and that they treated Sofie well as far as she could see but Cade was treated more like a tolerated guest and not family. His dad said he was not pleased to see how Kathryn treated Sofie. He said the kids would fight as kids do but instead of talking to them both about their actions she would track Sofie down and make her apologize to her daughter every time while her own child never was scolded at all. He said he would be thinking "what are you doing?" Then his mom said that she saw Sean being very harsh with the girl. I told her I felt that was because he didn't really like her. Sean says he wants them to be a integrated family but then tells Cade that the girl is stupid and an idiot. How is that fostering a healthy family? They both shook their heads. I told them I used to talk to Sean about the abuse the girl was doing to Sofie but when ever I say anything any more it makes things worse for the kids so I stopped. So until the day Sofie comes home with broken bones there is little I can do. I said I did hear the girl was in therapy. They said she is and then his dad said it was obvious that girl needed it. I said it was a shame any of the kids were in therapy. The sole reason for it was because of selfish adult actions. They asked me how I was doing it. Keeping everything going and keeping the kids stable. I said therapy was one thing. I told them Sean was now too busy to come and as a result our sessions ended and he no longer comes to Cade's. I told them what we were working on in sessions. His mom asked if Will and Sean could meet in a session to break the ice for them and I told her the offer was made a long time ago and Sean "didn't have the time". Also Sean spoke with Will's counselor and got angry and never talked to her again. So, Will has made offers, visited with him for 6 months, gave him three chances and told him what Will needs to move forward. Sean hasn't taken Will up on anything. Will has set limits and boundaries and what he needs and that is not him being stubborn it's being honest. If anything he has been more than open when he was at his angriest. Now he is simply resigned and has accepted his fathers current limitations. It takes two people to move forward in a relationship and if Sean wants this he has to do something. His mom said Will has a right to have a father and Will should fight for it. I said I agreed and that Will has. I said Sean has a right to have his son and he should fight for it as well but does he? Has he? The bottom line is that there has been a severe breach of trust between them and the only way for it have a chance to be repaired is for Sean to show consistency and stability in his actions and not with words and empty promises with Will. Sean's dad agreed completely. He said one big thing he had dealt with in his own therapy is when he was told that the harder he fought to not be like his dad the more like him he became. He said when he looks at Sean he sees himself. He knows Sean isn't even close to doing what he needs to do for himself or the kids. He sees him just talking the talk but it is hollow and he lies to himself. He said he has tried to talk with him but Sean evades him. He said when he was told that in therapy he didn't understand it at all. It took a long time for him to understand and to stop blaming others for his mistakes and his unhappiness. He sees Sean blaming others. His mom said she did too. He is still blaming his dad and now me. They said how much of a shame it was he was doing this to me. I shrugged. There is nothing I can do about it. It is a shame. It sucks. I have empathy for him. It's sad but the longer he is away from us the more it is an empathy for anyone who is ruining their lives and not for someone I love. I told them I let the kids cry and vent and tell them I love them but sometimes that makes it worse. To see how one parent loves them and struggles and protects them and they can't help but compare even when I don't say anything. I told them we are still trying to find a new normal. His mom said how it's been a while. I told her not really. I have only been divorced a year. The time we were separated I had hope. Not to mention it is a full time job dealing with issues that should be resolved. I have to deal with child support issues. She asked what I meant. I said I have to deal with DHHS to collect child support because Sean isn't consistent (I tried to be tactful) I also have upcoming court issues that deal with contempt and taxes and it is a lot of stress. I said basically that again the bottom line is I do everything for the kids. I am alone. Sean does nothing to support them in any capacity. Even with the child support I don't feel he should get credit for that because I am the one doing all the work to make sure it's even paid. It isn't child support it is money I earned for them. As for emotional support, that's obvious. He does nothing for them school wise, no talks about religion, nothing, nada, zip. It's scary knowing that how your kids turn out is because of you. I think I am doing ok. I could be like Sean though and just blame all their faults on him right....ha.

I am now immobile. It was just me and the kids today and it was really nice. Of course they bickered like they do every day but it was all good. We watched the Macy's parade on tv and I did my food prep stuff at the table so I could watch with them. Sofie was thrilled with the Hello Kitty balloon and Santa. Connor was in and out of the room. He really is a stereotypical teenager. At least he did dishes off and on while I was prepping so we wouldn't have so much after dinner with little complaint. We slept in to 7am. I couldn't believe Sofie slept so late but I wasn't complaining any. I got the turkey in around 7:30. I had been worried it wouldn't be thawed enough last night but it was just right this morning. Luck was with me. I didn't get crazy with the meal. No Martha Stewart cheesecloth turkeys and funky roots this year. I did my turkey like I would do a chicken. Sofie was a great helper. She was interested in being a helper this year. She is really growing up. The boys didn't want mashed potatoes and asked for herb roasted ones. Super. Less work for me! Then I made some simple green beans and a raw veggie thing for Cade and Sofie. They really don't like cooked vegetables. They will nibble on the raw ones all day though. Again, not something to complain about. As long as they eat them right? I made homemade biscuits and stuffing. I was going to make a pumpkin cheesecake but I didn't have any pumpkin. I was shocked. I ALWAYS have a can of pumpkin or squash around. So now what do I do? I made mint chocolate cookies instead and a pumpkin bread. The bread was a box mix but they didn't care. I let them have juice (except Sofie) in wineglasses and of course I made gravy. I have finally learned to make it without lumps. I didn't freak about it and took my time. I didn't worry about not having all the stuff I needed and went by the seat of my pants. It was nice. The food was done earlier than I expected and I was again pleased. We went around the table saying what we were grateful for and Sofie made us laugh. She went last so she could see us and know what to do when her turn came. So I said, "Ok Sofie, what are you grateful for this year?" Sofie sat there with her hands clasped together and said, "I am grateful for Dora the Explorer. Amen."

My night with friends last Friday almost didn't happen. I had taken the morning boat with Cade and Sofie because Cade had therapy at 9am. It was a long day. I did some food shopping and sent it home for Connor to take care of in the afternoon. Then we hit a few different Goodwill's and did some xmas shopping. Cade got all the presents he wanted to get for others. I had emailed Sean on Thursday asking if he could pick the kids up around 3:30 or 4pm so the ladies and I could have dinner before we went to the movie. Sean said he couldn't be there any earlier than 5pm (the usual time is 5:30) because of his classes. Well, that was interesting. I wasn't upset about it but I did note that he had said before that after swim lessons were over he could come to some of Cade's therapy sessions after I said I would try and move them to the afternoon. Now it seems it was all hot air. The last boat of the day is 5:45 there is no way we could have a later session and make it home. So, now I know for sure. I kinda knew Sean was never going to come back into therapy with Cade but, there it is. So we are waiting at the bay lines at 5pm for Sean and he's not there. I figured he would be late. He always is. When the normal time of 5:30 rolls around and he still isn't there I am starting to panic a bit. If he doesn't show up then I will have to go home with the kids and there goes my one night I have been waiting for. Not to mention the others had gone on ahead already. I called him and he said he had been on his way to come and tell me he wasn't going to take the kids this weekend. He had only emailed me yesterday saying he would so I was not pleased at the late notice. Cade was thrilled and grabbed his ticket and sprinted to the boat. In the end I had another mom watch Sofie for the night and I was able to see the movie and have dinner. It worked out but only by luck. Another odd thing I have been thinking of is this vacation. The kids are with me. It is all according to schedule. I thought for sure Sean would argue. After all he was supposed to have them last year but got into a fight with me about it instead and in the end didn't take them. I thought Mr. Tit for Tat would say he should have them since I did last year. He didn't. Not a peep. Of course today is his 1st anniversary with the "mean mean witch". Lucky him. I suppose that might explain him not saying anything. Maybe he is letting go finally, a little bit. As in fighting with me. I never once thought it was really about his desire to have the kids in the first place. He has his life and we have ours. He did call the day before yesterday and asked me if he could pick up Connor after school on Tuesday for the afternoon. I told him he had to ask Connor. If Connor wanted to see him then as long as I know what's going on it was fine. I gave the phone to Connor. Connor told him he would call him back. Connor never did and never went. Now I guess Sean is on the receiving end of the maybes and I'll call you backs and the oh, I forgot. I am staying out of it. They have to work it out themselves. Unless Sean puts more effort into it like say, more than one phone call every few months and shows some consistency it might turn around. I really doubt it though.

Ok, the school guidance counselor came out to the island today. It's been a while since she has been here. She came to the house and we had some one on one time (which was really great for me) and I was able to catch her up on how Cade was doing. She brought us a food card as a Thanksgiving treat which was really nice. She was really impressed at my commitment at keeping the kids in therapy even with the extra effort of having to bring them in town. Not easy I can tell you.

I am concerned about Cade. He was very upset last night. He cried for an hour and a half and in the end came away with a huge headache. He woke up with it this morning and is home now. I think he will be fine for school this afternoon. He was ok when he came home from the visit but Sean brought them home late and it was only an hour before bed time. Sean hadn't fed them and I didn't know until it was 1o minutes before bed. I am so stupid sometimes to assume he would take care of them properly. Connor hadn't eaten either but not because there wasn't food or anything. He was just being a teen. I told him he HAD to be in bed by 8pm and he HAD to eat. I am such and awful mom aren't I? I let Will stay up until 9pm if he wants but since Connor missed the boat twice for sleeping too late he has the 8pm rule. He was ok with that but he put off eating until 1o minutes before bed just like Cade. I told him he could warm up leftovers, have a bowl of cereal or make a sandwich. He was all attitude. I wasn't very happy. He just kept pushing and wouldn't stop opening his mouth to have the last word. I finally told him he needed to simply eat and go to bed in silence. Connor said, "oh I can't have feelings? I can't get angry?" He was shaking and looked furious and had tears running from his eyes. I said he was entitled to feel anything he wanted to feel. I wasn't however going to be the verbal punching bag for those feelings. It is disrespectful and rude and I simply am not allowing anyone to treat me that way. Not a stranger and not from family. I said I was well aware he was trying to push my buttons even if HE wasn't and it would be best if he stopped talking if he had nothing nice to say. I told him I needed to leave the room because I was so angry it was the best thing for both of us. He was quiet after that. Cade of course was right under foot for that and was making a sandwich. He had wanted a bowl of cheese balls and I had said no. It was almost bedtime and it was an obvious no. He got mad at me and yelled and said he was hungry. That was how I found out he hadn't had dinner. I had fed Sofie earlier because she had said she was hungry and Cade was upstairs when I fed her. It didn't occur to me to ask him (duh me) if she was hungry from not having dinner because she always comes home hungry. So, anyway, I told Cade the same thing I told Connor and he chose to make a sandwich since it was too late to cook something before bedtime. He ate then went to the bathroom. He was in there for a while. Connor had gone to bed. Will had fallen asleep on the couch so I left him there. He was all cozy and I didn't want to wake him. Sofie was in the spare bed in my room quietly watching a movie. It was now 10 past 8pm. I had gotten myself together and checked on Cade. He was crying. I had him come out and got a box of tissues and had him snuggle with me. I asked him if he could tell me what was wrong. During the thing with Connor I had said something that made Cade sad. I had said to Connor that all I wanted for him was to be healthy. To have food in his stomach and to be well rested for school. I know that seemed kind of stupid to him but that was my job and if he was mad at me for it then so be it. I didn't like it and it hurt but I loved him and wanted him to be ok. Cade said it made him sad because I was willing to be hurt and put Connor first. He said he knew I loved them. I wasn't sure why that was such a sad thing but didn't say anything. Then he got real mad and said how he had a horrible weekend. How he felt that his dad had cut Will and Connor out of his life. He never talks about them, mentions them, never tells other adults they even exist when he is asked about his kids. Some adults Sean has as friends now don't even know about Will and Connor. Cade said when he got there this weekend they had finally moved the bunk beds from his room, which were supposed to be for him and his brothers, and put them in the girls room. They took out the bed Sofie used and now she shares the bunk bed with the girl. The baby is in there as well in a crib. Cade got the girls old bed but his aunt is the one who uses it. She is there during the week to babysit the baby. No daycare for them. All of his aunts things are in his room. His stuff was moved and shoved into one corner. He said he felt like they are just getting ready to kick him out completely. He has no real space of his own. He tried to talk with his dad a few times this weekend but Sean either left the house or went to the bathroom. Every time his dad left the woman said really mean things to him. Cade was upset about the attention the girl was getting this weekend. It was her birthday and he was fine with that. She got two parties. One on Friday with "family" and one on Sunday with her friends. His cousin never showed up so he was alone. She got 8 presents. One for each year. It was a tradition I guess. Cade said how next year he should get 11 then. Kathryn said no because he wouldn't be there anyway. I have no idea if he will be or not. I didn't check the calendar. His dad was right there the whole time. Cade said to them he only got 2 presents this year. He should have gotten 10 right? She told him he didn't get them because he chose not to be there. He skipped out on that weekend. Cade was furious. He said he didn't. I had to think back and I remembered that his birthday was on a Friday that he had a weekend at home with me. We went to see my mom. He didn't skip out or call to stay with me. It was just the regular schedule. Then the following weekend he was there and I ran into Sean and the kids (OUR kids) at the store that Friday and Sean got a cake for him. Cade had been worried his dad would have forgotten his birthday altogether and thought he wasn't going to get anything from him. He was happy his dad got him the two gifts and the cake. Then he saw what she was getting. The parties and all the gifts. Kathryn told him he should just deal with it since he is ten. How stupid can they be? It's not about the amount of gifts at all. Cade cried and said how his dad loves Kathryn and the girl more than him and he is his own son. His dad said he would put him first but never sticks up for him. Always believes Kathryn over him. Lets her say mean things to him and lies to his face. How every single action his dad does just proves it over and over again and how his dads words mean nothing to him anymore. He said he felt half cut out of his dad's life already. I asked him if he thought going to see his dad more often would help? He said no. He said he felt like he had hardly any family on his dad's side anymore. He said his uncle and cousin and one aunt were all he had that talked to him and understood how he felt. The others are nice to Kathryn and believe her lies and phony surface. He said he couldn't believe he was going to say this but that his dad might be too good for her. Then after a pause he said maybe his dad was getting exactly what he deserved. Whoa. I just didn't know what to say. I was kinda numb through most of it. I was really furious for some of it. I thought about wanting to call Sean and ask to sit with him face to face and talk about this. Talk with Sean's parents and ask them to be more understanding. In the end I'm not going to. I might talk with them casually in the future but I don't think it will do any good. They want to please everyone and you just can't do that. As for Sean, well, if I say anything it will make things worse. He will just do the opposite out of spite. Also, as hard as it is, Sean and Cade have to be the ones who talk to each other about this. This is their relationship for better or worse. As much as I want to be a peacemaker, as much as I want Cade to stop hurting, as much as Sean might benefit from my insight into our sons feelings it means nothing if Sean doesn't do this himself. Cade asked if he could stop going there when he was 12. I said that it was an option but he shouldn't worry about that right now. He should should just focus on the now and trying to make the best of what is sometimes a bad situation. Cade said he would but he really wanted to know if he had an out, if he didn't then he would feel really depressed. That worried me. I don't want him feeling depressed because of his dad. Cade was saying how his life sucked and how his friends all have great lives and get to go places and he never can do anything anymore because of his dad. I told him I loved him and he cried and said he knew that. Right now Cade is quiet and and playing a game. He is pretty subdued even when he seems happy. He is off but that could just be his headache. I am glad Cade has therapy this week. Not that Sean goes anymore. I better make lunch now.

I had company this weekend and now I am waiting for the kids to come home. Will and Connor of course were here. Will didn't have to work this weekend so he was able to spend time with all of us. He cooked a really tasty stir-fry and we played games and watched funny things on the computer. Sounds dull but we had a relaxing time. We even toasted mini marshmallows on toothpicks over little tea lights while we played cards. Connor said we were crazy but it was fun. I also noticed us being crazy didn't stop him from doing it too.

I did my linens yesterday in preparation for my company this weekend. Also, since Sofie was sick I had to do her sheets anyway. I really loved going to bed last night. My sheets felt so nice and smelled so good. I always love that feeling.

Choices. I had to reschedule Will and Connor's conferences until next week because Sofie is sick. Last Friday Cade had a tummy ache and felt bad but he never really got sick. I am hoping that was his bout with the "flu" and he was able to fight it off. Last night at 3am Sofie woke up and threw up everywhere. She was able to get some sleep but kept getting up. She doesn't have a fever yet so that's good. She is in good spirits though and no one else here is sick. Cade was the only kid in school today. The teacher called and asked if I wanted him to come home and I said if they were willing to teach him then he could stay. I doubt he was thrilled with that. All the other kids are home with upset stomachs and high fevers. I couldn't bring Sofie with me to town with her upset stomach and my own lack of sleep. I hate having to put off the conferences but I really didn't have a choice. It's times like this I feel sad the kids only have one parent. I can only do so much. It's great the teachers at the school are understanding. Will started his freshman year there only days after Sean left. All the teachers there know the situation and Will has been quiet open and at times blunt about it. I have been to all the conferences and what school events I couldn't attend I sent things like cookies or donations. I try and be as involved as I can even at the high school without being too in your face. I don't want to be "embarrassing". Anyway, Sofie in the end slept more than me and now I will have the challenge of keeping her in bed for the day. She woke up and said she wasn't sick anymore. Of course as long a she isn't actively puking she thinks she isn't sick. Her occasional dry heaves give her away. She also wants to drink a lot and doesn't understand that too much isn't good either. I like having ice pops for her. I am getting some new (to Sofie anyway) kids movies from a neighbor today. I hope they keep her happy so she stays put. Now, back the laundry. She really made a mess.

I got mail yesterday from DHHS stating they sent in a wage withholding notice to Sean's work. Finally. I am guessing that the school had finally gotten back to them confirming his employment. I still need to call them though about them getting on the ball withholding income from his disability as well. I have been thinking about how some people may read this and think I might not be saying too much about the topic if mental illness. There is only so much you can say at a time. Maybe I should have titled this blog as "fallout" or "How mental illness can change your life even if you don't have it". Almost all the stuff I talk about like the divorce, money, certain parenting issues, looking for work all stem from the same source. All have the same background in their DNA so to speak and that's is Sean's mental illness. Our sons depression, stress from lack of money, dealing with being a single mom all have fingers in the same mental illness pie. Even though Sean no longer lives here and we don't have to "see" his behaviours anymore on a daily basis doesn't mean we don't have to deal with it's impact on our lives. How have the boys processed how to be a man and father and husband from that male role model in their life? How will that form who they will become? When you are away from the problem for a while how do you handle it when you see him again and how do you react? It can be easy to forget. Then you have an issue and it's back in your face again and the not normal actions. The compassion you used to have is not as strong or gone all together. You question how other family members can't see it when it is so obvious. Then you question yourself. These are things the kids see and begin to want to believe their dad is "normal" like he claims and they try and forget all the things he used to to do and still does but they are not there to see it everyday anymore. Learning to deal with a family member with bipolar who you no longer see daily but is still a part of your life I think as it's own set or rules. A good 98% of the sadness and anger in our lives still comes from Sean and the things he has done or is still doing. When you actually step back and realize that it is astounding. The illness was obvious when he was here. Now you just want to think he is just an ass or a jerk and a deadbeat dad. There are also well intended people who say how much better you all are without him and how he was probably never really sick at all but just a man whore and selfish bastard. Being apart you want to believe that. I know he certainly had a big part of him that was jerky. A lot of people do. I guess all I can say is you had to live it to understand. During those "down times" he was not not himself...besides the jerk stuff. That jerk stuff was there at all times not just the down. It was worse when he was down. It was the memory gaps and hearing things that got scary. Each new down time things got a little worse. Now we have to watch what we say or he gets manic like a dog with a bone. Dealing with his little fantasies of visits with the kids that no one here knew were happening and me being the "bad guy" in his eyes for popping his bubble. It really is sad and I know for myself I am coming to terms with the new situation but it does still really get under my skin sometimes when his family doesn't see it. They are getting better but they don't see him much either and have never lived it so I understand why it's taking so long. They haven't been burned as much or as often yet. I wonder sometimes at how much ego and pride his new wife must have to not see it. Then I think...whatever. It's her problem to deal with now. Thank God.

Silent as a ninja she slips out of bed and eyes the room looking for a weapon. Any weapon. She had been put in the room mere minutes ago her fate sealed. She did not want it. She tried to fight against it but her caretaker was insistent. There were things there for her supposed comfort. Warm blankets, soft music, a cool drink. Still, she was not satisfied. She would find a way out. If she couldn't then she would voice her silent protests in any way she could. She was her own master and none could cage her. Eyes roaming she couldn't find what she was looking for. Everything in the room was soft and safe. There was nothing. Nothing she could use to fight her oppressor. There! Under the bed she saw a flash of red. Crawling on hands and knees she make her way to what she could only hope would be the tool she needs. Hand reaching, little fingers grasping yet still unable to quite see she brings the object to her. Her first thought is that it's too small. Not what she was hoping it would be. Based on touch alone she couldn't be certain. Then, in the dim light coming in through the windows she finally is able to determine if fate has given her the opportunity she has been hoping for.

Ok, so yesterday should have been a real honest to goodness full day off. Did it happen? I got a call about getting a new client for cleaning in the morning. I agreed. I need the money. Then I felt overwhelmed all of a sudden. Like a huge heavy weight. I didn't want to leave the house. I wasn't feeling resentful of not having my day. I mean I was doing chores anyway. I just can't explain it. It wasn't good though. I started thinking, oh crap, now I am going to be the mental case and be a shut in. Sofie and Cade went for a walk and to go visit next door to play. Will went in town to hang with a friend and Connor was working. Things were quiet and calm. My car was "fixed" again yesterday and turns over now. I had to go outside and talk with George about it. My insides were screaming the whole time to get back inside and for him to just leave even though he was being very kind. Sofie and Cade came home after a few hours and half way through Sofie's nap she woke up with growing pains. Of course it was just when I was about to leave to go meet up with the guy to do a walk through on his place. Crud. I had to call him and see if we could meet later. He was cool about it and said his neighbor who just happens to be the mom I babysit for could do the walk through with me instead since he was leaving on the next boat. I felt super duper. I thanked the evil kiddy pain gods for inadvertently helping me out. I am sure fate was displeased. Then I realized I had started my period and that was why I felt like crap and was acting all sketchy person down the block. I was so happy not to be needing to look up pdocs for myself. I'm just your average crazy woman. Today is back to normal routine. Babysitting and getting caught up on paperwork and other things I put off this weekend. I have to go into town Thursday for conferences for Will and Connor so I am going to try and chill as much as possible and just let it ride..:)

Last spring we had a mouse problem. The years before there was never a problem. It had rained a lot so I figured that was the difference. The house was actually cleaner than ever before so I know that wasn't the problem. Over the summer we didn't see a single mouse. Now I knew we might get a few come fall and sure enough they have been showing up. Not just mice either. We actually have two voles come in the house. The traps have been nice and helpful. There are fewer than last spring but still more than years past. Their new hidey hole is in my closet. Which thankfully I had just cleaned out so they haven't gotten into anything. They chewed a hole right through the wall inside the closet. The other side leads to the back of the chimney. I wish we could actually use it and have wood stove to save on oil and when the power goes out but no such luck. Anyway, I stuffed the hole with a steel wool pad. Mice don't chew through metal. I also bought a bottle of peppermint oil and some cotton balls yesterday. So I have been told if you soak the cotton in the oil it keeps the mice away until the scent dissipates. Then of course they take the cotton for their nests. To combat THAT you need to add cayenne pepper to the oil when you soak the cotton. I am going to try it and see how it works. I know the human hair to repel deer thing didn't work out. I think though it's because the deer are so used to people here.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry when it comes to Sofie on some days. Right now I am leaning towards laughter. Of course she is sleeping right now and that is helping me immensely. She has those days once and a while where she gets into everything. Today was that day. She has a hard time understanding the part of not touching things that do not belong to you. She has been whiny as well. I have no idea why she is like this today. Things are a bit off though. All the boys are home. The wind is pretty wild and I am glad I decided to stay home and go shopping tomorrow instead. Cade twisted his ankle this morning and we had to put it up for a few hours. He is ok now but he is still limping a bit. It's always something with someone. The older boys didn't want to get stuck in town either so stayed. Connor went to work and Will helped me cook up some leftovers to clean out the fridge for my big shopping day. He also helped fix the VCR after Sofie got a tape stuck in it and pinched her finger. Like I said, one of those days. While I helped her come down from her high pitched shrieks of pain he got the tape out. She was fine of course. Not even a red finger or a scratch. She was just scared. Will was trying real hard to not laugh at her. Her pitch is so high I think I will suffer hearing loss in the future.

Well, I told Cade his dad called and that Cade needed to call him back after school. Cade got so stressed he got sick to his stomach and had to come home early. Cade called at 3:3o and left his dad a message because Sean didn't answer. Now it is 8pm and bed time and no call back. All this stress and worry for nothing. Time for bed and I'm turning the phone off for the night. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I swear. I am never answering the phone during the daytime again if I see Sean's name on the caller ID. If it's when the boys are home, fine. Most likely he is calling for them anyway. I thought the hardest thing I would have to do today was defrost the freezer. I was going for a totally emotionally stress free day. No such luck. So, since I didn't answer the email he sent he decided to call instead. Two big things. One was about Connor. He wanted to know if I got his email. I said yes and didn't volunteer anything else. There is nothing to say. He asked if Connor was staying after today and tomorrow. I said no. He asked why. I said he didn't need to. He asked if all his work was made up and the whole idea if explaining to him about how certain teachers are only there certain days would have been over his head anyway. I said he was using his academic support block in school to take care of things and staying after wasn't necessary. He asked about the absent marks and I had to explain the scheduling snafu which made it look like he was out for one or two classes three days a week when he was there in a different class. Connor had already explained this to him before and here I was doing it again. He asked if Connor was coming over to see him this weekend and I told him Connor had planned on working this weekend so I doubted he would. He said, "This Friday?" I swallowed all my sarcastic responses and simply said yes. Then he said, "Well, I'll see Cade on Friday." Problem two. Now when the phone calls were going on between Cade and Sean last week over Halloween Cade had made the offer of switching weekends. That would mean he would be seeing his dad this coming weekend. Sean never answered Cade about it during their first talk at all. Sean also didn't say anything to me about agreeing to that when we talked during that same phone call. When Sean called back to tell Cade he could stay he never mentioned he expected to see Cade this weekend. He never said he was accepting Cade's offer. He never even said, have a good time see you next week. Nothing. When Cade hung up I asked him if his dad mentioned anything about this weekend and he said no. Sean never asked to speak to me and he hung up before I could ask. Cade did not think for one second he was going to have to go over there this weekend. Here is where I messed up. Another live and learn thing on how to make things are crystal clear with someone who is an expert of lies of omission and manipulation. I should have followed up and emailed Sean myself to check plans. I again made the mistake of trusting that Sean and one of his kids could come to a compromise neatly and clearly. Now I am going to have to clean up another emotional mess. I was taken by surprise obviously when Sean said that about Cade and I asked him what he meant. He told me, "We switched weekends." I told him I did not agree to that. What I had agreed to was for Cade to make the offer and that it needed to be worked out between them. I told him that when he called Cade last Sean did not talk to me directly about agreeing to a switch and that Cade has no idea that was what Sean was expecting. I told him he would have to talk with Cade tonight and settle things then tell me what their plan was after their conversation. In any case even if Cade agrees to come in for the weekend I would not be bringing him until Saturday. All my plans for Friday are postponed because we are supposed to be getting 45 mile an hour winds and the boat won't run in anything over 30mph. I might even keep the older boys home. Getting to town wouldn't be an issue but if the winds pick up then we wouldn't be able to get back. I haven't made an firm decision yet. I need to see the weather tonight first. Sean said ok about Saturday. I can tell in his mind it's already settled and Cade is coming. How am I going to have to break this to Cade? We had even made plans to go shopping on Saturday to Goodwill for pants and maybe find a new movie there. Do some window shopping for xmas. Maybe see a real honest to goodness movie with lunch. He is so looking forward to it. Now I will have to brace him to have to talk with his dad again. Another hard conversation. Tonight is going to be miserable. He was even talking about his dad today and it was not in a good way. Then of course there is Connor. I have to talk with him about his dad calling about his school. Connor is going to need to call him himself and tell him he isn't coming (or email) and explain his situation with his absences and make up work. Not what I wanted today.

For a long time when I was feeling overwhelmed at the stuff Sean was doing or was feeling the hurt and shame and sadness that comes with all of this I would think, envision if you will, I was a duck and that all the crap just slid off my back and I would chant, "quack, quack" over and over in my head. My own personal mantra of inner well being. I probably looked a little insane saying quack with my eyes closed but I think 9 times out of ten I did it in my head. At least I hope so. I think my duck died, or maybe it was covered like the ones you see on tv, slicked up with oil. It was like one of them and fighting for mental survival. So, I would like to introduce my new meditation focus, Watermelon Cat. It's funny. At least to me. It reminded me of how absurd the fight or whatever it is that is bothering me is in reality. I have a new picture and mantra to keep myself calm. Plus it's cuter than the duck. Maybe I can envision eating the watermelon when the crisis has passed as my own psychic reward. Sweet. I hope this works.

So, did a little digging with the school about all the crap Sean sent me today. He is so full of nonsense I could cry. Still, I looked into things anyway. I need to talk with Connor about his conference date for next week and remind him once again to remember to get a note from his teachers if he is going to be late for his next class if he gets held up in his previous class so he doesn't get marked tardy. He has to get over the fact HE thinks it's a stupid rule. After all he goes to all his classes and gets all his work done. Rules are rules though and even if he is doing the right thing by talking to his teachers about getting any late work done if it make him late for the next class he gets marked tardy without a note. The teachers he talks with should be giving him the notes as well but ultimately it is HIS responsibility since the person who is most affected is him. Still, all in all a minor issue in the big picture of things. I am not looking to talking with Connor because he gets all defensive right off the bat even if I am not one stitch upset with him. He just is ready to battle no matter what. Patience and a huge Valium would be nice but since I don't have any drugs I gotta go with the patience thing. I have chosen to not respond to Sean at this time. There is not point in escalating things further. I have mulled it over and communication is the best thing. The circumstances for that sadly are not currently in the equation. I sincerely believe that if I responded that no matter what I said even if I agreed with everything he said would end up in an argument. He is looking for a fight and I am not going to give him an excuse. I am also aware that not saying anything will also be construed as being a non co-parent like behavior from me. There again I have the weigh the evils and I think this one is the one to equal the least amount of strife for the time being. If Connor does have issues concerning school, VALID ones then I will inform Sean as I would have done anyway. I have been following his progress as it is and the implied statements from Sean that I wasn't irk me. When I see things slide I say something. When he misses school I remind him to check with his teachers for make up work. There is such a thing as self owner ship that needs to be considered. One of the things about the school is the fact it really encourages it's students to become self reliant. To be responsible for your own actions and work. To learn there are consequences to actions. That is why it is a pass or fail school. No A, B, C grades. You do the work and show the effort and show you really understand the material you pass. If not you fail. That's it. Your effort is also taken into consideration there. You may get an A on your test but it was obvious that your effort was lacking your grade drops. You have to pass the what the call HOW (Habits of Work) as well to get a well rounded pass mark. It's tough no question. Most students are taking college courses by their senior year and the first graduating class ALL went on to college. Connor needs this for his personality for sure. Stepping back to let your kids prove themselves and yet be observant enough to offer encouragement when needed is a tight rope dance for sure. One that Sean has no clue how to do. He has NO understanding of the school itself. It is like none other in the state and has educators from other countries come to observe and model after it. Will was one of the students chosen to represent the school last year when some of them came and he was also chosen to help the home ec teacher and just five students cooked lunch in 4 courses to 500 hundred people. What an opportunity. ok...enough...Connor will be home soon.