Our Island Family Life

Sometime this month we are supposed to be starting classes at the hall for EMT's. I agreed to take the class so we could have a good number of people to show up so they would come all the way out here for us. It will be four months long, three times a week in the evenings. Dinner included. We haven't even gotten our text books yet and there is some serious grumbling going on about it all. The main book is huge and being able to read ahead is crucial because we are getting an intense, swift course. Just the idea of studying makes my knees shake. IF I pass I will be able to drive the island ambulance and get a beeper. Unless I get my car fixed or get a new one I wouldn't be a quick responder. Will I get paid for this? No. Still, I will be certified and I suppose it's good stuff to know. If I should have to move back inland I will at least have one skill. Plus, the class is free. I can help others but it's kind of scary. What was I thinking?

Wonders never cease. I checked my bank account this morning and found an extra $600 in it. Not enough for rent but close. Did some digging and saw DHHS made an extra deposit. I don't know of Sean paid them himself or if there is a change in the withholding. I don't know why I got money yesterday and not the 23rd like I have been. I can't help but think if Sean wants to petition the court for Connor he is at least aware that being thousands of dollars behind in child support won't look too good. Maybe he made a deal to keep his license since I spoke to the case worker. I dunno. I like knowing but.....the girl scout in me wants to be prepared.

Depressing or funny? Hard to tell sometimes.

So I am finally feeling the late minute crunch. I went shopping yesterday afternoon and got all my stuff done. I do have a few things to pick up for other people who we will be seeing later in the week so I am in no rush. One thing I am really upset about is that I spent actual money on a dvd for the whole family and now I forgot where I hid it. Crap. I have looked in all my usual hiding spots. I have one more place to check but my feet hurt right now so I will do that later. The reason I want to wait is because I know once I start looking around my cleaning bug will hit me and I will wind up "since I'm here already I might as well...." and lose at least an half an hour of my time.

Sometimes I can't believe there was actually a time in my life where I could wake up, enjoy my morning and have a whole day, whole days when things were normal. Little to no stress at all. Things I had heard other people complain about like crying babies or what to make for dinner and helping the kids get homework done never phased me at all. I would get bored with it from time to time but I was very rarely stressed.

I should be feeling it right? All gung ho for Christmas and New Years. I don't. It just isn't the same. I feel it more now than I did when Sean first left. I was still in shock I think. We had no money at all for presents but we had a lot of generosity from friends, family and community. It helped. I was able to pull things off last year even though we didn't do a tree and kept things simple. This year things seem to be moving too fast. I am behind in rent which I wasn't last year. I don't have any shopping for them done at all yet. I took Cade to Goodwill so he could do some shopping but that is all I have done. I don't even want to bother. I can't let that mood keep me from trying to make things good for them though. Sometimes I think about stuff I would like but then I get in moods where I just don't want anything at all. The idea of doing decorating and a dinner and everything depresses me. Cade and Sofie won't be here this year for Christmas eve. The first time ever I will be apart from them for the holiday. Not my choice and I hate that. They will be coming home Christmas day. I shouldn't really care right? I promised Cade the boys and I wouldn't open anything until Cade and Sofie came home no matter what time it is. Cade asked his dad to do that last year and Sean promised him they would wait but in the end they didn't and blamed me for it. His dad told him it was my fault because they thought the kids would be there by 2pm and not 7pm and they didn't want the girl to wait because it made her sad. Cade felt betrayed and his dad broke yet another promise. I know he is testing me. I am not worried about it though. We will check out stockings and then wait. The boys have no problem with it. The whole point is to open presents as a family and thank one another for the gifts we have given each other. We have a tradition where we only open one present at a time and we all watch and see who got and who gave the gift. Then say thank you before moving on. It can take a long time to open everything but dragging it out makes things more fun. We also have cinnamon buns and cocoa for breakfast. I am going to make them when they come home so we can still do that. Even if that's what we wind up having for dinner. We usually don't do a big dinner on Christmas day and instead do it on Christmas eve. Not this year since Cade and Sofie won't be here. It is so hard, sad and gut wrenching to see nearly 17 years worth of traditions fly out the window. I am really beginning to hate the argument about how you can do things any day. What's the big deal and all that matters is doing things together. I know all that. It makes a difference when you are the one who makes the choice of changing the days and do the planning than when that choice is taken from you. The helplessness and all the crud that goes with it. Maybe it takes longer to adjust to a "new normal" for holidays because they don't happen as often. So a stage of grief you have come to terms with in another part of your life is behind the ball in others. There is also still that gap that our family isn't complete. Sean presence, no matter how scummy he may be and thoughtless or selfish on most days of the week, is still missed. I understand how the kids can hate him one day and miss him the next. I do. I miss who he was and what he was in our lives. Things like the holidays brings it all back. I just don't like holidays anymore. I don't like my birthday any more. I feel bad that I can't give my younger kids a real birthday party. I remember doing the bowling parties, pizza parties, yada, yada. I feel great regret in not being able to give them what I gave the older kids. I had such high hopes when Sofie was born that she could have even more than her brothers because Sean and I had worked so hard to get to a place to be able to do that. We had more to give than when the older boys were little despite the fact there was more kids. Holidays bring all that stuff back. I am going two steps forward in being able to come to terms with these losses but one step back every birthday, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween. So, I know this. I am not overly morose. I see it. I think about it. I know I need to deal. I feel good knowing I am not clueless like before. I can identify the empty feeling I have that was never there before. The sadness I feel that seems to go hand in hand with the feeling of happiness I feel when I see them open presents. Something that was never there before. I guess these are things that come with experience and getting older. It takes time to put things like this in perspective. I am still in the middle of it. I will wonder why I was taking so long years from now. I will have regrets I didn't appreciate things I have more than I am. I am kind of forcing myself a bit to be festive. I feel I have to. I know in the end I will be glad I did.

Ok, the school guidance counselor came out to the island today. It's been a while since she has been here. She came to the house and we had some one on one time (which was really great for me) and I was able to catch her up on how Cade was doing. She brought us a food card as a Thanksgiving treat which was really nice. She was really impressed at my commitment at keeping the kids in therapy even with the extra effort of having to bring them in town. Not easy I can tell you.

I got mail yesterday from DHHS stating they sent in a wage withholding notice to Sean's work. Finally. I am guessing that the school had finally gotten back to them confirming his employment. I still need to call them though about them getting on the ball withholding income from his disability as well. I have been thinking about how some people may read this and think I might not be saying too much about the topic if mental illness. There is only so much you can say at a time. Maybe I should have titled this blog as "fallout" or "How mental illness can change your life even if you don't have it". Almost all the stuff I talk about like the divorce, money, certain parenting issues, looking for work all stem from the same source. All have the same background in their DNA so to speak and that's is Sean's mental illness. Our sons depression, stress from lack of money, dealing with being a single mom all have fingers in the same mental illness pie. Even though Sean no longer lives here and we don't have to "see" his behaviours anymore on a daily basis doesn't mean we don't have to deal with it's impact on our lives. How have the boys processed how to be a man and father and husband from that male role model in their life? How will that form who they will become? When you are away from the problem for a while how do you handle it when you see him again and how do you react? It can be easy to forget. Then you have an issue and it's back in your face again and the not normal actions. The compassion you used to have is not as strong or gone all together. You question how other family members can't see it when it is so obvious. Then you question yourself. These are things the kids see and begin to want to believe their dad is "normal" like he claims and they try and forget all the things he used to to do and still does but they are not there to see it everyday anymore. Learning to deal with a family member with bipolar who you no longer see daily but is still a part of your life I think as it's own set or rules. A good 98% of the sadness and anger in our lives still comes from Sean and the things he has done or is still doing. When you actually step back and realize that it is astounding. The illness was obvious when he was here. Now you just want to think he is just an ass or a jerk and a deadbeat dad. There are also well intended people who say how much better you all are without him and how he was probably never really sick at all but just a man whore and selfish bastard. Being apart you want to believe that. I know he certainly had a big part of him that was jerky. A lot of people do. I guess all I can say is you had to live it to understand. During those "down times" he was not not himself...besides the jerk stuff. That jerk stuff was there at all times not just the down. It was worse when he was down. It was the memory gaps and hearing things that got scary. Each new down time things got a little worse. Now we have to watch what we say or he gets manic like a dog with a bone. Dealing with his little fantasies of visits with the kids that no one here knew were happening and me being the "bad guy" in his eyes for popping his bubble. It really is sad and I know for myself I am coming to terms with the new situation but it does still really get under my skin sometimes when his family doesn't see it. They are getting better but they don't see him much either and have never lived it so I understand why it's taking so long. They haven't been burned as much or as often yet. I wonder sometimes at how much ego and pride his new wife must have to not see it. Then I think...whatever. It's her problem to deal with now. Thank God.

So, things went pretty smooth last night. I have been sending Connor to go and walk Cade and Sofie home lately from the dock. It gives him a chance to see his dad otherwise he wouldn't. It gives Sofie and Cade a chance to regroup a bit before they get home. Sofie was very happy to be back. She always screams mommy and hugs me so tight it almost hurts. I am sure Sean is grateful not to see that. Not that I am doing him any favors. She was a mess. Hear hair was a tangled mess. I doubt it was combed at all since I did it Friday. She was covered in marker and she had a rash on her face and butt. Lovely. I gave her a nice long bath and covered her in creams and medicines. It took a while to comb the knots out. While we were at it I painted her nails a nice fall brown color. She was thrilled. It still amazes me she sits still long enough for the polish to dry. Will gets very disgruntled every time she comes home like that. He was mumbling about Sean being nothing more than a glorified babysitter than a father. I just let it slide. No point in getting into an argument about it. Cade said his weekend sucked. Then he said he wasn't allowed to say that there. He did go to the tournament on Saturday and had some good pizza and unlimited glazed donuts. So much for their "organic" life humm? When Sean is alone his true colors come out. Sofie had a huge bruise on her leg. I wondered if she fell but it isn't like anyone is telling me. Cade did mention Sofie got bit again and he saw the bruise on her leg on Sunday and was wondering how it happened. I am guessing she got it on Saturday when Sean and Cade were gone for the day. I am just going to go with the fact she is three and it's not surprising she might have fallen. I was glad to see they didn't have her hair cut. I am glad I kept my mouth shut and never said a word. I am thinking I am going to have to do it myself though. She comes back looking like medusa every Sunday and it hurts her to have to get it brushed out. I go real slow but still. When she's home it's a quick and bonding thing for us that doesn't hurt. Of course I always put it up at meal times and at other times she could get stuff in it. They don't do that. I am sure more stuff will come out over the week. Joy. Oh, and I got a picture from Sofie when she got home. In crayon so I wonder why she looked like a rainbow vomited on her hands? Anyway, the picture really made me mad. I mean I was so...so..sick. It was folded up in a baggie. She was happy to give it to me and I was shocked that Sean would be kind enough to send it to me. Then I looked at it. It said, To Amy love Sofie and Ragan. I didn't even want to open it. Cade looked disgusted. He looked over my shoulder at it like a person might look at a car accident. Morbid curiosity. I looked at it because Sofie wanted me to. Inside one half was a drawing from Sofie. Stick people and scribbles. Cute..:) The other side was from the girl and it said on it, Amy Rocks! Please. She has met me once. I feel like a bad person for wanting to shred the drawing. I know..know the girl acts the way she does because of her mom. It isn't her fault. She will be 8 years old next month. I just get into very angry mom mode though when I think of her. How can I like the kid who bites and punches my daughter? Who walks in on my son when he's naked? I want to be more compassionate. I want to be more empathetic. I just can't right now. I really don't like her. I have never not liked a kid before. I have thought some were rude and mean and stuff but not outright disgust. I wonder if she made that picture for me because she wanted to? I really doubt it. Unless they are telling her how wonderful I am which would be odd considering the woman puts me down in front of Cade. Twisted.

Still, no money in my account. Trying not to get OCD about it. Really though, it can't come soon enough.

I looked up a book on amazon today that has been getting some buzz by the tweens on the boat thinking it might be something to check out for Cade and the library. I haven't been to my account there in ages since I can't afford to buy anything there anyway. I have been there looking up other things before but just not on my own account. Well, I thought to look at the saved to buy later section and I found stuff Sean had saved to buy there. This is my account with my credit card that would be used. I am sure he had forgotten all about it. He has no access to it now anyway. Still, it was a reminder that even though he had his own account that used his own credit card he was saving stuff and buying stuff on mine with me footing the bill. The stuff was saved in 2007, "the summer Sean went ape-shit" as we like to call it over here. I am sure he felt quite liberated to spend as much as he wanted as long as it wasn't his responsibility to pay anything back. I felt so dumb all over again. I wonder how many more unpleasant surprises I am going to find as the years go by? That was one of the things I hated most when he was still here.
Hearing stories from friends about things Sean did with them when I was out of town or something. It wasn't that he did those things. They weren't really bad. It was humiliating to hear from other people who assumed he had told me all this stuff before. I was so ashamed and when I would tell him how it would make me feel he would get angry and defensive about what he did. Trying to tell him it wasn't about what he did it was about him not telling me about it years ago that was hurtful never got though to him. He would just be angry and then I would feel bad. *sigh* I had hoped now that he is gone those days would be over. I am trying not to feel sad this week in general. Lot's of stuff. It certainly doesn't help that the " 1st anniversary" of the divorce is the 9th. One year and he already has the first anniversary of his new marriage coming up next month and a new baby. It's so unreal to me still. It feels so very very wrong.

Ok, I am trying not to get too anxious now. I have been checking my bank account hoping I would see the money DHHS was supposed to deposit. Realistically I am sure I have to wait at least another week. Still, I have $400 to my name and the kids see the dentist next week. Two of them anyway. I talked with the teachers about the plan and there is a big copay and thinking it over I wonder if Sean isn't giving me the info because he doesn't want to pay it. I dunno. I am not having luck getting a hold of the insurance company so far. I am determined to talk with someone who can help me. I have bills coming in and over course another month of rent is here. I got another $100 for work this week but it's so little. *sigh* I have a ton of places to clean this weekend. A lot of people will be up next weekend to close up. I hope I can get them all done in time. I am feeling a little stressed. Seeing that money would be nice but like the fridge new money won't just appear just because I open to door again thinking new food has suddenly appeared. I suppose I will have to cal DHHS anyway on Monday for a progress report. What a pain. I of course did my duty and emailed Sean last night about when and where to pick up Cade and Sofie for the weekend. I didn't say anything else. No response as usual. When will I stop getting bugged about that?