Wednesday, December 14, 2011
What have I been doing the past month and a half? Wallowing. Dwelling. Uninspired nothingness. That about sums it up. A real lack of energy to do anything but the bare minimum. Halloween was fun. I wore a pink wig and some glitter makeup and went as "Lady Gaga: the later years", it was a hit. Sofie was a vampire geisha. She was so cute in her outfit. She had glitter instead of white face but she did go with deep red lips and fangs. Connor went trolling with the teens on another island, Cade was a bank robber and Will dressed up as a "sword wielding alien princess" to hand out candy. He went with the princess motif to irritate some of the more "manly" men of the island because Will likes to walk the edge of elder respect and enjoys watching adults squirm uncomfortably. One boy asked Will why he was dressed as a girl and he said. "I am an alien." The kid thought about it for a moment and said, "Cool." His dad wasn't as impressed. I personally found it hilarious. Sofie got two pillowcases full of yummy treats.
November was full of field trips, meetings, work and creative scheduling with Sean. He is testing me again on boundaries and I am finally being smart enough to see his actions for what they are and staying firm. Can I do this? Will I do that? Could I help him out here? Uh. No. I'm not trying to be a witch or anything but he has to figure out his own life and I am not his wife anymore to take care of things for him. He already has a bed warmer to that for him. As long as he fulfills his obligations to the kids I really don't see why I should be more involved. He has been bailing on weekends with Sofie. He already doesn't see the boys so you would think he would cling a bit more to Sofie. Kicking her to the curb this early though is a bit surprising. Then again, she has been quite vocal in her displeasure in going on visits. If he can stay strong and show her he wants her there it should work itself out but he has the spine of a wet tee shirt so I don't see that happening.
Anyway, it's the holidays and they always make me maudlin. I like seeing the kids open presents and everything but when you have very little spare money wise to get them anything it gets pretty depressing. Still, things are better than when Sean first left but still pretty bad. I am glad to have the post office job with a more or less steady income, even if it's small. I love the dollar store. Stocking stuffing has never been easier with that place. I am glad I have been picking up things over the whole year so things won't be so thin.
We had our island party this past Saturday. It was really great and relaxing. The kids play was wonderful. They did a Christmas Carol. Sofie's little buddy Aiden was scrooge and she was his past love and she was crying saying, "You love money more than me!" He lowered his head to his hands and shook his head. It was so funny. They were awesome. Sofie was also the ghost of xmas future. Easy role since she didn't have to say anything and just point. She was also scrooges niece, inviting him to xmas dinner. Small school has to double up roles. She has another play on Monday for the other island school she goes to for art and music. They are doing the Reindeer Whisperer and she is one of the deer. I can't wait to see it.
For now though we are getting over illness. I had a stomach bug Monday and Tuesday. Today I could finally clean my house which looked like a bomb had hit it. I am really run down though. Stinks too because we got all kinds of extra food from the party on Saturday. At least the kids could eat it and I didn't have to cook. Sofie has a bit of a cough and sniffle thing going on so she has been on the couch all day sipping juice and watching cartoons. She is napping now so I know she isn't up to snuff.
So life trauma is moderate. Battling my own down times which are only my own problem. I know it's just me still sad and unhappy from life changes forced upon me I haven't really come to terms with and probably never will. Just letting time do it's thing to make it more tolerable. I can do the happy dance but it is so exhausting to do so. Draining. I still have to deal with Sean doing strange and weird things that make me wonder if his family really gives a crap about him at all to not notice. I just really wish sometimes he would go away and I could wash my hands of the whole bipolar mess. As long as the kids see it, I see it. It affects them so it affects me. Can't have the good without the bad. I want to enjoy the kids childhood and yet want them all grown up so we can wash hands of him, everything. The messes and the emotional drainage.
I'm so glad I am taking vitamin D. I would really be weepy otherwise wouldn't I? I'm off to plan my craft for the kids craft day tomorrow. It will be a nice community thing. As long as no one trips over the hot glue gun cords we should be all set...:)
Sunday, October 30, 2011
I have been doing my best to dodge the weird phone calls from Sean. I answer of course but as soon as I notice something is off with him I try and end things as soon as possible (more so than usual). I have been using email to try and arrange the whole holiday visits schedules. In person he has been agreeable and eager with me but I have been down that road before. He doesn't ask about Cade coming anymore. I can only assume he just figures Cade with come eventually and if not, oh well. Sofie on the other hand the past few months has been getting down right falling into tantrum mode about not wanting to go. It used to be she would cry and complain only to me. I would be stressed and trying to soothe her and by the time Sean would show up to get her she would be fine. Slowly that has changed to where she would seem happy to see him, hug him and turn to me ready to go home. It was like she had an attitude of, "Well, I hugged him, smiled and said hello so now I'm done." Then when she realized she would have to actually go she would cry and whine and say she wanted to go home with me. Sean was finally having to go through what I had have had to deal with from the beginning. Maybe that's a good thing? Maybe she is feeling more comfortable with him? All I know was this Friday was the first time since nearly the beginning of her having to leave that I cried.
We had a field trip this week to Bangor which is about 2 1/2 hours from here. We left on Wednesday to meet up with the other outer island kids and went to the planetarium, had a presentation about the space shuttle and astronauts, went to a rock climbing wall and a challenge course. We spent the nights in cabins by a lake on Wednesday and Thursday and had a Halloween party on Thursday. Even though it was packed with activities it was surprisingly relaxed and the kids had a blast. Sofie was amazing and unafraid scrambling up the rock wall, all harnessed up and repelling down. She got right in there with the older kids and making friends with the two other kindergardeners. On Friday we drove back, she napped and then we had our last swim class. I splurged and got her a happy meal. We talked about her going to Sean's and she was not very happy about it but didn't cry like usual so I made the mistake of thinking things would be at least the same as before or a little better when I dropped her off. She was rested and fed and relaxed from swimming. When she saw Sean some into the bay lines she got up and instead of running to him she ran off before I could stop her and hid behind the benches along the wall where we really couldn't get to her without dragging her by the arm which neither of us wanted to do. I tried talked to Sean calmly telling him about her trip and telling him the usual things he needed to know hoping it would give her time to calm down some. In the end it took us 15 minutes to coax her out. Sean was getting angry and asked me why she was doing this all of a sudden. I told him this wasn't sudden it was only the past few months he was starting to see what I have been telling him about from the beginning. I suppose he just never believed me before. He told me that when he gets her to his house that it's like this stuff never happened. I told him just because she isn't actively crying doesn't mean she isn't still upset. The hardest part for me was when she refused to say good bye to me because she thought if she didn't she wouldn't have to go. So I said good bye instead and she cried and looked at me like I had slapped her. I really felt for the first time I was abandoning her. The look she gave me nearly killed me. Sean had said to me a few minutes before, "Well, aren't you going to say good bye to her?" In a very nasty way as if Sofie's tears were all my fault. This was right after he had been trying to convince her that coming with him would be fun. He had told her he had pizza and that they would go see a movie (which was I'm sure a lie) and wouldn't she like that? Like this? She agreed of course, who wouldn't? Then he said, ok let's go and Sofie said no that she was going with her mommy. I had almost laughed at that because she reminded me of the boys right then. They always got a kick out of Sean trying to bribe them and they saw it for what it was and took what they could but it never once changed their minds about anything and told him so and here she was doing the same thing. Sure I like pizza and the playground and movies. Sure I want to go and eat that and do that...just not with you. This was of course when Sean went from the cruel, here we go again to, nasty. Thankfully he was focused on taking that out on me and how everything was my fault but I didn't care and better me than her. I know I'm not doing anything to turn her against him. When he bails out of visits Sofie doesn't even bat an eye anymore. She shrugs and says he must be busy. Anyway, I said goodbye and could hear her cry and scream for me. It sounded like a kidnapping with her crying how she wanted her mommy. I had a lot of friends there from the island and one of them came up to me and hugged me and I just started to cry right there. She whispered to me that Sofie was walking on her own and everything was ok. I certainly didn't want Sofie to see me upset in anyway and held it together until she couldn't see me. Kids are smart. You can even let them get a sniff of your moods because it affects them. You have to be cold at heart until they are gone. I don't want to influence her in any way. Yesterday, while I was working at the post office everyone who had been there who hadn't spoken to me on the boat that night talked to me about what happened. It was nice to have everyone so concerned for me and Sofie but it was hard because my feelings seemed to be right on the surface. When I wasn't thinking about it I was fine but it would only take a few words and tears were right in my eyes. Small town. I can only hope Sean's odd mood swings stay stable enough to deal with her.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Sofie's reading/video game corner
So Cade is gone for the week on a school trip. He forgot his sleeping bag of course even after I reminded him. I am getting better and shrugging and telling myself it isn't my problem. I did my part after all.
Sofie was supposed to go on a field trip yesterday but we both felt sick. I was crashing after getting only 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night since Saturday. I don't know if I was stressed more than usual or just feeling the cold coming on that kept me up so much. I like that night time cold stuff. It helps.
Connor finally managed to find a job. Not in town though but on a nearby islands boat yard. He will be patching traps and learning how to work on boats. He will work every day he doesn't have to stay after school and weekends. Due to the boat schedule that will mean him staying with a friend on the other island quite often. I am not thrilled but willing to let him try. If he crashes and burns at least he tried. I packed a banana box full of food for him so he won't eat his friend out of house and home. He has a set time every day to call or the job experiment is over and a certain grade he has to maintain for school. He is also seeing his school counselor every single day now. That more than anything has been the most helpful. His mood is good. So, we'll see.
Will is moving right along. He has been making about $1000 a month and also doing side jobs and school work. He could be doing more school work than he is but he'll have more time for that by the end of November. He already is never here on his days off spending time with friends so I am not worried about him cutting off from the world. I don't ask him to pay me rent or anything but he helps me when I ask without complaint, helps with Sofie if I need it and helps with some of the bills like the phone and internet. His brothers complain a bit when he might hog the tv but I tell them he has earned it and since he is rarely home to watch it in the first place they better not whine. He also cooks which is a huge bonus but I know he if didn't already like doing that he wouldn't. One thing about Will is he won't do anything he doesn't want to do. Quite stubborn.
In my quest to update the library to a more modern age I have been fiddling around with ebooks and audiobooks. I have been about going blind with all the free options out there to listen or look at. There is just not enough time in the world to read everything and that makes me sad. I wish I could earn money by reading. I would be filthy rich.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Sofie at Matinicus Island field trip
I find it is rather a good thing work slows down for me this time of year. I have to keep a closer eye on Connor and his moods and it is just so stressful I don't think I could handle anything more. My store job is only one day a week now. The post office job is one sometimes two days a week. My babysitting is spotty at best and the cleaning jobs will be pretty much over after this week. Scary but at least I have something. I am pushing that work/money stress aside and dealing with kids stress now.
As for my own school that is finishing up this week and I am going to take a break from that as well. I am burnt out. I will go back after a semester break. I wanted to cry dealing with this last class. It wasn't hard to figure out but a lot of work and it felt so meaningless. Besides, all the school stuff I want to deal with for the time being is the kids school stuff.
Connor has had trouble again getting to school but me and our support group of counselors and teachers stopped the ball before it got out of control this time and he is back on track. His grades are good but I can see an oncoming obsession with money happening with him again. He gets consumed with one obsession after another and it drives me crazy. Now he want to a job and it's his main focus. In other kids, wanting a job to earn your own money would be a good and responsible thing to do. In Connor it's the start of a guilt trip. He wants money usually because he feel like he owes a lot already and feels guilty. He also never got over the fact he got let go of his lobster job earlier than expected. He had spent his money thinking he would be able to make another $400 or so to tide him over but then he didn't get the work. I warned him that this could happen but who am I, right? I have offered him a few bucks working with me on some cleaning jobs but he always bails at the last minute. I don't offer any more. Will asked him to haul for him this past Saturday so he could go to one of his life breath classes and Connor hemmed and hawed until it was too late. He said no then yes but Will told him he had to know earlier than when Connor told him. I also don't think Connor can handle school and a job at the same time. Especially this time of year. I just feel like everything is holding on by a thread with him.
I was lucky enough to have Sofie for the extra day off here over the holiday. It was a dad weekend but he brought her back early. Not a big shock there. Cade is still not going and I am not sure how this will all play out.
Gotta run, I am going to work on figuring out ebooks and audiobooks for our library computers and how to link the system with the main branch. I should get paid more for this. *sigh*
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Well, I have been a lazy bum when it comes to updating this. It was a busy month. Swim lessons started up again for Sofie. I had a birthday and so did Cade. I can't believe he is twelve now. His dad didn't send a card or anything. He did call once, stuttering and hardly coherent but yet still had the presence of mind to try and blackmail Cade into coming for visits again by holding a birthday present as leverage. He did the same thing to Connor. Cade remembered that and wasn't impressed. Cade also got zip from his grandparents. I so love how Cade is made into a bad guy in al this. Anyway, his brothers and I pooled together and got him a bike. It wasn't anything expensive and very simple with no gears or anything. Just something to get from point A to B and easily fixed.
Sofie and I also went on a school field trip to another island. I posted some pics of the trip. Thankfully no one was seasick but it was close for a few of us. It was a blast. It was also cold since we had to camp in tents. We were both wiped out at the end though.
As for Connor....that is a whole other post.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I can't believe it's been so long since my last post. Things were supposed to slow down right?
Kids are back to school and after a few bumps seem to be doing fine. Cade is trying my patience and is already grounded for a week. He just didn't bother coming home until the late boat yesterday without asking or calling to hang out with friends. We need to nip that trend in the bud. Otherwise he's good. Sofie has been crabby and testing limits. It seems when kids hit that half year mark in age they turn nasty. She's almost 5 1/2 so it has begun. Whining, saying no, not picking up because "she doesn't want to", tattling, crying at the drop of a hat. I almost wish she was at school all day and not half a day. Today is her first full day so she can attend specials. She is excited about that. Connor is doing well so far. He has been open about how his days have been and sharing a lot with Will as well. Fingers crossed. Will is still working and doing school. He was really tired yesterday. He was out for 10 hours and was not pleased when it was around 80 degrees.
I have a full post office day today. Working out how to deal with Sofie was a challenge. I will miss her first swim this season as well because I have to be here at the PO. Another mom is taking her in so Sofie can go to a birthday party afterwords. She will be all hyped up on fish sandwich and cake when Sean picks her up. I am not sad about not seeing him at all. Cade isn't going again so I will have him with his nose to a book this weekend. He has a lot of it to do.
It feels like I am all over the place again. I am still cleaning and at the library for the school and closing it up for winter. I also am doing the store hours. It feels weird. Anyway, I feel too tired to get my school work done a lot. Seasonal allergies I never really knew I had kicked me on Friday. I was sneezing for nearly four hours straight. It was awful.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
First Day of School - Big Kid Desks
So, yesterday was my birthday and the kids first day back at school. My golf cart was fixed the afternoon before so I was able to drop Will off for work and then take Sofie to school. When we opened the door everyone began singing to me. I think they could tell I was embarrassed. Sofie didn't know what to do. It was kind of funny.
I wasn't sure if Connor was going to make it at all. He was up at 3am running the shower. I knew that meant he wasn't feeling well and sure enough he was throwing up shortly there after. He said after he threw up that he felt a whole lot better though and went to school. I had been thinking, here we go he's going to miss his first day. I don't know if it was nerves or something he ate. He was the only one who got sick though and he has been fine since.
That after noon I went back to the school for a PTC (parent/teacher committee) meeting to plan out the school year. The kids were all playing in the playground and we were trying to finish off to meet the ferry at 4pm to see how the big kids first day went when Will popped his head in to ask for a ride home. I said sure and then we heard an engine and a squeal of brakes. Will went to check and he came back in pale and said "someone" (I can't legally say who) was injured. Since in that room alone we had 3 EMT's we ran outside. The ambulance was on the other side of the playground so I told Will to watch the kids and keep them out of the way. We sent someone else to tell the family since they were also right down the road. It was a trauma and my first real call. I don't know but when you know the person too it adds a whole lot more to the whole thing. Keeping calm and out of each other's way. So one of us called 911 to get the fireboat out and on it's way, another got the ambulance out and the other stayed with our friend. It took a while and from the time we started to the time we were washing down the ambulance took nearly two hours. We got a call this morning that the person is going to be ok but in the hospital a few days. I felt so bad because as EMT's we can't do anything for pain and the person was in a lot of pain. Knowing the person is in good hands really is a relief.
After that excitement I went home to a pot roast and lemon cake I made for my birthday. The kids were great with Will taking Sofie home and them getting everything ready knowing why I was gone. I had a friend over and the presents were nice. After I was all relaxed Cade gave me a huge folder of school paper work to sign. That wasn't what I was hoping for to end my day.
Today started off well other than the rain. I got Will and my friend's son to work and Sofie to school and on the way home the cart died again. I could have screamed. It was just wet and being a pain but, really?
Here we go again. That taste of road freedom was so sweet. *sigh*
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
So, the golf cart is still a big question mark. I am having it moved to my driveway today and I have someone who is going to look at it. It seems to be a wiring issue and fixable.
We are as ready for school as we are going to be. I have a headache really just thinking about it.
Looks like I have wrangled another job for the fall and winter working for our little store a few hours a week. Hopefully I can survive with that, the post office (if it doesn't close) and the day care I do. Hopefully. Will is helping out too now that he is working which is nice. I could never count on his child support anyway so it all a bonus. Especially now that Sean no longer has to pay for him. Will of course is trying to balance work and school. It's hard I know. I am struggling with mine. I did well last semester but not really feeling it this semester. I am doing the work but not as quickly as I should. It hasn't helped I have been off and on ill recently. I had some really bad head pain last week that had me down. Stomach trouble too. I am ok now but now I feel like I am behind in everything.
On a fun note we have already planned a school field trip for September. It is an inter-island get together on Matinicus island. We have to get there by either plane or someone's lobster boat. It is 20 miles out and has a one room school house like us. The kids have been conferencing via skype for a few years now and do book groups together and even some classes. It's great experience with technology as well as socialization. Every year we all try to physically get together with the other outer islands. They have one kindergarten student this year just like Sofie and a girl too. Everyone wants them to get together so much it's cute. We will be camping in tents for two days and I have to come up with an activity. Their school goes to 8th grade. I wish ours did too. Oh well. I will have to leave Will in charge for those two days. He will so enjoy that. Can you read the sarcasm there?
Sofie came home from her visit yesterday. I let her stay an extra day so she wouldn't have to come home during the storm. She had me struggling to keep a straight face on the boat ride home. She asked me if I knew that Kathryn had a scar on her chin. I didn't recall her having one before so I said no. Then she said, "Maybe if she was nicer, people wouldn't want to beat her up and leave scars." Now, I did not ask if this scar was a result of an actual "beating up". It could have been an old bike injury for all I knew. I thought it was interesting Sofie thought she was mean enough to deserve a beating. Then she tilted her head and said, "Maybe Ramona did it." This told me it must be a fresh wound. I didn't want to think if Sean had done anything. He gave me stitches once but it was an accident. I said to her I didn't think Ramona (the "baby") was strong enough to do something like that. Sofie was very animated by then and assured me of how strong the toddler was. She pointed to a fresh bruise on her leg and told me how the girl had come "out of no where" and punched her in the leg. "She has a strong head and strong fist and strong legs!" I rubbed her leg and asked her if she told daddy about it. She nodded and said, "Daddy yelled at her then he grabbed Ramona real tight on her arm and yanked her to put her in time out." I am not sure if I should feel glad Sean finally did something to protect his daughter or bad for how angry he was to the other girl. She is only two after all.
Well, back to work my break is over. I am at the post office today.
Monday, August 29, 2011
We were pretty lucky. Nothing bad happened ot us from the storm. In fact the boys said they were kind of disappointed. All I could do was sigh. I mean, really? Anyway, nothing flew away, we didn't lose power and it barely rained. It did rain and it was windy but we have had worse. The boats had been canceled for Sunday but by the evening we saw them running. I had a great day doing nothing because I had run myself ragged getting everything done "just in case" the day before. I almost didn't know what to do with myself.
Tried to pick up my golf cart today. It wouldn't start. It really must be me. I'm doomed to have anything that runs on the island. I am hoping it is just wet.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
So, we finally got everything inside that could fly through the air and break a window yesterday. t was kind of annoying the boys couldn't do it while I was at work but when I got some the look on my face showed I meant business and they hopped to it, except Will who had just got off work himself. He helped his boss get their boat out of the water. Yesterday was the "lobsterman" day at the marina. All the pleasure boats got out the day before. Will said they had to wait a long time because there was four boats ahead of them and five behind them. Everyone had been waiting as long as they could because they needed to get all their traps out of the water or set much further out. Will's boat isn't huge so they pulled all their traps. When you have 1000 traps that can take a while. To make it worse the lobsters know a storm is coming and have shuffled off to deeper water so they are lucky to have gotten 4 lobster in 50 traps. No joke. A lot of work for nothing.
Will left yesterday to a friends house inland. He wasn't running away from the storm but is hanging out with another friend. Lot's of his friends are shipping off to college so they are all trying to see each other for "the last time". At least Will brought in all the big stuff on Friday afternoon like the grill and lawn chairs and our plants. One of our neighbors boys (he is 16) was visiting when I got home and I told him if he was staying he was working. He laughed and helped out. Connor the sneak did nothing and instead made dinner for everyone. Nice trick to get out of clearing the yard but no one complained. He made shrimp alfredo. How can you complain about that?
We have our drinking water and toilet water all ready. I am pretty sure we will lose power. Not worried about flooding or storm surge though. We are on high ground. Even though it's been downgraded to a tropical storm the winds won't be any worse than some of the winter storms we get. We also had all the weak rooted trees taken down this spring so nothing should fall on the house. I do need to get a crank radio. That would be nice. I have a walkman but my speakers I had for it died. I haven't been able to find any to replace them. I have head phones of course but we liked being able to listen to music when the power went out. I was already stocked on batteries. To my immense relief. I also got a little camp stove after the last storm so we can have something warm. I did note I need more lamp oil. I poured the last of it in my lamp for this storm. First aid kit, check. I had been building my EMT bag so I wasn't worried there. Once I get my golf cart I should be getting a beeper to answer calls. It's a scary thought for me to be so responsible for someone else's life.
The boys are actually excited for the storm to come. My friends son is still here with me for the next week so there will be the four of us. I will keep the updates coming.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Has anyone noticed how I haven't changed my mood icon from overwhelmed all summer? It is a constant state of being. Tired could be right up there as well but I only have room for one emotion right now.
I tried to start reading a new book today and I really like it but I was in tears by page 17. Not that the story is sad in any way but a bit too familiar I guess. So, I am sure the rest of the day is going to be emotional.
I am actually at work at the library, very carefully not shelving the books I should be shelving. I did some but got distracted. I have been up since 5 am anyway. I was cleaning the babysitting until I had to come here. Connor said he would watch the kids for me (I was going to bring them with me) so they could play in the beach ball sprinkler instead. I thought that was nice of him to think of me and them to offer and agreed. I knew he was in a good mood because we had a good day yesterday.
Yesterday. We had a meeting at Connor's high school about him coming back. It was uncertain because there is limited space. We came up with a good plan and he will be going back on the 6th. We still have a few things to do to get ready but it is a huge weight lifted off of me.
If anyone is interested I was interviewed for an article that should be in the Wall Street Journal for August 31st. It is about one room school houses. So, if you see any quotes from an Amy on Cliff Island, that's me.
The storm. Well, it sounds like it is going to be a doozy. This afternoon I am going to make sure everything is put away in the basement that is not bolted down in the yard. I am going to get some drinking water ready and toilet water. I am grateful for all those bait buckets Will has been bringing home. We are all ready for the power to go out. Other than that we aren't very worried. We can always go to the hall if things get nasty. I really should invest in a generator though I think. Live and learn. I will be sure to let everyone know how we fair. Sofie will be in town with Sean. I am not thrilled about that but have little choice. Cade is again not going and Sean doesn't seem bothered by it anymore. Then again, Sean has been rather off the wall the past month. He's kind of in the clouds. Absent minded. Seen it before. Again, nothing I can do about it.
Back to shelving.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Sofie has a thing about historical figures. The real problem with that is she doesn't quite understand that they are "historical". She thinks everyone is still alive. The day before yesterday she asked me if I knew William. Will was there and we both looked confused for a moment. I said, "Your brother William?" She said, "No! William Wallace." Will tried not to laugh. I told her I knew about him but of course not personally. She asked me why not and I had to break the news that he was dead and died a long time ago. She burst into tears and said how she had never got a chance to meet him and how unfair that was. Will at this point had his hand over his mouth to hide his laughter to not upset her further. Then she went on about this was just like the time she never got the chance to meet Jesus. Will had to leave the room by then. All I could do was give her a hug and commiserate about the unfairness of life.
Friday, August 12, 2011
I was supposed to start babysitting at 6:30am today but my charge hasn't shown up yet. Ever since the man I was doing nursing for left (last Thursday) I have spoiled myself sleeping in a little. I still have to get up early to work at the post office two days a week (recently) but aside from that it has been rather nice. Timely as well since my stress levels have increased oddly enough. So much so I have had the resurgence of the nausea and chest pain (muscle soreness) I had way back in 2007/2008. Just wonderful.
On a upswing I finally have a new washer and dryer. My old one is fixable and sitting in my living room for the moment. I need to straighten out the basement before I move it down there. I will get some help for that. There are some things I know are just out of my realm.
My cleaning jobs will be ending soon. I am so thrilled. Good money but I am wiped by the end of the summer. I feel like I am hitting a wall right now. It has been a good feeling getting my own house in order and spending more time with the kids.
Sofie has to go to her dad's this weekend and I feel rather selfish. I want her home and I usually am ok with the kids leaving but this weekend I am in a bad mood about it. Could be knowing Sean's rational thinking brain is on the fritz this week could have something to do with it. Who knows, he could be back to "normal" by now. I haven't heard anything from him since Monday. I still haven't addressed the whole stealing debacle yet. I know this is adding to my stress. I want to stay home and bury my nose in my blankets.
So tired.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
How do I even begin? About two weeks ago Sean asked me if the kids could come over a day early and leave a day late because he had family visiting from out of state. We were on the busy dock and I was very distracted so I told him it would probably be ok but I would have to check and would he please email me the dates because I would forget. He thanked me and said he would. He didn't of course and I had forgotten about it. He emailed me the day before, which was this last Wednesday expecting the kids on Thursday. Well, I couldn't bring them in on Thursday which I told him, but I was able to switch things around for them to stay an extra day so they would come back on Monday. Him not contacting me should have been a sign. Now with most people you could brush it aside as forgetfulness. Not with him. One, he really did forget, which for him is never a good sign or two, he was deliberately creating drama to make himself look put upon by his relatives. A center of attention, poor me, narcissistic thing. I am going to have to go with two after what happened over the long weekend. So far I haven't commented on anything. I am still trying to decide if I should and if I do how I will handle things. I know I am going to push aside my frustration that he brought the kids back at noon on Monday and not at the normal 4pm time. I'm glad they were home earlier but he didn't tell me he was doing that. I emailed him to double check because I had a funny feeling things weren't quite right and he replied from the boat. I had to miss my noon class to pick them up and it was the only class I was able to attend so now my grade is going to go down from missing it. Frustrating yes but you pick your battles and this is low end of the totem pole. I was more upset that I could have missed picking them up entirely. Thank goodness Cade is old enough and we live where we live where he could have walked Sofie home if necessary.
On the walk home Cade said, "Well, I'm back from Hell." This was the first time he had gone in a while. He spent Friday and Saturday at his grandparents and Sunday evening with his dad. The grandparents house was full to the brim with people all weekend. Sunday almost everyone went hiking up Mount Washington except the younger kids and the grandparents. Cade wasn't allowed to go, them telling him he was too young which was funny since Sean dragged him along two years ago when he was 10. Anyway, the main issue was the fact Sean accused Cade of stealing again. Cade was more hurt that his grandparents now believe he is a thief than his dad's craziness. Cade broke a rule we had set to prevent this from happening again. I told him he was not ever allowed to bring any of his money with him of any visits ever. Every time he does he is accused of stealing. Cade had been dog sitting and sold some of his game cards to a friend and had $20 on him. He didn't break the rule deliberately. It was stuffed in his pocket and he had forgot about it, which led to a talk about being responsible about his money and keeping it safe but that is a whole other topic. Anyway, he had the $20 with him and on Sunday went out with his grandmother and a few of the cousins to a place that has games. He tried to use his money in a token machine but it was too rumpled to go through so it was spat back out at him. He pocketed the money and sought out a different machine, flattened out his money the best he could and this time was able to get his tokens. That afternoon his dad confronted him and accused him of stealing $60 from his grandfather. Apparently he had his wallet in the basement and now $60 was missing and Sean said Cade was the only one who spent any significant time down there. Cade was in the basement (where they keep their computer) to go online but he wasn't the only one and people go in and out of the house through a door down there all the time. Cade of course denied he took anything and said he only had ever had his $20 he had earned with his summer animal sitting business and card selling. His dad said, "Yeah, right." Then his grandmother told Sean she saw Cade with $40 dollars. What she had seen was him putting a $20 in two different token machines. She was not aware it was the same $20. Cade tried to clear up the misunderstanding but Sean accused Cade of calling his grandmother a liar. Sean then searched Cade's clothes and bag. He found nothing. On Monday he was confronting Cade on the boat for nearly an hour telling him to just admit it, that he stole the money, how could he do such a thing to his oxygen ridden, emphysema troubled grandfather after everything they have done for him and followed him to the bathroom to check and see if Cade had hidden any money to retrieve later. Cade finally had enough and pulled out his pockets, took his shoes and socks off and shook them, dumped his bag out on the table and told his dad out side of a cavity search Sean could look anywhere since he had nothing to hide. Sean then got bitter and said how he supposed Cade wouldn't came back for visits again for months because of this. Cade refused to speak to his dad anymore by then so Sean again got angry and said, "Oh, so you're ignoring me now?" Sean had told Cade how he could help him and if he needed money Sean could give it to him. (snort) Cade took a nap instead. So, I checked my email and phone and Sean had emailed me and left a phone message telling me how much he hated to say this but Cade was stealing "again". This made me angry because he didn't steal any of the other times Sean accused him. Sean then asked me to search Cade's things and confiscate anything I find so he could give it back to his parents. Apparently they also thought out of the whole house full of relatives and strangers that Cade was the culprit. Cade is most upset about that. He is also angry and certain his dad has been telling them he has stolen in past which makes him look like a likely suspect. Sean told me how Cade hadn't come with any money and now claimed to have $20. One, Cade would never tell his dad he had money even if he did in the first place because if he did Sean would devise and way to take it. That was what he has done for years now and one of the big sticking issues the older boys have with him. Two, he had no reason to take his money out before Sunday.
I want to shake my head how all of this could have been avoided if Cade had just left his money at home. There was a reason we decided to have that rule in the first place. I also believe Cade was lax about using his money because his dad wasn't around so he thought it was safe and because he hasn't had any fights of this nature in a while so it wouldn't happen again. That him not showing up for 4 months taught his dad a lesson. Since Sean never apologized the first time Cade should have known better but this is kind of what I had talked about before. You get complacent when things are going well or if you are detached for a while because then when it happens again you keep asking why, why?
Now, I know it's a Sean issue not just a Cade "stealing" issue because he has been harassing Connor recently as well. He called Connor the day before the hike and asked him to come. Connor thanked him and told he would have liked to have come if he had known about it sooner but he already had plans for the day and didn't have a way to be at the mountain by 9:30am. Sean was upset and told Connor how he couldn't believe he would choose a friend over his family. Connor tried really hard not to say something crass to that. It wasn't like he was offered a ride or anything. Connor said he was sorry and thanked him for thinking of him and hung up. Two days later Sean texted him and once again railed at him about not coming and how inconsiderate he was, how selfish Connor was for not visiting his family. He said how disappointed he was in Connor and how Connor had disappointed his family. Connor was upset about it and you could see how depressed it made him. He was saying things like, "Whatever.", but that was all cover. He finally said, "I just don't get it. I don't understand why he does stuff like this." I have to again remind him his dad has a mental illness and not just assume his dad is a jerk and try and be respectful of that. It isn't about Connor and do not believe all the negative things his dad says to him or about him. They are not true. When his dad is acting like that do not engage him. No one comes out a winner in that.
Which leaves me with, what do I do? I feel like it would be a positive to address the stealing issue with Sean because when a future court case comes up....and it will....I can have evidence that I did try and work with him on this issue. I did take what he said seriously. I did discuss it with Cade. I even did search his things. I was upfront about it with him. I explained why it was needed. Cade said he had nothing to hide and to go right ahead. That alone tells me volumes. I turned everything upside down. Nothing. If he had taken $60 and had spent $40 when he was out with his grandmother that would leave $20 to find on him somewhere. Yet, there was nothing. Not even a penny. Sean also asked me if any of us were missing money and I have told him time and time again we never do.
I was considering having a conference call with Sean, Cade and myself. I really want to say, this is the last conversation we are ever going to have on this topic. Explain how I took Sean's concerns seriously and the steps I took to deal with the issue. Deal with provable facts. Money may be missing but there is no proof of how that came to be. Did his dad lose it himself? Misplace it? Someone steal it? Second, why assume Cade did it? Just because he was in that area the longest does not prove he took money they can't prove was taken in the first place. Cade was searched by both of us, body and belongings and neither of us found anything. I can also verify Cade did have money of his own and how he earned it. Other than Sean's belief and opinion how can he say Cade stole anything? Is he basing his opinion on what he considers past behavior? Considering how Cade and Sean both have very differing ideas about that is significant. This issue needs to be looked at in it's own relevance, not connected to anything else. When looked at on it's own merits without bringing in any old baggage, then what to you see? I would like to set the same rule that Cade is not allowed to bring any money but this time let Sean know about it. I didn't tell him before to avoid an argument because the basis for this rule is because of how every time Cade does Sean accused Cade of stealing. I knew it would led to Sean trying to justify himself and that would be a waste of time. This time, lay it out there and say if Cade has money at all on his person when he is at his dad's from this point forward Sean is welcome to confiscate it. Cade was not thrilled with this but I said to him this is the only way. One, Cade will be more diligent about keeping his money at home. If he has money on him at the bay lines and his dad is picking him up he can leave it at the office for me to pick up for him. Cade was ok with that. If Cade has no money that hopefully this won't happen again. Of course Sean could still accuse him of stealing but there is nothing we can do about that. You can only instill so many preventive measures.
Then again, I would like to ignore the whole thing. It would also be nice to tell him off and tell him if he does this to Cade again I have him sued for harassment.
Dreams.
Should I say anything? I don't know what to do anymore. Cade by the way is not going back next weekend. I wonder why?
On another note, things are looking up for Connor to reenrolled in school for the fall. Weekly therapy in place to help him stay in line, pdoc on tap without a wait for any emergency, Connor wants to be there (which is more than half the battle). Let's keep our fingers crossed.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
As I briefly mentioned before, I may soon lose my postal job. I really can not say more but I can post links to those who can. Here is a local news spot showing our island.
Local News
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
All my previous whining aside I try and keep on target on why I started writing here in the first place. Dealing with mental health issues in the family. How that affects me and our family. What realizations I finally understand for the first time and the struggle that comes with that. It's easy to spout off when "things" are in crisis. You are focused on that and dealing with that so it's a tree in a forest thing. Then, there is the long term coping. That I think is much harder to deal with, live with, cope with, understand. It is so much harder to stay upbeat when this "thing" called mental illness wears you down. If it is this hard for me than I feel so much compassion for those who have to live it. At the same time however there are many times I want to scream and wash my hands of everything.
In my current dealings with my bi-polar ex-husband it has gotten slightly easier. Only slightly and that is because now that he no longer lives here it isn't a daily struggle. Let me preface one thing, when I say "bi-polar ex-husband" I use the term bi-polar for a reason. One, it is a reminder to me that yes he does have this illness no matter how much he protests otherwise and for me personally I have a hard time remembering it myself because I think I still don't want to accept it sometimes. Two, to differentiate which mental illness I am talking about. Anyway, the immediately consequences of his actions are apart from me which helps in the short term but make it hard for me in the sense that I can tend to think of him as some kind of ex-husband jerk stereotype instead of the issues he has. Also, the long term problems are what drains me. That is never going away. That is hard to accept and cope with. His issues with the kids, coping and financial are far reaching and there are times when it would be nice to want to run away from it all. That, however is "negative" thinking and so I make sure I recognize these feelings, give them a handy dandy label and sigh (or have a good cry) then regroup for a while until all if this feels too heavy again. As time goes on dealing with Sean's issues is getting, not easier but more predictable which makes coping somewhat ok for me. Connor on the other hand is still fresh for me.
For example, last week he was on a tear again. Really pushing boundaries. Not liking the consequences. Not my problem. Then Saturday night he was gone for hours, no calls, nothing. Curfew came and went. I have no vehicle to track him down and his phone was at home. I knew...knew...where he was but that was beside the point. I called the house I knew he was at and he apologized profusely. I didn't care. The next day he asked if he could work with me at a house cleaning job I had in the afternoon. That was great because Sean wanted to drop Sofie off half a day early. No shock there. So, I would have to take time out to get her and bring her to my job which would slow me down. Did Connor actually work? Nope. He had his mental health burp. He was depressed the whole day. He refused to say this was how he was feeling but he was sleeping almost the whole day and kept calling his counselor. I am glad he was seeking the right kind of help while in that frame of mine. Not an easy thing by any means so I am hoping his therapy is paying off somewhat. I am worried he has the next two weeks off from it because his counselor will be on vacation. The next day Connor was back to normal, doing chores and homework. The ups and downs make my head spin. If I could only see some kind of pattern.
oh, and on other news, they are thinking of closing our post office again. It's on a short list. I can't say more but it will be on the news.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Things have been feeling like they are out of control. Too many things going on and I am so stressed out I have been gagging every morning from it all. I haven't done that since Sean left really. Things will be slowing down soon. The end of this month/beginning of August. Still, time seems to be running together.
My washer is not working at all right now. The back is off and I am waiting for a part for it right now. I had practically now clean laundry. It isn't like I can pop down to the laundry mat from here. I am paying a neighbors friend to do it for me in the meantime. Not much but enough to cover gas for the golf cart to get it to their house, water, electricity and his time. I am also muti-tasking by having him pick up and drop off the laundry at the same time so I can get a ride from him to my evening nursing job. My car won't go down the path to that house even if it was running properly, which it isn't, so I never use it anymore. It's walking and bumming rides until the end of September when I will be getting used golf cart for free. I normally love walking but my feet hurt so much at the end of the day I am getting edema and I am walking up at night from the throbbing. It isn't so much the walking but the fact I am on my feet from 5am until nearly 9pm every day. Let's forget bathroom breaks and not include meals because I am usually running around while I eat. I try and put my feet up whenever I can and Will has been making dinner when he's home so I don't have to. The kids are doing chores but they don't always see my notes and I can not always call from different jobs.
Typical day: Up at 5am, clean up, eat (take vitamins), dress, pack for the day (usually a lunch), do at least one chore, walk to job.
Nursing job from 7 or 7:30am until just before 10am on library days later if Sunday or Tuesday. 10am -walk to library, Monday, Wednesday, Friday (unless working at the Post Office, which means I have to find someone to cover library job and skip morning nursing job), 12pm - head home to do homework and chores unless it's Thursday when I go to clean houses instead until 5 or 6pm. Walk home, eat, change, do one chore, go to evening nursing job from 7:30pm until 9pm, walk home unless I get a ride. Saturday I do the nursing job, post office, library, clean a house, home to eat then nursing job. Sofie comes with me to clean the houses and the library so I am spending time with her and give Cade a break to play with his friends. Will watches her in the evenings. Also, in there I am dealing with Connor when he gets into fits, making sure he goes to therapy, making sure he does his school work and that he is trying to be balanced while he works, does school and spends time with his friends. I wanted to scream last week and did wind up crying for nearly two hours when my patience met it's end with him. He was pushing the boundaries every single day, several times a day for a whole week. Then on Friday when I had a full work day, went to drop off Cade and Sofie in town to find out Sean had bailed so now I had to come up with new babysitting plans off the cuff, did my food shopping and house hold shopping, took Will to get new work pants, dealt with a moody Connor and got home at midnight on the late boat to get all of this done, Connor decides to tell me he is going to a friends house the next day and not going to do a cleaning job he said he would do. I lost it. I was in a panic because there was no way I could clean the house myself in the time allotted because I would be at other jobs. I had asked Connor if he wanted to do the job over a month ago and clearly said if he didn't I would find someone else so it wasn't a big deal and no pressure. He said he would because he wanted the money. Now he tells me he never agreed to do it and I wasn't on the same page as him and I get mad too easily. That just upset me more. Oh, did I mention I had been up 22 hours by this point? I asked him how he would feel if he had a kid who didn't ask permission to go someplace but thought he could just say he was doing it and think that was ok, skip a job that was agreed upon leaving someone else scrambling, skip therapy (which he did last week, it was for a valid reason so that wasn't my problem it was because he didn't call) without being responsible and calling the counselor to let them know and then getting angry with the parent who points out the problems but yet doesn't get mad and instead says, "If you don't want the job fine I will get someone else but you can not visit your friend because you didn't ask which is the rule and instead felt it was ok to tell me, the parent, what you are going to do at 12 o'clock at night. Not to mention the fact the chores you were asked to do did not get done or did you call your counselor which you said you would do and I called to remind you to do. Do you think it's ok to get angry with me instead. That seems a bit defensive." Well, first off he said it didn't matter how he would feel about a kid of his doing that because he is never having kids. Totally missing the point of developing some empathy. Then said I was over thinking things. He then went on to try and walk away and when I told him to sit so we could talk he got angry again. He said a lot of hurtful things and that I want to do everything in my timetable. Not trying to see all the help I have been trying to give him on developing his own timetable of doing what he needs to first and doing a little at a time to not overwhelm himself. He said how he never gets to spend time with his friends. Let's forget he has a friend staying with him the whole summer. I told him he sees his friends every single day after work for at least four hours. He said that it wasn't enough and he shouldn't bother at all. I told him if he wanted to be that way and cut him self off that was his choice. He said it was my choice because I would let him go visit his friend on another island for the day. I told him I wouldn't take the blame for his actions. He can spend some time with friends or none at all. His choice. As for not seeing his friend the next day, well, I felt bad about that but there are consequences to actions and he had been pushing the boundaries of his actions for a whole week. My finally saying no doesn't mean I get angry too quickly by any means. In fact being patience for a week to see him make good choices on his own was above and beyond what other parents would do and he should be grateful that I feel he has the ability to be mature and responsible enough on his own without me micromanaging his life. Then he went on about about how I was a liar and how I always say positive things to him but bad mouth him behind his back to Cade. Cade tells him how I think he is lazy and stupid etc.. That's when I started to cry. I told him I never said such things and I would be speaking to Cade about this. Right now I wasn't even in a place to know if what Connor was saying was really true or something he was saying to hurt me and Cade. I was also really upset after everything I have said and done if Cade real did say such things that Connor could so easily believe such a thing. I finally went to bed that night but only had four hours of sleep before I had to work the next day. Although he didn't apologize he did see me at work the next day with over half of his math work he needed to get done for the whole year done. As well as bring me lunch and he did almost all the chores. I knew it was his way of thinking things through and realizing he had been lax in things and he wasn't angry with me anymore. Still, I am wary and still hurt by it all and I feel some distance between us on my part. It's something I will have to work through. It reminds me a bit too much of his dad for me.
I am still using slippers to get around. I went to the store to get new shoes but I only had time to go to one place and they didn't have what I wanted in my size. I ordered some sneakers online so they should be here any day. I am still looking for some sandals though. Thank goodness for online shopping.
Sofie has been having a blast. She has been earning ice cream with memorizing poems for story hour, and cleaning up the beach, building fairy houses and playing tennis. I helped he make a little "nursery" in my room for all her babies. She has been having so much fun with that. She has been looking for sea glass, making jewelry, doing bridge school work, dancing, swimming and playing with the sprinkler. The most exciting thing has been her bike riding. I think she may be off the training wheels by the end of the summer. If she manages it she will have done it long before the boys did. Here's hoping.
Cade doesn't want to see his dad next weekend. Sean has been asking me why and I told him they needed to discuss it. Cade was willing to go and talk to his dad last weekend and Sean said he couldn't take him. Now this weekend Cade wants to have friends over and doesn't want to go. Sean facebooked Connor saying he wanted to talk to him so Connor called him and Sean never answered his phone. Sean called back several days later but Connor was spending the night with a friend. I told Connor his dad called and he just shrugged. I'm not the middle man.
I had better get back to work now. Break is over.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
It's been awhile huh? I should be doing homework but I am taking break. I was feeling stressed and that wasn't helping.
So, here is a quick low down on what's been happening. Connor's mood is much better. His therapy appointment last week went well. He has been working consistently which is a huge improvement although he still is having trouble balancing work, friends and school work. School is always last and then he has a frenzied moments where he does school and nothing else. We are working on that.
Cade has seen his dad once in almost two months and is skipping again next this weekend. Sean hasn't said much.
Sofie and Cade had a stomach bug Sunday and Monday. My washer doesn't spin so laundry was so much fun with that going on. I am having someone come look at it next week.
My desktop and modem fried and are now useless due to a storm. Thanks surge protector. I was able to get a new modem for free from a friend and I got that up and running after a full day at the post office and before one of my online classes. I got it done with only 15 minutes to spare. Now I don't have a desktop.
I lost my only pair of sneakers and cried. It took me years to find a pair I really liked. I now have no money to get new ones. I should be getting a good amount of money soon. Work is picking up because of the summer. I am trying not to take on too many jobs and get overwhelmed.
My island car made me scream last week. I hate it and need a new car desperately. I wish I had $6000 because someone in the PO is selling one used but in great condition. The only thing is the steering is on the right side. Fun for the island though. Still, I don't even have $60 much less that.
Sean owes close to $4000 now. He is falling apart at the seams apparently. "They" lost the van they had purchased for all the kids and now only have his duct taped lexus to drive. Fights are breaking out all the time and even Sofie is fed up with it. Chaos. Utter chaos. I really love the fact she was the one who turned in her car to get the van so you know it was either under her name or the both of them and yet he still has his car while she doesn't. So it begins.
Sean's parents have been incommunicado with the kids. I think the whole graduation thing is still an issue. The kids also aren't very inclined to talk with them. Of course, the catalyst in all of this is Sean. Him and his illness are still causing pain and hurt for everyone.
I had better get dinner ready. It isn't easy when you are almost out of food. I need to go shopping tomorrow. I hope I have enough money to do so.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Things have been tense around here since Thursday. Sometimes it's hard to forget how stumbling blocks that everyone has to deal with from time to time can have nasty results for others who are already fighting to maintain stability.
Connor had been doing relatively well recently. Working from time to time but not every day and doing school work, trying to find a balance. I knew with the change of the other kids ending school for the summer and me going back to work at the library it would be hard since change is not something he does well. Still, he was doing fine if maybe needing some pushing and reminding from me. Weekly therapy has been a big help. Until Thursday. He went to town for a session and he had asked to go by himself which I let him do with the caveat that I had to go at least one session a month for accountability, my views and scheduling. He was ok with that. I was planning on going to the next session this coming Thursday. On his way he walked with a friend to his friends school and they stopped off at a dunkin donuts for a coffee then went on the way to school. At school Connor realized he had left his wallet at the store. He raced back and found his wallet but he had been robbed. He had been planning on going to the bank to deposit money he had earned working and was now out $130 and his bank card. This tipped him right over into depression and anger. He tried to look at the positive that he at least still had his boat pass. However, he wasn't in the frame of mind to think clearly. He sat at the bay lines all day until his friend got out of school (it was the last day) and told him what happened. His friend saw his state and invited him fishing which helped a little. Connor had been planning to buy a phone card so he could call me but now he couldn't. He didn't go to the bank, which was across the street, to report his stolen card. He had no money to use a pay phone to call me, but if he had been thinking clearly he would have known that the deckhands would have let him use their phone since he has done it before. He didn't eat or drink all day. He also bailed his therapy appointment. He didn't call to cancel either and he had been warned that if he did that again he would be dropped. So things were a mess. I made him call his counselor the next day and the bank. That night when he got home I made him drink and eat and go to bed. Friday he was a broody mess and exhausted all day. He still hasn't made that connection between depression and exhaustion. He got offered a job for Saturday and was wishy washy about it. So, I told him he had to go. He whined that he had never said he would (although he had) and I said I wasn't going to argue about it. The commitment was made and it was only for one day not a long term thing. He huffed and went to his room. The rest of the kids knew what happened and felt bad but wouldn't say anything to him afraid to set him off. Saturday he went out on the water to work ( he hauled on a lobster boat) and came back that afternoon much better. He said he had fun and then he washed up and went out with friends. I hope the big part of the mood swing is over. I am not happy that he didn't see his counselor as a support. I told him that at times like that are perfect reasons to go not bail. He said he just wasn't in the mood. (scream) I told him that was the whole point. His mood was crappy and that was what his counselor is there for. So, we have a lot of things to discuss this Thursday. Hopefully he won't be dropped. Also, I hope I can make sure the DBT is on track. Coping skills, without them Connor's life is going to be real tough.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Well, Will heard from his grandparents. I still have a hard time understanding their reasoning and if I do then I am rather certain Will does too. His words after he read their email was, "Well, if they keep this up then I will just treat them like dad."
Why such harsh words? Will let me and Connor read the email. Connor didn't even finish it he was so disgusted. I reread it several times just trying to grasp what they were saying. I could tell it was well intended. They are just so far off the mark.
Will had emailed them with the information about his graduation. He had called as well. He had talked with his grandfather who asked who was going to be there and he never once asked if Will's dad (his son) would be there. When Will emailed he told them he would appreciate it if they didn't tell his dad about the information because he didn't want his dad there. It is his day and he didn't want there to be a scene or stress because it would "ruin his graduation". There was no reply and they didn't show up. We didn't know what was going on and he never even got a card. Yesterday, Will checked his email and saw one from his grandfather. In it he had a paragraph telling Will his feelings were his feelings and that he understood them and they weren't wrong. He said how he was an adult when his parents divorced and how it made him feel. He had asked his dad about what happened but his dad had told him it was none of his business which made him angry. Later on he realized his dad did that for him. His dad had an affair and that his mother would call him at 3 in the morning bad mouthing his dad and thought that he should be bad mouthing him as well so, he understood Will's feelings. Reading that upset me for several reasons. I felt it implied I was bad mouthing Will's dad. I don't do that in front of the kids. I may have weak moments in therapy or here or privately with friends but mostly it is others who bad mouth him and I feel bad when I hear that. I know most of what they say is true but then I feel bad for looking like a moron who chose to be with someone like that and for the guy who tried for years to overcome his issues. I also have to try hard to keep in mind a lot of his choices are made while deep in illness. Hate the illness not the person. I also felt like his grandparents feel Will's issues are about the divorce. That he is choosing me over his dad. His grandfather also said he has heard something about money $1000-$2000 but he didn't care about that. Will sure as heck cares. Will and his father's issues are not about divorce or even money. It is about trust. Will doesn't trust his dad. Not to steal from him, not to lie to him, not to keep his word. It is between the two of them, their issues. Also, Sean does nothing to show he cares for Will. He doesn't care enough not to steal from him, lie to him, call him, write him, acknowledge special occasions for Will like holidays, birthdays. Sean tells his parents he loves Will but that I am feeding him lies and keeping them apart. Does Sean tell Will that he loves him? The first thing he said to him in years was to ask for a favor. He takes and takes but doesn't give as a parent should. Now, these thoughts are not something I share with Will. That would be putting his dad in a negative light. Besides, Sean does enough on his own to make himself look bad. This is why I stay out of it. Sean and Will have a long road ahead of them, maybe even therapy, but that is for them to decide. Does it hurt me? Yes. I keep thinking about the day Will was born and Sean cried when I held him the first time to today when he didn't even show up for his firstborns graduation day. No card, nothing. It hurts me deeply and I can't imagine how Sean makes Will feel. It is so difficult not to say anything, not to give advice, not to get in the middle, not to get involved but I have to do that. They have to build their own relationship together without me. The only thing I have told Will is that he might want to remind his dad, even if it's just once a year, of what they have discussed and if his dad was willing to do it. Will said he wouldn't. He said he has set his limit, his boundary and if he crosses it then his dad will know limits are meaningless and try and walk all over him again. It's hard to argue with that logic.
Anyway, his grandfather went on to say how Will had put them in a terrible position. How they love Sean and him. How Will should be a man and open up to his dad. How they knew he loves his dad and that his dad loves him. How as long as Will feels his dad shouldn't be there then they weren't going to come. Well, Will was furious. I could tell because he was silent. I was too. To me it seemed so simple. Yes, I am sure it hurt for Will to ask for them not to tell his dad about his graduation. I don't think though he was asking the wrong thing. He was asking his grandparents to stay out of it. I believe he was right. The same reasons I don't get involved apply to his grandparents. Instead of not coming they should be supportive to Will just as much as Sean. They don't have to agree with either of them do but not to show up for a once in a lifetime event? If Sean wanted to know he should have asked Will himself. Of course Will could have told him as well. Let be devil's advocate here after all. Will, however, has told his father that until he comes to him and acknowledges how and in what ways he has hurt Will and make amends to rebuild trust Will was washing his hands of him. Sean knows this. Will didn't come up with this in a vacuum. He told his dad over and over again. Will waited for 6 months for his dad to do this. Sean did admit he stole Will's money to him and that it was wrong. He also told him he had "intended" to pay him back. Then he ruined all that progress by crying on his knees that he had no idea what he could have possibly done for Will to be so angry with him. How he wasn't going to pay him anything and then he told Kathryn how it was all my idea to take Will's money, that I wanted it for food and how he knew it was wrong and didn't want to do it but since he loved me so much he did it anyway. How parents sometimes have to make hard decisions and that is the reason he doesn't need to pay anything back. Will also is aware that his dad knows exactly how hard Will had to work for that money because Sean tried to do Will's job twice when Will was sick and Sean couldn't do it. Sean got sick both times. Will has told his grandparents all this. They think the money is a "silly" issue to argue over. It isn't but the money is only a catalyst. Even Connor knows to hide his bank card from his dad. His dad is just not responsible with his money or anyone else's. If he needs something he takes it. He is not always that way, only when he is a depressed cycle. Then he knows it is wrong which feeds the depression. We all understand it is the illness but when he is stable he knows he did something wrong. Some people with bipolar don't even remember doing bad things but Sean usually does. If he can lie and make up excuses for it then I know he remembers. He he doesn't remember then he gets angry and denies everything. There are ways to tell. What his grandparents don't seem to realize is that saying they love them both but then not coming is hypocritical. They did choose a side. Sean's. There isn't a side to choose but doing what they did made one. Leaving it for the two of them to work out is what they should have done because they are only alienating Will from them. If they told them they didn't agree with what he was doing but still came that would have been one thing. Will simply wanted his own dad to take responsibility of asking himself. He wanted his dad to "act like a man". I couldn't believe they were asking Will to to that. What about his father the adult to do that? It seems to me like they are blaming Will for the distance between them.
Anyway, they said they would send a card and visit the island sometime. I am not sure I want them here right now. It may be good for the kids but right now I don't feel very accommodating or being the "better person" for the kids sake. This isn't the first time they have done something like this. The first xmas after Sean left we had made arrangements to visit. I would visit then leave the kids so they could see their dad for a bit then pick them up. Just days before, the day before Will's birthday as a matter of fact, Sean turned off our utilities. I had warned the kids that it would happen eventually and to not worry. When it happened I would take care of it. I don't think that they really believed their dad would do that to them however. Will called his dad when the tv was turned off and asked him what happened. This is where things went bad. If Sean had handled the situation well then things would have ok but he was rude, spiteful, nasty,cold and mean to Will over the phone. He basically said he could care less what happens to the kids over here. Will was beyond furious. I had never seen him that angry before. He said when he saw his dad next he was going to punch him in the face. Connor was angry too and didn't want to go. He said if he did he was going to help Will beating up their dad. They were both teens and angry and Sean wasn't exactly stable at that time. He has always been quick to temper and had thrown things at the kids before and shoved Connor around. I knew there needed to be a cooling off period or there could be violence, physical violence. I told his parents that we would come for a visit so they could see them for the holidays but that I didn't think it was a good idea for Sean to be there at that time and explained why. I told them I would bring them by again and in a week or two after tempers had cooled for a visit with their dad. They told me I was no longer invited to stay and that if I didn't drop the kids off and leave then they didn't want the kids to come either. I said I would do that as long as they assured me Sean wouldn't be there since this was going against the kids wishes at the moment and explained again why this was a bad idea. They refused. I told them I wasn't going create a situation both Sean and the kids would regret because it wouldn't matter if his parents were there or not. Sean doesn't care about an audience when he gets physical. So they told us not to come. Later, in court his mother said not coming was my decision and that I had said I would come but "had made up my mind" not to come. That was very hurtful. I understand now that they just couldn't (and still can't)comprehend the dynamics of Sean the kids or believe that they could be violent with each other. Considering their own family background of mental illness, alcoholism, verbal and physical abuse they should know better.
It's all so sad.
;;
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