Friday, April 29, 2011





What a week. Sofie's birthday went well. She had fun helping to make her cake. We had a late dinner so we could include Cade. He got home around 7 pm. We did the cake thing and a few presents before we ate. Around 7:30 I got a fast a furious headache. Not like a migraine. Not like a sinus thing. Not a annoying frontal pain in the butt. Oh no. When I say head, I mean practically my whole head. It was from the bottom of my ear and jaw all the way up to the top of my head. It felt just like the pain I had last October when it turned out to be a bad tooth that needed a root canal. The difference was my teeth felt fine. No swelling. Nothing. Anyway, I took a couple of ibuprofen and hoped that would work. It didn't. I took more half an hour later and by this time I had directed the kids to clean up the table and put the food away. I went to bed, making sure Sofie was changed but within another half hour I was ready to scream. Will warmed a heating pad, I tried cold, I took Tylenol, I tried darkness, then walking. I knew it was a nerve that was really trying to get some attention. Finally after throwing up from the pain I called for help to go to the ER. Since it was already 10 pm I couldn't take a ferry so I had to go by fire boat. Which meant calling 911 and the island ambulance. I was so mortified. In pain no doubt but I would have preferred to just have gotten a simple ride. Anyway, seven EMT's showed up. It was distracting and rather amusing, well, I was as amused as I could be under the circumstances. I was so out of it I was just reciting all the information they needed in a daze before they even asked. One of them laughed and said I would have to be put down as the first responder instead of them. A few went out on the deck and I joked (when speech was possible) that I should have thought of providing snacks and drinks. My blood pressure was high ( for me, I usually run a little low) but I am sure that was in response to the pain. Will stayed with Cade and Sofie. Will and Connor both were up with me which was thoughtful. I asked Will if he was excited to be 18 and the adult in charge. He smiled grimly at me. Connor went to the hospital with me. He was quite excited about the trip so at least one of us had a good time. It was exhausting though. I couldn't sleep from the pain anyway. In the end I was told to wait a few days and see if the pain improves because it was either a nerve thing from teeth (which I doubted) or an infection of the lymph node. Lucky me. Anyway, I was given something for the pain to get on top of it which I was grateful for. It still hurts but I don't have any swelling, which is a good sign and the pain is lessening as the days go by. Nothing some ibuprofen can't take care of. The whole thing does make me very sleepy though. I feel pretty good for a while then I suddenly get very sleepy and the head throbs. Tuesday was a wash since I didn't get home until 6:30 am and I had been awake since 5 am the day before. I slept half the day, woke for a while then went back to sleep. Wednesday I had to go into town for several appointments so I popped in to follow up with my doctor. Will has his surgery to have his wisdom teeth pulled for next month. Connor had a therapy session. It didn't quite go the way he wanted which was fine with me. I like it when other people tell him the same things I do, since who listens to me? Yesterday I did chores in between short 5-10 minute naps. You would think someone had punched me in the head or something. It sure feels like it.

Monday, April 25, 2011






*blink*

Today is Sofie's birthday. I feel strangely older with her turning five than I did with Will turning eighteen. It will be fun watching her open presents but sad as well. Cade won't be here and I doubt she will wait until 7pm because his first tennis practice is today. Also, and this is just me, I feel sad because things are different now. Birthdays and holidays are just not fun for me any more. I have mentioned it before I know and maybe it is some odd form of depression but I have very little joy in them. I like picking presents out but I used to like making them as well. The kids birthdays though are the worst. Maybe it's a woman thing but I always think back on the day they were born. All of those memories are now tainted with Sean. It isn't the same when you are having those memories alone. It's at times like these I want my husband and I want my kids to have their father here to share in these new memories and talk about the old ones. Not the guy out there now who, in my mind, is a father in name only. I imagine I will outgrow it. I don't miss him when I have to take out the trash for example, or when I do all the other things he used to do.


Easter. It was a quiet day. Cade and Sofie came home from April vacation with Sean. Nothing was different. Cade had a melt down because we didn't have any jelly beans. Now, I know it really wasn't about jelly beans but he was crying for half an hour. He said Easter wasn't Easter without jelly beans. I know it was more about having some things be the same. Something to count on when other things fall apart. The stress of the visit. On one hand he didn't have to see or deal with Kathryn or her daughter for five days. I have no doubt they planned it that way. Three of those days he didn't have to see his dad either because he visited his grandparents. He did have to deal with one of his littler cousins (who is five almost six) for those three days. The kid swears like a lumberjack and likes to push everyone's buttons to see how far he can get. Cade said, "His mom needs to take care of him herself!" That would be Sean's sister. Does it run in the family? Well, at least she tries. That dad also bailed and sees the kid even less than Sean sees his kids, which is saying a lot. Also, they had a birthday party for Sofie on Saturday. Cade was rather hurt that when she got her presents they were signed by Sean, Kathryn and the two girls. They deliberately didn't add Cade's name. They didn't involve him in the process of gift giving or help him in any way. He was bawling the whole time he told me this. I made sure that even though he will be late today we will have cake after he gets home and the gifts from him will stay unwrapped until he can be here to see her open them. That might not seem like much but it is the small things that make a difference. They just once again made it clear he wasn't included. Sean sent no holiday tidings to Will and Connor. He did send a candy bar to Connor as an Easter present. I gave it to Connor who looked at it funny. I said, "This is for you from dad for Easter." He took it, glared at it and said nothing.

I'm glad it's warming up a little. Sean didn't send Sofie's coat home. What a pain. What did she think she was going to use for the next two weeks? Thank goodness for layers.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Floundering

Kids are gone so I should be throwing a party or something. Instead I am cleaning. I have been ignoring other things to do it so I know something is going on somewhere in my head but I am not sure what. Am I worried, overwhelmed, upset? I don't know. Usually when I clean I feel a sense of control and accomplishment. Instead, all I am seeing if how much more I have to do. Which makes me feel bad, which then makes me crawl under the covers to do school work. Of course then I feel like I have to much of that to do and stick it out for a while to slip away from that to the next task. Then the circle goes round and round. I should be over at the library today but I am not sure I will make it. It isn't like I have to be there. I need to clean it up and get it ready to open soon but going today isn't vital. I should finish up my assignments instead but I am torn and tired. I'll probably wind up folding laundry. I am having problems with priorities so maybe that's why even though I might work hard, I feel that lack of accomplishment. I like the me who is happy for small achievements. *sigh*


I feel like the kids should be here. I can't imagine how Cade is faring at his father's right now. Sofie will simply cry and fume but Cade....? I think I will shove that from my mind. There is nothing I can do about it in any case right now. *sigh*

I really need a new desktop. I have two but they are both old. I spent a good part of the day yesterday cleaning them up (on the inside) and they were SO slow. Everything I own is old or hanging on by a thread. Since all the kids (and me) use them for school it's pretty vital to keep them running well. I need to get them networked as well but I don't see it happening any time soon. More worries.

I had better eat something. Without the kids around I have less incentive to cook anything. I did yesterday to get stuff out of the fridge so Connor was happy but he's crazy if he thinks I am doing it today. Leftovers. Enjoy.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Transfusion Stat!

I just finished shopping for Sofie's birthday. Even though I am not paying for all of it (Will and Connor gave me money for their purchases) I am still cringing. I also had to get a present for another birthday Sofie is going to AND Easter stuff. I am tapped out. I have to get new sneakers for Cade since his are falling apart and he just joined the tennis club so he kinda needs some. Granted, I made an extra $200 this week cleaning but gads. Plus I still haven't gotten anything for Will's graduation. I have an idea but who knows if it will pan out. I feel like I am bleeding money.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

So, it poured today. Sheets. Thankfully it was clear when I walked Sofie to school. The bag I was carrying felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. I had all my cleaning supplies and the jumper for the car in it. I think I had mentioned before the island car had died. I was walking for a while and I was able to get some gas, jumped it again and it worked. Some might say, oh it was just out of gas stupid. Yet, the jumping problem is a serious issue. Jumping it every time I need to turn it on isn't fun. Anyway, that was Friday. I used it all weekend then *poof* dead again with gas on Monday afternoon. I had Connor pick up the jumper yesterday from the car and I charged it over night in a last ditch attempt to get it to go. I wanted to at least get it in my driveway either by getting it started or having it towed. A serious new car search in underway. I dropped Sofie off and went to a house across the street I was hired to clean. I got her at 11 am and we went back to the house so I could finish it off which wasn't easy since there is no water yet. I did what I could (too bad for the insides of the toilets) since the people are coming tomorrow. They will open the house up and turn the water on later this week. By now it is back to pouring rain. I had totally forgotten I had a PTC meeting and had to give a treasurers report this afternoon so I was trying to hurry. Sofie and I sloshed over to the car (which was still in the school's driveway) and I figured I would try and jump it. I knew I was going to get soaked. I got Sofie in the car so she was at least dry. Then I popped the hood and held it up, since the bar that holds it up is missing with one hand. I was also holding an umbrella in that hand and then I connected the jumper with the other hand. I noticed after all this the jumper had been accidentally left on since 8 am. I was doomed. Being the optimistic person I am I turned the key anyway. IT WORKED. Holy Crap. I disconnected the jumper and prayed it wouldn't stall. Now, the wipers have only worked twice since I have had the car which has been what, 7 months now? I could barely see out the window and Sofie told me to try the wipers. What the heck? THEY WORKED. I tried not to pass out from the shock. Of course the car has no heat so the windows were fogging up but it was a short drive. I have driven in worse shape. Once I got the thing in the driveway though I called for a ride to the meeting. I think I am done messing around with it. I think it is playing with me now. My own little Christine. Better stop now before it eats me.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Sofie woke up yesterday morning and was upset. I asked her if she had a bad dream and she said no. She looked very nervous and told me that the mean witch said to tell right away if she peed the bed. I had no idea what she was talking about having just woken up myself. I am not very lucid and 6:30 am. She just stared at me and nodded. I said that that was probably a good idea then waited. She kept staring. Then it dawned on me. I asked her if she had peed the bed and she cringed like I was going to scream at her. I thanked her for telling me. She had been wearing a pull up so I asked her if she had gotten the sheets and she had. I told her it was just and accident and how proud I was she had gone so long since the last time she had done that. I told her she was getting better all the time. She was very relieved. I found it odd since I never yell at her for something like that. Connor had accidents until he was 8 years old. I had taken him to the doctor and was told his bladder hadn't grown as fast as the rest of him and it happens to a lot of kids and he would catch up eventually, which he did. After dealing with that Sofie wetting the sheets once a month maybe is no big deal. I still have her use pull ups at night just in case (live and learn) but she just sleeps right through it if she does go. That night I was putting the clean sheet and protective pad on her bed and Cade asked if she had wet the bed. I said yes and he told me this weekend Sofie had wet the bed and "the mean witch" and gone ballistic. She yelled for Sofie to come upstairs and lit into her about not telling anyone about the sheets blah, blah, blah. Sofie was crying and scared to death. Sofie has always told me in the past if she wet the bed, sometimes at night but usually in the morning because as I said she just never woke up during the night. Now I know if she went and woke them up they would have a fit but then again if she waits until they wake then she will get yelled at for not waking them up. Lose lose situation. On top of that Sofie got yelled at for leaving the toilet seat up. Kathryn is afraid the baby will drown. I say buy a toilet lock because a four year old is just never going to remember. They are just lazy. They would have to help Sofie with a lock so I guess making her responsible and yelling at her is the easier option.


Speaking of yelling Sofie woke up Cade at 2am on Saturday evening crying because her leg hurt. She gets growing pains and I have brought her in to see the doctor about this several times. Will had it pretty bad when he was little but outgrew it by the time he was 5. Sofie may take a little longer but the gaps in between bouts is getting longer and longer which is a good sign. Still, when she has them she is in real pain. I have to get her pain medicine, warm heat and I have to rub her legs until she calms down which is usually half and hour or so. Cade couldn't get any medicine, had no access to anything warm so he rubbed her leg until she fell asleep. Sean and "the wife" don't help her because they think she is faking. The next day of course Sofie was cranky and tired and so was Cade. How Sean could think she is faking when we went through the same thing with Will is beyond me. Then again, this usually happened at night and he was always at work at that time so maybe he simply forgot. I feel helpless for her.

Also, speaking if yelling, way back when Will went on visits he told me about an incident when they left Sofie unsupervised (she wasn't quite 2 yet) and she dumped a whole bottle of sunscreen on "their" bedroom floor and smeared it into the carpet. Sean found the mess and had an extremely difficult time restraining his anger. I think he did because Will was there and waiting like a hawk for Sean to screw up. Several deep breaths later Sean went to the girls room and beat the crap out of a over sized stuffed bear. He pounded and pounded it. I guess this bear is his anger outlet because Cade said he was woken up at midnight over the weekend because they were fighting..again. He couldn't hear what they were saying exactly but it was enough to wake him from a dead sleep. He must have gotten the tail end of the argument because he heard his dad leave their bedroom and stomp down the hall. Cade peeked out and saw his dad again punch the poor bear repeatedly, mumbling something the whole time. Cade got scared and hopped back in bed before he was noticed. Sean never had to do anything like that when he was here. Is his anger getting worse? Is it the alcohol? Anyway, I am sure all those worries didn't help me yesterday and the car problem just sent me over the edge.

Will leaves for Costa Rica today. He is home right now packing his things and will leave on the noon boat. I let Sofie stay home today to spend time with him since she was crying about missing him. She is helping him pack which helps her with the process. Sofie won't see him again until Easter Sunday. I hope he has a good time but I will miss him.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Not again...

I think I am doomed when it comes to cars. I was able to get the island car running Friday evening and even though I had to jump it every time I turned the car on at least I could get to point B from A. Well, It died again today and now it sits beside the school. Of course to make everything perfect it was during a thunderstorm when it gave up the ghost. I am so done. I don't even know how to move it from there and right now I don't care. I came home and cried. I was at least able to get a ride so Sofie didn't have to walk home in the rain. She had a rain coat at least unlike me. I really needed the car too because I need to bring my heavy three step ladder to one of the houses I am cleaning to get at the windows. I told Connor he needs to chip in with me and Will and get a golf cart or something. He said he would since he has made $300 in the past three days. Who knows how much he can spare though since he is saving up for drivers ed. Will is out of money now since he paid for his trip and his first semester of college as well as incidentals. I have $500 to give the cause but I had wanted that for rent. I need something before summer hits and we will be zooming from one job to the next I just can not walk 20 miles a day plus work on my feet every day all summer. Connor is also working on fixing up three bikes for himself and his brothers. I don't know. I am just feeling tired right now. Tired of life more than anything. Guess I had better get motivated and plan dinner.

Friday, April 8, 2011

No, but I am going to blurb something out anyway. Where to begin? How about a call from Cade's school counselor this week while I was in the middle of a elementary school gym chaperoning Sofie at a health fair? Sound like a fine and calm setting? He told me Cade had come to talk to him. I had a feeling Cade would since he was crying when he got off the boat and very stressed. He mumbled something about how he didn't have his work done and he was going to get yelled at but that really wasn't the problem. He had his work done but he had a lot on his mind. What stuff you ask? Well, Monday was the first time since he went to school on the island he missed a day after being at his dad's house. He talked and talked and talked. Some was venting some was just random things. Talking around the problem. I knew he had gotten into a fight with Kathryn and that she yelled at him but he didn't elaborate. I knew he would tell me eventually. He did on the same day he told the counselor so I was glad I didn't have to ask. Well, she not only yelled but swore and in the end grabbed his waist and shoved him into the side of a door. He has a bruise on his leg. Connor was the one who saw it first and he was hopping mad. The counselor didn't see the bruise since it is high on Cade's leg so nothing was reported this time. She is on the radar. I was also able to remind Cade on Wednesday's a lady he knows well from the island is there as a visiting nurse and he can also talk to her. The fight was stupid. It was just a dumb thing and so small really. She asked him to come upstairs and he said he would in a minute. How many parents of teens and pre-teens hasn't heard that before?He was on the computer and was trying to turn it off first because he didn't want the younger girls to mess with his stuff and because he gets yelled at for leaving anything electronic on. He should have told her what he was doing and maybe the event could have been prevented but he didn't and her reaction was unacceptable. She ran down the stairs and yelled and swore and said how this was her house and her rules and just pressed the button on the computer off. That's really bad for the computer by the way. Anyway, after that she shoved him and hurt him. He was in pain of course and although he didn't technically swear back he came close and said, "I can't believe you did that! You're an ahole!" Well, I talked to him about how to not make a bad situation worse. His response could have made things really bad. Thankfully she just pushed past him and left. She could have slapped him for that or worse. They have to be there for April vacation. I asked Cade if he was going to be ok and he said, "Oh yeah, I am looking forward to my week of hell." I was so sad I didn't even say anything to him about swearing. I mean, what do I do?

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Fighting the Urge

So for the past week I have been trying to watch the Harry Potter movies in order with Sofie. Tough task with how busy it's been lately. It took three days to watch the last one because we watch for only for a little while before bedtime or if Sofie falls asleep, which ever came first. Then I would get online and do some school work. We have a long ways to go. Sofie wanted to do it though and snuggle up with me since I have been gone so much recently with the new job. It's been fun but now I want to reread the whole series again. I just do not have the time but the itch is now there and like the chicken pox it mocks me.


Speaking of being mocked....

I did my first day alone at the post office today. I was worried I would be late which gave me a stomach ache. Stress I suppose. I did fine of course. I was faced with several letters I couldn't deliver and had no idea what to do because it hadn't been covered yet. I called for help and got that straighten out. I am not thrilled making change for people. I am really not familiar with the prices of all the inventory so that also unnerves me but I did well. After I was done I went over to the island store which, until summer, is only open on Saturdays. I loathe to go because while I love the lady that runs it I am not very impressed with her husband who works on Saturdays. I try and not get angry with him but he just says the most condescending things to everyone. Cade worked there for a while but couldn't stand being around the guy who would get angry over the smallest things. Cade has to deal with that enough in his life thank you very much. The guy has never been deliberately unkind to me but I think he just doesn't have a clue. Today for example he was trying to be nice, I think, by congratulating me on the new job but then he ruined it but saying, "It must feel good to finally have a job with real responsibility." It took me a few seconds to process that. Was he insulting me for not having a "real" job before now? It isn't like his wife is working right now. What does he mean by "real responsibility"? What about the library? What if I did a poor job cleaning a house? I doubt I would be rehired again. What if I had a child in my care that was seriously injured? Have I been sitting on my thumbs all this time? I just smiled and said something vague about the government wanting everything in triplicate, bought my eggs, which I now wished I hadn't needed and left. Anyway, I have some more training next week on Monday, Connor has therapy Tuesday, Sofie has a field trip Wednesday and I will be working at the Post Office the whole day on Thursday. My bosses husband had some appointments going on she needs to be there for. I think I will be ready. Friday Sofie has swim and I will have to drop her and Cade off for a visit. Some how I will have to fit in my classes. Who needs free time?

Friday, April 1, 2011

What a Week

It's snowing today. Seriously. Schools canceled. Swim class canceled. I am trying to do some things online before we lose power. We may not of course but with my luck....


Anyway, I did my training Monday and Tuesday in town for my new job. It was nothing out of the ordinary. Boring at times, interesting at times and a long days for sure. The first day I was feeling rather sad. I could really feel it and it was noticeable. I should have been excited since I like doing new things but this wasn't really "new". I was training at the place Sean worked at and dealing with people who knew him and his father. It was embarrassing at times but I got the sense from thew few who asked after Sean they weren't surprised he was still on disability. I don't think they knew about what had happened and I didn't elaborate but I still got a few pity looks. I really didn't know how he was perceived at work but I am getting a bigger idea. I also found out about employee programs I qualify for and I was really upset. One was for counseling and support that I had no idea Sean and all of us were eligible for when he worked there. We spent so much money for counseling and things of that nature that were free through his job. At this point I don't qualify for benefits but if I get made full time I will. That would be nice. Still, with the bad job market I could be let go just as easily. I also have been doing my 24 hrs. of paid training this week. I have to go alone tomorrow even without all my training done. I am nervous because you just can not mess up. Official stamp this and do that in triplicate that. It's like when I worked the polls but this time I will be in charge. Eek. I will be trudging through the snow again this afternoon to practice again. Wish me luck.

I got my taxes back today! I paid off the dentist, credit card AND paid the rent on time. whoo! feels good. Especially since I have money left over and I will be getting a paycheck on the 15th as well as the child support. I still have to fix the island car but things are looking good on that front.

As for Connor.....I am back to square one after his little chat with his dad. *sigh*



;;

Template by:
Free Blog Templates