Today is Sofie's birthday. I feel strangely older with her turning five than I did with Will turning eighteen. It will be fun watching her open presents but sad as well. Cade won't be here and I doubt she will wait until 7pm because his first tennis practice is today. Also, and this is just me, I feel sad because things are different now. Birthdays and holidays are just not fun for me any more. I have mentioned it before I know and maybe it is some odd form of depression but I have very little joy in them. I like picking presents out but I used to like making them as well. The kids birthdays though are the worst. Maybe it's a woman thing but I always think back on the day they were born. All of those memories are now tainted with Sean. It isn't the same when you are having those memories alone. It's at times like these I want my husband and I want my kids to have their father here to share in these new memories and talk about the old ones. Not the guy out there now who, in my mind, is a father in name only. I imagine I will outgrow it. I don't miss him when I have to take out the trash for example, or when I do all the other things he used to do.
Easter. It was a quiet day. Cade and Sofie came home from April vacation with Sean. Nothing was different. Cade had a melt down because we didn't have any jelly beans. Now, I know it really wasn't about jelly beans but he was crying for half an hour. He said Easter wasn't Easter without jelly beans. I know it was more about having some things be the same. Something to count on when other things fall apart. The stress of the visit. On one hand he didn't have to see or deal with Kathryn or her daughter for five days. I have no doubt they planned it that way. Three of those days he didn't have to see his dad either because he visited his grandparents. He did have to deal with one of his littler cousins (who is five almost six) for those three days. The kid swears like a lumberjack and likes to push everyone's buttons to see how far he can get. Cade said, "His mom needs to take care of him herself!" That would be Sean's sister. Does it run in the family? Well, at least she tries. That dad also bailed and sees the kid even less than Sean sees his kids, which is saying a lot. Also, they had a birthday party for Sofie on Saturday. Cade was rather hurt that when she got her presents they were signed by Sean, Kathryn and the two girls. They deliberately didn't add Cade's name. They didn't involve him in the process of gift giving or help him in any way. He was bawling the whole time he told me this. I made sure that even though he will be late today we will have cake after he gets home and the gifts from him will stay unwrapped until he can be here to see her open them. That might not seem like much but it is the small things that make a difference. They just once again made it clear he wasn't included. Sean sent no holiday tidings to Will and Connor. He did send a candy bar to Connor as an Easter present. I gave it to Connor who looked at it funny. I said, "This is for you from dad for Easter." He took it, glared at it and said nothing.
I'm glad it's warming up a little. Sean didn't send Sofie's coat home. What a pain. What did she think she was going to use for the next two weeks? Thank goodness for layers.
Today is Sofie's birthday. I feel strangely older with her turning five than I did with Will turning eighteen. It will be fun watching her open presents but sad as well. Cade won't be here and I doubt she will wait until 7pm because his first tennis practice is today. Also, and this is just me, I feel sad because things are different now. Birthdays and holidays are just not fun for me any more. I have mentioned it before I know and maybe it is some odd form of depression but I have very little joy in them. I like picking presents out but I used to like making them as well. The kids birthdays though are the worst. Maybe it's a woman thing but I always think back on the day they were born. All of those memories are now tainted with Sean. It isn't the same when you are having those memories alone. It's at times like these I want my husband and I want my kids to have their father here to share in these new memories and talk about the old ones. Not the guy out there now who, in my mind, is a father in name only. I imagine I will outgrow it. I don't miss him when I have to take out the trash for example, or when I do all the other things he used to do. 
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