Our Island Family Life

I want to send a big shout out and thank you sprinkled with hug to Carol for her contribution the the legal fund! I can use it for all those incidentals some people don't think about. Certified mail, ferry ticket to court, parking, etc. , who knew just showing up would cost so much? Like lawyer's fee weren't enough. The lawyer is asking for compensation from Sean towards that as well. I am bracing myself for next Wednesday but I am much calmer than I was the first time. I am not even worrying about dressing up. I will wear what I have. I am what I am and it doesn't make any less of a good mother. :)

I can't believe it's been a whole week since I posted anything. I am multitasking again and eating lunch while I write this. I am also putting my feet up because they have been swelling up since Thursday. I have been on my feet way too much lately.

Don't you hate falling into the trap of counting chickens before they hatch? I try not to do that but I do sometimes. I am back an the money worry thing. I did get my check today for the library but it was only half. I asked the treasurer if I could have the whole thing and he said he would have to "ask around". Huh? Every single year he has asked me if I wanted the whole thing in June or broken up. I always asked for it to be broken up because it helps me budget things. This is the first time I have asked for the whole thing. I was pretty upset as you can imagine. Just asking was hard enough. I emailed the president (who knows what's going on) and asked her to tell him to give me the rest if he asked her about it. Now I feel like I am in a bind.

Yesterday afternoon. Sofie asked me where her soul was. Ok. I was not expecting that. I tried to think of a simple explanation for her. This of course led to other topics and she wound up crying because she said she wanted to see her grandpa (my dad), who she never got a chance to meet. It was very sad. I have no idea why she was thinking about these things. We had a very nice day. I shoved my life crap to the side and we went to the library. I did some work while she read some books and watched some videos of Cade on youtube. Then we visited some friends. She played and fell off the swing. She didn't cry once and just got right back on. Then we went to the beach. The water was pretty cold at first so we went to the tidal pools and they were very warm. Eventually the tide came back in and she got right in and got me soaked. I wasn't dressed to the beach. We were only supposed to be looking for sea glass but you know how it goes. We spent three hours there and began walking home. Everyone was smiling at her a waving. One lady even gave her a porcelain doll. She has charisma. We got a ride and she played with the small dog in the car we were in. She was pretty tired. Then we had that conversation. We went to bed early because I brought her in on the morning boat to see Sean. He thanked me for bringing her in when we got there. I think he knew he was a dunce for not setting something up for father's day to to begin with. Sean did call Connor yesterday (an hour before the boat) so he went in after all. Connor is riding back with Sofie this afternoon. Sean I guess doesn't want to be away from "his family on father's day" to bring her back. The toad.

I should have made some phone calls yesterday but I went to work at the library instead. I didn't have to babysit so I took Cade and Sofie with me to work. I set a table up on the library porch and they had lunch there and read and did a puzzle. It was nice. Then they came in and played on the extra computer. One one patron came in so I was able to get a lot of work done. I am making a display for the summer about banned books and Cade is designing the sign to go with it. He is having fun with that. He helped me comb through the stacks for books the library carries that have been banned at one point or another to add to the display. I am going back today for a little while I have some shelving and processing to do. My hours are supposed to be two hours a day but I was there 7 hours yesterday. When we got home the kids played with the hose. It was a hot day. Sofie wore her new (to her) bathing suit. While they did that I spent the next two hours going through papers and stuff. I had to find my taxes for last year, my life insurance, and a few other things. I needed to fill out some forms for court and had to figure out child support stuff. After doing that I realized the math is all different for how much I should be getting. I should be getting $320 a week not $221. If I am really lucky Sean's attempt to get back at me will back fire. The more I look into things the more leverage I think I will have going into any mediation. I would be so happy if I could get $1000 a month for child support again. I could finally catch up on the rent! Still, I am not going to get all excited yet. I still have to focus on retaining the lawyer. I am going to email the library treasurer today and see if he can mail me my check. I also am going to ask the mom I babysit for if her check cleared so I can get some more money from her. Monday I will call the lawyer. Tuesday Cade has therapy and I am going to DHHS to give the the dental papers so they can add that to the collection. I will also ask them about a paper I got in the mail yesterday. They sent it to the clerks office about the court hearing. They said I only got health care from them as assistance and asked for Sean to pay medical. I need to ask them if they should have added food stamps in that and remind them Sean does pay medical for the kids but they have health care as a back up. That covers co-pays from me and eye care which Sean's insurance doesn't cover. Then I quick (or not) trip to the IRS office and see if they have a file for me I can copy about the whole tax mess so Sean can be made to pay for that. I still am waiting to hear about the whole licence issue with Sean. He has 21 days from June 2nd to file for a hearing with DHHS then after 30 days they will take other measures to collect which will include taking any and all licences he may have. On another note. Connor is supposed to visit his dad today and spend the night and come home tomorrow. He told me his dad called him and asked for him to come. I find it ironic Sean called and talked to Connor and never asked to speak to Cade. I reminded Connor of the rules. His dad has to contact me to confirm or he doesn't go. Connor said ok and that he would remind his dad. I still haven't heard anything from Sean and I am smelling a wonderful conflict later today. I did tell Connor though I was bringing Sofie in tomorrow to see dad for father's day and he is welcome to come as well. I am such a witch keeping him from his dad huh? Ok, I have work to do today...more later

So, I could have freaked out but instead I made dinner. Nothing can make you feel better than sitting down to dinner with your family and telling stories and laughing about the day. I had a glass of wine too. I am sure that didn't hurt....:) One glass with dinner and no more. I don't need the headache or the bad example to set before the kids. Dishes are done for the day and so am I.

July 7th. That's my first court date. I am trying not to freak out. I know it's just a preliminary hearing so I shouldn't worry too much. I would feel better if I had the full amount for the lawyer so I could be prepared in time. Twenty days is just not a long away as you might think. Right now I have $2000 and I will have more coming in next week. I will call the lawyer and see if he will take the $2000 so we can get started. I just need some more time to get the rest. Timing is everything isn't it? Stay calm, stay calm....

Cade has been antsy since Saturday about going to therapy this week. He whined, he cried, he begged. I told him he needed to talk this over with his counselor and they could come up with a plan together about what to do. We all got on the morning boat and went grocery shopping. It was only 7:45am and I wanted to pull my hair out. They were grumbling and snipping at each other all morning. I knew they were tired of course so I bit my tongue. I also knew the boys weren't looking forward to going to the dentist that afternoon to get their sealants replaced. Shopping for food seemed to cheer them up. Who knew? I did a few other errands and then it was time for Cade's therapy appointment. Will and Connor stayed in the are to take a nap and Sofie was looking forward to playing the the toys in the office. Cade had his chat and then I went in. The counselor told me Cade told her he really didn't want to come back but she had to pull it out of him. She told me he is so polite she had to remind him he can be open with her and tell her if there is stuff he doesn't like. He did agree to come back because she found he likes playing games more than just talking and while they do that he relaxes and opens up. So we are coming back again next week and then go from there about weekly or every other week visits. She said she feels like Cade is in a holding pattern. What is going to make a change is if he finds out about the whole visitation mess because of his dad's threats him over the phone and now Sean is doing it. She is worried how Cade will react to that and if he will feel guilty. She was surprised and encouraged by his response about how he doesn't feel guilt or that his dad leaving and the divorce are his fault. A lot of kids do. I told her that I repeatedly check in with him about that and remind him (and all of them except for Sofie) about the same issue. The other thing that could change things was if Sean talked with Cade. She said she was surprised he hadn't called Cade already. I told her Sean did the same thing with Will and at this point I didn't even want to try and guess what Sean would do. He might call, he might not. Sean is predictably unpredictable...:)

Got a call today from Cade's counselor. She is keeping me in the loop of her conversations with Sean. She told him about Cade considering calling or emailing him last weekend. Obviously Cade didn't do that but he did think about which is step in the right direction. She said she also didn't think Cade was ready to do it. She also told Sean she would talk to Cade in his next session (which is tomorrow) about having his dad come in next week. I told her about Cade's resistance in wanting to go to counseling lately. Since Saturday he has been saying he doesn't want to go back. I also told her about the fact he has had some recent nightmares about his dad. In one his dad got really angry and was yelling and smashing things and Cade didn't know what had made him so mad. The next one was ok about Sean but the baby didn't exist, Kathryn had left and the girl had died in a volcano because Cade sent her there. He got to be alone with his dad. So you can see how Cade wants to have time with his dad and how much he doesn't want the others around but also he has some fears of his dad as well. She told me she had told Cade she wouldn't push him to do something he didn't want to like having his dad in sessions right away but at the same time she also doesn't want him to avoid stuff either and I agreed. It is such a fine line. She did say that when she spoke with Sean she told him he needs to be the one picking up the phone and calling Cade. As an adult he should be the one trying to make connections and start the healing not Cade. Cade is too little. It is what they try and coach and recommend there. I totally agreed with that. Since the last phone call Cade had with his dad (a call Cade made) Sean hasn't spoken to Cade or tried to contact him in any way. The last time Cade SAW his dad, Sean got angry, demanding and intimidating and then walked out on him. So, things are pretty bad. I have been trying to reassure Cade that his counselor isn't going to force Cade to see his dad or make him do something he isn't ready for. I also told him her job is to help Cade not his dad or me just Cade. Sometimes that means she might push him a little but never too hard or too far, only just enough. She is also there to teach him things to help him get through those uncomfortable moments and to keep him safe. While she is there there is nothing dad will do to hurt him. He is still grumbling about going but hasn't flat out refused or thrown a tantrum. Grumbles are ok. I think when he does finally see his dad it will be in therapy and there will be a lot of grumbling and maybe even a few tears but one step at a time. She talked with Sean yesterday, as of yet he still hasn't tried to make contact with Cade. We'll see if he does. She told me she wasn't going to get in the middle of anything concerning visitations pro or con she was just there for Cade and I told her I wasn't even worrying about that. My only concern was Cade and I didn't want anything like custody or visitations clouding the issues. The plan should be the same as it would be just as if there wasn't anything going on. I am not going to let what Sean is doing now change anything. I got Cade back into therapy before Sean dropped this court stuff on my head and I am not going to push Cade to see his dad more because of his threats. When Cade is ready and when Sean makes an effort it will happen. Only the two of them can determine that.

Will was flipping through some channels the other day after work and landed on the Discovery Health Channel. He loves that station and I think he has seen every episode of Mystery Diagnoses amongst others. He really hates when they have a full day of baby shows. It's quite funny. Anyway, there was a show on the day before yesterday that caught his eye. Bipolar Mysteries. Has anyone else seen it? He recorded it. I haven't seen the whole thing, I might try and watch it tonight. I did see some of it that concerned a bipolar child. It was so sad. Cade was watching it yesterday and that was why I saw that part. Cade said how the kid acted reminded him of his dad's mood swings but the kid was worse. I was reminded of how I once tried touching Sean when he was upset, which I had done hundreds of times before and he flipped out, nearly punching me and swearing. I have to remind myself at times like that how not normal that kind of behavior is. Well, I hope to find some time to watch it. I don't know if it's a series or just a one shot episode. I'll let you know.

Yesterday we had our cookout for our EMT class. A graduation of passing and completing our course. It was held in the house I used to live in when we first moved to the island. Cade was only 2 and we lived there four years and Sofie came home from the hospital there. It was hard being there at first. I haven't been back there since we moved out and it was hard not to cry. Overall though I had a good time once everyone was there. I don't know why but I felt a bit nervous. We told stories and our instructor did the grilling. I am not sure I mentioned it but he is very tall. Like, a mountain tall. He was running to catch the boat and smacked his head on the door and passed out cold. Good thing we were well trained...:) He was fine. When it was all done everyone caught the boat and it was rather sad.

Yesterday was a very long day. Starting with the 6am ferry then a visit with Cade's counselor. It went well. I went in to talk first and we were chatting about Sean coming in to visit the day before. She was just informing him of Cade's return to therapy and that she knew he had been seen there before and why Cade was seeing her and not the guy Cade saw previously (he's on extended vacation). She told him about going through the getting to know you sessions and then asked Sean for his thoughts. She said he was very distant, cold and very guarded. He was cooperative and answered all her questions of course. He wanted to know why he hadn't been told earlier about Cade coming to therapy. I am sure he will try and use that fact I didn't say anything against me. Therapy is a ongoing process and he knows where Cade goes, he is well aware that if Cade is refusing to see him then there is a serious issue that needs to be resolved. She told him she had meant to contact him earlier but hadn't gotten to it yet and it was my prompt that reminded her. He gave his version of the stealing issue and I was a little angry at how one the one hand in his legal statement he uses the "stealing" issue as a main point saying his "certainty" of Cade's stealing and that if Cade lives with him during the week he could combat this, yet to the counselor he stated he can't be sure where the money went. She (the counselor) was saying to Cade this may be an issue where their both may have to agree to disagree. Cade was not very receptive to this but is considering it. I will have to chat with her later about Sean's proclivity to say what he thinks the therapists and counselors want to hear then doing what he wants anyway. Anyway, she asked me about what Sean was like because she was seeing from Cade and even from me how open and warm we are, how easy our relationship is and how extremely different this is from Sean's behavior. So, I went back to the beginning, his childhood with an verbally abusive alcoholic parent, the physical abuse he witnessed, his own anger issues when we were first married and how he resolved this by intimidation, punching walls and smashing things he knew was important to me until his ultimate things with the prostitute and sex lines. How he was just mentally crushed at that time crying and unable to understand why he was doing these things. She just answered, "addictive behavior". I shrugged and told her of the first time he entered therapy and how happy he was about learning to recognize when he was getting angry but in retrospect I believed how Sean quit rather suddenly and would not go back when I asked him to. I think this was because they were beginning to get to the whys of his actions and that was too much for Sean. Also he learned to recognize his anger but just buried it instead and got very passive aggressive. She smiled and said that is exactly what Cade is doing and is what we are trying to work through. Cade came in after that had his chat alone then I came back in and we talked about when we might be bringing Sean in to talk. Not for a few more weeks anyway. We are back to weekly visits though.

I should be thrilled today. I am actually crabby and tired.

I had a nightmare last night and woke up at 3am. Sean was yelling and trying to strangle me and Connor was there crying. Wonderful huh? I got away in his car which in my dream was my old car. The first one I ever got. I drove to the police and worried Sean would be wreaking my house in anger. I have no idea where the other kids were just that they were safe. When I got to the police the one arrested was me, because I stole his car. Life isn't fair even in dreams.

Some good news first before the ugly. I am not always negative...:)

I got a call from a friend going into town today. She is going to meet me when I have to see the sheriff and stay with me. Then she said she doesn't want me to drive so she is going to scoop me up and take me shopping for Cade's graduation present from the school. We are getting him a backpack from L.L.Bean. Something new and bigger and nice and filling it with supplies. I know he will love it. I feel better not being alone and then doing something to take my mind off stuff. I will hopefully have a full bottle of little helpers by then too...lol.

I will try and keep this brief. Sofie was taking her nap yesterday and I turned the ringer off on the phone so she could rest. Will came home and checked the messages. There was a call from the sheriff's office. Just a name and number for me to call back. Connor was the only one not home and I was freaked. I returned the call. He was fine thank goodness. I have to meet with the sheriff after I drop Sofie off this afternoon because Sean is taking me to court. I had to assure Will no one was dead or injured since he was the one who got the message before me. I have to pick up the papers today. I had no idea this was happening and was very upset and shocked last night. So much so I missed my class. I called a friend in the class and she is good friends with the teacher so she told him what was going on. Since I haven't looked at the papers yet I don't know the details of what Sean is after but from what the sheriff told me over the phone from what he saw at a glance this much I know, Sean wants to end child support. I guess he has a page of stuff listing his change of circumstances of why he shouldn't have to pay. He had enough for a lawyer though it seems. He wants to modify the visitation so Cade, Sofie and Connor live with him during the week. Cade would go to a different middle school next year than the one he has already toured, met the teachers, already has friends and where his older brothers. attended. Sofie would be going to elementary school in the city. He also wants me to pay the kids medical bills. I don't know what else. I feel sick and shocked. It seems to be a ploy to get out of child support. At the moment I am not angry. I am still in too much shock for that. Hurt, scared, worried, those are closer to what I am feeling. Will wanted to know what the call was about since no one was dead or dying and knowing Will as well as I do there was no way I could lie about it. I tried to be honest while omitting as much as possible. Frankly there is no way I can hide the fact I have to go to court. So my game plan for the kids is just letting them know that their dad wants to tweak some stuff with our divorce and the first one is just like a rough draft in a writing assignment. Now we are just going to do some editing and it's just a bummer that in order to do so we have to go to court. Just normal legal stuff. Annoying like taxes and getting your car registered but normal. That way they know why I will have to go into town a lot in the next month or more and where I will be but with no details. It's kind of funny in a way where I can tell the boys as a parent I want to know where the are and who they are with so I know they are safe and they use the same argument right back at me. Where are you going to be today mom? Who are you seeing? Have fun and be careful mom. Sweet, but in times like this makes me have to do a honesty tap dance. Will of course knew something was awry but said nothing other than narrowing his eyes at me. He is suspicious. Cade of course wanted to know right away if his not wanting to see his dad had anything to do with it. He still remembers Sean threatening him to take him away. I told him not to worry about it and focus on his graduation. That is was all just details and that I would handle it. Connor came home and I told him zippo. This morning I had to tell him I wouldn't be home until the late boat. He asked why and I told him I had to pick up some paperwork and stuff concerning his dad and apologized if I seemed weepy or anything. He looked at me and said, "Dad taking you to court?"

Up at 5am for the ride in town to make Cade's 8am therapy appointment. As much as I loathe getting up so early I love how easy it is to get around the city at that time of day. I can park at the therapist's office which is usually a nightmare. There are going to be moving to a bigger place soon. I hope it is easy to get to with better parking. The weather said cloudy today, chance of rain in the afternoon and 70. So we dressed cool, brought umbrellas just in case but no raincoats. Try 59 and constant rain. Figures. I am glad I brought extra clothes for Sofie. Cade's counselor said again how impressed she was at his vocabulary about relationships. I guess with his dad's illness he did get thrown into the deep end. She felt he could come every other week instead of weekly. She really wants him to practice not pushing his feelings away and over thinking things. To know what he reacting to. He knows anger quite well but is that from feeling hurt or something else? I see no signs that counseling so far is helping bring Cade any closer to seeing his dad. I do think it is doing him a whole lot of good.

My final was killer. I did ok, I think. We did practice assessments. I did well, teacher was impressed especially since I have been out because of illness (mine and Sofie's) he gave me excused absences (whoot!).

There must be, must be a way to disentangle us from Sean's influence. His times of neediness. His times of thinking he can order us around. Just the other day I mentioned how he invited Connor to a cookout then when Connor got there told him he had to leave because he was an adult party. How cruel. Did he do it thinking Connor wouldn't come anyway? Who knows. It is best not to try and imagine what someone else is thinking. Especially Sean. He thoughts are all over the map and I get whiplash for even trying to understand him sometimes. Today he sends Connor and email. Not to apologize for his behavior but to chastise him about school.