Our Island Family Life

Why such harsh words? Will let me and Connor read the email. Connor didn't even finish it he was so disgusted. I reread it several times just trying to grasp what they were saying. I could tell it was well intended. They are just so far off the mark.

Will had emailed them with the information about his graduation. He had called as well. He had talked with his grandfather who asked who was going to be there and he never once asked if Will's dad (his son) would be there. When Will emailed he told them he would appreciate it if they didn't tell his dad about the information because he didn't want his dad there. It is his day and he didn't want there to be a scene or stress because it would "ruin his graduation". There was no reply and they didn't show up. We didn't know what was going on and he never even got a card. Yesterday, Will checked his email and saw one from his grandfather. In it he had a paragraph telling Will his feelings were his feelings and that he understood them and they weren't wrong. He said how he was an adult when his parents divorced and how it made him feel. He had asked his dad about what happened but his dad had told him it was none of his business which made him angry. Later on he realized his dad did that for him. His dad had an affair and that his mother would call him at 3 in the morning bad mouthing his dad and thought that he should be bad mouthing him as well so, he understood Will's feelings. Reading that upset me for several reasons. I felt it implied I was bad mouthing Will's dad. I don't do that in front of the kids. I may have weak moments in therapy or here or privately with friends but mostly it is others who bad mouth him and I feel bad when I hear that. I know most of what they say is true but then I feel bad for looking like a moron who chose to be with someone like that and for the guy who tried for years to overcome his issues. I also have to try hard to keep in mind a lot of his choices are made while deep in illness. Hate the illness not the person. I also felt like his grandparents feel Will's issues are about the divorce. That he is choosing me over his dad. His grandfather also said he has heard something about money $1000-$2000 but he didn't care about that. Will sure as heck cares. Will and his father's issues are not about divorce or even money. It is about trust. Will doesn't trust his dad. Not to steal from him, not to lie to him, not to keep his word. It is between the two of them, their issues. Also, Sean does nothing to show he cares for Will. He doesn't care enough not to steal from him, lie to him, call him, write him, acknowledge special occasions for Will like holidays, birthdays. Sean tells his parents he loves Will but that I am feeding him lies and keeping them apart. Does Sean tell Will that he loves him? The first thing he said to him in years was to ask for a favor. He takes and takes but doesn't give as a parent should. Now, these thoughts are not something I share with Will. That would be putting his dad in a negative light. Besides, Sean does enough on his own to make himself look bad. This is why I stay out of it. Sean and Will have a long road ahead of them, maybe even therapy, but that is for them to decide. Does it hurt me? Yes. I keep thinking about the day Will was born and Sean cried when I held him the first time to today when he didn't even show up for his firstborns graduation day. No card, nothing. It hurts me deeply and I can't imagine how Sean makes Will feel. It is so difficult not to say anything, not to give advice, not to get in the middle, not to get involved but I have to do that. They have to build their own relationship together without me. The only thing I have told Will is that he might want to remind his dad, even if it's just once a year, of what they have discussed and if his dad was willing to do it. Will said he wouldn't. He said he has set his limit, his boundary and if he crosses it then his dad will know limits are meaningless and try and walk all over him again. It's hard to argue with that logic.

Anyway, his grandfather went on to say how Will had put them in a terrible position. How they love Sean and him. How Will should be a man and open up to his dad. How they knew he loves his dad and that his dad loves him. How as long as Will feels his dad shouldn't be there then they weren't going to come. Well, Will was furious. I could tell because he was silent. I was too. To me it seemed so simple. Yes, I am sure it hurt for Will to ask for them not to tell his dad about his graduation. I don't think though he was asking the wrong thing. He was asking his grandparents to stay out of it. I believe he was right. The same reasons I don't get involved apply to his grandparents. Instead of not coming they should be supportive to Will just as much as Sean. They don't have to agree with either of them do but not to show up for a once in a lifetime event? If Sean wanted to know he should have asked Will himself. Of course Will could have told him as well. Let be devil's advocate here after all. Will, however, has told his father that until he comes to him and acknowledges how and in what ways he has hurt Will and make amends to rebuild trust Will was washing his hands of him. Sean knows this. Will didn't come up with this in a vacuum. He told his dad over and over again. Will waited for 6 months for his dad to do this. Sean did admit he stole Will's money to him and that it was wrong. He also told him he had "intended" to pay him back. Then he ruined all that progress by crying on his knees that he had no idea what he could have possibly done for Will to be so angry with him. How he wasn't going to pay him anything and then he told Kathryn how it was all my idea to take Will's money, that I wanted it for food and how he knew it was wrong and didn't want to do it but since he loved me so much he did it anyway. How parents sometimes have to make hard decisions and that is the reason he doesn't need to pay anything back. Will also is aware that his dad knows exactly how hard Will had to work for that money because Sean tried to do Will's job twice when Will was sick and Sean couldn't do it. Sean got sick both times. Will has told his grandparents all this. They think the money is a "silly" issue to argue over. It isn't but the money is only a catalyst. Even Connor knows to hide his bank card from his dad. His dad is just not responsible with his money or anyone else's. If he needs something he takes it. He is not always that way, only when he is a depressed cycle. Then he knows it is wrong which feeds the depression. We all understand it is the illness but when he is stable he knows he did something wrong. Some people with bipolar don't even remember doing bad things but Sean usually does. If he can lie and make up excuses for it then I know he remembers. He he doesn't remember then he gets angry and denies everything. There are ways to tell. What his grandparents don't seem to realize is that saying they love them both but then not coming is hypocritical. They did choose a side. Sean's. There isn't a side to choose but doing what they did made one. Leaving it for the two of them to work out is what they should have done because they are only alienating Will from them. If they told them they didn't agree with what he was doing but still came that would have been one thing. Will simply wanted his own dad to take responsibility of asking himself. He wanted his dad to "act like a man". I couldn't believe they were asking Will to to that. What about his father the adult to do that? It seems to me like they are blaming Will for the distance between them.

Anyway, they said they would send a card and visit the island sometime. I am not sure I want them here right now. It may be good for the kids but right now I don't feel very accommodating or being the "better person" for the kids sake. This isn't the first time they have done something like this. The first xmas after Sean left we had made arrangements to visit. I would visit then leave the kids so they could see their dad for a bit then pick them up. Just days before, the day before Will's birthday as a matter of fact, Sean turned off our utilities. I had warned the kids that it would happen eventually and to not worry. When it happened I would take care of it. I don't think that they really believed their dad would do that to them however. Will called his dad when the tv was turned off and asked him what happened. This is where things went bad. If Sean had handled the situation well then things would have ok but he was rude, spiteful, nasty,cold and mean to Will over the phone. He basically said he could care less what happens to the kids over here. Will was beyond furious. I had never seen him that angry before. He said when he saw his dad next he was going to punch him in the face. Connor was angry too and didn't want to go. He said if he did he was going to help Will beating up their dad. They were both teens and angry and Sean wasn't exactly stable at that time. He has always been quick to temper and had thrown things at the kids before and shoved Connor around. I knew there needed to be a cooling off period or there could be violence, physical violence. I told his parents that we would come for a visit so they could see them for the holidays but that I didn't think it was a good idea for Sean to be there at that time and explained why. I told them I would bring them by again and in a week or two after tempers had cooled for a visit with their dad. They told me I was no longer invited to stay and that if I didn't drop the kids off and leave then they didn't want the kids to come either. I said I would do that as long as they assured me Sean wouldn't be there since this was going against the kids wishes at the moment and explained again why this was a bad idea. They refused. I told them I wasn't going create a situation both Sean and the kids would regret because it wouldn't matter if his parents were there or not. Sean doesn't care about an audience when he gets physical. So they told us not to come. Later, in court his mother said not coming was my decision and that I had said I would come but "had made up my mind" not to come. That was very hurtful. I understand now that they just couldn't (and still can't)comprehend the dynamics of Sean the kids or believe that they could be violent with each other. Considering their own family background of mental illness, alcoholism, verbal and physical abuse they should know better.

It's all so sad.