I have been doing my best to dodge the weird phone calls from Sean. I answer of course but as soon as I notice something is off with him I try and end things as soon as possible (more so than usual). I have been using email to try and arrange the whole holiday visits schedules. In person he has been agreeable and eager with me but I have been down that road before. He doesn't ask about Cade coming anymore. I can only assume he just figures Cade with come eventually and if not, oh well. Sofie on the other hand the past few months has been getting down right falling into tantrum mode about not wanting to go. It used to be she would cry and complain only to me. I would be stressed and trying to soothe her and by the time Sean would show up to get her she would be fine. Slowly that has changed to where she would seem happy to see him, hug him and turn to me ready to go home. It was like she had an attitude of, "Well, I hugged him, smiled and said hello so now I'm done." Then when she realized she would have to actually go she would cry and whine and say she wanted to go home with me. Sean was finally having to go through what I had have had to deal with from the beginning. Maybe that's a good thing? Maybe she is feeling more comfortable with him? All I know was this Friday was the first time since nearly the beginning of her having to leave that I cried.
We had a field trip this week to Bangor which is about 2 1/2 hours from here. We left on Wednesday to meet up with the other outer island kids and went to the planetarium, had a presentation about the space shuttle and astronauts, went to a rock climbing wall and a challenge course. We spent the nights in cabins by a lake on Wednesday and Thursday and had a Halloween party on Thursday. Even though it was packed with activities it was surprisingly relaxed and the kids had a blast. Sofie was amazing and unafraid scrambling up the rock wall, all harnessed up and repelling down. She got right in there with the older kids and making friends with the two other kindergardeners. On Friday we drove back, she napped and then we had our last swim class. I splurged and got her a happy meal. We talked about her going to Sean's and she was not very happy about it but didn't cry like usual so I made the mistake of thinking things would be at least the same as before or a little better when I dropped her off. She was rested and fed and relaxed from swimming. When she saw Sean some into the bay lines she got up and instead of running to him she ran off before I could stop her and hid behind the benches along the wall where we really couldn't get to her without dragging her by the arm which neither of us wanted to do. I tried talked to Sean calmly telling him about her trip and telling him the usual things he needed to know hoping it would give her time to calm down some. In the end it took us 15 minutes to coax her out. Sean was getting angry and asked me why she was doing this all of a sudden. I told him this wasn't sudden it was only the past few months he was starting to see what I have been telling him about from the beginning. I suppose he just never believed me before. He told me that when he gets her to his house that it's like this stuff never happened. I told him just because she isn't actively crying doesn't mean she isn't still upset. The hardest part for me was when she refused to say good bye to me because she thought if she didn't she wouldn't have to go. So I said good bye instead and she cried and looked at me like I had slapped her. I really felt for the first time I was abandoning her. The look she gave me nearly killed me. Sean had said to me a few minutes before, "Well, aren't you going to say good bye to her?" In a very nasty way as if Sofie's tears were all my fault. This was right after he had been trying to convince her that coming with him would be fun. He had told her he had pizza and that they would go see a movie (which was I'm sure a lie) and wouldn't she like that? Like this? She agreed of course, who wouldn't? Then he said, ok let's go and Sofie said no that she was going with her mommy. I had almost laughed at that because she reminded me of the boys right then. They always got a kick out of Sean trying to bribe them and they saw it for what it was and took what they could but it never once changed their minds about anything and told him so and here she was doing the same thing. Sure I like pizza and the playground and movies. Sure I want to go and eat that and do that...just not with you. This was of course when Sean went from the cruel, here we go again to, nasty. Thankfully he was focused on taking that out on me and how everything was my fault but I didn't care and better me than her. I know I'm not doing anything to turn her against him. When he bails out of visits Sofie doesn't even bat an eye anymore. She shrugs and says he must be busy. Anyway, I said goodbye and could hear her cry and scream for me. It sounded like a kidnapping with her crying how she wanted her mommy. I had a lot of friends there from the island and one of them came up to me and hugged me and I just started to cry right there. She whispered to me that Sofie was walking on her own and everything was ok. I certainly didn't want Sofie to see me upset in anyway and held it together until she couldn't see me. Kids are smart. You can even let them get a sniff of your moods because it affects them. You have to be cold at heart until they are gone. I don't want to influence her in any way. Yesterday, while I was working at the post office everyone who had been there who hadn't spoken to me on the boat that night talked to me about what happened. It was nice to have everyone so concerned for me and Sofie but it was hard because my feelings seemed to be right on the surface. When I wasn't thinking about it I was fine but it would only take a few words and tears were right in my eyes. Small town. I can only hope Sean's odd mood swings stay stable enough to deal with her.
1 comments:
AMY!!!!! Hi my friend! Look at those babies! They are so big! and just adorable! Love and miss you girl! atripp@peakenvironmental.net shoot me an email! or find me on facebook :)
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