Our Island Family Life

On the walk home Cade said, "Well, I'm back from Hell." This was the first time he had gone in a while. He spent Friday and Saturday at his grandparents and Sunday evening with his dad. The grandparents house was full to the brim with people all weekend. Sunday almost everyone went hiking up Mount Washington except the younger kids and the grandparents. Cade wasn't allowed to go, them telling him he was too young which was funny since Sean dragged him along two years ago when he was 10. Anyway, the main issue was the fact Sean accused Cade of stealing again. Cade was more hurt that his grandparents now believe he is a thief than his dad's craziness. Cade broke a rule we had set to prevent this from happening again. I told him he was not ever allowed to bring any of his money with him of any visits ever. Every time he does he is accused of stealing. Cade had been dog sitting and sold some of his game cards to a friend and had $20 on him. He didn't break the rule deliberately. It was stuffed in his pocket and he had forgot about it, which led to a talk about being responsible about his money and keeping it safe but that is a whole other topic. Anyway, he had the $20 with him and on Sunday went out with his grandmother and a few of the cousins to a place that has games. He tried to use his money in a token machine but it was too rumpled to go through so it was spat back out at him. He pocketed the money and sought out a different machine, flattened out his money the best he could and this time was able to get his tokens. That afternoon his dad confronted him and accused him of stealing $60 from his grandfather. Apparently he had his wallet in the basement and now $60 was missing and Sean said Cade was the only one who spent any significant time down there. Cade was in the basement (where they keep their computer) to go online but he wasn't the only one and people go in and out of the house through a door down there all the time. Cade of course denied he took anything and said he only had ever had his $20 he had earned with his summer animal sitting business and card selling. His dad said, "Yeah, right." Then his grandmother told Sean she saw Cade with $40 dollars. What she had seen was him putting a $20 in two different token machines. She was not aware it was the same $20. Cade tried to clear up the misunderstanding but Sean accused Cade of calling his grandmother a liar. Sean then searched Cade's clothes and bag. He found nothing. On Monday he was confronting Cade on the boat for nearly an hour telling him to just admit it, that he stole the money, how could he do such a thing to his oxygen ridden, emphysema troubled grandfather after everything they have done for him and followed him to the bathroom to check and see if Cade had hidden any money to retrieve later. Cade finally had enough and pulled out his pockets, took his shoes and socks off and shook them, dumped his bag out on the table and told his dad out side of a cavity search Sean could look anywhere since he had nothing to hide. Sean then got bitter and said how he supposed Cade wouldn't came back for visits again for months because of this. Cade refused to speak to his dad anymore by then so Sean again got angry and said, "Oh, so you're ignoring me now?" Sean had told Cade how he could help him and if he needed money Sean could give it to him. (snort) Cade took a nap instead. So, I checked my email and phone and Sean had emailed me and left a phone message telling me how much he hated to say this but Cade was stealing "again". This made me angry because he didn't steal any of the other times Sean accused him. Sean then asked me to search Cade's things and confiscate anything I find so he could give it back to his parents. Apparently they also thought out of the whole house full of relatives and strangers that Cade was the culprit. Cade is most upset about that. He is also angry and certain his dad has been telling them he has stolen in past which makes him look like a likely suspect. Sean told me how Cade hadn't come with any money and now claimed to have $20. One, Cade would never tell his dad he had money even if he did in the first place because if he did Sean would devise and way to take it. That was what he has done for years now and one of the big sticking issues the older boys have with him. Two, he had no reason to take his money out before Sunday.

I want to shake my head how all of this could have been avoided if Cade had just left his money at home. There was a reason we decided to have that rule in the first place. I also believe Cade was lax about using his money because his dad wasn't around so he thought it was safe and because he hasn't had any fights of this nature in a while so it wouldn't happen again. That him not showing up for 4 months taught his dad a lesson. Since Sean never apologized the first time Cade should have known better but this is kind of what I had talked about before. You get complacent when things are going well or if you are detached for a while because then when it happens again you keep asking why, why?

Now, I know it's a Sean issue not just a Cade "stealing" issue because he has been harassing Connor recently as well. He called Connor the day before the hike and asked him to come. Connor thanked him and told he would have liked to have come if he had known about it sooner but he already had plans for the day and didn't have a way to be at the mountain by 9:30am. Sean was upset and told Connor how he couldn't believe he would choose a friend over his family. Connor tried really hard not to say something crass to that. It wasn't like he was offered a ride or anything. Connor said he was sorry and thanked him for thinking of him and hung up. Two days later Sean texted him and once again railed at him about not coming and how inconsiderate he was, how selfish Connor was for not visiting his family. He said how disappointed he was in Connor and how Connor had disappointed his family. Connor was upset about it and you could see how depressed it made him. He was saying things like, "Whatever.", but that was all cover. He finally said, "I just don't get it. I don't understand why he does stuff like this." I have to again remind him his dad has a mental illness and not just assume his dad is a jerk and try and be respectful of that. It isn't about Connor and do not believe all the negative things his dad says to him or about him. They are not true. When his dad is acting like that do not engage him. No one comes out a winner in that.

Which leaves me with, what do I do? I feel like it would be a positive to address the stealing issue with Sean because when a future court case comes up....and it will....I can have evidence that I did try and work with him on this issue. I did take what he said seriously. I did discuss it with Cade. I even did search his things. I was upfront about it with him. I explained why it was needed. Cade said he had nothing to hide and to go right ahead. That alone tells me volumes. I turned everything upside down. Nothing. If he had taken $60 and had spent $40 when he was out with his grandmother that would leave $20 to find on him somewhere. Yet, there was nothing. Not even a penny. Sean also asked me if any of us were missing money and I have told him time and time again we never do.

I was considering having a conference call with Sean, Cade and myself. I really want to say, this is the last conversation we are ever going to have on this topic. Explain how I took Sean's concerns seriously and the steps I took to deal with the issue. Deal with provable facts. Money may be missing but there is no proof of how that came to be. Did his dad lose it himself? Misplace it? Someone steal it? Second, why assume Cade did it? Just because he was in that area the longest does not prove he took money they can't prove was taken in the first place. Cade was searched by both of us, body and belongings and neither of us found anything. I can also verify Cade did have money of his own and how he earned it. Other than Sean's belief and opinion how can he say Cade stole anything? Is he basing his opinion on what he considers past behavior? Considering how Cade and Sean both have very differing ideas about that is significant. This issue needs to be looked at in it's own relevance, not connected to anything else. When looked at on it's own merits without bringing in any old baggage, then what to you see? I would like to set the same rule that Cade is not allowed to bring any money but this time let Sean know about it. I didn't tell him before to avoid an argument because the basis for this rule is because of how every time Cade does Sean accused Cade of stealing. I knew it would led to Sean trying to justify himself and that would be a waste of time. This time, lay it out there and say if Cade has money at all on his person when he is at his dad's from this point forward Sean is welcome to confiscate it. Cade was not thrilled with this but I said to him this is the only way. One, Cade will be more diligent about keeping his money at home. If he has money on him at the bay lines and his dad is picking him up he can leave it at the office for me to pick up for him. Cade was ok with that. If Cade has no money that hopefully this won't happen again. Of course Sean could still accuse him of stealing but there is nothing we can do about that. You can only instill so many preventive measures.

Then again, I would like to ignore the whole thing. It would also be nice to tell him off and tell him if he does this to Cade again I have him sued for harassment.

Dreams.

Should I say anything? I don't know what to do anymore. Cade by the way is not going back next weekend. I wonder why?

On another note, things are looking up for Connor to reenrolled in school for the fall. Weekly therapy in place to help him stay in line, pdoc on tap without a wait for any emergency, Connor wants to be there (which is more than half the battle). Let's keep our fingers crossed.