Our Island Family Life

Still, no money in my account. Trying not to get OCD about it. Really though, it can't come soon enough.

I looked up a book on amazon today that has been getting some buzz by the tweens on the boat thinking it might be something to check out for Cade and the library. I haven't been to my account there in ages since I can't afford to buy anything there anyway. I have been there looking up other things before but just not on my own account. Well, I thought to look at the saved to buy later section and I found stuff Sean had saved to buy there. This is my account with my credit card that would be used. I am sure he had forgotten all about it. He has no access to it now anyway. Still, it was a reminder that even though he had his own account that used his own credit card he was saving stuff and buying stuff on mine with me footing the bill. The stuff was saved in 2007, "the summer Sean went ape-shit" as we like to call it over here. I am sure he felt quite liberated to spend as much as he wanted as long as it wasn't his responsibility to pay anything back. I felt so dumb all over again. I wonder how many more unpleasant surprises I am going to find as the years go by? That was one of the things I hated most when he was still here.
Hearing stories from friends about things Sean did with them when I was out of town or something. It wasn't that he did those things. They weren't really bad. It was humiliating to hear from other people who assumed he had told me all this stuff before. I was so ashamed and when I would tell him how it would make me feel he would get angry and defensive about what he did. Trying to tell him it wasn't about what he did it was about him not telling me about it years ago that was hurtful never got though to him. He would just be angry and then I would feel bad. *sigh* I had hoped now that he is gone those days would be over. I am trying not to feel sad this week in general. Lot's of stuff. It certainly doesn't help that the " 1st anniversary" of the divorce is the 9th. One year and he already has the first anniversary of his new marriage coming up next month and a new baby. It's so unreal to me still. It feels so very very wrong.