Thursday, October 22, 2009
Lest we forget what started the need for this blog as my personal stress outlet..:)
Anyway, I had been thinking back on my life before the bipolar and depression and etc. and I wonder if I used up my life allowance of non stress free life. I had all the usual life stresses but in comparison to my life now I was pretty naive to say the least. I am still naive but at least I know I am now. Not as arrogant. Now that I have been able to sleep some with my cold improving I have been dreaming again. I had Sean on my mind yesterday and so he was in my dream last night. I had been thinking about him because I had emailed him about when to pick up the kids today. I usually to that on Thursdays so he knows a day ahead of time. Well, he emailed me back within half an hour. (Isn't he supposed to be at work?) and he wondered if I meant he was picking the kids up on Friday. I guess he was confused and thought I may have meant for him to get them on Thursday. If he had just taken a second to think he would know I usually email him on Thursdays about Friday pick up times. Also since he is part of the school system now he should know there isn't any school days off that would allow him to get the kids on Thursday. How would Cade get to school otherwise? Sean can't just drive him to school. Cade would have to get a 5:10am ferry from town to be able to be on time for school. I have no problem being sympathetic to maybe forgetting what day it is sometimes. Who doesn't? I just get concerned when I see the guy I knew who was on top on everything get confused, forgetful and not thinking things through. I know....KNOW...he isn't taking his meds that were prescribed for these very same memory issues. Heck, I don't even know if they would have worked or not. So, I was thinking about that off and on. I was annoyed at his email when really I shouldn't have been. It was a good thing he was at least asking. I was bugged at myself for not being more understanding. I really need to have more patience. I had very little of it yesterday and I don't know why. Sofie was getting into everything and didn't want to nap and was testing every one's boundaries. I was really losing my mind. I felt great when she did finally nap but when she got up it was the same thing all over again. She really isn't like this so I know it was more than my own nerves. Cade said she was acting like that girl and that made me angry all over again. It is out of my control. It isn't Sofie's fault she is getting two different signals of how to behave when she is with her dad. It is Sean's and mine for not being able to have one set of rules for her to learn. I have tried so many times in phone calls, face to face, email and therapy for us to have a parenting plan for the kids, yet nothing from him. Again, this is where he thinks of the other girl first. How she is raised is up to her mom. They say it's not fair for the her to see Sofie being disciplined a different way. I say why not? Maybe she would learn a thing or two. Like how not to steal. Grrr.. Anyway, I can see this will be an issue for Sofie and a long term struggle. Just what I wanted, another long term problem.
So, back to my dream, it wasn't all that bad. Mostly sad. There was an understanding there between us I miss more than anything. He was resting with me and we didn't really talk. Some people thought we were together but I said he was married. I got some dirty looks but we weren't doing anything but sitting. Then my dream morphed into a really cool scifi thing...which I enjoyed much more...:)
Cade had another bad evening Wednesday. I am glad we are focusing on how to deal with stress and how to tackle tough conversations in therapy. Of course Connor was in the middle of it all. He really didn't do anything but Cade just was snappy. It led to a talk and crying was involved. Cade did real well and even though things weren't really resolved I could see the effort Cade put in. Connor on the other hand really bugged me. I was glad to see he wasn't angry. I was worried to see him say things like he doesn't care if people are hurting him or were mad at him. He is really in denial of his feelings and it's only going to bite him in the butt. Also he has expectations of Cade being able to deal with things the way Connor does. I tried to explain to him Cade is only ten and he is doing an amazing job for his age. I know he gets frustrating and can be hurtful and that is something to work on. Cade doesn't get a free pass for things like name calling or saying shut up. Connor complained that Cade walks away too much. I tried to explain the TWO part thing we are working on in therapy about walking away when you feel like your losing control and then being able to come back to try to talk again. It is hard for adults to do. Cade is only just now beginning to work on the coming back part and he is very stressed about it. Connor just has no empathy at times. If he can't understand it or hasn't experienced it then it's stupid to him. I am not liking that in him. Having empathy for others is vital. I need to get Connor back to therapy.
I never did say how his visit with his dad went. I doubt he will go back anytime soon. His dad didn't take him anywhere or get him anything. Connor had his own money amazingly enough but his dad wouldn't even give him a ride. He also was supposed to help him with his math and he didn't do that either. They didn't talk about any kind of bonding feelings or to even catch up on stuff. They talked about music which is the only thing they have in common and Sean told Connor about how HIS life was going and what HE was doing. Connor said he was a selfish jerk. Oh well. I wanted to say I told you so but wisely kept my mouth SHUT. I didn't ask if he was going to see him again. I didn't ask anything. Then Connor got sick. I wonder how much of it was depression. He did have a fever on Wednesday. The rest of the days he was just shut off. He drank hot tea and took his medicine. It's so hard to tell. He certainly LOOKED miserable. I was sick myself so I wasn't looking as closely as I should have I suppose. I don't think it's too far of a stretch to think his getting "sick" so close after a visit with his dad is coincidence.
I read a story the other day and I thought of the kids and what they are going through with their dad. I cried. Here is a quote:
She loved her father with all of her might; yet she knew that he would continue to hurt her, and she must continue to forgive him.
That isn't any way to live.
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