Our Island Family Life

Talked with Connor's crew teacher yesterday. She has run a lot of interference with all the other teachers and the social worker and we came up with a plan for Connor. Sadly, he has my perfectionist tendencies which although makes him turn in excellent work he hates to turn it in on time if it isn't up to his standards. That is a workable thing. I should also mention Connor is a slow person. This is a Sean trait and a trait of his paternal grandma. Not slow as in dumb but just in everything he does. Fast paced things are just not him. He moves at his own pace like a turtle and nothing makes him deviate from it. He gets everything accomplished but he has his own world speed. So, the faster pace of high school is something he has to learn to adjust to. Transition to. He isn't bothered in the least about it but he has to learn some compromises. We talked things over, Connor included and chose to drop his French course and give him an extra study hall for his work. He will be with his crew teacher who is also his English teacher and Connor thought it was a good idea too. He is happy with the plan. French is an elective and it won't count against him come credit time. He can take it up again if he wants or take a summer course if he chooses. He still has things to make up and he might be able to pick up a class in the third trimester. We'll see. There are a lot of factors to consider. Staying after school is not a option for him at this point. The long day (7pm home time) is just too much for him while it is dark out. He really has issues with sleep, depression and the dark. Having the extra time in school w/a teacher is a great solution. His incompletes are now passes, except for his science. He has conflicts w/that teacher so even though he has turned in all his work it comes down to if the teacher thinks he understands the concepts or not. If not he will have to take that again next year. He doesn't need four years of science though and they have more interesting courses to take. He loved chemistry so he is looking into that. He could also double up on science next year or even take a summer course. He doesn't need to but he could.

Here is the rub...Sean. I agreed to the change in Connor's schedule because it was the recommendation of the the teachers, the principal and it was what Connor was excited about. Connor didn't agree quickly. He thought about it for two days and weighed pros and cons before he agreed. His crew teacher is very impressed at how he thinks things through first. I can hear Sean now flipping out about a change. What's done is done. Connor had problem with attendance due to his sleep/depression issues. Main problem. He is in active therapy at school and with his own therapist (which was at my instigation, phone calls and convincing Connor this was needed) and so far is doing well. This has enabled him to be productive and he is engaged with working with his teachers and me to maintain himself and fix past problems. I still have a sinking feeling Sean will be pissed he wasn't consulted about the change before it happened. Maybe I should have said something. I dunno. Maybe if he hadn't threatened me I would have. He hasn't said anything to me about it since and he hasn't spoken to the teachers again or the social worker. Connor still isn't speaking to his dad and flat out told the teachers he didn't want his dad involved in any conferences or for them to speak to him without Connor's knowledge. I am glad things are improving for Connor. Even if it's just a week at a time. He has done a full week and is rewarding himself with some time with friends in town on Monday. This was a suggestion of the therapist. Some positive reinforcement. Then he is going to refocus on another full week. Isn't that the whole point? No matter how we get there? The fact Connor is getting back on track and is happy? It may not be enough for Sean I'm afraid. I have considered if it would be easier for Connor to get to school if he lived with his dad since he lives in town. This was a very, very hard thing to think about. I talked to Connor about it. He flat out refused. He said his dad was pressuring him to change schools to the one "the wife" teaches at. He didn't want to see her everyday or happen to have her as a teacher. He also said he knew there was no bed for him or room. He would miss all of us too much even if he fights with us sometimes. That place is just not home and never would be. I also had to think about the fact his dad wouldn't be taking him to therapy, wouldn't consider Connor's mental state or notice the signs that come and go. That is a huge factor to me. So we'll see. I am not trying to count a chicken before it's hatched but I don't think it would be smart not to know there is an egg bomb, waiting.

So, day three of the one week plan is still on track. Somewhat. Connor has made the boat two days in row and last Friday. It seems small to be viewing it this way but it really is best to do it one day at a time for now. I can see he is putting a lot of effort into making it to school and his work. That is about all the stress he is able to handle. When he gets home his mood is good but he has to have down time almost right away before he can even begin to think about helping out with chores. As it is he is already starting the, "I'll do it." Then it's too late and time for bed. We can NOT skimp on his sleep. Finding balance is going to be an on going struggle for him I think. I asked him to do three things yesterday, bring the folded laundry basket upstairs, put away the clean dishes and bring the trash barrels back from the road. He only brought the laundry upstairs. One thing is better than none. I am trying to not get upset about it. We need to focus on school right now. Yesterday he talked with his crew teacher and she said she would talk to his science teacher about being more responsive to his questions and to be more clear about any missed work. He gets pretty upset when he asks for the work and his only response is a finger pointing to the wall. He does what is there and feels proud then is told he isn't asking for the work and is behind. Then he gets upset. I don't want him feeling like it isn't worth even bothering about when he is trying and is shot down. He said he told her about his dad and he said he felt better about having her being a middle man for him and being in his corner. I told him I had spoken with the social worker and what she had said. I told him there would be a conference before we made any changes. We may not even need to. When I try and look at it in that perspective then him bailing out of a chore or two is on the lower end of the priority list for me. It's something on the back burner to discuss in a later therapy session. I know from Cade the need for down time is VERY important. Cade for example came back from his dad's this weekend and pretty much ignored us for a few hours and zoned out. His mood wasn't angry or unhappy. He just needed some time to himself. His dad didn't even come back on the boat with him but just sent him alone. At least I had a neighbor go with him on Friday when I couldn't be there. Monday morning though he was all in an uproar. He was banging things around and had a headache and was just on the verge of tears. He was saying he hates school and that I know is not true. He loves his school and teacher. I kept him home and we did all his work online with the help of his teacher who also has been there from the very beginning with this mess and knows Cade had trouble adjusting. Today he is back to himself and bounded out the door. When he found out next week he would have to stay an extra day (because of the holiday) he cried. I hope Sean sends them back on Sunday anyway. Most of the time he is pretty selfish about his time and would send them back but he is unpredictable.

I am working today for the first time in weeks. I really need the money. It would have been nice to know I wasn't needed until 8:30. I wouldn't have gotten up at five thinking I needed to be ready by 6:45 like usual. It's nap time and I am resting my foot. It still aches when I am on it too long. I do not want to go to the doctor though.

Ok, let's start with some good stuff. Connor had his therapy session (finally) yesterday. It went really well. I least I think it did..lol. Anyway, we talked about goals and Connor was asked point blank "what do you want?". He wants to go to school, likes school, likes his teachers (except one), has made friends. So, what is the problem? It is something that also concerns him. Is it his age? The need for extra sleep? He is getting nine hours a night as it is and then cat napping as well during the day. Is it the season and dark hours? Is it slight depression? That is why we are there. All of this in the hopes he will miss fewer days which will help to not burden him with extra work later. Connor is simply fortunate that he is smart enough that he catches up quickly without even putting much effort. I explained all the different strategies Connor and I have tried. Something might work for a while then not anymore so we try again. Consequences for somethings, positive reinforcement in others. All the while he has taken the initiative to see what he needs to make up and does it. The school work isn't the underlying problem so we are focusing on Connor's needs and his sleep issues. I can see another sleep study might be needed. It was nice for me anyway to see the therapist stress some of the same things to Connor I have. Eating a good breakfast, getting to bed early, have a routine, get as much done the night before. We discussed maybe taking a shower in the morning to help wake him up since even when he gets up he is like a zombie and is unresponsive. Showers aren't good though because he is in there forever and doesn't leave in time. I have to shut the furnace off and run the water to get him out. In the end we made a plan and set a date to come back and discuss how it went, plus and minus. I really wanted Connor to know I trust him and that I didn't want to micro manage his life for him. I wanting him to be able to apply himself and take personal responsibility for himself and his actions. I would be his support and guide but I wasn't going to be his alarm and I wasn't going to drag him by the ear down to the boat and get him on it. He is going to be 15 this month. The therapist told him that really the ball is in his court. He has to be the one who wants to do this if it's going to work. He has a goal of one week without a missed day and if he does it he can reward himself. I threw in that he wouldn't have to do dishes (his least favorite chore) and he could chose something else. Soooo.....I was feeling good. Connor was feeling good and excited. I got home and emailed Sean about when to pick up the kids. I told him Sofie had the sniffles and asked if he could get them a little early. The reason I asked was because at the last minute Will needed for me to drive him to the college campus for a 9am test. He needed to take it so he could take a course offered by the college at his school. That meant I had to take Sofie with me in town again on the 6:10am boat and I knew she would be exhausted especially since she started getting a runny nose on Thursday. He emailed me back at 8:30pm saying he couldn't then went on a long rant about Connor and the bottom line in it was that he was going to petition the court to have Connor live with him. Oh. My. God. He said he had a good case since I wasn't honoring the visitation agreement concerning Connor and that Connor isn't calling him. He said I wasn't allowing him to see Sean and that his grades were bad. Well, even though I am concerned about Connor grades I want to be clear and say it isn't like he is failing all his classes or anything. He has stuff to make up in biology and that's it. So, all my good feelings for the day and feeling like we made some real progress went down the tubes. I was just beside myself and fighting off tears. He of course cc'd this to Connor. I didn't respond to the email and after thinking about this all day I'm not going to. If he wants to to it then let him ans we'll go from there. I didn't want to engage him in conflict and after I went to DHHS today I think he might just be doing this out of anger with me. More on that later. So Connor and I had a nice chat about it this morning on the boat ride in. He told me he would again talk with his bio teacher and if that didn't work (he has a problem communicating with her) he would go to the principal and get some help there. He also told me not to worry about dad. He said he didn't like how his dad tried to "overpower me with his attitude". I told him I was ok but Connor said he was glad I was giving him a chance and that he never told his dad he wasn't allowed to see him and that made him angry. I played devil's advocate and reminded him there was one time I told him no and that was on a day when he missed school. I told him if he was too sick to go to school he was too sick to go to his dad's and that if he felt better the next day then if it was ok with his dad then he could go. Connor simply chose not to go the next day even though he felt fine. Connor remembered. I told him it was possible he had told his dad he wasn't allowed (he had been on the phone with him at the time I said no) but didn't mention the circumstances (sick, next day ok) to him. If he did that then it was entirely possible his dad blew it out of proportion which he does a lot. That wasn't Connor's fault of course and he had no control of how other people perceive things but knowing his dad and his illness it should be considered and to not get too angry with him. His dad wasn't calling Connor a liar outright and I was used to his dad thinking I was trying to keep all of them away from him. I told him that we all know that isn't the case and I couldn't control his dad's feelings about it. Connor shouldn't either. I told him all he needed to do was focus on his school work and what we discussed in therapy. I told him he did well that morning and he was one step closer to his one week goal. Tonight Connor told me he spoke with his math teacher and told him if he had an issue with him and his work to bring it to him and not to discuss it with his father. He told him what was going on and that it was stress he didn't need. His teacher told him he would make some time next week and they could really sit down and have a talk. Connor felt good about that. He said his bio teacher said she was busy. I told him to not bother with her anymore and go straight to the principal. If he has to take bio next year w/a different teacher than fine. There are always options, the hard part is finding them. He was proud of himself for trying and I was glad he was feeling good. On a side note of good? things Connor has a girl calling him today. She has called three times and he said there are four other girls who like him right now. He seemed very embarrassed, yet pleased.

I never did say how craft day went did I? Well, it was fun. Sofie was great, behaved and did all the crafts. She made a necklace and threaded the beads all by herself. It was a craft of one the teachers did and she was impressed at Sofie's hand eye coordination. The boy I babysit was there. It is so interesting to see how different he is when he isn't here. When he is here is listens, shares, takes a nap without a fuss and is rather quiet. I mean he is loud in the sense he is always making noise. Car noises and humming or taking but not yelling or screaming, that kind of thing. Well, he was running and loud and trying to touch everything. He tried to take other peoples crafts. His dad was working on a car craft (his mom was working) so I got up and took the crafts he took back from him and put them back on the table. He was not pleased but when he saw it was me taking them he tried to run away. I picked him up and got him working on another craft. I had to redirect him quite a few times and he tried to wiggle away a few times. Ack. So, when he was running and crazy Sofie wanted to do it too. I made her sit. I'm just glad she didn't get too upset since it was her nap time. Otherwise, a good time was had by all.

Sometimes I can't believe there was actually a time in my life where I could wake up, enjoy my morning and have a whole day, whole days when things were normal. Little to no stress at all. Things I had heard other people complain about like crying babies or what to make for dinner and helping the kids get homework done never phased me at all. I would get bored with it from time to time but I was very rarely stressed.

Last night was our island christmas party. I was only stressed a few times during the day. Cade lost his dress socks. I had bought two brand new pair of dress socks and he only had one sock. Not even a single pair. I did manage to find another one but the other pair is probably in Narnia or something. It is really windy and cold and my car is a lost cause so we were getting a ride. Connor chose to shower as we were getting ready to go. I left him behind. He had to walk. I had to be there half an hour before the dinner started to help out. Over all things were great. We had company. We all got to sit together. There was little stress getting the meal out. We had done salads earlier in the day and had fun with all the other island ladies. Joking was nice.

Yesterday afternoon was a bit crazy. I brought Sofie to the practice which was a mistake because now her cough is worse. Sean did tell me to keep the kids. I wasn't surprised. I made sure it was his choice though. I asked him to send some juice and medicine. He did but we didn't get it until 7pm. Better late than never I suppose. I think he is going to let them stay next weekend too. I wonder if this is because he is thinking of the kids welfare and community ties or just because it's the beginning of not having them come over anymore. I dunno and I don't have the thought capacity to think about it.

Spent a good portion of the day yesterday visiting Sean's parents so the kids could visit for the holiday. It was interesting. I am too tired, perhaps emotionally drained to include everything that went on. Everyone was happy to see us. Me included which was nice. I was a bit nervous that Sean might show up at any second since the whole family was there except one brother and his family because they live in Colorado. All his sisters, his other brother and the other two grand kids were there. Yet knowing everyone was there Sean didn't come. I learned that there have been weekends when Cade wasn't with Sean but Sofie was that Sean had brought Sofie to either his parents or had one of his sisters bring her to another sisters house. Sofie hadn't said anything to me so I never knew. Why bother taking her at all? Will had mentioned the thing I had posted about my friend and her husbands marriage announcement and that got a lot of responses. I really had to bite my tongue and not say anything. Things were said like how disgusting it was and how if you get out of a long term relationship you should wait at least a year to take care of yourself and your own issues before plunging into another relationship. My mind was screaming, what about Sean? He sure has heck didn't wait a year. Not even one flippin' day. One of his sisters slid her eyes my way and smirked. She was thinking the same thing. Then of course when the kids were all occupied some questions were asked of me about how the kids were doing with their dad and everything. It was tough and I had tears in my eyes quite a few times. I never cried but I would have this really quick sick feeling in the pit of my tummy and bam...instant tears. There was no time for making a conscious choice to not cry. Both of his parents are really upset with him but I can really see the difference in how they are dealing with it. His mom is hoping he will eventually wake up. His dad on the other hand sees if he does it will be years and years before it happens and by then the damage might be too great for repair. They even got into a little argument which I squashed. His mom had said how busy Sean was. He is manic. No doubt. I can't tell them that of course since even though they hate what he is doing they can't cross that line into understanding the mental illness part. I guess he is working his ed tech job. Doing part time work as a coach. Going to school. Going to the gym. Playing in his soccer league and about half a dozen other obligations. He isn't sleeping much. One of his sisters lives with him 5 days a week and is getting an eye opener on his actions. Since in our society mania can be overlooked and even valued until you see the big picture it's really hard to tell some people how off he is. Anyway, his dad just got angry and said his busy life wasn't an excuse. He said, "Are you even listening to Amy? Sean has to make the time to be with his kids. It's so simple. It's like she said if I saw my kids only a few days a month then I would plan my life around those times so I could be with them. They need their father." She agreed and said she didn't mean to imply (but maybe she did) that Sean being busy should be an excuse. She just meant she hoped that when things settled some he would be able to see what he was doing more clearly. I said she had said the same thing about when he finished his two year program. I told them there will always be another reason and another excuse for him. He makes himself busy to not face the reality of his life. The fact of the matter is that right now he has his own life and we have ours and our kids are not a part of his new life. His dad was very sad you could see. He is very proud of the kids and how amazing and grown up they are despite everything. He was sad that Sean was just missing everything. His mom then said she agreed with me and said that the few times they have been to visit him when the kids (Cade and Sofie) were there she could see that. She could see Cade struggling and that they treated Sofie well as far as she could see but Cade was treated more like a tolerated guest and not family. His dad said he was not pleased to see how Kathryn treated Sofie. He said the kids would fight as kids do but instead of talking to them both about their actions she would track Sofie down and make her apologize to her daughter every time while her own child never was scolded at all. He said he would be thinking "what are you doing?" Then his mom said that she saw Sean being very harsh with the girl. I told her I felt that was because he didn't really like her. Sean says he wants them to be a integrated family but then tells Cade that the girl is stupid and an idiot. How is that fostering a healthy family? They both shook their heads. I told them I used to talk to Sean about the abuse the girl was doing to Sofie but when ever I say anything any more it makes things worse for the kids so I stopped. So until the day Sofie comes home with broken bones there is little I can do. I said I did hear the girl was in therapy. They said she is and then his dad said it was obvious that girl needed it. I said it was a shame any of the kids were in therapy. The sole reason for it was because of selfish adult actions. They asked me how I was doing it. Keeping everything going and keeping the kids stable. I said therapy was one thing. I told them Sean was now too busy to come and as a result our sessions ended and he no longer comes to Cade's. I told them what we were working on in sessions. His mom asked if Will and Sean could meet in a session to break the ice for them and I told her the offer was made a long time ago and Sean "didn't have the time". Also Sean spoke with Will's counselor and got angry and never talked to her again. So, Will has made offers, visited with him for 6 months, gave him three chances and told him what Will needs to move forward. Sean hasn't taken Will up on anything. Will has set limits and boundaries and what he needs and that is not him being stubborn it's being honest. If anything he has been more than open when he was at his angriest. Now he is simply resigned and has accepted his fathers current limitations. It takes two people to move forward in a relationship and if Sean wants this he has to do something. His mom said Will has a right to have a father and Will should fight for it. I said I agreed and that Will has. I said Sean has a right to have his son and he should fight for it as well but does he? Has he? The bottom line is that there has been a severe breach of trust between them and the only way for it have a chance to be repaired is for Sean to show consistency and stability in his actions and not with words and empty promises with Will. Sean's dad agreed completely. He said one big thing he had dealt with in his own therapy is when he was told that the harder he fought to not be like his dad the more like him he became. He said when he looks at Sean he sees himself. He knows Sean isn't even close to doing what he needs to do for himself or the kids. He sees him just talking the talk but it is hollow and he lies to himself. He said he has tried to talk with him but Sean evades him. He said when he was told that in therapy he didn't understand it at all. It took a long time for him to understand and to stop blaming others for his mistakes and his unhappiness. He sees Sean blaming others. His mom said she did too. He is still blaming his dad and now me. They said how much of a shame it was he was doing this to me. I shrugged. There is nothing I can do about it. It is a shame. It sucks. I have empathy for him. It's sad but the longer he is away from us the more it is an empathy for anyone who is ruining their lives and not for someone I love. I told them I let the kids cry and vent and tell them I love them but sometimes that makes it worse. To see how one parent loves them and struggles and protects them and they can't help but compare even when I don't say anything. I told them we are still trying to find a new normal. His mom said how it's been a while. I told her not really. I have only been divorced a year. The time we were separated I had hope. Not to mention it is a full time job dealing with issues that should be resolved. I have to deal with child support issues. She asked what I meant. I said I have to deal with DHHS to collect child support because Sean isn't consistent (I tried to be tactful) I also have upcoming court issues that deal with contempt and taxes and it is a lot of stress. I said basically that again the bottom line is I do everything for the kids. I am alone. Sean does nothing to support them in any capacity. Even with the child support I don't feel he should get credit for that because I am the one doing all the work to make sure it's even paid. It isn't child support it is money I earned for them. As for emotional support, that's obvious. He does nothing for them school wise, no talks about religion, nothing, nada, zip. It's scary knowing that how your kids turn out is because of you. I think I am doing ok. I could be like Sean though and just blame all their faults on him right....ha.

Ok, the school guidance counselor came out to the island today. It's been a while since she has been here. She came to the house and we had some one on one time (which was really great for me) and I was able to catch her up on how Cade was doing. She brought us a food card as a Thanksgiving treat which was really nice. She was really impressed at my commitment at keeping the kids in therapy even with the extra effort of having to bring them in town. Not easy I can tell you.

I am concerned about Cade. He was very upset last night. He cried for an hour and a half and in the end came away with a huge headache. He woke up with it this morning and is home now. I think he will be fine for school this afternoon. He was ok when he came home from the visit but Sean brought them home late and it was only an hour before bed time. Sean hadn't fed them and I didn't know until it was 1o minutes before bed. I am so stupid sometimes to assume he would take care of them properly. Connor hadn't eaten either but not because there wasn't food or anything. He was just being a teen. I told him he HAD to be in bed by 8pm and he HAD to eat. I am such and awful mom aren't I? I let Will stay up until 9pm if he wants but since Connor missed the boat twice for sleeping too late he has the 8pm rule. He was ok with that but he put off eating until 1o minutes before bed just like Cade. I told him he could warm up leftovers, have a bowl of cereal or make a sandwich. He was all attitude. I wasn't very happy. He just kept pushing and wouldn't stop opening his mouth to have the last word. I finally told him he needed to simply eat and go to bed in silence. Connor said, "oh I can't have feelings? I can't get angry?" He was shaking and looked furious and had tears running from his eyes. I said he was entitled to feel anything he wanted to feel. I wasn't however going to be the verbal punching bag for those feelings. It is disrespectful and rude and I simply am not allowing anyone to treat me that way. Not a stranger and not from family. I said I was well aware he was trying to push my buttons even if HE wasn't and it would be best if he stopped talking if he had nothing nice to say. I told him I needed to leave the room because I was so angry it was the best thing for both of us. He was quiet after that. Cade of course was right under foot for that and was making a sandwich. He had wanted a bowl of cheese balls and I had said no. It was almost bedtime and it was an obvious no. He got mad at me and yelled and said he was hungry. That was how I found out he hadn't had dinner. I had fed Sofie earlier because she had said she was hungry and Cade was upstairs when I fed her. It didn't occur to me to ask him (duh me) if she was hungry from not having dinner because she always comes home hungry. So, anyway, I told Cade the same thing I told Connor and he chose to make a sandwich since it was too late to cook something before bedtime. He ate then went to the bathroom. He was in there for a while. Connor had gone to bed. Will had fallen asleep on the couch so I left him there. He was all cozy and I didn't want to wake him. Sofie was in the spare bed in my room quietly watching a movie. It was now 10 past 8pm. I had gotten myself together and checked on Cade. He was crying. I had him come out and got a box of tissues and had him snuggle with me. I asked him if he could tell me what was wrong. During the thing with Connor I had said something that made Cade sad. I had said to Connor that all I wanted for him was to be healthy. To have food in his stomach and to be well rested for school. I know that seemed kind of stupid to him but that was my job and if he was mad at me for it then so be it. I didn't like it and it hurt but I loved him and wanted him to be ok. Cade said it made him sad because I was willing to be hurt and put Connor first. He said he knew I loved them. I wasn't sure why that was such a sad thing but didn't say anything. Then he got real mad and said how he had a horrible weekend. How he felt that his dad had cut Will and Connor out of his life. He never talks about them, mentions them, never tells other adults they even exist when he is asked about his kids. Some adults Sean has as friends now don't even know about Will and Connor. Cade said when he got there this weekend they had finally moved the bunk beds from his room, which were supposed to be for him and his brothers, and put them in the girls room. They took out the bed Sofie used and now she shares the bunk bed with the girl. The baby is in there as well in a crib. Cade got the girls old bed but his aunt is the one who uses it. She is there during the week to babysit the baby. No daycare for them. All of his aunts things are in his room. His stuff was moved and shoved into one corner. He said he felt like they are just getting ready to kick him out completely. He has no real space of his own. He tried to talk with his dad a few times this weekend but Sean either left the house or went to the bathroom. Every time his dad left the woman said really mean things to him. Cade was upset about the attention the girl was getting this weekend. It was her birthday and he was fine with that. She got two parties. One on Friday with "family" and one on Sunday with her friends. His cousin never showed up so he was alone. She got 8 presents. One for each year. It was a tradition I guess. Cade said how next year he should get 11 then. Kathryn said no because he wouldn't be there anyway. I have no idea if he will be or not. I didn't check the calendar. His dad was right there the whole time. Cade said to them he only got 2 presents this year. He should have gotten 10 right? She told him he didn't get them because he chose not to be there. He skipped out on that weekend. Cade was furious. He said he didn't. I had to think back and I remembered that his birthday was on a Friday that he had a weekend at home with me. We went to see my mom. He didn't skip out or call to stay with me. It was just the regular schedule. Then the following weekend he was there and I ran into Sean and the kids (OUR kids) at the store that Friday and Sean got a cake for him. Cade had been worried his dad would have forgotten his birthday altogether and thought he wasn't going to get anything from him. He was happy his dad got him the two gifts and the cake. Then he saw what she was getting. The parties and all the gifts. Kathryn told him he should just deal with it since he is ten. How stupid can they be? It's not about the amount of gifts at all. Cade cried and said how his dad loves Kathryn and the girl more than him and he is his own son. His dad said he would put him first but never sticks up for him. Always believes Kathryn over him. Lets her say mean things to him and lies to his face. How every single action his dad does just proves it over and over again and how his dads words mean nothing to him anymore. He said he felt half cut out of his dad's life already. I asked him if he thought going to see his dad more often would help? He said no. He said he felt like he had hardly any family on his dad's side anymore. He said his uncle and cousin and one aunt were all he had that talked to him and understood how he felt. The others are nice to Kathryn and believe her lies and phony surface. He said he couldn't believe he was going to say this but that his dad might be too good for her. Then after a pause he said maybe his dad was getting exactly what he deserved. Whoa. I just didn't know what to say. I was kinda numb through most of it. I was really furious for some of it. I thought about wanting to call Sean and ask to sit with him face to face and talk about this. Talk with Sean's parents and ask them to be more understanding. In the end I'm not going to. I might talk with them casually in the future but I don't think it will do any good. They want to please everyone and you just can't do that. As for Sean, well, if I say anything it will make things worse. He will just do the opposite out of spite. Also, as hard as it is, Sean and Cade have to be the ones who talk to each other about this. This is their relationship for better or worse. As much as I want to be a peacemaker, as much as I want Cade to stop hurting, as much as Sean might benefit from my insight into our sons feelings it means nothing if Sean doesn't do this himself. Cade asked if he could stop going there when he was 12. I said that it was an option but he shouldn't worry about that right now. He should should just focus on the now and trying to make the best of what is sometimes a bad situation. Cade said he would but he really wanted to know if he had an out, if he didn't then he would feel really depressed. That worried me. I don't want him feeling depressed because of his dad. Cade was saying how his life sucked and how his friends all have great lives and get to go places and he never can do anything anymore because of his dad. I told him I loved him and he cried and said he knew that. Right now Cade is quiet and and playing a game. He is pretty subdued even when he seems happy. He is off but that could just be his headache. I am glad Cade has therapy this week. Not that Sean goes anymore. I better make lunch now.

Ok, so yesterday should have been a real honest to goodness full day off. Did it happen? I got a call about getting a new client for cleaning in the morning. I agreed. I need the money. Then I felt overwhelmed all of a sudden. Like a huge heavy weight. I didn't want to leave the house. I wasn't feeling resentful of not having my day. I mean I was doing chores anyway. I just can't explain it. It wasn't good though. I started thinking, oh crap, now I am going to be the mental case and be a shut in. Sofie and Cade went for a walk and to go visit next door to play. Will went in town to hang with a friend and Connor was working. Things were quiet and calm. My car was "fixed" again yesterday and turns over now. I had to go outside and talk with George about it. My insides were screaming the whole time to get back inside and for him to just leave even though he was being very kind. Sofie and Cade came home after a few hours and half way through Sofie's nap she woke up with growing pains. Of course it was just when I was about to leave to go meet up with the guy to do a walk through on his place. Crud. I had to call him and see if we could meet later. He was cool about it and said his neighbor who just happens to be the mom I babysit for could do the walk through with me instead since he was leaving on the next boat. I felt super duper. I thanked the evil kiddy pain gods for inadvertently helping me out. I am sure fate was displeased. Then I realized I had started my period and that was why I felt like crap and was acting all sketchy person down the block. I was so happy not to be needing to look up pdocs for myself. I'm just your average crazy woman. Today is back to normal routine. Babysitting and getting caught up on paperwork and other things I put off this weekend. I have to go into town Thursday for conferences for Will and Connor so I am going to try and chill as much as possible and just let it ride..:)

Lest we forget what started the need for this blog as my personal stress outlet..:)

I really tried but I got sick anyway. Night before last my throat was sore. I was so tired I dropped into a dead sleep real early but I had to get up early for the boat yesterday. I imagine if I could have stayed home I wouldn't feel so bad now. I really should be in bed now but it's Sofie's nap time and I put her in my room where I can shut the door. It's the weekend and everyone is here so I wanted her to have some quiet. Plus, I can sit still without having to get up for her anyway. Connor and Cade cleaned up for me today. I was thankful. Will is working. I had to go into town yesterday for Cade's therapy session. It went well. I would have skipped out on swim otherwise. Since we were already in town though we did the whole enchilada. I went grocery shopping and we went to swim. I did other errands. We had to walk to the boat in the morning since the car is still out of commission but we got a ride home. Sofie was really tired. I figured I would check my mail and stuff before settling down on the couch for a while. I have a fever so I need a nap. I got an email from Sean. He finally emailed me to ask if Connor could come over tomorrow. He might be getting it. I really am not in the mood to deal with him today. I was a little miffed he implied that he hadn't seen Connor in a long time even though Connor had told him he has wanted to see him like that was MY fault. They have both set up stuff and both bailed and Sean has set up stuff in his own mind that would have never happened anyway. That is also part of the reason why I have been a stick up your butt firm witch about any plans going through me now. So he asked, I told Connor, Connor said he would go, I emailed Sean confirming the plan and said if ANYTHING should change ie, Connor changes his mind or misses the boat etc. that we would contact him right away. That's the best I can do. So we'll see how it goes. Gotta go and rest now.

Seems simple enough. Really though, the art of stepping back and thinking things through isn't all that easy. I still don't know if I should call Sean about the hair thing. Really I doubt it would achieve anything. It would probably piss him off and then it would something like, "I am her FATHER I can cut her hair if I want to. It's my RIGHT." even though he really could care less and it not even him who wants to do it. Let sleeping dogs lie I suppose. I have also been thinking about calling Cade's therapist. He was just so defeated yesterday. This morning he was sounding very sad about Halloween. He said he didn't even want to think about it. I asked him why and he said he doesn't want to tell his dad he wants to be on the island with his friends because he doesn't want his dad making him feel bad again. I asked him again that if he wasn't worried about how his dad was going to react what would he do? Where would he want to be? He said here because he gets a huge load of candy but also we have company coming for the weekend and he has some summer friends who are going to be out here for the holiday. He tries to keep in touch with them online but he's 10....it tough at that age. He doesn't want to miss out on any opportunity to hang with them. I doubt I would see him much myself even if he does stay..:) He says his dad is talking about Halloween and Cade just leaves the room. He is just overwhelmed and scared. I told him we should talk about this with his therapist on Friday and see if we can come up with another solution when it comes to having these tough conversations with his dad. Third party maybe? Does he want me there too? Would that be too uncomfortable? Does he want me to ask? What can I do, we do to ease this stress. God knows Sean isn't going to help. He hasn't even asked to come into any of Cade's therapy sessions since his started working again. Going on three months now. I asked him if he could take time off one day a month or during a lunch break or something. Never got a response. I have to think of what I can schedule that doesn't have Cade missing a lot of school. While he is having swim he is going in Friday morning. He has a half day on Fridays anyway in the afternoon. We go into town for swim lessons in the fall and spring. We can't do a session after swim because the kids meet with Sean for the weekend and by then it's too late in the day. Once swim is over then we can switch to the afternoons during what would be swim time. Maybe Sean will come then. Maybe if the therapist tells Sean he HAS to come to resolve this he might come. I should call the therapist first though before we get there so we have a topic ready to go. I worry about Cade getting depressed about everything. You would think after time he would be getting more adjusted but he really isn't. He is adjusted here at home to not having his dad around and stuff like that. The hard part is leaving here where he feels safe and listened to, to going there and getting either ignored or yelled at. Sometimes both at the same time. Yelled at by Kathryn and ignored by his dad. I have to go with my gut, I feel like something is off with him. *sigh*

With all this drama going on my head isn't where it should be. I had been thinking about Cade's winter coat and how I would be able to afford a new one. His old one needs it's zipper replaced and that's beyond my skill level. I thought I could take it to a dry cleaner or something. I heard they might fix it. I never use one so I was dreading finding a place. It would be cheaper than a new coat. Then yesterday I was finally dragging out the winter hats, boots and things and I sat down feeling like a dumb ass. I didn't need to be worrying about this at all. I had Connor's old winter coat he could use. I saved it just for this reason. It doesn't fit Connor anymore he out grew it. I felt like a real mental midget right then. Connor needs a new coat but he refuses to even consider it. He just wears layers upon layers of stuff. He is certainly warm enough so I am not going to sweat it. If he wants to look like the Michellan man so be it.

I got a call today for fuel assistance. They are booked into December and January. I am getting a full tank from the memorial fund this year so that should keep me going until the appointment. I still haven't turned the heat on yet. It's been getting cold at night but we are under the covers anyway. Will is worried about his plants. We move them at night to a smaller room and I turn in the space heater for a bit to warm the room up. I turn it off before bed. It keeps them warm for the night.

Still no money. I have to call DHHS this afternoon. I was too busy yesterday. I need a nap. I have the sniffles. I am fighting it off though. I'm not going to get sick!