Our Island Family Life

I called the school social worker last week about Connor and I finally got a call back today. She is a new one so I had to fill her in on stuff. Pretty much everything so she had some background on Connor. The old one that had been there for Will was real nice but this one seems good too. I had to let her know about Connor going back to therapy and other things. I find it interesting how sometimes I forget and doubt myself on if I am doing a good job or not as a mom. I was telling her about Sean and what we went through in 07 and his meds and stuff. The divorce and how the kids therapy went. I told her about Connor's suicidal comments and my struggle to get him his pdoc evaluation. She asked about where the kids lived and all that jazz. She told me how I did the right thing in getting him help and I was a good mom to recognize the problem and the fact there is an issue going on with him again now. She said she spoke with him and that he was well spoken and she was impressed that at his age he knew there was a problem too even if he didn't know what it was. She asked me if I was ok and how I was coping with all these issues. Just speaking with someone new and going over how much Sean was involved in Connor's life I was able to see that even though Sean has "been involved" with Connor and school recently it's been what, two emails and one phone call in two months in all the time he has been gone from our lives? She said Connor has been telling her the same thing and that his dad making threats is very stressful. What makes me doubt myself is Sean. Every single thing he says and does makes me second guess what I do and all my decisions. I hate that. When someone from the outside sees what I do and sees what he does then they think I am a bit nuts to doubt I am not doing enough. Sean makes me feel inept and substandard. I don't feel that way when he isn't around. Did he really beat me down that much and I didn't notice? I stood up to him so often and so much I never realized he was getting to me in other ways. Connor is now seeing her once a week as well as his own therapist. She knew who he was and thought he was a great fit for Connor too. I know if we have to make changes to Connors school schedule that Sean will put up a fuss. I am still scared he will use Connors issues to use against me to hurt me and not think about what is good for Connor long term. Anyway, she is going to help me set something up this week to see Connor's teachers. She totally understood me backing off to let Connor test the waters and transition and me stepping in when he asked for it and needed it. How would he grow otherwise if I did everything for him? I really hope we can help him in a way where he doesn't feel stupid and allow depressive tendencies to make him doubt himself. To be honest I really wish all this would go away. I could deal with Connor and all the kids and the money issues fine if Sean would just drop off the face of the earth. He is a constant shadow on everything. I really feel sad sometimes knowing I have to deal with him for the rest of my life. Even if he died today I would have to deal the the kids emotional aftermath and how his presence and/or lack of it shaped them.

Time for lunch and switch the kids out for naps.