Friday, January 22, 2010
Well, this has been some week. Sometimes I think I am being held together by thin thread. On a good note, I have worked every day this week. I might be working tomorrow as well. Some much needed income. It's still no where near enough and I have been very worried about it I hope the regular child support comes on the 23rd. I could just skim by then. I have no hopes. I think that is the really sad part.
Connor missed school again today. Over all since his last therapy session he has done well. No missed days except today. Nine days in a row total. His next session is Monday. Connor admits the fault is his own. That is a good sign. His sleep problem I think is going to require another sleep study. I will have to bring that up in the next session. The whole lying issue I will also need to discuss. Connor still doesn't understand and that concerns me. I certainly don't need to be raising a little sociopath. His dad is bad enough. Sometimes I get scared thinking, what would we do if I wasn't here? Who would watch Sofie? Where would Cade go for lunch and after school? Who would be helping Connor through all his problems? I also don't know how I feel about the fact I have to do this all alone. I don't feel angry or sad or scared. I feel numb.
Today was another day where I cried. I had some random spurts all week. Today it was caused when I saw a show (as I was going through the room with some laundry) of a woman who had just delivered a baby and her husband. They were smiling at each other and happy. I just burst into tears thinking back on the kids being born. How stupidly happy I was. I was so stupid to think Sean was happy too. That we were a family. That he loved us. That he loved me and was proud of me. Dumb, dumb me. So, refocus and find another task.
I had some fun with the little ones today. I brought out a little play tent and Sofie, Aiden and I played pretend camping. I got her new sleeping bag and a battery lantern. We made a pretend camp fire and sang songs and had some marshmallows. We went fishing off the back of the couch. They cooked me dinner. Fish and beans. Yum? I try and do something in the mornings after my chores and before naps to do something fun. Then they take separate naps so I do some one on one time then. Reading or something.
This is what I mean by roller coaster though. My feelings are right on the surface. I can just start to cry over little things and be laughing and having a great time later. The cries are usually very short though. I try to refocus and redirect my attention. I didn't go to my book club last night. I was just too tired. Not physically. I just didn't want to walk in the cold to see people even if they are friends to talk about a book I hadn't even read yet.
Another plus, I am really trying to do things for myself I used to enjoy but gave up when dealing with Sean and his issues. Trying to find me again. Do I even still like the things I used to? I have to force myself to make that time for me but I know I have to. If I want to get my life back on track I need to. I am very aware I am struggling.
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