Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Well, It was a rough evening. I didn't even get to give Sofie a bath because things were kind of hectic. Connor came home with Cade and Sofie on the 4pm boat. His friend didn't see him after all. He was reluctant to tell me why. I can imagine things didn't go well for him when he didn't inform her of his change in plans. Anyway, Sofie was ok for the most part. She wasn't wearing the clothes I sent her in and she was eager to change into "her" clothes. She said the ones she had on were "the witch's". Her cough that has lingered off and on since her cold last week was worse. I emailed Sean about it but Cade said they sent her out to play in the snow. I doubt it helped.
Cade was fine at first then had a little melt down. He said he "had enough" of the girl and of Sofie. He said Sofie was copying the girl all weekend and it was driving him nuts. He said his dad wasn't doing anything to stop Sofie from being "naughty". She came back spitting and biting people. I had to make a huge effort to get her to stop doing that the last time she had been there but she had stopped. Now I have to start all over again. Cade said that his dad would sometimes put her in timeout but then never watched her so she would just get up anyway. Cade said the timeouts "don't do anything!" He was also upset that on Saturday they made him come to the school the wife teaches at for a debate. Not that he minds going to them too much. He likes the time alone or at the very least away from Kathryn and Regan. This time however they were also there. He then did an admittedly bad thing and ate 5 donuts in the teachers lounge. He loves donuts. I guess if you could say anything was a favorite food of his it would be donuts. As a result I buy them rarely and then keep them where he can't get them. The last time he snuck a few he got a tummy ache. I told him I had no sympathy for him as I had told him before this would be a result. Besides it being an unhealthy eating habit. Since then he has been fine at home and he knows my speech on the subject so I don't reiterate it. Why waste my breath? I make HIM tell me. So, anyway, he didn't get sick or anything but was simply hungry and all the fruit was gone so he ate the donuts. The girl told her mom (tattletale) and so she came and lectured "loudly" to Cade about it for 2o minutes. Then Sean came and did it again later in the day. So Cade, left. He got up and walked out of the school to their house, which is about a 5 minute walk. I tried not to freak. My 10 year old walking alone in the city and he never even told them he was leaving! I understand he was upset. He knew he shouldn't have eaten so many but for them both to act like he killed an animal or something was a bit excessive. Especially for the results (him leaving). I bet if his dad alone had been the one to speak to him it would have been better. I have said this before and say it again. She has no right to discipline him in anyway. It is Sean's job to do. In the court ordered course he had to take they said the same thing. She could have informed Sean of what Cade did but she went too far. Sean too I am POSITIVE only went bananas about what he did because she is an organic freak and he wants to pretend to her he is too. I have seen Sean eat a whole box of donuts by himself. The kids have too. They don't respect the "do as I say and not as I do" attitude he gives. There were other things that bothered him ( like how they are forcing him to call their house home now and he gets a timeout if he doesn't and how the girl after ratting him out about the donuts told him "she didn't know" he would get in trouble. He would have forgiven the ratting but not the lying. She knew full well what she was doing.) but I directed his attention elsewhere and he even went to school this morning without having another break down. That was good.
Connor. Well, that was an interesting and hair pulling conversation. He. Just. Doesn't. Get. It.
We went around in circles for a while. Then he began the guilt stuff. I make it harder to see his friends than I do Will. Uh. No. I am the one who makes it hard to see his dad. I am sure if people could have seen my aura it would have been flaring. So I asked him how do I do that? He couldn't answer me. "I dunno, you just do. All these rules and stuff." One. One rule. Dad has to talk to me and let me know you are going to be seeing him. How hard is that?! Am I being unreasonable? I explained (again) the whole parents need to know where their kids are speech. I tried to point out this was for his dad's sake as well as mine. Parents, plural. I pointed out I have stayed out of his and his dad's way so the two of them could make plans. Then all I asked was to be informed by his father. It seemed that neither of them could get their acts together hence the new rule. Connor can go on visit weekends only for 6 months. He has to go the whole weekend. He comes and goes with Cade and Sofie. He can choose to go or not go. He can call, email, text, facebook, whatever as much as he wishes. He has no concepts that lies of omission are still a lie. Then he thought I was only upset about lies of omission and they were somehow different from lies. Ack! Then I was being difficult apparently. He has friends who live near his dad so it would be easier to see them if he was with his dad. At this point Will (who had been in another room) asked Connor if he could say something. Connor agreed. Will pointed out that I was just as strict with him if not more so than Connor. He asked me if I had met Kate. I said no. Will told Connor that I have met all of his friends and even most of their parents either in person or on the phone. Connor hung his head. Then Will pointed out that he also has friend who lives near Sean. He said that it is hard to hang out when no one has a license and even then there are a lot of restrictions. He told Connor if his friends parents didn't want to drive them to meet up at the mall, downtown or wherever then there was the city bus. He told Connor that I have gone in on the boat to drive him around before even when it was the only reason I was coming in town. Sometimes I could, sometimes I couldn't. Making plans ahead of time helps make things easier because the parents can plan to drive them. Will walks, takes the bus or plans to meet somewhere that is easy for both him and his friend. Yeah, it would be easier in some instances to be with some friends if he could stay with dad. He just didn't like the price he would have to pay to do so. If Connor was willing to do that it was his choice but he shouldn't rule out all his other options. He also shouldn't blame me for his inability to find a way to hang out with his friends. Will said he has the same problems Connor has and never once blamed me or even dad. Connor seemed to listen and Will (for a change) didn't act snotty or condescending when he was speaking to him. Connor cried and said he had a really bad day. I told him I was really sorry he didn't get a chance to hang out with Kate. Then he said, " And now I am being punished for it." I think some of my hair fell out. I told him I really wasn't punishing him. I had thought about it. Lying is very serious. I had been very angry and hurt. I knew I had issues of my own about being lied to and took a long time to think before I decided to do what I was doing because I didn't my issues to become his issues. I told some parents would take everything he had away but I wasn't doing that. I told him I wanted him to write his thoughts down for me about lies and how they effect others and himself instead. He seemed shocked. He asked if he could just tell me and I said no. I told him taking the time to write it out would help him collect his thoughts and then I could read them. I wanted him to do this so he could learn from this and grow. I didn't want this to become a habit. Then he said, "I see. I see." I knew that wasn't good. I asked him what he meant and he said, "I know you all are afraid I will turn out like dad. I know dad has lied and hurt you and us." I told him this wasn't about his dad. He said, "I hope so." Ack again! I told him his dad was dad and Connor was Connor. I wanted HIM to be the best person he could be and even if dad was still here we would be having the same conversation about how lies hurt others. I was so exhausted when we were done. What he wrote for me and it was horrible. He didn't get it at all. I will just save it for therapy. I didn't ask him why his day was so bad. I will talk to him about it tonight. I doubt it was just our conversation and his problem with his friend that were the sole reasons.Seeing his dad for the first time in months might have "something" to do with it. It was after the chat Cade had his meltdown so I had to go and deal with that. I finally sat down to eat when this was all over around 7pm. The kids had eaten already. I took my plate to bed and ate from there. I was cold and wanted to warm up. I got really dizzy and my head was buzzing and I knew I was close to fainting. I had done that once before after I had Sofie and knew it. I rested my head on my pillows and closed my eyes and breathed slowly. After about 5 minutes it passed. I think the stress was doing me in. No wonder I stay fat huh?
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2 comments:
What an awesome brother Will is!!!! And he's so perceptive. I'm worried about Connor. It sounds too familiar to me. I hope the therapist can get a handle on things quickly. Is Connor on medications now? (You don't have to answer that if you don't want to) but maybe they need to be "tweaked"? We've been trying to "tweak" DD's medications since she was hospitalized. Unfortunately, the one drug that seemed to help with the defiance/tantrums etc., Zyprexa, caused DD to gain about 10 lbs in a month, and right now she almost weighs as much as me! (and she's three inches shorter than me) (And I'm not skinny in anyone's book!)
So it's back to the drawing board. Maybe the therapist can give you some opinions as to whether Connor might need a change, too...?
He isn't on meds. We were trying to avoid that if possible. Teens and bad reactions etc. Sean is dead set against it so even if it was recommended it would probably go to court when/if that happens. He had been doing really well for a while so his therapist "discharged" him and said if he needed any help to just come back. So, now we are back again. We'll see.
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