Our Island Family Life

Today I am feeling it. I don't feel tired but I know I am. Most of the time I keep sad thoughts about my current life situation at bay by getting plenty of rest, eating well and keeping busy. There is always something to do. When I am tired or thirsty I find my thoughts wandering. I am also well aware that because if my current hormonal state I am a little emotional. I knew that when I watched an anime the other day with Cade and cried every single episode. He made fun of me of course. It was a good cry. I was happy and it brought tears to my eyes so I wasn't depressed or anything. Just overwhelmed. I think that is a wonderful word to describe how I feel. Overwhelmed. This morning when I woke I turned my head and from my pillow I can see out my door to my book shelves. I have one book there I should get rid of but can't. I could see it and I began to think about what was in it and just felt loss and so very sad. I didn't cry. I just began thinking about how to get rid of it and wondering why I keep it at all when it makes me feel this way. I haven't had the courage to even open it in a long time. What is it? A journal. Sean worked nights and slept days and so we didn't see each other a lot during his work week. We called each other and I left him notes in his lunch I would pack for him. The journal was my idea. I would write in it almost everyday and then put it in his bag for work. He would read it and respond to me or just write his own thoughts and leave it by my bedside in the morning. It was a way for us to be close. When I look at it sitting there I see his private thoughts and his loving words to me. I see his pain as he began sinking deeper into depression and his grief when we lost our baby. By the end he was harsh and cruel to me in there. When he answered me at all. I wonder if he even bothered to read my words. The mean words hurt me far less than his loving ones. I still ask myself it they were true or just all lies. When he said how happy he was to just be able to spend time alone with me. How much he loved me. At the end he said he was just pretending and lying to himself about loving me. How Cade and Sofie weren't a product of love at all. I remember how kind and gentle he was with me with Cade. I had a rough pregnancy and had several surgeries. He bathed me and stayed by my side. Didn't he love me? I just don't know. I think I can't let go of the journal yet because it is that last thing I have of us, of him. Some kind of proof I want to believe that I didn't waste my life. That he really loved me. I better not hear any one say, what about the kids. My brain says, it is hurting you, dump it. Then I think I might regret it later. Maybe years from now this pain will be tolerable and I will be able to look at it from a different perspective. When Sean left I had to pack all his things. After he shoved me into the side of the house I couldn't let him come back. I also gave him all the letters he ever sent me. I had kept them all. All the gifts he gave me. The very first gift he gave me was a tiny clay angel. It was for Christmas. We had been together two months. He told me I was his angel. He kept telling me that and gave me angel gifts until his depression made it so he couldn't leave the house without me. I wish in a way out of all the presents I had kept that. It was special and like the journal. Maybe he gave it to her. Maybe it sits on their tree now. I doubt he told her of it's significance. Maybe he just threw all the stuff away. I really do miss the man he used to be. Even when he didn't love me he was at least a nice guy. Now he hates me. How can you hate the mother of your children? I really wish I could hate him too. I hate the part of me that's "too nice." I guess now it's time to stop crying. (which I began once I started writing) and have a cup of tea and do something productive.

So, should I get rid of it?