Monday, January 18, 2010
I was furious. Then the hurt set in. Which I am sure was what I was trying to hide before with my anger. Connor lied to me.
This morning when I got out of the shower I saw Sean had called. Connor had left on the early boat to spend the day with his friend Kate. Something he had planned since Saturday. Even though it's snowing I let him go since he would be walking around town and not driving anywhere. I checked the phone messages and Sean was asking if Connor had gotten on the boat or not because he didn't want to drive in the snow if he didn't have to. Last night when Connor said his dad had called he never mentioned he was going to see him. I asked him if he had been able to talk to his dad at all over the phone and he said no. He asked me if it was still ok to go in town on the morning boat and I said yes since this was his reward we had discussed in therapy for going to school for a whole week. I said since his cell wasn't working he had to call me from the pay phone in the bay lines and dress warmly since he was going to be walking down town in and out of buildings. I told him if he came home on the 2:45 and not the 5:45 he could call me using Cade's cell as well to let me know. He said ok.
Let me just say right off the bat this isn't an issue where I am mad he is seeing his dad. That is a good thing and quite frankly I am surprised. I hope Connor can talk to him about the school issue and whatever else he feels he needs to. My problems are something else entirely.
One, lies of omission are still lies to me, by not telling me he was going to see his dad, he lied to me in my book.
Two, I let him go in town today despite the snow with the express idea he wasn't going to be on the roads. It is bad enough Cade and Sofie will be since Sean has to bring them to the boat. Connor knew this and said nothing.
Three, he did not call me when he got in town from the bay lines as I expressly told him to. Fourth, Kate called wondering where he was and asked me to let him know if I could she had called. Not only did he not tell me what he was doing he didn't tell his friend who ALSO ventured out in the snow to see him. He is being extremely rude to her.
Fifth, I called Sean twice to ask him to have Connor call me. I told him I wanted him to come home on the 10am boat and we would discuss his lying to me then. I called the second time to let him know Kate called. Connor did not call me back.
Sixth, if he had taken the 10am boat he would be home now and he isn't. Either Sean didn't tell him or didn't bring him.
Seventh, and something that really mounts my fury, I had told both Sean and Connor verbally and in emails that if they had plans to see each other then Sean HAD to inform me so that both parents knew where Connor was. If he didn't then Connor would not be allowed to go. Sean never said anything to me. If they had agreed to meet on the phone last night then Sean should have asked to speak with me to let me know. I wouldn't have said no.
What to do?
Well, one thing is now I AM going to limit Connor's contact with his dad. He can see him on court ordered visitation days and no others. If his dad can not follow one simple request to keep Connor safe then there has to be a consequence. I have only ONE time told Connor he couldn't see his dad in the whole time Sean has been gone from us. Almost 2 1/2 years now. Only once. That was because Connor had been sick that day. I have been very open to visits outside of visitation so they could try and bond. I have had enough.
The lies. Well, I am not sure what to do. I cried and cried for nearly an hour. I am still tearing up. You can't force someone to tell you the truth. You can only hope that by the time your children are teens they will be honest because you have built up enough love and respect to do so. I don't want to take away his options to see his friends or talk to them because his being social is CRITICAL right now to keeping him motivated and out of depression. It simply is NOT a disciplinary option right now. I also have to consider my own reaction. I know, know I may be overreacting to a degree. I am not saying what Connor did is ok and doesn't deserve some kind of "something" to deal with it. What I want to recognize is my own feelings about this so I can deal with this as best I can. Trust is huge with me. I have been so hurt, so crushed by Sean's lies to me. Lies to me my people I love I can not bear it. I can not bear it anymore and I can not tolerate it. I know Sean has made a significant impact on me and how I perceive things. He wasn't the first but he was the worst. I kind of knee jerk now. I do not want to take that out on Connor. I have set some limits for myself though. I can not have people in my life who lie to me on a regular basis. I just can't, not people I love. It will kill me inside. What do you do when it's your son? I love him no question. He has committed a breach of trust I can not ignore. I am willing to give him time to earn it back but you know how it is, with every one negative thing done to you, you need ten good things to undo the damage. It will take a long time. Especially because of my current state. It's fragile and I admit it. I trusted Sean with everything I had and I was a fool. It clouds my judgement. I have to be careful how I deal with things now. I think, I think I am going to make Connor write to me. An essay or letter. Maybe say, ten pages, where he can tell me how lies and omission can hurt others and himself. I want to see that he thinks about this and can empathize with others. Until, he does that he will lose everything. X-box, tv, phone, books, movies, everything. That is what, an hour or two of his life? I will read it and then he has to bring it to therapy next week for us to discuss. After that I don't think I will do more. After all, he really has the worst punishment there is. He has lost the trust of his own mother. What could be worse?
I know I feel hurt at his obvious lack of respect for me. I don't doubt he loves me but I don't want him to grow up learning about that selfish kind of love. I don't want him to be like his dad. I am so tired right now.
2 comments:
Boy, do I know what your feelings are doing!!!
Unfortunately, partly due to her disability and partly due to the fact that "it worked all the time when she was much younger", DD lies all the time. And no matter how many times she does it, I always get hurt and angry. I don't think I'll ever get over that. And you'd think after all this time that I'd just be able to say "Oh well, there she goes again..." but my heart doesn't see it that way.
I wish I could tell you that I have a "consequence" that works. I've found that the writing is probably the best thing--but DD has to include 1) exactly what she did wrong 2) who it hurt and why 3) what she had hoped to accomplish and 4) how she should have handled it. And she has to apologize to everyone involved. That means that if she told me a lie about her friend, she also has to apologize to the friend. But sometimes the results are less than desirable (in other words, the writing sucks).
It's also important for DD to have friends/socialize, because she has so much trouble with that aspect of her life anyhow.... so I understand your thoughts on that, too. Sometimes I end up just doing a Google search and seeing what other parents have done....
I think what you said about "for every one negative thing you need ten positive things to undo the damage" is right on the money. I have gotten to a point where I don't believe a single word DD says. If she told me "the sky is blue", I would have to check. And she gets pretty angry about this, but I just don't trust her one bit, and she is going to have to probably work for years to undo that. I understand. I'm glad your situation with Connor has not gotten to that point yet.
Oh--and also--it's SO FRUSTRATING to try to parent with someone who is not dependable. Sometimes you don't even know who to be mad at.
I think everything you're feeling is normal. It's scary when you look at Sean, and then wonder about Connor. I so much hope that Connor can work past this.
I didn't consider my new rule of Connor only being able to go on visitation a punishment at all. It is exactly as you say, trying to parent with someone who isn't reliable. My having a clear no bend line for them, it takes away the whole issue of who is doing what when. I will know where he is and the safety issue is resolved. I know legally I am protected. If Sean gets mad then maybe he should have been a better co-parent. Hopefully in 6 months Connor will have matured enough that they can try again. Connor can tell me the plans and I can make the call to his dad since it is now certain Sean can not do it himself.
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