Our Island Family Life: bipolar behavior

Saturday, December 19, 2009

What time is it?

1 comments Posted by perphila at 9:39 AM

I got a call to unexpectedly work yesterday. It was ironic that the night before thinking I wasn't going to work I stayed up really late reading. I haven't done that in ages. So I was dragging, but grateful. I had been told it would be until 4pm but it turned out to be a half day. Their boat wouldn't start and they had to go into town to get parts and stuff. So a broken car then a broken boat. That really stinks. Plus I also lost 2 and half days work.

Today it snowed and it was really dark for a long time. Even Sofie slept in to almost 8am. I read a book. Yes, the whole thing, because I can and I am a fast reader. There was no squabbling with the kids. I made a quiche for breakfast which Sofie loves. I think she has been looking a little thin lately. Maybe it's just me. She doesn't have much of an appetite but that seems to come and go in waves for her. She had almost half the quiche all on her own though. I finally have her napping on a schedule again. Which is good for both of us. She has been having bad dreams at night lately though. I can hear her whimpering and crying in her sleep every night. She winds up coming in bed with me at some point most nights. I don't go and get her unless she gets really loud because she thrashes and then falls out of bed. She is really paranoid about her hair. She keeps telling me that the "mean mean witch" told her she needs to get a hair cut. I think after Christmas I will get it cut. It is long and I never said it wasn't. I just think that if that woman keeps saying things to Sofie that causes her to be scared and have nightmares consciously or not and I can do something to maybe stop it I should. I am well aware that after I get her hair cut the woman will find something else to bad mouth about me and frighten Sofie. I will deal with that when it comes. I hopefully if I do this it will give Sofie a break for a little while and I can be there for her first hair cut to show her it isn't a big deal. Goodness knows they won't be supportive of her. We sat in my bed this morning, her on my lap and we brushed out her hair. We brushed for about half and hour. She had really matted it during the night. I usually braid it before bed a la little house on the prairie. That keeps her from getting knotty and it only takes a few minutes to brush. I didn't last night so it was my fault. Still, I think she likes the time with me. She brushes my hair afterwords.

I was feeling a little bad off and on today thinking about dealing with these little problems that seem so preventable and stupid. Things I just haven't quite adjusted to having to deal with in my life. I hid away in the bathroom to cry for a bit. I don't have much privacy when all the kids are home so the bathroom is the only place. I was only about 5 minutes or so and it helped. I was thinking about Sean again and wondered if he even knew me at all. He probably didn't and only cared about what I could do for him. It was never about him not loving me or believing in me anymore like he said. He said I was the one holding him together when he was at his worst. I know that is true. I have kept him from harming himself many, many times over. Still, I should have said more about what I wanted and what I needed more than I did. It was very hard to be so conscious all the time of what I might say or do that would make him feel bad and get him down on himself or angry with himself all the time. I spoke up as much as I felt I could. In the end though I think I really short changed myself. I feel like every time I do or sometimes even think it I am being selfish and bitchy or whiny. Was I always this way or it a learned condition for all those years with him? I don't know and it's a good reason to be by myself for a while to figure it out. I feel really lonely though at times. I miss and sometimes dream about times I had with him when we just hung out and talked about stuff. Times when we said nothing and just watched tv or read books in different chairs with music playing. Just time shared. It really is a different feeling than when it's just me doing the same things with the kids. When there is another person there you feel comfortable with and happy with, even when you are doing nothing. A best friend you can hold hands with and nod off around. I miss those things. Honestly, it's scary to realize that realistically, I won't have that again. It feels even worse to know those feeling were only ones I had. It was not even the truth and I never shared anything at all. He used me to feel good about himself and to keep from being honest with himself. I kept him alive literally and when he found someone else to support him financially and someone he thought was more beautiful he was gone. He wanted a new outer image and I didn't fit it. If one more person tells me, "well at least you have four beautiful kids" I think I scream and think about kicking them. I just don't care about that right now. I know that. I appreciate that. Aren't I more than just a mom though? What about my own wants and needs and desires? See? Selfish. There are times when I think it's all my fault anyway. My bad decisions. Bad choices. My mistakes. My life is screwed up and stinks because of me. Sure Sean is an ass. He lied, cheated, stole and is an all around selfish bastard. He is an equal opportunity jerk who hurts more than just me but every one he comes in contact with eventually. The system sucks for not putting him in jail his theft and scams and dead beat dad stuff. Well, life's not fair so I can't feel as angry about that as I probably should. Sean does have certain circumstances for his god awful behavior. I do not excuse it though just because of his depression and bipolar and anxiety. I wouldn't excuse a drunk for beating his wife either. I just can try and see where it's coming from. I feel bad that this was something that was snowballing for years and I had no clue how to help not just him but our family. Well, what's done is done. I hurts to miss the lie I loved. The lie that I had a husband who loved me.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Crafts and Insanity

0 comments Posted by perphila at 9:44 AM

I never did say how craft day went did I? Well, it was fun. Sofie was great, behaved and did all the crafts. She made a necklace and threaded the beads all by herself. It was a craft of one the teachers did and she was impressed at Sofie's hand eye coordination. The boy I babysit was there. It is so interesting to see how different he is when he isn't here. When he is here is listens, shares, takes a nap without a fuss and is rather quiet. I mean he is loud in the sense he is always making noise. Car noises and humming or taking but not yelling or screaming, that kind of thing. Well, he was running and loud and trying to touch everything. He tried to take other peoples crafts. His dad was working on a car craft (his mom was working) so I got up and took the crafts he took back from him and put them back on the table. He was not pleased but when he saw it was me taking them he tried to run away. I picked him up and got him working on another craft. I had to redirect him quite a few times and he tried to wiggle away a few times. Ack. So, when he was running and crazy Sofie wanted to do it too. I made her sit. I'm just glad she didn't get too upset since it was her nap time. Otherwise, a good time was had by all.

Connor came home from school and said he went and asked to talk to the school social worker. I am glad he did it on his own. I was going to call her today myself to ask her to talk to him. Now I just have to make a follow up call. He said he told her about what was going on. She asked him why he was missing days and he told her, "I don't know that's why I am talking to you." Nice huh? Well, it could be worse and has been. He is struggling and trying and that is more than he did last year. I don't think he understands or sees the patterns in his behavior. If his therapy doesn't go well he may need meds. Seeing as how it seems to be seasonal. Maybe he needs light therapy or we should be looking at SAD. Lots of possibilities. There are a lot of things I could do for him. Not in the good way either. I want to help him but not do his work for him. If there is anything I learned from Sean and his bipolar and depression is that Connor has to help himself. I need to be a support. I need for him to know I am here and love him and will do what I can but I can't live his life for him. It hurts me, but right now even though things are not that great I am optimistic. What really bothers me is what could happen if his dad tries to get involved. The last time he tried to "help" I had to wait two months before Connor could get his pdoc consult. They tend not to want to see people when the parents threaten to sue them. Good thing they are used to seeing that type of behavior. It was pure dumb luck that Connor was able to pull out of it on his own. It would have been nice if it hadn't taken almost 5 months. I am sure if I had been able to get him help when I tried to instead of later because of his dad the time it took would have been shorter. I wonder if the pdoc could have seen Connor when he was really bad if what he is going through now could have been prevented? Since his dad is in denial of his own mental health issues and from the last I knew still not taking his meds his involvement is problematic. His concern is haphazard at best. Not good when consistency is what Connor needs right now. Today I had to get Connor to eat. He just "wasn't hungry". I impressed upon him how his mood would improve with some protein in him. Not to mention give him some healthy energy and help his headache go away. He thinks I am too pushy and worrying for nothing. That just makes me frustrated. He has a headache and then does nothing to make himself better? No food, fluid or Tylenol? Nothing? Well, I got him full of that stuff and we had another little talk. I kept it short. I don't want to do the lectures. It doesn't help and he tunes out anyway. Short, sweet and show some concern seems to work better and gets him to do what I ask without much fuss. I hate how clinical that sounds and not like real sincere concern but I have to do what works. How can I even get ahead in other things like working and thinking about what I need to do for my own life when this stuff keeps popping up? One step at a time. Amazingly I am not really stressed out about that stuff today. I don't know why but I'm going to go with that...:)

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Trying not to say I told you so

0 comments Posted by perphila at 8:58 AM

Which is rearing it's ugly head again? The bipolar or the crappy father/ex-husband? Mixture of both is my guess.

I am no longer swayed by little bits of kindness Sean occasionally shows anymore. I now see it as a precursor to something nasty down the road. When the kids were sick last week I asked Sean to send some juice and medicine and he did. That was a good thing. He didn't offer. I had to ask. Also he waited a full day before getting around to doing it. I will give him points for doing it at all. My heart didn't soften because of it.

Connor had some issues with his xbox. It was broken and he had managed to get a "new" used one yesterday after school. Sadly, when he tried it out it didn't work properly. He was pretty mad which I don't blame him for but I was glad to see this time he didn't take it out on any of us. He even was composed enough to not act like a jerk the whole evening. We all felt bad for him. I guess however he was still wanting some sympathy and he called his dad. I understand his need to want to talk with his dad about his problems like he used to. He still doesn't quite understand that while his dad may sound sympathetic and say all the right things he is really only using the opportunity to further his own needs and agenda.

Connor brought the phone to me saying Sean wanted to ask me about Connor spending some weeknights with him and Connor didn't want to "deal with it" and wanted to me tell his dad that wasn't going to be happening. Sean and I have discussed this before. No school nights and both Sean and I need to know about any weekend visits. I took the phone expecting for Sean to talk about Connor coming to a visit and instead he begins giving me the third degree about Connor's school work. I was surprised and I am sure I sounded it. I answered his questions but it became obvious he was confused. A lot of the questions were things we had already discussed over the phone weeks ago. Also he kept asking me why the school site was saying he was failing all his classes. I had told him before about how this school works and it's grading system and how the site is only as good as when the teachers update and they can't do it every single day which can mean a lot. I flat out told him again Connor wasn't failing his classes. He had passed everything for the last trimester except for one incomplete which he dealt with already even if it wasn't reflected on the site. He kept asking me if the site was "lying". Why wasn't it updated? Things like that I I really can't answer. So he got angry with me and said fine he would just call the teachers himself. I told him that was fine. Then he began questioning me again about what Connor had done to fix things. I told him to hold on and that he could ask Connor himself. I got Connor and told him his dad was concerned about his school work and that the school site hadn't been updated to reflect his grades and was saying he had failed all his classes from the last trimester. Connor just shook his head and sighed and took the phone. I told him he dad wanted to know what he had done and what teachers he talked to to make up his work. Connor spoke to his dad and they hung up. I was surprised again but Sean didn't ask to speak to me again about any visits and didn't say anything about if what Connor had told him helped clear up any confusion. Connor said he felt his dad now understood things better.

I checked my email on instinct and sure enough there was something there from Sean. He was real suave hitting all the right points. I knew this was something he was dying to print out for some judge. I was beside myself at his attitude and what was worse he cc'd it to Connor! He was telling me how he believed I was irritated at him over the phone and frustrated at his inconsistency when it came to Connor and his school and how bad I must feel to have had to carry the burden. He said how I "needed" to work with him and how disappointed he was. He was trying to sound like he understood my feelings and that I might be resistant to him trying to help Connor but that he was interested and willing to help. He really made me look like I was a bad guy hindering Connor's progress. He said he would call me later this week to discuss what we had to do for Connor. There was a huge power play thing going on. He was "telling" me what I needed to do and what he was going to decide for Connor basically.

Anyway, since he sent it to Connor too we had to discuss it. Connor wasn't pleased. He asked me if his dad had spoken to me about any visits and I said no. Connor read the email and shook his head and told me to not even bother answering it. He said, "Let him call my teachers. If he doesn't listen to you or me maybe he will listen to them. He said he now understood me but apparently that was hot air." It's too bad Connor got to see how much his dad was trying to make me look like an idiot and a bad mother. Will said, "You really shouldn't have called him." Connor didn't say anything. Usually by this point he would be defending his dad. He didn't this time.

So, there was a lot I wanted to say to Sean. I didn't respond to the email though. Several reasons. One I felt I would be giving Sean something he wanted even if he didn't realize it. I was not going to engage him in conflict. This is something he craves and it releases his tensions and stresses and I am not going to be his emotional punching bag. Let his new wife do that. Second, he wasn't listening to me anyway. I do not need to defend myself. I answered all his questions to the best of my ability surprised or not. This was all I could do to co-parent with him. Him showing interest is good. Sadly, based on his track record I know it will be short lived and any thing he agrees to do to "help" Connor won't last. It better to have a plan in place that doesn't have to rely on Sean as a major component. I also noted that if Connor hadn't called Sean more than likely Sean would not have called me about this new found interest in Connor's education. Also, where is Sean's concern in his other kids in school? You can't just pick and choose which kid you want to have interest in when it's convenient for you. You have to find a balance for each of them. Some days you are better at it than others but you don't totally ignore some of them. I really thought it was audacious of him to tell me what I "needed" to do for our kids. Give me a break. That was what stuck in my throat. What about what he needs and should to for his kids? Like pay the child support, go to conferences, not steal from them, talk to them, not lie to them, give them birthday presents, come to their events, offer to help them with anything, not block their medical treatments, treat their mother with respect and not shove her in front of them? How about that? Heaven forbid if I don't answer a question he may have I don't even know the answer to. Not to mention a big factor in some of Connor's missing work has been his mood swings and how when he has visited his dad he has missed school because he has gotten ill after visits. I am well aware this illness is in his head. He is upset emotionally even though he denies it and says , "whatever", but then he gets headaches and stomach aches and even gets fevers. So why would I let Connor stay with him on a school night? The last time I did that he was "sick" for three days. Can I co parent with Sean and tell him this? HA...yeah right.

So, the confusion he was showing was concerning. It was more than just not being fully informed. The ego and insistence we were lying to him, a website is lying was also kinda freaky. I am sure he has a good spin on it for "the wife" so I look like Miss Crazy Pants. I don't mean to joke about it but at this point it is a coping skill to keep me from getting angry with him for some things I know he isn't in control of. I wonder how long it will take for him to go back to his meds? For all I know he resumed taking them and this is a new side effect. I just don't know anymore and if it didn't directly affect the kids I really wouldn't care either.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Here we go again...

0 comments Posted by perphila at 10:17 AM

I swear. I am never answering the phone during the daytime again if I see Sean's name on the caller ID. If it's when the boys are home, fine. Most likely he is calling for them anyway. I thought the hardest thing I would have to do today was defrost the freezer. I was going for a totally emotionally stress free day. No such luck. So, since I didn't answer the email he sent he decided to call instead. Two big things. One was about Connor. He wanted to know if I got his email. I said yes and didn't volunteer anything else. There is nothing to say. He asked if Connor was staying after today and tomorrow. I said no. He asked why. I said he didn't need to. He asked if all his work was made up and the whole idea if explaining to him about how certain teachers are only there certain days would have been over his head anyway. I said he was using his academic support block in school to take care of things and staying after wasn't necessary. He asked about the absent marks and I had to explain the scheduling snafu which made it look like he was out for one or two classes three days a week when he was there in a different class. Connor had already explained this to him before and here I was doing it again. He asked if Connor was coming over to see him this weekend and I told him Connor had planned on working this weekend so I doubted he would. He said, "This Friday?" I swallowed all my sarcastic responses and simply said yes. Then he said, "Well, I'll see Cade on Friday." Problem two. Now when the phone calls were going on between Cade and Sean last week over Halloween Cade had made the offer of switching weekends. That would mean he would be seeing his dad this coming weekend. Sean never answered Cade about it during their first talk at all. Sean also didn't say anything to me about agreeing to that when we talked during that same phone call. When Sean called back to tell Cade he could stay he never mentioned he expected to see Cade this weekend. He never said he was accepting Cade's offer. He never even said, have a good time see you next week. Nothing. When Cade hung up I asked him if his dad mentioned anything about this weekend and he said no. Sean never asked to speak to me and he hung up before I could ask. Cade did not think for one second he was going to have to go over there this weekend. Here is where I messed up. Another live and learn thing on how to make things are crystal clear with someone who is an expert of lies of omission and manipulation. I should have followed up and emailed Sean myself to check plans. I again made the mistake of trusting that Sean and one of his kids could come to a compromise neatly and clearly. Now I am going to have to clean up another emotional mess. I was taken by surprise obviously when Sean said that about Cade and I asked him what he meant. He told me, "We switched weekends." I told him I did not agree to that. What I had agreed to was for Cade to make the offer and that it needed to be worked out between them. I told him that when he called Cade last Sean did not talk to me directly about agreeing to a switch and that Cade has no idea that was what Sean was expecting. I told him he would have to talk with Cade tonight and settle things then tell me what their plan was after their conversation. In any case even if Cade agrees to come in for the weekend I would not be bringing him until Saturday. All my plans for Friday are postponed because we are supposed to be getting 45 mile an hour winds and the boat won't run in anything over 30mph. I might even keep the older boys home. Getting to town wouldn't be an issue but if the winds pick up then we wouldn't be able to get back. I haven't made an firm decision yet. I need to see the weather tonight first. Sean said ok about Saturday. I can tell in his mind it's already settled and Cade is coming. How am I going to have to break this to Cade? We had even made plans to go shopping on Saturday to Goodwill for pants and maybe find a new movie there. Do some window shopping for xmas. Maybe see a real honest to goodness movie with lunch. He is so looking forward to it. Now I will have to brace him to have to talk with his dad again. Another hard conversation. Tonight is going to be miserable. He was even talking about his dad today and it was not in a good way. Then of course there is Connor. I have to talk with him about his dad calling about his school. Connor is going to need to call him himself and tell him he isn't coming (or email) and explain his situation with his absences and make up work. Not what I wanted today.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The new duck

1 comments Posted by perphila at 8:30 AM

For a long time when I was feeling overwhelmed at the stuff Sean was doing or was feeling the hurt and shame and sadness that comes with all of this I would think, envision if you will, I was a duck and that all the crap just slid off my back and I would chant, "quack, quack" over and over in my head. My own personal mantra of inner well being. I probably looked a little insane saying quack with my eyes closed but I think 9 times out of ten I did it in my head. At least I hope so. I think my duck died, or maybe it was covered like the ones you see on tv, slicked up with oil. It was like one of them and fighting for mental survival. So, I would like to introduce my new meditation focus, Watermelon Cat. It's funny. At least to me. It reminded me of how absurd the fight or whatever it is that is bothering me is in reality. I have a new picture and mantra to keep myself calm. Plus it's cuter than the duck. Maybe I can envision eating the watermelon when the crisis has passed as my own psychic reward. Sweet. I hope this works.

The stress yesterday really got to me. I had a headache at bed time and risked taking a sleeping pill. I hate those things because I am sluggish the next day and even though they help me fall asleep I am still up at night anyway. No small sounds escape me. I just didn't want to be in bed thinking about stuff and not going to sleep on time. Bad for the routine. Last night was fine but I woke up with a nasty tummy ache. I wonder if it was from the pill or the fact I had leftovers for dinner. Combo of the two? Who knows.

I had my talk with Connor yesterday. It was actually a good conversation. He came home happy and told me he was getting a 4 in French. That is the highest score you can get. Sean telling me he was missing stuff in every class was obviously another untruth because it's impossible to get a 4 with missing work. I told Connor I had called the school about his absences and he told me he had already been working on it. He had cleared it up with one teacher already and found out that the teacher had forgotten to input the change in the computer so Connor had to follow up with him and remind him. Another teacher was working with him because she knew he was in class the whole time and not tardy but her records were showing he was in other class altogether! So, I told him I was glad to see he was taking responsibility to clear things up. I told him that time was getting short though and he needed to talk to all his teachers and look for discrepancies. He can't just assume that because he knows he was there and on time that it was marked correctly. I told him it may take as long as a week to do all this but that the end of next Friday it should be corrected. Also while he is meeting with these teachers ask again about any missing work and arrange times to meet up after school if his in school study block time isn't enough. Again he told me he had done that and his math teacher was out and he didn't know when he would be back for an after school session. I told him he should find another student to help in his study block and that was what he was doing. As for the science, the teacher who runs the block wasn't letting him go to see the science teacher which was making him mad because he wanted to do everything he could during school hours so he wouldn't have to stay after and come home at 7pm. So he is going to talk with the science teacher and see if he can get an afternoon slot. He is rather bugged with the science teacher because he has asked for what he needs to make up when he was out but she only gives him half the stuff. So he thinks he has it all done then there is more. So I told him he should just be a pest and ask every single day. He may annoy her but he is doing what is required and she has to do her job. He liked that idea...probably the bugging her part but whatever gets the job done right? I then had to tell him I had gotten an email from his dad about his school work. Connor looked confused. I told him his dad was concerned about his unexcused absences, missing work and felt Connor was in danger of failing the trimester. I also told him that dad was expecting Connor to be spending the weekend with him which his dad said Connor wanted to do in order to get math help from his dad. Connor just shook his head. He said he doesn't have a problem in math to begin with. He sighed and said his dad had asked him last Sunday how school was and Connor was honest and told him he had been out sick and had some stuff to make up. Mostly math. He had said to his dad maybe they could meet up on Friday afternoon if Sean still wanted to help out on paying for half of the hard drive for the xbox. Never once did Connor say he wanted to spend the weekend with his dad or that he needed help with his math. Connor admitted that there were times he wasn't sure what he was doing from time time but for the most part math is pretty easy and it's only at the beginning of a new section he has any trouble which is normal since the whole class does too. I told him his dad had said he was missing stuff in every class. Connor was getting annoyed and said that wasn't true. I told him I knew that wasn't true. Then I thought about what I had to say that wouldn't be bashing his dad but in a way to make Connor not be so pissed. So I told Connor I wasn't upset with him. I understood when he came home with his progress report and there was a 2 on it because he had already told me before hand, had a plan in place to fix it, talked with his teacher to see it wasn't really reflecting his score which by the time I had gotten the written report was already a 3 which is the passing grade and I understood the reason it had reflected a 2 was because it wasn't from not understanding the material but missing work. I understood all of this because I understand the system of his school and how quick and flexible the grades are there. Dad on the other hand has no contact with his school at all. Not even when Will started going there. He has only been in the building once and that was to drop of a workers permit Will needed the summer Dad left. His dad has a perspective of a college student and thinks he knows all there is about being a teacher and how schools are run and his only actual experience is at the school he is ed teching for and stories told to him by his wife from the school she works for. This school is a brand new thing. It is a model school with low teacher student ratios and a comprehensive approach with deep community and parent involvement. Dad has never gone to a family crew night, PTA meeting or met any of the teachers and principal. The principal even saw his dad and dad knew who he was but never bothered to introduce himself. Based on the knowledge his dad has at hand he simply can't understand how things work there. That a pass grade can go to a fail grade based on one missed paper, one days worth of work and vise versa. That is why it's so tough there. You have to be consistent in your work and effort at all times. I didn't want to make Connor feel bad but I had to say that when dad asked how school was going and Connor was honest and said math was annoying that was all it took for his dad to become manic about it. He is all into everything now with no true understanding and as a result is now sending emails laced with demands and questions that could be answered clearly by the teachers themselves if he cared to ask. That would be too simple and would need to be done by someone who is able to think clearly. I wanted Connor to be prepared for maybe some pressure from his dad to make him stay after school more and his dad saying he would pick him up and then keep him with him for the night or a whole weekend so he can "help" him. Dad doesn't understand Connor's reasoning to try and get as much accomplished during his school day and keep school time, school time and home time, home time because that is what Connor needs to do emotionally. Will does the same thing. In order to succeed in his classes, especially when there is stress at home due to Sean or money or illness, whatever. Both their therapist were clear on that and the fact Will was doing it on his own was amazing. Connor does the same thing now at the same suggestion and by Will example and has been working quite well. Connor was clearly annoyed with his dad for the whole weekend thing. I told him to just forget about it. He can't control how his dad thinks or how he makes assumptions based on a few minutes of conversation. Maybe the next time his dad asks how school is going just tell him things are fine and he likes school. It wouldn't be a lie and even if he had a low grade at the exact moment his dad asked if Connor knew full well it wasn't because he was truly having a hard time in the class but for some small reason like missing work then let it go. He should never have any plans with his dad that could be left up for assumption. Never say, we should do that "sometime" or let's make plans or that would be cool to do. You either make a firm set date or nothing at all. It's the only thing Sean understands right now. Even then there is no guarantee that Sean isn't going to make something up in his head. Still, this would be the best to minimize those occurrences. Connor totally agreed. It wasn't about bashing his dad but trying to be realistic. Sean winds up hurting himself and his own feelings as well when he builds himself up and plans that don't exist. Plus when you try and set up a visit though veiled threats and "concerns" that is a pretty big turn off. If Connor wants his help he will ask for it. Kids asking for help is something that doesn't happen often but that has never been Connor's problem as long as it isn't emotional stuff. Then he is your typical teen. I guess things are ok for now. I am going to play it out for now. I told Connor to talk to his crew leader about conferences for next week and if I didn't have an answer by Thursday I was calling myself. I already have Will's date. Connor said he didn't want his dad there. I told him I was sure his teachers would respect his wishes like they did in middle school. Too little, too high handed and too late for Sean.

p.s. Sofie napped for 4 hours yesterday. Still recovering from her weekend.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Toad

1 comments Posted by perphila at 8:42 AM

When all is said and done can anybody tell me what the result of Connor's maybe visit is?

oh...take a guess.

He's not going. Why? After my last post I talked with Connor and he confirmed what he had said the day before that the plan was to come home on the 5:45 but he asked if things went well if he could stay to the 9:30 boat or until Saturday morning. I said that was fine and told him I had emailed his dad and would email him back asking if that was ok with him too and to let Sean know it was ok with me. At least I would know where Connor was. I emailed Sean and told him everything and asked if it was ok if Connor chose to could he stay longer? I also said again that if I didn't hear from him by 8pm then Connor wasn't going at all. That was at 4:30. Around 7:45 there was still no email from him. A few minutes later Sean calls. I answer and he asked for Connor. He did not talk to me at all about the plans. They talked a few minutes than Connor hung up. I asked him what the plan was and he said he wasn't going. He said his dad said "something came up" and he bailed. I was thinking about the earlier email Sean had sent me and it sounded to me like Sean had plans for Connor to spend the night. Had Sean forgotten them but confirmed to "save face" then said something came up? Connor had asked if he could come over on Saturday instead but Sean said no. What? It takes too much effort to try and figure out what Sean is thinking. Maybe he had the intentions (I hate that word) of seeing Connor but when push comes to shove he chooses his new family over his kids every time. Dunno. What a pain in the behind to go through the emails and waiting and parenting issues for ....nothing. What a toad.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Memories

1 comments Posted by perphila at 9:48 AM

Later this week I will be in a place where Sean and I visited a lot. I have a lot of years of memories there with him and Will and Connor. It almost seems like a different life before Cade was born. We were young and both working hard. Sean had his ups and downs and a lot of problems feeling he wasn't good enough, not doing enough, was going to be a bad father. He was hurtful to me during those times pushing me away and said hurtful things but he was faithful and I respected his efforts. Knowing what I know now I can see the bipolar episodes for what they were. The failures and the overextending of himself. The days on end with little to no sleep. The other days of sleeping and we had to be quiet or he would rage. He thought he was too much like his dad during those times and was afraid he would become abusive or alcoholic. We just reminded him of all his good points and got him through it. How naive.

I will be in a place where we did fun things with the kids and alone. A place where we laughed. A place I went a lot with my father and at first didn't want to share with Sean. I didn't want to go to the places I went with my dad and open myself up in that way. I did though. I wanted to share it with the kids and it became exciting. I knew the reason I didn't want to share before was because I knew odds were against us and if things went bad I would be sad. The more I loved him and the more I trusted him the easier it was to open up. Once the kids were born I trusted even more. I wanted Sean to be a part of my life and past and future. I really thought that no matter what fights we might have or bad times we could work through anything. I never once thought he would actually be out of my life, out of the kids life. I feel so sad to be looking forward to not seeing or hearing from him for two weeks in a row when there are no visits.

I waver between wanting to be there and not. I want to go back and build new fun memories with the kids but I also know the older boys will feel bad too. Still, they were little and hopefully not remember as much. They don't like being reminded of what their dad used to be like. I really can't comprehend how a parent can change so completely. If I can't how can they? Anyway, going doesn't bother me as much as before. I suppose next year or whenever I get back it will hurt less. I hope I can be reminded of the good times with a smile more than feeling like crying soon. I also don't want to get so wrapped up in the day to day divorce crap I forget he is sick. He needs help. I no longer feel like I need to be the one to help him. I just don't want to just think of him as a creep. It helps to keep me calm and less angry and reasonable to deal with the next problem he deals us with when I remember the place he is coming from. It helps me more than anything. It also helps the kids.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Son of a ....sigh

1 comments Posted by perphila at 2:57 PM

It's been a busy few days. I was in town all day Thursday and Friday. Thursday was a whirlwind with ALL the kids with me. I took a wrong turn to the dentist and we were five minutes late. I was stressed and it was only 8am. I checked the email before we left the house and Sean sent me an answer to the therapy question (when he was available) but nothing about the dental insurance. After a long chat with the ladies at the dental office. I paid the bill and when they get the dental info it will be submitted and then I will be reimbursed. Here's the catch, one of many, I still don't have the info. I gave Sean until this Friday to tell me. I didn't tell him what I would do. I no longer tell him about consequences. It doesn't work. Why keep stinging my hand on the electrified doorknob that is Sean? I will just do it. My plan is to call the school and flat out tell them who I am, about the court order and ask for the info myself. If they don't tell me anything, call DHHS and see what they say. In the meantime, I am calling the lawyer on Monday to schedule an appointment for next week. I was supposed to see him on Thursday at 2pm but Sofie got car sick 10 minutes before I was to see him. I called and told him what was going on. He has small kids and had no problem understanding. I cleaned her up and made the next boat home so we got home at 4pm instead of 7pm like planned. I can ask him about what to do about the dental stuff too. The boys stayed in town and saw their aunt and came home on the 7pm ferry. SO, the dentist was $463. Then Cade needed new lenses and that was another $132. I am just lucky I had the money but it was for the car repair so now I am screwed on that for another month. THEN if the insurance reimburses the dental (it doesn't do the glasses) since it is in Sean's name guess who they will send the money to? Do YOU think I will get the money then without some kind of intervention? I am sure it will be MONTHS before I get that money back. As for the glasses, Sean has to pay me in 30 days or I send the bill to DHHS and it will still take months I am sure to get the money for that. I feel like I am so mired in all this "crap" I can't move on. I can't let stuff go that has to go. I can see things changing of course. I am not explaining as much and I am not being so nice. Not mean though. Just, point A, B, C, the end when I inform Sean of stuff. I KNOW he hasn't given me the dental stuff because he is mad at the whole DHHS thing. He is being abusive financially just like they explained in the women's only divorce group I went to. How much is divorce issues and how much is his bipolar? I dunno. What I do know is that even though he wasn't the best with money before the bipolar now he is just unreal. SO much debt and so many lies. Before he always paid the bills and made sure we were ok. He didn't do great with saving, I did that but we never wanted for anything that was needed. It's just so tiring.

Friday Cade had therapy and we talked about difficult conversations again. We cut back to every other week and talked about respect issues. Things are getting to a breaking point with Cade though. We talked about what the criteria for ending sessions should be and we thought being able to handle transitions (of any kind not just with seeing Sean) without being overwhelmed was a good goal. Since Cade doesn't want to see his dad as much and is really beginning to complain big time about having to go I don't think Cade is nearing the closing goal yet. I let Cade complain but he knows I will take him to see his dad period. If he wants to not go he HAS to talk to his dad and discuss it with him and I will comply with their decision. At the moment it has been working out to every other weekend although I don't think either of them has realized it yet. It has been like that for about a month and a half. We'll see what happens next week. Also on Friday was swim lessons. Sofie had her first session. She was so cute. She is a little skittish about her teacher. Her teacher is great though she taught Connor and Cade too. Sofie didn't get into the water much. She had her feet in and got on her tummy and slid in some but as soon as the teacher got near she scampered away like a spider. Sofie also kept putting her goggles on and dunking her head in. I thought she was going to go head first into the watet but she didn't. I was right beside and and the teacher was close by the whole time so I wasn't too worried. Still, she said she had fun and that she was going into the pool next week. I think she just has to get used to her teacher. Cade was moved into the next class for more advanced swimmers and he is very excited. Sean of course never came. The friend of mine who died recently (his name is Robert) was really missed. He was always such a huge presence there mostly because he was one of the few dads who would come. Sean used to come to every class so when he just stopped coming the other moms were really mad at him for the kids sake. Anyway, his daughter Ella wasn't there this week. Her mom wasn't able to bring her. She is trying too hard to do everything herself right now. I did the same thing when Sean first left. I didn't want any one's help. I know the other moms would bring Ella. Hopefully she will be there next week. She is in Sofie's class.

On the walk to the baylines to meet up with Sean (he picked up Cade and Sofie this week) I told Cade that I saw Jessica (an island friend who is Connor's age) the other day and she said hi. Cade started laughing. I had no idea what was so funny and asked him. He said, "Did you know she goes to Deering high school?" (That is the school Kathryn "teaches" at) I said no. Then Cade said, "She has Kathryn as a teacher." Me: "oh really." Cade: " Yeah, she was just telling us ( us meaning a bunch of other island kids who all hang out together in the square)all her teachers names and mentioned her and I asked Jess what she though of her." Me: "oh?" Cade, "Yeah. (pause) Can I have permission to swear?" Me: "What? Why?" Cade: " Well, I want to tell you what Jess said." Me: "uh oh, is Jess swearing again?" Cade: "Well, you know how it is." Cade shrugged. You see Jess and her little brother are great kids. However every kid has a vice it seems and for them it is their language. Their parents swear a lot and so that is what Cade means by, "you know how it is". My kids know I disapprove of the bad language but they are helpful, kind and loyal kids and I figure that makes up for it. I just remind mine that I don't want THEM swearing. So, I though about it....and said, "Well, you know I don't approve but this ONE time I guess you can. BUT you have to whisper it." So Cade leaned in and said, "Jess said she was a fucking bitch and Jess and was real mad too." Me: "No. She said that! Why is she so adamant?" Cade: "Jess said she assigns them stuff and the WHOLE class does the work and when they hand it in she doesn't even remember she assigned it and and gets mad at them telling them they are playing a prank on her. I mean like what kids would do homework on purpose they didn't have to right? She has done it twice now. Then she acts like all the kids lover her and tells them how great a teacher she is. They just laugh at her and she thinks they are laughing with her not AT her. The other teachers don't like her and are always fixing her mistakes with hall passes and stuff or helping the other kids try and understand her worksheets because she explains them five different ways. Jess called her other names too just not as bad like dirt bag and other stuff I can't remember. Jess said she has some tough teachers and nice ones but ALL the kids call her the, well...the you know." I didn't say anything for a minute then said, " Does Jess know who she is to you?" Cade, " She didn't. I told her and Jess said well, there's another reason why she is such a witch with a b. Now the kids will like her even less." Me: "How did that make you feel?" Cade: "Well, I always knew she was stupid. I mean do you even KNOW how many times she has lost things...in the freezer? Like her cell? She puts her knife in the plugged in toaster so many times and hasn't gotten zapped I wonder if getting zapped is just a myth. I am glad someone else hates her like I do. I guess I am glad someone sees her for who she really IS without even knowing what she has done to me or Sofie or Will. She acts like she is perfect but let me tell you, when she thinks we are asleep she has a mouth. You think what Jess said was bad? I have heard words I don't even know what they mean mom. She just swears and says means stuff about people. She's a flat out hypocrite! And dad, dad doesn't say anything. He just lets her rant. She is a swearing vampire. By the light of day her nice mask come on and at night the evil swearing vampire comes out to make every one's ears bleed!" I lost it. I truly did. I know mom handbook 101, DON'T laugh at your kids when they make fun of others ESPECIALLY the other parent or step parent but his speech was so darn......oh my goodness, swearing vampire? I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee. Once I was calm. I told him I was sorry and that I shouldn't have done that. He asked me not to tell his dad or Kathryn he had said those things. I said I wouldn't but he should tell Jay (his counselor) about the swearing and how he feels Kathryn is two faced and maybe Jay had some ideas on how to deal with it. Cade said he would think about it.

As for therapy for Sean and me...it's over. I told Sean when I could meet him. Fridays any time between 9am and 1pm and he said he could meet at 4pm. I would have Sofie then so that wouldn't work and the counselor couldn't meet then either. I called her back and told her what Sean said in his email and she said she understood my reasoning for why I picked the day I did and knew I had to work for the kids especially without getting the child support. Sean could have offered once a month if he was working or tried to come up with another plan but his effort is lacking and so she was going to close the case. I told her I would email him and let him know and that was that. Another thing I have to talk to the lawyer about next week. Do I need to amend the divorce? *sigh*

I guess I will go have some dinner now.

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
Gustave Flaubert (1821 - 1880)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

What a busy week so far

0 comments Posted by perphila at 9:41 AM

Well, I got a call back from the lawyer. Sean's lawyer has withdrawn from him because of non-payment so he is on his own. The hope was that my lawyer would call his lawyer and then she would remind Sean of his obligations and along with a letter informing him of the intent to file a motion of contempt if he didn't comply with the court order for the taxes might motivate him to pay it or even call the IRS himself and make some kind of arrangement. So since Sean no longer has a lawyer I am going to be on my own I think. I have an appointment to see the lawyer tomorrow but he is going to call me this afternoon and we'll see what the next move should be. I can't hire him. He is helping me this much because he is appalled with Sean. I would have to file contempt myself. I suppose I could try the free lawyers but it takes a long time to get one. I tried it before I got the one I have now and I have a short amount of time before the extension for the taxes run out. The lawyer said he would help me with the contempt papers. It is so nerve wracking. I suppose I will call the free lawyers anyway and see what they say after I talk with my lawyer today. IF I hired the lawyer he would ask for legal fees from Sean but I don't have the upfront money. I have to put my thinking cap on and see what I can come up with. I don't want to spend more than it would cost to just pay the taxes myself in the first place just to prove a point. That would be stupid. I just don't understand why no on sees how much his life is falling apart. How DOES he hide everything? How much is that woman enabling him to the point where he looks like he is doing ok? I hope things go ok for me today. I am feeling nervous.

Oh yeah, I also had to email Sean about if he was available to have sessions on Friday. I told him he had to get back to me by Thursday. After I talked with the counselor about doing these sessions or not I told her it wasn't her. I just felt Sean was not being honest and the lack of follow through was not building trust like the sessions were supposed to help build but doing the opposite and making trust erode even further. It is better to not have sessions and have hope that things might be better for the kids sake than just be able to accept things for what they are and that is that Sean says one thing and does whatever he wants. It is easier to just not count on his words and accept his actions good or bad. I told her I would want her to hold him more accountable. If he says he will do something then doesn't then have him answer the tough question of why? I will not accept, "I tried." anymore. Try and tried are "out" words so you can get out of responsibility. I think the point of using those words are the fact they aren't used often. Then they have true meaning and the effort you put in shows. Sean on the other hand says he tried with a shrug and a snicker. The meaning, the effort, is missing. I am willing to accept reasons but not excuses. He didn't even bother with excuses. So, I doubt he will get back to me. He still hasn't answered me about the dental insurance I need for tomorrow so I am not holding my breath. I told the counselor that I would call her Friday with his answer (if he even gives one) and if he has the time then we can try if he doesn't or doesn't answer we will close the case and I will have to call the lawyer again to have the divorce amended. Yak.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Now what do I do?

1 comments Posted by perphila at 9:07 AM

Thursday is a big doctor day. All the kids, including Sofie see the dentist. Then Cade has his therapy. I told Sean all about the dentist six months ago, then a few months ago in a session, then he said I was bitchy in an email where I reminded him again about the dentist after he ASKED me when it was going to be. He SAID he has dental insurance and would send me the cards a while ago and yet I have nothing. I told him to at least send the info for it and he can send the cards later so I can tell the dentist. Nothing. So, I sent an email asking again this morning.

That's the good news. Now for the concerning news. Last night I caught Sofie jumping on the bed. I told her to stop and she stopped and began crying saying, "oh, I'm sorry, so very very sorry!" Well, that was weird. After I calmed her down and told her I didn't want her jumping because she could get hurt she seemed ok. Then I asked her why she was so scared. She said when she was at dad's that she was jumping on the bed playing daddy door ( a game where she shouts that phrase while jumping on the bed taught to her by the girl. It drives Cade nuts since they do it at 6am and the adults don't get up to stop them) and Kathryn saw her and shouted to Sofie to stop then shook her, threw her to the bed and dragged her off. Sofie showed me what happened by acting it out. Sofie was shaking herself so hard she hit the wall. Then Sofie told me she had been scared. You would think I would have been angry but I was just shocked. I thought about what to do. Should just call DHHS now? Should I email and tell Sean what Sofie said happened and say if I heard something like this again I would call DHHS? I slept on it and this morning I sent Sean an email asking about the dentist, I mentioned Connor and that to avoid any trouble in the future Sean should email me if he has plans with Connor that fall outside of a normal visitation weekend (not that Connor goes). If Connor had just not shown up at home I would have called to police. Now sure, Connor is 14 and could have told me if he had plans with his dad. He didn't have them btw, Sean was just acting confused again. (Right, no bipolar memory problems there.) It just seems to make more sense to have the parents be on the same page. After all, when Connor tells me he has plans with his dad I email Sean to confirm them. Not that I think Connor is a bad seed or anything but he is a teenager. He could tell me he is meeting up with his dad and instead go off with friends or go to some party and I would be none the wiser if I didn't double check with Sean. Of course Sean would probably give him permission to go an orgy for all I know but still, I can only do so much. After asking for Sean to let me know about Connor I then mentioned what Sofie had said. I said how Sean asked in a session he wanted to know if there were any concerns and so ...this is a concern. I didn't accuse I simply told him what she said and that she had been crying and seemed scared. I didn't say anything about DHHS. I figure that would just be considered threatening and I can just call them on my own if I felt I needed to and avoid trouble. I told Sean to handle things as he saw fit. He likes power...let him think he has it. I may know he won't do anything about it. I know he would rather blame Sofie and her age and say she was exaggerating than open his eyes and see that woman does NOT love our kids and is hurtful to them verbally and now it seems leaning to the physical with Sofie. I know she hasn't done anything to Cade after he told her if she touched him he was calling 911. Sofie is still so little. One day and one step at a time. I know at least I am doing what I should by keeping Sean informed and that is what he asked and if he doesn't like it that's too bad. I know at least he can't use that argument (that I don't tell him things) against me in court if he should try and do that.

I have other calls to make today. I am going to call the counselor that sees both Sean and I and make my final call. I emailed Sean and asked him if we continued what day and time would be ok with him weeks ago and he never responded so I guess that's that. I am also calling the lawyer today and asking about what we should do about contempt of court about the taxes. Fun. Fun.

Today is a Parent Teacher Committee meeting today too. I have to bring Sofie and the boy I babysit with me. That should be fun too.