Our Island Family Life

Later this week I will be in a place where Sean and I visited a lot. I have a lot of years of memories there with him and Will and Connor. It almost seems like a different life before Cade was born. We were young and both working hard. Sean had his ups and downs and a lot of problems feeling he wasn't good enough, not doing enough, was going to be a bad father. He was hurtful to me during those times pushing me away and said hurtful things but he was faithful and I respected his efforts. Knowing what I know now I can see the bipolar episodes for what they were. The failures and the overextending of himself. The days on end with little to no sleep. The other days of sleeping and we had to be quiet or he would rage. He thought he was too much like his dad during those times and was afraid he would become abusive or alcoholic. We just reminded him of all his good points and got him through it. How naive.

I will be in a place where we did fun things with the kids and alone. A place where we laughed. A place I went a lot with my father and at first didn't want to share with Sean. I didn't want to go to the places I went with my dad and open myself up in that way. I did though. I wanted to share it with the kids and it became exciting. I knew the reason I didn't want to share before was because I knew odds were against us and if things went bad I would be sad. The more I loved him and the more I trusted him the easier it was to open up. Once the kids were born I trusted even more. I wanted Sean to be a part of my life and past and future. I really thought that no matter what fights we might have or bad times we could work through anything. I never once thought he would actually be out of my life, out of the kids life. I feel so sad to be looking forward to not seeing or hearing from him for two weeks in a row when there are no visits.

I waver between wanting to be there and not. I want to go back and build new fun memories with the kids but I also know the older boys will feel bad too. Still, they were little and hopefully not remember as much. They don't like being reminded of what their dad used to be like. I really can't comprehend how a parent can change so completely. If I can't how can they? Anyway, going doesn't bother me as much as before. I suppose next year or whenever I get back it will hurt less. I hope I can be reminded of the good times with a smile more than feeling like crying soon. I also don't want to get so wrapped up in the day to day divorce crap I forget he is sick. He needs help. I no longer feel like I need to be the one to help him. I just don't want to just think of him as a creep. It helps to keep me calm and less angry and reasonable to deal with the next problem he deals us with when I remember the place he is coming from. It helps me more than anything. It also helps the kids.