Our Island Family Life

Well, you guys remember my mystery smell? Over the past few weeks the smell has disappeared. It was there pretty much all summer. It was really driving me nuts. Last night we found....the source. How stupid and embarrassing. When I go shopping, especially in the summer the food has to travel a long time. If I go shopping at 8am for example then the food has to sit at the store, then the bay lines, the ferry and then home. The food gets to the island at 4pm. So that's about 8 hours or so. Now I am sure you know that poses a problem for cold items. I bring with me a cooler and hot cold bags for those things. Now, I don't always get to do the shopping on a banana box day as well call it. Sometimes I have to pick up one or two things and I bring with me a big insulated bag that Sean got from Whole Foods when he was here and thought he "had" to shop there for organics. Stupid. I digress, anyway, the last time I used it was a while ago since once the summer started I really tried hard to just do the shopping on the banana box days to save time for myself and scheduled all my appointments on that day. When I bring food home we have a system of getting it put away. Connor and Cade usually unload the boxes, coolers and bags. Will, Sofie and I put things away. Then Will and Connor put the cooler and hot cold bags away. They do that because there is a high shelf above the freezer in the pantry where we put them that is hard for me to reach without a ladder but the boys can reach easier than me. Last night Will was hiding something (he does that a lot) and asked me where he should put it. I said why not the Whole Foods bag? It was big enough to hide the object in question and up high where it was not likely to be found. So he got the bag down and found....the source. After Will was able to calm himself down (he almost threw up) we deduced this is what must have happened....during the chaos of unpacking someone (Cade or Connor) must have forgotten or missed..the source...and then when we thought everything was put away Will or Connor put the bag up on the high shelf with...the source...still inside. It never occurred for any of us to look inside the bag. We knew the smell was close to the pantry and so we had checked the shelves and behind the freezer and every nook and cranny. We bleached the floor and stuffed a mouse hole. Nothing. So as I say, why it didn't occur to me to check the bag makes me feel foolish. Of course by the time the smell began I hadn't used the bag in a while so I didn't think there might be something in it. So, what was it?

A package of chicken.

Yuck. There was very little leakage. It was wrapped tight in plastic. On a scarier note, except for the smell (which was NOTHING compared to what it was) it looked just fine. Shouldn't it look...really bad? Was it preserved in some way? It was chicken that had been pre-cut for stir fry by the butcher so it wasn't frozen before or anything. The smell was at this point only in the bag itself. I felt bad about the waste. I was bit angry it was overlooked because of that more than the smell. Still we were all to blame. Cade and Connor for leaving it in the bag. Will for putting the bag away without noticing it was still there. Me for trusting them to do the job correctly and not noticing it was missing in the first place. So, mystery solved. Last night I just told Will to put the whole thing outside. It was late and I wasn't going to deal with it. This morning, I disposed of the creepily healthy looking meat and scrubbed the bag. The bag was pretty clean looking but the smell remained. Now it is outside drying and airing out.

On another note, my sitter for the weekend had to bail. Her mom got sick and so had to go away for the weekend. I hope she will be ok. They are going to make sure it isn't the "bad" flu or pneumonia. Since she is 84 both would be a very bad thing. So now I am scrambling. Ack. So is life right?

Also, I am a little stressed about Connor. He was scratching for a fight last night. As soon as he got home and confirmed he had done his homework he got on the xbox. I didn't have any chores for him so it wasn't a big deal. He was really mad at the game though. He was online with his friends and was losing to some other team so he was yelling and ranting at the screen. I told him to calm down and finally I just left the room. He was just annoying. Later I told him he was going to have to walk down to the store for me to get some milk and juice when it opened in about an hour. He said ok and I told him I would let him know. When it was close to the time Sofie asked if she could walk with him. Since Connor and Sofie rub each other the wrong way sometimes I thought it was a good idea she wanted to spend some time with him. I told her it was ok and to tell Connor she was going too and call him down to go. She went upstairs to tell him and was a little while. She came back and said Connor wasn't coming. I called up to him and he didn't answer. I called again and he said he was coming. I was starting to get bugged. I called him two more times and Sofie did too before he finally came to get his shoes on. Sofie was dressed and ready and I told him to take his time since Sofie walks slower. He said, "What? She's coming with me? No." I just looked at him and reigned in my quick burst of temper. I was so angry. His whole attitude was nasty. He was telling me, his mother what he was or wasn't going to do. He laughed outright. He was mad he was going and was nasty in asking what he was supposed to be getting even though I had already told him. I knew he was already in a bad mood from the game. I knew he pissed to be pulled away from it and wanted to get back as soon as possible and going with Sofie would only slow him down. I felt totally disrespected on SO many levels. I got his xbox and took it away. Well, that sent him into a nasty fit and he said he didn't even know why he was bothering to help me in the first place. He still didn't get it. I told him to just leave. I was too angry to speak coherently and told Sofie to stay. I wasn't going to send her with him when I knew he would take his anger out on her. She cried of course. Will took her outside to play which calmed her down and made her happy. Good thing she is easy to please. What was really nice was that I didn't even ask him to do that. He just took her because he hates seeing her cry. Connor came back in a huff saying the store was closed. I asked him if he checked the hours and he snarled back at me he did and they were closed on Wednesdays. I told him I didn't know they had changed their hours. He said he lost the xbox for nothing. He was in tears. I told him it wasn't for nothing. It was about respect and his lack of it. That of course led to him saying he couldn't talk to me with any explanations because I wouldn't listen or yell at him. It was pointless yada yada. I told him to try me. So he did. He was crying of course by then. He had said he was upset in the first place at the game, then Sofie was interrupting him and bothering him and he had to stop the game to "deal" with her, he had no idea he was supposed to take her and all he had said was no to me and I flipped out. I told him I already knew he was in a bad mood from the game. As a result of that we were going to discuss later some new ground rules about that. Also, I was the one who told Sofie to get him and tell him she was going. He then told me she didn't tell him and cried harder. I gave him a pretty hard stare and told him while that may be true it was also possible that she could have told him but he was so wrapped up in the game he either ignored her or didn't hear her. He was about to argue the point when I said that either way I now know he was surprised about her going when he came down and that we were also going have to discuss later his ability to listen closely to others if he was playing a game. Then I told him what bothers me more is not him saying no but the manner in how he did it. I told him I was fully aware that he wasn't always going to like or be happy doing the things I ask him to do for me or around the house. I expect that and understand that. I don't really like doing the dishes either for example but they have to be done and in this house we will all work together to get things done. Period. I told him that I could be just telling him what to do and hovering over his shoulder to make sure his chores got done but I was trying to do was show some respect for his age and that he growing up to ask that he does things and giving him my trust that the things will be done not only completely without my having to double check them but also in a timely manner. A timely manner means to do things when I ask them to be done and not hours later, the next day or not at all. I am giving him trust and respect and expect the same in return. That means I do not want to be snarled at, ignored, laughed at and disrespected not only as his mother but as a person. He said he didn't intend to make me or anyone angry or sad. I told him I knew that. I also told him I thought he had the biggest heart of anyone I know. He didn't believe me and said he was a jerk. I told him he wasn't a jerk but if he didn't start thinking about how his feelings affected his actions towards others he might be called that by other people who don't know him. I told him that I didn't want to be afraid of telling him how I feel or being able to tell him things I notice about how he behaves that he might not like because I was afraid we would fight. I didn't want him to not tell me what he was thinking because he might be afraid that we might argue. I told him that he was right I got angry with him seemingly real fast when he said no and I wanted him to know how I got there. My thoughts. Where my patience went to (besides Bermuda). I told him he had a pattern of behavior that I have come to expect from him simply because of his actions. He got mad and said I was missing the point that he always did the chores. I replied I did not miss that point at all. The fact that they didn't ALWAYS get done I was willing to overlook. The real problem was the path he takes to get them done. Part one is ignoring me, as how I viewed it. Although I know he hears me. He lets me know he understands what I ask of him. Then he does nothing for hours. I was quick to point out that this pattern I wanted to explain to him was not something he did ALL the time. Sometimes he did one thing and not another. Other times it was all the things. Sometimes he did none of them and did what I asked. If you had a chart of how often he did the things in the pattern though it was 8 times out of ten he did them. That was too much. After the ignoring comes the sarcasm and general nastiness. I really could do without that. Then comes the stall tactics. I have to go to the bathroom. The water's not hot. I have to save my game. I need a shower first. I should finish my homework. Whatever. They are excuses that stall for time because the next thing you know it's bed time or time for school or work and then he really can't do what I ask. The next thing I know it's left up to me and all the stress and fighting and hassle were for nothing since I am doing it anyway. When I see the pattern starting I beging to feel upset because I see where this is going All the promises that it will get done are broken. My trust and faith and respect I had given him are broken or thrown back at me. He may not even be aware of his actions but the pattern he is doing is a very manipulating one. He got mad and said sarcastically how he was fully aware and was intending to manipulate me. I narrowed my eyes at that. I told him he may or not be "aware". I am not him and don't know. What I do know is that this is exactly what that behavior is and it has taken me a very long time and some unfortunate experiences to be able to recognize that kind of behavior for what it is. I also know that sometimes I get so busy with my own things I fail to see what's going on until it's been going on for a while but when I do notice I will not let it happen to me or anyone else in my family if I can help it. He tried to compare how I treat him to Cade and Will. He said I favor Will. Now Will by this time had brought Sofie in and got her a snack and was watching a movie with her in my room so Connor and I could talk. I told Connor that they all have the same basic set of rules, after that I do treat them a little differently because they are different people with different needs, like, dislikes and personalities. To treat them all the same I felt was disrespecting them as the individual people they are and I had hoped as they got older they would appreciate and understand that. I already knew Will did. Will and I had this talk before. Connor then said Will was almost 18 and would be leaving soon and it didn't make sense I was asking him to do stuff around the house. What? Is he serious? He really thought Will should just be allowed to do what he wants. This of course was Connor trying to get me off topic even if he didn't realize it. I answered him anyway. I told him first off Will is still 16 thank you very much, even if he was 18 he would be doing what he is doing now. Second, he still lived here and as such is a part of our family and is expected to pitch in and do his share. Third, I only have to ask for Will's help some of the time. He does far more than his share and more than Connor does. Will does things around the house without me even asking. He sees something needs doing and does it. He understands what it means to help each other out. I pointed out Will wasn't perfect. He is stubborn, never makes his bed, leaves his clothes all over the bathroom stuff like that. I also don't like how Will treats Connor on occasion. Still, the point is being able to learn to share, live with others, cooperate. I told Connor that if he is ever feeling angry and stressed and needed time alone that was understandable and he can tell me. I can help him to get space when he needs it by keeping his siblings away for a while. I told him not to compare himself against his brothers but focus on his own behavior. He said he didn't care about how Will treats him. I really doubt that. I just told him that I cared. I wanted them to be able to count on each other when they grew up. The four of them together as family. The bonds they make now are so very important. So, anyway, we had some consequences for his rudeness. Made a new limit on the xbox. I'm sorries were said. I was exhausted emotionally. I had a headache. Will never got his homework done because he was with Sofie which made me feel worse. He got up at 4am to do it because it had to be done online at the school blog. I'm still tired and my head still hurts.

Respect a man, he will do the more.
James Howell