Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Why do good people have to die and sleazy deadbeats get to walk the earth? I think I am in some stage of grief again but who the heck knows which one. I haven't been around lately because I just haven't felt like doing anything. I felt stressed just thinking about turning the computer and and then looking at my email. I haven't done anything but clean, clean, clean. I did babysit because it was the least stressful thing I could do and still not feel guilty about not working enough. I have read every spare moment I have had to stave of thinking about the whole unfair death issue and trying not to cry. Either from sadness or stupid stupid allergies. Since my last post someone I knew died. He was a good husband and a great dad. His wife lost her job the week before and now she has lost him too. We talked on the boat and he always brought his daughter to swim and he gave Sofie apples and he was the first guy she called dad after Sean left. She was so shy but he was so kind to her. He was visiting his parents and was killed. Bike accident. I wasn't the only one out here who cried. Cade was shocked and knows his little girl well. Sometimes things just tip. There is just one too many things going on and you just have had enough. This week I have had enough. I need to refocus I know but right now I am just angry at the injustice of it. Such a wonderful person and then I think of Sean. Not that I want him hit by a car but I think of the scales and it seems really....really unfair. Do I want my kids to lose their dad? Sometimes. I have to be honest. Sometimes I wish he would just die and then the kids could grieve and move on and not keep getting hurt over and over. I just feel so awful for his wife and daughter right now. He was so young.
2 comments:
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. I have to say, I've wondered the same thing....it just doesn't seem fair. You just never know what the future holds....
In some ways, what you went through was worse than the death of a spouse, because you had a spouse, and then he turned into this vile thing....so you lost your husband too, but for me, it's just as hard to understand as a death....it's ok to grieve--for both of them....
I hope you are feeling better soon. I'll be thinking of you and the kids....
Thanks. I am doing better. I do grieve for Sean. Almost everyday. Cade said something along those lines when I told him about his friends dad. It was off the cuff and unthinking but was so open and honest. He said, "I feel so bad for Ella. I know how she feels. My dad died too. I mean, not really but...really." I guess that says it all.
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