Our Island Family Life: depression

Friday, December 18, 2009

Crafts and Insanity

0 comments Posted by perphila at 9:44 AM

I never did say how craft day went did I? Well, it was fun. Sofie was great, behaved and did all the crafts. She made a necklace and threaded the beads all by herself. It was a craft of one the teachers did and she was impressed at Sofie's hand eye coordination. The boy I babysit was there. It is so interesting to see how different he is when he isn't here. When he is here is listens, shares, takes a nap without a fuss and is rather quiet. I mean he is loud in the sense he is always making noise. Car noises and humming or taking but not yelling or screaming, that kind of thing. Well, he was running and loud and trying to touch everything. He tried to take other peoples crafts. His dad was working on a car craft (his mom was working) so I got up and took the crafts he took back from him and put them back on the table. He was not pleased but when he saw it was me taking them he tried to run away. I picked him up and got him working on another craft. I had to redirect him quite a few times and he tried to wiggle away a few times. Ack. So, when he was running and crazy Sofie wanted to do it too. I made her sit. I'm just glad she didn't get too upset since it was her nap time. Otherwise, a good time was had by all.

Connor came home from school and said he went and asked to talk to the school social worker. I am glad he did it on his own. I was going to call her today myself to ask her to talk to him. Now I just have to make a follow up call. He said he told her about what was going on. She asked him why he was missing days and he told her, "I don't know that's why I am talking to you." Nice huh? Well, it could be worse and has been. He is struggling and trying and that is more than he did last year. I don't think he understands or sees the patterns in his behavior. If his therapy doesn't go well he may need meds. Seeing as how it seems to be seasonal. Maybe he needs light therapy or we should be looking at SAD. Lots of possibilities. There are a lot of things I could do for him. Not in the good way either. I want to help him but not do his work for him. If there is anything I learned from Sean and his bipolar and depression is that Connor has to help himself. I need to be a support. I need for him to know I am here and love him and will do what I can but I can't live his life for him. It hurts me, but right now even though things are not that great I am optimistic. What really bothers me is what could happen if his dad tries to get involved. The last time he tried to "help" I had to wait two months before Connor could get his pdoc consult. They tend not to want to see people when the parents threaten to sue them. Good thing they are used to seeing that type of behavior. It was pure dumb luck that Connor was able to pull out of it on his own. It would have been nice if it hadn't taken almost 5 months. I am sure if I had been able to get him help when I tried to instead of later because of his dad the time it took would have been shorter. I wonder if the pdoc could have seen Connor when he was really bad if what he is going through now could have been prevented? Since his dad is in denial of his own mental health issues and from the last I knew still not taking his meds his involvement is problematic. His concern is haphazard at best. Not good when consistency is what Connor needs right now. Today I had to get Connor to eat. He just "wasn't hungry". I impressed upon him how his mood would improve with some protein in him. Not to mention give him some healthy energy and help his headache go away. He thinks I am too pushy and worrying for nothing. That just makes me frustrated. He has a headache and then does nothing to make himself better? No food, fluid or Tylenol? Nothing? Well, I got him full of that stuff and we had another little talk. I kept it short. I don't want to do the lectures. It doesn't help and he tunes out anyway. Short, sweet and show some concern seems to work better and gets him to do what I ask without much fuss. I hate how clinical that sounds and not like real sincere concern but I have to do what works. How can I even get ahead in other things like working and thinking about what I need to do for my own life when this stuff keeps popping up? One step at a time. Amazingly I am not really stressed out about that stuff today. I don't know why but I'm going to go with that...:)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

New Day, New Stress

1 comments Posted by perphila at 8:39 AM

Sometimes I can't believe there was actually a time in my life where I could wake up, enjoy my morning and have a whole day, whole days when things were normal. Little to no stress at all. Things I had heard other people complain about like crying babies or what to make for dinner and helping the kids get homework done never phased me at all. I would get bored with it from time to time but I was very rarely stressed.

I wasn't even fully conscious this morning when Connor woke me up and told me the boat left without him. I told him to leave me alone. I was furious. Instead I just lay there and berated myself for not calling his therapist last week. Then in that half sleeping state I realized this was the same thing and the same time of year he had holed himself in his room before. Am I a stupid idiot or what? November, December, January and February were hell. Maybe I didn't notice as much because he is admittedly liking school, is more social than before and has a better handle on how he deals with arguments with his siblings. It still happens of course but less often and he usually isn't an instigator like he used to be. He is still pretty detached from the rest of the family but it's improving.

So, I got up for the day I made a big breakfast for everyone. Will was the only one not home. Cade was getting ready for school and my work was cancelled again for the day. I spoke with Connor while I was cooking and told him I wasn't going to beat him over the head with a huge conversation. I told him at 9am he was going to call his therapist himself and schedule an appointment. Even if it's a long way out before he can get in. He nodded. I then told him that when this all started he wasn't getting up on time. We tried different strategies and now after a few failed attempts he was now getting up in time to get ready to leave and in plenty of time to make the boat. One of the big things I was pushing was that he needed to be able to do this himself. I would help him plan, brainstorm and I even paid for a new alarm clock just for him. What I would not going do is get him up myself. After all, he is going to be 15 next month. He isn't going to have his mother around to wake him up for work every day for the rest of his life. I really would like a speaking alarm clock where he could hear me telling him to wake up. That would be really funny.

Anyway, the issue now is that he doesn't leave in time and the boat leaves while he is almost there. Then he has to turn around and walk all the way home. He blames the boat. I want him to be able to see he needs to take personal responsibility for missing the boat and not blame something else. We made sure the clocks were set to bay lines time. I told him he needed to leave when Will does. So far, not much luck. I am thinking of setting the clocks ahead but then that would defeat the purpose of his own responsibility. What bugs me is that people do sometimes miss the boat. Your clock might be off. You might misjudge the time. The car doesn't start and you have to run. Things like this do happen from time to time. Various reasons. The thing is, for the rest of us this happens only once in a while. A couple of times a year maybe. Connor is taking advantage of something that can happen and people can agree has happened to them before. Sean does that. He winds up getting out of things using plausible excuses. I do not want Connor going down the same path. Sean also blames others and other things than being responsible for his own actions and Connor is doing the same thing when he blames the boat. I told Connor while we waited for the appointment we would try another strategy for leaving the house on time. He agreed. Also while he is at home he has to do chores all day. Being here isn't going to be better than being in school. He has to go to the school website and get his assignments and then work for me. Without complaining at all. I called him down to make the call. He was not happy. I could tell even though he wasn't overtly angry. He was just twitchy. He was walking around and around the table with the phone and rubbing his back. We are waiting for a call back now. After he hung up he tried to leave. I told him I wanted to talk to him about what days were good for an appointment. He barely listened and walked away while I was in mid sentence. I had to get him to calm down. Stand still and look me in the eye. I asked him if he was unhappy with making an appointment. He said he was. I reminded him this is what we had agreed to. He said he didn't agree he was being forced. I ignored that since it wasn't true and recognized it was just his mood. I asked him if he thought missing school was good for him. He said no. Then he tried to say how therapy wasn't going to help him and there was nothing wrong with him. I didn't think it was a good idea to remind him that he did this before. Instead I told him I didn't think there was something "wrong" with him. He could tell me he was fine all he liked. What I wanted him to understand was I had to make my decisions based on actions and outcomes. I know he has good intentions and is fully capable to make up his work. The current results I have to work with are: he is missing days which if he doesn't stop will force the school to hold him back a year, missed work which even though he made it all up for last trimester still caused his school website to be slow in catching up to reflect it, that in turn got his father on his case for the wrong reasons which was uncomfortable for everyone, it also made him choose study hall for his intensive week to make up his new missing work instead of something else he could have used for credit or for fun. I asked him if any of these things were good for him. He said no. I said based on this I am going to try any options open to me to help him. He said again it wouldn't help and we should keep trying different ideas. I said we would and that maybe his therapist would have ideas we haven't tried and maybe we could go further in the CBTherapy that would help as well. I told him we were having a longer conversation than needed because of his attempts to run away from me. He just gave me the usual uh huh thing. (Mental scream)

So, there it is. I am stressed about this but my money situation is getting pretty bad. I am trying to ignore it since there is little I can do about it now. I did call DHHS last week but I guess I have to call again. I wake up with headaches every morning because of this. At least today I'm not crying. I was a total mess yesterday. I wasn't focused on one thing. It was just everything. Like I said, it was just one of those days.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

what am I doing?

0 comments Posted by perphila at 9:25 AM

Yesterday afternoon was a bit crazy. I brought Sofie to the practice which was a mistake because now her cough is worse. Sean did tell me to keep the kids. I wasn't surprised. I made sure it was his choice though. I asked him to send some juice and medicine. He did but we didn't get it until 7pm. Better late than never I suppose. I think he is going to let them stay next weekend too. I wonder if this is because he is thinking of the kids welfare and community ties or just because it's the beginning of not having them come over anymore. I dunno and I don't have the thought capacity to think about it.

Connor was shut off in his room for most of the day yesterday. In the morning he told me he was going to go visit his dad. He said his dad had his hard drive and he wanted to go get it. He had been "too sick" to go to school that morning and now he thought he would just take off? Not even for a valid reason of seeing his dad but to get his hard drive which his dad could simply mail to him? Well, I said I had to reply to an email from his dad I would let him know Connor wanted to come over. Connor said his dad already knew. I asked him if he had already spoken with his dad and Connor said no but it was the weekend. Then he shrugged. I told him his dad had just told me to keep Cade and Sofie for the weekend and never once mentioned that Connor was coming over. I told Connor he knew the rules and I would have to talk to his dad and he would have to know Connor had been sick too. Connor started getting mad. I told him he had no reason to be angry but this was certainly something we would need to discuss in therapy. He then began to complain about that. I reminded him he had accepted the consequences of missing school again if he wasn't really "sick". I reminded him how he had badmouthed other people he knew who had done the same thing. How was he any better? There had to be a reason for him to think one way and act another. He said he had never said that. I said he had and told him right where he had sat the last time we had this discussion. He said, "prove it." Well, now he was just getting nasty. So, I said, "I shouldn't have to carry around a tape recorder when we talk to each other. So, if you are too sick to go to school then you are too sick to your dads. Get some juice and go to bed." He said, "Fine. I don't care." Then he spent the whole day in his room in bed doing nothing. ack. He is fine today and in a good mood. Good thing he is because my throat hurts and I am grumpy. I don't want to deal with any kind of crisis today.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Bottled Up

1 comments Posted by perphila at 9:04 AM

I am concerned about Cade. He was very upset last night. He cried for an hour and a half and in the end came away with a huge headache. He woke up with it this morning and is home now. I think he will be fine for school this afternoon. He was ok when he came home from the visit but Sean brought them home late and it was only an hour before bed time. Sean hadn't fed them and I didn't know until it was 1o minutes before bed. I am so stupid sometimes to assume he would take care of them properly. Connor hadn't eaten either but not because there wasn't food or anything. He was just being a teen. I told him he HAD to be in bed by 8pm and he HAD to eat. I am such and awful mom aren't I? I let Will stay up until 9pm if he wants but since Connor missed the boat twice for sleeping too late he has the 8pm rule. He was ok with that but he put off eating until 1o minutes before bed just like Cade. I told him he could warm up leftovers, have a bowl of cereal or make a sandwich. He was all attitude. I wasn't very happy. He just kept pushing and wouldn't stop opening his mouth to have the last word. I finally told him he needed to simply eat and go to bed in silence. Connor said, "oh I can't have feelings? I can't get angry?" He was shaking and looked furious and had tears running from his eyes. I said he was entitled to feel anything he wanted to feel. I wasn't however going to be the verbal punching bag for those feelings. It is disrespectful and rude and I simply am not allowing anyone to treat me that way. Not a stranger and not from family. I said I was well aware he was trying to push my buttons even if HE wasn't and it would be best if he stopped talking if he had nothing nice to say. I told him I needed to leave the room because I was so angry it was the best thing for both of us. He was quiet after that. Cade of course was right under foot for that and was making a sandwich. He had wanted a bowl of cheese balls and I had said no. It was almost bedtime and it was an obvious no. He got mad at me and yelled and said he was hungry. That was how I found out he hadn't had dinner. I had fed Sofie earlier because she had said she was hungry and Cade was upstairs when I fed her. It didn't occur to me to ask him (duh me) if she was hungry from not having dinner because she always comes home hungry. So, anyway, I told Cade the same thing I told Connor and he chose to make a sandwich since it was too late to cook something before bedtime. He ate then went to the bathroom. He was in there for a while. Connor had gone to bed. Will had fallen asleep on the couch so I left him there. He was all cozy and I didn't want to wake him. Sofie was in the spare bed in my room quietly watching a movie. It was now 10 past 8pm. I had gotten myself together and checked on Cade. He was crying. I had him come out and got a box of tissues and had him snuggle with me. I asked him if he could tell me what was wrong. During the thing with Connor I had said something that made Cade sad. I had said to Connor that all I wanted for him was to be healthy. To have food in his stomach and to be well rested for school. I know that seemed kind of stupid to him but that was my job and if he was mad at me for it then so be it. I didn't like it and it hurt but I loved him and wanted him to be ok. Cade said it made him sad because I was willing to be hurt and put Connor first. He said he knew I loved them. I wasn't sure why that was such a sad thing but didn't say anything. Then he got real mad and said how he had a horrible weekend. How he felt that his dad had cut Will and Connor out of his life. He never talks about them, mentions them, never tells other adults they even exist when he is asked about his kids. Some adults Sean has as friends now don't even know about Will and Connor. Cade said when he got there this weekend they had finally moved the bunk beds from his room, which were supposed to be for him and his brothers, and put them in the girls room. They took out the bed Sofie used and now she shares the bunk bed with the girl. The baby is in there as well in a crib. Cade got the girls old bed but his aunt is the one who uses it. She is there during the week to babysit the baby. No daycare for them. All of his aunts things are in his room. His stuff was moved and shoved into one corner. He said he felt like they are just getting ready to kick him out completely. He has no real space of his own. He tried to talk with his dad a few times this weekend but Sean either left the house or went to the bathroom. Every time his dad left the woman said really mean things to him. Cade was upset about the attention the girl was getting this weekend. It was her birthday and he was fine with that. She got two parties. One on Friday with "family" and one on Sunday with her friends. His cousin never showed up so he was alone. She got 8 presents. One for each year. It was a tradition I guess. Cade said how next year he should get 11 then. Kathryn said no because he wouldn't be there anyway. I have no idea if he will be or not. I didn't check the calendar. His dad was right there the whole time. Cade said to them he only got 2 presents this year. He should have gotten 10 right? She told him he didn't get them because he chose not to be there. He skipped out on that weekend. Cade was furious. He said he didn't. I had to think back and I remembered that his birthday was on a Friday that he had a weekend at home with me. We went to see my mom. He didn't skip out or call to stay with me. It was just the regular schedule. Then the following weekend he was there and I ran into Sean and the kids (OUR kids) at the store that Friday and Sean got a cake for him. Cade had been worried his dad would have forgotten his birthday altogether and thought he wasn't going to get anything from him. He was happy his dad got him the two gifts and the cake. Then he saw what she was getting. The parties and all the gifts. Kathryn told him he should just deal with it since he is ten. How stupid can they be? It's not about the amount of gifts at all. Cade cried and said how his dad loves Kathryn and the girl more than him and he is his own son. His dad said he would put him first but never sticks up for him. Always believes Kathryn over him. Lets her say mean things to him and lies to his face. How every single action his dad does just proves it over and over again and how his dads words mean nothing to him anymore. He said he felt half cut out of his dad's life already. I asked him if he thought going to see his dad more often would help? He said no. He said he felt like he had hardly any family on his dad's side anymore. He said his uncle and cousin and one aunt were all he had that talked to him and understood how he felt. The others are nice to Kathryn and believe her lies and phony surface. He said he couldn't believe he was going to say this but that his dad might be too good for her. Then after a pause he said maybe his dad was getting exactly what he deserved. Whoa. I just didn't know what to say. I was kinda numb through most of it. I was really furious for some of it. I thought about wanting to call Sean and ask to sit with him face to face and talk about this. Talk with Sean's parents and ask them to be more understanding. In the end I'm not going to. I might talk with them casually in the future but I don't think it will do any good. They want to please everyone and you just can't do that. As for Sean, well, if I say anything it will make things worse. He will just do the opposite out of spite. Also, as hard as it is, Sean and Cade have to be the ones who talk to each other about this. This is their relationship for better or worse. As much as I want to be a peacemaker, as much as I want Cade to stop hurting, as much as Sean might benefit from my insight into our sons feelings it means nothing if Sean doesn't do this himself. Cade asked if he could stop going there when he was 12. I said that it was an option but he shouldn't worry about that right now. He should should just focus on the now and trying to make the best of what is sometimes a bad situation. Cade said he would but he really wanted to know if he had an out, if he didn't then he would feel really depressed. That worried me. I don't want him feeling depressed because of his dad. Cade was saying how his life sucked and how his friends all have great lives and get to go places and he never can do anything anymore because of his dad. I told him I loved him and he cried and said he knew that. Right now Cade is quiet and and playing a game. He is pretty subdued even when he seems happy. He is off but that could just be his headache. I am glad Cade has therapy this week. Not that Sean goes anymore. I better make lunch now.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Trying to think clearly

1 comments Posted by perphila at 11:31 AM

Seems simple enough. Really though, the art of stepping back and thinking things through isn't all that easy. I still don't know if I should call Sean about the hair thing. Really I doubt it would achieve anything. It would probably piss him off and then it would something like, "I am her FATHER I can cut her hair if I want to. It's my RIGHT." even though he really could care less and it not even him who wants to do it. Let sleeping dogs lie I suppose. I have also been thinking about calling Cade's therapist. He was just so defeated yesterday. This morning he was sounding very sad about Halloween. He said he didn't even want to think about it. I asked him why and he said he doesn't want to tell his dad he wants to be on the island with his friends because he doesn't want his dad making him feel bad again. I asked him again that if he wasn't worried about how his dad was going to react what would he do? Where would he want to be? He said here because he gets a huge load of candy but also we have company coming for the weekend and he has some summer friends who are going to be out here for the holiday. He tries to keep in touch with them online but he's 10....it tough at that age. He doesn't want to miss out on any opportunity to hang with them. I doubt I would see him much myself even if he does stay..:) He says his dad is talking about Halloween and Cade just leaves the room. He is just overwhelmed and scared. I told him we should talk about this with his therapist on Friday and see if we can come up with another solution when it comes to having these tough conversations with his dad. Third party maybe? Does he want me there too? Would that be too uncomfortable? Does he want me to ask? What can I do, we do to ease this stress. God knows Sean isn't going to help. He hasn't even asked to come into any of Cade's therapy sessions since his started working again. Going on three months now. I asked him if he could take time off one day a month or during a lunch break or something. Never got a response. I have to think of what I can schedule that doesn't have Cade missing a lot of school. While he is having swim he is going in Friday morning. He has a half day on Fridays anyway in the afternoon. We go into town for swim lessons in the fall and spring. We can't do a session after swim because the kids meet with Sean for the weekend and by then it's too late in the day. Once swim is over then we can switch to the afternoons during what would be swim time. Maybe Sean will come then. Maybe if the therapist tells Sean he HAS to come to resolve this he might come. I should call the therapist first though before we get there so we have a topic ready to go. I worry about Cade getting depressed about everything. You would think after time he would be getting more adjusted but he really isn't. He is adjusted here at home to not having his dad around and stuff like that. The hard part is leaving here where he feels safe and listened to, to going there and getting either ignored or yelled at. Sometimes both at the same time. Yelled at by Kathryn and ignored by his dad. I have to go with my gut, I feel like something is off with him. *sigh*

With all this drama going on my head isn't where it should be. I had been thinking about Cade's winter coat and how I would be able to afford a new one. His old one needs it's zipper replaced and that's beyond my skill level. I thought I could take it to a dry cleaner or something. I heard they might fix it. I never use one so I was dreading finding a place. It would be cheaper than a new coat. Then yesterday I was finally dragging out the winter hats, boots and things and I sat down feeling like a dumb ass. I didn't need to be worrying about this at all. I had Connor's old winter coat he could use. I saved it just for this reason. It doesn't fit Connor anymore he out grew it. I felt like a real mental midget right then. Connor needs a new coat but he refuses to even consider it. He just wears layers upon layers of stuff. He is certainly warm enough so I am not going to sweat it. If he wants to look like the Michellan man so be it.

I got a call today for fuel assistance. They are booked into December and January. I am getting a full tank from the memorial fund this year so that should keep me going until the appointment. I still haven't turned the heat on yet. It's been getting cold at night but we are under the covers anyway. Will is worried about his plants. We move them at night to a smaller room and I turn in the space heater for a bit to warm the room up. I turn it off before bed. It keeps them warm for the night.

Still no money. I have to call DHHS this afternoon. I was too busy yesterday. I need a nap. I have the sniffles. I am fighting it off though. I'm not going to get sick!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Tired time to wallow

2 comments Posted by perphila at 6:45 PM

Why do good people have to die and sleazy deadbeats get to walk the earth? I think I am in some stage of grief again but who the heck knows which one. I haven't been around lately because I just haven't felt like doing anything. I felt stressed just thinking about turning the computer and and then looking at my email. I haven't done anything but clean, clean, clean. I did babysit because it was the least stressful thing I could do and still not feel guilty about not working enough. I have read every spare moment I have had to stave of thinking about the whole unfair death issue and trying not to cry. Either from sadness or stupid stupid allergies. Since my last post someone I knew died. He was a good husband and a great dad. His wife lost her job the week before and now she has lost him too. We talked on the boat and he always brought his daughter to swim and he gave Sofie apples and he was the first guy she called dad after Sean left. She was so shy but he was so kind to her. He was visiting his parents and was killed. Bike accident. I wasn't the only one out here who cried. Cade was shocked and knows his little girl well. Sometimes things just tip. There is just one too many things going on and you just have had enough. This week I have had enough. I need to refocus I know but right now I am just angry at the injustice of it. Such a wonderful person and then I think of Sean. Not that I want him hit by a car but I think of the scales and it seems really....really unfair. Do I want my kids to lose their dad? Sometimes. I have to be honest. Sometimes I wish he would just die and then the kids could grieve and move on and not keep getting hurt over and over. I just feel so awful for his wife and daughter right now. He was so young.