Our Island Family Life

Wonders never cease. I checked my bank account this morning and found an extra $600 in it. Not enough for rent but close. Did some digging and saw DHHS made an extra deposit. I don't know of Sean paid them himself or if there is a change in the withholding. I don't know why I got money yesterday and not the 23rd like I have been. I can't help but think if Sean wants to petition the court for Connor he is at least aware that being thousands of dollars behind in child support won't look too good. Maybe he made a deal to keep his license since I spoke to the case worker. I dunno. I like knowing but.....the girl scout in me wants to be prepared.

Ok, let's start with some good stuff. Connor had his therapy session (finally) yesterday. It went really well. I least I think it did..lol. Anyway, we talked about goals and Connor was asked point blank "what do you want?". He wants to go to school, likes school, likes his teachers (except one), has made friends. So, what is the problem? It is something that also concerns him. Is it his age? The need for extra sleep? He is getting nine hours a night as it is and then cat napping as well during the day. Is it the season and dark hours? Is it slight depression? That is why we are there. All of this in the hopes he will miss fewer days which will help to not burden him with extra work later. Connor is simply fortunate that he is smart enough that he catches up quickly without even putting much effort. I explained all the different strategies Connor and I have tried. Something might work for a while then not anymore so we try again. Consequences for somethings, positive reinforcement in others. All the while he has taken the initiative to see what he needs to make up and does it. The school work isn't the underlying problem so we are focusing on Connor's needs and his sleep issues. I can see another sleep study might be needed. It was nice for me anyway to see the therapist stress some of the same things to Connor I have. Eating a good breakfast, getting to bed early, have a routine, get as much done the night before. We discussed maybe taking a shower in the morning to help wake him up since even when he gets up he is like a zombie and is unresponsive. Showers aren't good though because he is in there forever and doesn't leave in time. I have to shut the furnace off and run the water to get him out. In the end we made a plan and set a date to come back and discuss how it went, plus and minus. I really wanted Connor to know I trust him and that I didn't want to micro manage his life for him. I wanting him to be able to apply himself and take personal responsibility for himself and his actions. I would be his support and guide but I wasn't going to be his alarm and I wasn't going to drag him by the ear down to the boat and get him on it. He is going to be 15 this month. The therapist told him that really the ball is in his court. He has to be the one who wants to do this if it's going to work. He has a goal of one week without a missed day and if he does it he can reward himself. I threw in that he wouldn't have to do dishes (his least favorite chore) and he could chose something else. Soooo.....I was feeling good. Connor was feeling good and excited. I got home and emailed Sean about when to pick up the kids. I told him Sofie had the sniffles and asked if he could get them a little early. The reason I asked was because at the last minute Will needed for me to drive him to the college campus for a 9am test. He needed to take it so he could take a course offered by the college at his school. That meant I had to take Sofie with me in town again on the 6:10am boat and I knew she would be exhausted especially since she started getting a runny nose on Thursday. He emailed me back at 8:30pm saying he couldn't then went on a long rant about Connor and the bottom line in it was that he was going to petition the court to have Connor live with him. Oh. My. God. He said he had a good case since I wasn't honoring the visitation agreement concerning Connor and that Connor isn't calling him. He said I wasn't allowing him to see Sean and that his grades were bad. Well, even though I am concerned about Connor grades I want to be clear and say it isn't like he is failing all his classes or anything. He has stuff to make up in biology and that's it. So, all my good feelings for the day and feeling like we made some real progress went down the tubes. I was just beside myself and fighting off tears. He of course cc'd this to Connor. I didn't respond to the email and after thinking about this all day I'm not going to. If he wants to to it then let him ans we'll go from there. I didn't want to engage him in conflict and after I went to DHHS today I think he might just be doing this out of anger with me. More on that later. So Connor and I had a nice chat about it this morning on the boat ride in. He told me he would again talk with his bio teacher and if that didn't work (he has a problem communicating with her) he would go to the principal and get some help there. He also told me not to worry about dad. He said he didn't like how his dad tried to "overpower me with his attitude". I told him I was ok but Connor said he was glad I was giving him a chance and that he never told his dad he wasn't allowed to see him and that made him angry. I played devil's advocate and reminded him there was one time I told him no and that was on a day when he missed school. I told him if he was too sick to go to school he was too sick to go to his dad's and that if he felt better the next day then if it was ok with his dad then he could go. Connor simply chose not to go the next day even though he felt fine. Connor remembered. I told him it was possible he had told his dad he wasn't allowed (he had been on the phone with him at the time I said no) but didn't mention the circumstances (sick, next day ok) to him. If he did that then it was entirely possible his dad blew it out of proportion which he does a lot. That wasn't Connor's fault of course and he had no control of how other people perceive things but knowing his dad and his illness it should be considered and to not get too angry with him. His dad wasn't calling Connor a liar outright and I was used to his dad thinking I was trying to keep all of them away from him. I told him that we all know that isn't the case and I couldn't control his dad's feelings about it. Connor shouldn't either. I told him all he needed to do was focus on his school work and what we discussed in therapy. I told him he did well that morning and he was one step closer to his one week goal. Tonight Connor told me he spoke with his math teacher and told him if he had an issue with him and his work to bring it to him and not to discuss it with his father. He told him what was going on and that it was stress he didn't need. His teacher told him he would make some time next week and they could really sit down and have a talk. Connor felt good about that. He said his bio teacher said she was busy. I told him to not bother with her anymore and go straight to the principal. If he has to take bio next year w/a different teacher than fine. There are always options, the hard part is finding them. He was proud of himself for trying and I was glad he was feeling good. On a side note of good? things Connor has a girl calling him today. She has called three times and he said there are four other girls who like him right now. He seemed very embarrassed, yet pleased.

I got mail yesterday from DHHS stating they sent in a wage withholding notice to Sean's work. Finally. I am guessing that the school had finally gotten back to them confirming his employment. I still need to call them though about them getting on the ball withholding income from his disability as well. I have been thinking about how some people may read this and think I might not be saying too much about the topic if mental illness. There is only so much you can say at a time. Maybe I should have titled this blog as "fallout" or "How mental illness can change your life even if you don't have it". Almost all the stuff I talk about like the divorce, money, certain parenting issues, looking for work all stem from the same source. All have the same background in their DNA so to speak and that's is Sean's mental illness. Our sons depression, stress from lack of money, dealing with being a single mom all have fingers in the same mental illness pie. Even though Sean no longer lives here and we don't have to "see" his behaviours anymore on a daily basis doesn't mean we don't have to deal with it's impact on our lives. How have the boys processed how to be a man and father and husband from that male role model in their life? How will that form who they will become? When you are away from the problem for a while how do you handle it when you see him again and how do you react? It can be easy to forget. Then you have an issue and it's back in your face again and the not normal actions. The compassion you used to have is not as strong or gone all together. You question how other family members can't see it when it is so obvious. Then you question yourself. These are things the kids see and begin to want to believe their dad is "normal" like he claims and they try and forget all the things he used to to do and still does but they are not there to see it everyday anymore. Learning to deal with a family member with bipolar who you no longer see daily but is still a part of your life I think as it's own set or rules. A good 98% of the sadness and anger in our lives still comes from Sean and the things he has done or is still doing. When you actually step back and realize that it is astounding. The illness was obvious when he was here. Now you just want to think he is just an ass or a jerk and a deadbeat dad. There are also well intended people who say how much better you all are without him and how he was probably never really sick at all but just a man whore and selfish bastard. Being apart you want to believe that. I know he certainly had a big part of him that was jerky. A lot of people do. I guess all I can say is you had to live it to understand. During those "down times" he was not not himself...besides the jerk stuff. That jerk stuff was there at all times not just the down. It was worse when he was down. It was the memory gaps and hearing things that got scary. Each new down time things got a little worse. Now we have to watch what we say or he gets manic like a dog with a bone. Dealing with his little fantasies of visits with the kids that no one here knew were happening and me being the "bad guy" in his eyes for popping his bubble. It really is sad and I know for myself I am coming to terms with the new situation but it does still really get under my skin sometimes when his family doesn't see it. They are getting better but they don't see him much either and have never lived it so I understand why it's taking so long. They haven't been burned as much or as often yet. I wonder sometimes at how much ego and pride his new wife must have to not see it. Then I think...whatever. It's her problem to deal with now. Thank God.

I need to work on making lists again. I was getting overwhelmed looking at them and stopped for a while. On the other side of the coin now though I am feeling overwhelmed that things are sliding a bit. I know my thinking processes are like molasses right now with my lovely head cold but I totally spaced the free flu vaccines at the hall yesterday for the kids and me. Now I will have to pay for them at the doctors. Plus a trip in town. Wonderful.

I'm still sick but getting better. No fever and no oink oink flu for me. That's the silver lining for me on feeling miserable.

More good stuff. My island car is running. I hope it lasts the winter. I got my DHHS money today! I have already spent half of it on bills. I have more bills but I am trying to stay conservative. I need to get the town car all fixed up for the winter and inspected so I am going to do that first then see what I can do. Will made more money than me again last week. I feel pretty crappy about that.

Connor did go see his dad. Again he was gleeful about trying to bleed his dad dry of funds for xbox games. Whatever. Let them have a dysfunctional relationship.

Progress report cards are coming home today. These are not the final grades just a progress thing the school sends out so kids and parents can see what needs to be worked on before the final grades are done and gives the kids a chance to fix things.Will is exceeding all his classes but one. He is smart and lets me know before the cards come if he is having trouble. He also lets me know what he is doing to fix the problem. I wish all people did that with me. Connor on the other hand is almost a mystery. He didn't tell me what he was getting but he did tell me about the one class he was behind in and what he was trying to do to fix it. I am crossing my fingers I won't get punched in the stomach when I see the progress report.

I need to go and take a rest. I didn't work today but I am tomorrow and there is a field trip on Wednesday so I need to be over this thing by then.

Let's start off with some good news. I got my laptop back. It's fixed and it works. Bad news, won't connect to the internet unless plugged in....now I need to figure out the problem. It means a phone call to the provider which always ends in misery...for me. Oh and I might need a new battery and/or adapter. Still cheaper than a new laptop. More good, called the DHHS hot line and the money was collected yesterday. Bad news, still not in my account even with direct deposit. Called DHHS back and was told it can take up to seven days for it to be dispersed. Good news, the mechanic came and looked at the island car yesterday...finally. Bad news, it still isn't running. Good news, it isn't the wiring. Bad news, it might be the battery after all but not sure yet. It says it's charged but it might just be too old. Good news, the guy thinks he has one at his house in town and is going to get it for me...for free. More bad news, while talking to DHHS found out they still do not have verification of Sean's job and there is not a wage attachment in place yet. So, in theory after I get this money I will be going through this process again. As it stands they are going to let him make payments to them himself. I pointed out that was why they had to do this bank attachment in the first place because he wasn't paying. I was told they are just waiting for the verification. I pointed out again they have been waiting for almost a year for one of them and since the beginning of August for the other. What does it take to get the places to answer them? I was told that they will just keep doing bank attachments every month if they have to. Riight. Because it worked so well this time. Giving Sean some points he did make a payment at the end of September all on his own outside of the attachment. That was added to the payout yesterday. I give points where they are due. Still, his numbers are very low. I guess I get to call them next week. I am thinking I am going to have to call the school myself. I really am not the kind of person with the skill set to do this kind of thing. It raises my stress levels big time. More bad news, got my credit card bill and those places I called before that I had charges from that I didn't make are still charging. They "said" I was refunded and off the records. I called one place twice. Now I am going to call the credit card company. I am so mad then tired at the same time. More phone calls. ick. Even though there is more in the bad news side I feel as if I am taking some steps forward. That may sound weird but maybe I am just feeling optimistic right now. I guess that's a good place to be...oh more good news. My new books rock! I am so happy they are so fun to read. It makes me happy and I need all I can get in the makes me happy bucket. Connor said I made him sick when I finished one book in a day. I told him he was just jealous and he laughed. He was teasing me. That was nice though. It's good to see him connecting. Speaking of that, more bad news, one guy on the island Connor is pretty close with got real sick on the boat ride home yesterday. They have EMT's on the boat and they stopped at the nearest island and met up with the fire boat that took him to the hospital. We don't know yet if he had a stroke or had an allergic reaction to some meds he had that day. (He had some teeth pulled) He is in his 70's but still works for the government and it's a real shock. Healthy guy. I will hear more today.

Seems simple enough. Really though, the art of stepping back and thinking things through isn't all that easy. I still don't know if I should call Sean about the hair thing. Really I doubt it would achieve anything. It would probably piss him off and then it would something like, "I am her FATHER I can cut her hair if I want to. It's my RIGHT." even though he really could care less and it not even him who wants to do it. Let sleeping dogs lie I suppose. I have also been thinking about calling Cade's therapist. He was just so defeated yesterday. This morning he was sounding very sad about Halloween. He said he didn't even want to think about it. I asked him why and he said he doesn't want to tell his dad he wants to be on the island with his friends because he doesn't want his dad making him feel bad again. I asked him again that if he wasn't worried about how his dad was going to react what would he do? Where would he want to be? He said here because he gets a huge load of candy but also we have company coming for the weekend and he has some summer friends who are going to be out here for the holiday. He tries to keep in touch with them online but he's 10....it tough at that age. He doesn't want to miss out on any opportunity to hang with them. I doubt I would see him much myself even if he does stay..:) He says his dad is talking about Halloween and Cade just leaves the room. He is just overwhelmed and scared. I told him we should talk about this with his therapist on Friday and see if we can come up with another solution when it comes to having these tough conversations with his dad. Third party maybe? Does he want me there too? Would that be too uncomfortable? Does he want me to ask? What can I do, we do to ease this stress. God knows Sean isn't going to help. He hasn't even asked to come into any of Cade's therapy sessions since his started working again. Going on three months now. I asked him if he could take time off one day a month or during a lunch break or something. Never got a response. I have to think of what I can schedule that doesn't have Cade missing a lot of school. While he is having swim he is going in Friday morning. He has a half day on Fridays anyway in the afternoon. We go into town for swim lessons in the fall and spring. We can't do a session after swim because the kids meet with Sean for the weekend and by then it's too late in the day. Once swim is over then we can switch to the afternoons during what would be swim time. Maybe Sean will come then. Maybe if the therapist tells Sean he HAS to come to resolve this he might come. I should call the therapist first though before we get there so we have a topic ready to go. I worry about Cade getting depressed about everything. You would think after time he would be getting more adjusted but he really isn't. He is adjusted here at home to not having his dad around and stuff like that. The hard part is leaving here where he feels safe and listened to, to going there and getting either ignored or yelled at. Sometimes both at the same time. Yelled at by Kathryn and ignored by his dad. I have to go with my gut, I feel like something is off with him. *sigh*

With all this drama going on my head isn't where it should be. I had been thinking about Cade's winter coat and how I would be able to afford a new one. His old one needs it's zipper replaced and that's beyond my skill level. I thought I could take it to a dry cleaner or something. I heard they might fix it. I never use one so I was dreading finding a place. It would be cheaper than a new coat. Then yesterday I was finally dragging out the winter hats, boots and things and I sat down feeling like a dumb ass. I didn't need to be worrying about this at all. I had Connor's old winter coat he could use. I saved it just for this reason. It doesn't fit Connor anymore he out grew it. I felt like a real mental midget right then. Connor needs a new coat but he refuses to even consider it. He just wears layers upon layers of stuff. He is certainly warm enough so I am not going to sweat it. If he wants to look like the Michellan man so be it.

I got a call today for fuel assistance. They are booked into December and January. I am getting a full tank from the memorial fund this year so that should keep me going until the appointment. I still haven't turned the heat on yet. It's been getting cold at night but we are under the covers anyway. Will is worried about his plants. We move them at night to a smaller room and I turn in the space heater for a bit to warm the room up. I turn it off before bed. It keeps them warm for the night.

Still no money. I have to call DHHS this afternoon. I was too busy yesterday. I need a nap. I have the sniffles. I am fighting it off though. I'm not going to get sick!

I finally contacted a human at DHHS today. Obviously there wasn't any money in my account. I had to call back twice which didn't make me feeling like things were going to go well. I had some maybe good news but mostly bad. I am thinking if things progress the way they have been I won't be getting any money until the 15th or 16th. This is what is happening. There is no bank release form they are waiting for from Sean. I figured that. What the hold up is that they have to wait 30 days to release money to me unless Sean writes them a letter stating he isn't going to ask for a hearing. What they are trying to do isn't a monthly attachment from any employer, since they haven't all the confirmations on that yet. Instead, in order to try and get me money sooner they are attaching his bank account. Since this is affecting him the law says he has 30 days to ask for a hearing. In order to keep his licence he agreed with the case worker that he wouldn't ask for a hearing and he would write up the letter and send it to them. Once they got it they can release money to me as soon as possible and there wouldn't need to be a 30 day wait. He KNEW about this on September 15th. That is when I last heard from the case worker. That is when the deal was brokered. At the time I was talking with the specialist I didn't think clearly but now that I have had time to reflect I feel sick again at Sean's callousness. He could have sent the letter in the next day and I could have had that money by now for the dentist and other things...like rent. He then sends me an email only last Friday to say it had only "just come to his attention" that he needed to "send in a form" and he "didn't know what the hold up" was? He KNEW, he knew. He lied and stalled and increased his debt and conned his way into keeping his licence. He SHOULD have lost it until we had the money. Also, the bank attachment is a one time thing that takes what is in his account..all of it. He has given himself time to clean it out and when the attachment hits on the 15th, with or without his letter, than all I will get for the kids is whatever he has in it. Then that's it. No monthly payments. It could be only a $1000 or $2 bucks for all I know. I was so frustrated. I asked them why this wasn't done. I told them I have been trying to get this for a year now. The court order for withholding is clear. Why aren't they DOING anything. I pointed out his disability was there at the time of the divorce so there shouldn't be any excuses of his unemployment. I asked if they had verified yet his work at the school. They hadn't. More frustration. I told them that Will's principal had seen him at an inter school event and I was sure he was working. I reminded them the school had 30 days to verify his employment or they were supposed to be fined. I was told they sent the letter out to the school on August 5th. So? FINE them then. Call them. Do SOMETHING. So the guy I was talking to was pretty upset and said this was DHHS's bread and butter and should have done something about this sooner. Choir here. He sent emails to the case worker about the school verification and about the email I told him Sean sent me telling me he faxed them his letter last Friday. If he did....IF then the money would be released Tuesday to them. They then will direct deposit it to me later in the week. Because of the holiday everything is behind. By then of course it will be around the 15th anyway. Then the guy asked me what car Sean had. I told him is was a Lexus but used. He said as long as it's newer than 10 years old they can put a lien on it. Sweet. Then he asked me if he owed property. I told him he had a house in Portland but I didn't know if he was on the deed or if it was just his current wife. God I hope they added his name on it after the divorce. I know they didn't add his before then because of that. If they did then there is another lien. He said they likely hood of getting money from it was slim but it would send a clear message to Sean they are after him and keep his attention and mess with his credit. I am to call back on Tuesday anyway to see if the money has come through and check the progress. I am going to have to call every week. On the plus side I have the name of the case worker now and I can ask for her directly. Everything has to be done through her anyway. This is just totally nuts. The system is failing. I am so tired of it.

On top of that last night I was telling Sofie she was going to see her grandparents on Friday and then see dad and she was very upset. I have something for Sean's parents and they have some clothes for Sofie so I asked if I could leave Sofie and Cade with them for a little visit and have Sean pick them up from there after I left. That was fine with them. Sofie was cool with that. She just didn't want to "go the the witch's house". Sofie then said, "Ragan hurt me. Dad didn't help me." I really..I mean REALLY didn't want to ask. Cade jumped in and said "the beast" was really mean last weekend. Sofie said that she had bitten Sofie. Crunched Sofie's finger real good. Then she talked Sofie into taking her clothes off. Cade had Sofie get dressed when he saw her and rounded on the girl asking her what in the heck did she think she was doing? Cade was really mad. She did other things too but those were to two biggies that freaked me out a little. What can I do? Talking to Sean doesn't work. Telling him these things are going on is also pointless because he knows. The kids tell him. He isn't ignorant. This is just not a good environment for them. I just don't know how to help them anymore. I can't just keep them home. I would be breaking the court order by doing so and by extension the law. I know some might see it as a "well you didn't pay the child support so you don't get the kids" thing when I don't feel that way at all. I am not one of those women. I am just worried and scared. *sigh*

I emailed Sean on Tuesday telling him where the kids would be Friday. He never responded. So, hopefully the kids will have a nice visit the whole weekend with their grandparents. We'll see.

Got an email this morning from Sean today (he sent it yesterday after I had already left for town). In it he was again asking if the kids could stay until the later boat on Sunday. I had already told him from now on it was the 4pm on school nights period. I told him that again. He made excuses about he might be able to do it but it would be difficult and after this week things would be easier. I don't care. The kids need wind down time after they see him and if they get home at 7pm and go to bed at their normal 8pm time it is just a nightmare. We'll see what happens. Of course he tried to sweeten to pot by telling me he had paid the money he owed to DHHS weeks ago and that "it had just came to his attention" that he need to sign a release form to DHHS and he didn't understand what the hold up was but that everything should be fine now and that I had $5000 coming to me. I believe that like a hole in the head. First off the caseworker at DHHS already told me he had tried the signing of release form thing with them only he told them it was from his bank and now he tells me it is from DHHS. Whatever. Second, I checked my bank account again today and the money still isn't there. Then he tells me he will send the dental info to me "eventually" and that the kids last visit should be covered and he will "let me know." BS. My response was no to the staying late. I wanted the info now and a reminded him of Connor and Cade's dental appointment next week. I said NOTHING about the money or DHHS. I will not ever ask for or respond to anything concerning child support again. I got DHHS involved for this very reason and will not be drawn back into his games concerning it. He can try to bribe me, stall me, try and make me feel better by telling me money is on the way but his words are empty. Results are what matters and it isn't like I am going to put in a good word to DHHS for him. I'm not going to help him stall them. It makes me angry to think he thinks he can pull the wool over my eyes and abuse me like this then I get pissed at myself because the only reason he thinks that way is because I have let him do so in the past and it's my own damn fault in the first place. Grrrrr...me.

As for dropping the kids off yesterday that was really hard. Thursday night I was getting Sofie ready for bed and she wanted to stay up. I told her she needed her rest because she had a big day ahead with going to town and swim lessons. She started to cry. I thought it was going to be about going to bed on time but it wasn't. She cried saying she wanted to stay home. I was concerned she didn't want to go to swim lessons but that wasn't the problem. She didn't want to go to the "witch's house" and she said, "I don't want to see dad." The next day we just focused on swim. She had asked me if I would ask her teacher if she would take Sofie out into the pool. That was huge. Sofie loves the water but she was wary of her teacher. When we got there though there was a new teacher. The regular teacher was going to be gone for that class and the next one then come back. I thought ,oh fooey. Just when Sofie was making progress. However, Sofie kept improving and got off the step and onto the wall and went back and forth on it. She showed off to the new teacher she could dunk her head and blow bubbles. Maybe next week she will just go to the wall and be a part of the class. She was so proud and all the other moms were telling her how wonderful she did that day. When we got to the bay lines however all that happiness and pride went into the toilet and she was very upset about having to go. Her friend Aiden showed up with his mom and that distracted her for a bit. When Sean showed up she cried again and held back behind me and said she wanted to go home. I held her and brought her over to him. He asked what was wrong and I said she just wanted to go home. He shrugged it off and said she was just tired. Please. I handed her to him and he asked her why she was crying and she said she wanted to go home. He told her she was going home and she got mad and said, "No! Home to the island!" and cried some more. I asked her to go with dad and bring home her barbie ring for me. I gave her some reeses pieces and she sniffed but said ok. Sean asked me if there was anything he should know about the kids. I wanted to tell him to ask them himself but all I said was to be watchful of Sofie because she didn't want to be with him this weekend. He nodded and left. I stayed in town to the late boat because I need groceries badly. I picked up Will, who stayed to help out and away we went. Who did we see at the store? Sean and the kids. Will took off so his dad wouldn't see him. Sofie called me and I went over to her. She stuck her lips out for a kiss which I gave her. Sean found it funny I guess because he laughed. I asked her what she wanted me to get for her. She asked for cereal and cheese. I said good bye. Cade gave me a hug and took off to look at the cakes. I hope to God Sean was getting him a birthday cake and had a present for him. After they disappeared into the deli section Will came back from where ever he was lurking and we continued our shopping but checked every aisle to make sure we didn't run into them. Then I heard a yell. Bye mommy! Bye mommy! I knew, just knew it was Sofie. I can pick out her voice anywhere. I looked around and saw her just as Sean was pushing her out the doors. I waved and she was trying to stand up and she was smiling at me. Sean looked annoyed and frustrated. Oh well. They were quite a ways away too. I am surprised I heard her at all. She can shout with the best of them though....:) *snicker*

Ok, I am trying not to get too anxious now. I have been checking my bank account hoping I would see the money DHHS was supposed to deposit. Realistically I am sure I have to wait at least another week. Still, I have $400 to my name and the kids see the dentist next week. Two of them anyway. I talked with the teachers about the plan and there is a big copay and thinking it over I wonder if Sean isn't giving me the info because he doesn't want to pay it. I dunno. I am not having luck getting a hold of the insurance company so far. I am determined to talk with someone who can help me. I have bills coming in and over course another month of rent is here. I got another $100 for work this week but it's so little. *sigh* I have a ton of places to clean this weekend. A lot of people will be up next weekend to close up. I hope I can get them all done in time. I am feeling a little stressed. Seeing that money would be nice but like the fridge new money won't just appear just because I open to door again thinking new food has suddenly appeared. I suppose I will have to cal DHHS anyway on Monday for a progress report. What a pain. I of course did my duty and emailed Sean last night about when and where to pick up Cade and Sofie for the weekend. I didn't say anything else. No response as usual. When will I stop getting bugged about that?

It's been a busy few days. I was in town all day Thursday and Friday. Thursday was a whirlwind with ALL the kids with me. I took a wrong turn to the dentist and we were five minutes late. I was stressed and it was only 8am. I checked the email before we left the house and Sean sent me an answer to the therapy question (when he was available) but nothing about the dental insurance. After a long chat with the ladies at the dental office. I paid the bill and when they get the dental info it will be submitted and then I will be reimbursed. Here's the catch, one of many, I still don't have the info. I gave Sean until this Friday to tell me. I didn't tell him what I would do. I no longer tell him about consequences. It doesn't work. Why keep stinging my hand on the electrified doorknob that is Sean? I will just do it. My plan is to call the school and flat out tell them who I am, about the court order and ask for the info myself. If they don't tell me anything, call DHHS and see what they say. In the meantime, I am calling the lawyer on Monday to schedule an appointment for next week. I was supposed to see him on Thursday at 2pm but Sofie got car sick 10 minutes before I was to see him. I called and told him what was going on. He has small kids and had no problem understanding. I cleaned her up and made the next boat home so we got home at 4pm instead of 7pm like planned. I can ask him about what to do about the dental stuff too. The boys stayed in town and saw their aunt and came home on the 7pm ferry. SO, the dentist was $463. Then Cade needed new lenses and that was another $132. I am just lucky I had the money but it was for the car repair so now I am screwed on that for another month. THEN if the insurance reimburses the dental (it doesn't do the glasses) since it is in Sean's name guess who they will send the money to? Do YOU think I will get the money then without some kind of intervention? I am sure it will be MONTHS before I get that money back. As for the glasses, Sean has to pay me in 30 days or I send the bill to DHHS and it will still take months I am sure to get the money for that. I feel like I am so mired in all this "crap" I can't move on. I can't let stuff go that has to go. I can see things changing of course. I am not explaining as much and I am not being so nice. Not mean though. Just, point A, B, C, the end when I inform Sean of stuff. I KNOW he hasn't given me the dental stuff because he is mad at the whole DHHS thing. He is being abusive financially just like they explained in the women's only divorce group I went to. How much is divorce issues and how much is his bipolar? I dunno. What I do know is that even though he wasn't the best with money before the bipolar now he is just unreal. SO much debt and so many lies. Before he always paid the bills and made sure we were ok. He didn't do great with saving, I did that but we never wanted for anything that was needed. It's just so tiring.

Friday Cade had therapy and we talked about difficult conversations again. We cut back to every other week and talked about respect issues. Things are getting to a breaking point with Cade though. We talked about what the criteria for ending sessions should be and we thought being able to handle transitions (of any kind not just with seeing Sean) without being overwhelmed was a good goal. Since Cade doesn't want to see his dad as much and is really beginning to complain big time about having to go I don't think Cade is nearing the closing goal yet. I let Cade complain but he knows I will take him to see his dad period. If he wants to not go he HAS to talk to his dad and discuss it with him and I will comply with their decision. At the moment it has been working out to every other weekend although I don't think either of them has realized it yet. It has been like that for about a month and a half. We'll see what happens next week. Also on Friday was swim lessons. Sofie had her first session. She was so cute. She is a little skittish about her teacher. Her teacher is great though she taught Connor and Cade too. Sofie didn't get into the water much. She had her feet in and got on her tummy and slid in some but as soon as the teacher got near she scampered away like a spider. Sofie also kept putting her goggles on and dunking her head in. I thought she was going to go head first into the watet but she didn't. I was right beside and and the teacher was close by the whole time so I wasn't too worried. Still, she said she had fun and that she was going into the pool next week. I think she just has to get used to her teacher. Cade was moved into the next class for more advanced swimmers and he is very excited. Sean of course never came. The friend of mine who died recently (his name is Robert) was really missed. He was always such a huge presence there mostly because he was one of the few dads who would come. Sean used to come to every class so when he just stopped coming the other moms were really mad at him for the kids sake. Anyway, his daughter Ella wasn't there this week. Her mom wasn't able to bring her. She is trying too hard to do everything herself right now. I did the same thing when Sean first left. I didn't want any one's help. I know the other moms would bring Ella. Hopefully she will be there next week. She is in Sofie's class.

On the walk to the baylines to meet up with Sean (he picked up Cade and Sofie this week) I told Cade that I saw Jessica (an island friend who is Connor's age) the other day and she said hi. Cade started laughing. I had no idea what was so funny and asked him. He said, "Did you know she goes to Deering high school?" (That is the school Kathryn "teaches" at) I said no. Then Cade said, "She has Kathryn as a teacher." Me: "oh really." Cade: " Yeah, she was just telling us ( us meaning a bunch of other island kids who all hang out together in the square)all her teachers names and mentioned her and I asked Jess what she though of her." Me: "oh?" Cade, "Yeah. (pause) Can I have permission to swear?" Me: "What? Why?" Cade: " Well, I want to tell you what Jess said." Me: "uh oh, is Jess swearing again?" Cade: "Well, you know how it is." Cade shrugged. You see Jess and her little brother are great kids. However every kid has a vice it seems and for them it is their language. Their parents swear a lot and so that is what Cade means by, "you know how it is". My kids know I disapprove of the bad language but they are helpful, kind and loyal kids and I figure that makes up for it. I just remind mine that I don't want THEM swearing. So, I though about it....and said, "Well, you know I don't approve but this ONE time I guess you can. BUT you have to whisper it." So Cade leaned in and said, "Jess said she was a fucking bitch and Jess and was real mad too." Me: "No. She said that! Why is she so adamant?" Cade: "Jess said she assigns them stuff and the WHOLE class does the work and when they hand it in she doesn't even remember she assigned it and and gets mad at them telling them they are playing a prank on her. I mean like what kids would do homework on purpose they didn't have to right? She has done it twice now. Then she acts like all the kids lover her and tells them how great a teacher she is. They just laugh at her and she thinks they are laughing with her not AT her. The other teachers don't like her and are always fixing her mistakes with hall passes and stuff or helping the other kids try and understand her worksheets because she explains them five different ways. Jess called her other names too just not as bad like dirt bag and other stuff I can't remember. Jess said she has some tough teachers and nice ones but ALL the kids call her the, well...the you know." I didn't say anything for a minute then said, " Does Jess know who she is to you?" Cade, " She didn't. I told her and Jess said well, there's another reason why she is such a witch with a b. Now the kids will like her even less." Me: "How did that make you feel?" Cade: "Well, I always knew she was stupid. I mean do you even KNOW how many times she has lost things...in the freezer? Like her cell? She puts her knife in the plugged in toaster so many times and hasn't gotten zapped I wonder if getting zapped is just a myth. I am glad someone else hates her like I do. I guess I am glad someone sees her for who she really IS without even knowing what she has done to me or Sofie or Will. She acts like she is perfect but let me tell you, when she thinks we are asleep she has a mouth. You think what Jess said was bad? I have heard words I don't even know what they mean mom. She just swears and says means stuff about people. She's a flat out hypocrite! And dad, dad doesn't say anything. He just lets her rant. She is a swearing vampire. By the light of day her nice mask come on and at night the evil swearing vampire comes out to make every one's ears bleed!" I lost it. I truly did. I know mom handbook 101, DON'T laugh at your kids when they make fun of others ESPECIALLY the other parent or step parent but his speech was so darn......oh my goodness, swearing vampire? I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee. Once I was calm. I told him I was sorry and that I shouldn't have done that. He asked me not to tell his dad or Kathryn he had said those things. I said I wouldn't but he should tell Jay (his counselor) about the swearing and how he feels Kathryn is two faced and maybe Jay had some ideas on how to deal with it. Cade said he would think about it.

As for therapy for Sean and me...it's over. I told Sean when I could meet him. Fridays any time between 9am and 1pm and he said he could meet at 4pm. I would have Sofie then so that wouldn't work and the counselor couldn't meet then either. I called her back and told her what Sean said in his email and she said she understood my reasoning for why I picked the day I did and knew I had to work for the kids especially without getting the child support. Sean could have offered once a month if he was working or tried to come up with another plan but his effort is lacking and so she was going to close the case. I told her I would email him and let him know and that was that. Another thing I have to talk to the lawyer about next week. Do I need to amend the divorce? *sigh*

I guess I will go have some dinner now.

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
Gustave Flaubert (1821 - 1880)

I just got a call from my DHHS caseworker. While they are still waiting for some verification forms from where Sean now works she told me he was VERY unhappy that they were taking his license. *snicker* So he tried to make a deal with them about payments. He was about to agree to a $1000 lump sum and the $249 a week until it was paid off but then the post office came through. They said one...he was dodging them delivering the suspension notice so DHHS told him he had to come into the office to be served, two they verified he was getting money from them. So the post office agreed to pay out $3400 lump sum right from them. Sean claimed the bank wasn't letting him authorize a release properly to DHHS. (yeah right) So, Sean agreed in exchange for the money coming from the post office they will not be taking his license at this time but he is pretty angry about it. DHHS said since they could get the money from the post office and more of it at once they would not agree to his previous offer. I have to wait of course for all the red tape to go through, DHHS forms and post office forms and bank forms but after this I will get the money first before Sean gets anything. I will not have to wait anymore for HIM to pay DHHS then them pay the kids. In no less than 30 days I should get the money. It isn't the whole amount he owes but most of it and I can pay three months rent! If I get my rent refund from the state then I can pay another two months. I hope and pray my good luck holds. Pray with me!

Thursday is a big doctor day. All the kids, including Sofie see the dentist. Then Cade has his therapy. I told Sean all about the dentist six months ago, then a few months ago in a session, then he said I was bitchy in an email where I reminded him again about the dentist after he ASKED me when it was going to be. He SAID he has dental insurance and would send me the cards a while ago and yet I have nothing. I told him to at least send the info for it and he can send the cards later so I can tell the dentist. Nothing. So, I sent an email asking again this morning.

That's the good news. Now for the concerning news. Last night I caught Sofie jumping on the bed. I told her to stop and she stopped and began crying saying, "oh, I'm sorry, so very very sorry!" Well, that was weird. After I calmed her down and told her I didn't want her jumping because she could get hurt she seemed ok. Then I asked her why she was so scared. She said when she was at dad's that she was jumping on the bed playing daddy door ( a game where she shouts that phrase while jumping on the bed taught to her by the girl. It drives Cade nuts since they do it at 6am and the adults don't get up to stop them) and Kathryn saw her and shouted to Sofie to stop then shook her, threw her to the bed and dragged her off. Sofie showed me what happened by acting it out. Sofie was shaking herself so hard she hit the wall. Then Sofie told me she had been scared. You would think I would have been angry but I was just shocked. I thought about what to do. Should just call DHHS now? Should I email and tell Sean what Sofie said happened and say if I heard something like this again I would call DHHS? I slept on it and this morning I sent Sean an email asking about the dentist, I mentioned Connor and that to avoid any trouble in the future Sean should email me if he has plans with Connor that fall outside of a normal visitation weekend (not that Connor goes). If Connor had just not shown up at home I would have called to police. Now sure, Connor is 14 and could have told me if he had plans with his dad. He didn't have them btw, Sean was just acting confused again. (Right, no bipolar memory problems there.) It just seems to make more sense to have the parents be on the same page. After all, when Connor tells me he has plans with his dad I email Sean to confirm them. Not that I think Connor is a bad seed or anything but he is a teenager. He could tell me he is meeting up with his dad and instead go off with friends or go to some party and I would be none the wiser if I didn't double check with Sean. Of course Sean would probably give him permission to go an orgy for all I know but still, I can only do so much. After asking for Sean to let me know about Connor I then mentioned what Sofie had said. I said how Sean asked in a session he wanted to know if there were any concerns and so ...this is a concern. I didn't accuse I simply told him what she said and that she had been crying and seemed scared. I didn't say anything about DHHS. I figure that would just be considered threatening and I can just call them on my own if I felt I needed to and avoid trouble. I told Sean to handle things as he saw fit. He likes power...let him think he has it. I may know he won't do anything about it. I know he would rather blame Sofie and her age and say she was exaggerating than open his eyes and see that woman does NOT love our kids and is hurtful to them verbally and now it seems leaning to the physical with Sofie. I know she hasn't done anything to Cade after he told her if she touched him he was calling 911. Sofie is still so little. One day and one step at a time. I know at least I am doing what I should by keeping Sean informed and that is what he asked and if he doesn't like it that's too bad. I know at least he can't use that argument (that I don't tell him things) against me in court if he should try and do that.

I have other calls to make today. I am going to call the counselor that sees both Sean and I and make my final call. I emailed Sean and asked him if we continued what day and time would be ok with him weeks ago and he never responded so I guess that's that. I am also calling the lawyer today and asking about what we should do about contempt of court about the taxes. Fun. Fun.

Today is a Parent Teacher Committee meeting today too. I have to bring Sofie and the boy I babysit with me. That should be fun too.

That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another....
Charles M. Schulz (1922 - 2000), Charlie Brown