Our Island Family Life

Depressing or funny? Hard to tell sometimes.

I never did say how craft day went did I? Well, it was fun. Sofie was great, behaved and did all the crafts. She made a necklace and threaded the beads all by herself. It was a craft of one the teachers did and she was impressed at Sofie's hand eye coordination. The boy I babysit was there. It is so interesting to see how different he is when he isn't here. When he is here is listens, shares, takes a nap without a fuss and is rather quiet. I mean he is loud in the sense he is always making noise. Car noises and humming or taking but not yelling or screaming, that kind of thing. Well, he was running and loud and trying to touch everything. He tried to take other peoples crafts. His dad was working on a car craft (his mom was working) so I got up and took the crafts he took back from him and put them back on the table. He was not pleased but when he saw it was me taking them he tried to run away. I picked him up and got him working on another craft. I had to redirect him quite a few times and he tried to wiggle away a few times. Ack. So, when he was running and crazy Sofie wanted to do it too. I made her sit. I'm just glad she didn't get too upset since it was her nap time. Otherwise, a good time was had by all.

Sometimes I can't believe there was actually a time in my life where I could wake up, enjoy my morning and have a whole day, whole days when things were normal. Little to no stress at all. Things I had heard other people complain about like crying babies or what to make for dinner and helping the kids get homework done never phased me at all. I would get bored with it from time to time but I was very rarely stressed.

Let's start off with some good news. I got my laptop back. It's fixed and it works. Bad news, won't connect to the internet unless plugged in....now I need to figure out the problem. It means a phone call to the provider which always ends in misery...for me. Oh and I might need a new battery and/or adapter. Still cheaper than a new laptop. More good, called the DHHS hot line and the money was collected yesterday. Bad news, still not in my account even with direct deposit. Called DHHS back and was told it can take up to seven days for it to be dispersed. Good news, the mechanic came and looked at the island car yesterday...finally. Bad news, it still isn't running. Good news, it isn't the wiring. Bad news, it might be the battery after all but not sure yet. It says it's charged but it might just be too old. Good news, the guy thinks he has one at his house in town and is going to get it for me...for free. More bad news, while talking to DHHS found out they still do not have verification of Sean's job and there is not a wage attachment in place yet. So, in theory after I get this money I will be going through this process again. As it stands they are going to let him make payments to them himself. I pointed out that was why they had to do this bank attachment in the first place because he wasn't paying. I was told they are just waiting for the verification. I pointed out again they have been waiting for almost a year for one of them and since the beginning of August for the other. What does it take to get the places to answer them? I was told that they will just keep doing bank attachments every month if they have to. Riight. Because it worked so well this time. Giving Sean some points he did make a payment at the end of September all on his own outside of the attachment. That was added to the payout yesterday. I give points where they are due. Still, his numbers are very low. I guess I get to call them next week. I am thinking I am going to have to call the school myself. I really am not the kind of person with the skill set to do this kind of thing. It raises my stress levels big time. More bad news, got my credit card bill and those places I called before that I had charges from that I didn't make are still charging. They "said" I was refunded and off the records. I called one place twice. Now I am going to call the credit card company. I am so mad then tired at the same time. More phone calls. ick. Even though there is more in the bad news side I feel as if I am taking some steps forward. That may sound weird but maybe I am just feeling optimistic right now. I guess that's a good place to be...oh more good news. My new books rock! I am so happy they are so fun to read. It makes me happy and I need all I can get in the makes me happy bucket. Connor said I made him sick when I finished one book in a day. I told him he was just jealous and he laughed. He was teasing me. That was nice though. It's good to see him connecting. Speaking of that, more bad news, one guy on the island Connor is pretty close with got real sick on the boat ride home yesterday. They have EMT's on the boat and they stopped at the nearest island and met up with the fire boat that took him to the hospital. We don't know yet if he had a stroke or had an allergic reaction to some meds he had that day. (He had some teeth pulled) He is in his 70's but still works for the government and it's a real shock. Healthy guy. I will hear more today.

Will is sick. Connor missed the boat and Cade was so upset I made him stay home so he wouldn't get mad and take out on someone at school. What a day. Why was Cade so upset? He had some down time yesterday after he got off the boat by helping Will clean up the tennis court in the square, he did so much Will gave him some of the pay he got for the job and so when they got home Cade was happy to have made a few bucks. That night though things began to simmer in his mind about the weekend and he let loose. Sofie started it all, not on purpose of course, by talking about how "the beast" had bitten her (again) while they were at Steve and Terrell's house. They are the new wife's parents. Sean and her insist the kids call them grandma and grandpa. Cade would rather die. Sofie did a few times but the past few times she has seen them has called them by name. Kathryn felt that was all Cade's doing and gave him a lecture about how he was "harming Sofie's brain" by telling her to call them by their names and that Sofie should have lots of grandparents. Cade said he thought she was nuts. How many grandparents does she want them to have? He asked her how she could be an English teacher and say something like he was harming his sister's brain? That was a little too weird for him. Then he was upset at Sofie being bitten. Sofie wasn't pleased either. She has a bruise to show for it. Then Cade said that Kathryn is planning on cutting Sofie's hair on their next visit. Granted her hair is long. Every time we go out people comment on how beautiful her hair is. So long and curly. I haven't had the heart to cut it yet. I'm not going to let it grow forever. For now though she is just lovely. When I do get it cut it would be her first cut. I have saved clippings from each of the kids first haircuts because of the milestone it is and the memories. Cade was furious. I don't blame him. Will was beside himself and said if she did that he would shave Kathryn's head himself. I left the room for a few minutes. I thought I was having a panic attack. It seem so stupid to be upset over a thing like a haircut. It's more than that really though. All the other emotions wrapped up in it. The power Sean is letting that woman have on our daughter. To touch a single hair on her head makes me so angry and panic ridden at the same time. The milestone moment gone. Sean doesn't give a crap about things like that. Scrapbook moments and family pictures. I do. That would be another thing taken away by him.....by HER. After I calmed I reasoned it was just haircut and most likely it was just her mouthing off because she is "so stressed" now a days. Cade said he was in tears on Saturday and was yelled at all weekend. I am so grateful he has therapy Friday. He doesn't want to go back ever again. He missed a day of school today because of the stress. This is not good. Not good at all.

On another note, the trip to the dentist on Friday was interesting. I had heard nothing from Sean since the week before last. I emailed him Tuesday and told him I was leaving the kids with his parents on Friday and about the dentist visit. He still hasn't given me info for the dentist. When I got there I tried to give them his name and address for billing. They wouldn't let me without a call or letter from him. I explained he had said the kids had dental coverage but that he wasn't giving me the information and about the last dental visit that was supposedly covered but I had paid for myself. The lady I talked to was nice. She gave me the number of the insurance company and said she wouldn't charge me for the visit that day. She couldn't understand either why a father would do that but she has had a similar experience (go dead beat dad's every where) so she was helpful. I went back to the waiting area relieved I didn't have to pay that day and after a few minutes she called me back. She was smirking. She asked me if he had a new wife. I said yes. The lady told me that the new wife had called the day before and added the kids to HER insurance. I was shocked to say the least. Now to anyone who even might be thinking that was a nice thing for her to do...don't. Sean lied. He lied.....again. He said HE had coverage for the kids thought HIS work. He was pressured by me and got her to do it for him. HIS kids and she is the one paying the bill. She is enabling him and was suckered. I am galled to have the kids covered by her. It's pretty sick. Not to mention it makes sense why he isn't giving me any info. He either never had it (which would be another lie) or he doesn't want to give me HER policy information. I wonder if she knows he lied and she is just saving his ass. I asked the lady where the reimbursements would go. Her insurance right? I paid a huge chunk already. She said since when they submit the bill the money is supposed to go to "the responsible party" which is me on the paperwork. Not her. I hope so. Just another paper trail I have to keep track of. *sigh*

Landlord came by. He asked if anything needed to be fixed and was upset DHHS wasn't being more helpful. I am totally freaked because I am so far behind with him. We talked about what we can do about catching up. I feel like my stomach has dropped out and my chest is on fire. So, since there is nothing I can do at the moment I am not already doing to fix the problem and worrying will just send me into an anxiety attack I thought I would do a short post. I have mentioned how much I like to read and people might wonder about how I am able to read as much as I do with as little time as I have. here are some pictures that help explain. I have a really nice book clip. I can prop my book up and read while I do other brainless things. I multitask..
Cooking dinner
Brushing teeth

Doing dishes
Folding laundry

I got a response about bringing the kids home on time. He decided to split them up. He is sending Cade (by himself) on the 2:45 boat then bringing Sofie home on the 5:45. What? First off I never send Cade on the boat alone unless I know another parent/neighbor is going to be there too to keep and eye on him. I also have a hard time with the fact that Sean and I continually butt head about separating the kids in general. Why can't they come home together? Well, he doesn't want to bring Cade and Sofie home on the regular boat because then he would have to bring the other two girls with him too. It isn't a cost issue because the younger two (the baby and Sofie) are free. Cade has a boat pass so again, no cost to Sean. He would have to pay a half fare for "the beast" and a full fare for himself which he would have to pay either way. He simply just doesn't want to take care of his own children. So I have to drive down and meet the ferry twice to pick up the kids. I will send him another email I guess about the issue but I am not sure about how to word it. I think it may be time to withhold a visit if he can not be trusted to bring them home on time as a consequence. I just dunno.

Ok, I am trying not to get too anxious now. I have been checking my bank account hoping I would see the money DHHS was supposed to deposit. Realistically I am sure I have to wait at least another week. Still, I have $400 to my name and the kids see the dentist next week. Two of them anyway. I talked with the teachers about the plan and there is a big copay and thinking it over I wonder if Sean isn't giving me the info because he doesn't want to pay it. I dunno. I am not having luck getting a hold of the insurance company so far. I am determined to talk with someone who can help me. I have bills coming in and over course another month of rent is here. I got another $100 for work this week but it's so little. *sigh* I have a ton of places to clean this weekend. A lot of people will be up next weekend to close up. I hope I can get them all done in time. I am feeling a little stressed. Seeing that money would be nice but like the fridge new money won't just appear just because I open to door again thinking new food has suddenly appeared. I suppose I will have to cal DHHS anyway on Monday for a progress report. What a pain. I of course did my duty and emailed Sean last night about when and where to pick up Cade and Sofie for the weekend. I didn't say anything else. No response as usual. When will I stop getting bugged about that?

When all is said and done can anybody tell me what the result of Connor's maybe visit is?

oh...take a guess.

He's not going. Why? After my last post I talked with Connor and he confirmed what he had said the day before that the plan was to come home on the 5:45 but he asked if things went well if he could stay to the 9:30 boat or until Saturday morning. I said that was fine and told him I had emailed his dad and would email him back asking if that was ok with him too and to let Sean know it was ok with me. At least I would know where Connor was. I emailed Sean and told him everything and asked if it was ok if Connor chose to could he stay longer? I also said again that if I didn't hear from him by 8pm then Connor wasn't going at all. That was at 4:30. Around 7:45 there was still no email from him. A few minutes later Sean calls. I answer and he asked for Connor. He did not talk to me at all about the plans. They talked a few minutes than Connor hung up. I asked him what the plan was and he said he wasn't going. He said his dad said "something came up" and he bailed. I was thinking about the earlier email Sean had sent me and it sounded to me like Sean had plans for Connor to spend the night. Had Sean forgotten them but confirmed to "save face" then said something came up? Connor had asked if he could come over on Saturday instead but Sean said no. What? It takes too much effort to try and figure out what Sean is thinking. Maybe he had the intentions (I hate that word) of seeing Connor but when push comes to shove he chooses his new family over his kids every time. Dunno. What a pain in the behind to go through the emails and waiting and parenting issues for ....nothing. What a toad.

Not being able to sleep is terrible. You have the misery of having partied all night... without the satisfaction.
Lynn Johnston (1947 - ), For Better or For Worse, 07-22-06

Well, in order to relieve some guilt and in doing my best to come out of my mood I finally answered my emails today. I had over 300 to sift through. As I think I had mentioned before just the prospect of looking at my emails was stressing me out. I was glad to see ones from friends and family and read them but I hadn't the energy to answer them. As for the ones that were about work or had I suspected contained bad news I didn't even open until today and I answered them all. So to anyone who reads this who sent me an email and thought I fell off the earth or was a rude jerk let me say that sadly gravity has kept me earthbound and yes I was rude but I really needed to be selfish for a few days just to keep myself ok. I am beginning to learn more and more about limits. I do what I can when I can and sometimes that means I might fall behind in one thing or another. I just keep moving things around on my priority lists based on due dates and what I can handle emotionally at the time. If I did everything I would be a really horrible mom because the stress would make me really cranky and I would not have the patience in reserve I NEED to have every day to handle their squabbles or tears and homework. That is number one on my list of things. Always has been, always will. So last week even though I didn't answer email for example I did call DHHS which was something I had to brace myself to do. I hate to make phone calls and I was prepared to be stonewalled. I know I was going to most likely feel helpless and disappointed. Maybe for some people it is no big deal but since I hate confrontations so much it brings tears to my eyes it is a BIG deal to me. I know I have to do things but I still have to make myself try and it takes a lot of emotional energy to do it. I know I am better at it then ever before but I do have times I feel like hiding away for a bit.

Now for how my past few days went. Friday was a long day. We had to take to 6am boat to get to our appointments on time. Sofie had her physical and Cade had therapy. Then I had to get groceries and get some things from Wal-mart like some medicine for my sneezing fits and cleaning products and some more back to school clothes shopping for the kids. So of course just to start the day right my battery died in the car. I had my new jumper but it wasn't charged enough yet. So we ran to the boat (half a mile) and just made it. Sofie is kind of a slow runner as you can expect. We got to the therapist and we waited and waited but he didn't come out so we had to leave. It was a mix up. It happens and I wasn't upset about it. Sofie was wonderful at her appointment. She didn't cry or whine and was talkative. The doctor asked about water safety and I told her she started swim lessons this month. Dentist? First visit for Sofie is also this month. I was just on the ball with everything and I felt good and a little less guilt about my bad week and a half because I WAS still doing things just not at the warp speed I had been doing. I just didn't want to really burn out. Sofie is 3 feet and 1/2 an inch now and 31 lbs. She is perfect. The doctor asked about the nasty bump on her forehead (she got with her dad) and Sofie told her, "I hit a door." The doctor looked at me and I looked at her. I mean, how many abused women have you heard about who have "run into the door" before? Cade said she had run into a chair so I told the doctor that. Then she asked me if I had talked to Sofie yet about good and bad touching. I hadn't. The thought hadn't crossed my mind yet. I was thinking maybe when she was 4 or 5 maybe. The doctor asked me if I was concerned Sean might do something like that and I had said no. Then she said, "Did you ever think he would have done anything he has done up to this point? Stealing, lying, cheating, breaking the law? Even if he doesn't do it himself do you think he might leave her with someone who would?" I really had to think about that. I felt bad again because she was right. I still don't think he would do anything like that but do I think he would leave her with someone irresponsible? He does that every time he leave her with that woman. Would Sean leave her with someone he barely knows that could hurt her in order to do so something Sean wants to do? I had to answer, yes, yes he would. If he really wanted to do something he would find a way even if it meant leaving her with some stranger. I guess I have to start having those talks with her. I just wanted to cry. Later that afternoon Sean called Cade's cell phone which I was using in town that day. I answered it and he asked where Connor was. I said I didn't know but most likely on the bus on the way to catch the boat home. Sean said he and Connor had plans to meet up and Sean had waited to pick him up from school and that Connor was going to spend the night. I told him that was news to me. Connor never said he had any plans with Sean and even if he did Sean should have emailed me himself as well. I needed to be informed since I had custody of the kids while Sean had visitation. Teenagers can be unreliable about passing along information and Sean and I needed to be on the same page to make sure we knew where our kids were. If Connor had met up with him and didn't come home I would have called the police and since it wasn't an official visitation weekend Connor would have been brought home to me. Sean was silent. Then I said that maybe if they had plans it slipped Connors mind because Sean's brother was spending the night with us and his parents were coming the next day. Sean very stiffly said, "I see." Then I told him I would let Connor know he had called. Sean asked if Connor had a cell phone and I said he did but it was out of minutes and in fact I had gotten him some more that day. Sean said ,"oh, yeah, I would be grateful if you passed the message." I told him I would and said goodbye. Neither of us seemed angry or raised our voices. I think Sean was confused again. I asked Connor about it later. He was on the bus for home and I saw him at the boat. He had no idea what his dad was talking about. He said they had agreed to meet before school started to do shopping but Sean didn't return Connor's calls so Connor just dropped it. Connor did call Sean back on Saturday. He was going to call again but I reminded him what I had told him before. Just call once. Leave a nice, polite, informative message then just wait. Live your life and not hang around at home waiting for someone else.

On another note, Sean's brother came Friday night and spent the night and went out with Will on the boat for the day. He couldn't work because Will's boss doesn't have a licence for two helpers but he could actually see what Will does and spend some time with him and they had a good day. After words he asked Will if his dad had paid him back the money to took from him and Will told him no and then said, "Now you know how hard I worked to earn it." He also told his uncle how when his dad had gone out twice to fill in for Will (the summer he left) when Will was sick how Sean couldn't handle it and was sea sick, got a sunburn and got a migraine. His uncle laughed and conceded that his brother was a wimp for sure. They got done around 2pm and then Will grilled for everyone. Meanwhile I had prepared all morning by getting extra chairs out, made my own birthday cake from scratch, made homemade mac and cheese, homemade chili, and deviled eggs. I also made hamburger patties out of our hunk of meat, took things out to thaw and marinated some chicken. I also cleaned up the house for some last minutes sprucing. I had forgotten to pick up a new car battery Friday and I could have kicked myself. Thank goodness for the new charger I bought. Every time I have to start the car now I have to jump it. Totally sucks. So at noon I jumped the car and put the charger in the car so I could jump it again when I needed to drive home again and went to pick up Sean's parents and the kids two cousins. Sean's sister had to work at the last minute so she wasn't able to make it. Cade rode down on his bike and Sofie stayed home with Connor since I wouldn't have room in the car otherwise. As I waiting on the dock the boat was pulling in and Cade ran up to me frantically and said, "Dad's on this boat!" I was shocked and I felt my stomach drop. I said, "What? Why?" I had a million thoughts in my head. Did Sean's parents know about this? Was this planned? Did he think he could come into my home after the last time he was here and shoved me into the wall? Is he here because I told him his family was coming? Cade said, " Not just dad, the witch , the beast and the it are coming too." (Beast = Ragan, the it = the baby) Me again, trying to stay calm, "What?! Why?" Cade said he saw one of his littler friends (who is 6) and he had told Cade that his parents were having a barb-q and that they invited (more specifically the father invited) him to come because the father plays in a soccer league against Sean. Plus both him and his wife are teachers and I guess now that Sean is a "teacher" he has joined the teacher cult and there you go. I saw them looking out the ferry window and I was so violently angry and I had to turn around. I saw the father (I can not pronounce much less spell his name and he was smiling and waiting for his guests (there were a lot of them not just Sean and his posse) and his wife was walking down the dock. She saw me and I just stared at her. I had tears, I knew it but I didn't let them fall and I sure did give her a glare. She knew it. She was embarrassed and looked down. She couldn't face me. They don['t live here year round. Her parents do. She and her husband bought a place about 4 years ago and when they did Sean was pissed. He was calling them every name in the book because we were already living here year round and we didn't know the house was for sale. It was all done hush hush and they bought it before anyone knew it was even for sale. House sales like that (and we could have afforded the house at the time) was why the people who were living in the house we were renting before us left the island in the first place to move to another island nearby. They could buy some land and build. Anyway, Cade said quickly he had known his dad had mentioned a couple of weeks ago he had been invited to the barb-q but it was supposed to be at the couples house in town and that his dad hadn't planned on going. Seeing him in town is bad enough but I have become ok with it and don't freak anymore. I always make sure I am around other people and I know he can't get violent with me that way. I could see the "woman" staring at me. She hasn't been here since she was in MY home when I cooked for her, cleaned for her and made her comfortable when all the while she was with my husband. I don't know how they have the GALL to be here. You have to remember people out here view the WHOLE island as home. Not just their homes. When you get off the boat from being in town, the second to touch the dock you have that same feeling of homecoming you do when you go in your own front door. Here she was with her bastard child and daughter showing off in my home....again. She put her hand on her hip and looked at me and just shook her head. I hadn't moved so God only knows why she did that to me. I hadn't said boo. Sean's parents got off first then a bunch of other people then "them". His family wasn't with "them". It was obvious. Cade ran down to the float so he wouldn't have to speak to his dad. His dad called to him and waved. Cade waved back. Kathryn and her daughter waved but he just turned his back on them and ran to his teacher ( he was on the float down a steep ramp.) I knew Cade would have jumped in the ocean just to get away from them. What really grated on my nerves was Sean pushing the baby stroller. He just changed families. That is what he did. He is all, "See what a wonderful dad I am." While I am holding the days mail in my hand with the letter I just got from DHHS telling me they were suspending Sean's license. Double life. Here he is schmoosing buying ferry tickets and food for the b-q while he has contempt of court pending, no license in a few days, thousands of dollars in back child support due, no contact with his older children and a daughter who comes home bruised when she sees him, family who have to come here to see their grandchildren because he doesn't bring them, where was he yesterday while I was taking the kids to therapy that wouldn't have been necessary if he hadn't had a mental illness or left us, where was he when I learned Sofie is now 3 feet tall, 31 lbs and needed a new prescription for a contact dermatitis? Do his new "friends" know this is the kind of man he is? Do they just think it's just a divorce thing? Do they know he cut all his old friend out of his life and is hooking up with old lovers and people he had tried to beat up? Do they know he bad mouthed them left and right when he lived here and they were neighbors? I don't think he or his new girl toy want the kids at all. It is about power and hurting me. They want their own life and the kids are just not a part of it. Not Sean's kids with me anyway. He truly is a pod person. Again, anyway, Sean's parents came up to me and there were hugs all around and I got them in the car. I didn't want to even come close to having any contact with Sean is his stepford family. (BTW they had no idea he was going to be on the boat either and weren't impressed) The car again didn't start but with my handy dandy jumper we were good to go. They were impressed with me. I was cool about it and efficient and had us on or way on seconds. The visit was nice. It was relaxed. I tried to focus on the visit and not think about what I would do if Sean showed up out of the blue. We got caught up on a few things then Will and his uncle came home. I told Will his dad was on island and Will just glared and then said he just wouldn't leave the house and that his dad had better think twice about showing his face here. (Not that Will had to worry. Sean never came by or even called to ask to see the kids. He was half a mile away and never even made the attempt the whole time he was here. Connor had even called him but Sean didn't even answer his phone.) Then it was food. I again impressed them with my cooking, Will did too. I overheard Sean's brother tell his parents how hard Will works and that Will had even cooked him bacon and eggs for breakfast that morning. Sean's brother was pretty bugged about his brother taking money from Will but now seeing what he does to earn it he is even more pissed. Then it was time for cake and presents. I already got some in the mail earlier in the week from my mom and a few cards from people on the island I had displayed. Seans parents gave me a magnet they got on a trip to Tennesse they just came from and a little pink glass dish. I am so afraid it will get broken. It's pretty though. Will got me a mug with a pig on it with a pig tail handle and a little pig spoon that actually hangs on the mug itself. It is so cool. I love pigs. I looked at it and then remembered we had been in town a while ago one late Friday and we had gone to eat at a hibachi and on the way I saw that mug in a store window on display and ooohhed and awwed at it and said how I would like to have it but I didn't have the money. He....acually....remembered...that. That was WEEKS ago. I told him later how cool it was he remembered and whenever he gets a girlfriend someday that would be huge brownie points if he does something like that for her. He just smirked. They were only around for a few hours and left on the 4pm boat. So I was tense without the distraction of company to wonder again if Sean was going to show up or not. After 7pm I knew he would be gone and finally relaxed. Still, the damage was done and even though I was exhausted I couldn't sleep last night. At midnight I broke down and took two of the anxiety pills I STILL have. I should have thrown them away. I think they have expired but it was too late to take a sleeping pill (also expired). I was out in half in hour. At 3:30 I was awake again with an upset stomach and finally fell asleep again around 4:30. Sofie, bless her, slept until 7:40am. I am really tired today. It is my birthday today and I am just feeling my eyes droop. Since we have leftovers I don't need to cook and I have some left over cake (lemon with lemon frosting) Sean's parents said we should have a B&B with all the good food....:) Sean's brother said I overstuffed him and he was going to pay for it later...ha ha. They said they would like to come back and spend the night sometime. We'll see. It's ok with me but it's so hard to plan.

Well, this was long enough. A lot happened. I am glad I got it off my chest. I feel like a bad person and handled things horribly but I guess I feel what I feel, right? *sigh*

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910), (attributed)