Our Island Family Life

Depressing or funny? Hard to tell sometimes.

I got a call to unexpectedly work yesterday. It was ironic that the night before thinking I wasn't going to work I stayed up really late reading. I haven't done that in ages. So I was dragging, but grateful. I had been told it would be until 4pm but it turned out to be a half day. Their boat wouldn't start and they had to go into town to get parts and stuff. So a broken car then a broken boat. That really stinks. Plus I also lost 2 and half days work.

Work for today was cancelled again. Her car was fixed and they took the train down to pick it up today. So it's a wash. Tomorrow isn't happening because they are doing their xmas shopping instead.

Just one of those days. I woke up tired but felt I had a lot to do. I did things that don't require much thought because my mind was otherwise occupied in being down on itself. Cade was feeling bad and it was showing up in sickness symptoms. I gave him a lot of attention and by mid morning he was feeling better. He is back at school now. I guess it wasn't just me feeling sad today. Sofie has been a good girl and I am grateful. The house is cleaned and picked up. I think I was overtired and it made me have bad dreams last night which is why I kept waking up all night. I don't remember much but I do know the last one was about Sean. I woke up I think more emotionally tired than physically so. I am glad not have to to have anything to do with him for at least a week. In the back of my mind though I am afraid he will call. My fear really isn't about him and more of the stress I feel when I have to deal with him. Not knowing what I am going to have to handle and what kind of person he will be presenting himself as for the day.

I should be feeling it right? All gung ho for Christmas and New Years. I don't. It just isn't the same. I feel it more now than I did when Sean first left. I was still in shock I think. We had no money at all for presents but we had a lot of generosity from friends, family and community. It helped. I was able to pull things off last year even though we didn't do a tree and kept things simple. This year things seem to be moving too fast. I am behind in rent which I wasn't last year. I don't have any shopping for them done at all yet. I took Cade to Goodwill so he could do some shopping but that is all I have done. I don't even want to bother. I can't let that mood keep me from trying to make things good for them though. Sometimes I think about stuff I would like but then I get in moods where I just don't want anything at all. The idea of doing decorating and a dinner and everything depresses me. Cade and Sofie won't be here this year for Christmas eve. The first time ever I will be apart from them for the holiday. Not my choice and I hate that. They will be coming home Christmas day. I shouldn't really care right? I promised Cade the boys and I wouldn't open anything until Cade and Sofie came home no matter what time it is. Cade asked his dad to do that last year and Sean promised him they would wait but in the end they didn't and blamed me for it. His dad told him it was my fault because they thought the kids would be there by 2pm and not 7pm and they didn't want the girl to wait because it made her sad. Cade felt betrayed and his dad broke yet another promise. I know he is testing me. I am not worried about it though. We will check out stockings and then wait. The boys have no problem with it. The whole point is to open presents as a family and thank one another for the gifts we have given each other. We have a tradition where we only open one present at a time and we all watch and see who got and who gave the gift. Then say thank you before moving on. It can take a long time to open everything but dragging it out makes things more fun. We also have cinnamon buns and cocoa for breakfast. I am going to make them when they come home so we can still do that. Even if that's what we wind up having for dinner. We usually don't do a big dinner on Christmas day and instead do it on Christmas eve. Not this year since Cade and Sofie won't be here. It is so hard, sad and gut wrenching to see nearly 17 years worth of traditions fly out the window. I am really beginning to hate the argument about how you can do things any day. What's the big deal and all that matters is doing things together. I know all that. It makes a difference when you are the one who makes the choice of changing the days and do the planning than when that choice is taken from you. The helplessness and all the crud that goes with it. Maybe it takes longer to adjust to a "new normal" for holidays because they don't happen as often. So a stage of grief you have come to terms with in another part of your life is behind the ball in others. There is also still that gap that our family isn't complete. Sean presence, no matter how scummy he may be and thoughtless or selfish on most days of the week, is still missed. I understand how the kids can hate him one day and miss him the next. I do. I miss who he was and what he was in our lives. Things like the holidays brings it all back. I just don't like holidays anymore. I don't like my birthday any more. I feel bad that I can't give my younger kids a real birthday party. I remember doing the bowling parties, pizza parties, yada, yada. I feel great regret in not being able to give them what I gave the older kids. I had such high hopes when Sofie was born that she could have even more than her brothers because Sean and I had worked so hard to get to a place to be able to do that. We had more to give than when the older boys were little despite the fact there was more kids. Holidays bring all that stuff back. I am going two steps forward in being able to come to terms with these losses but one step back every birthday, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween. So, I know this. I am not overly morose. I see it. I think about it. I know I need to deal. I feel good knowing I am not clueless like before. I can identify the empty feeling I have that was never there before. The sadness I feel that seems to go hand in hand with the feeling of happiness I feel when I see them open presents. Something that was never there before. I guess these are things that come with experience and getting older. It takes time to put things like this in perspective. I am still in the middle of it. I will wonder why I was taking so long years from now. I will have regrets I didn't appreciate things I have more than I am. I am kind of forcing myself a bit to be festive. I feel I have to. I know in the end I will be glad I did.

Spent a good portion of the day yesterday visiting Sean's parents so the kids could visit for the holiday. It was interesting. I am too tired, perhaps emotionally drained to include everything that went on. Everyone was happy to see us. Me included which was nice. I was a bit nervous that Sean might show up at any second since the whole family was there except one brother and his family because they live in Colorado. All his sisters, his other brother and the other two grand kids were there. Yet knowing everyone was there Sean didn't come. I learned that there have been weekends when Cade wasn't with Sean but Sofie was that Sean had brought Sofie to either his parents or had one of his sisters bring her to another sisters house. Sofie hadn't said anything to me so I never knew. Why bother taking her at all? Will had mentioned the thing I had posted about my friend and her husbands marriage announcement and that got a lot of responses. I really had to bite my tongue and not say anything. Things were said like how disgusting it was and how if you get out of a long term relationship you should wait at least a year to take care of yourself and your own issues before plunging into another relationship. My mind was screaming, what about Sean? He sure has heck didn't wait a year. Not even one flippin' day. One of his sisters slid her eyes my way and smirked. She was thinking the same thing. Then of course when the kids were all occupied some questions were asked of me about how the kids were doing with their dad and everything. It was tough and I had tears in my eyes quite a few times. I never cried but I would have this really quick sick feeling in the pit of my tummy and bam...instant tears. There was no time for making a conscious choice to not cry. Both of his parents are really upset with him but I can really see the difference in how they are dealing with it. His mom is hoping he will eventually wake up. His dad on the other hand sees if he does it will be years and years before it happens and by then the damage might be too great for repair. They even got into a little argument which I squashed. His mom had said how busy Sean was. He is manic. No doubt. I can't tell them that of course since even though they hate what he is doing they can't cross that line into understanding the mental illness part. I guess he is working his ed tech job. Doing part time work as a coach. Going to school. Going to the gym. Playing in his soccer league and about half a dozen other obligations. He isn't sleeping much. One of his sisters lives with him 5 days a week and is getting an eye opener on his actions. Since in our society mania can be overlooked and even valued until you see the big picture it's really hard to tell some people how off he is. Anyway, his dad just got angry and said his busy life wasn't an excuse. He said, "Are you even listening to Amy? Sean has to make the time to be with his kids. It's so simple. It's like she said if I saw my kids only a few days a month then I would plan my life around those times so I could be with them. They need their father." She agreed and said she didn't mean to imply (but maybe she did) that Sean being busy should be an excuse. She just meant she hoped that when things settled some he would be able to see what he was doing more clearly. I said she had said the same thing about when he finished his two year program. I told them there will always be another reason and another excuse for him. He makes himself busy to not face the reality of his life. The fact of the matter is that right now he has his own life and we have ours and our kids are not a part of his new life. His dad was very sad you could see. He is very proud of the kids and how amazing and grown up they are despite everything. He was sad that Sean was just missing everything. His mom then said she agreed with me and said that the few times they have been to visit him when the kids (Cade and Sofie) were there she could see that. She could see Cade struggling and that they treated Sofie well as far as she could see but Cade was treated more like a tolerated guest and not family. His dad said he was not pleased to see how Kathryn treated Sofie. He said the kids would fight as kids do but instead of talking to them both about their actions she would track Sofie down and make her apologize to her daughter every time while her own child never was scolded at all. He said he would be thinking "what are you doing?" Then his mom said that she saw Sean being very harsh with the girl. I told her I felt that was because he didn't really like her. Sean says he wants them to be a integrated family but then tells Cade that the girl is stupid and an idiot. How is that fostering a healthy family? They both shook their heads. I told them I used to talk to Sean about the abuse the girl was doing to Sofie but when ever I say anything any more it makes things worse for the kids so I stopped. So until the day Sofie comes home with broken bones there is little I can do. I said I did hear the girl was in therapy. They said she is and then his dad said it was obvious that girl needed it. I said it was a shame any of the kids were in therapy. The sole reason for it was because of selfish adult actions. They asked me how I was doing it. Keeping everything going and keeping the kids stable. I said therapy was one thing. I told them Sean was now too busy to come and as a result our sessions ended and he no longer comes to Cade's. I told them what we were working on in sessions. His mom asked if Will and Sean could meet in a session to break the ice for them and I told her the offer was made a long time ago and Sean "didn't have the time". Also Sean spoke with Will's counselor and got angry and never talked to her again. So, Will has made offers, visited with him for 6 months, gave him three chances and told him what Will needs to move forward. Sean hasn't taken Will up on anything. Will has set limits and boundaries and what he needs and that is not him being stubborn it's being honest. If anything he has been more than open when he was at his angriest. Now he is simply resigned and has accepted his fathers current limitations. It takes two people to move forward in a relationship and if Sean wants this he has to do something. His mom said Will has a right to have a father and Will should fight for it. I said I agreed and that Will has. I said Sean has a right to have his son and he should fight for it as well but does he? Has he? The bottom line is that there has been a severe breach of trust between them and the only way for it have a chance to be repaired is for Sean to show consistency and stability in his actions and not with words and empty promises with Will. Sean's dad agreed completely. He said one big thing he had dealt with in his own therapy is when he was told that the harder he fought to not be like his dad the more like him he became. He said when he looks at Sean he sees himself. He knows Sean isn't even close to doing what he needs to do for himself or the kids. He sees him just talking the talk but it is hollow and he lies to himself. He said he has tried to talk with him but Sean evades him. He said when he was told that in therapy he didn't understand it at all. It took a long time for him to understand and to stop blaming others for his mistakes and his unhappiness. He sees Sean blaming others. His mom said she did too. He is still blaming his dad and now me. They said how much of a shame it was he was doing this to me. I shrugged. There is nothing I can do about it. It is a shame. It sucks. I have empathy for him. It's sad but the longer he is away from us the more it is an empathy for anyone who is ruining their lives and not for someone I love. I told them I let the kids cry and vent and tell them I love them but sometimes that makes it worse. To see how one parent loves them and struggles and protects them and they can't help but compare even when I don't say anything. I told them we are still trying to find a new normal. His mom said how it's been a while. I told her not really. I have only been divorced a year. The time we were separated I had hope. Not to mention it is a full time job dealing with issues that should be resolved. I have to deal with child support issues. She asked what I meant. I said I have to deal with DHHS to collect child support because Sean isn't consistent (I tried to be tactful) I also have upcoming court issues that deal with contempt and taxes and it is a lot of stress. I said basically that again the bottom line is I do everything for the kids. I am alone. Sean does nothing to support them in any capacity. Even with the child support I don't feel he should get credit for that because I am the one doing all the work to make sure it's even paid. It isn't child support it is money I earned for them. As for emotional support, that's obvious. He does nothing for them school wise, no talks about religion, nothing, nada, zip. It's scary knowing that how your kids turn out is because of you. I think I am doing ok. I could be like Sean though and just blame all their faults on him right....ha.

Choices. I had to reschedule Will and Connor's conferences until next week because Sofie is sick. Last Friday Cade had a tummy ache and felt bad but he never really got sick. I am hoping that was his bout with the "flu" and he was able to fight it off. Last night at 3am Sofie woke up and threw up everywhere. She was able to get some sleep but kept getting up. She doesn't have a fever yet so that's good. She is in good spirits though and no one else here is sick. Cade was the only kid in school today. The teacher called and asked if I wanted him to come home and I said if they were willing to teach him then he could stay. I doubt he was thrilled with that. All the other kids are home with upset stomachs and high fevers. I couldn't bring Sofie with me to town with her upset stomach and my own lack of sleep. I hate having to put off the conferences but I really didn't have a choice. It's times like this I feel sad the kids only have one parent. I can only do so much. It's great the teachers at the school are understanding. Will started his freshman year there only days after Sean left. All the teachers there know the situation and Will has been quiet open and at times blunt about it. I have been to all the conferences and what school events I couldn't attend I sent things like cookies or donations. I try and be as involved as I can even at the high school without being too in your face. I don't want to be "embarrassing". Anyway, Sofie in the end slept more than me and now I will have the challenge of keeping her in bed for the day. She woke up and said she wasn't sick anymore. Of course as long a she isn't actively puking she thinks she isn't sick. Her occasional dry heaves give her away. She also wants to drink a lot and doesn't understand that too much isn't good either. I like having ice pops for her. I am getting some new (to Sofie anyway) kids movies from a neighbor today. I hope they keep her happy so she stays put. Now, back the laundry. She really made a mess.

I really didn't have a reason to not post yesterday. My plans were all changed. I had planned on going for a drive up the coast with a friend to this big store about 3 hours away. I wanted to look at the HUGE amount of books there and maybe do some x-mas shopping. At 50 cents a book I could do really well for the kids for the holidays. It was a nasty day though. Rain and big winds. So we set the plan back a few weekends. I was really sad. I had already rescheduled work for Saturday. I was bummed and had a lot on my mind about how the drop off with the kids went on Friday. It was awful. The kids had their last day of swim lessons until the spring. Parents were able to get in the pool. I didn't go though because I was still sniffy and didn't think it would be a good idea. Afterwords I took the kids to dinner at Subway. It was a real treat since I usually get them something from the store with the food stamps. Then we went to the used book store next door and browsed a bit. You can turn in used paperbacks for credit there and I had some to turn in and I was hoping to get something to read for the boat ride home for free. I didn't find any of the books I was looking for though. I got Cade a book. Sofie had two in the car so she was set. She was busy with her toy from her kids meal anyway. Then we went to the store so I could pick up some milk for home and I got them something to drink. We were running a little behind than normal so we had to hurry up and park and pack up our bags for the walk to the baylines for the pick up. As we began walking Sofie asked if we were going home on the boat. I told her I was but she was going with Cade to see dad. She began crying in the middle of the sidewalk. She said she didn't want to go to the witch's house. I just said, "I know, I know sweetie." I tried to talk about other things to take her mind off it but she cried the whole walk. It takes us about 1o minutes. We got there right on the dot for the pick up time of 5:30. Sean was no where to be seen. I sat Sofie on a bench and wiped her nose. She kept saying she wanted to go home with mumma. I took her with me to buy a ticket and she asked if she could get a ghost ticket. Those are tickets the baylines gives to kids who want a ticket but don't have to pay yet because they are too young. She got it and cried again saying it wasn't a princess ticket. I just held her and hugged her. Cade was all twitchy because he didn't want to go either. He said his dad was going to coach a debate tournament on Saturday and Cade was going to go. He said that he wanted to go because even though he doesn't like going and thinks it's boring he would at least be away from the woman and her kids for the whole day. He said he brings his game boy and a book and parks himself in the adults lounge and is alone the whole day. His dad is in rounds so is not there except at lunch time. Cade likes that part. Still, Cade said he felt bad to go because he was worried about Sofie. He doesn't like her being left alone with Kathryn and Ragan. Especially now that the girl is biting Sofie again. He was torn and it showed. Five minutes before the boat was going to leave Sean came in. That is the last boat of the day too. If I missed it I would be stuck. I would have just taken the kids home anyway though. I told Sofie that her dad was here and she started crying all over again. Sean saw her and asked her what was wrong. She said she wanted to go home. I asked her if she wanted dad to hold her and she yelled no. She said again she wanted to go home with mumma. Sean looked annoyed and told her, "oh, come on Sofie." he didn't sound mean but ...it was. I stood her on the bench and wiped her nose again and she asked to keep the tissue. I then asked her to do me a favor. She said ok. I asked her to go with dad and find the prettiest toy there she could find and bring it home for me. Could she do that? She said she could. I then asked her if she wanted to walk or have dad carry her to the car. Neither of course. So I asked her is she wanted me to take her and she said yes. So I picked her up and began to walk outside to his car. He glared at me and asked me where I was going. Later on I figured out he thought I was leaving to go home with her but at the time I was focused on Cade and Sofie and not his inner mind workings. I kinda blinked and told him I was taking Sofie to his car. To me it was a duh moment. Obviously he hadn't been paying attention to my conversation with Sofie. I had Cade get Sofie's bag with her dinner leftovers, his new books and drink. I got her in his car. She was crying all the way. I told her I was going to let dad buckle her in. She wanted kisses. I gave her some. I told her I would look for a nice princess book for her to read when she got home and she said ok. I said bye to Cade and she was just a wreak. Sean looked at me and thanked me. I still don't think he got it though. I wonder what it will be like when they get home today? I am tired just thinking about it. Sofie wasn't having a tantrum by any means. When a three year old has a tantrum you know it. She was just so sad. I think that made me feel worse.

Still, no money in my account. Trying not to get OCD about it. Really though, it can't come soon enough.

I looked up a book on amazon today that has been getting some buzz by the tweens on the boat thinking it might be something to check out for Cade and the library. I haven't been to my account there in ages since I can't afford to buy anything there anyway. I have been there looking up other things before but just not on my own account. Well, I thought to look at the saved to buy later section and I found stuff Sean had saved to buy there. This is my account with my credit card that would be used. I am sure he had forgotten all about it. He has no access to it now anyway. Still, it was a reminder that even though he had his own account that used his own credit card he was saving stuff and buying stuff on mine with me footing the bill. The stuff was saved in 2007, "the summer Sean went ape-shit" as we like to call it over here. I am sure he felt quite liberated to spend as much as he wanted as long as it wasn't his responsibility to pay anything back. I felt so dumb all over again. I wonder how many more unpleasant surprises I am going to find as the years go by? That was one of the things I hated most when he was still here.
Hearing stories from friends about things Sean did with them when I was out of town or something. It wasn't that he did those things. They weren't really bad. It was humiliating to hear from other people who assumed he had told me all this stuff before. I was so ashamed and when I would tell him how it would make me feel he would get angry and defensive about what he did. Trying to tell him it wasn't about what he did it was about him not telling me about it years ago that was hurtful never got though to him. He would just be angry and then I would feel bad. *sigh* I had hoped now that he is gone those days would be over. I am trying not to feel sad this week in general. Lot's of stuff. It certainly doesn't help that the " 1st anniversary" of the divorce is the 9th. One year and he already has the first anniversary of his new marriage coming up next month and a new baby. It's so unreal to me still. It feels so very very wrong.

Later this week I will be in a place where Sean and I visited a lot. I have a lot of years of memories there with him and Will and Connor. It almost seems like a different life before Cade was born. We were young and both working hard. Sean had his ups and downs and a lot of problems feeling he wasn't good enough, not doing enough, was going to be a bad father. He was hurtful to me during those times pushing me away and said hurtful things but he was faithful and I respected his efforts. Knowing what I know now I can see the bipolar episodes for what they were. The failures and the overextending of himself. The days on end with little to no sleep. The other days of sleeping and we had to be quiet or he would rage. He thought he was too much like his dad during those times and was afraid he would become abusive or alcoholic. We just reminded him of all his good points and got him through it. How naive.

I will be in a place where we did fun things with the kids and alone. A place where we laughed. A place I went a lot with my father and at first didn't want to share with Sean. I didn't want to go to the places I went with my dad and open myself up in that way. I did though. I wanted to share it with the kids and it became exciting. I knew the reason I didn't want to share before was because I knew odds were against us and if things went bad I would be sad. The more I loved him and the more I trusted him the easier it was to open up. Once the kids were born I trusted even more. I wanted Sean to be a part of my life and past and future. I really thought that no matter what fights we might have or bad times we could work through anything. I never once thought he would actually be out of my life, out of the kids life. I feel so sad to be looking forward to not seeing or hearing from him for two weeks in a row when there are no visits.

I waver between wanting to be there and not. I want to go back and build new fun memories with the kids but I also know the older boys will feel bad too. Still, they were little and hopefully not remember as much. They don't like being reminded of what their dad used to be like. I really can't comprehend how a parent can change so completely. If I can't how can they? Anyway, going doesn't bother me as much as before. I suppose next year or whenever I get back it will hurt less. I hope I can be reminded of the good times with a smile more than feeling like crying soon. I also don't want to get so wrapped up in the day to day divorce crap I forget he is sick. He needs help. I no longer feel like I need to be the one to help him. I just don't want to just think of him as a creep. It helps to keep me calm and less angry and reasonable to deal with the next problem he deals us with when I remember the place he is coming from. It helps me more than anything. It also helps the kids.

I have been so busy I haven't had time to do much to fix this blog back up. I will have some free time tonight and hopefully I will be able to just have some fun with it and not see it as a chore. There were some problems with people getting back on from a direct link but it seems to be working ok now. I am not sure what happened but I am not going to think about it much or I will feel really sad. From time to time I would go back and re read stuff I wrote just like a regular journal. I could see how far I have come or things I wish I could be better at. I am at work right now so I can't write much. I just wanted to do a little update. I have been reading a lot. Total escapism. I really needed it. At the expense of a clean house and cooked meals as opposed to sandwiches. I am weaning myself off the books now. I read 4 books in as many days with the help of a really cool clip that keeps the book open and your hand free. I did dishes and everything with it. I still ....too much of a good thing you know.