Our Island Family Life

I should be feeling it right? All gung ho for Christmas and New Years. I don't. It just isn't the same. I feel it more now than I did when Sean first left. I was still in shock I think. We had no money at all for presents but we had a lot of generosity from friends, family and community. It helped. I was able to pull things off last year even though we didn't do a tree and kept things simple. This year things seem to be moving too fast. I am behind in rent which I wasn't last year. I don't have any shopping for them done at all yet. I took Cade to Goodwill so he could do some shopping but that is all I have done. I don't even want to bother. I can't let that mood keep me from trying to make things good for them though. Sometimes I think about stuff I would like but then I get in moods where I just don't want anything at all. The idea of doing decorating and a dinner and everything depresses me. Cade and Sofie won't be here this year for Christmas eve. The first time ever I will be apart from them for the holiday. Not my choice and I hate that. They will be coming home Christmas day. I shouldn't really care right? I promised Cade the boys and I wouldn't open anything until Cade and Sofie came home no matter what time it is. Cade asked his dad to do that last year and Sean promised him they would wait but in the end they didn't and blamed me for it. His dad told him it was my fault because they thought the kids would be there by 2pm and not 7pm and they didn't want the girl to wait because it made her sad. Cade felt betrayed and his dad broke yet another promise. I know he is testing me. I am not worried about it though. We will check out stockings and then wait. The boys have no problem with it. The whole point is to open presents as a family and thank one another for the gifts we have given each other. We have a tradition where we only open one present at a time and we all watch and see who got and who gave the gift. Then say thank you before moving on. It can take a long time to open everything but dragging it out makes things more fun. We also have cinnamon buns and cocoa for breakfast. I am going to make them when they come home so we can still do that. Even if that's what we wind up having for dinner. We usually don't do a big dinner on Christmas day and instead do it on Christmas eve. Not this year since Cade and Sofie won't be here. It is so hard, sad and gut wrenching to see nearly 17 years worth of traditions fly out the window. I am really beginning to hate the argument about how you can do things any day. What's the big deal and all that matters is doing things together. I know all that. It makes a difference when you are the one who makes the choice of changing the days and do the planning than when that choice is taken from you. The helplessness and all the crud that goes with it. Maybe it takes longer to adjust to a "new normal" for holidays because they don't happen as often. So a stage of grief you have come to terms with in another part of your life is behind the ball in others. There is also still that gap that our family isn't complete. Sean presence, no matter how scummy he may be and thoughtless or selfish on most days of the week, is still missed. I understand how the kids can hate him one day and miss him the next. I do. I miss who he was and what he was in our lives. Things like the holidays brings it all back. I just don't like holidays anymore. I don't like my birthday any more. I feel bad that I can't give my younger kids a real birthday party. I remember doing the bowling parties, pizza parties, yada, yada. I feel great regret in not being able to give them what I gave the older kids. I had such high hopes when Sofie was born that she could have even more than her brothers because Sean and I had worked so hard to get to a place to be able to do that. We had more to give than when the older boys were little despite the fact there was more kids. Holidays bring all that stuff back. I am going two steps forward in being able to come to terms with these losses but one step back every birthday, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween. So, I know this. I am not overly morose. I see it. I think about it. I know I need to deal. I feel good knowing I am not clueless like before. I can identify the empty feeling I have that was never there before. The sadness I feel that seems to go hand in hand with the feeling of happiness I feel when I see them open presents. Something that was never there before. I guess these are things that come with experience and getting older. It takes time to put things like this in perspective. I am still in the middle of it. I will wonder why I was taking so long years from now. I will have regrets I didn't appreciate things I have more than I am. I am kind of forcing myself a bit to be festive. I feel I have to. I know in the end I will be glad I did.