Our Island Family Life: deep breaths

- Discussing my pregnancy with Cade, "You were pregnant 9 months? It takes that long?"

- "The Beatles were British?"
- "People can die from cancer?"
- After a fight with Will, "I really want to dump my drink on you! No, wait, then you would dump me on you. Wait, that's not right. What did I say?"
- After getting a cup of hot chai, "Is this hot?" Will, "No, it's from the arctic." Cade, "No! I mean is this from a machine?"

- Will reads a quote from a paper, "Wise people think all that they say and fools say all that they think." Cade,"That's mean. Is that Libra?"

Friday, December 4, 2009

deep breaths

Posted by perphila at 8:29 AM

I am feeling tense and upset today. All I really want to do is work at home but I think Sofie might benefit going over to the school for a play practice today. Her fever seems gone but she is still coughing. Sometimes fresh air helps. I dunno though. Sometimes I wish there was someone else to make decisions for me.

As for what I am doing for the kids this weekend I still don't know. Sean hasn't emailed me back so I don't know if he wants the kids to travel sick or not. I know my decision would be no but it is not worth it to get into an argument with him about it. I most likely won't know what to do until 3pm. I am trying right now not to be angry with him. I know he is hypo manic right now. Having rational conversations won't happen and when they do he won't remember them. His memory is even worse when he is like this. I checked my bank account and I got another $306 from DHHS. So I guess they are finally getting his money from the school. It's still $400 a month short of what he owes however. I will have to ask them AGAIN why they aren't tapping his disability. I also have to tell them about his part time coaching job so the kids can get some of that. When Sean is like this he isn't a detail kinda guy. He doesn't inform them of his jobs and I know he isn't offering to pay DHHS any portion of his disability which he could be doing on his own. Is he just a jerk or is this part of his illness? I want to say jerk so badly it hurts. I feel a weight on my chest that I know is all negative feeling akin to hatred. That he could not care about his kids just drives me nuts. I haven't felt this way for a couple of months. I had hoped these feelings had lessened. Maybe the holidays are making it worse? He still hasn't paid the IRS and I will have to bite the bullet and have to talk to him about this again. I am trying not to live my life feeling scared about money. I wouldn't if I wasn't still paying off his financial mistakes. His episode really crippled us. Not just our marriage but our finances and our kids emotional well- being. I now have to send Connor back to therapy. He missed school today when he was obviously feeling better. I told him if he did it again he was going back to therapy. So now I will have to go through the motions next week of the phone calls and then him being pissed at me for God knows how long. Something is going to snap soon and I don't know what. I just hope it isn't me. I wish I had the male ability to compartmentalize. Not even divorce is saving me from the bipolar nightmare. The fallout is so horrible. What is worse for me is the fact he doesn't even realize it. I doubt he even cares. I don't feel bad anymore that he doesn't care what he has done to me but as our family as a whole and our kids especially. I am not going to think about this for now. I just can't.