Our Island Family Life

I am no longer swayed by little bits of kindness Sean occasionally shows anymore. I now see it as a precursor to something nasty down the road. When the kids were sick last week I asked Sean to send some juice and medicine and he did. That was a good thing. He didn't offer. I had to ask. Also he waited a full day before getting around to doing it. I will give him points for doing it at all. My heart didn't soften because of it.

Connor had some issues with his xbox. It was broken and he had managed to get a "new" used one yesterday after school. Sadly, when he tried it out it didn't work properly. He was pretty mad which I don't blame him for but I was glad to see this time he didn't take it out on any of us. He even was composed enough to not act like a jerk the whole evening. We all felt bad for him. I guess however he was still wanting some sympathy and he called his dad. I understand his need to want to talk with his dad about his problems like he used to. He still doesn't quite understand that while his dad may sound sympathetic and say all the right things he is really only using the opportunity to further his own needs and agenda.

Connor brought the phone to me saying Sean wanted to ask me about Connor spending some weeknights with him and Connor didn't want to "deal with it" and wanted to me tell his dad that wasn't going to be happening. Sean and I have discussed this before. No school nights and both Sean and I need to know about any weekend visits. I took the phone expecting for Sean to talk about Connor coming to a visit and instead he begins giving me the third degree about Connor's school work. I was surprised and I am sure I sounded it. I answered his questions but it became obvious he was confused. A lot of the questions were things we had already discussed over the phone weeks ago. Also he kept asking me why the school site was saying he was failing all his classes. I had told him before about how this school works and it's grading system and how the site is only as good as when the teachers update and they can't do it every single day which can mean a lot. I flat out told him again Connor wasn't failing his classes. He had passed everything for the last trimester except for one incomplete which he dealt with already even if it wasn't reflected on the site. He kept asking me if the site was "lying". Why wasn't it updated? Things like that I I really can't answer. So he got angry with me and said fine he would just call the teachers himself. I told him that was fine. Then he began questioning me again about what Connor had done to fix things. I told him to hold on and that he could ask Connor himself. I got Connor and told him his dad was concerned about his school work and that the school site hadn't been updated to reflect his grades and was saying he had failed all his classes from the last trimester. Connor just shook his head and sighed and took the phone. I told him he dad wanted to know what he had done and what teachers he talked to to make up his work. Connor spoke to his dad and they hung up. I was surprised again but Sean didn't ask to speak to me again about any visits and didn't say anything about if what Connor had told him helped clear up any confusion. Connor said he felt his dad now understood things better.

I checked my email on instinct and sure enough there was something there from Sean. He was real suave hitting all the right points. I knew this was something he was dying to print out for some judge. I was beside myself at his attitude and what was worse he cc'd it to Connor! He was telling me how he believed I was irritated at him over the phone and frustrated at his inconsistency when it came to Connor and his school and how bad I must feel to have had to carry the burden. He said how I "needed" to work with him and how disappointed he was. He was trying to sound like he understood my feelings and that I might be resistant to him trying to help Connor but that he was interested and willing to help. He really made me look like I was a bad guy hindering Connor's progress. He said he would call me later this week to discuss what we had to do for Connor. There was a huge power play thing going on. He was "telling" me what I needed to do and what he was going to decide for Connor basically.

Anyway, since he sent it to Connor too we had to discuss it. Connor wasn't pleased. He asked me if his dad had spoken to me about any visits and I said no. Connor read the email and shook his head and told me to not even bother answering it. He said, "Let him call my teachers. If he doesn't listen to you or me maybe he will listen to them. He said he now understood me but apparently that was hot air." It's too bad Connor got to see how much his dad was trying to make me look like an idiot and a bad mother. Will said, "You really shouldn't have called him." Connor didn't say anything. Usually by this point he would be defending his dad. He didn't this time.

So, there was a lot I wanted to say to Sean. I didn't respond to the email though. Several reasons. One I felt I would be giving Sean something he wanted even if he didn't realize it. I was not going to engage him in conflict. This is something he craves and it releases his tensions and stresses and I am not going to be his emotional punching bag. Let his new wife do that. Second, he wasn't listening to me anyway. I do not need to defend myself. I answered all his questions to the best of my ability surprised or not. This was all I could do to co-parent with him. Him showing interest is good. Sadly, based on his track record I know it will be short lived and any thing he agrees to do to "help" Connor won't last. It better to have a plan in place that doesn't have to rely on Sean as a major component. I also noted that if Connor hadn't called Sean more than likely Sean would not have called me about this new found interest in Connor's education. Also, where is Sean's concern in his other kids in school? You can't just pick and choose which kid you want to have interest in when it's convenient for you. You have to find a balance for each of them. Some days you are better at it than others but you don't totally ignore some of them. I really thought it was audacious of him to tell me what I "needed" to do for our kids. Give me a break. That was what stuck in my throat. What about what he needs and should to for his kids? Like pay the child support, go to conferences, not steal from them, talk to them, not lie to them, give them birthday presents, come to their events, offer to help them with anything, not block their medical treatments, treat their mother with respect and not shove her in front of them? How about that? Heaven forbid if I don't answer a question he may have I don't even know the answer to. Not to mention a big factor in some of Connor's missing work has been his mood swings and how when he has visited his dad he has missed school because he has gotten ill after visits. I am well aware this illness is in his head. He is upset emotionally even though he denies it and says , "whatever", but then he gets headaches and stomach aches and even gets fevers. So why would I let Connor stay with him on a school night? The last time I did that he was "sick" for three days. Can I co parent with Sean and tell him this? HA...yeah right.

So, the confusion he was showing was concerning. It was more than just not being fully informed. The ego and insistence we were lying to him, a website is lying was also kinda freaky. I am sure he has a good spin on it for "the wife" so I look like Miss Crazy Pants. I don't mean to joke about it but at this point it is a coping skill to keep me from getting angry with him for some things I know he isn't in control of. I wonder how long it will take for him to go back to his meds? For all I know he resumed taking them and this is a new side effect. I just don't know anymore and if it didn't directly affect the kids I really wouldn't care either.