Wednesday, December 16, 2009
As I am writing this, I am sitting in bed with the laptop on my knees. Sofie is behind me on the pillows and brushing my hair out. It is kind of painful. She is trying to be careful though. We have a Disney movie on so it's nice and quiet really.
Today is the craft day when we help the kids make presents for friends and family. I really don't want to go. I will though because I need to motivate myself. I am doing something extremely simple. It isn't really a craft. Years ago when the older boys were little my mom gave the kids a little snack sized baggie that had dry oatmeal and glitter in it. There was a note inside that said it was for Santa's reindeer. So every xmas eve the kids would spread it on the lawn. It would be magically refilled every year and to this day even the older boys go out every xmas and "feed" the deer. It is a cute tradition now. So, I got the stuff to make some and printed out the note and we are going to make them for our craft. It may not be much but it cost me $2 to make 20 of them and it means a lot to Cade. There will be the story to go along with it and hopefully the kids will get the whole family togetherness thing. Since today is a half day we are doing it in the afternoon so the kids here don't really miss school. The older boys don't go in on the boat on half days because they spend more time on the boat than in school. Connor is here and is going to help. Will went to school because he has some xmas shopping to do and he is going to use his gift card he got at the party. The restaurant is open from 11am to 2pm then closes and reopens again at 5pm. The later time is not good because of the boat schedule but the earlier time is perfect for the half day schedule.
I have a nasty tummy ache today. I am hoping it will go away by the time we have to be at the hall at 1pm. Otherwise I will really be using Connor to help with Sofie. Do NOT want to do that.
Work. Well, I found out the reason I didn't get to work Monday and Tuesday was because the mom and her son I babysit for were stuck in another state. She has three other kids from a previous marriage and they were here for the party. She was driving them back to their dad. He lives in Massachusetts and we live in Maine. Personally I don't know why he had to move so far away but, there you go. Anyway, her car died in New Hampshire and there she was stuck with four kids. I would have just cried. The car is still there. $1400 worth of repair needed. It always happens at the holidays doesn't it? I had hoped to work today but since it would have been a half day anyway we are just going to wait until tomorrow. She has catching up to do too. We are trying to plan the same day off for shopping. I need to do it and so does she that way I can be here for her and I can earn some money. Crazy scheduling.
I am not a the glass is half full or a half empty person anymore. Instead I am thrilled there is even water, unless it's poisoned.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Just one of those days. I woke up tired but felt I had a lot to do. I did things that don't require much thought because my mind was otherwise occupied in being down on itself. Cade was feeling bad and it was showing up in sickness symptoms. I gave him a lot of attention and by mid morning he was feeling better. He is back at school now. I guess it wasn't just me feeling sad today. Sofie has been a good girl and I am grateful. The house is cleaned and picked up. I think I was overtired and it made me have bad dreams last night which is why I kept waking up all night. I don't remember much but I do know the last one was about Sean. I woke up I think more emotionally tired than physically so. I am glad not have to to have anything to do with him for at least a week. In the back of my mind though I am afraid he will call. My fear really isn't about him and more of the stress I feel when I have to deal with him. Not knowing what I am going to have to handle and what kind of person he will be presenting himself as for the day.
Connor came to me this morning and told me that Sofie had told him that Kathryn was telling her she needed a haircut again. Sofie was worried and upset that Kathryn was going to cut it. I had thought the issue over but I guess she has been telling Sofie this on every visit and now Sofie is asking us if this is going to happen or not. Connor was shaking his head and wondering why Kathryn would even say such a thing to Sofie in the first place. Then Cade heard Connor and told him about what she had said to him on Saturday. Connor seemed a little tense and then wondered out loud what her problem was. He said, "What's it matter to her even if you did eat candy in the morning. I mean, I know you weren't but isn't that dad's problem? Dad used to do stuff like that all the time. If anyone was a "bad example" it was him. Besides, if it were me I would have eaten a piece right in front of her since she was being an idiot." This seemed to cheer Cade up a little. Usually Connor is in Cade's face telling him how if things are bad there it's because Cade is overreacting. Connor doesn't want to believe things there are that tense and bad. The few times he has visited she was nice to him and so his visit wasn't representative of the reality. They were trying to be on their best behavior to lure him in. Even so, he heard himself being bad mouthed just not to his face. That ticked him off. Since Cade and Sofie have been going to longest they don't hide it now. Even in the time Will was going it went from best behavior to outright hostility in six months. He had the ability to not go back. Connor is doing the same. Cade wants to but Sofie is a different story. I feel bad today because of her really. She doesn't call Sean dad. She calls him Sean. Today she asked if I was taking her to the mean witch's house and I said no. She said she wanted to see Sean. I told her she would soon. She is very confused about a lot of things. She tells her friends and other adults she doesn't have a daddy. She calls her own dad by his first name. She likes him but also thinks he is loud and scary. She likes some of the other dad's that live here much better. She likes hanging out with them when we have get togethers. I think she misses having a dad even thought she hasn't ever really had one since she was a year old. She sees other kids have dad's and is beginning to question her family. She can see the outright anger and ill feeling her brothers (who she adores) have for Sean and is finding it hard it understand. She is only now really beginning to find her voice and as such it is only a matter of time before the alienation begins with Sean. Since she hasn't been able to speak up for herself he still can delude himself about her feelings for him. I have tried to tell him about her confusion but was shot down so there isn't anything I can do to help her on that front. I feel bad about myself in that I couldn't provide her with the family her brothers had when they were her age. Things were supposed to be even better for her but instead it's all a shambles. I am really beginning to hate the holidays.
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