Our Island Family Life: dreams

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Do not let it get to you.

1 comments Posted by perphila at 9:27 AM

Depressing or funny? Hard to tell sometimes.

So, it's that time of the week where I freak about money. The good thing about being sick you don't really care about anything and so I was able to sleep and not worry about money and dirt and stuff. Last night I was finally able to fully breathe and then found I couldn't sleep. It's been a while since I had my mind running a bit worrying about money and then of course that led back to why I am in this situation and I began fretting about Sean. All the old hurts and stuff. I cried. Finally, I fell asleep at midnight only to wake up from having a nightmare about him hitting me. So, I was up again and it was really too late to take something to help me sleep. Wonderful. Sofie, bless her heart, slept until 8am so I was able to get some rest and not feel worn out today. I think tonight I might take a tylenol pm and go from there. I am just trying to enjoy my day today. I have the upstairs to clean. A nightmare you can't even imagine. I will also write some more. I have nearly 70 pages done. I like some of it and not others. This is most likely a doomed and futile attempt but I want to try it at least once and then I can have no regrets. Plus, I need to get over being embarrassed. There are things I just can't get over. I am too modest. Too much me in it I suppose.

My big problem of the day (outside of all the normal life shortening drama)....I am out of butter....:(

Monday, December 14, 2009

Feeling miserable

0 comments Posted by perphila at 1:20 PM

Just one of those days. I woke up tired but felt I had a lot to do. I did things that don't require much thought because my mind was otherwise occupied in being down on itself. Cade was feeling bad and it was showing up in sickness symptoms. I gave him a lot of attention and by mid morning he was feeling better. He is back at school now. I guess it wasn't just me feeling sad today. Sofie has been a good girl and I am grateful. The house is cleaned and picked up. I think I was overtired and it made me have bad dreams last night which is why I kept waking up all night. I don't remember much but I do know the last one was about Sean. I woke up I think more emotionally tired than physically so. I am glad not have to to have anything to do with him for at least a week. In the back of my mind though I am afraid he will call. My fear really isn't about him and more of the stress I feel when I have to deal with him. Not knowing what I am going to have to handle and what kind of person he will be presenting himself as for the day.

Connor came to me this morning and told me that Sofie had told him that Kathryn was telling her she needed a haircut again. Sofie was worried and upset that Kathryn was going to cut it. I had thought the issue over but I guess she has been telling Sofie this on every visit and now Sofie is asking us if this is going to happen or not. Connor was shaking his head and wondering why Kathryn would even say such a thing to Sofie in the first place. Then Cade heard Connor and told him about what she had said to him on Saturday. Connor seemed a little tense and then wondered out loud what her problem was. He said, "What's it matter to her even if you did eat candy in the morning. I mean, I know you weren't but isn't that dad's problem? Dad used to do stuff like that all the time. If anyone was a "bad example" it was him. Besides, if it were me I would have eaten a piece right in front of her since she was being an idiot." This seemed to cheer Cade up a little. Usually Connor is in Cade's face telling him how if things are bad there it's because Cade is overreacting. Connor doesn't want to believe things there are that tense and bad. The few times he has visited she was nice to him and so his visit wasn't representative of the reality. They were trying to be on their best behavior to lure him in. Even so, he heard himself being bad mouthed just not to his face. That ticked him off. Since Cade and Sofie have been going to longest they don't hide it now. Even in the time Will was going it went from best behavior to outright hostility in six months. He had the ability to not go back. Connor is doing the same. Cade wants to but Sofie is a different story. I feel bad today because of her really. She doesn't call Sean dad. She calls him Sean. Today she asked if I was taking her to the mean witch's house and I said no. She said she wanted to see Sean. I told her she would soon. She is very confused about a lot of things. She tells her friends and other adults she doesn't have a daddy. She calls her own dad by his first name. She likes him but also thinks he is loud and scary. She likes some of the other dad's that live here much better. She likes hanging out with them when we have get togethers. I think she misses having a dad even thought she hasn't ever really had one since she was a year old. She sees other kids have dad's and is beginning to question her family. She can see the outright anger and ill feeling her brothers (who she adores) have for Sean and is finding it hard it understand. She is only now really beginning to find her voice and as such it is only a matter of time before the alienation begins with Sean. Since she hasn't been able to speak up for herself he still can delude himself about her feelings for him. I have tried to tell him about her confusion but was shot down so there isn't anything I can do to help her on that front. I feel bad about myself in that I couldn't provide her with the family her brothers had when they were her age. Things were supposed to be even better for her but instead it's all a shambles. I am really beginning to hate the holidays.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Back to it

0 comments Posted by perphila at 2:12 PM

Lest we forget what started the need for this blog as my personal stress outlet..:)

Anyway, I had been thinking back on my life before the bipolar and depression and etc. and I wonder if I used up my life allowance of non stress free life. I had all the usual life stresses but in comparison to my life now I was pretty naive to say the least. I am still naive but at least I know I am now. Not as arrogant. Now that I have been able to sleep some with my cold improving I have been dreaming again. I had Sean on my mind yesterday and so he was in my dream last night. I had been thinking about him because I had emailed him about when to pick up the kids today. I usually to that on Thursdays so he knows a day ahead of time. Well, he emailed me back within half an hour. (Isn't he supposed to be at work?) and he wondered if I meant he was picking the kids up on Friday. I guess he was confused and thought I may have meant for him to get them on Thursday. If he had just taken a second to think he would know I usually email him on Thursdays about Friday pick up times. Also since he is part of the school system now he should know there isn't any school days off that would allow him to get the kids on Thursday. How would Cade get to school otherwise? Sean can't just drive him to school. Cade would have to get a 5:10am ferry from town to be able to be on time for school. I have no problem being sympathetic to maybe forgetting what day it is sometimes. Who doesn't? I just get concerned when I see the guy I knew who was on top on everything get confused, forgetful and not thinking things through. I know....KNOW...he isn't taking his meds that were prescribed for these very same memory issues. Heck, I don't even know if they would have worked or not. So, I was thinking about that off and on. I was annoyed at his email when really I shouldn't have been. It was a good thing he was at least asking. I was bugged at myself for not being more understanding. I really need to have more patience. I had very little of it yesterday and I don't know why. Sofie was getting into everything and didn't want to nap and was testing every one's boundaries. I was really losing my mind. I felt great when she did finally nap but when she got up it was the same thing all over again. She really isn't like this so I know it was more than my own nerves. Cade said she was acting like that girl and that made me angry all over again. It is out of my control. It isn't Sofie's fault she is getting two different signals of how to behave when she is with her dad. It is Sean's and mine for not being able to have one set of rules for her to learn. I have tried so many times in phone calls, face to face, email and therapy for us to have a parenting plan for the kids, yet nothing from him. Again, this is where he thinks of the other girl first. How she is raised is up to her mom. They say it's not fair for the her to see Sofie being disciplined a different way. I say why not? Maybe she would learn a thing or two. Like how not to steal. Grrr.. Anyway, I can see this will be an issue for Sofie and a long term struggle. Just what I wanted, another long term problem.

So, back to my dream, it wasn't all that bad. Mostly sad. There was an understanding there between us I miss more than anything. He was resting with me and we didn't really talk. Some people thought we were together but I said he was married. I got some dirty looks but we weren't doing anything but sitting. Then my dream morphed into a really cool scifi thing...which I enjoyed much more...:)

Cade had another bad evening Wednesday. I am glad we are focusing on how to deal with stress and how to tackle tough conversations in therapy. Of course Connor was in the middle of it all. He really didn't do anything but Cade just was snappy. It led to a talk and crying was involved. Cade did real well and even though things weren't really resolved I could see the effort Cade put in. Connor on the other hand really bugged me. I was glad to see he wasn't angry. I was worried to see him say things like he doesn't care if people are hurting him or were mad at him. He is really in denial of his feelings and it's only going to bite him in the butt. Also he has expectations of Cade being able to deal with things the way Connor does. I tried to explain to him Cade is only ten and he is doing an amazing job for his age. I know he gets frustrating and can be hurtful and that is something to work on. Cade doesn't get a free pass for things like name calling or saying shut up. Connor complained that Cade walks away too much. I tried to explain the TWO part thing we are working on in therapy about walking away when you feel like your losing control and then being able to come back to try to talk again. It is hard for adults to do. Cade is only just now beginning to work on the coming back part and he is very stressed about it. Connor just has no empathy at times. If he can't understand it or hasn't experienced it then it's stupid to him. I am not liking that in him. Having empathy for others is vital. I need to get Connor back to therapy.

I never did say how his visit with his dad went. I doubt he will go back anytime soon. His dad didn't take him anywhere or get him anything. Connor had his own money amazingly enough but his dad wouldn't even give him a ride. He also was supposed to help him with his math and he didn't do that either. They didn't talk about any kind of bonding feelings or to even catch up on stuff. They talked about music which is the only thing they have in common and Sean told Connor about how HIS life was going and what HE was doing. Connor said he was a selfish jerk. Oh well. I wanted to say I told you so but wisely kept my mouth SHUT. I didn't ask if he was going to see him again. I didn't ask anything. Then Connor got sick. I wonder how much of it was depression. He did have a fever on Wednesday. The rest of the days he was just shut off. He drank hot tea and took his medicine. It's so hard to tell. He certainly LOOKED miserable. I was sick myself so I wasn't looking as closely as I should have I suppose. I don't think it's too far of a stretch to think his getting "sick" so close after a visit with his dad is coincidence.

I read a story the other day and I thought of the kids and what they are going through with their dad. I cried. Here is a quote:

She loved her father with all of her might; yet she knew that he would continue to hurt her, and she must continue to forgive him.

That isn't any way to live.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Too much information

0 comments Posted by perphila at 5:22 PM

Ok. Here is where I yet again delve into my unconscious mind and try and figure out what I am trying to tell myself. Along the way I am most likely going to go into the too much info territory. I had a dream last night. Dreams are dreams and although at times I am able to control them somewhat most of the time I don't even realize I am dreaming until it's just about over anyway. Luckily or unluckily depending on the dream I am quite good at remembering them and I usually have at least 4 or 5 a night I can recall. Not bad. So last night I only remember one. I am not sure how I feel about it. It has left me thinking about it all day though. I felt good. I felt bad. I felt ashamed. I felt powerful. I was going back and forth like a swing. When Sean first left I had dreams about him from time to time. None of them good. He laughed at me. Used me. Made me feel worse in my dreams than I did when I was awake and that's saying a LOT. After a few months I stopped dreaming about him. I felt that was a good thing. Very good. So he was in my dream last night and my first thought was why? Why now? What is going on in ME that brings him back into play? Long and short of it though is that he wasn't bad or mean to me per se. He used me yes but I was using him as well in the dream. In that sense there was more equality there even though what we were doing wasn't very nice. What were we doing? Well, you know how in dreams you know things even if you don't see what's going on? Some people I know don't remember their dreams. Anyway, we were having sex. Good or bad for me (you judge) it wasn't porno sex or even HBO sex it was more 18th century implied sex. So I KNEW it was going on but I didn't even get a chance to enjoy it even in my dreams. Oh well. It was nothing loving though. He was cheating on his wife with me. It was truly weird. Was I missing him? Missing sex? Feeling vengeful towards her? Wanting to use and abuse him as he did me? Wanting some fulfilling irony in my life? Did that make me like her? After all I was having sex with a married man. Still, it was hard for me to feel like I was a bad person in "that" sense because I was having sex with my "husband". Even though he isn't anymore. I didn't want anything from him in a loving sense. I knew that. It was just a straight up, in it's own separate box kinda thing. How did this affect our relationship? He still was an ass. He did nothing to improve himself as a father or co-parent. He still didn't pay child support. He was the same jerk he is now. It was kind of cool being with him in a way though because there was NO expectations there. I was comfortable with him and was downright mean a lot of the time. Not who I really am. I talked to him as I wanted while were in that room without fear of how he was going to react because I really didn't care. I said things I have never said to him before and demanded things, never asked for anything. I didn't care how this would complicate his life. I even thought about continuing with it if I found someone else. So against my values in every single way. I was really horrible. I played by my own rules and if he didn't like it, so what? I know the dream wasn't about sex really. Subtext maybe but it was more about letting go of stuff and not being afraid and asking questions of myself. Maybe he was in the dream because he is who I am familiar with? Maybe a lot of it is really about him and how I feel about him. I wasn't sad in any way to not feel a shred of love for him in all this. That spark that is love was totally absent and any "feelings" I had were purely physical and could have been there for anyone I found attractive. He was simply convenient and the stick it to "her" value was a bonus but not a driving factor. Doing something forbidden and wrong were pretty big turn ons too I must say. Again, nothing I would ever do in real life. I would feel so sick if I was really like that it wouldn't be worth it to do in the first place. So, much to think about and ponder.

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