Our Island Family Life

Ok. Here is where I yet again delve into my unconscious mind and try and figure out what I am trying to tell myself. Along the way I am most likely going to go into the too much info territory. I had a dream last night. Dreams are dreams and although at times I am able to control them somewhat most of the time I don't even realize I am dreaming until it's just about over anyway. Luckily or unluckily depending on the dream I am quite good at remembering them and I usually have at least 4 or 5 a night I can recall. Not bad. So last night I only remember one. I am not sure how I feel about it. It has left me thinking about it all day though. I felt good. I felt bad. I felt ashamed. I felt powerful. I was going back and forth like a swing. When Sean first left I had dreams about him from time to time. None of them good. He laughed at me. Used me. Made me feel worse in my dreams than I did when I was awake and that's saying a LOT. After a few months I stopped dreaming about him. I felt that was a good thing. Very good. So he was in my dream last night and my first thought was why? Why now? What is going on in ME that brings him back into play? Long and short of it though is that he wasn't bad or mean to me per se. He used me yes but I was using him as well in the dream. In that sense there was more equality there even though what we were doing wasn't very nice. What were we doing? Well, you know how in dreams you know things even if you don't see what's going on? Some people I know don't remember their dreams. Anyway, we were having sex. Good or bad for me (you judge) it wasn't porno sex or even HBO sex it was more 18th century implied sex. So I KNEW it was going on but I didn't even get a chance to enjoy it even in my dreams. Oh well. It was nothing loving though. He was cheating on his wife with me. It was truly weird. Was I missing him? Missing sex? Feeling vengeful towards her? Wanting to use and abuse him as he did me? Wanting some fulfilling irony in my life? Did that make me like her? After all I was having sex with a married man. Still, it was hard for me to feel like I was a bad person in "that" sense because I was having sex with my "husband". Even though he isn't anymore. I didn't want anything from him in a loving sense. I knew that. It was just a straight up, in it's own separate box kinda thing. How did this affect our relationship? He still was an ass. He did nothing to improve himself as a father or co-parent. He still didn't pay child support. He was the same jerk he is now. It was kind of cool being with him in a way though because there was NO expectations there. I was comfortable with him and was downright mean a lot of the time. Not who I really am. I talked to him as I wanted while were in that room without fear of how he was going to react because I really didn't care. I said things I have never said to him before and demanded things, never asked for anything. I didn't care how this would complicate his life. I even thought about continuing with it if I found someone else. So against my values in every single way. I was really horrible. I played by my own rules and if he didn't like it, so what? I know the dream wasn't about sex really. Subtext maybe but it was more about letting go of stuff and not being afraid and asking questions of myself. Maybe he was in the dream because he is who I am familiar with? Maybe a lot of it is really about him and how I feel about him. I wasn't sad in any way to not feel a shred of love for him in all this. That spark that is love was totally absent and any "feelings" I had were purely physical and could have been there for anyone I found attractive. He was simply convenient and the stick it to "her" value was a bonus but not a driving factor. Doing something forbidden and wrong were pretty big turn ons too I must say. Again, nothing I would ever do in real life. I would feel so sick if I was really like that it wouldn't be worth it to do in the first place. So, much to think about and ponder.

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