Our Island Family Life

Overall I have had a nice quiet week. I have been home the whole time and haven't left except to take out the trash. I really should have gotten gas for the island car. I am not even sure what days (if any) there will be someone there at the pump. I will have to ask around. I don't think the car has enough gas to get to the ferry and back tomorrow. It is swim day and sadly a visit weekend. Cade is going this time. He has been weighing things in his mind. Halloween weekend is a visit weekend and he is not planning on going. I think he feels if he doesn't rock the boat until then he will be able to tell his dad he isn't coming without feeling bad when his dad tries to make him feel guilty for not coming. Not that Sean tries hard to convince him to come anyway. Cade wants Sofie to be here too. We are having company that weekend so I am going to ask if she can stay anyway. There are moments I just want to tell him they are staying and that's it. I tell myself, what is he going to do? File contempt against me? Then all his dirty laundry will come out. I wonder if I am being petty? I just think that the kids really have so little time to be together as a family, as siblings for such a short time that they should be together for holidays and such for as long as possible. The bonds for a lifetime are made now. I think their relationships with each other is more important than with Sean or me. I know I want them all here not for my own feelings or needs. I asked myself that question many many times. Am I being selfish? Am I feeling spiteful? Am I wanting to hurt Sean? These are important questions that have to be asked and you have to look real hard at yourself and admit all the ugly you find there. I think the big thing is making sure my choices and decisions don't wind up hurting the kids in the long term. I know I will hurt them sometimes and make royal mistakes from time to time. I hope that at least in this I stop and think and not do anything because I feel hurt or bad. It isn't about me after all. I certainly had expectations of what my life was going to be like in an outline. How I thought my holidays and stuff were going to be like with my kids by my side. Still, it goes back to the first choice I made in having them in the first place that had to preclude my own wants down the line. They didn't choose to be here. That was pure selfishness on my part. So now I have to make the best of doing right by them to the best of my ability. So, in this emotionally hurtful experience here I have to look at my motives. Do I think I am trying to hurt Sean in all this? I know I would like to see him face the music for his bad actions, criminal actions, morally wrong actions, emotionally hurtful actions. I just don't know what that music should be and I do not want to be the one who plays it for him. Would I like to know if it happens? Sure. That is about as bitter as it goes for me. When it comes to the kids and their reluctance or downright refusal to be anywhere near him I feel nothing at all anymore. I felt so bad for him for a long time. I felt worse for him in a lot of ways more than I did the kids. That was how wrapped up in wanting his happiness I was. There is no satisfaction for me in thinking he is sitting at home crying or suffering over the loss of his kids. No stick it to him feelings. I honestly don't think he is doing those things anyway. I don't think that at this point in time in his life he sees the big picture or feels true loss. I think maybe someday he might. I feel more disconnected in having this empty feeling there of not caring when that might be or worrying about how he will handle it. I know this is good for me in a sense. I still don't like feeling like I have become colder or more cynical. I feel as if I have lost (am losing?) something real important about myself and that is feeling empathy for people. Maybe it's just for him? Again, more to ponder. How do I want to change from all this. I don't want to change as a person because of hurt and fear and loss. I don't think that is growing at all. So, I am trying not to dwell too much but I have been putting a lot of things off again. I have been really low on emotional energy lately and only wind up stressing myself even more.