Our Island Family Life

Well, in order to relieve some guilt and in doing my best to come out of my mood I finally answered my emails today. I had over 300 to sift through. As I think I had mentioned before just the prospect of looking at my emails was stressing me out. I was glad to see ones from friends and family and read them but I hadn't the energy to answer them. As for the ones that were about work or had I suspected contained bad news I didn't even open until today and I answered them all. So to anyone who reads this who sent me an email and thought I fell off the earth or was a rude jerk let me say that sadly gravity has kept me earthbound and yes I was rude but I really needed to be selfish for a few days just to keep myself ok. I am beginning to learn more and more about limits. I do what I can when I can and sometimes that means I might fall behind in one thing or another. I just keep moving things around on my priority lists based on due dates and what I can handle emotionally at the time. If I did everything I would be a really horrible mom because the stress would make me really cranky and I would not have the patience in reserve I NEED to have every day to handle their squabbles or tears and homework. That is number one on my list of things. Always has been, always will. So last week even though I didn't answer email for example I did call DHHS which was something I had to brace myself to do. I hate to make phone calls and I was prepared to be stonewalled. I know I was going to most likely feel helpless and disappointed. Maybe for some people it is no big deal but since I hate confrontations so much it brings tears to my eyes it is a BIG deal to me. I know I have to do things but I still have to make myself try and it takes a lot of emotional energy to do it. I know I am better at it then ever before but I do have times I feel like hiding away for a bit.

Now for how my past few days went. Friday was a long day. We had to take to 6am boat to get to our appointments on time. Sofie had her physical and Cade had therapy. Then I had to get groceries and get some things from Wal-mart like some medicine for my sneezing fits and cleaning products and some more back to school clothes shopping for the kids. So of course just to start the day right my battery died in the car. I had my new jumper but it wasn't charged enough yet. So we ran to the boat (half a mile) and just made it. Sofie is kind of a slow runner as you can expect. We got to the therapist and we waited and waited but he didn't come out so we had to leave. It was a mix up. It happens and I wasn't upset about it. Sofie was wonderful at her appointment. She didn't cry or whine and was talkative. The doctor asked about water safety and I told her she started swim lessons this month. Dentist? First visit for Sofie is also this month. I was just on the ball with everything and I felt good and a little less guilt about my bad week and a half because I WAS still doing things just not at the warp speed I had been doing. I just didn't want to really burn out. Sofie is 3 feet and 1/2 an inch now and 31 lbs. She is perfect. The doctor asked about the nasty bump on her forehead (she got with her dad) and Sofie told her, "I hit a door." The doctor looked at me and I looked at her. I mean, how many abused women have you heard about who have "run into the door" before? Cade said she had run into a chair so I told the doctor that. Then she asked me if I had talked to Sofie yet about good and bad touching. I hadn't. The thought hadn't crossed my mind yet. I was thinking maybe when she was 4 or 5 maybe. The doctor asked me if I was concerned Sean might do something like that and I had said no. Then she said, "Did you ever think he would have done anything he has done up to this point? Stealing, lying, cheating, breaking the law? Even if he doesn't do it himself do you think he might leave her with someone who would?" I really had to think about that. I felt bad again because she was right. I still don't think he would do anything like that but do I think he would leave her with someone irresponsible? He does that every time he leave her with that woman. Would Sean leave her with someone he barely knows that could hurt her in order to do so something Sean wants to do? I had to answer, yes, yes he would. If he really wanted to do something he would find a way even if it meant leaving her with some stranger. I guess I have to start having those talks with her. I just wanted to cry. Later that afternoon Sean called Cade's cell phone which I was using in town that day. I answered it and he asked where Connor was. I said I didn't know but most likely on the bus on the way to catch the boat home. Sean said he and Connor had plans to meet up and Sean had waited to pick him up from school and that Connor was going to spend the night. I told him that was news to me. Connor never said he had any plans with Sean and even if he did Sean should have emailed me himself as well. I needed to be informed since I had custody of the kids while Sean had visitation. Teenagers can be unreliable about passing along information and Sean and I needed to be on the same page to make sure we knew where our kids were. If Connor had met up with him and didn't come home I would have called the police and since it wasn't an official visitation weekend Connor would have been brought home to me. Sean was silent. Then I said that maybe if they had plans it slipped Connors mind because Sean's brother was spending the night with us and his parents were coming the next day. Sean very stiffly said, "I see." Then I told him I would let Connor know he had called. Sean asked if Connor had a cell phone and I said he did but it was out of minutes and in fact I had gotten him some more that day. Sean said ,"oh, yeah, I would be grateful if you passed the message." I told him I would and said goodbye. Neither of us seemed angry or raised our voices. I think Sean was confused again. I asked Connor about it later. He was on the bus for home and I saw him at the boat. He had no idea what his dad was talking about. He said they had agreed to meet before school started to do shopping but Sean didn't return Connor's calls so Connor just dropped it. Connor did call Sean back on Saturday. He was going to call again but I reminded him what I had told him before. Just call once. Leave a nice, polite, informative message then just wait. Live your life and not hang around at home waiting for someone else.

On another note, Sean's brother came Friday night and spent the night and went out with Will on the boat for the day. He couldn't work because Will's boss doesn't have a licence for two helpers but he could actually see what Will does and spend some time with him and they had a good day. After words he asked Will if his dad had paid him back the money to took from him and Will told him no and then said, "Now you know how hard I worked to earn it." He also told his uncle how when his dad had gone out twice to fill in for Will (the summer he left) when Will was sick how Sean couldn't handle it and was sea sick, got a sunburn and got a migraine. His uncle laughed and conceded that his brother was a wimp for sure. They got done around 2pm and then Will grilled for everyone. Meanwhile I had prepared all morning by getting extra chairs out, made my own birthday cake from scratch, made homemade mac and cheese, homemade chili, and deviled eggs. I also made hamburger patties out of our hunk of meat, took things out to thaw and marinated some chicken. I also cleaned up the house for some last minutes sprucing. I had forgotten to pick up a new car battery Friday and I could have kicked myself. Thank goodness for the new charger I bought. Every time I have to start the car now I have to jump it. Totally sucks. So at noon I jumped the car and put the charger in the car so I could jump it again when I needed to drive home again and went to pick up Sean's parents and the kids two cousins. Sean's sister had to work at the last minute so she wasn't able to make it. Cade rode down on his bike and Sofie stayed home with Connor since I wouldn't have room in the car otherwise. As I waiting on the dock the boat was pulling in and Cade ran up to me frantically and said, "Dad's on this boat!" I was shocked and I felt my stomach drop. I said, "What? Why?" I had a million thoughts in my head. Did Sean's parents know about this? Was this planned? Did he think he could come into my home after the last time he was here and shoved me into the wall? Is he here because I told him his family was coming? Cade said, " Not just dad, the witch , the beast and the it are coming too." (Beast = Ragan, the it = the baby) Me again, trying to stay calm, "What?! Why?" Cade said he saw one of his littler friends (who is 6) and he had told Cade that his parents were having a barb-q and that they invited (more specifically the father invited) him to come because the father plays in a soccer league against Sean. Plus both him and his wife are teachers and I guess now that Sean is a "teacher" he has joined the teacher cult and there you go. I saw them looking out the ferry window and I was so violently angry and I had to turn around. I saw the father (I can not pronounce much less spell his name and he was smiling and waiting for his guests (there were a lot of them not just Sean and his posse) and his wife was walking down the dock. She saw me and I just stared at her. I had tears, I knew it but I didn't let them fall and I sure did give her a glare. She knew it. She was embarrassed and looked down. She couldn't face me. They don['t live here year round. Her parents do. She and her husband bought a place about 4 years ago and when they did Sean was pissed. He was calling them every name in the book because we were already living here year round and we didn't know the house was for sale. It was all done hush hush and they bought it before anyone knew it was even for sale. House sales like that (and we could have afforded the house at the time) was why the people who were living in the house we were renting before us left the island in the first place to move to another island nearby. They could buy some land and build. Anyway, Cade said quickly he had known his dad had mentioned a couple of weeks ago he had been invited to the barb-q but it was supposed to be at the couples house in town and that his dad hadn't planned on going. Seeing him in town is bad enough but I have become ok with it and don't freak anymore. I always make sure I am around other people and I know he can't get violent with me that way. I could see the "woman" staring at me. She hasn't been here since she was in MY home when I cooked for her, cleaned for her and made her comfortable when all the while she was with my husband. I don't know how they have the GALL to be here. You have to remember people out here view the WHOLE island as home. Not just their homes. When you get off the boat from being in town, the second to touch the dock you have that same feeling of homecoming you do when you go in your own front door. Here she was with her bastard child and daughter showing off in my home....again. She put her hand on her hip and looked at me and just shook her head. I hadn't moved so God only knows why she did that to me. I hadn't said boo. Sean's parents got off first then a bunch of other people then "them". His family wasn't with "them". It was obvious. Cade ran down to the float so he wouldn't have to speak to his dad. His dad called to him and waved. Cade waved back. Kathryn and her daughter waved but he just turned his back on them and ran to his teacher ( he was on the float down a steep ramp.) I knew Cade would have jumped in the ocean just to get away from them. What really grated on my nerves was Sean pushing the baby stroller. He just changed families. That is what he did. He is all, "See what a wonderful dad I am." While I am holding the days mail in my hand with the letter I just got from DHHS telling me they were suspending Sean's license. Double life. Here he is schmoosing buying ferry tickets and food for the b-q while he has contempt of court pending, no license in a few days, thousands of dollars in back child support due, no contact with his older children and a daughter who comes home bruised when she sees him, family who have to come here to see their grandchildren because he doesn't bring them, where was he yesterday while I was taking the kids to therapy that wouldn't have been necessary if he hadn't had a mental illness or left us, where was he when I learned Sofie is now 3 feet tall, 31 lbs and needed a new prescription for a contact dermatitis? Do his new "friends" know this is the kind of man he is? Do they just think it's just a divorce thing? Do they know he cut all his old friend out of his life and is hooking up with old lovers and people he had tried to beat up? Do they know he bad mouthed them left and right when he lived here and they were neighbors? I don't think he or his new girl toy want the kids at all. It is about power and hurting me. They want their own life and the kids are just not a part of it. Not Sean's kids with me anyway. He truly is a pod person. Again, anyway, Sean's parents came up to me and there were hugs all around and I got them in the car. I didn't want to even come close to having any contact with Sean is his stepford family. (BTW they had no idea he was going to be on the boat either and weren't impressed) The car again didn't start but with my handy dandy jumper we were good to go. They were impressed with me. I was cool about it and efficient and had us on or way on seconds. The visit was nice. It was relaxed. I tried to focus on the visit and not think about what I would do if Sean showed up out of the blue. We got caught up on a few things then Will and his uncle came home. I told Will his dad was on island and Will just glared and then said he just wouldn't leave the house and that his dad had better think twice about showing his face here. (Not that Will had to worry. Sean never came by or even called to ask to see the kids. He was half a mile away and never even made the attempt the whole time he was here. Connor had even called him but Sean didn't even answer his phone.) Then it was food. I again impressed them with my cooking, Will did too. I overheard Sean's brother tell his parents how hard Will works and that Will had even cooked him bacon and eggs for breakfast that morning. Sean's brother was pretty bugged about his brother taking money from Will but now seeing what he does to earn it he is even more pissed. Then it was time for cake and presents. I already got some in the mail earlier in the week from my mom and a few cards from people on the island I had displayed. Seans parents gave me a magnet they got on a trip to Tennesse they just came from and a little pink glass dish. I am so afraid it will get broken. It's pretty though. Will got me a mug with a pig on it with a pig tail handle and a little pig spoon that actually hangs on the mug itself. It is so cool. I love pigs. I looked at it and then remembered we had been in town a while ago one late Friday and we had gone to eat at a hibachi and on the way I saw that mug in a store window on display and ooohhed and awwed at it and said how I would like to have it but I didn't have the money. He....acually....remembered...that. That was WEEKS ago. I told him later how cool it was he remembered and whenever he gets a girlfriend someday that would be huge brownie points if he does something like that for her. He just smirked. They were only around for a few hours and left on the 4pm boat. So I was tense without the distraction of company to wonder again if Sean was going to show up or not. After 7pm I knew he would be gone and finally relaxed. Still, the damage was done and even though I was exhausted I couldn't sleep last night. At midnight I broke down and took two of the anxiety pills I STILL have. I should have thrown them away. I think they have expired but it was too late to take a sleeping pill (also expired). I was out in half in hour. At 3:30 I was awake again with an upset stomach and finally fell asleep again around 4:30. Sofie, bless her, slept until 7:40am. I am really tired today. It is my birthday today and I am just feeling my eyes droop. Since we have leftovers I don't need to cook and I have some left over cake (lemon with lemon frosting) Sean's parents said we should have a B&B with all the good food....:) Sean's brother said I overstuffed him and he was going to pay for it later...ha ha. They said they would like to come back and spend the night sometime. We'll see. It's ok with me but it's so hard to plan.

Well, this was long enough. A lot happened. I am glad I got it off my chest. I feel like a bad person and handled things horribly but I guess I feel what I feel, right? *sigh*

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910), (attributed)