Our Island Family Life: fighting

Sunday, December 13, 2009

A Little Better

0 comments Posted by perphila at 12:02 PM

Last night was our island christmas party. I was only stressed a few times during the day. Cade lost his dress socks. I had bought two brand new pair of dress socks and he only had one sock. Not even a single pair. I did manage to find another one but the other pair is probably in Narnia or something. It is really windy and cold and my car is a lost cause so we were getting a ride. Connor chose to shower as we were getting ready to go. I left him behind. He had to walk. I had to be there half an hour before the dinner started to help out. Over all things were great. We had company. We all got to sit together. There was little stress getting the meal out. We had done salads earlier in the day and had fun with all the other island ladies. Joking was nice.

The major stress of the day was dealing with Sofie and Cade when they came home from seeing their dad. They went to see him Friday and came back on the noon boat. Sean has said he can't get time off before 3pm for a while now so he can't get the kids on Friday any earlier. Which is why he isn't coming to Cade's therapy. For some reason he asked to get them at 2pm. I was fine with that. I could get the 2:45 ferry home for a change. I had done a bunch of shopping for the party and it was a big help to get home early. On Saturday I got them and we went straight to the hall for a play practice. Cade was really grumpy. Sofie was tired. They did ok but people could tell Cade was on a tight leash with his patience. When we got home I tried a dress on Sofie and she was crying and cranky. I put her down for a nap and it made a world of difference. She slept almost three hours and would have slept longer but I had to get her up for the party. Cade on the other hand seemed to decompress by telling me and my friend about his horrible morning. On Friday things started out well. Their dad asked him where he wanted to go and he said the mall. So Sean took them there and got Sofie's picture taken with Santa. Then they ate at the food court and Cade saw a friend from another island and he went to talk with him for a bit. After that they checked out the arcade. Cade said it was a rip off. The prizes were smaller for even more tickets than before. Still, this was all good and I was happy to hear Sean was spending one on one time with just his own kids for a change. Then things went downhill. They got back to the house and Sean then left them with his sisters and went out with "the wife" for a date. It was supposed to be a birthday thing for her. Even though her birthday is today, Sunday and he doesn't have the kids today. It would make more sense for them to do something on her actual birthday when he wouldn't have to sacrifice time with the kids. I guess for HER he can take time off work. Cade didn't mind much though because even though his dad was gone at least she was too. He got to see his aunts and he liked that. One of them brought him some candy. That was a mistake I guess. Since he doesn't see her often I personally wouldn't have had a problem with it. The next morning they had to be on the 10am boat for home. While Sean was getting Sofie cleaned up (which is also a good thing and rare for him to do) Cade was getting his stuff in one place to bring home and that included his candy. "The mean witch" walks into his room (without knocking) and said, "Are you eating candy?" He said no. Then I guess she lost it and thought he was lying to her an began yelling at him. She was telling him that he hadn't even had breakfast yet and here he was eating candy. He may not have rules on the island but he does there. I was a bad example obviously if he was eating candy in the morning. That made him mad and he said I wasn't a bad example and I gave him a lot of rules. He told her she must be able to hear him because he had already told her he wasn't eating any candy. She left and complained to Sean so then he came in and told Cade he had to apologize to her because Cade had been rude and lied to her. Cade was of course angry again and told his dad how she had been bad mouthing me. Sean conceded that she may have over reacted. Really? Cade was just mad that yet again his dad was taking this woman's side over his. Didn't even ask him what he was doing, and was asking to him say sorry to the person who had just jumped to conclusions, yelled at him and put down his mother. Yeah. Not the best idea. I guess she doesn't see she is digging her own grave with the kids when she does stuff like that. Sean is then digging his own right beside her when he takes her side over his own kids. I wondered why he even bothered to take them at all. He could have just had them for a nice afternoon then I could have taken them home myself on Friday. If he wasn't even going to see them the rest of Friday night anyway then be fighting all morning long..what's the point? The kids need their father argument is pretty lame for this one. Anyway, Cade seemed to feel a lot better after he vented. I think because our friend was here it kept him from crying. He was very mad though. His language is getting too rough for my tastes and even though he isn't swearing I know he is thinking it and doesn't because he knows I don't want him to. He did say he flipped her off after she left his room. I wasn't too happy about that either. This "expression" of his anger and frustration will be a topic for therapy I think. I am beginning to need to take notes.

The party was a nice tension breaker. The kids play was cute. They did their own version of Jan Brett's, The Mitten. Sofie was a mouse and Cade was a moose and the little boy. Sofie just didn't want to get under the blanket they were using for the mitten so they rewrote it so that she came out and tickled Cade's nose instead. He sneezes then all the "animals" are blown out of the mitten.

There was carols, the kids did a march with bells and then Santa came. The kids all handed out presents. Connor got two card games. Will got a gift certificate to a japanese restaurant. I got a gift card to the grocery store. Cade got a nerf gun, a knitted hat and a sled. Sofie got a book, a knitted hat, a kitty face mask hat and gloves, hair ties and a animal change purse, shower gel and a little bag. She was squealing with happiness. Usually I am very uptight and worrying constantly where she is and what she's doing. I gave her a little freedom yesterday and she just went by Santa on the stage and played with the other little kids. It was nice.

We got to take home an almost whole lasagna, a big salad and a bag of romaine hearts. I love being able to take left overs.

After we got home we cleaned up the house a bit, changed and played some card games. Sofie and Cade watched a movie.

Today we are getting over being up late and resting up for the week. I'm tired for sure.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Pet Names

2 comments Posted by perphila at 11:25 AM

As stab and a smile. That's how I felt last Friday when Cade and I were walking to the baylines to wait for Sean to pick him up for the weekend. Cade was saying how confusing it was around his dad and Kathryn because he had a hard time telling if they loved each other or wanted to kill each other. He said how he had told them he didn't like their "public displays of affection" and would feel more comfortable if they did that in private. He said they kiss each other five times before one of them leaves the house. I am sure it means something. His dad laughed at him and said he loved her more than anything and he that it was ok for them to do that. It is natural and he wasn't going to stop. Nice. Then of course when they were first together and have a "disagreement" they would go to another room and whisper fight. Then they would whisper fight where ever they were and Cade said he wished he had popcorn because it was funny to watch. Now they scream and yell and Cade hates yelling, Will is like that too. Mostly I think because Sean would do that and loom over them and be intimidating and scary to get what he wanted from the kids and if that didn't work he would destroy their stuff by smashing whatever it was against walls or the floor. So although Cade loves that they are fighting he hates having to listen to it. Cade hates the fact also that his dad has all these pet names for her that drive Cade crazy. Of course Sean uses sweetie and honey which Cade said means nothing and told Kathryn his dad called me those names too. She wasn't happy. Sean also calls her "beautiful". That gave me a stab. Sean would tell me I was beautiful but never used it as a pet name. When he left he wasn't very nice and made me feel pretty ugly. So Cade was talking about it and said he felt bad to hear his dad tell her that and didn't remember his dad ever saying that about me. I was holding Cade's hand at the time and gave him a squeeze and told him, "Dad used to call me his angel. Remember?" Cade thought about it for a bit and smiled and said he did. I said, "Dad used to tell me I was his angel, that I saved him and how lucky he was to have me in his life. I like to remember dad that way and it makes me happy." Cade was smiling and said he liked to remember dad the way he used to be too. It didn't make him as sad anymore. He said his dad now looks like he is trying very hard to be happy and keeps telling everyone how happy he is but Cade can see the difference. It's like when people act nice to you when you can tell they don't really like you and how your real friends are and that they are really happy to be with you and play with you. Kids are way smarter than we are. Much more observant. I wonder if I said something I shouldn't have by saying what I did but I was honest and I really was feeling happy when I said it. I think he could tell. Speaking of observant kids I love watching the show Supernatural. I record it and the season premiere was last week. Cade likes it too. I don't like that they use language I would rather Cade not hear but he knows better than to use it. So we were watching it last night because Cade hadn't seen it yet and in the plot the two brothers in the show were trying to stop the devil from destroying the world. The brothers though had a big talk at the end of the episode that was very sad. The younger brother had been the one who had released the devil unwittingly but if he had listened to his older brother that wouldn't have happened. There was broken trust between them. Cade said it was very sad and reminded him of dad. He said he could see how much they loved each other, they are family but the younger brother had chosen someone else over his brother who trusted him more than anyone else and because of that everyone might suffer. Cade said he understood why the older brother said he couldn't trust his younger brother anymore. I didn't tell Cade that I had thought the same thing the first time I saw it and it reminded me of Sean too. I cried like a baby when I saw it the first time. There was also a scene where the devil was trying to convince a guy to help him and the guy asked the devil why would he do that and how could he know the devil was telling him the truth. The devil said he never lied. He didn't have to. Cade snorted and said, " People can tell the truth and still be lying." I said, "Oh, how so?" Cade said, " When they don't tell you everything. They only tell you part of the story. If you knew the whole truth then you might think different." I told him that was a good point and he was very smart to notice that. He should talk to his counselor about that. Cade said he might. He said it was something his dad does all the time so taking to jay about it might be ok. Wham. So. That's where he got that from. Kids are thinking all the time aren't they? Who said tv kills all thought provoking conversation?

There are people I know who won't hurt me. I call them corpses.
Randy K. Milholland, Something Positive Comic, 12-06-05

Monday, September 14, 2009

Transitions

1 comments Posted by perphila at 11:09 AM

At the end of the season I get a lot of left overs from people. I rather like it. It saves on the food stamps and I can buy other pantry items I need. Yesterday I set out a munch table in order to rid the fridge of stuff. I have so many carrots I am going to turn orange. The kids (Cade and Sofie) came home on the 7pm boat yesterday and I figured instead of dinner we would do something fun and have the munch spread. We had two kinds of humus, guacamole, salsa, carrots, celery with sides of peanut butter and ranch, two types of crackers, fruit (needed to eat or it was going to go bad) and a cake. I had left over frosting from my birthday cake and I didn't want to waste it so I made another cake...:) Why were Cade and Sofie late? I am an idiot that's why. Sean called and asked if he could bring them on the later boat. Normally I don't mind in the summer but during the school year it's 4pm and that's it. I was in a good mood I guess, or a stupid one and I said it was ok as long as Cade was fine with it. Sean said oh yes he was and thanks a lot. So, the kids came home and Cade was grumpy. He said it was the worst weekend ever. He wished he had come home on the afternoon boat. I was confused (see? stupid.) and said I thought he was ok with coming home later. I told him dad had called and asked me and since I thought maybe Cade had wanted to stay a little later I said yes. Cade said that his dad never even asked him if he wanted to stay later and never asked him if it was ok with him. Cade then said his dad and the "witch" were screaming and fighting all weekend and he was sick of it. cade said she had left to go tutor someone that afternoon and that his dad didn't want to bring Cade, Sofie and the other two girls with him on the boat. He said his dad was grumpy all weekend and was being mean and complaining about how hard his life was that he had to work all day then go to school and he should get a break from having to take care of the baby and kids. Apparently his wife wasn't sympathetic and took her anger out on Cade and was yelling at everyone. She blamed Cade for her daughter and Sofie waking her up in the morning. I guess she thought Cade should have kept them quiet. She kept sending Cade to his room which thrilled him to no end because then he didn't have to spend any time with her or "the beast". Then he said the girl has begun walking in on him while he was dressing again. He was so angry that this time he didn't bother telling his dad and he isn't speaking to the woman so he kicked the girl out of his room and she cried and told her mom. Of course Kathryn was angry and told Cade how awful he was and he asked her if she wanted him walking in on her daughter when she was naked. Of course not! Well, then why is it ok for her daughter to do that to him? She just stormed away without answering and never said boo to her daughter about it. So we'll see what happens. It is looking closer and closer like I might have to call DHHS. *sigh* So, no more being nice and accommodating from me. Set pick up and drop off times and that's it. He can just suck it up. Cade is not wanting to go at all next weekend. I hope given some time to cool off this week if he still doesn't want to go he will be able to talk to his dad rationally. So, the transitions seem to be as hard on the kids as ever. Sofie was fine Sunday night but this morning she was tired and really cranky. She thought if she screamed loud enough she could just get her way with anything. I let her scream and then asked her if she thought screaming would get her milk that we didn't have, or make Aiden move from his spot by the table or whatever. I ignored her and didn't pick her up from the floor she had thrown herself down to. I just stepped over her and did my thing. After three times she learned she wasn't getting what she wanted and has been fine ever since. I guess she does what works for her there and thinks it will work here. ha ha...nope. She has been eating like a pig too. She is a pretty bird like eater so it's good she is eating well but I wonder how hungry she was over there. Well, as long as she fine I guess. Sean of course hasn't emailed me about the weekend but I have given up the ghost on that one. I was supposed to take Sofie on a school field trip today sailing and was really looking forward to it. Sofie however is still not in a stellar mood and I was asked to babysit and I need to money too badly to turn it down. As much as I would have liked to go I feel bad Sofie is missing out.

I mailed out the dental and eye bills to Sean today. I am just not going to think too much about that today. I guess I should fold the laundry instead.