Who still has leftovers? We do. Since we went away Friday and Saturday we are a little behind. I am thrilled to be eating them however. I haven't cooked which is good because I have the sniffles. I am hoping it doesn't become a full blown cold. Cade is sick. Just a cold nothing flu like thank goodness. I am tired though. Sofie took a late nap yesterday and was zonked for 4 hours. Then of course she didn't want to go to bed on time and I could understand that. I let her stay up and she quietly watched a movie and we read together while Cade wheezed on the extra bed on my room. I knew I had to get her back into her routine and I had no one to blame but myself. She fell asleep around 11pm. She woke up from her nap at 8pm so I knew she wasn't going to bed any time soon. That late bed time would have been ok but she woke up an hour later screaming that her tongue hurt. She was dreaming. Of course I checked and she was fine. I thought she might have bit herself. She was so upset she threw up. I knew it was coming though and got her to the bathroom. It took an hour to get her back to sleep. I was now wired and on my 3rd wind and didn't fall asleep because I was congested myself. Finally around 2:30 I passed out but I had to work today so I was up early. The older boys are up at 5am and I was kind of in and out of it for a bit then got up just before 6am. It's rainy and cold out. I kept busy cleaning and playing with the little ones because I knew if I sat down I was toast. My charge has left for the day and both Cade and Sofie are napping. She is back on schedule and I am very pleased. I will have to make some turkey soup for Cade. His throat is sore and we are out of chicken noodle soup. He doesn't like tomato. I can't imagine that. I love tomato soup. The older boys used to have it all the time when they were little. I make them a special tomato soup thing they ask for all the time now that they have heartier tastes. I get a family sized can of tomato soup and add ground beef (if I have it, it's still good even if I don't add it), french style green beans (kids will eat them but balk at eating regular beans) and cooked elbow macaroni. I add the elbows to each individual bowl because they absorb the soup really quick and then it gets nasty. If I have left overs I keep the pasta separate. Then they add things to the top like shredded cheese, goldfish or sour cream. They love it. Cade though won't eat the actual soup. He is weird. Raw veggies only for him.
I think I am in a new stage of grief for the whole loss of husband thing. My heart is catching up with my mind and that's a good thing. I still cry sometimes. I think there is a big shift in what I am crying for now. It is for me. I tend to stuff emotions away while I am in crisis mode and drag all that crud out later when I can think and deal with things a little better. I figure dealing with grief takes as long as it takes. Some people do it more quickly than others but I wonder if they are just postponing things instead? As for me I am crying or thinking less about losing him and more about losing and accepting the loss of things I thought I had. Like my plans for the future. How I saw myself years down the road. Having to reevaluate and change how I was going to retire and when I was going to go back to school. Coming to grips with the real fact I am not going to have any more kids. I know sounds crazy when I already have 4 but it's less the fact I wanted to have more but that the choice was taken away from me. The loss of option. Now I have mentioned that to others and I have been told I am young and could have more. What if I remarry yada yada. What people who say this to me is a failure to understand who I am now and morally. The idea of having kids with another person makes me queasy. Subjecting my living kids to my selfish whims I can not do. Maybe if it was taking the last cookie, yeah, color me selfish....having another life to care for and they would have to deal with, no. Plus, I don't want to have another kid when I am 40. I am exhausted now at 36. I don't want my kids and maybe grandkids going to school together you know? I had been looking forward to so many things and had so many dreams and goals I had been working toward and now they are gone. I have to deal with my resentment of Sean. Not an easy task. Realize this is my problem, not his. I need to grieve the loss of those things before I can have new dreams and goals. Right now I am stuck. I feel like I am waiting for something. I don't have plans anymore. I don't think about where I will be in five years. When I think about it I get scared and wonder if I will be homeless. I work every day in taking things as they come and I swallow a lot of fear and uncertainty. I know it sounds like I may be in a bad place but I don't feel that way. I feel I am in the middle of something. Something crappy but that there is another side. I see this as progress really. I am not just shoving stuff aside. I want to deal with stuff so I can really move on and not move on and then try and deal with things and drag a whole new batch of people with me. I am working on me. That is when I am not dealing with all those pesky life issues. "Slow but sure wins the race," says turtle.
Who still has leftovers? We do. Since we went away Friday and Saturday we are a little behind. I am thrilled to be eating them however. I haven't cooked which is good because I have the sniffles. I am hoping it doesn't become a full blown cold. Cade is sick. Just a cold nothing flu like thank goodness. I am tired though. Sofie took a late nap yesterday and was zonked for 4 hours. Then of course she didn't want to go to bed on time and I could understand that. I let her stay up and she quietly watched a movie and we read together while Cade wheezed on the extra bed on my room. I knew I had to get her back into her routine and I had no one to blame but myself. She fell asleep around 11pm. She woke up from her nap at 8pm so I knew she wasn't going to bed any time soon. That late bed time would have been ok but she woke up an hour later screaming that her tongue hurt. She was dreaming. Of course I checked and she was fine. I thought she might have bit herself. She was so upset she threw up. I knew it was coming though and got her to the bathroom. It took an hour to get her back to sleep. I was now wired and on my 3rd wind and didn't fall asleep because I was congested myself. Finally around 2:30 I passed out but I had to work today so I was up early. The older boys are up at 5am and I was kind of in and out of it for a bit then got up just before 6am. It's rainy and cold out. I kept busy cleaning and playing with the little ones because I knew if I sat down I was toast. My charge has left for the day and both Cade and Sofie are napping. She is back on schedule and I am very pleased. I will have to make some turkey soup for Cade. His throat is sore and we are out of chicken noodle soup. He doesn't like tomato. I can't imagine that. I love tomato soup. The older boys used to have it all the time when they were little. I make them a special tomato soup thing they ask for all the time now that they have heartier tastes. I get a family sized can of tomato soup and add ground beef (if I have it, it's still good even if I don't add it), french style green beans (kids will eat them but balk at eating regular beans) and cooked elbow macaroni. I add the elbows to each individual bowl because they absorb the soup really quick and then it gets nasty. If I have left overs I keep the pasta separate. Then they add things to the top like shredded cheese, goldfish or sour cream. They love it. Cade though won't eat the actual soup. He is weird. Raw veggies only for him. 
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