Our Island Family Life

I think one of the hardest things about trying to co-parent with someone with bipolar is trying to navigate what is illness and what just is a crappy personality. In one single day I may have to deal with robotic yet rational conversation, flip to anger then paranoia and finally back to rational again. That was my day yesterday. Routine is very important, tweak it and you had better be ready for possible melt down. It doesn't help when that person now has two extra children (even if they his own) to deal with which is not the norm and attempting to handle a job when they haven't been able to hold one down in six years. Let's not forget the new wife who doesn't believe he has an illness but who's answer to the odd behavior patterns is to control those around with an iron fist. I do think that controlling behavior helps him to a point but there is a vast difference between helping a loved one keep on track and dictating everything you do from what you eat, how you dress, what kind of job you should have and how to parent.

This is Thanksgiving vacation week and it is a scheduled time for the kids to be with their dad. More than a weekend which is one non-routine issue for him to cope with. Usually only Sofie goes, this time Cade chose to go (more on that later), a second non-routine issue. Third bump in the road...teenage angst. Cade is being evasive and pulling crap by tell his dad one thing and me another. Normal behavior I suppose for a kids with divorced parents. It's bad enough when the parents are emotionally stable. Worse if they do not get along. Really bad if one or both of them is dealing with an unmedicated mental illness. Not me by the way...:) Now, Cade knows his dad has this problem but he still really wishes he didn't and by not visiting him for about a year it seems out of sight equals out of mind. Will and Connor have been doing their best to talk to Cade about this and he used to understand his father's issues but I think he wants a "normal" dad so much that he has convinced himself his dad is just fine. After all his dad tells him he is "just fine" and that I am lying to him about the illness. This all just me trying to turn Cade against him. That for me is really a non issue. I used to feel I had to justify myself when Sean said these things but really, I don't. My issue used to be me believing in Sean myself. He can be stable a lot of the time. I have realized it is from having someone there helping to enable him and the things he has learned over time to help himself, like having regular routines and bedtimes etc., that no one told him to do he just learned to do through trial and error. Having someone there to tell you, go to bed now, eat this, drink that, do this, do that and him just blithely doing so is a good thing for him. However, it doesn't stop everything. It can't, not without meds and therapy. It's just those golden moments of stability make me, made me, question myself. Sometimes I needed other people around me who saw his behavior to say, remember this, that? That was not stable behavior. I think Cade is in that quagmire I was in, coupled with the fact this is his parent and being a newly minted teenager. Not much fun. Doesn't mean I don't want to punt kick Cade to the curb for his behavior or rip my own hair out in frustration.

Been doing the email-go-round with Sean. Long story short, Cade lied to his dad and me about the duration of his visit. When I asked about it, all of a sudden I was being "disruptive". When I was asked to send Cade his school work I said no. I was not going to enable Cade's irresponsible behavior. He left it behind after I asked him if he needed it and he said he didn't because he was coming home. He either changed his mind, which is fine with me, or he never intended to come back for the week. What wasn't ok with me was him telling me he was if he had no plans to so as this was just pointless. Also, when I asked Sean about it, it then became an issue. Sean was as clueless as me and you don't ever want to confuse someone who is holding on to stability by a thread. Thanks Cade. This could have been just a little bump in the road but then there was a snafu with Sofie's school. Nothing major just a scheduling problem where she was supposed to be here for school when we had previously scheduled otherwise. I wasn't the only parent who didn't send their kid to school on Monday so it wasn't just me being overwhelmed. I told the teacher where Sofie was and that I would see what we could do to get her here for Tuesday but with the boats and work issues it may not happen. He was cool with that. Really, not  big deal. It shouldn't have amounted to a hill of beans. I emailed Sean and he didn't reply. I called and called and called. No answer. Ok, annoying but not unusual for Sean not to answer when I call sadly.

So, moving on I was supposed to skype a conference for Cade yesterday and that didn't happen either. All of a sudden Sean wanted a conference and he took over. I had to email Cade's teacher to reschedule. Annoying but what can you do? No, the teacher and Sean shouldn't have done that. I explained the circumstances and I am now waiting to hear from the teacher. You have to pick your battles.

Cade then spent $13 of my money without permission with his phone. This is all in one day mind you. I managed to get a hold of Cade and he blamed Sofie. Uh huh. So, I tried to call Sean to have him take Cade's phone away for the week as a consequence. No response.

I finally get an email from Sean saying Sofie was staying with him and he thought it was "strange" the teachers would "reverse their decision" (what is this, Judge Judy?) and he had emailed her teacher about it but had "no response". Then it hit me, oh. my. God., Sean thinks I am lying abut Sofie needing to go to school. Welcome home paranoid behavior, I didn't miss you. This idea was confirmed when the teacher forwarded me the email and his response. The teachers are aware of the issues going on with the family. The teacher thought the email was odd, strangely worded and slightly confusing as to what he was exactly asking for (and the only communication Sean has had with him since 2007) but was great and confirmed that there was school and that it had been previously scheduled as days off and told Sean of Sofie's progress in school. Sean definitely thought I was lying to be "disruptive to his life" and to "cause uncertainty and create a situation that was not positive for the kids". It always amazes me how he can be paranoid and eloquent and the same time. Granted, it was bad, horrible, no good, very bad day for everyone all around but that didn't mean I was off twiddling my fake mustache cackling maniacally over some evil plan to cause chaos for Sean.

To top it off at 9pm he emails me again thanking me for my emails and there he was, back in stable town.

I really, really wished he lived there full time and didn't treat it as a nice place to visit.