Saturday, June 23, 2012
...is flat out nuts. I don't know if he was just crashing from all his efforts recently or what but he just kind of stopped. Everything and slept, or played video games to make him self, as he put it, "stop thinking". He created and downward spiral where he was angry with himself for not doing anything but not being able to do anything and the circle continued. He even took a book and started smacking his head with it over and over. I had tried calling his doctor for a week with no response. Connor missed his last week of school. Finally I got a call back and the doctor is consulting with his pdoc on which meds will be best. This is it. What I have been trying to avoid but he is not going to succeed or stay on track and stable without it. He feels so desperate he is almost out of his head waiting for some medication. I tried very very hard to stay calm and listen to his raving about. Surprising that didn't bother me too much. What got to me though was when he began to try and tell me how I should be parenting Cade and Sofie. He thought I should, "calm down" when I reminded Cade he was still banned from all electronics due to something he did last week. Cade was fighting with Connor about the xbox when he shouldn't have been since he wasn't allowed to use it anyway. I didn't yell but I did point and was firm. Cade wasn't upset with me at all but was still bugged about being banned. Connor felt I had ruined the whole atmosphere of the day by being angry. He was trying to have a nice morning and I was bringing everyone down over something stupid. I was stupid and Cade was stupid. I could just see his attitude of being superior to all of us lowly beings. He is so evolved. Not the simple teenager who knows everything stuff either. I just had enough and said my peace to him. I didn't yell but I did spill my guts. Then I left. I had to work after all. Work to pay for the clothes I bought him. I took Sofie with me rather than have her brothers babysit. Will was working too but even if he was I just didn't want her near Connor right then. I cried and felt a whole lot better. Now we just have to wait for his appointment. Just knowing he has one and that he is getting some medication has calmed him enough where he has been able to go back to work. I can only hope things will get better.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Sofie is going to be a flower girl for her aunt's wedding. I still need to get her some tights but she has her dress and is terribly excited.
Probably the last trip I will have in a long time. I wouldn't call it a vacation since traveling for a week with a large group of children is the farthest thing from relaxing as you can get. I really wanted a leash for Sofie. Although she listens well and stayed by my side for the most part, it was just so crowded. I was a nervous wreak. Apparently, every school group for 100 miles thought it was a good idea to visit almost all the same places as our school group did. I don't think in all the years I have been visiting the Museum of Science or the Aquarium have I seen so many people. We also went to Plimouth Plantation, Mayflower 2, Quincy Market, walked the Freedom Trail and about half a dozen other things. This wasn't just our school either. It was our TLC Outer Islands group of other one room school house island schools. It was a lot of fun though and Sofie had a great time. Cade was beyond jealous to not be able to go. I had to agree it would have been nice for him to go. The other island schools go to 8th grade and Cade has friends from these schools he would have loved to have seen. This fall the schools will be coming out to our island for our yearly get together so he will have to wait until then. There were some really funny moments. We went to play lazer tag and I wasn't sure Sofie would be big enough to play. We went for it anyway and she got put on the team opposite from me and I was again nervous but I just took a deep breath and let go. There was three rounds to the game. One of her teachers was on Sofie's team and she said that the first round Sofie hung back and "guarded" the tower and basicly got used to the dark and glowing lights and her how to fire her lazer gun. Second round though Sofie became a commando. She took off after another of her teachers who was on my team when he tried to get her tower. He ran and she ran him down firing the whole time and actually hitting the target on his back. Who knew she had the skill? In the third round she teamed with two older kids and they attacked the tower I was guarding and she lured me out all cute like then attacked me. I ran and we circled an obstacle but she stopped and I would up running around and right into her and she fired and got me. Strategy. Planned strategy. I was shocked. She showed me no mercy and giggled the whole time. Another funny thing was how she interacted with all the older kids. It's something I have never really seen anywhere than with island schools. The smaller kids are never shy or intimidated with the older kids and ask for help freely. The older kids never turn the little ones away either. They could always just sniff at the youngers and ignore them but they never do and include them in everything. On our last night we had a pool party and Sofie kept diving in the pool which was a first for her and she was very proud. I had told her how brave she was and she was thrilled. All the kids did a dive at the same time at the very end and as they all got out she went over to one of the 8th grade boys and patted his hand and told him how brave he was to dive in. He just laughed and smiled at her and thanked her for noticing. It was very sweet. Here are some pics of the trip...:)
Thursday, May 31, 2012
As for me, the job front is getting a little scary. Good and bad of course. Our postmaster is retiring so I will be taking over the office for better or for worse. Short term will be hard with no back up to help out and a six days a week schedule. Then of course we are on the list for reduced hours so we will have to see how that goes. The pay isn't all that great and there will be no perks at all but any money is better than no money. It will be hard because of the kids. Sofie especially.
Stress levels are high. I want to have one day to hide from everything. I haven't had a car for several months now. First I didn't have the money to get it fixed and now I can't get it in to be fixed due to complications. My head hurts just thinking about it.
Connor auditioned to get into a school for music courses and got in. He is thrilled. His school work load will increase next year but he is finally working towards a future goal so I will keep my fingers crossed.
Cade is still dealing with the whole bully issue. We are working on ways to keep the kid away from him. The kid had alcohol in his backpack last week. Maybe he will get suspended and Cade will have a break.
Sofie goes on her first visit with her dad in a month tomorrow. Let the emotional fall out begin.
Here is the link for Will's pictures again: http://instacanv.as/captain_phoenix
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
That stress aside, kids are doing well. There have been a few hair ripping moments. Let's get the good out of the way first. Connor is still stable! Through therapy, lots of long talks, interesting living arrangements and a new focus he has been taking great strides against depression. He still can be quite moody. His silence and can be quite condemning to the rest of us so there are times when I am reminded of when his dad was here and we watched the mood in the room plummet. He isn't trying to be nasty. I think he thinks if he doesn't say anything then we don't notice but we do, we do. Cade gets most of the grief. Connor sees Cade being you know, twelve, and gets irritated with Cade's choices. Now that Connor has "figured stuff out" he can't comprehend how Cade doesn't "get it". I just look at Connor and told him, "Remember you at twelve? Welcome to my world." Connor has decided where he wants to go to college. Which to me is great because a year ago he didn't even want to go much less try to pick one. It's just an obvious thing to him now. He has a tour lined up next month. He wants to enter their music program. His grades have improved to the point where has been getting student of the month awards and is getting more involved at school. He plays his guitar at school meetings and winning some talent shows. Sadly, my first thoughts were, is this a manic thing? He was living on four hours of sleep for a while. He felt like he had much catching up to do. He did of course but you can't do stuff like that overnight. Here the therapy and long talks helped him make more balanced decisions. One thing I hate though is that he stays at a friends house on another island about half the week. He works there so logistically and practically it makes sense. His friend lives with just his dad and older brother. The dad thinks Connor is super and in a way I think Connor needed that kind of male role model. The guy is very, kids come first and if it needs doing just do it and don't whine so that helped kicked Connor in the butt some. On a sad note though, or not depending on your point of view, Connors stance on his dad have sunk to new lows because of this. He can't help comparing the two adults and well, I think it's pretty obvious why Connor just has no respect for his dad right now. So, eyes open, keep mania at bay, ears to the ground. Ever vigilant. Here's hoping.
Will, is the same. A few more months and he will have his BA. He started on his program when he turned 18 and was still a senior and he didn't work this winter to focus solely on his school. He did do a few odd jobs to pick up extra cash here and there and I stressed the importance of having a social life so he goes out once a week or a weekend here and there to hang with friends. He wants to work all the way to a doctorate so I imagine he will be here a while. He helps with bills too so, no complaints here.
Cade....oh, what to say about him? Grades ok, dad situation in a holding pattern (meaning still not seeing him), normal grumbles about chores and candy addiction all right on target. Friends....well, he could have more sense there. It has all come to a head recently where Cade had some lessons learned in a hard way. Like, with police involvement. Yes, I said police. At the beginning of the school year there was this kid from another island who started going in town on the morning boat for 6th grade. Cade is in 7th now but the 6th, 7th and 8th graders all go to the same school and are around the same ages and thus a click was born. The older kids always take the youngest under the wing and show them the ropes so the new kid was taken in like an orphan in a Dickens novel. Sadly, this kid comes from a troubled home, less said on that the better, and thought threatening to beat up his new buddies was the right course of action. Beat up he did. Kicking, wrestling, throwing stuff. Stealing and hiding backpacks, hats, coats, you name it, he did it. After about two months of this he leveled off and seemed to settle. Like a cat in a cage who knows he is on the way to the vet and finally resolves himself to his fate. Cade was a bit shell shocked. Of course even though the kid was new to 6th grade he wasn't unknown. They all went to swim classes together, did inter school events and hung out when island hopping. Little did Cade know (because this had been a big secret) the kid had gone to juvie once for shooting out peoples windows with a BB gun the previous summer. I had told Cade around a month ago I had enough of the kid and did not want Cade hanging around with him anymore. Note: I did not know about the shooting but I had been learning more and more about his life and Will and Connor both (who know the situation and him better than me) had been telling Cade to be civil but not to "engage" with the kid finally asked me to put my foot down because Cade didn't listen to them. Cade, bless him, thought he if was just a good enough friend to the kid that everything would be fine. Cade thought he would give the kid advice and help him out and the kid would, "change". I was already irritated with the whole random beating up thing and told Cade no more. Then I got the phone call. Cade had gone to the other island to visit a different friend. Cool kid. Wonderful parents. We're all friends. The other kid comes over (he lives on that island) and asked them if they wanted to hang out for a while. Cade and his friend agreed. Cade's friend has known the other kid his whole life and also knew that it wasn't a winner of an idea but islands can be like family. We all have that weird cousin (usually that's me :) ) that we know is one step away from some kind of an institution and yet we still submit to their company. The island kids (and adults) are the same. So, against better judgement the three boys all set off Lord of the Flies style off into the unknown. Yet, it wasn't unknown the our caged cat boy because he knew exactly what he was going to do. Like lambs to the slaughter Cade and his friend followed and I think this is what makes me the angriest. I wanted to wring Cade's neck for being so darn stupid. The kid brought them to the island boat yard (can we say trespassing) then got on one of the boats and proceeded to empty three of the boats fire extinguishers. Do you know how expensive those are? Also, hello vandalism. Cade and his friend rightfully freaked out. Not to mention got covered in white foam. Then tried to stop the kid instead of running for the hills and parents. This of course got their fingerprints all over the first extinguisher. The did take off after that and the kid emptied the other two single handedly. On the way to the friends house to reveal all, the kid catches up and takes Cade aside and then threatens Cade with a savage beating if he tells anyone about the incident. Cade, who was already freaked to begin with, found a new stage of terror and said nothing. Later on Cade found out the kid and taken Cade's friend aside as well and threatened him too. Not just to beat him up but to also, "make his life a living hell". Nice. Now, did these boys tell us parents about the bullying and visit into mayhem? Nope. So, imagine our shock to have the police call taking about extinguishers and fingerprints and and nice visit to juvie. Cade and his friend were a crying mess to say the least and at first the kid pointed the finger at them so they could "all go down in flames together". Somehow though once the whole story came out the kid was struck by some sudden bout of conscious and fessed up. He admitted the threats and that the other boys hadn't done anything. The kid went to juvie for five days and I am sure other punishments ensued. Cade is still grounded by me for a good long while but we had a nice chat about bullies and stuff. His brush with, "the law", was scary enough. Thankfully Will and Connor didn't berate him as I thought they would. They shook their heads though and told him to, STAY AWAY, from the kid hence forth and Connor would be, "watching him" on the boat to make sure. Cade is all for that plan. Still, I am glad the boys didn't tell Cade I told you so. I think Cade would have just burst open like a little stress bubble and melt away if they had. We had just got Cade stable enough to go to school every day after many trips back to therapy so this wasn't what I was hoping for. I think I had a small heart attack myself.
Sofie, still giving tantrums about going on visits, losing and growing teeth like a shark, is getting more girly everyday and is brimming with excitement for her sixth birthday on Wednesday. I can't believe it. The picture above is her at her first baby shower. She stuffed herself with cream puffs and went, "awww...that SO cuuuute!", at all the outfits. Ever since she has been baby crazy, even more so than before. Since the party the baby has been born, Baby Chloe, our newest island baby. I have been tapped to babysit when the mom goes back to work. Sofie is on pins and needles in expectation....:)
So, yeah, nothing has happened and everything. I have been in little mood to write. Maybe I will feel better soon.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
So, the holidays have passed. They were as ok as can be. New Years was fun. The boys had some friends out. Sofie wasn't here which was sad. I had a friend visiting and another popped by and we watched movies. Not a drunken free for all some have for this particular holiday but then again I have never been to one of those before anyway so I have no idea what I should be missing. We had a good time anyway which is all that matters.
We all had colds the week before Christmas. Sofie however kept a lingering cough. I took her to the doctor last week and she has a kind of post viral cough. I didn't let her go visit Sean last weekend to make sure she stayed on her medicine properly and stayed rested. The weekend before Sean took her to the playground after I told him she had a cough and was flushed and feverish. I asked him to keep and close eyes out for any changes and to have her inhaler ready. Instead he forgot the inhaler and took her out in the cold without a hat for hours. Her cough was of course worse when she got home and after a whole night of not rest and non stop coughing I was really frazzled and angry. I called him to let her know I took her to the doctor and what they said and he never returned my call. Then he never said anything about her not coming. He finally called five days later to "see how she was doing". I am battling in my head about if my feelings are ungracious. Should I be satisfied he called to check on her at all, even days later or upset at the seemingly lack of concern. I feel like I would be pathetic to be jumping on the scraps of attention he shows any of the kids when it suits him. Yet, I don't wish to be, sour grapes about the effort, any effort that is given. Just like, I am glad he did something fun with Sofie like a real dad would by taking her to the park. I am just exasperated and the lack of judgement in taking her while she is obviously sick.
On other fronts, no changing in the money is tight situation. Maybe a little tighter. Less work this time of year. Trying real hard to not feel helpless. Need to focus on the fact Will is working real hard on his college work. Connor is still doing well emotionally and overall happy. He could improve his school work but he goes to school everyday and does his work. A little more conscientious effort would be nice. I am not going to harp on him about it thought with all the strides he is making. Also, he has a job for pocket money which means no more begging from him. Cade is having a little bit of a rough time. He missed school with the fever and cold we all had and fell a little behind in his school work. He got caught up but was in tears about it all.
The holidays are a rough time though because the boys tend to rehash things in their heads about their dad and get shorter tempers because of that. I totally understand what they are going through. One little holiday snafu occurred when when visiting Sean's family with the kids (I took them) it was mentioned (not sure by whom) that Sean had credited Kathryn for motivating and getting him to go back to college and how grateful he was to her about that. She's a freaking saint, right? Well, the boys looked at me while I said nothing and smiled. Which I think made them mad a me too. They want me to defend myself more than I do but trying to explain to them that the wasted emotional effort to do so is not worth it to me is hard for them to understand. I know a lot to truths but don't need to justify that to people who won't listen anyway. The older boys felt that need however and explained how their dad had already started college before he left and had heard me trying for months to get him to go if he wasn't working and unhappy with his old job. How he had spent their college money to pay for his own first semester and for all the trappings like computer programs and books. How he had said he didn't want to go to college for a career and fail to get a job only to fall back on having to "teach or something". The only thing Kathryn did was convince him to try a career as a teacher he never wanted to do or be in the first place. Is that what he is grateful for? If he should be grateful for anyone why not their mom who helped him fill out forms and helped him with his homework? Why not them who paid for his start even if they hadn't been consulted about it. Silence was pretty deafening I can assure you. Still, I think they were less angry about all that stuff and more the delusion their dad has, the hypocritical attitude and lies. He is never going to get ahead with his relationship with his kids if he keeps saying things like that. Does he think they can't remember? Sean and I did most of his school stuff at the dining room table and hid nothing. He even showed them what he was doing to encourage them to have college as a goal for themselves. Oh well, just another warm holiday faux pas. So, yeah, holiday burn out.
Anyone like Sofie's xmas tattoo face? I would have never let the boys to something like that when they were little. I am not as strict as I used to be on little stuff like that. I won't say it didn't give me a little thrill to send her off to her dad looking like that either..:) Maybe I should dye her hair and give her a fake nose ring? Too passive aggressive? Sofie was also showing off some of her missing teeth. She has a huge gap now with her top teeth missing. I will have to get a photo of that!
I am off for a cup of tea and some tylenol. Haven't been sleeping all that well and need to relax and unwind.
;;
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